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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 8, 2020 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump and michael bloomberg both plan to spend $10 million each for commercials during the big game. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ >> hello? >> aaaah. >> aaaah. >> aaaah. >> aahhh. >> aahhh. >> so long, thanks. the call was a perfect call. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: world war free!
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plus, stephen welcomes larry david and comedian pedro gonzalez featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hello! >> stephen: how are you? hello, everybody. please, have a seat. ladies and gentlemen, welcome i am so happy-- you knowrt. what? i can tell you're happy. i'm happy to be here tonight. i'm happy here is here tonight because it was a little dicey
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the last 24 hours. because remember when trump killed the top iranian general qassem soleimani and everybody was like, "is this world war iii?" well, i'm happy to announce it's not world war iii! it's not! ( cheers and applause ) i don't know if you can tell, but we made most of this graphic when we were a little more nervous. ( laughter ) but here's the thing. it's not world war iii, and that's wonderful. but it's not like nothing happened. last night, iran fired 22 missiles at two military bases in iraq where american troops are stationed. the attack happened at 5:30, and for hours, we knew nothing. then at 9:45 p.m. eastern time, our commander in chief tweeted at a worried nation, "all is well! ( laughter ) missiles launched from iran at two military bases located in iraq. assessment of casualties and damages taking place now. so far, so good! we have the most powerful and
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well equipped military anywhere in the world, by far! i will be making a statement tomorrow morning." well there tthere it is. notice you know. so important, so important. right there in black and white: reassurance from the commander in chief that there is absolutely nothing to worry- >> all is well! >> stephen: oh, no! it's "the late show's all is well" alarm! jon, quick! get the happiness football! quick! do you have your key, jon? >> jon: yes, yes. >> stephen: insert your key. insert your key. on my mark... 3... 2... 1.. ( alarm stops ) >> stephen: good work, jon. >> jon: man! >> stephen: thank you,( applaus) it's okay, folks. it's okay. we've achieved "defcon fine."
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( laughter ) now, you'll remember, after the soleimani strike, trump tweeted a low-res image of an american flag. and i guess to drive home the point that this was retaliation, an iranian official tweeted this: they're fighting with clip art. can it's meme-- it's meme warfare. trump will have no choice but to hit back with, "ehrmagerd, we're at wehr!" nope! nope! nope! don't spoil me. then, as promised, this morning, trump emerged to address a worried world from what looked like a live nuclear reactor. ( laughter ) the president started his statement with a weirdly abrupt
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greeting. >> as long as i am president of the united states, iran will never be allowed to have a nuclear weapon. good morning. ( laughter ) >> stephen: strange, very strange hello. ( as dentist ) "as long as i'm your dentist, your fillings will never be composed of mashed-up, other people's teeth. hello, i'm dr. ditworth." >> jon: oh, my gosh. >> stephen: trump was quick to dlaim victory. >> iran appears to be standing down, which is a good thing for all parties concerned, and a very good thing for the world. >> stephen: (as trump) "iran appears to be standing down. and thanks to an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and mirrors, i appear to be standing up." ( laughter ) "pretty good. thank you for your service, david copperfield." ( applause ) old reference. old reference.
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of course, it wouldn't be a trump speech without some miss-speaching. >> the civilized world must send a clear and unified message to the iranian regime: your campaign of terror, murder, mayhem will not be tala-rided any longer. america's achieved energy independence. these historic accomplaments... chains our strategic priorities. it. >> stephen: rest easy, america. that is the man deciding who ligs and who dibes. so gm line-- and it's a very nice bottom line-- we're not at war. we're so not at war that there's big news about the british royal family. brace yourself: prince harry and meghan markle, the duke and duchess of sussex, have released a statement saying, "we intend to step back as 'senior' members of the royal family." that's right, harry and meghan are stepping down as senior
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members of the royal family. do you have any idea what that means? because i have no idea what that means. i have-- there are senior levels of royal. >> jon: they have levels. >> stephen: i thought it went king, queen, prince and princess, jack of spades, boy wizard, dukes of hazzard, and then cartoon mouse that sews cinderella's dress. ( laughter ) according to the couple's statement, they're withdrawing from some of their official duties and now plan to balance their time between the united kingdom and north america. i say, "welcome, meghan and harry. on behalf of all former rebels against the british crown, you're going to love declaring independence. it comes with free speech and unlimited breadsticks." ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) what's not to like? >> jon: you've got tow love
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it. >> stephen: decrowning themselves will bring some big life changes, because it will allow harry and meghan to work for money, something they currently can't do. this is great. she's an actress. this means meghan markle can go back to "suits!" and harry can sell them at men's wearhouse! ( laughter ) this came-- this came as-- i'd buy a suit from him, sure! this came as a shock to everyone. one bbc journalist reports, "no other member of the royal family was consulted before harry and meghan issued their personal statement tonight. the palace is understood to be disappointed." oh, disappointed. trans: that means her majesty is queen eliza-piiiisssed! with any luck, harry and megan will be back across the pond in el.and democrats-- ( applause ) of choices out there-- hello. still don't know who that is.
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i still don't know who that is. last week, they went down to a ton minus one, because former housing and urban development secretary julian castro announced he was ending his campaign. so it is time to say goodbye to secretary castro. okay. wait a second! is that his twin, joaquin castro? you guys can't "parent trap" us! get out of here! of course, as some folks leave the race, others jump right in. the most recent to join was former new york mayor and man with monogrammed seat belt bowtie, in case his neck is in an descent, michael bloomberg. if you have a tv, you may have heard of him, because bloomberg has spent a staggering $100 million on campaign ads in one month. he's hoping he can get elected just by being recognized from tv ads, which is why the frontrunner for his v.p. slot is
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the mucinex mucus blob. ( laughter ) he just announced his biggest ad buy of all. bloomberg's campaign has purchased a 60-second ad during next month's super bowl. we don't know what the commercial is going to look like yet. so far, all we know is that, "the biggest point is getting under trump's skin." good luck. ache supprela.nd)us nice a nice goal, but that stuff's tougher than the rind on a butternut squash. but just hours after bloomberg's campaign announced their ad buy, trump announced he was also dropping $10 million on a super bowl ad. well, i have something to say to politicians of all parties: get n't wantsee politicis. ( cheers and applause ) that's not what the day is for. i don't want to see candidates
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for political office. i only want to see friendships between horses and puppies and inter-racial couples enjoying cereal. i want to cry because of a truck! the man loves that truck so that man loves that truck so much. and highs in the truck with another man who loves the truck. and the other man is his father. they both love the truck so much. >> audience: oooh! >> stephen: i love you, truck. in other democrat news, last night, elizabeth warren held a big rally in brooklyn, and from the looks of it, she had a great time. check out her moves: ♪ ♪ ♪ just a little bit hey, baby ♪ just a little bit >> stephen: wow, she's rocking a real "every chaperone at the
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eighth grade dance" vibe. ♪ ♪ "vogue" recently where they asked about her signature look: black pants, black shirt, and solid-colored sweaters and blazers. or, as "vogue" for some reason put it, warren's closets, kept in spectral order, look like mr sgers. edtret'ssch acros but-- spoiler alert-- it's the shocking ending of "a beautiful day in the neighborhood." ( laughter ) we also-- it's king friday. that's king friday's dudgeon. the idea is-- ♪ ♪ thank you! we also got the fourth-quarter fundraising numbers this week, and they're good for the democratic party, because in 2019, if you combine all ofthdeb yeah, put them together. he just put them together. clearly, in 2020, trump stands
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no chance against democrazoid. ( laughter ) much of that fundraising came from mr. bernie sanders, who, in the fourth quarter alone, raised $34.5 million. ( applause ) yeah. and bernie has plans to use it. while other democratic candidates are stuck in d.c. for the senate's impeachment trial, bernie plans on attending rallies after hours by hopping on private jets. now, as someone who has flown on a private jet, let me assure you, those things will knock the socialism right out of you. ( as bernie ) "equality for all! for too long, the billionaire class has-- wait. we get to drive up straight to the plane, and i can keep my shoes on? the bottom 99% can redistribute 100% of their lips to my butt! i am balling out on the g6!" shake it up, ladies. i knot a lot of money. i'm raining honey roast peanuts
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back here." we've got a great show for you tonight. larry david is here. when we return, facebook promises to interfere in our next election. stick around!
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) jon, what a lovely night. what a lovely night. beautiful evening in here. and one of the things that's going to make it beautiful tonight is our guest tonight is the wonderful, the talented larry david is going to be out
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here. and serendipitously, tomorrow our guest is bernie sanders. >> jon: oh, yeah, bernie sanders is going to be in here. >> stephen: so tomorrow night when you're watching bernie sanders, don't think it's a rerun of larry david. >> jon: oh, no, no. >> stephen: it's not. a lot of people make that mistake. >> jon: it's very confusing. >> stephen: we all know what a huge impact facebook had on trump getting elected in 2016. and the dangers of facebook's power have just been addressed in a newly released internal guy about to rap about fractions, andrew bosworth. in his memo, bosworth acknowledged that facebook had been late to address the issues of data security, misinformation, and foreign interference. you're not late if you've never started. you just announced facebook won't stop running political ads and won't stop candidates from lying in them. that's why we're still seeing
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ads for bernie sanders' "one weird trick to lose belly fat." ( laughter ) he looks good. he looks good. >> jon: mmm! >> stephen: now, despite facebook doing jack-all about being a tool to help trump, and bosworth saying he wants trump to lose, bosworth doesn't want to do anything rash, such as "anything," writing, "facebook has a moral duty not to tilt the he seeksgainst trump as re-election." adding, he "found himself wanting to use the social network's powerful platformagt feels tempted to do so, "i find myself thinking of 'the lord of the rings' at this moment specifically, when frodo offers the ring to galaial, and she imagines using the power righteously at first, but knows it will eventually corrupt her." okay, look, i get what you're trying to say here: you don't want to use evil to defeat evil,
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but... galadri-"al"?! come on, man! it's galad of the woods, lady of lorien,dylariel the valley of the singing gold. one of the three elfen rings of power. galadriel. galadri-"al" sounds like the elf that runs a radiator repair shop in rivendell: "no way i can do it before tuesday. sorry about that." before we go on, i want to?mi you're on my turf defending the president of the united states. a man we can best describe as morgoth's left nard. oh, you t kn who morgoth is?apu knowy valar name, melkor? brother of manwe. no? then buckle up, mellon, because i'm about to school the shire out of you. ( cheers and applause )
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facebook-- facebook-- facebook is an all-powerful device used by the forces of evil to corrupt men,o it less like t one ring a more ke the nine rings that turned the fallen kings into the nazgul before binding their fate to that of the dark lord sauron. oh, and, also, unlike you, galadriel doesn't collect a weekly paycheck from the ring. now, go back to the shadow. because your excuses shall not pass! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with larry david. ♪ the sun is risin' ♪ ♪ as the day begins ♪ time for reflectin' on family and friends ♪ ♪ and hey, we got somethin' ♪ ♪ just for you (sniffing) ♪ it's a cup of your favori-i-i-ite... ♪ (loud spin ♪ it's a cup of your (high-pitched laughter) dang woodchucks! co, the savings keep on going. just like this sequel.
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trumpand total disaster.mplete let obamacare implode. nurse: these wild attacks on healthcare hurt the patients i care for. i've been a nurse in new york for thirty years. i know the difference leadership can make because i saw what mike bloomberg did as mayor. vo: mayor bloomberg helped lower the number of uninsured by 40%, covering 700,000 more new yorkers, life expectancy increased.
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he helped expand health coverage to 200,000 more kids and upgraded pediatric care--- infant mortality rates dropped to record lows. and as mayor, mike bloomberg always championed reproductive health for women. so when you hear mike bloomberg on health care... mrb: this is america. we can certainly afford to make sure that everybody that needs to see a doctor can see a doctor, everybody that needs medicines to stay healthy can get those medicines. nurse: you should know, he did it as mayor, he'll get it done as president. mrb: i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest is an actor, writer, producer, and comedian.
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he is the creator and star of "curb your enthusiasm," which is returning for its 10th season. please welcome larry david! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> this is very nice. >> stephen: it is nice, isn't it? >> this is very, very comfortable. >> stephen: thank you! we want people to want to stay. >> and it's facing-- it's facing forward, you know. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> well, a lot of-- they used to be diagonal couches, right. >> stephen: sure, sure, sure. i'm willing to turn and face you. i don't make you turn and face me. >> that's wait it should be. >> stephen: thank you. i'm the host. you're my guest. of course i would treat you better than you're treating me. >> yeah, well... that remains to be seen.
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>> stephen: it's early. >> it's early. >> stephen: happy new year, by the way. >> come on. >> stephen: what do you mean? you don't want a happy new year? >> it's a little late, isn't it? are you kidding? >> stephen: it's january 8. that's too late. >> that's enough. that's enough. >> stephen: what is the cutoff? >> because you're getting it 10 days before okay -- >> stephen: no you're getting merry christmas 10 days before. >> but you're getting happy new year. you're getting happy new year. we don't need it. >> stephen: do you do resolutions? that lasts all year. it's never too late for that. >> that's interesting because -- >> stephen: it remains to be seen whether it's interesting. >> this is very interesting. this is interesting. >> stephen: okay. >> see, here's the thing-- i never used to do resolutions. a couple years ago, okay, i-- i did one. and it's worked, and it was pee before you leave. >> stephen: anywhere. >> anywhere, yeah. you know. ( applause ) don't be-- don't be ashamed to go to the bathroom.
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just say, "i have to go to the bathroom before i go." you know? people aren't going to look down on you for doing that. >> stephen: no. >> go to the bathroom. and then leave, you'll be so much happier than sitting in the car curgs yourself going, "i don't know why i didn't go to the bathroom. why didn't i go?" that's a good one. and that's lasted. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. >> notice, last year i had another one. >> stephen: sure. >> that's been very good. >> stephen: all right. >> and that was... make two trips. make two trips. you're coming home with groceries, okay. you've got to go in the house. don't pile up it all, you know,. >> stephen: okay. >> don't pile everything up and go in the house. >> stephen: yeah. >> and you'll drop stuff. you're dropping cantaloupe on the floor, you know. go in with one back baghdadi. you know, take half, go in the house, drop it off. then go back to the car. make two trips. >> stephen: sure. >> that's the idea. >> stephen: you threw me-- you threw mea little bit there-- ( applause ) >> yeah. >> stephen: they like it.
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you threw me slightly there when you said, "make two trips," i thought two trips to the bathroom? i was going to say, two trips, and then straight to the urologist. >> i can see how you were thrown by that. >> stephen: i was a little thrown by that. >> i can see, that yeah. >> stephen: do you go to a place that gives the paper bags, plastic bags or do you bring your own bags. >> who shops? are you nuts. >> stephen: i love shopping. >> do you bring your plastic bag. >> stephen: no the shopping bags for the grocery, the cloth bags so you don't-- i care about the environment. i don't know if you care about the environment? >> how dare you accuse me of not caring about the environment. >> stephen: i was asking if you care about the environment. i don't know in you care about the environment. >> i know there was an attitude they picked up on. >> stephen: i apologize. >> i thought i didn't care -- >> stephen: i apologize. i'm the host and you're the guest. i should treat you better than this. >> you see? i told you. >> stephen: my apologies. i'm sorry. >> yes. i'm not doing the show again. what do you think about that? i'm done here. >> stephen: we'll see. ( laughter )
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we'll see. >> wait, i have another resolution for this year. for this year. >> stephen: two for this year. >> i have two for this year. the first one is stop waving at the waiters to get their attention, okay. don't wave like this. you know, it's like my father. "hey, hey, come here, come here!" enough of that. >> stephen: how do you get their attention? >> i'm going to start nodding. i think it's better. eh. eh. eh. ( laughter ) you know. >> stephen: that looks exhausting! that looks exhausting. >> why, are you okay with waving? >> stephen: yes. >> i don't think they like it. >> stephen: really? >> i don't think they like it. >> stephen: were you ever a waiter? >> in camp. >> stephen: you went to a camp that had waiters? what kind of camp is this that had waiters. >> a camp-a-waiter?
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you never heard of a camp-a-waiter. >> stephen: no. >> are you serious. you paid to wait tables when you were 16. >> stephen: you paid money to wait-- >> when i was 16 and 17, i paid money eye know, it's insane! yeah. i paid money to wait. and you know what? >> stephen: did you pay the money or your parents paid the money? >> my parents, of course. but let me tell you something, okay-- i was so bad, the campers hated me so much, that they made >> stephen: what's a rover? >> you know i had a different table every day. >> stephen: oh! so you never established a rapport with your table. >> they kicked me out after the first week. >> stephen: you're a weak link. >> i-- they didn't like me for some reason. >> stephen: yeah. i was a waiter for five years. wave all you want. >> like, in a coffee shop? >> stephen: no. >> where? >> stephen: why did you think coffee shop? a nice italian restaurant. >> oh, really.
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>> stephen: why coffee shop? >> that's the first thing that came to my mind. i saw you in a coffee shop. >> stephen: okay, uh-huh, uh-huh. you, bus depot? bus depot. you paid people to bring them food in a bus depot. >> so you were a waiter in an italian restaurant. >> stephen: i was a good waiter in an italian restaurant. >> did you learn any italian. >> stephen: un poco. do you speak italian. >> were you self-conscious when you told them the special s. >> stephen: no, i was fine with that. we had the ( speaking italian. ). >> that was very good. very impressive. >> stephen: tell me about the new season. what's going on independent new >> i have one more resolution. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know what? i have one, too-- listen to your guests. don't talk.
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i apologize. >> you said i had two for this year, right? but then you didn't-- you didn't listen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i thought the groceries was one. i thought the groceries was this year. was the groceries this year? >> no, no. >> stephen: what was the gross snreez peeing was how long ago? i think about 15 minutes at this point. how long ago was peeing? >> that was a couple of years gloog and groceries was when? >> that was last year. >> stephen: and this year it's the waving and-- >> and -- >> stephen: and i hope this isn't putting too much weight on this one. >> i'm going to learn how to swipe because i'm not a good swipe wert card. >> stephen: oh, this thing. i thought you meant tindir or something like that. >> swiping. i'm a bad swierp. you're in a cab, you have to swipe sometimes. now you have to insert. >> stephen: the chip. >> yeah, the chip. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) i apologize for not letting you get that one out.
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( laughter ) that's on me, man. ( applause ) >> not -- >> stephen: that's on me. ( applause ) >> never been graded inserting. ( laughter ) i always need a little help. >> stephen: good, good, good. good to hear. good to hear, yeah. no reason to be embarrassed. >> no. >> stephen: pee before you go. >> sure, pee before-- come on, it's a good tip. don't poo-poo that tip. gli would never. i would never. >> all right, let's move on with ugis tremendous interview, yes. la )( erht immensely. >> i'm having a good time. >> stephen: i'm doing very little work here. >> i'm enjoying it. >> stephen: sure, good. i enjoy "curb your enthusiasm." i was going to do this later but we might as well get tow it now. the new season isingom 10. quite an achievement, 10 seasons of anything. >> thank you. >> stephen: and good, and
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good. and good. ( applause ) and good. >> how long have you been doing this? >> stephen: this? five? are we in season five? foyer and a half years, something like that. >> you'll be up to me before you know did. >> stephen: you remember i did your show? i did "curb" early on. >> of course, i remember. >> stephen: we actually have a clip of me on your show. >> john, i was-- >> you're constantly undermining every decision i made on this trip. >> circ you know what-- >> there's not a single thing i can do to please you since i got off the airplane. >> why don't you guys work this out, seriously. >> so no photo? so you're out, that's it? >> year, i'm out, i'm oit. >> okay, thanks! >> we just picked up our tickets. we're seeing you, the show. >> you're in the show tomorrow night? oh, i can't wait because you... will... fail! ♪ ♪ ( laughter )
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( applause ) >> stephen: thank you. what an honor. what an honor. >> yeah. >> stephen: we have to take a break. >> let's take a break. >> stephen: and we'll be right back with more larry david. >> i'm exhausted! >> stephen: stick around. (whistling) (whistling) your cold's gonna make you a zombie tomorrow. wrong. new mucinex nightshift fights my cold symptoms so i can sleep great and wake up human. don't eat me i taste terrible. fight your worst symptoms so you can sleep great and wake up human. new mucinex nightshift cold and flu. iced chai.ry.
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i want to make sure that you're-- ( gargling ). >> stephen: please. >> you always have to gargle. >> stephen: absolutely, exactly. so tell me about season 10 now. anything we need to know? we have a clip here. does this need to be contextualized or set up in any way? >> no, nothing needs soon set up. it speaks for itself. >> stephen: all right. >> i'm a fantastic dishwasher. did you know that? i can put my hands in boiling, scalding water, and i don't feel anything. i don't need gloves. >> let me see those hands. >> i'm really good. >> you've never washed a dish in your life. >> well, i haven't washed them in a while-- >> you watched somebody else wash and said, "i could be good at that. >> i know i'm a great dishwasher! >> you never washed. >> i'll tell you what i'll do i'll stick my ( bleep ) hands right now-- >> you don't have special hands. >> i do have special hands. >> do you not have special hands. >> they're very special. i'll stick them under any hoat water you can find.
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>> that's insane! ( applause ) >> stephen: no setup. no setup. i can see your hands. >> special hands. >> stephen: can i see your hands? can i see your hands. >> i have special-- i have special hands. i can stick the n'tnd nee ud t to wear gloves. >> stephen: here you are, america has grown to love you, again, as-- as bernie sanders. ( applause ) bernie sanders is my guest tomorrow night durks know that? >> i heard that. >> stephen: you played him at least a dozen times. >> this seems a little dangerous. you could spill it. >> stephen: i know what i'm doing. >> are you aware -- >> stephen: i'm not going to do anything. >> are you completely aware as you're talking. >> stephen: 100%. look at that. >> yeah, good. >> stephen: nothing. >> i'm slightly concerned. >> stephen: they don't give thu job unless you can do that. >> i think this is a very precarious position this cup.
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why is it not over here why do you have two chairs? do you have two people. >> stephen: last night, bobby cannavale, and his wife were on. they're doing "medea" at bam. >> that would be great. >> stephen: i sometimes do have two guests over there. do you ever go on tv shows with someone else? >> are you nuts. >> stephen: back in the day i thought you and-- seinfeld might have-- >> no. >> stephen: no? >> i think we have a very good rapport. yeah. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i'm-- again-- that sounds like you're trying to end the interview. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: that sounds like you're drawing a line going, "this has been good--" >> here's the thing. you wear glasses. you're not bald. i have a great rapport with bald men for sure. >> stephen: yeah. >> i do. i love bald men. and if you're not bald, wearing glass also is helpful, you know,. >> stephen: okay. >> but hair and no glasses, i'm not going to get along with well with you. >> stephen: is there anything you would like me
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so, like, get an answer from him that you might want to do an impression of later? >> i would say... i would beg him to drop out so i don't have to keep flying in from s angeles to do "s.n.l.." >> stephen: he's doing very well this year. he's tied in iowa. he raised $36 million. >> i thought when he had the heart attack that would be it, i wouldn't have to fly in from los angeles. he's indestructible. nothing stops this man. >> stephen: right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: have you met him? have you spent any time-- >> yes, i met him. if he wins, do you know what that will do to my life? do you have any idea? i mean, i-- ( applause ) ( cheers ) ♪ ♪ i mean, it will be-- it will be like-- it will be great for the country, great for the country. terrible for me. ( laughter ). >> stephen: yeah, yeah. what about you? you love new york, right? >> yeah! i do, but i don't want to keep flying in to do this.
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you know, bernie. i love new york, i'm very comfortable here. you know what? if i can't get a cab, people stop for it me. they do. like, i'll be on the street-- i'll be on the stroat trying to wave somebody down. a car will stop, "hey, larry! hey, larry! come owhere are you going?" >> stephen: honestly. >> honest to god, i've done it twice. i've gotten into strangers' cars twice. "larry, come on in here!" >> stephen: that seems off brand for you that you would get into a stranger's car. aren't you a germaphob? >> i was late and i didn't pee. you know. ( applause ) >> stephen: i was going to pick this up like it was a book. "curb your enthusiasm" returns january 19 on hbo. mr. larry david, everybody! we'll be right back.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks, next guest is a stand-up comedian originally from bogota, colombia. please welcome pedro gonzalez! ♪ ♪
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( applause ) >> thank you. i am the fifth pedro gonzalez in my family. but i am the first one who gets to speak into a microphone without plexiglass in front. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's a good thing! thank you. when i was born, my mom was 16, and my dad was 26. so i am my mom's firstborn, and my dad's first felony. ( laughter ) just kidding. just kidding. he'd been to jail before. ( laughter ) but it's a cute joke! ( laughter ) i have a hook nose. so when i was a child mierk mom would massage my nose every night for five minutes to make it straight. so, like, if you get really,
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really, really close to me and you look, you'll see i have a very little self-esteem. ( laughter ) ( applause ) when i was growing up in colombia, they did a colombian version of "who wants to be a millionaire?" but they forgot millions and pesos and dollars is very different. so the first contestant they ever had, won 300,000 million pesos. the next day they had to change the name of the game to, "who wants to get kidnapped right after the show?" ( applause ) just one episode. ( laughter ) i like music. i think music creates memories that you never forget, like the first time you did something. like, do you guys, for example, remember the exact song that was playing the moment when you lost your... niece at the mall?
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for me, it was feliz navidad. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i got a masters in literature when i was only 22. and i got a job teaching college. but because i was so immature, i made a mistake. i slept with one of my students. but it was a community college, and she was 47. so... ( laughter ) ( applause ) who took advantage of whom, really? ( laughter ) i think i was the victim. she didn't break the law, but she broke my heart. i... i have done online dating. a lot of people think online dating is weird, but to me online dating is just like looking for a job on the internet, you know? i send out 100 applications, and
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nobody replies because my name is pedro. and the firstngon't tnhi go on a democratic with you if you're below six feet. it's like, have you dating killer in the news last week-- six foot, super jacked. it's so dangerous to go out with a guy like that. i started using that to my advantage and posting my height and weight-- 5'8", 145 pounds, and too weak to strangle anyone. hashtag ttle spoon. ( applause ) thank you. thank you. ever since i moved to the united states, i've only dated white women. "wre racistk and latino friends you don't ligekead m us?" i said, "no, i'm so bland, you guys don't like me." white women are the only ones i
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can trick into thinking i have flavor. i'm like the which chipotle of. just cheddar, really. just cheddar. but i found someone. she had this beautiful apartment in midtown manhattan they moved into for the time we dated. the first time i moved it, i had to meet her father. hhe said, i'll be honest with you, i don't like hispanics because you come to this country and live off the government. i said, sir, i'll you have know i'm hispanic and i don't live off the government. i live off your daughter. so get out of my house! ( laughter ) ( applause ) last month, i was at the miami airport. i was trying to catch a connectiono go home, and i was g walkways and starting tapping people saying, please, let me through." i tapped this big guy and he didn't like it. he said, "i'm not going to move." i said, "it's crowded."
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he said, "it's croilded because of people like you, go back to your country." and i said, "that's what i'm trying to do, but you're block me." and he said, "i'll help you get up there." he picked up mymeeendede,uitcdaw goodbyale. keand that's why i love thi country. everyone is so nice! my name is pedro gonzalez. thank you so much! >> stephen: tour dates are posted on his website pedro gonzalez, everybody! we'll be right back.
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late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be senator bernie sanders and penn badgley. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,


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