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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  January 29, 2020 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> thanks for watching captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: hey, steve! >> hey, stephen. >> stephen: so what are you doing? >> ah, just cleaning up the old banjo for the show. it improves the tone. >> stephen: i would not have thought that. >> oh, yeah, yeah. it's an old professional secret. >> stephen: oh, wow. >> it's really been good. >> stephen: anyway-- oh, i didn't know you played the guitar, too. >> i don't. this is our guitarist's guitar. he's going to be really surprised. >> stephen: okay, yeah. >> yeah. >> stephen: do you do this a lot with instruments? >> i do. you know, i was at a concert hall recently, and they had this beautiful grand piano. and i realized, this thing hasn't been washed in about three years. and so i gave it a good hose-down. >> stephen: did it sound better? >> ah, don't know, because i was asked to leave. but anyway-- >> stephen: anyway, have a great show. >> but you know who else loved it is when i washed yo yo ma's
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cello, and he was so grateful. >> stephen: you washed his stradivarius. >> oh, a stradivarius. so, it's, like, 300 years old, so really dirty. so no wonder he was so grateful. he looked at me with tears of joy. it was so nice. ( laughter ) ( playing off key ) >> stephen: anyway, great to see you. break a leg tonight. >> hey, stephen, stephen. >> stephen: yeah. >> want me to give those glasses a good cleaning for the show? >> stephen: uh-- >> it helps. >> stephen: sure. yeah, sure. >> no, you can leave them on, that's fine. yeah, there you go. splash it up good. there you go. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: at dershowitz's end! plus, stephen welcomes steve martin and musical guest steve martin and the steep canyon rangers! featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: come on! ( cheers and applause )
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wooo! hello, citizens. hello, citizens. fantastic! fantastic! that's nice. you don't get to do that every day. ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, friends and neighbors, welcome to "the late show." i'm your host, stephen colbert. and we are coming-- ( cheers and applause ) yeah. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: you can feel a lot of energy in the country right now because we are coming to what might be the end of donald trump's impeachment trial. republicans are trying to wrap it all up in time to not learn anything. ( laughter ) it's all explained in the new film: "i don't want to know what you did last summer." we're going to find out. we're going to find out. now-- coming to get you! ( cheers and applause ) now, we learned a lot.
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there have been a lot of arguments today. i'll tell you all about it in tonight's "don and the giant impeach." >> oh, no! oh, my goodness. four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. ( bell rings ) >> stephen: today, we began a new phase of the trial, where senators can ask questions of the two sides. lawyers, sort of. because under the trial rules, senators are to submit written queries to be read aloud by chief justice john roberts. so it's kind of like sex ed, where they let students submit uncomfortable questions anonymously. ( as roberts ) "let's see here, the distinguished gentleman from indiana inquires... 'can you get pregnant from hand stuff'?" you can't, you can't. everything is fine. the star of today's trial was trump's lawyer and aging underwear model, alan dershowitz. >> audience: booooo!
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>> stephen: enjoy retirement. he was ready to go the moment he arrived at the senate building, proudly holding up a bag of utz sour cream and onion chips. which i personally think they should use as a new ad campaign: "defending this president? that is utz'd up." ( cheers and applause ) love it. >> i could go for a little utz. >> jon: barbecue flavor. >> stephen: when questions began, dershowitz launched into a freudian defense. >> every public official that i know believes that his election is in the public interest. every president believes that. that is why it's so dangerous to try to psychoanalyze a president, to try to get into the intricacies of the human mind! >> stephen: yes, trump's mind is so intricate, so hard to
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penetrate. he's full of complex ideas, like... ( as trump ) "sharks bad. boobs good. where's food?" now, dershowitz previously gave us the crazy theory, "quid pro quo isn't impeachable." today, he rolled out his sequel: it might be good! >> every public official that i know believes that his election is in the public interest. and, mostly, you are right. your election is in the public interest. and if a president does something which he believes will help him get elected in the public interest, that cannot be the kind of quid pro quo that results in impeachment! ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: so let me get this straight: he's saying that if a politician believes their reelection is in the public interest-- and he just said all
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follows that anything they do to get reelected is fine. that seems like a crazy, corrupt argument. i mean, no one has ever argued that that quid pro quo isn't illegal. >> when the president does it, that means it is not illegal. >> stephen: i stand corrected ( laughter ) i stand corrected ( applause ) >> jon: whoa, whoa! >> stephen: by yet another dick. ( laughter ) ( applause ) now, sifting through the logical turd dershowitz just pinched out in the senate well there, it's hard to find the largest corn kernel of logical fallacy. ( laughter ) but i think it's this-- his justification for why any quid pro quo with a foreign government to manipulate our elections would be fine. why is that again, alan? >> your election is in the public interest. >> stephen: no, it's not. only the public gets to decide what's in the public interest, not the politician.
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( cheers and applause ) it's-- it's "we the people" not you the douche bag. that's why on election day, you don't see a politician wearing a sticker that says, "you voted. trust me." of course, esteemed counselor tighty whitey does think some quid quo pro might be possibly bad. >> it would be a much harder case if a hypothetical president of the united states said to a hypothetical leader of a foreign country, "unless you build a hotel with my name on it and unless you give me a million-dollar kickback, i will withhold the funds." >> stephen: (as trump) "slow down, dersh. these are great ideas. eric, start taking notes. what was that again? what was that again?"
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he continued with his blueprint for a banana republic: >> a complex middle case is. "i want to be elected because i think i'm a great president. i think i'm the greatest president there ever was, and if i'm not elected, the national interest will suffer greatly." that cannot be an impeachable offense. >> stephen: "that can't be an impeachable offense"? you can do anything if you believe in yourself? ( laughter ) what sort of inspirational posters are hanging in dershowitz's office? "confidence: when you believe you can fly, you're always above the law." ( cheers and applause ) so-- so-- >> jon: ooooh! >> stephen: so what would make a quid quo pro illegal, alan dershowitz? >> the only thing that would make a quid pro quo unlawful is if the quo were, in some way, illegal. >> stephen: so the only way it would be illegal is if it's illegal. ( laughter ) your logic is like a snake eating its own tail.ngts own as,
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because i'm pretty sure you pulled that argument right out of the old dershy highway ( laughter ) now, earlier today-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: get it off. >> stephen: earlier today, trump held a signing ceremony for his u.s.m.c.a. trade deal, and he got some of his senate buddies pumped up to ask their questions. >> ted cruz. boy, has he been-- where is ted? boy, oh, boy, he's dying to get back there and ask those questions, i know. he's sitting there, "let me out of there, president! i want to ask those questions!" he's got some beauties, i'll bet. >> stephen: it's true. in fact, we have a copy of ted cruz's first question today, "why do people of earth recoil when viewing ted cruz's human smile?" ( laughter ) the big decision hanging over the impeachment trial is whether or not the senate is going to allow any witnesses.
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specificially, former national security advisor john bolton, seen here after being told he can't have a balloon or a war with iran. ( laughter ) now, reportedly, in bolton's upcoming book, he says trump told him personally that military aid to ukraine was being held up unless zelensky launched an investigation of the bidens. there it is. that's not just a smoking gun. that is a flamethrower that is on fire. today-- ( cheers and applause ) today, naturally, in response to this revelation, today trump attacked bolton's character tweeting: ( as trump ) "for a guy who couldn't get approved for the ambassador to the u.n. years ago, couldn't get approved for anything since, begged me for a nonsenate-approved job-- which i gave him despite many saying "don't do it, sir"-- takes the job, mistakenly says 'libyan model' on tv, and dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, many more mistakes of judgement, gets fired because frankly, if i
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listened to him, we would be in world war six by now, and goes out and immediately writes a nasty and untrue book, all classified. national security. who would do this?" first of all, world war six? "operation tokyo drift"? also, if everything bolton said is "nasty and untrue," how can it also be classified? that would certainly change "mission: impossible." >> your mission, should you choose to accept it, is nasty and untrue. this tape will self-destruct in five seconds. i lied. it's two. ( laughter ) >> stephen: trump also tweeted, "why didn't john bolton complain about this 'nonsense' a long time ago, when he was very publicly terminated? he said-- not that it matters-- nothing!"
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( as trump ) "he said nothing! not that it matters! because john bolton's betrayal definitely didn't hurt my feelings! i don't spend my nights clutching the pringles can with his face on it, crying and eating his delicious crispy innards. no. me and dershowitz are moving on to utz." ( laughter ) today-- ( cheers and applause ) "it's a call-back, guys. it's a call-back. utz. utz. >> jon: barbecue flavor still the one. >> stephen: today we learned that the white house issued a formal threat to bolton to keep him from publishing his book. wow. wow, so rare for trump to issue a formal threat. ( as trump ) "dearest esteemed colleague, it is my sincerest recommendation that you keep one eye open while you sleep. ( laughter ) best regards to your family and your temporarily uncut brake cables, donald j. trump."
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( laughter ) the threat came in the form of a letter to bolton's lawyer, saying the book contained information at the top secret level that could "cause exceptionally grave harm to the national security of the united states." well, given everything trump's done to harm the national security of the united states, at this point, i think we can handle a book. ( laughter ) this is like-- ( cheers and applause ) this is-- this is-- this is like repeatedly getting run over by a bus, and then the paramedic says, "okay, this cotton swab might sting a bit." the man charged with keeping bolton from testifying is senate majority leader, and emperor palpatine's fun brother, mitch mcconnell. >> audience: boooo! >> stephen: a little late with that. now, yesterday, as the "washington post" put it, mcconnell told republican
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senators he does not yet have the votes yet to block. witnesses. nice editing, wapo. ( laughter ) but you know their motto: grammar dies in darkness. ( laughter ) but it is news that mcconnell does not yet have enough votes yet. it's probably why he went up to capitol hill bright and early to lobby senators and sacrifice a goat. mcconnell does not have the official vote count, but he's been tallying gop support for witnesses by using a card with "yes," "no," and "maybes" marked on it. he's treating impeachment like a seventh grader who has a crush. passing notes that say "do you like democracy? yes, no, maybe. also, mitt romney eats boogers, pass it on." ( laughter ) so we don't know if that's true. ( applause ) i don't know if that's true. i have no idea. >> jon: allegedly. we never knew. >> stephen: so we don't know if witnesses are going to be called. but if you're looking for hope. maybe don't go asking chuck
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schumer. >> i think it's up in the air. is there a chance we might get a vote to allow witnesses and. documents? yes. but it is also an uphill fight, and i wouldn't do any dances-- joy dances now. yes, i would not. >> stephen: (as schumer) "i would not be doing any dances, joy dances. nor am i prepared to expel any mirth laughter or exchange any levity high-fives. i am chuck schumer, and i am the physical manifestation of despair." ( laughter ) ♪ ♪ last night, trump got away from. impeachment and made a visit to the wildwood boardwalk down in new jersey. trump played a song in his speech i thought i'd never hear again. >> we are now building that beautiful wall. mexico is in fact, you will soon find out, paying for the wall. i'll hit you with that. now, the wall is ultimately and very nicely being paid for by mexico. >> stephen: dude, you don't need to keep lying about mexico paying for the wall. the gig is up.
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when parents tell their kids they're taking them to disneyland and it turns out to be a trip to the dentist, they don't keep trying to convince them they're at disneyland. "hey, goofy is repeatedly jabbing you in the gums with a sickle probe. you love goofy!" blood in the sink. ♪ it's a root canal after all ♪ it's a root canal after all ( applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. steve martin is here. when we return, "meanwhile!" i promise. stick around.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, frequent yiewrs of should show no i spend a lot of time over there unpacking the biggest, most crucial news stories, laying them all out, then meticulously assembling them into the awesome, impressively detailed lego millennium falcon that is my monologue. but sometimes i like to collect all the leftover bits, the spare wheels, the discarded 2x2 flat tires, the extra four-top bricks, slap them together with some rubber bands, add an old train locomotive, then strap a dinosaur on and a bottle rocket to make the backyard rocket car of news that is my segment: "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) meanwhile-- it's simple. it's delicious. meanwhile, the sheriff's department of san miguel, colorado, went viral yesterday after issuing this warning:
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"large boulder the size of a small boulder is completely blocking eastbound lane of highway 145." wow, yeah. to move, that they're going to need a medium-sized crane the size of a huge crane. ( laughter ) meanwhile, "an oxford university professor has created a patch infused with bacon to 'help vegans cope with meat cravings.'" ( laughter ) hopefully, the patch goes across the vegan's mouth so they can't keep talking about how cashew butter rebalanced their gut biome. ( laughter ) no one cares. no one cares. ( applause ) here's how this will not work: "when a person who is wearing the patch scratches it, it produces a smell similar to that of cooked bacon," so they can imagine that they are eating bacon, which should supposedly sate their appetite."
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right, because the normal human reaction to smelling bacon is to no longer want to eat bacon. ( laughter ) meanwhile, "walmart is now selling a rose wine drink enhancer that can be used to turn your water into a delicious glass of wine to achieve the perfect non-alcoholic drink." it's all the things you love about wine, without the only thing you love about wine. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and-- ( cheers ) ♪ ♪ and the reviews are in, with one drinker saying, "it's amazing" if you add a few drops to vodka." ( laughter ) yeah! that's right! just throw a few drops of this magic rose mixer into your vodka, and all your friends will be saying, "are you okay?" ( laughter ) meanwhile, "scientists used a 3d printer, a loudspeaker, and computer software to recreate the voice of a 3,000-year-old
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mummy." here's what they actually came up with: ( groaning ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: i can't-- can we hear that again? is it possible? can we hear that again? ( groaning ) i can't believe that's what mummies sound like. it's going to really knock some of the suspense out of our movies. >> what's it say? ( groaning ) >> stephen: we'll be right back. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ from the makers of truvada, a new prep option: descovy for prep. a once-daily prescription medicine that helps lower the chances of getting hiv through sex. it's not for everyone.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody!
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welcome back! give it up for the band, jon batiste and stay human! ( cheers and applause ) exciting night. exciting night, jon. >> jon: yeah, yeah! >> stephen: very exciting. you know i'm happy. i'm happy. thanks, everybody. folks, we're all very excited. my first guest is a comedian, actor, author, and banjoist. he has been honored with grammys, an emmy, and an academy award. please welcome back to "the late show," steve martin! ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hold on one second. what's-- what's the deal. what's going on? ( bell ringing ) oh, shoot, sorry. yeah, i forgot. ladies and gentlemen, please
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welcome "the" steve martin. ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> thank you! ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. ♪ ♪ >> stephen: good to see you again. good to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: it's not only nice to see you as, like, a fan and as a colleague, but it's nice to see you, because you look fantastic. >> i know. i know. and that's what was so amazing. no, i'll be honest with you. i woke up about three days ago, and i looked at myself, and i said, "whoa! i'm-- i'm having a moment right now; and i need to go on a tv show. >> stephen: so people can see it. >> yeah, yeah, so people can see it. in two days it could be just
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unh. >> stephen: you and the great marty short-- >> yes. >> stephen: do a show around the country. people might not know it. ( applause ) now, do i have this correctly, you are actually taking your show to the u.k.? >> yes, we are going to dublin, glasgow, belfast, and london. >> stephen: now, just-- is it a coincidence-- >> by the way, that's just exactly what ireland needs is another leprechaun. marty short. it's just like-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: now, is it a coincidence you're going over there, and harry and meghan are coming to do north america, and now there's an open slot in the royal family? >> yup, yup. well, there is a big difference between meghan and harry and marty and me. >> stephen: what's that? >> we show up. and did you know-- by the way, i found this very touching. meghan markle, on the queen's 93rd birthday, gave her an engraved bracelet. >> stephen: oh, that's lovely. what did it say? >> it said, "do not
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resuscitate." ( laughter ). >> stephen: you'll do great! >> yeah. >> stephen: you'll do great! so do you-- how do you think you would do as a royal? >> i think i probably have royal blood, and if there's room for me over there, whatever they want, i'm there. >> stephen: what makes you think you have royal blood? have you had your genealogy or anything done like that? >> just based on looks around. do you have a photo-- a photo of the queen to look at, just to compare. >> stephen: is that what this is-- no, no, we have it right here. >> that's tyeah. you could show that. yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah. i see it. it's nice ( applause ) she looks-- she looks good. >> fantastic. >> stephen: she looks good! she should get on tv. >> do not resuscitate that guy, either. >> stephen: marty? >>y don't think-- do you a mhe. it's aht less.
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there you go. ( laughter ) now, this is-- is this true that i just heard that you and the cowgirl here are going to do a tv show together? >> we are. for hulu. >> stephen: okay. and it's either-- ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: that's tv. >> it's either hulu or hula. which are very different. we're doing actually a filmed crime show. >> stephen: like a procedural? >> the title of the show is, "only murders in the building"-- you think i'm joking but this is true. "only murders in the building." we're two older guys who live in. >> stephen:-- a building. >> building, co-op i guess they call it. we discover, even though we don't know each other we both have an interest in true crime shows. and we thought we could solve old crime shows and we realized we were older and tired so we
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decide we'd only do murders in the building. >> stephen: i don't want you to give anything away, i don't want you to give anything away, but i assume somebody is murdered in your building? >> exactly. you're a smart guy. >> stephen: i'm in tv. when i can see it this? >> we don't start shooting until fixture fall. >> stephen: i'll be dead. >> you'll see it in the summer. >> stephen: speak of british royalty. >> sure. >> stephen: we all lost comedic royalty last week when the great terry jones died from monty python and the flying circus. did you know those guys? >> i did. i had several occasions through the years to spend time with them. i came close friend with eric hidele and john close. >> stephen: that's extraordinary. >> i first met pem them-- well i first met them in 1980. they were doing the hollywood bowl. and i said i've never met these
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guys and i'd like to meet them and i invited them to an after-party at my house. >> stephen: and they came? >> they all came. and it was sweet and it was nice. i had a jacuzzi and terry jones was the only one who got in by himself and he was naik gld i've seen several photos of him naked. that was a thing. he enjoyed being naked. >> and then they sent me a wonderful gift. >> and actually brought it, because it's kind of a special object. >> stephen: this is a real thing. this is not a bit. >> it's a ceramic foopt and they all signed it. and i've had it on my little shelf -- >> stephen: the night that they visited? >> what? >> stephen: they sent it the night they visited. >> they subsequently sent it because it's glazed. that's yet signatures haven't worn off. >> stephen: there's terry jones, eric idle. >> it will be very sad when i auction this. but still-- ( laughter ). >> stephen: let me bid. let me bid.
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it's going to be sad when i drop it. >> i worked with them-- don't drop that. >> stephen: i want to put it over here so i don't. why don't you put it oifer there on the seat next to you so i'm not responsible for it. >what was it look for somebody like you who was-- not that you're big now. you were new and huge and had really changed comedy, and what was it like for you to meet a comedic hero. >> nice of you to say. for me to meet them? i was thinking the other way around. >> stephen: yes. how do you express to your comedic heroes, like, what they mean to you? >> well, it's very awkward. it's like anyone you meet, when they're up, you know, you're just kind of nervous around them. >> stephen: sure. >> and you want to impress them. and i thought they'd hate me. my comedy was very broad and very stupid because that was the intent. and their comedy was very subtle
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and sophisticated. >> stephen: that's a very generous description-- a very generous description of "the ministry of funny walks." but if you had any advice for somebody like me, if i were to ever meet a comedic hero-- and i haven't yet-- but if i were to meet a comedic hero. ♪ ♪ >> perfect chord. >> stephen: how would i express that to this comedic hero without making them feel uncomfortable? >> i would say, "i respect you so much, and i've followed you my whole life, and you always meant a lot to me." >> stephen: thank you. >> you're welcome. >> stephen: i doll that. i will do exactly that. >> you know, you might want to rehearse it. go ahead. >> stephen: i can try that? i have followed your work your entire-- >> thanks. anyway, i got to go. oh, a card fell. oh, this is so funny. anyway, go ahead. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you know, that seems like a good time for a commercial break.
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why don't we take a commercial break, but don't you go away because we'll be right back with more mr. steve martin. ( cheers and applause ) stop bossing. good dvers save 40% for avoiding mayhem, like me.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back here with mte martin. steve do you get stopped on the street? >> occasionally. things just tend to stick in your head. i remember early, it was like the 80s, and i had, you know, made a comedy movie, and you
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always test them. you go in for a test screening, and we had people in there. so after the screening, a spotted me-- because you always want to hear how the laughs go. and she came up and said, "i loved this movie. and my husband loved it. and he hates you." ( laughter ). >> stephen: wow upon. >> and, let's see, this happened in the summer. i was in san antonio, and it was memorial day. and i was playing a music show there, actually with the steep canyon rangers, who i'm going to play a song with later. and i always liked to get to know a town and i walked around on my own and there was nobody in the town because they were all at the parade. i was walking around and came around a corner and there were three guys drinking it up pretty well in a stairwell. and one of them is standing and he's singing, he's singing incoherently. and he's holding a paper bag and going... ♪ ♪ and i walked and he goes ♪ ♪
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-- "hey, steve martin." ( laughter ) and i realized he wasn't drunk at all. he was just singing incoherently. yeah. >> stephen: do you-- you have-- i have something here. >> sure. >> stephen: which i think is just wonderful. >> okay. >> stephen: this is a note, i think when so many people were stopping you, you came up with this wonderful note to give people. can you show this? >> i'll explain. people would come up and ask for an autograph. and i thought about it, what is an autograph, all this psychological stuff. and i thought really what they're doing is meeting you for whatever happens, four, five seconds, and then they go back and somebody says, "what was he like?" you're supposed to get an impression of someone in four, five seconds so i made up this card to give to people to tell them exactly the kind of encounter they had. >> stephen: would you like to read this? >> "this certifies that you have had a personal encounter with me and you found me warm, polite,
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and funny." >> stephen: that's nice. ( applause ) >> what's-- what's interesting-- and i put my signature on that. >> stephen: sure. >> it was like a printed signature. so i'd give it and they'd laugh and they'd go, "can you sign that?" defeats the purpose. >> stephen: you also-- this is what i love. i get a lot of letters and i n't always have time to write people back. >> this was, you know, during the 70s and 80s. and i would get letters from people, and the instinct, of course, is to want to be personal and write-- but you don't have time. so i came up with this kind of form letter that would be eye could fill in, so there will be a little contact, and would also be, hopefully. funny. want me to read it? >> stephen: that would be wonderful. >> it says, "dear jerry, what a pleasure it was to receive a letter from you, although my schedule is very busy, i decided to take time out to write you a personal reply. ( laughter ) too often, performers lose contact with their audience and begin to take them for granted
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but i don't think that will happen to me, will it... jerry? i don't know when i'll be appearing close to you bep butt keep that extra bunk made up in case i get to... flint. p.s., i'll always cherib that time we spent together in rio, walking on the beach and looking at rocks." it was fun to do. >> stephen: that is lovely. that is very thoughtful. >> it is very thoughtful, isn't it? >> stephen: i actually had one of these letters to print it out. >> and know you don't have time to write me a personal thank you letter for being on the show. would you mind. i'm sorry. >> hilarious! oh, my god! that happened! ( laughter ) okay, "dear..." >> stephen: stephen. >> "stephen." we spell our names the exact same way, stephen. >> stephen: but you're steve. >> i know, but you wouldn't go around being called stephen. that would be so arrogant. ( laughter ).
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>> stephen: uh-huh. >> give me that name again. "that won't happen to me"... >> stephen: stephen. >> i don't know-- keep that extra bunk made up in case i get to the-- what's the show? >> stephen: "the late show." >> i'll also cherish that after we spent together in rio walking on the beach, looking at... each other." >> stephen: can you sign it? >> oh, yeah, i'll sign it. i don't even know how to sign my name. >> stephen: it's going to be so sad when i sell this on ebay. >> oh, yeah. >> stephen: now, i like to keep up with your music. >> thank you. >> stephen: we love having you on here. >> i love to play music. >> stephen: by yourself or with the steep canyon rangers. tell me what you're performing with them tonight? >> i'm doing a song-- it's kind of a stray. last time we were on the show we had an album called "the long await the album."
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we did a single. but when i was all done, i had a song left over that i wrote after we had recorded it, and i thought well, it will just sit there. and then i realized, you know what people don't want? 12 songs. i've got one song. let's just do a single. that's my belief. you're in an album. you're two songs in, you go, "i'm happy." or i think about this when i'm doing the show with marty. i think, "we're 20 minutes in, the audience thinks 'i got it. i don't need to see anymore. i got it. '." you could do that with "death of a salesman." "it's sad. let's go." >> i keep up with contemporary music. the song "old town road"-- >> stephen: huge hit. >> in our house, too. because it would come on and my daughter would return out and get so excited and i would grab her and swing her around and toss her in the air. >> stephen: how old is she? >> she's 55.
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( laughter ). >> stephen: okay... well, you're very strong. you're very strong. you stay very fit. >> tossing her in the air. >> stephen: steve, please don't go. then you wouldn't be able to play a song. >> i'm not going, that's yi came here. also... >> stephen: because you look good. >> the money. >> stephen: steve, good to see you. steve martin, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by steve martin and the steep canyon rangers! it ♪ ♪ everything your trip needs for everyone you love. expedia.
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♪ ♪ ( applause ) as a struggling actor,
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>> stephen: and now, performing their new single "california," please welcome steve martin and the steep canyon rangers! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ took a house in california ♪ overlooks the sunset strip said you'd join me ♪ when i'm settled now i sit here, six weeks in ♪ oklahoma's got tornados
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don't you want the l.a. sun? ♪ watching airplanes on the glidepath ♪ on the front porch drinking rum ♪ where's your suitcase where's your toothbrush ♪ where's your first draft manuscript ♪ where's the girl i fell in love with? ♪ where's our new relationship ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ said you hated working retail ♪ said you'd join me on the coast ♪ come to l.a. bring your laptop ♪ sell your show to hbo ♪ where's your suitcase where's your toothbrush ♪ where's your first draft manuscript ♪ where's your dog i fell in love with ♪ i could use
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companionship ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ went to whole foods bought some goat cheese ♪ girl in shorts gives me a smile ♪ she advances i'm responsive ♪ what the heck it's been a while ♪ went to her place in the bird streets ♪ she's got legal weed for two left the house ♪ did not inhale it i could only think of you ♪ can you call me can you write me ♪ send me just a fingerprint where's the face i ♪ fell in love with and the heart that ♪ goes with it?
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you! >> stephen: thank you, steve! >> thank you. >> stephen: "california" is available now. steve martin and the steep canyon rangers, everybody! we'll be right back. i am running to defeat donald trump.
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because beyond technology... there is human ingenuity. every day, comcast business is helping businesses go beyond the expected. to do the extraordinary. take your business beyond. >> stephen: well, that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be samantha bee and michael stipe. now stick around for james corden. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen,


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