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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  December 31, 2019 11:35pm-12:38am PST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> after marie yovanovitch's testimony at the impeachment hearing, during which the president attacked her via tweet, the former ambassador got an impromptu standing ovation at a d.c.-area jazz club. ( applause ) >> thank you. thank you, so much. >> "the late show" has acquired all the jazz club footage. ♪ ♪ >> jon: ladies and gentlemen, we have a special guest joining us tonight here at the blues alley jazz club. please enjoy the vocal stylings of former ambassador marie yovanovitch. >> our ukraine policy has been thrown into disarray. ♪ ♪ >> i do not understand mr. giuliani's motives for attacking me.
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♪ ♪ i stated that clearly. ♪ ♪ i stated that clearly. ♪ ♪ >> i stated-- ♪ ♪ >> --that clearly. ♪ ♪ >> how could our system fail like this? ♪ ♪ >> jon: hey! >> it's very intimidating. >> jon: wait, wait, wait. wait a minute. president trump just tweeted at you. "every jazz club marie yovanovitch goes to turns bad." ( laughter ) what a jerk. >> he is. ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: enter vindman. and stephen tours new zealand with lucy lawless and bret mckenzie. plus, stephen welcomes: helena bonham carter. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york
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city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: wooo! hi, there! please, have a seat, everybody. thank you very much. welcome, welcome one and all to "the late show." ( cheers ) lovely to have you here. i am your host, stephen colbert. it is day three? we are on to day three of live impeachment hearings. and i'm going to give you all the latest deetz in tonight's edition of: "don and the giant impeach." >> help me, please, help me! >> stephen: the first of four witnesses today was national security council ukraine expert, lieutenant colonel alexander vindman, seen here launching shock and awww. ( laughter )
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vindman came to the united states as a child when his father fled the soviet union, and went on to enlist in the army, where he received a purple heart for his service in iraq. given his history, the only way vindman could be more all- american is if he appeared in a ken burns documentary about the statue of liberty... which he did as a child. ( laughter ) >> came from kiev... >> and then we went to-- our mother died, so we went to italy, and then we came here. >> stephen: "and when i gwow up, i want to be in the awmy and testify about the pwesident's cowwuption in ukwaine." vindman used his opening statement to send a message to his father, who is still alive and fled the soviet union. >> when my father was 47 years old, he left behind his entire life and the only home he had ever known to start over in the united states so his three sons could have a better and safer lives. "dad, i am sitting here today in
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the u.s. capitol talking to our elected professionals is proof that you made the right decision 40 years ago to leave the soviet union, come here to the united states of america in search of a better life for our family. do not worry. i will be fine for telling the truth." >> stephen: that is beautiful. ( applause ) that is absolutely-- >> jon: love that. right on. >> stephen: that's moving and it's true. and it's true. but you know it's really going to enrage trump, because it features his two least-favorite things: immigrants and fathers who love their sons. ( laughter ) now, later on, representative sean maloney asked vindman about that statement. >> i am struck by that phrase, "do not worry," you addressed your dad. he would have worried if you were putting yourself up against the president of the united state, is that right? >> he deeply worried about it, because in his context, it was-- it was the ultimate risk. >> and why do you have
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confidence that you can do that and tell your dad not to worry? >> congressman, because this is america. this is the country that i have served and defended, that all of my brothers have served, and here, right matters. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's right. thank you. thank you, lieutenant colonel. yes, in america, right matters. you know, unless you're one of the congressmen on the right, then not so much these days. when republican ranking member devin nunes began his questioning, vindman was not afraid to clap back. >> mr. vindman, you testified in your deposition that you did not know the whistleblower. >> ranking member, it's lieutenant colonel vindman, please. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: or, or-- or ms. jackson, if you're nasty.
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( laughter ) then-- i'm paraphrasing, obviously. then it came time for utah representative chris stewart, who used his time to throw shade on vindman's military service. >> i see you're wearing your dress uniform, knowing that's not the uniform of the day. you normally wear a suit to the white house. i think it's a great reminder of your military service. >> stephen: congressman, i see you're wearing your little bitch face. it's not the face of the day-- ( laughter ) it's not the face of the day, but it is a great reminder that you're a total douche. vindman has an identical twin brother, who also serves in the military, and that was brought up by texas representative joaquin castro, whose identical twin brother, julian, is currently running for president. >> it's great to talk to a fellow identical twin, and i hope that your brother is nicer to you than mine is to me...
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( laughter ) ...and doesn't make you grow a beard. ( laughter ) >> stephen: then they continued for another 15 minutes in a weird twin language. ( talking in twin language ) ( laughter ) no letters, please. ( laughter ) republican jim jordan implied that lieutenant colonel vindman did not have the trust of his superiors, but vindman brought the receipts. >> so your boss had concerns about your judgment. your former boss, dr. hill, had concerns about your judgment. any idea why they have those impressions, colonel vindman? >> yes, representative jordan, i guess i'll start by reading dr. hill's own words as she-- she attested to in my last evaluation that was dated middle of july, right before she left. "alex is a top 1% military officer and the best army officer i've worked with in my 15 years of government service. he's brilliant, unflappable, and
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exercises excellent judgment." >> stephen: "he uses excellent judgement. he plans ahead. he brings documents that rebut jim jordan's weak-ass smack talk even before it leaves his dirty little mouth." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: oh! >> stephen: republicans spent the whole hearing trying to make it about the bidens, so during his questions, democratic congressman welch offered a challenge to president trump. >> and i will say this to president trump: you want to investigate joe biden, you want to investigate hunter biden, go at it. do it. do it hard. do it dirty, and do it the way you do do it. just don't do it by asking a foreign leader to help you in your campaign. >> stephen: ( as welch ) "do it. do it hard.
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do it dirty. but do it right here in front of us, where we can all watch your dirty, nasty little doing it. and i yield the remainder of my time to mistress domina, princess of punishment." ( laughter ) leading up to today's testimony, republicans had really high hopes for one of the afternoon witnesses. former u.s. special representative for ukraine and man spending way too much time on one part of the sex talk, kurt volker. according to previous witnesses, volker was deeply involved in the communication between the white house and ukraine, but today, volker testified that he was kept out of the loop. not a great sign for republicans when their key witness is a "guy who's out of the loop." ( as lawyer ) "the defense would like to call to the stand a blind janitor who was off work the day of the murder." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "did you see anything? no. thank you! the defense rests! you're out of order!" once the afternoon session started, it was time to swear in volker and former national
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security counsel adviser tim morrison, and-- oh, my god, who let that giant in? ( laughter ) i'm kidding, obviously. while he is 7'1", mr. morrison swore in just like anybody else: "i solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. so help me fee fi fo fum." ( laughter ) volker attempted to explain why he previously testified that there was no connection between military aid and investigations, which, turns out, is not true. >> since i gave my testimony on october 3, a great deal of additional information and perspectives have come to light. i've learned many things that i did not know at the time. >> stephen: "first and foremost, among them, that i'm far too pretty to go to jail." i'd like to-- i'd like to-- volker made it clear he wasn't a
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fan of his squad's nickname. >> much has been made of the term "three amigos" in reference to secretary perry, ambassador sondland, and myself. i've never used that term and, frankly, cringe when i hear it. ( as volker ) "i cringe because those guys are not my amigos. they are, at best, los acquaintances de work." ( laughter ) now, the democratic lead counsel asked morrison what he knew about the ukrainian energy company burisma, which is part of the conspiracy theory trump mentioned on the phone call. >> and after she informed you of this company burisma, what if anything did you do to determine what that was? >> after that particular handoff meeting, i proceeded to look it up on the internet. i googled it. >> stephen: ( as morrison ) "and i learned a lot of shocking things on google. did you know the male seahorse carries the babies? i did not know that. it's quite beautiful, really, it's quite-- it's quite-- >> jon: oh, my!
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>> stephen: while the testimony was going on, trump held a televised cabinet meeting. it was kicked off by energy secretary rick perry, who began with a prayer for the president and for the nation. but just look at what he's doing with his hands right there. you don't see that very often. ( as perry ) "dear lord. oh, boy. oh, jesus. oh, jesus god in heaven. i just-- oh, lord it's-- it's-- dear lord, it's-- never mind who it is. it's-- i'm praying for a friend who's in trouble. he'd-- he'd offer the prayers to you himself, but first, he'd like you to do him a favor, though." we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) new zealand week continues, and i go to wellington, new zealand, and learn how to be a real new zealander from xena the warrior princess and a flight of concorde.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human. right there. killing it! jon, jon, jon. we've got so much show. jon, there's so much-- there's so much to talk about. there's so much to do tonight. >> jon: there's a lot going on tonight. >> stephen: this week is new zealand week all week long, all the pieces from our trip down to new zealand. we're going to show lucy lawless and bret mckenzie. helena bonham carter is on tonight in just a few minutes.
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( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yes, yes! >> stephen: and tomorrow night, live show, live show after the debate, right here from the ed sullivan theater. don't miss it. now you're going to want to collect them all. one of the democrats questioning witnesses in the inquiry is california congressman and guy telling you his dad owns a boat, eric swallwell. ( laughter ) swallwell went on "hard chris with matthew ball" last night to lay out some of the evidence against donald trump. but there was what many are claiming was an embarrassing moment. see if you can spot it. >> i've counted at least five people testifying this week who were on the phone listening to the president talk about this swap of dirt for u.s. military aid. >> chris, so far, the evidence is uncontradicted that the president used taxpayer dollars to ask the ukraines to help him cheat... ( loud fart noise ) an election.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: now, i don't know exactly what happened there, but if it's what you think it is, it came through loud and clear. ( laughter ) i cannot know this, but, evidently, msnbc mics their guests' pants. now, cards on the table, i didn't want to talk about this. i saw the clip on twitter before i went to bed last night, and i didn't click on it because i thought, surely this will pass. but it didn't. this one lingered. because-- this is true, when i woke up this morning, #fartgate was still trending. not only that, a reporter from "buzzfeed" actually texted representative swalwell and said, "i'm really sorry about this, but i have to ask if this was you or someone in the studio?" to which swalwell replied, "it was not me! ha.
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and i didn't hear it when i was speaking." "you look like you heard it, and are stifling a laugh." "i def did not hear it." ( laughter ) congressman, you claim you didn't even hear it? now we know it was you. ( laughter ) that was established as admissible evidence in the landmark decision of "denied it v. supplied it." but msnbc had swallwell's back, because late last night, "hardball" actually tweeted, "sorry to disappoint the conspiracy theorists. it was the 'hardball' mug scraping across the desk. get yours today!" not a great sales pitch: "our mug will make millions of people think you just ripped one. great stocking stuffer!" ( laughter ) but whoever is responsible shouldn't be embarrassed. we're all human, and history is full of notable figures who famously passed gas at inopportune moments. and i've been waiting to say
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this next sentence for years: jim, roll the fart montage. >> mr. gorbachev, tear down this wall. ( farting ) >> i want you to listen to me. i'm going to say this again. ( farting ) i did not have sexual relations with that woman. ( farting ) >> today, i consider myself the luckiest man on the face of the earth. ( farting ) >> that's one small step for man, one giant-- ( farting ) --for mankind. oh god, i'm trapped in the suit with it! ( laughter ) >> stephen: when we come back, i'll be in wellington, new zealand, learning to be a kiwi. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) (worried) i'm n. you pick it up! i'm not picking it up! i'll pick it up! they're clean! (raps) 'cuz my hiney's clean.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! folks, you might be able to tell, i don't know if you can tell at home, but i'm in a really great mood tonight because all this week we're celebrating the great country of new zealand by showing my incredible trip down there in our series: >> "the late show" presents: stephen colbert, the newest zealander." >> stephen: last night, i had the honor of meeting with prime minister jacinda ardern. and after her warm welcome, i wanted to learn how to blend in as a regular kiwi. and to learn how to do that, i flew down to wellington, new zealand and met up with two of new zealand's biggest celebrities: bret mckenzie, who is one half of "flight of the conchords," and lucy lawless, who is 100% of "xena: warrior princess." ( cheers and applause ) jim? >> stephen: hey, you guys. >> hi, stephen. >> stephen: hi, lucy. >> hi, stephen. >> hi, bret.
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>> stephen: thanks so much for meeting me here in wellington. cards on the table: things in the northern hemisphere are looking a little dicey these days and i was hoping you could teach me how to be a kiwi to fit in, in case i need to head south if things go south. >> oh sure, yeah. >> totally. >> stephen: as an american, i like to start everything with food, so let's put something in my mouth. >> let's do it. >> stephen: great. what are we looking at here? >> toastie pie. it's a white bread-based dish. >> stephen: okay. >> what they've done, they've put in there a thing we call tinned spaghetti. >> stephen: tin spaghetti? so this is spaghetti in a can? >> it's really good. >> stephen: is this the result of some sort of world war ii surplus spaghetti? >> no, it's like italian food. >> stephen: that you had to do something to get rid of? >> yeah, it's an italian-new zealand treaty. >> stephen: so basically, your greatest chefs are just as skilled as my college sophomore roommate. this looks like a pop-tart filled with sadness.
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this is-- ( laughter ) >> no, no, no. >> stephen: okay. >> this is a classic sausage sizzle opportunity. >> stephen: again, white bread. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: you have not achieved bun technology. ( laughter ) >> we don't do buns, no. do you have sausage sizzles? >> stephen: when i was younger, i needed the money. ( laughter ) that is what? >> this is vegamite, or marmite on toast. and i'm not sure, this is kind of whole wheat-ish isn't it? oh no, it's white. >> this is another white bread- based new zealand classic. >> i just have to lick is because i'm gluten free. oh, you know what, there's gluten in it. >> stephen: there's gluten in marmite? >> yeah, but you can get gluten free. >> stephen: i probably shouldn't have it then. i might be gluten intolerant. just for safety's sake, i'm not sure-- am i? i'll ask my assistant. >> you'll be all right. you'll be all right. give it a go. >> stephen: can i eat gluten? >> nah, it's sweet as, you'll like it. >> stephen: what, i'm sorry?
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>> it's sweet as, you'll like it. >> stephen: what did you say about my ass? >> it's very sweet. >> stephen: oh, thank you. okay, here we go. ( laughter ) >> great, right? >> what do you think? >> good man. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's good. let's talk slang. how do you say "yes?" >> "yes." >> stephen: okay, how do you say "no?" >> you can simply say no, but you more commonly say yeah, nah. >> like "i agree with you, that's not a good idea." >> for example, would you like some more marmite on toast, stephen? >> stephen: yeah, nah. ( applause ) >> the other trick to sounding like a kiwi is not moving your mouth too much. >> a bit like a southern drawl. it's much easier for kiwi actresses and actors to do a southern accent. >> stephen: try "boy it's a hot day i'm so thirsty." >> boy, it's a hot day, i'm so thirsty.
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>> boy, it is such a hot day-- what's that? >> stephen: you're a smoker is what it sounds like, which is pretty good for the sound. >> that's not a region. that's not a region. that's not region specific. >> stephen: kind of. >> should we show you some of wellington? >> stephen: that would be great. >> yeah, let's go. i'll just take that. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: how are we getting around town? >> this is just, you know, a crocodile bike. >> stephen: all right. >> the usual. >> stephen: are there crocodiles in new zealand? >> no, this is the only crocodile you'll find. >> stephen: how much of your national economy is based on whimsy? ( laughter ) >> just crocodile bikes. >> stephen: are you-- are you proud of your country here? >> oh, yeah. love it. love it. >> yeah. >> stephen: i miss that feeling. >> it's beautiful. >> stephen: oh, yeah, yeah. hello. nice to see you. would you like a ride? >> i like walking. >> stephen: okay. wow, wow. "i like walking!"
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>> oh, she just told you. >> stephen: that was-- there was just a little bit of judgment in that. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you know who these two people are? >> ah, yes. >> stephen: do you know who they are? >> ah, yes. >> stephen: and this is your reaction? >> ah, yes. >> stephen: i think i would like to be famous down here. this is nice. this is almost like not being famous. >> yes, it's very similar. >> it's as good as not being famous! >> might as well not be here, man. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: i want to try to hit this hill. >> get some speed up guys, come on! look out, redhead! wooo! >> stephen: heavy on that break. ( bleep ). >> oh, yeah, nailed it, nailed it. it's like bungee jumping. >> stephen: is it true everybody gets health insurance here? >> yeah, nah, nah. you don't need insurance. >> you just go to the hospital and they'll fix you. >> stephen: they'll fix you. >> even if you walk in they'll just take care of you. >> stephen: as a tourist. >> as a tourist you get free health care, yeah. >> stephen: i was thinking when i was down here just injuring my face a little bit, just getting injured right here. and i'll go back to the states and they'll go, "you look so rested."
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"new zealand does that." free health care, i like that. when you say yeah, nah. how many of those can you string together? >> maybe it's two. you go yeah, nah. yeah. nah. ( laughter ) >> you get one more final, actually. >> and then people are like oh, you tosser. >> stephen: the agree of difficulty on that is-- what's a tosser? what's a tosser? >> let's pretend i didn't say that. >> stephen: what's a tosser? >> got to go now, got to go. >> a tosser is a wanker. >> stephen: and what's a wanker? >> like-- >> shhh. >> well, my mother explained it to me thus. she said "it's when someone rubs his penis until it goes cowie-zowie." >> stephen: that's really what a wanker is? ( laughter ) this is a wanker? >> that's a wanker, yeah. >> tosser's pretty-- >> stephen: tosser's terrible. >> tosser's pretty mean. >> stephen: tosser's terrible because it really paints a picture, so to speak. like a jackson pollock. >> oh, my god! >> stephen: none of this-- cbs will let us do all of this, right? ♪ ♪ are people friendly around here?
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>> oh, super friendly! >> stephen: is it easy to meet people? >> let's see. >> stephen: so where are you guys from? >> just local, yeah. >> stephen: what-- what do i need to know to be a kiwi? just tell me the thing that essentially i have to know if i'm going to pass. >> oh, geez, you've got to know how to do a hummy. >> stephen: what's a hummy? >> hummy is-- >> stephen: is that the sausage on the bread? >> give him a hummy. >> when you press the bridge of your nose up against-- >> give him a hummy, go on. and share breath. ( laughter ) >> stephen: in some countries we're now a common law couple. ( laughter ). >> see the big hand on top of the building? that's the art gallery, it's the big hand upside down! it looks like it's giving the finger. >> stephen: "cosmopolitan" magazine says that's the one move that will drive your man wild. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ i'm in. i want to be a kiwi. what else do i need to do? >> got to change your clothes. come with us.
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>> stephen: i can't wear this? this is all i wear. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yeah. ( applause ) >> looking good. looking good. >> stephen: what do you think? i watched a bunch of sam neal movies, watched all the "jurassic parks." >> it's uncanny. i'm so surprised. >> stephen: very nice. hi. i'm not actually from here, but i don't want to confuse anybody. >> you look like everyone else here. >> stephen: yeah, yeah. i lotioned my legs. >> the bottom half is pretty accurate. up to about here you look like a school principal. >> stephen: so a figure of authority. so a figure of authority. >> yes. >> there's something uncanny about it, like, it's uncomfortable looking at you. >> stephen: yeah, because why is an american accent coming out of this pure kiwi body right now?
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>> i can't even look at him. >> stephen: fight it. come on, let's keep this professional, lucy. let's get a drink. >> cheers. >> cheers. >> cheers. >> stephen: to new zealand. >> to new zealanders like us. >> to the latest new zealander. >> stephen: what do we say in new zealand when we toast? what do we say? >> just still "cheers" isn't it? >> stephen: cheers? >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: fellow kiwis, if i could have your attention for just a moment now. i've recently been inducted into your lovely nation as you can tell from my native garb. would you join me in a rousing chorus of your beautiful national anthem? ♪ ♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: play ball! by which i mean rugby. thank you, bret. thank you, lucy. tomorrow night, i learn how to play rugby with the new zealand all blacks. we'll be right back with helena bonham carter! cheers! (little boy) he's coming! (make-a-wish volunteer) ok, he's coming, c'mon c'mon... here we go... ♪ (little santa) somali...alika? (little santa) where's kiara? (little santa) i got this for you.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back to the show. ladies and gentlemen, you know my first guest tonight from "a room with a view", "the king's speech," and "harry potter." she's now playing princess margaret in "the crown." please welcome helena bonham carter! ( applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: no, please, no, no, i beg you. i beg you. please.
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that's a lovely jacket. >> this is where-- this isn't where david letterman did it. >> stephen: this is the exact same theater. >> because it was always cold. >> stephen: no, this is the same theater, the ed sullivan. >> i remember it was always cold. >> stephen: it's extraordinarily cold in here. >> this is why i brought that. >> stephen: good for you. good for you. well planned. well planned, helena bonham carter. >> good thinking. >> stephen: lovely to meet you. >> lovely to meet you. let's do it again. hello, hello. >> stephen: hello, nice to see you. for the people out there who haven't seen it yet you're playing princess margaret in "the crown." >> only for this season, yes. >> stephen: only for this season? >> no, absolutely wrong. ( laughter ) this season and next season. seasons three and four. i was vanessa kirby. >> stephen: okay. >> when you age in "the crown," you become a different actor. >> stephen: oh. >> that's what happens. >> stephen: that's very interesting. that sounds painful. >> when you're part of the royal family. it was kind of painful.
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>> stephen: now, i understand you actually-- you met princess margaret while she was still with us. >> i did, i did. kind of, looking back on it-- i mean, i kind of-- she was-- it sounds like a bit show-off-y, but she was kind of a friend of the family, because my uncle happened to know her from a long, long time-- >> stephen: by "know" you mean they dated? >> it's really up in the air. we can't really be-- let's see. oh, you see. it's so nice. that is my uncle mark. he's amazing. you see, he was a prisoner of war, and he escaped from behind enemy lines. he walked the whole of italy, escaped. and they didn't send him back to war, and they asked him to guard princess ann, who was at windsor-- not ann, margaret. >> stephen: sure. >> slightly jetlagged. you get the gist. >> stephen: sure. >> and they ended up being good friends. >> stephen: was she around the house when you were a kid? >> no, she wasn't, i would go to parties and i was always told there was a princess in the room. i were like, "okay."
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because she was a stickler for protocol and now i realize why. >> stephen: why? >> she just wanted to control what she could. >> stephen: okay, i understand. >> she had very little. and i think she was very-- she was someone who was very bossy and she was very precise, and it was almost like this is what she could do for the british empire. you know, make sure everyone was treated-- she was very bossy. but if you have very little control over your life, you can often end up controlling the little that you can. maybe. i don't know. i have all sorts of reasons to justify my behavior in this series. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have-- >> they're all positive. >> stephen: we have a clip here. can you explain what's going on here, who you're speaking to? >> probably not. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, you know what? >> let's just let her go. >> stephen: let's just free-ball it, jim? >> she means well. the two of us are complicated. >> she and i are complicated. >> it's true. elder sister, younger sister. number one and number two. >> who's number one? >> you.
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of course. a natural number one whose tragedy it is to have been born number two. >> that is my burden. >> she knows it, too. >> yes, i think she does. that's her battle. ( applause ) ( cheers ) >> i didn't tell you, i'll tell you quickly now-- >> stephen: or take your time. you don't have to say it quickly. >> i'm slightly tired. that's all. i just got off a plane. i'm not bored or anything. >> stephen: would you like a cup of coffee? >> yes. >> stephen: i've got a fresh one right here, i haven't touched it. >> do you have anything else? >> stephen: would you like a cup of tea? >> oh, let's have our tea. that is so perfect. >> stephen: here we go. so, yes, so you were talking with princess margaret. do go on. ( laughter ) uh-huh. uh-huh. >> you put the milk in first.
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>> stephen: milk in first? i do not know your foreign ways. how much, say when. >> stop! >> stephen: stop. ( laughter ) do you like sugar? >> no. >> stephen: no? say h-when? >> i will. i didn't. ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's hot! i didn't want to scald you. >> just testing. >> stephen: is that all right? >> it's all right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: before you tell the story, very quickly. she says, "burden." >> burden. >> stephen: there's a different royal accent than, like, a received english accent. it's a very specific accent, it sounds to me. >> yes, we had an accent coach. burden, burden. >> stephen: do they have a specific one? it sounds different to me. >> there are all sorts of different sounds in the royal accent. basically, you can't move your upper lip. try talking without moving your upper lip. ( laughter ) go on. do it. >> stephen: i'll do my best. ( laughter ) i'll do my best. >> better, better. >> stephen: better, better, yes,
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yes, yes, i understand. >> that's good. >> stephen: very good, very good, yes, i understand. >> now say "burden." burden. >> stephen: burden. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> you could be in the next series! >> stephen: i'm ready! >> yes! >> stephen: i'm ready! >> season 4! >> stephen: okay, so what did she say to you? >> what did she say to me? i was in my 30s, i had finally gotten a few years of acting, and i saw her at a reception at windsor. she was tiny, by the way. she was tiny. she was-- she was-- >> stephen: and you're not huge yourself. >> that's why i'm better than vanessa, because i'm short. i can do that better. and she said, "oh, helena"-- remembering that i was the niece of the... maybe ex-boyfriend, or whatever he was. "hello. you are getting better at acting, aren't you?" ( laughter ) >> stephen: wow! >> i mean it's kind of like-- now i know her very well, i feel i know her very well.
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it's kind of classically her that she's brilliant at complimenting and putting you down at the same time. there was always an ambivalence. and she liked, whether it was conscious or not, to unsettle people, so you were going constantly like-- >> stephen: wow! >> there was a lot of duality. so she would be incredibly friendly and then very not. and it's a switch. and that's why she's fun to play, possibly not fun to be inside for her. >> stephen: maybe not, she did not seem like a happy person. >> not all the time. but she had some happy bits, but they make less-interesting dramas than unhappy. so, but she's not as unhappy as people would like. i think she was quite frustrated that generally everyone thought, "oh, the unhappiest lady ever." she had a lot of fun, and she was witty and she enjoyed life, too, she was multi-dimensional. >> stephen: yes, she was. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, we have to take a little bit of a break. please don't go away because when we come back i will ask
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helena bonham carter to spill the tea. ( cheers and applause ) there you go. sin #17... too many after-parties. new neutrogena® bright boost with dullness-fighting neoglucosamine. boosts cell turnover by 10 times for instantly brighter skin. bright boost neutrogena®. hey, you wanna shoot me one? steady the elbow. ♪ oooh. amateur. someone show him how it's done. ♪ ♪ ahh boom shaka laka. feisty. ♪ ahh dangerously cheesy. quitting smoking is freaking, like quitting every monday hard. quitting feels so big. so, try making it smaller.
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laso you can enjoy it even ifst you're sensitive. se. yet some say it isn't real milk. i guess those cows must actually be big dogs. sit! i said sit!
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back! we're here with helena bonham carter, star of season three of "the crown" on netflix. now, we've got our tea. >> yes. >> stephen: and you know the american phrase "spill the tea." >> i've been taught it. >> stephen: you've been taught spilled tea. >> it's basically get the goss. >> stephen: you get the goss, exactly. grease me. >> yes. >> stephen: so you have had a long and storied career with some fantastic costars. and i would like you to spill the tea on some of your costars. okay? >> okay, in a non-"daily mail" dangerous way. >> stephen: any way you would like to. >> fifth amendment. okay. >> stephen: spill the tea on your costar, olivia colman. >> very big heart. niagara, in her capacity for crying. >> stephen: oh, really. she can turn on the waterworks? >> she's extraordinary. but i think she feels everything. she's-- there's nobody like her.
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with no tear duct like her, actually. ( laughter ) >> stephen: all right, okay. colin firth, your costar from "the king's speech. >> colin, i love dearly, he talks too much. >> stephen: talks too much, uh- huh. oh, yeah. >> it was ironic, because-- >> stephen: chatty cathy, go on. >> he was playing basically princess margaret's father who, obviously, had problems with speech, hence, you know, he had a stammer. so the only way i knew when we were actually filming was "colin stopped talking." and i'd go, "oh, we must be filming, he stopped." ( laughter ) he's going to kill me. >> stephen: okay, your costar from "oceans eight." rihanna. >> rihanna, she's amazing, she's a goddess. she looks extraordinary. she is a goddess. i could never understand a word she said, though. ( laughter ) >> stephen: really? >> we speak totally different languages. but i loved her. and she was amazing to look at. really good actress, too. and then she's a great designer, she's an amazing phenomenon. >> stephen: she sings as well, have you heard? >> oh, yes, that's right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay, dish the dirt on sasha baron cohen.
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i'll start. i had dinner with him at george clooney's house, and he came dressed up in lederhosen carrying a 45-pound wheel of cheese. ( laughter ) >> really? i think he needs-- >> stephen: true story. >> he's got slight-- he needs attention, doesn't he? i mean, a slight attention seeker? >> stephen: yes, yes, a little bit, he's an actor. >> well, he's more than just an actor. >> stephen: he's a... menace? ( laughter ) >> he has emotional issues. >> stephen: he has emotional issues. >> yeah. >> stephen: that is what we call spilling the tea, girl. >> oh, god. >> stephen: all right, brad pitt, "fight club." >> absolute gentleman. >> stephen: really? >> yeah, gentleman, and-- >> stephen: spill it. >> he's-- oh, you mean i've got it tell something-- no, no. he's a gentleman, and he looks as if he swallowed the sun, you know. he's just got this sort of-- he's just such a good thing on the exterior and the interior. >> stephen: good to know, good to know. >> absolutely, there's no tea to spill. >> stephen: and now just, like, give me the grease on this just
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pile of mess, daniel radcliffe. ( laughter ) >> oh! the radcliffe. he's got nice manners, too. >> stephen: does he? >> yeah. loves poems. he writes them. >> stephen: he writes poems? >> yeah, he writes them. he also quotes poems. and he was really handy because i like my tea and my coffee and my diet coke and things, and he'd hold them all for me. so he was a really helpful-- ( laughter ) >> stephen: he's your footman. that's why you like him. well, helena, thank you so much for being here. cheers. thank you so much for joining us. >> thank you. >> stephen: hello! season three of "the crown" is available now on netflix. helena bonham carter, everybody! we'll be right back.
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>> stephen: that's it for "the late show." stick around for james. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show


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