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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  February 22, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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them to the oakland zoo for care. >> they'll do well and end up in a zoo somewhere else. >> exactly. the late show with stephen colbert is up next. >> do us a favor, have a great captioning sponsored by cbs >> "the washington post" reports that the trump administration may appoint climate change skeptic, william happer, to lead a committee that will study whether climate change poses a national security threat. >> our world is in peril! president trump sets five special rings to form his climate committee: chip, eric trump's college drinking buddy. ( laughter ) a woman who sort of looks like ivanka. ira, a guy trump met in the steam room at mar-a-lago. kid rock. and william happer, an unsightly climate change denier.
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>> if climate change is real how come it snows? i'm going to go punch a dolphin. >> together, they summon the power of willful ignorance "trump's climate committee." >> punch a dolphin! >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, summit 2: atomic booingly. plus, stephen welcomes don cheadle and colin quinn featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful, looks great, looks great. thanks everybody.
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please have a seat. please sit down! wooo! welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. it is friday. i'm feeling good. i don't know what your plan sjon, but i'm not going to watch any news. i'm going to do a full-body trump detox. it's like a juice cleanse. and i've already got my juice. here we go. uh-oh, somebody left this corn juice in a barrel too long. ( laughter ) donald trump is planning a vacation, too. on wednesday, he's going to vietnam. apparently, his bone spurs are retractable, like a cat's claws. ( laughter ) but he's there to hold his second summit with north korean
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dictator kim jong-un, seen here on a fun day of apple picking with friends he plans to murder. it hasn't even started and almost some administration officials are worried that trump's instincts might incline him to offer concessions so that he can get something in return, however small. and thus claim victory here at home. good news, america. i lifted all sanctions on north korea. in exchange they agreed to give up this signed picture of dennis rodman. we love you worm. but trump is convinced he can get a deal because of his special relationship with kim. >> kim jong-un, a man i have gotten to know and like! he's got a very good personality. he's funny, and he's very, very smart. we have a great relationship. we really did. we had good chemistry. i was really being tough, and so was he. and we would go back and forth and then we fell in love. okay? no, really. we fell in love. >> stephen: yes, they couldn't
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stand each other, and now they're in love. it's all in the new rom-com, "when donny met uny." ( laughter ) ( applause ) (as trump ): "i'll nuke what he's nuking." but north korea has something to offer other than nuclear weapons, because this year crystal meth is north korea's trendiest lunar new year's gift. and when your new year's gift is meth, you know what your new year's rez luge is: give me more meth! apparently, this is true, up until recently, "meth has been largely seen inside north korea as a kind of very powerful energy drug-- something like red bull, amplified." yeah, it's just like red bull. that explains the popularity in north korea of "4000-hour energy drink." so for everyone worried that north korea has nuclear weapons, just relax okay. they're also methed-up tweakers with spiders under their skin. i'm sure they won't fly off the handle. but whatever comes out of the
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hanoi summit, there's already one clear winner and that's your head. because a vietnamese barber is giving out free trump-kim haircuts-- which i'm assuming is either kim or trump, and not some frankenstein of the two. ( laughter ) the haircuts are actually pretty straightforward. for the kim, the barber gives you a slicked-back top and shaved sides. and for the trump, he pulls the majority of your hair out, transplants donor hair from a golden retriever's butt, swirls it around like soft serve, and just locks it in place with some homer formby quick-drying deck sealant. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you look beautiful. hey, i got a quick question, personal question if you don't mind me asking: who here lives on earth? ( cheers and applause ) most of them most of them, okay. for those of us who believe in climate change, i have bad news: climate change. also, wednesday we found out that the white house is working to assemble a panel to assess whether climate change poses a
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national security threat. what? why do you need to do that? that's like setting up a commission to find out if idris elba is the sexiest man alive! the science is in! i think he could play me. ( cheers and applause ) in my life story. ( cheers and applause ) i'm thinking. >> jon: yeah, yeah he could pull it off. >> stephen: trump's own intelligence agencies say that climate change is a threat, but trump has found just the man to undermine them-- physicist and man who just crawled out of a pickle vat, william happer. people are questioning why happer was put in charge of this committee, given that he was a professor of physics at princeton and is not formally trained as a climate scientist. so he is an expert... in something else. which is fine. that's why i get my annual physical from a doctor of english literature. ( laughter ) he probes my proust, not my prostate. oh! but still-- but still-- ( applause )
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for some reason-- >> jon: the inside baseball joke. >> stephen: for some reason, happer thinks co-2 is great for the environment and gets a bad rap. >> the demonization of carbon dioxide is just like the demonization of the poor jews under hitler. >> stephen: you can't just compare random things to hitler! you know who did stuff like that? hitler. ( laughter ) then again, we all remember the famous quote: "first they came for the carbon dioxide, and i said nothing. then they came for the helium and i said... ( high-pitched voice ) nothing. i don't want to waste it. i have it. i don't want to waste it. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if happer needs any more proof that climate change is real, he just needs to look to australia,
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( laughter ) i am-- i'm going to (bleep) pass out in a second. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this is super dangerous. industrialaustralian scientists say "climate change has officially killed off its first mammal species." oh, no! was it murder? yit was. we humans did it. the victim is a tiny rat-like creature called the bramble cay melomys, whose habitat on a small coral island on the great barrier reef was destroyed by rising sea levels over the past decade. this is a tragedy, especially since its last words were, "i probably should've mentioned this earlier, but i'm a talking rat!" ( laughter ) now, i've been putting off
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showing a picture of the melomys, but i think i'm ready. hold on one second. please don't be cute. please don't be cute. oh, dammit! awwww, he's adorable! i want one! oh, right. ( laughter ) here's the sad part: we're all responsible for climate change. therefore, we all killed this animal. so i would like to-- ( applause ) yes. so rare for an audience to applaud killing animals. ( laughter ) so i'd like to take a moment right now and say a few words about the dearly departed bramble cay melomys. dearly beloved, we gather today to say goodbye to this loveable rat-like melomys. i did notb know him well, or at all. but i hope he had a nice life in australia. perhaps he got to eat leftover vegemite out of nicole kidman's trash. ( laughter ) or perhaps he got to live in a chef's hat and run a restaurant. that's all i know about australia and rats.
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we'll miss you, bramble cay melomys, now that you've shuffled off this mortal coil, which-- fun fact-- in australia actually shuffles off in the other direction. ( laughter ) and there's another extinction here at home-- payless is closing all its u.s. stores. i can't believe "buy one get one free" wasn't a sustainable business model. ( laughter ) "welcome to payless! our products are worthless!" ( laughter ) so, like so many other brick-and-mortar stores, payless is just the latest victim of online shopping, which has led to a drop in foot-traffic at u.s. malls, a vital source of customers for stores like payless. at this point, the only thing left in the average u.s. mall is a bath & body works and a grandpa somebody forgot to pick up. ( laughter ) he's okay. he's just going to do another lap. ( laughter ) customers all across the nation will feel the impact, because payless is going to liquidate the inventory of 2,100 locations.
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that's got to be hundreds of dollars worth of shoes. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. don cheadle is here! but when we come back, "meanwhile!" ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) (paul) how do we tell people they get the best of both worlds with sprint? let's tell everyone sprint is now offering an unlimited plan and an iconic phone for just $25 a month. (vo) switch and get an unlimited plan with the samsung galaxy s9 lease and hulu included for just $25 a month. for people with hearing loss visit wow, that's an aggressive yellow. pretty great, huh? if you're a banana. i find it very... appealing. kellogg's raisin bran with bananas. two scoops meet real banana slices. i've done a good job of raisin ya. when i kept finding myself smoking in my attic. dad! hiding when i was
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narrator: in utah, you're livin' on mountain time and there's nothing standard about that. with 10 resorts less than an hour from salt lake international airport mountain time means more time on more resorts on the greatest snow on earth. it means more time with the kids and more time away from the kids. ski more, shred more chill more, cheers more because mountain time is a state of mind that can only be found in one place. utah.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human over there! fantastic. jon, happy friday. happy friday. >> jon: happy friday to you
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too! >> stephen: you know, i spend so much time carving up all the meatiest chunks off the news chicken, but sometimes it's nice to scrape off the news carcass and toss what's left with mayonnaise, maybe some diced celery, a drop of dijon mustard for the chicken salad segment i call... "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) never fails! every day is christmas day with "meanwhile." they're like children eager baby birds ready for the worm. meanwhile, the fashion world said goodbye this week to fashion legend and daytime dracula, karl lagerfeld. the loss has hit many across the globe, including lagerfeld's internet-famous cat, choupette whose instagram account posted this image of choupette wearing a black veil. >> audience: ooooh! >> stephen: she's in "meow-urning." but don't feel too bad, because,
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one: she's a cat. she doesn't know he's dead, and she didn't care when he was alive. she's a cat. and two: there's speculation that choupette is set to inherit lagerfeld's 150 million pound fortune. it's so irresponsible to give a cat that much money. you know she's just going to blow it on 'nip. and choupette was already doing pretty well. she already has two personal maids. call me crazy, seems like a lot of staff for someone who poops in a box. ( laughter ) meanwhile, it's a near-certainty that marijuana legalization is coming to new york city, and in anticipation-- ( cheers and applause ) the 12 people who clapped will be frisked on the way out. ( laughter ) and in anticipation of the new law, new york's bodega owners are demanding to sell legal weed. yes, because when you stumble into a bodega at 2:00 a.m. to buy mountain dew and a butter-and-cheese sandwich, what you need is to be more high. ( laughter )
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the spokesman for the united bodegas of america made his case saying, "we sell cigarettes. we sell beer. we sell lotto tickets. we are highly regulated." it's true, bodegas already sell substances way more dangerous than pot, like open-air sushi. meanwhile-- it's harrowing but true. meanwhile, following a malfunction monday night, "more than a dozen people were trapped on a seaworld ride." reached for comment, the whales said, "phase one complete. now we train them to perform for our young." ( laughter ) mean... while. with growing competition from almond and soy milk, "dairy farms have been protesting the 'milk' label on nondairy milks. and now "dairy farmers would rather you call it... ( cheers and applause )
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>> jon: ooooh! >> stephen: 'nut juice.'" ( laughter ) oh, i bet dairy farmers would like their competitors to call their product "nut juice." "hey, i'm just spitballing here, what if we call our thing 'milk,' and you call your thing 'tree wizz'?" laugh also, from now on, it's not peanut 'butter.' it's 'spreadable nut poop.'" ( laughter ) the legal case here is a little shaky. apparently, "the dairy lobby's argument is essentially that nuts can't be milked." ( laughter ) they can if you're lonely enough. laugh. >> jon: wow! >> stephen: meanwhile meanwhile. in philadelphia, a real estate investor says a home he was scoping out came with an unadvertised surprise-- a stairway booby-trapped with a swinging knife. to be fair, to be fair, the real estate listing did say "
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open house today: you will be murdered." no one was hurt. but the prospective buyer saw a small line on the home's staircase, pulled the line triggered a fast-moving, downward-swinging crutch. taped to the end of the crutch was a large knife pointing right to where a person's head would have been. why would you pull the line at all? ( laughter ) have you not seen a much? who looks at taut wire strung across a stairwell and thinks, "hmmm, if we yank on that, i wonder what delights await us!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, nut juice! it was-- it was an abandoned rowhouse, so it's unclear who installed the booby-trapped staircase, but police are asking the public to be on the lookout for this man. we'll be right back with don cheadle. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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i hear it in the background and she's watching too, saying [indistinct conversation] ♪ [friend] i've never seen that before. ♪ ♪ i have... ♪
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♪ ♪ now it's your turn to play. ♪ ♪
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(gasps) how are you so cute (laughs)? so cute i could just eat you right up, yeah! (gasps) oh, look at you,
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey everybody! ladies and gentlemen welcome back to the show. happy friday, jon. >> jon: happy friday. it's a good friday. >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from "hotel rwanda," "house of lies," and the marvel cinematic universe. he now stars in the new series "black monday." please welcome back to "the late show," mr. don cheadle! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: welcome back! >> thank you. >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> glad to be here, very glad to be here. >> stephen: last time we were together, as i was saying in the break, november 7.
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>> uch. >> stephen: 2017. >> yeah, man. >> stephen: it was the before times is what we'll call it. >> the time you cow walk around and be donald and people were cool with it. >> stephen: how have you been? >> i've been great. really good. a lot of stuff happening. i hosted "snl." >> stephen: interesting you should mention that, because you got the attention-- that show got the attention that night that you hosted, of the president of the united states. >> yes. >> stephen: who described that show and many others, as he said as the true collusion. >> yeah which -- >> stephen: he's kind of got you there doesn't he? >> yeah. >> stephen: because you're not actually a cast member. you came on with a host and you colluded with them to make comedy. >> i did-- i did-- i did collude through the gift of comedy. >> stephen: sure, and that's really when you know this country is in a great place when the president is attacking a comedy show. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yes. yeah yeah. >> yeah, yeah. heading in the right direction.
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>> stephen: sure. there should be retribution. >> absolutely. yeah, i hope they get their come upance. >> stephen: you are also a man known for making statements with your art with your work, and also with your fashion. and you wore this for the introduction of the band right there. >> i did. ( applause ) ( cheers ) i did. >> stephen: that's lovely. that's lovely. >> thank you. >> stephen: what-- what-- what prompted you to take that moment to talk about that? >> well, well, because it's a perfect platform you know. and as you do every night-- and i commend you-- you have this platform and you have an opportunity to say something and a moment in time to attempt to be meaningful, and really put yourself out there. and my daughter actually gave me that shirt. and i said, "i'm going to wear it. i'm just waiting for the perfect time to present it." and i think that was a good one. >> stephen: i agree
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( cheers and applause ) and is there-- is it-- is it hard to find the right time in the show? because that's a very, very fast-paced-- again it's live. there's no stopping the train. >> no. >> stephen: and you're having to change clothes all the time on that show, aren't you? >> well, they actually change you, you know. you kind of run behind the curtain and you stand there like a doll and they strip clothes off and pull clothes on. that was actually the most bananas part of the whole night. and at one point the woman dressing me, just jerked my pants down. i was like, "whoa my underwear almost came down." she said, "i've seen everything." "not my everything. take it easy." >> stephen: i like to think that i'm special. >> that's right. i would like to thereto be known when i present that to the world pup don't-- ( laughter ) give me a minute. >> stephen: you're-- you know, as i was saying in the introduction, you've been in some beautiful movies. you're also in beautiful movies that are also part biggest
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cinematic event of my lifetime, the mcu. it's an extraordinary 10-year storytelling. >> yeah, it's crazy. >> stephen: what's don cheadle level of fame these days? >> that's a good question. i'm always wondering what people think. because i never know. you know, i can walk around sometimes and not be recognized at all. other times they're like, "oh my god! you're that dude who's in--" i'm like "you still kind of don't know right?" >> stephen: sometimes-- sometimes peel go like, "hey, man, yes what's your name!" and i'll say "that's not how this works." >> right. you have to come up with it. >> stephen: yeah yeah. >> i had-- i went to a concert once a snoop dogg concert actually, and we were trying to get to his trailer and i was with a friend of mine, his trailer was back stage. and i kind of saw these guys out of my periphery. and i said let's go. and they were locked on like a tractor beam. and i got to the door, and the
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dude grabbed me and goes, "sean epps." >> stephen: who is sean epps?" >> that's a good question. but i side, "yeah you got me, man." ( laughter ) he looked at his girlfriend, and he was like, "told you!" ( laughter ) >> stephen: was it-- omar epps? sean combs? >> maybe sean-- i don't know, sean combs -- yeah, that's probably what it was. >> stephen: okay. >> i started using it at my alias at hotels. i would go in as sean epps. >> stephen: now you can't. >> now i've blown it, exactly. >> stephen: you were nominated for your performance in "hotel rwanda." ( applause ). >> thank you. >> stephen: for the oscars, for the oscars. >> yes. >> stephen: and osc oscars-- are they this weekend? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm sorry. i'm not nominated. i don't care. so they're this weekend. what-- are you hosting? because i don't know. do they have a host? >> i don't think there's a host happening. i think it's just a bunch of
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presenter s. >> stephen: okay. >> i mean, sure ynot? >> stephen: yeah. >> i think they should just hand them out as, like, a drive-through. "here you go." >> stephen: or have one of those amazon drones just deliver it. they'll just drop it on the person pup don't find out you won until it falls in your lap. >> exactly. >> stephen: what is it like? is it fun? what's the red carpet like? >> it's-- it's not. you know, i mean, it looks like it's fun at home, but when you're in the audience, you know, you're the show. the camera is pointing at you a lot of the time so you can't just bag on people like you'd want to. >> stephen: meaning bag on people like, "i lost." or "i'm leaving as soon as my category is over." >> win or lose, you want to talk about people on stage right? but if the camera is right there, you can't talk about people. because you're like, "oh man that is the ugly-- hey hey!" "hey! yes, yeah." ( laughter ) but the first time-- the first time i actually went to the
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oscars i was invited because i had just joined the academy. i was invited to join the academy and i did. and my wife really wanted to go to the oscars. i said, you don't want to go to the oscars." she said, "i really want to go." the tickets are $500 each. which is great. and i said we're going to spend $1,000 to go to this thing i'm not nominated. fine we'll go. i was stuck between jack nick nichol son's entourage and cher's entourage. it was just me and my wife, no don-tourage. did you like that. >> stephen: you get stukd of sucked into the entourage without knowing. >> the paparazzi are scream pg cher! jack! jack! cher! " and one guy sees me, don don mr. cheadle. and i look up and he goes, "get out of there!" ( laughter ) ( applause )
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i looked at my wife-- it's like, "this is what you wanted to come to. this is your fault sweetheart. this is your fault." >> stephen: you should have turned and said, "the name is sean epps, thank you!" you have a new show on showtime sunday nights. it's called "black monday." what's it about? we have a clip here. set up what we were talking about. >> this clip, ren who plays a young upstart who is coming in to try to get a job with my company, comes in to try to put his foot down and i give him a prime or auto mechanics. >> stephen: jim. >> here's what you can do, mo. you can go downstairs and untake the giant poo you took on my career. guess what? i'm going to be on the other side of every trade you make for the rest of your life. >> i'm going to call an ambulance. >> what kind of car you drive kid? >> oh, because i drive a honda
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and you drive a porsche? >> i don't drive (bleep). in a lamborghini limousine, aka a limo. >> so you get none of the speed of a lamborghini and none of the comfort of a limousine. >> who are you ppfaff! who are you? >> stephen: that's nice. giet point though. a lot of the-- i understand a lot of the-- the-- the show is about 80s excess. >> yes. >> stephen: how excessive because we're probably about the same age something like that? >> >> yeah, 44. >> stephen: yeah, i'm in my late 44s very late 44s. >> me, too. >> stephen: i was a young man i was in my 20s in the 1980s. did you engage in the 80s excess? did you live large? >> no, my excess was how much for another box of those kraft
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macaroni and cheese. i was a student basically just got out of school and hustling trying to get a job as an actor. when the stock market crashed, i was like, "oh that's a trip. do you want fries with that?" >> stephen: i remember distinctly, i was selling if you tons for a living. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: in chicago on belmont avenue. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i watched i listened-- there were no customers. there were no customers. and i had radio on all day listening to the market crash and going "i am so glad that i don't have a dollar to put in the stock market. sucks to be rich." >> exactly, i was like, "oh well." i had a if you ton. i may have had one of your futons at your age. >> stephen: they loft to fill the spine. i can tell the whole thing. top salesman. >> oh, i can -- >> stephen: mow money. >> i can tell. > stephen: "black monday" airs sunday nights on showtime. don cheadle, everybody! we'll be right back are our
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who has been a fixture of new york stand-up comedy for over 30 years. please welcome back to the show, colin quinn. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: there you are. >> thank you! >> stephen: have a seat. how are you? good to see you. >> i like, that "actor and writer." >> stephen: actor and writer? that's what the thing said. is that true. did i lie to the american people. >> the writing part is true. >> stephen: you have acted. >> i don't really call myself an actor. >> stephen: what do you call yourself. >> comedian. >> stephen: comedian, that's good, yeah yeah. ( laughter ) yeah... >> you think you would have somewhere to go from there but i don't. >> stephen: you're never confused about it. am i an actor? you always know that you're a comedian. that's good. >> i never see the movies and go "i'd be good in that part." you know what i mean?
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"i should have had that part." that's never happened to me. actors always look and go, "i would have been great at that part." >> stephen: i have the same feeling, if i really like the performance, i would go like, "i could never do that." >> yeah. >> stephen: i don't say that. >> i just say "i wouldn't want to do it." i always think "i could have done that, but i just..." yeah. ( laughter ). >> stephen: you couldn't-- you could have done it. i just don't feel like it. >> i'm too good for it. >> stephen: oh you're too-- sure, yeah. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: i could play lawrence of arabia, but who would want to. >> "goodfell as," please. scorsese you. >> stephen: have a new show at the minetta lane theatre. "red state blue state." and you're known for your one-man shows example history and culturees of america. what are we doing wrong now? >> well -- >> stephen: what are you complaining about now, colin quinn. >> i think off on the wrong foot is what it comes down to, from day one. because 13 colonies is plenty.
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( laughter ) and we decided to get greedy. god puts hints giant mountain ranges and rivers all over the rest of the land to indicate different countries. and, you know, the mississippi these are natural borders-- the rockies. you're, our size, a bunch of different countries. they understand every 700 miles people have a different personality. you think-- do you think hungary and scotland have less in common than utah and new jersey? ( laughter ). >> stephen: is that an actual question? >> no, no. >> stephen:y didn't realize there was going to be a quiz at the end of the show. ( laughter ) aaaaahh. what is the thing that we think we most have wrong right now? i mean-- >> well, two parties is-- it's ridiculous. we started with two parties. it was like a million people. now it's 350 million. still two parties. 15 genders. you know. ( laughter ) there's four battle rooms and two parties. >> stephen: that's true. so we have to expand.
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>> we do. >> stephen: has anybody-- is there anybody you like this time? have you seen what the democrats are talking about this time or have you not paid attention. >> it's too early it's too early for that kind of stuff that kind of nonsense. >> stephen: at this point just put all the candidates in a salad spinner and see. >> see which scandals come out now. >> stephen: oh, oh... yeah yeah... ( laughter ) you had a heart attack recently. >> yes i did have a heart attack. ( laughter ) that's why i'm so -- >> stephen: i wasn't going to bring it up, but i'm sitting here looking at you thinking i heap he's okay. you don't look like you had a heart attack. >> i file okay you. >> stephen: look fantastic. >> thank you. >> stephen: you look the same. you look the same. pre-heart attack and post-heart attack, you look the same. >> that's all i can hope for. i had a heart attack. and the good thing about a heart attack they say it changes the way you look at life you don't feel as-- you know. the only bad part is i thought i always thought i would die-- like, i thought i would be one
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of these people, "you're going to die. you have a year to get your affairs in orders," as they say in those movie where's people are going to die. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> i thought i would be able to put out giant mission statements. like, i have a lot of material sitting there that i haven't put out. you know, just my, you know, will and testament -- >> stephen: you have been saving for when people have to listen to it because you're about to die. >> and also maybe visit something enemies driving up to the house-- not doing anything-- just driving up to their house and sitting outside. and then, "this guy is going to die. he has nothing to lose." just give them a nice little chill. you know what i'm saying? ( laughter ). >> stephen: because you have nothing to lose, you might go maniac on them. >> that's correct. i mean, i'm not-- i don't want to go out and start killing people as my last thing. but, i mean, it would be nice to give people a little bit-- "look who's-- why is he sitting outside my house?" >> stephen: i was going to say fisaw you outside my house no matter what your health was i
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would go, "what is colin quinn doing outside my house?" >> yeah. >> stephen: do you still think that new york-- you're a quintessential new yorker. do you still think new york is the greatest city? >> it's the roman empire with less humility. ( laughter ) it's just the fact that we get-- that we can turn down amazon, just shows you we've got -- >> stephen: sure, sure. >> we've got-- literally everybody else, the whole-- ( applause ). ( cheers ) >> the whole-- the whole country, everything you ever see is "hey, they're bringing jobs to our town." "how many jobs you got?" "25,000." "beat it. come back when you have real jobs, all right." >> stephen: that's a rounding error. what about the country in general? do you think-- i mean, do you think we're in bad shape as a country? i mean, do you think america after 200 and meow-meow, this is it? >> yeah, because --
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>> stephen: what do you mean "yeah." that was really quick. that was really quick. >> my whole show is about to break up. i feel like social media, you know free speech was never meant to go electric. it was an acoustic art. you know what i'm saying? speak on a tree stump in front of seven other farmers. >> stephen: quill. >> yes. a general store and a porch. and, yeah, i think social media is-- is taking us to a new level where now everybody sees each other and has to hear each other all day. and it's not good. >> stephen: but do you go on twitter? do you do all that kind of stuff? >> yeah, i'm something of a troll on twitter since i-- you know. since i started. >> stephen: that doesn't poison you at all to be the troll gijust go after-- you know i go after old grudges like will ferrell. i started on twitter years ago. i did this whole thing about will ferrell. this is back when twitter started. i thought people would understand irony and stuff. i go, "hey, will, so funny that you get a mark twain award when we all know you were a heroin
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dealer and user at 'snl'." and people were like, what did you say? and here's the funny part, people were attacking me not for-- they're saying, "how dare you? you're working together. you don't snitch on each other." not that he was dealing-- people weren't mad will ferrell was dealing heroin at "snl" which he wasn't. i shouldn't have to tell you that. >> stephen: that's what i heard. i heard on-- i heard colin quinn say that on television, though. >> and he i started saying he stole the script for "anchor man." i had a script for "newscaster" and turned around and it was gone. it became a real story. >> stephen: yes. what happened? >> so, i didn't see will ferrell the whole time. jimmy, his manager said, "quinn are you going to issue a retraction. all these news people are calling me, "is will ferrell
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really a heroin dealer." this was like eight years ago. i said, "hey, man, did you hear about that time?" because he wasn't on twitter. i said, "it was just a twitter thing." he looked at mings like why would do you that? >> stephen: where do we go from here, colin? >> city states i think is the best move. >> stephen: like singapore or vatican city, city states. >> exactly ancient greece, rome. >> stephen: sure. >> divide it up. >> stephen: new york would be happy with that. new york would be perfectly happy with that. >> they say they would be. >> stephen: just blow the bridges. >> we'll see. >> stephen: we all just stay here. yeah. >> i like you already have the engineering strategy down. ( laughter ). >> stephen: well, i saw "escape from new york." "red state blue state" is at the minetta lane theatre through march 16. colin quinn, everybody! with kiwi to lock moisture. and soy to even skin tone. unleash dewy, glowing skin from within.
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♪ [baby crib musical mobile] ♪ millions are still exposed to the dangers of secondhand smoke. and some of them can't do anything about it. but you can. protect your family. visit ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey everybody welcome back. you delightful people. >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: well that's it, information. it's the end of another week.
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let's take a fond look back at the last... 50 days? i don't know anymore. this is the best of this week's "the late show." >> today i'm registering a national emergency and... >> stephen: wake up! wake up! ( laughter ) what are you-- get me some smelling salts! he's out again! he's out! >> stephen: you described the period of time after director comey was fired as-- as a period of chaos and frenzy at the f.b.i. headquarters. >> that's right. >> stephen: what is the f.b.i. like when it's in a chaotic frenzy. that's a-- that's a disconcerting description. >> our dark tries slightly askew on our white shirts. that's the first sign. laugh. >> do you still believe the president could be a russian save the? >> i think it's possible.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: that's terrifying. ( laughter ) i don't think you should be saying that right before america goes to bed. "daddy, is mommy a werewolf?" "i think it's possible." >> when we look at-- at people, whether they're old or they're young, you've got to look at the totality of the person. i was a cross-country runner, a long-distance runner when i was a kid and i've been running hard ever since since then. >> stephen: yes bernie has been running since he was a kid and we actually have a picture of his middle school track team. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> @jussiesmollett what about maga and the tens of millions of people you insulted with your racist and dangerous comments?" "after all racist and dangerous comments, kind of my thing, all right." ( laughter ) "never rub another man's
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rhubarb." >> stephen: meanwhile health officials are warning sexually active people about the rise of so-called super gonorrohea. super gonorrohea-- by far the worst addition to the marvel comics universe. that's how they're taking down thanos okay. ( laughter ) experts blame-- yeah. ( laughter ) you're gonna-- ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back.
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late show." see you next week! good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show ♪


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