tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 18, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the late show with stephen colbert is next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the accounting firm that has worked with the trump organization for years is cutting ties and says it can no longer stand behind a decade of financial statements from the former president's company. in a letter released as part of a disclosure from new york attorney general leititia james' civil investigation into the trump organization, mazar's u.s.a. said the work they did from 2011 to 2020 should not be relied on. >> hi! are you under investigation by state and federal authorities for tax fraud? and your personal accountants for over 10 years have sold you down the river? then look no further than-- ( horn beeps ) go around! manston & manston accountants. i'm both of them. we'll represent you, no questions asked, from the comfort of our mobile home
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islands featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: thank you so much. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ there you go. thank you. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) thank you so much. please, ladies and gentlemen, please, have a seat. welcome, one and all, in here, out there, all around the world.
welcome to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen-- ( cheers and applause ) i want to brace yourself because something good might be happening. possibly. because as of this morning, russia says it's pulling back some of its forces amid the ukraine crisis. okay, so russia might be pulling out. ( laughter ) that-- that would be good, right, joe? >> that would be good, but we have not yet verified that. an invasion remains distinctly possible. >> stephen: okay. probably smart not to trust vlad on this one. dudes like him never pull out when they say they will. ( laughter ) ( applause ) but-- true story, based on a true story. but, still, the signs are looking mildly positive. yesterday, russia's top diplomat endorsed more talks to resolve
its standoff with the west. as part of that diplomatic effort, german chancellor olaf scholz met with putin at this extremely long table, the same one putin used last week when he met with french president macron. i think i know why these negotiations are taking so long: ( as world leader, yelling ) "if you remove your troops, we'll cut the sanctions." ( as putin, yelling ) "got it. i will move the tanks in." ( as world leader, yelling ) "no thanks, i'm not hungry." ( laughter ) one of the reasons we know what's going on with russia's military is social media, because videos of russian troops massing on ukraine's borders are being widely disseminated on tiktok, leading the media to label this conflict, "the tiktok war." ( laughter ) oh, no. not a tiktok war. that would be... i don't know what that would be.
i'm 57. i don't-- can we... ( cheers and applause ) i know. bang-bang. ( cheers and applause ) instead of "tiktok war" can't it just be a long-form podcast battle or stack of old "new yorkers" revolution? here's what's happening: all over russia and ukraine, everyday citizens are recording military activity and posting those videos on social media, like this: ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: that really feels bizarre and dystopian. but it is reminiscent of world war ii newsreels that combined troop footage with a.s.m.r.: ( whispering a.s.m.r. ) >> "the troops are marching through the square.
right, left, right, left." war seems pretty cool. ( clacks fingernails ) ( crinkles chips ) >> stephen: while russia's military action plays out on the "sosh-meedz," the u.s. government is racing to prepare for every potential scenario, which is why the biden administration has assembled a diverse group of experts preparing a clear series of responses, who are being called the "tiger team." so named because they're grrrrrround war experts. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the tiger team's-- ( applause ) thank you. really? really. ( applause ) very generous. you're very generous. ( laughter ) the tiger team's job is to come up with a playbook for every eventuality. and one way they've been gaming out scenarios is through multi- hour, tabletop exercises. so, they're playing "risk." they're just playing "risk."
which is bad news for australia-- you weren't even in this thing, and now you're gonna get taken in the first turn. you might want to brace yourselves again, ladies and gentlemen, because it looks like there may be some actual consequences for former president, "you know coup." because new york attorney general letitia james has been investigating the former president's family business for tax and/or bank fraud. and as a result of her probe, yesterday, the former president's accounting firm dropped his company as a client. if there's any karma in this world, they dropped him for a younger, hotter client. ( cheers and applause ) now he's going to need someone else to do his taxes. i suggest h&r cellblock. we learned-- ( laughter ) race right past that one, in and
out! we learned from a court filing yesterday that mazar's, the former president's now-former accounting firm, says that the financial statements it prepared for him between june 30, 2011 and june 30, 2020, "should no longer be relied upon." so, for those nine years, no one should trust any of his financial statements, or any of his statements. ( laughter ) according to one expert-- ( cheers and applause ) according-- ( applause ) according to one expert, this could be very bad for the former president. >> this information could give rise to banks calling their loans, saying, "listen, we-- we, we gave you money in reliance on information that now turns out by your own accounting firm to be inaccurate. >> stephen: it's very likely the banks might call their loans. he could lose everything and have to move from mar-a-lago to
car-a-lago. ( laughter ) ( applause ) looking at the-- ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ it could happen. it could happen. turning to news from up north, i'll catch you up on the latest from the maple-flavored nutjobs in our long-running, first-time segment: "woah, canada!" for the past few weeks, canadian anti-vaccine protestors have been blocking major trade routes, and while authorities have cleared the bridge into ontario, the protests keep raging elsewhere, teaching americans a disturbing lesson: there are different parts of canada. ( laughter ) i thought it was toronto, montreal, and vancouver, and they were all within canoe distance of each other. ( laughter ) so, yesterday, we saw major pushback from canadian prime
minister and hot widower dad in a hallmark christmas movie-- ( laughter ) ( applause ) justin trudeau. trudeau turned up the heat to whatever is hot in celsius, declaring a national emergency to end the trucker protests. that is significant! a national emergency allows canadian law enforcement to usec away geese. in other not-america news, prince andrew has settled the sexual abuse lawsuit filed against him by virginia giuffre. finally, justice-- one assumes. because we'll never know, because andrew did not admit to any of ms. giuffre's accusations against him, and the amount he's paying her is confidential. so all the details will now go into the royal palace's dungeon of forbidden knowledge right between anne boleyn's head and a pile of taxidermied corgis. ( laughter )
will those, by the way-- that joke was rewritten many times, and those-- those were two of the least-disturbing things we could think of. ( applause ) it one detail we do know, according to the statement announcing the settlement: andrew intends to make a substantial donation to a charity in support of victims' rights. i believe he's donating the money directly to "the prince andrew foundation to stop prince andrew." ( laughter ) ( applause ) in tinseltown, hollywood, la-la, news, the oscars are back, and after three years of hostless shows, we're getting a whole lotta hosts: regina hall, amy schumer, and wanda sykes ( applause ) yeah, three good ones. meaning this year, there could be more hosts than people watching them. the oscars are trying something new this year: caring what the audience thinks, because they're
allowing twitter users to vote on their favorite films-- regardless of whether the film was nominated for an oscar-- and that film will be recognized during the awards broadcast. so congratulations to this year's twitter oscar: homer simpson slowly backing into a bush. ( cheers and applause ) and that's not all: three lucky twitter voters will be selected to have an all-expenses-paid trip to los angeles to present an oscar award at the following ceremony in 2023. so get ready to hear, "and now, presenting the award for best actor in a supporting role: dame helen mirren and twitter user @buttburgerpimp420. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. my guest is john oliver. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause )
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give it up for jon batiste and stay human. there you go. there you go. there you go. i love seeing the fellas up top tonight. i love it. >> jon: i like that. >> stephen: you've got double- decker-- you've got double- decker soul tonight, that's fantastic. jon, you know, i hold in my hand the keys to the kingdom right here, because these are the card to talk to mr. john oliver tonight. always a pleasure to have him on. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: tonight, john oliver in the house. >> stephen: always a pleasure. hey, jon, how long have we worked together now? what are we talking here, six and a half years, something like that. >> jon: six and a half years, over 1,000 shows. >> stephen: way over 1,000 shows. >> jon: six and a half-- almost seven years. >> stephen: almost seven years together. when we got hired we got hired to work for cbs. that's who we got hired to work for. the tiffany network. what an honor. >> jon: that's right. >> stephen: at some point, three
years ago-- how many years ago-- two and a half years ago, viacom, which used to be with cbs, which split many years ago. now we work for viacomcbs. >> jon: yup. >> stephen: and as a matter of fact, just last week, because it was a pain in the ass, and it took months to get it done, just last week we all had to change our email from cbs.com and viacomcbs.com. they said, we're sorry. we know this is a pain in the ass, but it has to happen. we're viacomcbs. and they changed it over and announced we're no longer viacomcbs. forget it. flush that down the toilet, gone, never to be spoken of again. we are now all working-- you guys probably don't even know this because it literally happened while we were rewriting the show. we now work for paramount.
>> jon: what? >> stephen: that's what i said. >> jon: wait, what? >> stephen: that's exactly what i said. >> jon: it's paramount now. >> stephen: we all work for paramount now. and i think if means we're all in the new "mission impossible" movies because i think that's the only movies they make now. i do my own stunts, jut like tom this is me right here. we all work for paramount now. what does that mean, he asked? >> jon: i'm wondering what that means. i haven't been filled in on what that means. >> stephen: no one called me. did you know? >> i didn't. >> stephen: nobody knew. nobody knew what happened. >> jon: paramount it is. >> stephen: paramount it is. i'm a proud, proud paramount employee, and i always have been. ( laughter ) >> jon: that's right. ( applause ) >> stephen: always have. we'll be right back with sir john oliver. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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folks, you know my guest as a former "daily show" correspondent, and the host of "last week tonight" on hbo. please welcome, mr. john oliver ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> good evening. >> stephen: it's nice to see you in the flesh. >> yeah i know. it's odd seeing you in angle. i'm used to see you perfectly point blank. >> stephen: 2d stephen colbert for the last two years. you were my first zoom guest this is your 14th time on the show but i have not seen you in
the flesh in over two years. >> exactly, right. >> stephen: how does it feel to be in front of people again? >> um... >> stephen: you have an audience now. you returned to your studio in september, right? >> yeah, that's right. we did six or seven shows last year with a very small audience. but hopefully we'll be back this sunday. >> stephen: this sunday. >> yeah, with an audience is >> stephen: you do that on sundays as well. >> exactly. hope we will have a new audience, new letter of the greek alphabet not withstanding. >> stephen: you hope they'll showup or you hope you're allowed to. do you know what's going to happen on sunday or will they surprise you when you get to the desk? >> i think we'll open the doors and say who fancies something inside and see who shows up. >> stephen: that's very nice. how you have been? how have you-- >> you know, all right. how have you been. it's been a tough couple of years. >> stephen: yeah. >> very glad i had the show to
do, but did have to do it with two little children in the adjacent room which is not ideal in the most extent possible. >> stephen: you literally went into the next room, with a blank wall. >> yes. >> stephen: and no sense that any of the material is working. >> that's right. >> stephen: just screaming your jokes into a sock. and then tying the sock to the leg of a dead pigeon and throwing it into the office. >> that's basically it. >> stephen: that's what it felt like. >> i literally would give them an ipad loaded with "paw patrol" episodes and go into the next room and rant about facial recognition technology for 20 minutes. >> stephen: i'm hoping this gets answered with something that gives me hope, so keep that in mine. in 2016 and 2020 at the end of those seasons you blew up the year. >> we did. >> stephen: and you did not blow up 2021. and is that a good sign? should i take that that you have
some hope? >> i think 2021 cleared the lowest imaginable bar. ( laughter ) and it seems like those explos aoin, know, four-year increments, like nihilism olympics. so 2024, we're looking at a real big kaka-boom. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what advice do you have for tv hosts... ( laughter ) such as myself. >> yeah, sure. >> stephen: do you have any idea where this question is going. >> stephen: no, i don't. because it takes a turn here. who also hope to dabble with explosives? >> oh,. >> stephen: that looks like-- that looks blowed up real good, and i love things that go blow up. >> it was really fun. and the nice thing about that, because no movies have been shooting in 2021, due to the thing, we got these incredible explosives guys who set it all up and said to me, "it's going to be very hot, and for about half a second, you're going toll feel like you're on fire."
>> stephen: how close are you to-- >> pretty close. >> stephen: like this one? >> this one-- the top one was nothing in hindsight. this lower one, that got-- he was about right. it was about half a second in you think, "does this stop or..." ( laughter ). >> stephen: is there a shock wave. >> the shock wave goes through you and moves your heart a little. >> stephen: wait a second "moves your heart?" that's never good. >> that's what he said to relax me, "your heart will move a bit." "you sound calm, but the information you're giving me is haunting." and the truly depressing thing is the amount of surprise that they had that i didn't flinch. it was, like, just one after one, "i can't believe it. i'm looking at it back now, you didn't look scared." well, it was, you know, a bad year. i'm dead inside. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's not bravery. >> stephen: after doing this, do you think you're prepared to do one of the scenes in a movie
where you walk away from the barn and it explodes? >> yeah. >> stephen: and you just keep staring at the camera. >> i will say, even though it was done for the darkest of reasons at the most awful of times, it did-- there is a child in you that thinks, "that was pretty cool." ( laughter ) ( applause ) yeah. it was great. >> stephen: that's nice. congratulations on this. congratulations on that. quite an achievement. we have to take a little bit of a break. but don't go anywhere. we'll be right back with mr. john oliver. stick around. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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join us. protect the promise. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! look who's here. it's john oliver, everybody. yesterday was valentine's day. >> true. >> stephen: and you have a sweetie, your wife, cate. did you do anything particularly-- is there a ring on there? >> she put a ring on it. >> stephen: oh, wow. ♪ uh-oh oh, ♪ >> stephen: evie and i went out. >> we didn't. we sat at home, put the kids to bed, made a little charcuterie it doesn't take long. it's meat and cheese. munched on that, fell asleep, and that's another valentine's day in the books. >> stephen: that has its own level of romance. >> of course. >> stephen: are you a particularly romantic person? >> i don't-- i mean-- >> stephen: do you remember the first person you asked out?
how about that? >> yes, i do. because it's a big moment. i was five years old. as we-- as was she. >> stephen: wow. >> she wasn't married. she was called sarah constable. and -- >> stephen: wait, her name was sarah constable? >> yes. >> stephen: that is a made-up "mary poppins" name. >> you're right, you're right. it's almost offensively british. two five-year-olds in birmingham. she had blue national health- issue glasses and very, very bright shiny lacquer sandals. and i thought i like what is happening here. ( laughter ) >> stephen: the glasses lacquer, like patent leather. >> it was probably plastic because it was england in the '70. it was really shiny. and i can't remember any of the features of their face at all. she had these glasses and a and i asked her if she wanted t?
>> n p >> stephen: oh, play date. >> blind date. i was right in front of her. >> stephen: that's right, that's true. "hey, sarah..." ( laughter ). >> stephen: so, a play date. you said play date? >> i said would you like to come around to my house to play? >> stephen: okay. >> and i knew even if that moment-- i had had kids around before to play. and i thought this is the kind of question you ask and the answer could be crushing. >> stephen: and she said? >> she said, "i'll have to ask my parents." and that was a win, as far as i was concerned. >> stephen: and did it happen? >> i'm just think ago. >> stephen: did it actually happen? ( applause ) >> i can't believe it. i'm literally thinking, it never happened. i cannot remember those sandals walking into my house. >> stephen: really, the sandals is the only thing that sticks with you? >> i really wanted them myself. >> stephen: what are the odds that is she's going to see this
interview right now? >> low. i mean, we were five years old in birmingham. i left birmingham at six years old. we never saw each other again. sarah. i'm going to assume constable still. ( laughter ) she decided to keep her own name, hashtag feminism. what is your problem? >> stephen: good point. good point. good pointre. ( laughter ) >> i don't know your current situation, sarah, right now, but i remember you. whht ) if you still have those accessories that you had as a five-year-old-- and even hearing this out loud i'm realizing how alarming an approach this might come across to you-- please, please get in touch at an email i will not give right now. i hope -- >> stephen: there is someone in
the british press right now trying to hunt down sarah constable. >> oh, no. that is how it works, isn't it? >> stephen: that's exactly what's happening. >> please leave sarah constable alone. she had amazing glasses and top- shelf black patent plastic shoes. and it was the first time i thought i want to spend more time with this person. she understandably wanted to get her parents involved in that transaction. i totally get it. i do not remember the play date happening. and that's a shame. but, you know, my life could have gone in a different way. sadly, i'm not mr. constable. of course i would have taken her name. are you ( bleep ) kidding me? are you kidding me? ( applause ) john-- john constable with shiny black leather sandals, i would have been happier than i am now. still, it's great to be here. thanks for having me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, some people watching know you as a comedian. ( laughs )
but many out there know you as a former violist. your first up was the viola. i think we talked about this briefly once before. >> yeah. >> stephen: and i'm just curious-- we didn't really get into it as much as i would have liked to have, because i have some friends who played the viola, and they recovered. and i was wondering what it was that kept you from pursuing that. why didn't you go for-- it's a sexy instrument? >> it was a-- it was a-- well, i would make-- the joke of the oh, strark the viola. it's one string down. it has a "c" string. >> stephen: i have a series-- a series of viola jokes here. >> hit me. >> stephen: how do you keep your viola from being stolen? >> how do you keep your viol from being stolen, stephen. >> stephen: put it in a viola case. ( laughter ) what's the difference between a viola and a coffin? >> stephen, what is the difference between the viola and the coffin? >> stephen: the coffin has a dead person on the inside. ( laughter ) >> that's pretty good.
>> stephen: what's the difference between a viola and an onion. >> what the is the difference between a viola and an onion? no one cries when you cut up a viola. holy ( bleep )! ( applause ) that barely has the construction of a joke. that's just a heartbreaking thing to say. >> stephen: it is, yes. why didn't you pursue the viola? >> because i got quite good at it, good enough to realize i was hitting a hard, concrete ceiling, and it was causing me nothing but misery. because the frustrating is, i knew how i wanted it to sound, i knew how it should sound, and i couldn't do it. and every time i practiced i wanted pete townsend to enter the room. >> stephen: that's the thing about instruments-- not for these fellas-- there's a point where you think i'm never be good. and then you go i'm getting good. and then you get a little better, and you're like i'm awful. >> when they give you great
music and you massacre it in front of their pained faces having actually practiced. there was one poetic moment i'm glad it gave me. i played the viola in the school and played on all the school sports teams, which may be more of a surprise. i went to orchestra practices with mud and blood on me. and then i rode to sports practices with my viola case, and which of those two worlds do you think was more accepting of the other? but there was this-- my sports teacher, after this one game that we played, i was last out of the locker room, and he stood-- i was leaving with my case. and he stood between me and the door and he said, "is that what i think it is, oliver?" and i said, "let's not do this." and he said, "i used to play the violin. do you mind have i have a go?" so i took this child-sized violaing, and i handed it to him
and he took it in his meaty hand, and he delicately put it under his chin and with the bow and string and started to play. in that moment i was thinking the of there's a world in which the sound he is about to make is beautiful. he played the bach, double concerto, slow movement, something truly incredible. but we didn't live in that world. ( laughter ) we lived in a world where he chose to play-- i swear this is true-- "three blind mice." ( laughter ) ( applause ) with all the skills of a man who hadn't touched a musical instrument in 20 years and was ( bleep ) terrible the last time he had, he put the violin back into my case, closed it up, handed it to me, and said, "let's never speak of this moment ever again." ( laughter ) ( applause ) for that reason, and that reason
alone, i'm-- >> stephen: and this is the first time you have mentioned it. >> the first time. >> stephen: you just broke a promise. >> that's right. he didn't say anything about late-night television in america. >> stephen: okay, good. we have to take a break, but, please, you stay there, and you come back. because when we come back i will ask john about the next new season nine of it "last week tonight." ( cheers and applause ). ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ new starbucks baya energy drink with caffeine naturally found in coffee fruit. its energy, that's good. with caffeine naturally found in coffee fruit. ♪ ♪ ♪ pringles. (man 1) oh, this looks like we're in a screen saver. (man 2) yeah, but we need to go higher.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back here with the host of "last week tonight." mr. john oliver. you have a three- and a six- year-old. >> i do. >> stephen: do they know your work, or do they know-- you have done some children's movies. "wonder park" "the lion king" "the love guru." do they know your work? are they allowed-- i took them to see "wonder park" because it was before the pandemic. i was a porcupine in that movie. afterwards, i was slightly cockily thinking this is going to be a magic moment for them. i said, "that porcupine, does that sound like anyone?" and at first they said no. i said it sounds like, "dada, doesn't it?" and i said, "that's me." and they said, no, it wasn't, it was a porcupine. ( laughter ) ( applause ) showing that someone lost himself in the role.
( laughter ) >> stephen: wow. nice. ( applause ) >> year, i'm a convincing porcupine. >> stephen: so, season nine. >> yes. >> stephen: of "last week tonight." >> sure. >> stephen: do you ever call it l.w.t.? do you use an abbreviation over there? >> no, i don't think i could carry that off. "hey, gang, welcome to l.w.t." >> stephen: i don't mean-- i don't mean on air. >> oh. >> stephen: i mean in the offices, like see how we have l.s.s.c. >> it's only one extra syllable. it really feels-- >> stephen: "last week tonight." l, w-- >> it's actually worse. >> stephen: it's a little longer. >> that is why we don't call it l.w.t., because it takes too long. ( laughter ) you know, you know, the art of conversation in these shows is what i love about them. ( laughter )
( applause ) >> stephen: you got to let moments like that breathe. the organic discovery-- it doesn't matter what's on the card. >> you have to let the moment breathe, and if it happens it's the last breath, so ( bleep ) be it. >> stephen: you have to hold the moment down until the moment stops struggling, and then you go to commercial. >> shhh! shhh! shhh! >> stephen: it's better this way. the new season-- >> yeah. ( applause ) >> stephen: the new season starts sunday, as you said. let's plug the product here. >> oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: how has doing the show felt during this administration as opposed to last one? certainly i feel a great difference in my-- in my daily focus. >> it's much-- it's much more fun to do, right? >> stephen: yeah. >> it's not fun writing comedy from absolute despair. and for us, it's been-- even we
were-- our show was getting sucked into dealing with the fire hose of what was coming out of that administration all the time. so it is nice to return to do what we do best, i think, which is stories about pace loans and homelessness -- >> stephen: are you allowed to tell us what this sunday is about? >> i'm not sure what it will be about yet. >> stephen: really, really? >> if i were to say of any of our shows what it was going to be, not like it would be a great sell. it's not like you would say, "i can't wait to hear this picture of our local sponsor content in local news reel me in." it's better we don't tell you what you're about to be force fed on a sunday evening. >> stephen: i hope-- i hope there's an audience when you open up the doors. >> me, too. i hope people will be-- please come. >> stephen: if nobody shows up, give me a call. >> honestly, if one person shows up, at this point to be sarah constable. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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in-flight headset ♪ feeling like i'm 15 wandering with the misfits ♪ and all went silent purples, violets ♪ the kind of quiet wandering with the ♪ starry eyelids a sweet unsweetened ♪ an eve uneven the lights trailed ♪ like incense to the figure in the ♪ distance you are all i need ♪ nothing said could change a thing ♪ where you go, i go just say, i'll be ♪ 'cause you are all i need
i met the king of sweden ♪ it all was walking in the headlights ♪ drumming in a bender frozen in a red light ♪ i'm always flying so i'm always crying ♪ losing my emotion on a desert island ♪ looked just like heaven seven alligator seven ♪ spoke to the reverend still filled me with depression ♪ was it the sun on the horizon? it lit the figure ♪ in the distance
♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's awesome. future islands, everybody. james corden is next. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh!