tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS January 27, 2020 11:35pm-12:37am PST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> president trump and michael bloomberg both plan to spend $10 million each for commercials during the big game. ♪ ♪ >> hello? >> wazzzup! >> wazzup! >> wazzup! >> uh. >> wazzzup! >> wazzup! >> uh. >> wazzzup! >> wazzup! >> so long, thanks. the call was a perfect call. >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: world war free!
larry david. and comedian pedro gonzalez. hun.batie std anay and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert!( ch) >> stephen: woo! hello! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how are you? hello, everybody. please... have a seat. ladies and gentlemen, welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and i am so happy-- ( cheers and applause ) you know what? i can tell you're happy. i'm happy to be here tonight. i'm happy here is here tonight, because it was a little dicey the last 24 hours. because remember when trump
killed the top iranian general, was , "wnihi, s erd waevrd ybod yiii?" well, i'm happy to announce, it's not worldarii w! it's not! ( cheers and applause ) isn't that nice? we had to-- >> jon: not world war iii. >> stephen: i don't know if you can tell, but we made most of this graphic when we were a little more nervous. ( laughter ) but here's the thing. it's not world war iii, and that's wonderful. but it's not like nothing happened. last night, iran fired 22 missiles at two military bases in iraq where american troops are stationed. the attack happened at 5:30, and then at 9:45 p.m. eastern time, our commander in chief tweeted at a worried nation, "all is well! missiles launched from iran at two military bases located in iraq. assessment of casualties and damages taking place now. so far, so good!
we have the most powerful and well equipped military anywhere in the world, by far! i will be making a statement tomorrow morning." well, there it is. there it is. now you know. >> jon: that's what he's saying. right there. >> stephen: so important, so important. right there in black and white: reassurance from the commander in chief that there is absolutely nothing to-- ( sirens ) >> all is well! all is well! >> stephen: oh, no! oh, no, it's "the late show's all is well" alarm! jon, quick! get the happiness football! quick! all right, do you have your key, jon? do you have your key? >> jon: yes, yes! >> stephen: insert your key. insert your key, okay, and on my mark... ..3. onooarm stops )good j man! >> stephen: thank you, jon, good work. ( plap se) it's okay. we've achieved "defcon fine."
( laughter ) now... you'll remember, after the soleimani strike, trump tweeted a low-res image of an american flag. and i guess to drive home the point that this was retaliation for what trump did, an iranian official tweeted this: ah-ha! they're fighting with clip art now... it's meme-- it's meme warfare. trump will have no choice but to hit back with, "ehrmagerd, we're at wehr!" ( laughter ) then... >> jon: ♪ ehrmagerd >> stephen: then-- nope! nope! nope! don't spoil me. ( cheers and applause ) then, as promised, this morning, trump emerged to address a worried world from what looked like a live nuclear reactor. ( lahter) >> jon: oh my goodness. >> stephen: the president started his statement with a weirdly abrupt greeting. >> as long as i am president of
the united states, iran will never be allowed to have a nuclear weapon. good morning. ( laughter ) >> stephen: that's strange. that's a very strange hello. "as long as i'm your dentist, your fillings will never be composed of mashed-up, other people's teeth. hello, i'm dr. ditworth." >> jon: oh, my gosh. >> stephen: trump was quick to claim victory. >> iran appears to be standing down, which is a good thing for all parties concerned, and a very good thing for the world. >> stephen: ( as trump ) "iran appears to be standing down. and thanks to an elaborate system of ropes, pulleys, and mirrors, i appear to be standing up. ( laughter ) pretty good. ( applause ) old reference. old reference.
of course, it wouldn't be a trump speech without some miss- speeching. >> the civilized world must send a clear and unified message to the iranian regime: your campaign of terror, murder, mayhem will not be tahla-rided any longer. america's achieved energy independence. these historic accomplaments... shades our strategic priorities. >> stephen: rest easy, america. that is the man deciding who ligs and who dibes. ( laughter ) so, bottom line-- and it's a very nice bottom line-- we're not at war. we're so not at war, that there's big news about the british royal family. brace yourself, ladies and gentlemen: prince harry and meghan markle, the duke and duchess of sussex, have released a statement saying, "we intend to step back as 'senior' members of the royal family." that's right, harry and meghan are stepping down as senior members of the royal family.
do you have any idea what that means? because i have no idea what that means. i have-- there are senior levels of royal? >> jon: they have levels to this, man. >> stephen: i thought it just went like, king, queen, prince and princess, jack of spades, boy wizard, dukes of hazzard, and then cartoon mouse that sews cinderella's dress. ( laughter ) according to the couple's statement, they're withdrawing from some of their official duties and now plan to balance their time between the united kingdom and north america. i say, "welcome, meghan and harry. on behalf of all former rebels against the british crown, you're going to love declaring independence. it comes with free speech and unlimited breadsticks." now-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: how 'bout that? >> stephen: what's not to like? >> jon: you've got to love it. >> stephen: decrowning
themselves will bring some big life changes, because it will allow harry and meghan to work for money, something they currently can't do. this is great. she's an actress. this means meghan markle can go back to "suits!" and harry can sell them at men's wearhouse! ( laughter ) this came-- this came as-- i'd buy a suit from him, sure! this came as a shock to everyone. one bbc journalist reports, "no other member of the royal family was consulted before harry and meghan issued their personal statement tonight. the palace is understood to be 'disappointed'." oh, disappointed. translation: that means her majesty is queen eliza-pissed! with any luck, with any luck, harry and megan will be back across the pond here in time to vote in the 2020 election. and the democrats-- ( cheers and applause ) the democrats still have a ton of choices out there. but last-- hello. still don't know who that is.
i still don't know who that is. last week, they went down to a ton minus one, because former housing and urban development secretary julian castro an was ending his campaign.hed so it unis time to say goodbye o secretary castro. okay. wait a second! is that his twin, joaquin castro? you guys can't "parent trap" us! get out of here! of course, as some folks leave the race, others jump right in. the most recent to join was former new york mayor and man with monogrammed seatbelt bowtie, in case his neck is in an accident, michael bloomberg.e heard of him, because bloomberg has spent a staggering $100 million on campaign ads in one month. he's hoping he can get elected just by being recognized from tv ads, which is why the frontrunner for his v.p. slot is the mucinex mucus blob.
( laughter ) >> jon: mmm. mmm. >> stephen: he just announced his biggest ad buy of all. bloomberg's campaign has purchased a 60-second ad during next month's super bowl. we don't know what the commercial is going to look like yet. so far, all we know is that, "the biggest point is getting under trump's skin." good luck. ( cheers and applause ) sure. nice goal. ( applause ) a nice goal, but that stuff is tougher than the rind on a butternut squash. but just hours after bloomberg's campaign announced their ad buy, trump announced he was also dropping $10 million on a super bowl ad. well, i have something to say to politicians of all parties: get out of my super bowl commercials! i don't want to see politicians. ( cheers and applause ) that's not what the day is for. i don't want to see candidates
for political office. i only want to see friendships between horses and puppies. ( cheers ) and inter-racial couples enjoying cereal. i want to cry because of a truck! the man loves that truck so much, and he's in the truck with another man who loves the truck. and the other man is his father. and they both... and they both love the truck so much. ( laughter ) ( laughter ) >> audience: awww! >> stephen: i love you, truck. >> audience member: it's okay! >> stephen: in other democrat news, last night, elizabeth warren held a big rally in brooklyn, and from the looks of it, she had a great time. check out her moves: ♪ just a little bit hey, baby ♪ just a little bit just a little bit ♪ respect just a little bit ♪ >> stephen: wow, she is really rocking a "every chaperone at the eighth grade dance" vibe. ( laughter ) ♪ ♪
warren-- warren was also featured in "vogue" recently, where they asked about her signature look: black pants, black shirt, and solid-colored sweaters and blazers. or, as "vogue" for some reason put it, "warren's closets, kept in spectral order, look like mr. rogers's stretched across a color wheel." sounds like an odd metaphor, but-- spoiler alert-- it's actually the shocking ending of "a beautiful day in the neighborhood." ( laughter ) we also-- >> jon: whoa, now. >> stephen: it's king friday. that's king friday's dungeon. the idea is-- ♪ ♪ thank you! we also got the fourth-quarter fundraising numbers this week, and they're good for the democratic party, because in 2019, if you combine all of them, democratic candidates doubled trump's numbers. so clearly-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah, put them together! he just put them together. clearly, in 2020, trump stands
no chance against democrazoid! ( laughter ) much of that fundraising came from mr. bernie sanders, who, in the fourth quarter alone, raised $34.5 million. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, that's some long ducats, man. and bernie has plans to use it. while other democratic candidates are stuck in d.c. for the senate's impeachment trial, bernie plans on attending rallies after hours by hopping on private jets. now, as someone who has flown on a private jet, let me assure you, those things will knock the socialism right out of you. ( laughter ) ( as bernie ) "equality for all! for too long, the billionaire class has... wait, we get to drive up straight to the plane, and i can keep my shoes on? the bottom 99% can redistribute 100% of their lips to my butt! i am balling out on the g6! shake it up, ladies, i got a lot of money! i'm raining honey roast peanuts back here." we've got a great show for you
tonight. larry david is here. when we return, facebook promises to interfere in our next election. stick around! (worried) i'm not picking it up. you pick it up! i'm not picking it up! i'll pick it up! they're clean! (raps) 'cuz my hiney's clean. oh yeah i'm charmin clean. enjoy the go with charmin. with the world's first invisible trailer. invisible trailer? and it's not the trailer right next to us? this guy? you don't believe me? hop in. good lookin' pickup, i will say that. oh wow. silverado offers an optional technology package with up to 15 different views - including one enhanced view that makes your trailer appear invisible.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) hi there. jon, what a lovely night. what a lovely night. beautiful evening in here. and one of the things that's going to make it beautiful tonight is our guest tonight is the wonderful, the talented mr. larry david is going to be out here in a minute. ( cheers and applause ) larry david over there. >> jon: some fire on the byre. woo!
>> stephen: and serendipitously, tomorrow, our guest is bernie sanders. >> jon: oh, yeah, bernie sanders is going to be in here. >> stephen: so tomorrow night, when you're watching bernie sanders, don't think it's a rerun of larry david. >> jon: oh, no, no, yeah. it's confusing. >> stephen: it's not. a lot of people make that mistake. >> jon: it's very confusing. >> stephen: now, we all know what a huge impact facebook had on trump getting elected in 2016. and the dangers of facebook's power have just been addressed ap a newly released internalme r ey cebook fractions, andrew bosworth. acknowledged that facebook had been "late to address the issues of data security, misinformation, and foreign interference." you're not late if you've never started. you just announced that facebook won't stop running political ads and won't stop candidates from lying in them. that's why we're still seeing
ads for bernie sanders' "one weird trick to lose belly fat." ( laughter and applause ) he looks good. he looks good. >> jon: mmm! cut. >> stephen: now, despite facebook doing jack-all about being a tool to help trump, and bosworth saying he wants trump to lose, bosworth doesn't want to do anything rash, such as anything, writing, "facebook has a moral duty not to tilt the scales against trump as he seeks re-election." adding, he "found himself wanting to use the social network's powerful platform against trump," but that when he feels tempted to do so, "i find myself thinking of 'the lord of the rings' at this moment. specifically, when frodo offers the ring to galadrial, and she imagines using the power righteously at first, but knows it will eventually corrupt her." okay. ( laughter ) look... i get what you're trying to say here. you don't want to use evil to defeat evil, but... galadri- "al"?
come on, man! it's galadri- el, lady of the woods, lady of lorien, lothlórien, laurenindorinan, the valley of the singing gold, the bearer of nenya, one of the three elven rings of power. galadriel. galadri- "al" sounds like the elf that runs the radiator repair shop in rivendell: "no way i can get it to you before tuesday. sorry about that." now, before we go on, and by "we," i mean me. i want you to know, and remind you that you brought this fight to me, okay, duckworth? you're on my turf, defending the president of the united states, a man we can best describe as morgoth's left nard. oh, you don't know who morgoth is? perhaps you know him by his valar name, melkor? brother of manwe. no? then buckle up, mellon, because i'm about to school the shire out of you. facebook-- facebook-- ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) no!s anow
by theorces of boface evil to corrupt the minds and hearts of men, so it's less like the one ring and more like the nine rings that turned the fallen kings into the nazgul before binding their fate to that of the dark lord sauron. oh, and also, unlike you, galadriel doesn't collect a weekly paycheck from the ring. now... ( laughter ) go back to the shadow, because your excuses shall not pass! ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back with larry david. ♪ we're all just dreamin'
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when you add comcast business securityedge. call today. comcast business. beyond fast. about finding good food ind have school.y so, when my wife kat and i learned california public school children couldn't get fresh produce in the cafeteria, we took action. we partnered with local farmers, school kitchens, a non-profit. that program now serves over 300 million healthy meals every year. the difference between words and actions matters. that's a lesson washington dc could use, right now. i'm tom steyer and i approve this message. ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an actor, writer, producer, and comedian. he is the creator and star of
"curb your enthusiasm," which is returning for its 10th season. please welcome larry david! ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> all right, that's enough. that's enough. stop it. this is very nice. >> stephen: it is nice, isn't it? >> this is very, very comfortable. >> stephen: thank you! >> yeah! >> stephen: we want people to want to stay. >> yeah, and it's facing-- it's facing forward, you know. >> stephen: what do you mean? >> well, a lot of-- they used to be diagonal couches, right. >> stephen: sure, sure, sure. i'm willing to turn and face you. i don't make you turn and face me. >> very good. very-- that's the way it should be. >> stephen: thank you. thank you. ( laughter ) i'm the host, you're my guest. of course i would treat you better than i'm treating me. >> yeah, well... ( laughter ) that remains to be seen, but...
>> stephen: okay, it's early. >> it's early, yeah. >> stephen: happy new year, by the way. >> eh, come on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what do you mean? you don't want a happy new year? what are you talking? >> it's a little late, isn't it? are you kidding? >> stephen: it's january 8. that's too late? >> that's enough. that's enough. that's enough. >> stephen: what is the cutoff? >> because you're getting it 10 days before, okay? >> stephen: no, you're getting merry christmas 10 days before. >> no, but you're also getting happy new years. you're getting happy new years. we don't need it. we don't need it. >> stephen: okay, then do you do resolutions? because those last all year. that's never too late for that, right? >> that's interesting because-- >> stephen: we'll see. it remains to be seen whether it's interesting. >> no, this is very interesting. this is interesting. >> stephen: okay! >> see, here's the thing-- i never used to do resolutions. a couple years ago, okay? i-- i did one. and it's worked, and it was "pee before you leave." ( laughter ) >> stephen: anywhere? >> anywhere, yeah. you know. ( cheers and applause ) don't be-- don't be ashamed to go to the bathroom. s, e to the
bathroom before i go." you know? >> stephen: sure. >> people aren't going to look down on you for doing that. >> stephen: no. >> go, go to the bathroom. and then leave, you'll be so much happier than sitting in the car, cursing yourself, going, "well, i don't know why i didn't go to the bathroom. why didn't i go?" so that was a good one. and that's lasted. that's lasted. >> stephen: really? >> yes. >> stephen: okay. >> now, last year, i had another one. >> stephen: sure. >> that's been very good. >> stephen: all right. >> and that was... make two trips. make two trips. you're coming home with groceries, okay? you've got to go in the house. don't pile up it all, you know. >> stephen: okay. >> don't pile everything up and go in the house. >> stephen: yeah. >> and you'll drop stuff. you're dropping cantaloupe on the floor, you know. go in with one bag. you know? take half. go in the house, drop it off. then go back to the car. make two trips. >> stephen: sure. >> that's the idea. >> stephen: you threw me-- you threw me a little bit there. ( cheers and applause ) >> you see, they like that,
yeah, yeah. >> stephen: they like it. you threw me slightly there. when you said, "make two trips," i thought two trips to the bathroom? i was going to say, two trips, and then straight to the urologist. >> i can see how you were thrown by that. >> stephen: i was a little thrown by that. >> i can see that, yeah. >> stephen: now, do you go to a place that gives the paper bags, plastic bags, or do you bring your own bags? >> who shops? what are you, nuts? ( laughter ) >> stephen: i love shopping. >> you bring your plastic bag? >> stephen: no, my own, like-- >> oh, the shopping bags. >> stephen: the shopping bags for the groceries, you know, like, you know, like, the cloth bags so you don't destroy the envir-- i care about the environment. i don't know if you care about the environment? ( cheers ) >> how dare you accuse me of not caring about the environment? >> stephen: i was asking if you care about the environment. i don't know if you care about the environment. >> no, i know, there was an attitude that i picked up on. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i apologize. >> you thought i didn't care about the environment. >> stephen: i apologize. >> i do! >> stephen: i'm the host and you're the guest, and i should treat you better than this. >> you see e? i told you. >> stephen: i apologize. i'm sorry. >> yes. i'm not doing the show again. what do you think about that? i'm done here. >> stephen: we'll see.
( laughter ) we'll see. >> oh, wait, i've got another resolution, for this year. for this year. >> stephen: two for this year. >> i've got two for this year. the first one is-- stop waving at the waiters to get their attention, okay? don't wave like this. you know? it's like my father. "hey, hey, come here, come here!" enough of that, you know? >> stephen: how do you get their attention? >> i'm going to start nodding. i think it's better. eh. eh. eh. ( laughter ) you know. >> stephen: that looks exhausting! that looks exhausting. >> what, are you okay with waving? >> stephen: yes. >> i don't think they like it. >> stephen: they don't, really? >> i don't think they like it. >> stephen: were you ever a waiter? >> in camp. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you went to a camp that had waiters? what kind of camp is this that had waiters? >> a-camp-a-waiter, moron! a-camp-a-waiter! you never heard of a-camp-a- waiter?
>> stephen: no. >> are you serious? you paid to wait tables, when you were 16, yes. >> stephen: you paid money to wait-- >> yes, when i was 16 and 17, i paid money, i know, it's insane! yeah. i paid money to wait. and you know what? >> stephen: did you pay the money, or your parents paid the money? >> well, my parents, of course. but let me tell you something, okay? i was so bad, that the campers hated me so much, that they made me a rover. >> stephen: what's a rover? >> you know, i had a different table every day. >> stephen: oh! >> yeah. >> stephen: so you never established a rapport with your table. >> they kicked me out after the first week. >> stephen: you're a weak link. >> i-- they didn't like me, for some reason. >> stephen: yeah. i was a waiter for five years. wave all you want. >> oh, in, like, a coffee shop? >> stephen: no! >> where? >> stephen: why did you think coffee shop? a nice italian restaurant. >> oh, really. >> stephen: why a coffee shop? >> eh, that's the first thing that came to my mind.
i saw you in a coffee shop. >> stephen: okay, okay, uh-huh, uh-huh. >> let me ask you this-- >> stephen: you, bus depot? bus depot? ( laughter ) you paid people to bring them food in a bus depot. >> so you were a waiter in an italian restaurant. >> stephen: yeah, i was a good waiter in an italian restaurant. did you wave-- >> did you speak italian? did you learn any italian? >> stephen: un poco. do you speak italian? >> were you a little self- conscious when you were telling them the specials? because you had to pronounce it in italian and you knew it was going to sound stupid? ( laughter ) >> stephen: no, no, i was fine with that. we have the ( speaking italian ) >> oh my god! that was very good. very impressive. >> stephen: tell me about the new season. what's going on in the new season? of "curb." your tv show. >> i have one more resolution. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know what? i have one, too-- listen to your guests. don't talk. i apologize.
>> you said i had two for this year, right? but then you didn't-- you didn't listen. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i thought the groceries was one. i thought the groceries was this year. was the groceries this year? >> no, no. >> stephen: what was the groceries? peeing was how long ago? i think about 15 minutes at this point. how long ago was peeing? how many years ago was peeing? >> that was a couple of years ago. >> stephen: and groceries was when? >> that was last year. >> stephen: oh, and this year it's the waving, and-- >> and... >> stephen: and i hope this isn't putting too much weight on this next one. >> i'm going to learn how to swipe. because i'm not a good swiper, with the card. >> stephen: oh, like, this thing? >> yeah, that thing. >> stephen: i thought you meant tinder or something like that. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: this thing. >> swiping. i'm a bad swiper. you know, you're in a cab, you've got to swipe sometimes. now you have to insert. >> stephen: the chip. >> yeah, the chip. >> stephen: yeah. ( laughter ) i apologize for not letting you get that one out.
( laughter ) that's on me, man. ( applause ) >> not-- >> stephen: that's on me. ( applause ) >> never been great at inserting. ( laughter ) i always need a little help. >> stephen: good, good, good. good to hear. good to hear, yeah. no reason to be embarrassed. >> no. >> stephen: yeah. pee before you go. >> sure, pee before-- come on, it's a good tip. don't poo-poo that tip. >> stephen: i would never. i would neve >> all right, let's move on with this tremendous interview, yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm enjoying it immensely. >> i'm having a good time. >> stephen: i'm doing very little work here. >> i'm enjoying it. >> stephen: sure, good. i enjoy "curb your enthusiasm." i was going to do this later but we might as well get to it now. the new season is coming up, season 10, right? >> a week from sunday. >> stephen: quite an achievement, 10 seasons of anything. >> yes, thank you.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's amazing. and good, and good. and good. and good. >> how long have you been doing this? >> stephen: this? five? are we in season five? four and a half years, something like that. >> you'll be up to me before you know it. >> stephen: sure. i actually-- do you remember i did your show? do you remember, i did "curb," early on? i did "curb" early on. >> of course, i remember. >> stephen: we actually have a clip of me on your show. >> oh, i want to see this. >> stephen: jim? >> john, i was-- >> you're constantly undermining every decision i've made on this trip. >> i didn't say anything! i just-- >> sir, sir. >> there's not a single thing i can do to please you since we got off the damn airplane! >> why don't you guys work this out, okay? seriously. >> oh, so, no photo? so you're out, that's it? >> oh my god! >> yeah, i'm out, i'm out. >> okay, thanks! >> excuse me, is that you? that's the actor in the show. we just picked up our tickets. we're seeing you, the show. tomorrow night. >> oh, you're in the show tomorrow night? great! oh, i can't wait! because you... will... fail! ♪ ♪
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you. what an honor. what an honor. >> yeah. >> stephen: we have to take a break. >> let's take a break. >> stephen: and we'll be right back with more larry david. >> i'm exhausted! take a break! >> stephen: stick around. i'm your mother in law. and i like to question your every move. like this left turn. it's the next one. you always drive this slow? how did you make someone i love? that must be why you're always so late. i do not speed. and that's saving me cash with drivewise. my son, he did say that you were the safe option. and that's the nicest thing you ever said to me. so get allstate. stop bossing. where good drivers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me. this is my son's favorite color, you should try it. [mayhem] you always drive like an old lady? [tina] you're an old lady. that's a reason to switch to jackson hewitt. our tax returns come with a free lifetime accuracy guarantee. life may change. acrac. tax prep guaranteed at jackson hewitt.
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you shouldn't have to pretend you're fine. you shouldn't have to be the ambulance. you shouldn't have to be thinking about the cost. you should just be focused on her. covered california can help you find a health plan that fits your needs and budget. because we believe you shouldn't have to choose between the life you've built and the care you need. >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with larry david. larry, please hydrate. >> yup. >> stephen: i'll-- i will-- i
will wait. i want to make sure that you're- - >> ( gargling ) >> stephen: please. >> you always got to gargle. >> stephen: absolutely, exactly. so tell me about season 10 now. anything we need to know? we have a clip here. does this need to be contextualized or set up in any way? >> no, nothing needs to be set up. it speaks for itself. >> stephen: all right. >> i'm a fantastic dishwasher. did you know that? i can put my hands in boiling, scalding water, and i don't feel anything. i don't need gloves. >> let me see those hands. >> i'm really good. >> you've never washed a dish in your life. >> well, i haven't washed them in a while-- >> you've watched somebody else wash and went, "i could be good at that. >> i know i'm a great dishwasher! >> you never washed. >> don't tell me i haven't washed-- >> never washed! >> i'll tell you what i'll do i'll stick my ( bleep ) hands right now-- >> you don't have special hands. >> i do have special hands. >> do you not have special hands. >> i do! they're very special. i'll stick them under any hot water you can find, okay! >> that's insane!
( applause ) >> stephen: no setup. no setup. >> special hands. >> stephen: can i see your hands? can i see your hands. >> i have special-- i have special hands. i can stick them under the hottest water you can find. i don't need to wear gloves. >> stephen: here you are, america has grown to love you, again, as-- as bernie sanders. ( applause ) bernie sanders is my guest tomorrow night did you know that? >> i heard backstage. >> stephen: he's my guest tomorrow night. you played him at least a dozen times. >> this seems a little dangerous. you could spill it. >> stephen: i know what i'm doing. >> are you aware -- >> stephen: i'm not going to do anything. >> are you completely aware as you're talking? >> stephen: oh 100%. look at that. >> yeah, good. >> stephen: nothing. >> i'm slightly concerned. >> stephen: they don't give you this job unless you can do that. >> i think this is in a very precarious position this cup. why isn't it over here? >> because there's no table, there's no-- >> why do you have two chairs here anyway?
do you ever have two people here? >> stephen: we do. last night-- thanks for watching the show--last night bobby cannavale and rose byrne were on last night. husband and wife, lovely talen. they're doing "medea" at bam. let's talk about that for a while. >> oh, that would be great. yeah, let's talk about that. >> stephen: i sometimes do have two guests over there. do you ever go on tv shows with someone else? >> are you nuts? no, why would i do that? >> stephen: back in the day i thought maybe you and-- seinfeld might have-- >> no. >> stephen: no? >> i think we have a very good rapport. yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm-- again-- that sounds like you're trying to end the interview. >> no, no, no. >> stephen: that sounds like you're drawing a line going, "this has been good--" >> here's the thing. you wear glasses. you're not bald. i have a great rapport with bald men for sure. >> stephen: yeah. >> i do. i love bald men. and if you're not bald, wearing glass also is helpful, you know. >> stephen: okay. >> but hair and no glasses, i'm not going to get along that well with you. >> stephen: is there anything
you would like me to ask bernie tomorrow night? so, like, get an answer from him that you might want to do an impression of later? >> i would say... i would beg him to drop out so i don't have to keep flying in from los angeles to do "s.n.l." ( laughter ) >> stephen: right, because he's doing very well this year. he's tied in iowa. he raised $36 million. >> i thought when he had the heart attack that was going to be it, i wouldn't have to fly in from los angeles. but he's indestructible. nothing stops this man. ( laughter ) >> stephen: right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: have you met him? have you spent any time-- >> yes, i met him. if he wins, do you know what that's going to do to my life? i mean, do you have any idea? i mean, i-- ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ i mean, it will be-- it will be like-- it will be great for the country, great for the country. terrible for me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, yeah. what about you? you love new york, right? >> yeah! i do, but i don't want to keep flying in to do this.
you know, bernie. i love new york, i'm very comfortable here. you know what? if i can't get a cab, people stop for me. they do. like, i'll be on the street-- i'll be on the street trying to wave somebody down. a car will stop, "hey, larry! hey, larry! come on, where are you going?" >> stephen: honestly? >> honest to god, i've done it twice. i've gotten into strangers' cars twice. "larry, come on in here!" >> stephen: that seems off brand for you that you would get into a stranger's car. aren't you a bit of a germaphobe? >> i was late and i didn't pee. you know. ( applause ) >> stephen: i was going to pick this up like it was a book. "curb your enthusiasm" returns january 19 on hbo. mr. larry david, everybody! we'll be right back. oh, hi, samantha. you look more like a heather. do you ever get that? it's nice to finally meet you in person. you're pete nocchio?
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america's getting sicker. sick of donald trump, there are one million more uninsured americans every year under trump. and he's repeatedly tried to repeal obamacare. mike bloomberg will make sure everyone without health coverage can get it, and everyone who likes theirs, keep it. while capping fees to lower costs. as mayor, he helped expand coverage to seven hundred thousand more people. and championed women's reproductive health. as president, he'll give access to everyone. i'm mike bloomberg and i approve this message. >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks, my next guest is a stand- up comedian originally from bogota, colombia. please welcome pedro gonzalez! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause )
>> thank you. i am the fifth pedro gonzalez in my family. but i am the first one who gets to speak into a microphone without plexiglass in front. ( laughter ) ( applause ) that's a good thing! thank you. when i was born, my mom was 16, and my dad was 26. so i am my mom's firstborn, and my dad's first felony. ( laughter ) just kidding. just kidding. he'd been to jail before. ( laughter ) but it's a cute joke! ( laughter ) i have a hook nose. so when i was a child, my mom would massage my nose every night for five minutes to make it straight.
so, like, if you get really, really, really close to me and you look, you'll see i have a very little self-esteem. ( laughter ) ( applause ) when i was growing up in colombia, they did a colombian version of "who wants to be a millionaire?" but they forgot millions in pesos and dollars is very different. so the first contestant they ever had, won 300,000 million pesos. so, the next day they had to change the name of the game to, "who wants to get kidnapped right after the show?" ( applause ) just one sad episode. ( laughter ) i like music. i think music creates memories that you never forget, like the first time you did something. like, do you guys, for example, remember the exact song that was playing the moment when you lost
your... niece at the mall? for me, it was feliz navidad. ( laughter ) i got a masters in literature when i was only 22. and i got a job teaching college. but because i was so immature, i made a mistake. i slept with one of my students. but it was a community college, and she was 47. so... ( laughter ) ( applause ) who took advantage of whom, really? ( laughter ) i think i was the victim. she didn't break the law, but she broke my heart. ( laughter ) i... i have done online dating. a lot of people think online dating is weird, but to me online dating is just like looking for a job on the internet, you know? i send out 100 applications, and
nobody replies because my name is pedro. and the first thing that women post online is they won't even go on a date with you if you're below six feet. and it's like, have you ladies not read about the online dating killer that was in the news last week-- six foot, super jacked. it's so dangerous to go out with a guy like that. i started using that to my advantage and posting my height and weight-- 5'8", 145 pounds, and too weak to strangle anyone. ( laughter ) #littlespoon. ( applause ) thank you. thank you. ever since i moved to the united states, i've only dated white women. and my black and latino friends get mad. "what are you racist? you don't like us?" i'm just like, "no, i'm so bland, you guys don't like me." white women are the only ones i can trick into believing that i have flavor.
( laughter ) i'm like the chipotle of dating. black and latina women are like, "you're not authentic," and white women are like, "oh, queso!" just cheddar, really. just cheddar. but i found someone. she had this beautiful apartment in midtown manhattan that i moved into for the time we dated. the first time i moved in, i had to meet her father. he turned out to be an old, wealthy dude. he said, i'll be honest with you, i don't like hispanics because you come to this country and live off the government. i said, "sir, i'll have you know i'm hispanic and i don't live off the government. i live off your daughter. so get out of my house!" ( laughter ) ( applause ) last month, i was at the miami airport. i was trying to catch a connection to go home, and i was late. so i got into one of the moving walkways and i starting tapping people saying, please, let me through." i tapped this big guy and he didn't like it and he turned around and said, "i'm not going to move." i said, "it's crowded." he said, "it's crowded because of people like you, go back to
your country." and i said, "that's what i'm trying to do, but you're blocking me." and he said, "i'll help you get up there." he picked up my suitcase, walked me to the gate and waved goodbye and that's why i love this country. because everyone is so nice! my name is pedro gonzalez. thank you so much! >> stephen: tour dates are posted on his website pedrogonzalezcomedy.com. pedro gonzalez, everybody! we'll be right back.