tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS March 25, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
friday. have a great weekend captioning sponsored by cbs >> u.s. and european applies are putting pressure but hurting moscow a finances by removing some russian banks from the swift banking system as st called. >> swift handles the majority of international money transfers, its short for society of worldwide interbank financial telecommunications. >> the late show acquired this official message from swift.
and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey. hey. thanks for being here. have a good show. ( cheers and applause ) thank you very much. hello jon. hey! hello. hey, everybody. hey, chris, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to "the late show," i'm stephen colbert. i don't know how you spent "your" weekend, but i spent it
watching "the hunt for red october" on a loop. i've even been working on my russian accent: ( scottish accent ) "a wee das vedanya to ya, lassie." because, you see, the cold war is back in a big way, and the whole world has been gripped by the moving images coming out of ukraine. we've seen scenes of heartbreak and heroism. desperate refugees streaming over the polish border, families taking shelter from the bombs in subway stations, men tried to stop tanks with their bare hands. we knew this was going to happen for weeks, but there's a difference between knowing it's coming and watching it happen. russia's invasion of ukraine is a humanitarian crisis, but it is also a triumph of humanity, because despite all of russia's military prowess, the ordinary people of ukraine will not back down, and the war in ukraine isn't working out the way russia
intended. ( cheers and applause ) take that, putin! actually, stop taking anything, and go home. russia's failings are not just surprising, they're also embarrassing. >> stephen: what a coincidence. they ran out of gas the same time ukrainians ran out of ( bleep ). one of the most moving moments of defiance happened when soldiers refused to surrender at a place called snake island. which is, i think, where mortal kombat takes place. the now-viral audio clip captures the moment when 13 ukrainian soldiers were asked to surrender by the russian navy:
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: courageous defiance by patriots willing to lay down their lives. reminds me of patrick henry's famous words, "give me liberty or eat my ass." it's believed that they're still alive these sailors and asking to be played by vin diesel and the rock. and it's not just the ukrainian military putting up a fight.
several clips of ordinary ukrainians in action have gone viral, like this one of a man moving a land mine to allow ukrainian forces to pass. that is so dangerous. doesn't he know that smoking can kill. he's carrying that landmine so gingerly! i believe that's the "uncle holding a baby that just pooped" technique. "oop! somebody dropped a boom boom. susan, you take him. i'm not done with my smoke." some ukrainians are returning home from other countries to fight, like this guy. >> ( translated ): my brother will stay with my mother. my grandmother and i will go to war with my father. >> stephen: damn, even ukraine's grandmas are fighting for their freedom. which means russian troops won't just be defeated by guns, but by one very long story. ( old ukrainian woman ) "and then i met his grandfather back in 1942. ...or was it '43? no no, my dad had just bought
the buick, so it was probably '42. no...oh look, they're all asleep. kill them." ( applause ) ukraine's civilians are helping in a different way after the ukrainian defense ministry tweeted to "make molotov cocktails and take down the occupier," with instructions on how to do so. that's great, but did they really need instructions on making molotov cocktails? it's a pretty simple recipe: bottle, kerosene, rag, explode to taste. ukrainians are also fighting back in nonviolent ways. like one road company which is removing road signs to confuse russians. the company also posted it's already confusing enough that it
is in kill motors. the company also posted an edited photo of a road sign where the directions had been replaced with phrases that translate as "go ( bleep ) yourself", "go ( bleep ) yourself again," and "go ( bleep ) yourself back in russia". ( applause ) that's right. i'm pretty sure that was modeled on the "welcome to queens" sign. politicians are also stepping up. here's former ukrainian president petro poroshenko being interviewed with his friends: >> can you tell me what you and the group you're with right now there are armed with and what your intention is if the russians roll in in the next few hours? >> ah, this is very easy. just my assistance here. this is the shot kalashnikov. >> stephen: that is a badass
former president. i'd like to see jimmy carter build a house with a bazooka. but perhaps the greatest symbol of their indomitable resistance is, current ukrainian president and guy who apparently unlocks his phone with his fist, volodomyr zelenskyy. when the invasion started, some predicted that zelenskyy would flee the country. but he's done the exact opposite. not only has he stayed, he's become a national hero by fighting alongside his fellow ukrainians. in fact, on saturday, zelenskyy reportedly turned down an offer from the united states to evacuate him, saying: "i need ammunition, not a ride." wow! ( cheers and applause ) i mean-- is everyone in ukraine badass? explains why this is their national anthem: ♪ move bitch get out the way ♪ get out the way, bitch get out the way ♪ >> stephen: even though he
stayed, there were rumors spread by russia that zelensky had abandoned kyiv in secret. so in response, he posted this video to say "nyet-uh." >> ( translated ): good evening. good day. the prime minister, shmyhal is here. the party leader is here. the head of the president's administration is here and obviously the president is here. all of us are here. our military are here, our civil servants are here defending our independence and our state and we mean to keep it that way. glory to our allies. glory to ukraine. ( applause ) >> stephen: that's incredible. that's incredible. he's not abandoning ship. he's staying! he's like the captain of the titanic, if the titanic spent five days successfully beating the iceberg.
this bravery is especially surprising because before he was a politician, zelenskyy was one of ukraine's most popular tv comedians. your move, mrs. maisel. let's see how marvelous you really are. and back in 2006, zelenskyy also won the ukrainian version of dancing with the stars. check out his moves: ♪ don't you stand on my blue suede shoes ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: okay, i do not understand the rules of soccer. ( laughter ) zelenskyy's bravery is in the face of mortal danger. because over the weekend, the kremlin ordered 400 russian
mercenaries into kyiv to hunt and kill ukraine's president. of course! zelenskyy is everything putin isn't. he's young, he's tough, he's loved and admired by his people, and most importantly, unlike putin, he looks good with his shirt off. no wonder he needs ammo, look at those guns. we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is bob odenkirk. ( cheers and applause ) but when we come back, i'll be standing right here with more monologue about the sanctions on russia. stick around. pti. i need the pdf cob aka eod. what's the eta? asap, fyi! lmk! hbd, gordon. hbty...
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condemnation of russia and inspired the world to action. for instance, last thursday, after putin invaded, one of the harshest options available was to cut russia off from the inter-bank communication system known as swift. biden was asked about this at his press conference thursday: >> mr. president, you didn't mention swift in the sanctions that you announced. is there a reason why the u.s. isn't doing that? >> it is always an option, but right now that is not the position the rest of europeshtat new positions. since then, faced with the enormity of putin's crime, the western powers "have" disconnected russian banks from swift, forcing russia's central bank to more than "double" interest rates to 20% and refuse to open the moscow stock exchange. which is probably a good thing. this is what shares of the
russian bank sberbank actually looked like when the market opened in london this morning: holy pierogi! it is never good when your financial graph looks like someone knocked over the printer. all weekend, russian people have been standing in long lines at atms, trying to get their money before it turns to dust. putin's finally fulfilled his dream of bringing back the soviet union, because that's a lot of people waiting in line faced with a financial crisis, putin tried to reassure citizens that the banks were sound: you're thinking of this place all wrong, like i have the money in a safe. the money is not here, the money is ( different dubbed in voice ) funding a tank brigade in ukraine. >> stephen: i would stay in line for those rubles, russians. because as of today, apple pay and google pay no longer work on
moscow's metro system, leading to long queues as people fumble about for cash. eat sucky morning commute, russkies! i fell you what, i tell you what. and if you don't get out of ukraine, next we're sending the worst from "our" subway: the guy with the garbage bag full of sandwiches that he's giving out for "donations," and the kid who bangs on a bucket. he only knows one song, and no one knows what it is. how disliked is russia on the world stage? even famously neutral switzerland is adopting all the sanctions that the european union has imposed on russia and freezing their assets. switzerland has a knife out for switzerland, switzerland, switzerland, switzerland has a knife out for russia. and since it's a swiss knife, it comes with little scissors, a toothpick, and a corkscrew. again, i can if the say this enough. switzerland, this is switzerland
who may i remind you didn't take a side when it came to hitler but they looked at russia and said, "ok, you've gone too far." this is like the dalai lama grabbin' a buck knife and an a.k. and screaming, "kill 'em all, let the buddha sort 'em out." that's not all. today, the international soccer organization fifa suspended russia and ejected it from the world cup. ( applause ) that's big. that's important, they care about that. >> jon: definitely a surprising move for soccer. they're famously "hands-off." some bans are hitting putin personally. last night, the international judo federation suspended him as its honorary president. in addition, today we learned he was banned from the global consortium of volcano-based supervillains. they released this statement: "mr. putin's actions in ukraine run counter to the values of our subterranean doom lairs. we are immediately recalling his
hairless cat." all these sanctions have apparently driven putin to the brink. yesterday, he ordered russian nuclear forces put on high alert. everybody doin' okay? for those of you younger than 50, everything's gonna be fine. if they launch the missiles, just remember to hide under your school desk. he explained his actions this way, not only do western actions "not only do western countries take unfriendly measures against our country in the economic dimension, i mean the illegal sanctions that everyone knows about very well. but also the top officials of leading nato countries allow themselves to make aggressive statements in regards to our country." ugh.
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to jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ( applause ) jon, jon, we got a lovely guest tonight we have a star from better call saul, can't wait to talk to him, folks, but first off i hope everybody here understands that we are not news, we here at the late show watch the news like you do and have a reaction like you do. and my reaction to this weekend is that no one has covered the big story, like the team over at cnn, put up that headline, executive producer and show runner of the late show chris lick has been selected as the next president of cnn. ( applause ) , thatright there.
good photo, good photo. that is what is called breaking news. our own chris licht, right over there at that podium is leaving this show to take over cnn. i trained the next president of cnn. so i believe, i believe, i believe legally cnn now stands for the colbert news network. ( cheers and applause ) now obviously, chris is still under contract so we will have to do this like a baseball trade. if cnn is taking chris, i'm going to take wolf blitzer's beard. anyone else, jon, do you have any plans to take over at msnbc. >> jon: not until i settle my beef with rachel maddow, that has to work out. >> stephen: we will miss all sorts of things about chris.
chris, your fleece vests, we will miss your strange loyalty to the folks at "untuck it." we'll miss your stories of how many billionaires you know. and i personally will miss the frantic flailing hand gestures when i go 38 minutes with neil degrasse tyson or even mention "the lord of the rings." and i know that all of us are really going to miss your "air maraca white boy frat shuffles." but most of all, most of all, chris, if i may, if i may call you chris, most of all we'll miss your tenacity in the face of opposition, whether you are going to bat with a network over how many times we can say "butt chug" on cbs or insisting that the staff order "meatball shop" for lunch whether we like it or not and for the record, "we not." here is the deal, you can take down-- i'm talking to the man himself right now, chris was a bit of a stickler for the rules, right, chris, you believe in the
rules. he always said at our staff party, have a good time, not a great time. but he's leaving so screw it. this christmas i'm inaugurating the chris lick commemorative, beer flume and on a personal i met chris over drinks, he seemed right for the job. but, and this is true. i wasn't sure where whether i would like him, if he would become frien allw foer an but i could tell he was right for the job because even though he came after some pretty prominent positions already, i mean scarborough time, he arrived knowing, knowing what he didn't know which was anything about come de or show business, so he approached the job with a level of humility that is rare in executives. but here is the thing. there are bosses. and then there are leaders. bosses tell you what to do.
leaders work as hard as you do to do what needs to be done. and that's what you did. and that is why your leadership that is why he earned the respect of all of us here who live in the clown talk, we showed him what we really wanted to do which is the show that we do now. and he immediately started-- the lines of communication, the lanes of responsibility and the respectful workplace that makes creative ambition here possible. i'm happy that cnn will now benefit from all of his wisdom. so i didn't know whether i would like him. six years later, i love you. ( applause ) and not-- and i love you, not for what you did for us, because
that will continue. i love you for the man you are. the doting, thoughtful and loving father and husband to your family. and the dear friend to me, for the rest of my life. thank you. ( applause ) oh, one more thing. one more thing. chris had a managerial role on the show, not a creative one, and he respected that line. he rarely weighed in about the content of this show. but there was one character we had on a few times a few years ago, kind of a kid rock ted nugent hybrid named, "shrieking joe: american dumb ass," all of us idiots in comedy really enjoyed shrieking joe, chris in america not so much. chris showed me the minute by minute ratings after the last time shrieking joe was on the show, he pointed out that joe made record numbers of people turn away from our show. turn off their tvs mid broadcast. people cram scrambled across to find their remote to escape what
we were offering them. and then chris asked me please never, ever have sleeking joe on again and i said okay, but is he leaving socker please welcome the new the p.m. anchor on cnn and chris lick's best friend, shrieking joe! >> hey, chris, i'm back! all right! yeah! how is it hanging? all right! how is it hanging, brother? fongo dongo! man, that is one sweet new gig! you know, you can't spell cailot tell you how good it feels to see you together again. >> i am coming with you! i was born for news! this is shrieking joe on location from "the bone zone," forecast calls for horny! hit it, jon!
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director, and actor from "mr. show," "nobody," and "better call saul." he's written a new memoir, "comedy comedy comedy drama." please welcome back to the late show, bob odenkirk! ( cheers and applause ) >> wow. i-- when yome ba from beyond the grave, you get applause. >> stephen: let's talk about that, because i don't know how i didn't know this. but when you were shooting this last season of better call. >> final season. >> stephen: better call saul, you had a heart attack on the
set, how are you doing? >> well, i'm alive. my heart's beating. check, double check. >> stephen: nice, yeah, yeah. >> doing good, man, every other minute you hear, you see a little thing, every other minute. i am doing great. i'm doing great. it is because i was very lucky because we had such great people around us. luckily i didn't go to my trailer and we weren't on location and as a result, we had the amazing, a woman named rosa estrada who was our health officer who came out and started cpr and did it right. and angie meyer who joined her and some other medics from the studio set around the location we were, who came and did cpr, so if you haven't brushed up on your cpr, do it, you can save a life. ( applause )
>> stephen: what was the experience of having a heart attack, not the moment itself, do you remember when it actually happened? >> i don't remember any of it. i don't remember the day it happened. and i don't remember the next week at all. but since then i have had such time and of course purpose to reflect on the reaction i got such love from people around the world and from the internet, that i don't deserve. and i can only tell you thank you so much. it means so much to me and for the rest of my life i will be thinking about the warmth that was sent my way when i went through that. ( applause ) >> stephen: i got to imagine, i got to imagine the experience like that makes you change how you approach your life. >> i'm drinking a lot more. you know what i am trying to do,
i appreciate my life more, appreciate the people in my life more. we race through life and if you are a busy person, you know, with many people are, we're driven to make it, but man, you got to appreciate every person you are around and you got to work to be present. so that is what i am trying to do. >> stephen: i know that. ( applause ) >> you don't have to clap. >> stephen: they do, legally they have to. you say that. >> don't put up the applause sign. >> stephen: this is the last time you ar playing saul goodman. >> yes, this is the last season, it say big season, 13 episodes and we just finished two and a half weeks ago the final scene. and i can't wait for-- well, let's see, six years of better call saul and four years of breaking bad. so really about, a about 150 or st years i have been playing this character. >> stephen: you are tired of him. >> sorry to see him go. >> stephen: is it one of those
things where i wish i could keep going. >> i mean i got into this business too do a variety of things which is one of the-- one of the-- i mean the book is about the variety of things i have gotten to do. >> stephen: that's a great segue. >> stephen: the book is called "comedy comedy comedy drama." and have i known you for a long time. have i known the comedy comedy comedy part of your career. i remember the first time i saw you was a show called half my face is a clown, chicago, it was really good, i loved the bazooka joe. >> tom and i wrote that. >> stephen: did you ever believe that it coo be part of comedy comedy comedy. >> never, i had one brain fart on stage at second city, we were improvising and it was wonderful fun and you spend hours on stage with second city and you think of your gross lee list. and i am doing this scene and
i'm just, hi this flash notion that if i was in that audience i would be watching chris farley and not that guy, me. you were a very good performer but you couldn't take your eyes off of chris. >> and i also had this strange thought at the time that if i was able, i tried drama i think i could be very effective. it just came to me in a flash. and i never pursued it. i only auditioned for a few drama rolls in my life, and i didn't audition for breaking bad. i don't know why they gave me that. i fully expected to be told when i landed in albuquerque, oh, this is the different bob eden-- odenkirk who went to julliard, you aren't the one, get out of here, so the drama was a real surprised for me, absolutely. >> stephen: well, in comedy comedy comedy i'm just wondering in the comedy comedy comedy part
of it has to do with the fact that you are in a big family. because i found when you are one of seven kids and i'm one of eleven. and there is a built-in audience. >> that is what it was. get to the table, with the mom there, no dad but seven people, and you can get up and walk to the other side of the kitchen and put on a show at dinner. and i had that captive audience. it was great fun. >> stephen: where do you fall. >> second oldest, so i was lucky. i don't know if i had it better than you but the baby of the family, you are going to get laughs, come on. you're going to. >> no, but the older kids. >> stephen: the older kids we younger one thinks you older kids hung the moon, we don't know. we don't know that you are not that great. >> all right. i think, i don't know, i think the baby get easy laughs. that is me, if i am at your house, i'm backstage, don't put
the baby on before me. i can't compete with that. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break but don't go anywhere, we'll be right back with more bob odenkirk, everybody. ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ new starbucks baya energy drink with caffeine naturally found in coffee fruit. its energy, that's good. can a company help you live a better? we're not talking about just any company. but the one in your neighborhood, and in 4,700 others just like yours. helping you live a little better every day. finished? of course not.
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the process of writing a book because you have written your whole career, you are a comedy writer. >> mostly i have written comedies most of my career. this was so hard. i mean it is lonely. that is number one. >> stephen: it is you and your life and you are the only one who knows. >> you and your life and your memories and thoughts. and honestly with all of the distractions, with social media, i couldn't focus, so i did what writers have done through time immemorial, i rented a cabin. and i just stuck myself there and i sat my ass down. and i looked at myself in the mirror. i said you get to work, mister and i just-- i just powered through. >> stephen: i understand and this is rare for somebody who is writing a book, i understand you bought a clip of you writing the book, we need to set this up. >> can i say i was so intrigued by my own process.
and i don't mean to crawl up my own ass here but i was so-- i was so in love with my own-- is that okay to say, i was in love with myself. >> stephen: understandable. >> and i just thought, if i could share with the world what it is like to really be a writer, a real writer, i would love to do that, so i made a little, i shot some footage. do you want to see this? ( applause ) it's a writer at work, let's watch, it's nothing. here we go.
crap! come on, what have you got for me? what have you got for me? >> we have a rough draft of chapter one. >> chapter one. what the heck. this isn't my childhood. what the hell are you doing, this is supposed to be my autobiography. >> we don't actually know your lie story. >> nobody does, that is why we are writing it, get to work, i want to hear thinking. click and clack, do you hear me? you are going to write. the only thing we have to eat in this cabin is mashed potatoes in giant buckets and that is all you will eat until i get an autobiography. hmmmm. what is this word. inconsolable-- what is this word. >> inconsolable. >> it is too long. this is an actor's memoir. dumb it down!
more crap, how about rehab, a chapter on rehab, anybody? heroin, oh no, no, no, it has been done, how about methadone that might get you high. >> how about cocaine. >> do i look like i'm 1990. that is 1970s crap, okay. go stand in the corner. face the lamp. no, no, no. that doesn't make me look good. that makes me look like a monster. what am i, a monster? >> no sir, mr. odenkirk. >> well then humanize me, you moron. humanize me. there is no feud, i need a celebrity feud, anything? >> anyone who did you have a feud with. >> i done know, you tell me. >> bryan cranston. >> bryan cranston, who is that. >> bryan from breaking bad. >> never saw it,e say in the corner.
>> again, i'm alone. this is crap! ( applause ) >> stephen: wow. >> that's how the sausage gets made, stephen. >> stephen: that was incredibly moving. i-- and i listened and i'm sure this is going to embarrass you but have i never seen anything like that. i want to take a moment right now to present you the bob odenkirk award for most yelling in a short film. there is no way-- bob, congratulations, man. >> i won the award that is named after me? >> stephen: it doesn't always happen.
>> it doesn't always happen. >> stephen: i will take it. i will take it. >> stephen: is there anything you want to say. >> i want to thank me and i want to thank the cabin in the woods. >> stephen: came through. >> really came through. >> stephen: bob, thank you, always a pleasure, the book is "comedy comedy comedy drama: a memoir" is available tomorrow. bob odenkirk everybody! we'll be right back.
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