tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS June 24, 2019 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the spacex falcon heavy has lifted off. captioning sponsored by cbs >> and now "the late show" exclusive, stephen colbert's interview of chuck todd's interview of president trump. ( laughter ) >> stephen: mr. president, thank you for sitting down with me. >> thank you. >> stephen: how are you feeling today. >> stone cold crazy. >> stephen: so par for the course. okay, sir, let's get right to it. are we going to war with iran? >> yes. >> stephen: really? no. >> stephen: what you just said we were, so are we going to war or not? >> oh, i don't know. >> stephen: okay, let me ask this, how are you making this decision? ( laughter ) okay, that makes sense. now, sir, you've claimed multiple times that you're a genius. let's test that idea. you were traveling 60 miles on a train. is it fast tore take a train that travels 50 miles per hour
but makes two stops for ten minutes, or a train that travels 40 miles per hour and makes one stop for five minutes? >> i'd go on an airplane. >> stephen: no. let's make it simple. what's going on in this picture is this. >> she was not sleeping. >> stephen: close enough. mr. president, don't move. there's a squirrel on your shoulder! >> they have really taken advantage of us. >> stephen: i can see that. how do you plan to get rid of the squirrels? >> a nuclear weapon. >> stephen: that seems a little extreme. >> o whetheobliteration like yoe never seen before. >> stephen: let's forget the squirrels for a second. shoo! shoo! okay, sir. final question. when it comes to american democracy, what do you think your legacy will be? >> i was the one that ended it. >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight's donald duck. plus stephen welcomes tom
holland, democratic presidential candidate andrew yang, and musical guest jenny lewis, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! whoo! welcome! welcome one -- good to see you. welcome one and all. ( cheers and applause ) ladies, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) did you have a good weekend? ( cheers and applause ) i had a fantastic one. you know why? i did not read the news because
it has been a little dark. ( laughter ) thursday night, we almost went to war with iran, and that was the story from the smile file. ( laughter ) i'll tell you all about that in part two of our already-too-long-running series: -- ( drum beat ) >> america at whaaa? ( laughter ) >> stephen: last wednesday night, iran shot down an unmanned u.s. drone, and nobody knew what president trump was going to do, including president trump because, according to officials, on thursday night, the president approved a strike on iran. as late as 7:00 p.m., planes were in the air and ships were in position, but no missiles had been fired when word came to stand down. so we were poised to start a war
with iran, but donald trump did the right thi--(gags). ( laughter ) ( applause ) i'm sorry. i'm not used to saying that sort of thing. trump made the correct moral (gags). ( laughter ) point is, this is the first thing that trump has ever ordered that he didn't finish. ( laughter ) >> jon: wow. >> stephen: friday morning trump explained, "we were cocked and loaded to retaliate last night on three different sights (misspelled) when i asked, how many will die. '150 people, sir,' was the answer from a general.
10 minutes before the strike, i stopped it." okay, i appreciate the sentiment. he doesn't want casualties, but isn't that something you should check before you've ordered the strike? (as trump) "okay, i have this gun, it's full of bullets, the hammer's pulled back, and-- what does this thing do when i pull the trigger? do fruit roll ups come out?" what happened? also, i just want to say "cocked and loaded"? the expression is "locked and loaded." ( cheers and applause ) (as trump) "we were cocked and loaded, we were at defcock 5, about to rain down a little cock and awe.
it was just a tiny little mushroom cloud ." ( cheers and applause ) what? what? a tactical nuclear weapon. >> jon: i ain't touching that. >> stephen: trump explained himself further in an interview with host of "meet the press," chuck todd, seen here fist bumping his biggest fan. ( laughter ) trump said he gave iran a pass this time, but things might be different in the future. >> i'm not looking for war and, if there is, it'll be obliteration like you've never seen before. but i'm not looking to do that. >> stephen: he doesn't want to, but you might trigger a massive response. he's like bruce banner. (as trump) "you wouldn't like me when i'm angry. or when i'm happy or when i'm eating." ( laughter ) "not a pretty sight." trump was proud of himself. according to one source, he liked the command of approving the strike, but also the "decisiveness" of calling it off.
it's simple. donald trump likes the decisiveness of calling off the terrible command donald trump just gave. ( laughter ) then today, trump announced new sanctions on iran, and at the signing ceremony, he explained one of the reasons he called off the strike. >> obviously, the people of iran are great people. you know, i know many of them. i lived in new york. i haven't been there very much the last two and a half years, but i know many iranians living in new york and they're fantastic people. i have many friends that are iranian. >> stephen: (as trump) "i didn't bomb them this time, but if i change my mind, you should all know that i'd be obliterating some fantastic people. really great. they will be missed." ( laughter ) iran's not the only thing trump changed his mind about this weekend. on sunday, ice planned to conduct a major operation in multiple cities to round up and deport undocumented families. even undocumented parents who
have children who are u.s. citizens, so "it is possible parents could be deported while their children are left behind." ( audience booing ) how did that brainstorming meeting go? "all right, guys. come on, i need some new ideas. taking kids from their parents was a disaster. come on, toss out some new ideas!" uh... ( laughter ) well... ( laughter ) what if... we took... the parents... away from the children? ( laughter ) "i love it!" ( laughter ) thankfully, on saturday trump announced he'll delay the deportation operation. what changed his mind? apparently, his buddy nancy pelosi called him friday night, and today she revealed what she said to him:
>> you're scaring the children of america. >> stephen: and the adults aren't doing too well either! ( cheers and applause ) ( cross talk between jon and steve ) trump explained on twitter: "at the request of democrats, i have delayed the illegal immigration removal process (deportation) for two weeks to see if the democrats and republicans can get together and work out a solution to the asylum and loophole problems at the southern border. if not, deportations start! so his shred of human decency has an expiration date. ( laughter ) it's like if scrooge had gotten up on christmas morning, and said: (as scrooge) "you there, boy, here's a shiny shilling. get me the prize turkey in the window. and make it quick, because in 12 hours i'm going to turn back into a complete jerk
( laughter ) i'm going to kick tiny tim's crutch! oooh! ( cheers and applause ) but trump is hopeful that the border is an easy fix, as he said yesterday during his appearance on chuck the todd. >> you know what? if they change those, i say, i used to say 45 minutes. it's 15 minutes. if they changed asylum and if they changed loopholes, everything on the border would be perfect. >> stephen: yes, despite years of disagreement on our immigration laws, trump is promising to fix the border quicker than domino's can deliver a pizza. (as trump) "you know my guarantee: we're done in 15 minutes or i completely lose interest. what were we talking about again? hey, how did the bombing of iran go? what! why?" ( laughter ) here's something you do not see
discussed on tv a lot this weekend, the president of the united states was accused of sexual assault -- again. ( audience reacts ) trump really is repeating his 2016 strategy. ( laughter ) in an article in "new york magazine" on friday, columnist e. jean carroll accuses trump of sexually assaulting her in a bergdorf goodman dressing room 23 years ago. these accusations are specific, credible, and terrible and make carroll the 22nd woman to step forward. 22 women! that should raise alarms. let me put it this way: if one person in your life accused you of pooping in their kitchen sink, i could be persuaded to believe it's a lie. but if over the course of your 73 years of life, 22 separate people came forward with detailed accounts of times you had pooped in their kitchen sinks, i'm starting to think you're a sink pooper. ( laughter )
( applause ) there's no difference here. ( piano riff ) ( cheers and applause ) trump denied the charge and said the press needed to step lightly in saturday's chopper talk: >> people have to be careful because they're playing with very dangerous territory. when you look at what happened to justice kavanaugh and you look at what's happening to others, you can't do that for the sake of publicity. >> stephen: to which brett kavanaugh replied, "stop helping!" (as trump) "no brett, you and i are exactly the same. besides, i couldn't have been in that bergdorf goodman dressing room. i was at beach week, boofing with p.j. and squi." ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. tom holland is here. there you go. but when we return, puppies! stick around!
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back! give it up for the band, jon batiste and "stay human," right over there! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! whoo! jon, you know, there's a very, very, very, very, very big week for us here. >> jon: oh, yeah. >> stephen: because we are going live wednesday and thursday following the democratic candidate debates. are you willing to stay up with
me late two nights this week? >> jon: oh, yeah! let's do it! >> stephen: it's going to be great. >> jon: going to be great. >> stephen: i don't care how many sponsors i'm going to lose for saying this, but i like puppies. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sorry, i. do take me away. that's why i love doing my segment rescue dog rescue, where a celebrity joins me to tell flattering lies about puppies in order to convince viewers to adopt them. we've done this segment a few times now, and i'm proud to say we have a perfect 100% adoption rate. ( cheers and applause ) okay? 100%. take that, john oliver! you might have a fine program, but how many dogs have you left homeless? ( laughter ) and while it's usually pretty easy to get people excited about puppies, there's something else everyone is even more excited
about right now: superhero movies. "avengers: endgame" is shattering box office records and next week is the release of "spider-man: far from home." ( cheers and applause ) very excited about it, too. in this one, spider-man goes on a school trip to europe and returns with a fake british accent. ( laughter ) so, i thought, why not combine puppies and super heroes for a very special edition of rescue dog rescue! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) welcome to rescue dog rescue: super hero edition. you know our motto, with great paw-er comes "great dane" sponsibility. ( laughter ) now if only there was a celebrity willing to use their powers to get these dogs adopted.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what? good to see you! ( cheers and applause ) tom holland! ( cheers and applause ) good to have you! >> thank you, guys. say no more, stephen, i will rescue these dogs. >> stephen: spider-man himself, tom holland! >> that's right, stephen. always remember, celebrities are the real super hereos. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's true tom. and that is the fake accent i was talking about. thank you. >> all right, sorry, sorry. excuse me. >> stephen: before we get started tonight, folks, a quick reminder: all the puppies we have here tonight are actual adoptable dogs from north shore animal league america. they're all fantastic. ( cheers and applause )
but to make them even more appealing, we are about to tell flattering lies about them. >> i'm ready. >> stephen: i'll go first. ( audience reacts ) this is spider-pup. ( laughter ) there you go. like spider-man, spider-pup has a spidey sense, but instead of danger, he senses thunder, and instead of sensing it before the thunder happens, he senses it right after, and instead of responding bravely to the thunder, he gets super scared and needs to be cuddled. ( audience reacts ) >> jon: well done, well done! come here, matey! here we go! ( audience reacts ) ( laughter ) >> this is my friend j. bone-ah jamison, a veteran journalist and a real old-fashioned newshound. he can sniff out any story, as long as that story is located in another dog's butt. ( laughter )
( applause ) >> stephen: oh, this little fellow here, this is black widdle. she's not just adorable, she's the world's deadliest assassin ( laughter ) just kidding. ( laughter ) >> hey, buddy! hello, hello! ( audience reacts ) i know, i know, it's killing me. this is peter barker. he may look like an ordinary dachshund, but he actually gained super powers after being biten by a genetically-modified schnauzer. that's right, he's a dog that has gained the abilities of a different kind of dog. that's why his super hero name is "dog-dog." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) here you go, buddy! oh, no!
>> stephen: this little soldier is captain americuddles. ( audience reacts ) cap here was part of a super-secret mission in the '40s to pee on hitler's leg. ( cheers and applause ) >> come here, mate! wow. ( laughter ) i think you can guess who this is. this is nick furry. he may be grizzled, but underneath it all, he has a caring soul. plus, right when you think your walk with nick is over, he surprises you with a fun post-walk scene where he tells you he's putting together a special team. that special team's mission? go on another walk. thank you, mate. >> stephen: that does it for "rescue dog rescue -- super hero edition."
head to the late show's website colbertlateshow.com for info on how to adopt these dogs from north shore animal league america. we'll be right back with tom holland! creamy avocado... and a dressing fit for a goddess. come taste what a salad should be. and order online for delivery right to you. panera. food as it should be. not ecan match the power of energizer.tery because energizer ultimate lithium is the longest lasting aa battery in the world.
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: all right! welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey, thanks, everybody! i like that! nothing like a mid-show chant! ( cheers and applause ) keep me going. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest as your friendly neighborhood spider-man. ( cheers and applause ) >> they are attacking the same coordinates. our satellite confirm it. >> we have one mission. kill it. you are coming with us. >> this all seems like big time, you know, huge superhero kind of stuff, and, i mean, i'm just a
friendly neighborhood spider-man, sir. >> please! you have been to space! >> i know, but that was an accident. come on, there's got to be someone else you can use. thor? >> off world. dr. strange. unavailable. captain marvel? don't invoke her tonight. >> stephen: please welcome, tom holland! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! thank you so much! thank you! >> stephen: whoo! hi! >> that's awesome. >> stephen: it is awesome, isn't it? lovely crowd, lovely night, puppies, and my favorite thing to do on the show of everything is the puppies. thank you for helping with "rescue dog rescue." >> i'll always help with "rescue dog rescue," anytime. >> stephen: you have your own dog.
>> i do. i have a terrier that's like a small fat pit bull. >> stephen: are they meant to be fat or are you overfed your bit pull? >> she's stocky, but she's lovely and sweet and kind and i miss her. >> stephen: because you're on the road a ton, but i understand you actually got to shoots some of this latest movie in london. >> yes. >> stephen: must be nice. what, were you living at home? >> i wasn't living at home. i rented a house near the studio with my friends, which i think was the best summer of my life because football was coming home, it was the world cup. then it didn't come home and we were all devastated. ( laughter ) but it was interesting. the first film was called spider-man: home coming shot thousands of miles from home. and this is called spider-man:
far from home, and i shot it 20 minutes from my parents' house. which meant they could nip to set, which wasn't so nice. like nip and a bop kind of thing. >> stephen: nip and a bop? nip and a bop, i'm just going to pop in the shop. ( laughter ) i'm going to stop. >> stephen: no, i just didn't know nip and a bop. >> i think it's actually pop. everyone in england is going he's an idiot. but no one gives me notes like my mom. >> stephen: on set she gives you notes? >> oh, yeah. really? you going to do it like that? ( laughter ) >> stephen: she's going with you to auditions when you were younger, was she along for the ride? >> i yo everything to my lovely mom. she did everything for me growing up when i was going for auditions. she said, you're going to have to stretch if you want to be in bill elliott, and i didn't stretch but i was lucky enough to get the job.
>> stephen: physically stretch? >> like touch your toes. >> stephen: i thought she meant as an actor. literally, you have to limber up if you are going to dance. >> yes. >> stephen: sounds like good advice. >> my mom's an amazing lady. ( audience reacts ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sure, i'm not going to be the one monster who doesn't applaud his mom. >> my poor mom will be going so red on a couch somewhere watching this. >> stephen: she'll love it. what's your mom's name? >> nicky. >> stephen: hi, nicky. you've done a lovely job. ( cheers and applause ) now you and your co-star in this film the lovely and talented jake jin gyllenhaal, he is anotr member of marvel universe coming from an alternate earth. something like that? >> something like that. >> stephen: have i given away too much, already?
>> well, you've given away more than i know. so thanks for that piece of information. >> stephen: i think he's from an alternate earth, in this film, he is. i think that's what he is. >> yeah. >> stephen: i read the electronic press kit. >> they don't even give me that. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: have you seen the movie? it's pretty good. >> i have seen the movie. >> stephen: you know the part i loved? when it's revealed that -- >> i'm actually british. >> stephen: yes, exactly. people are calling this a a lite bromance. the two of you look like you're having fun on the road. by the way, young people out there, can i try this again? young people out there, find somebody that looks at you the way jake gyllenhaal looks at him. >> we love each other. >> stephen: good! as well you should. are you hitting the clubs? >> we were in china recently and jake asked me if i wanted to go
to the gym. ( laughter ) and i have to be honest, i didn't want to go. ( laughter ) because jake gyllenhaal was ripped, right? >> stephen: yeah. and i'm really competitive. >> stephen: you're fit. i'm not jake gyllenhaal. he's a big guy. >> stephen: he is. we're doing ab exercises and leg exercises and he turns to me and says, tom, you want to hop on the treadmill and warm up? i said, i'm roasting, i'm fished. he said, we'll do a quick mile. i said, a mile? are we pressed for time? come on, let's do two. middle east i'm regretting saying that. we start off and there's a law in the gym that you can't run slower than the guy next to you. so i'm running next to him, two minutes in, i've got a stitch and am wishing everything is over, but i am saying i will
beat jake gyllenhaal in this race. >> stephen: sure. three or four minutes he says, tom, this is too easy, let's up the incline. i'm, like, yeah, i was thinking the same thing, let's do it! ( laughter ) so we upped the incline. four or five more kilometers go by. he goes, this is too easy. let's up it to three. goodness, fine, jake. yeah, sure, absolutely. by the end, we've got a kilometer left. he said 3.5. i'm like, 'tude, let's do 4. why 3.5? why stop there? >> stephen: yeah. and we're doing press later that day and i can't walk. ( laughter ) i'm sitting there and they said what's wrong with you? i said i do my own stunts. ( cheers and applause ) which i've done, by the way. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you!
>> stephen: spider-man: far from home, in theaters july 2. tom holland. we'll be back with democratic candidate andrew yang. join us! ( cheers and applause ) (woman) paul, my husband and i need new phones and we're looking to save money. (paul) sprint has a great deal. double the fun. lease the latest iphone and get an iphone xr on us. (woman) the iphone xr has an amazing camera. get in here! (paul) oh. yeah. (woman) i'm switching to sprint. for people with hearing loss, visit sprintrelay.com
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have fast internet a littland now the besthat you mobile network too? yeah and get them together and save hundreds on your wireless bill. wow, that's great. oh, and this looks great. are these words for sale? no. go, go, go, go, go. now you can get fast, reliable internet and save hundreds on your wireless bill. that's simple, easy, awesome. taxi! should i have stopped her? get started with a limited time offer for $19.99 a month for 12 months. and save when you get xfinity internet and mobile together. click, call or visit a store today. ( cheers and applause ) "stay human." >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! folks, my next guest this evening is one of the democratic
presidential candidates you will be seeing in the debate on thursday. please welcome, andrew yang! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: you've got some people here tonight who are excited that you're here, mr. yang. what do you call your followers? >> the yang-yangs are out here in full force. thank you all. >> stephen: yang-yangs. yes. >> stephen: part of your job is to meet the american people. part of the job is for americans to meet you. who is andrew yang? >> i'm an international airport and problem solver and i'm
running for president to solve the problems that got donald trump into the white house in 2016. we started with millions of manufacturing jobs in michigan, ohio, wisconsin, pennsylvania, and we're going to do the same thing to millions of retailer jobs, call center jobs, fast food jobs and truck driving jobs. so i'm running to help advance meaningful solutions including $1,000 a month for every american adult starting age 18. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: entrepreneur, what's your training? >> well, i went to law school and spent five unhappy months as a lawyer. >> stephen: and then you were out? >> yeah, my parents told people i was a lawyer for a couple of years afterwards. then i started a business that didn't work out, i worked for a technology company, and worked for a company that became the one of the biggest in the united states. >> stephen: basic universal
income, the freedom dividend. how does that work? >> the freedom dividends. if you can imagine a country where everyone gets $1,000 a month as a right of citizenship, it would make families stronger, create jobs, improvementle health, decrease stress levels and improve relationships. we can make this happen. thomas payne was this at the founding of the country. >> stephen: thomas payne said give everybody $1,000? >> yeah, the citizens dividend. martin luther king was fighting for this and called it a guaranteed minimum income. that's what he was fighting for when killed in 1968. >> stephen: where does the money come from? >> who are the big winners in this economy? amazon, a trillion-dollar feck company that paid zero in taxes last year. that's regular for them. if you put a mechanism in place where the american people get a tiny slice of every amazon sale, google search, uber mile, then we can pay for a $1,000 dividend
for the american people particularly because it will come through our hands and we would spend it. >> stephen: you started a pilot program giving $1,000 to families in iowa and new hampshire. no significance at all to those. ( cheers and applause ) you've got two votes definitely. how are they using it so far, these people? >> they're using it on exactly what you would expect, on their daughters' college loans, unexpected car repairs, the person in iowa moved back home to care for his ailing mother, so it's going to take care of bills and her medical payments, and it's going so well that i actually have an announcement tonight, i'm going to be giving $1,000 a month to another american family, and all you have to do is retweet the tweet that's going to go out concurrent with this show. >> stephen: right now? right now, and follow me, and we'll give $1,000 a month to an american family on fourth of
july independence day because it's all about making us freer. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: now, you're in the debate this thursday. what does a win look like for you? what do you want to get out of this? what do you want the people to see? >> well, most americans are just tuning in to 2020 right now, and most americans are still finding out about me and the other candidates, and, so, a win for me as americans tune in, they say who's the asian man standing next to joe biden and they look me up and see and says, wow, this makes sense, we can build a trickle-up economy from our families and communities up, and we really don't have a choice because artificial intelligence and self-driving cars are around the corner, if we don't make big moves now, this country will go through rougher times than it is now. >> stephen: is artificial intelligence, is there any chance they'd do talk shows, too? am i a talk show host in danger
of losing their jobs from all of that? >> you won't believe this, but they actually have a virtual talk show host, primarily reading the news, not comedy. >> stephen: okay. ( laughter ) that's worrisome. okay. i want to hit you up with some of the -- some of the policies that might come with the debate, some of your policies. this is a lightning round. go through this abs quickly as possible, please, mr. yang. you're in favor of empowering m.m.a. fighters. >> yes. >> stephen: what does that mean? that was more thain intended. >> mixed martial artists get paid about ten% of sports revenues whereas the major sports are paid 50%. they're getting exploided. i'm passionate about trying to balance the scales for fighters. >> stephen: free marriage counseling? >> yeah, the data shows that if
you have couples stay together, then the outcomes are more positive for children. so i makes sense to help people stay together. >> stephen: you're in favor of a white house psychologist? >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, and i thought it was a good yt even before our current president. >> stephen: you're in favor of abolishing the penny. >> yeah. so we spend more than a penny on each penny. >> stephen: you realize you just lost illinois. >> we can find another thing. >> stephen: that's all i've got. >> it's also bad for the environment. you have to get the copper out. the pennies don't make sense. who wants to be min behind the person in line, am i right? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: mm-hmm. you also came out against circumcision. again, asking for a friend -- ( laughter ) -- what if one's already had one, can they have an extra
thousand dollars just to compensate. you know, just a little tip? ( laughter ) >> you know, i think parents should do what they want, just educate themselves. as you saw in the earlier segment, it was like a comment on twitter, but i think parents need to get full information and do what's best for their kids. >> stephen: you're talking like comments on twitter aren't u.s. policy at this point. >> this is true. >> stephen: mr. yang, thanks for being here. good luck on thursday night. we'll be watching. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: you can see him again in thursday's debate. andrew yang, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by jenny lewis. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) (woman) have you smelled this litter? (man) no. (woman) nobody has! it's unscented! (vo) tidy cats free & clean unscented. powerful odor control with activated charcoal. free of dyes. free of fragrances. unscented odor control like that? try tidy cats free & clean. it made her d my mom feel proud.esults, they saw us, they recognized us.
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voluptuous volume. intense length. feathery-soft lashes. this is what paradise looks like. lash paradise mascara from l'oréal paris. take your lashes to paradise. >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be zendaya, julian edelman, and musical guest jenny lewis. now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs captio d by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from easter island,