tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS December 26, 2022 11:35pm-12:37am PST
>> the more the merrier. >> i like having a lot of people for the holidays and it probably felt unnerving to be hiding out by themselves in the house. thank you for watching. the late show with stephen captioning sponsored by cbs >> new classified documents-- lawyers for donald trump say they discovered material while searching a storage unit in west palm beach, florida. the items were reportedly found among a mix of boxes, gifts, suits, and clothes, including swords and wrestling belts. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> this season on "storage wars," a treasure seeker opens a unit in west palm beach and goes on the hunt. >> a witch hunt. >> i paid $1,100 for this unit. can't wait to get in there and dig around. >> who knows what he'll find. >> the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake. the beautiful letter from kim jong-un. my son, eric. >> dad? dad! it's dark in here! >> will he discover treasure, or
will it be a bust? >> so far, all i got is this sword, this wrestling belt, and these nuclear launch codes. >> it's all happening, on this season of "storage wars!" >> dad, i gotta go pee-pee! >> announcer: it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight: hoops, there she is! plus, stephen welcomes: alicia keys and eddie izzard featuring louis cato and the late show band. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! oh, thank you so much. it's wonderful to see you. please take a seat. ( cheers and applause )
( band playing ) good to see you. >> louis: good to see you, man. >> stephen: love the glasses. >> louis: oh, thank you, man! >> stephen: hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello, hello. >> audience: stephen! stephen. >> stephen: happy thursday! my friends! ( cheers and applause ) oh, my friends. good to see you again. ( cheers and applause ) up here, down there. all around. ♪ ♪ ♪ thank you, everybody. welcome, welcome, one and all to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. and here's something-- ( cheers and applause ) here's something you rarely hear: there's good news out of russia... ( laughter ) because this morning, wrongfully-detained w.n.b.a. star brittney griner was released from russian detention! ( cheers and applause ) boom! ( applause ) wow!
putin tried to take griner to the rack, and is rejected! now, brittney is coming home, but she has to dribble the entire time, or it is traveling. ( laughter ) it's is a big win. a big win for freedom. big win for joe biden, whose administration brokered the release. the president announced the news with this tweet: "moments ago, i spoke to brittney griner. she is safe. she is on a plane. she is on her way home." ( cheers and applause ) that is simple. simply stated. ( cheers and applause ) christmas miracle. that's just beautiful. i'm sure she got on the plane, and they said, "brittney, you can finally rest easy, after you take this 20-minute call about the rise and fall of scranton's historic taffy factories." ( laughter ) griner was detained back-- when was this? february? back in february, she was detained, and sentenced to nine years in prison after airport security found vape cartridges with 0.7 grams of cannabis oil in her luggage. they gave her hard time for seven-tenths of one gram. that's the amount of weed willie nelson scrapes out of his
belly button. ( laughter ) he just secretes it. it's like a tap. just-- there you go. thanks. hold still, willie. but now griner's heading home, after the white house agreed to a one-for-one prisoner swap for russian arms dealer viktor bout, whose nickname is the "merchant of death." so, to get a sports star who had less than one gram of weed, we handed over "the merchant of death." this is always how it always goes with russian prisoner swaps. ( russian accent ) "okay, we give you back tourist who took unflattering photo of red square. you release gargog the flesh- mangler. ( laughter ) devourer of souls." the prisoner exchange went down in abu dhabi, and griner is expected to be back on u.s. soil within 24 hours. welcome home, britney! a lot has changed. don't google "kanye hitler."
( laughter ) just, trust me. it's not worth it. i'll call you later. speaking of which, it has been a rough month for the former president. things got worser today, when we learned that the former president's team found two more documents with classified markings. is there any place this guy doesn't have classified documents? for him, it's like glitter. they just get everywhere! a month later, you're like, "why am i still finding nuclear secrets in my butt crack?" ( laughter ) this time-- this time-- this time, the documents were not in mar-a-lago or any of his other properties. instead, they were found in a florida storage unit. how fitting. the other guys have presidential libraries. he has a presidential cubesmart. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) the-- cubesmart. that's a funny word. ( laughter and applause ) cube-- cubesmart. bouillon cube. the former president's team is already making excuses for him.
one source says, "he has never been inside the storage fa classic legal argument. same reason you can't convict someone of mail fraud unless you catch them inside a mailbox. ( laughter ) this is just the latest in a series of bad headlines, what with him calling for the termination of the constitution and sharing nachos with nazis. now, you think he'd learn from that last one, but you're forgetting he is incapable of learning-- so it's not surprising that on tuesday, he was photographed with a qanon pizzagate conspiracy theorist at mar-a-lago. he'll hang out with anybody. his next mar-a-lago photo-op is with the merchant of death. ( laughter and applause ) next, it's gargog the flesh- mangler! the conspiracy theorist was there to promote a movie full of qanon lies and she brags that the movie is "banned by youtube, facebook, instagram, twitter, and paypal." first of all...
( laughter ) you can watch movies on paypal? ( laughter ) second, if you can't watch on paypal, what's left? do i have to stream it on grubhub? ( laughter ) doordash? these scandals have taken a toll on the former president's popularity. among his fellow republicans, it's gone from "maga!" to "mag-ehh." ( laughter ) and now some republicans are gearing up to challenge him. former national security adviser john bolton-- remember that guy? that guy says that if g.o.p. candidates won't denounce the ex-president, "i'm going to seriously consider getting in." makes sense. bolton already looks like a president... from 1886. ( laughter ) ( applause ) "that's right! that's right! if elected, all voters will receive a bolt of calico, a late-model butter-churn, and a kick from a handsome horse!" ( laughter )
there's a big story-- in character... not in character. ( laughter ) i do very deep work. there's a big story out of peru, because yesterday, peru's president was impeached and arrested after he tried to dissolve congress. so, you can take immediate action against a president who attacks congress? i thought you had to dither about it for two years until he has dinner with nazis and then still not do anything! the presidential-- ( cheers and applause ) dither! ♪ ♪ ♪ bouillon cube! ( cheers and applause ) presidential corruption has been an ongoing problem down in peru. in fact, they've now had five presidents in a little more than two years. they've had more presidents than we've had spider-men! ( laughter ) with great power comes great corruption. the president who got ousted this week was leftist politician pedro castillo, seen here demanding to know who stole his giant notepad. ( laughter )
castillo has a bit of a rocky reputation. since taking office about a year ago, he's been hounded by corruption charges, and yesterday, to stop a planned investigation of his administration, he announced the immediate dissolution of congress and said he would rule by decree, because congress was "overstepping its power." of course, because it was a peruvian coup, he immediately got the support of the "my alpaca guy." ( laughter and applause ) that would be comfy. i would sleep on an alpaca. >> louis: hey! >> stephen: after being detained, castillo was photographed in custody at a police station... or perhaps the waiting room of a chiropractor who believes in the power of angels. here's a fun fact: after peru's congress impeached him, castillo made a run for it, but he was caught because bad traffic appeared to prevent him from escaping. that's a traffic report i'd love to hear: "well, johnny, it's bumper to bumper out there due to a
wannabe-dictator jackknifed on the expressway. so if you're heading to machu picchu, you should have left in the year 1450." now, there's-- ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) there's some other big news, and it's calling from inside the news, because starting at midnight last night, "new york times" journalists and other staffers went on strike. which explains today's front page: "how do you work printer? janet usually does this! where janet?!" ( laughter ) janet! >> louis: janet! >> stephen: damn it! damn it, janet! the "new york times" union has been negotiating for better pay and benefits since last year, because staff compensation hasn't kept up with the paper's profits. in fact, some staffers had to take second jobs to make ends meet, which is why the new times square bubba gump shrimp mascot is paul krugman. ( laughter )
the-- i know, it's sad. it's sad. the union has asked readers not to cross the digital picket line by avoiding the "times" website, not using their cooking recipes, and breaking their wordle streak. noooo!! with four o's! that's a tough one to give up. without the wordle, what stupid achievement will we lord over our spouses? ( laughter ) still, in solidarity with the "new york times" union, we here at "the late show" are happy to fill the void for all you wordle nerdles, by launching the one-time-only colbertdle. ( laughter ) here's how she works: i'm thinking of a five-letter word. you guess one. let's try a round right now: everybody in the audience, shout out a five-letter word. >> audience: ( chaotic shouts ) >> stephen: one of you was correct. if you're playing at home, tweet your guess with the hashtag #colbertdle. tomorrow, we'll post the answer. "new york times," once you reach an agreement with your union, i will sell you colbertdle for $1 billion.
( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight! my guests are alicia keys and eddie izzard. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" join us, won't you? ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ this book has helped me reach so many young homeowners who o have becomome their papa. hey, what't's the lowewest you'o on o one of thesese mugs? ah, rememembe- no h haggling inin st. oh, yeah, , chapter sisix, yep. they mayay have readad the , but ththey still h have a a long way t to go. was hopiping to gett your j john hancocock on therer. wewell, let's s just cat a sisignature. i i noticed ththere weren'n't any refreseshments, so i'm'm just gonnnna e a cocouple of snsnac. folks,s, the line'e's in shamb, lelet's tuck i it in. -sirir? -come on, , come on.
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♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! give it up for louis cato and the late show band right there! ( applause ) louis, louis, i gotta say-- i gotta say that you guys-- you always look fantastic over in the band. but you are looking a little bit extra spiffy tonight. >> louis: why, thank you. >> stephen: is that because we have "the late show" holiday party tonight. is that why you're looking so nice? i see a lot of purples going on. very nice. it's a holiday party.
you know what we say around here-- have a good time, not a great time. >> louis: because you have to come back. >> stephen: great time usually means there's some trouble. "how was the party?" "it was good." ( laughter ) tonight, speaking of good and great, we have two amazing performers out here tonight. eddie izzard, comedian, actor, activist, writer. ( applause ) she's out here tonight. and the one, the only, the great new york's own, alicia keys will be out here in a little while. ( cheers and applause ) also performing. also performing. got a new christmas album. >> louis: i heard. >> stephen: folks, if you watch, you know i spend most of my time over in the news kitchen, sweating the day's biggest story shallots, adding a chiffonade of tarragon and chervil, creating a reduction of champagne vinegar and louis jadot chardonnay, whisking in the yolks of orpington hen eggs, then emulsifying it with clarified rodolphe le meunier butter to bring you the michelin star
"sauce bearnaise" that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, just sometimes, folks, i crash a stolen dune buggy into a compost tanker, scrape together some pumpkin husks, grass clippings, and fish heads, boil it all in a hubcap over an oil drum fire with some fireball and mountain dew code red, then let america keg-stand the botulism-laced chum gravy of news that is my segment: ♪ ♪ ♪ "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) i'll take what i can get! always, always a joy. meanwhile, uber is launching self-driving cars in las vegas, because you know what they say: "what happens in vegas, will probably kill some pedestrians." ( laughter ) meanwhile, in competitive eating news, on tuesday, joey chestnut dominated the cleveland cavaliers' pierogi-eating competition. okay, there's a lot to unpack here. joey chestnut is a competitive
competitive eater most famous for the nathan's hot dog championship contest, and the cavaliers are an n.b.a. basketball team. and a pierogi-eating contest is a cry for help. ( laughter ) all in all, chestnut pounded 47 pierogies while his three competitors ate 33 pierogies combined! he ate more than all three of those adult men. i'd say he put them to shame. but if you're eating double- digit pierogies, shame is where you live. ( laughter ) meanwhile, in food news, hellmann's wants you to put mayo in your eggnog this holiday season. ( audience reacts ) no. ( laughter ) meanwhile, in museum news, the "ripley's believe it or not" museum in atlantic city is about to close. apparently, the museum's founders failed to anticipate how many people would choose "or not." ( laughter )
meanwhile, new research from the journal "science" found that for most healthy adults, drinking eight cups of water a day is completely unnecessary and is misguided, in part because it doesn't take into account all the water that we get from our food. which is why i will ask ben & jerry's to re-release americone dream with the new label "technically, an excellent source of water." ( cheers and applause ) mmm. ( cheers and applause ) mmm. time to hydrate. ( laughter ) mmm. mmm. mmm. mmm. ( laughter ) nothing cleanses the palate like some dairy.
ladies and gentlemen, my first guest tonight is a 15-time grammy award-winning artist who has sold over 65 million records worldwide. please welcome back to "the late show," alicia keys! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> yay! this is a good, good vibe. >> stephen: it is a good vibe. i like all the sparkles. >> i brought some holiday cheer for you. >> stephen: you did, exactly. you're like a lit-up christmas tree. >> i am.
>> stephen: honest to god, we couldn't have anybody-- >> it was weird. >> stephen: i just talk at it. i don't know how it works! and so, you were very good. you calmed me down, actually. you were my sensei. >> i'm here for you. >> stephen: you led me through some meditations. do you remember that? >> i remember this. i was in my house, obviously. you were in your house. i think you gave everybody my telephone number. like, you violated, man. >> stephen: i apologize. i apologize. but you got me to breathe and you wanted me to manifest and express too the universe what i wanted to bring into my life. and i said, "i want a live studio audience." ( laughter ) i think you manifested these people for me. >> we manifested! ( cheers and applause ) you know what?
we're so glad you're back too. we're happy to be back. we're so happy that you're back. glad to be in front of everybody. i'm big on manifestation. i'm big on affirmations and mantras, like i'm strong, capable, and able. like, i'm complex, layered and defined. >> stephen: complex, layered and devine. >> yes. >> stephen: that sounds like a wonderful cake. >> no, that's me! >> stephen: oh, okay. >> and you! >> stephen: your facial caroline. can you do anything for my t- zone? because i got variable. i got some oily, some dry. >> i have cleanser, rich transformation skin cream for you. > stephen: hook me up. let's manifest. >> i got you, baby! >> stephen: speaking in front of and manifesting a live audience, your world tour, for the first time since 2013. >> can anybody-- i don't know what happened to time. first of all, we can all agree that three years, we can let it go. three years of all the times we were just experiencing a whole
world pandemic is not to be counted. but it's been a long time since i was on tour. so going on tour this summer, i was with my family for the first time, all of us togther on tour. my seven-year-old learned how to ride a bike without training wheels in bordeaux, france. ( cheers and applause ) i was like-- >> stephen: sure. who doesn't? >> that's not how i learned how to ride my bike! >> stephen: 12 years ago, your 12 years the last time you toured was three. this is your son, egypt. >> yes. >> stephen: but he plays piano. he played-- he went up there and played a song in front of 17,000 people. where was that? >> this was in manheim, germany. let me tell you a quick story-- >> stephen: i have a photo while you're telling the story. >> okay. ever since egypt was a kid, he's always been wanting to perform. he wants to get on the stage and he wants to do the dance. and i'm like, "egypt, you have to practice. practice something we can try it." this time he was like, "i want to get on stage." i said put together something. he puts together three or four
anime songs and he finishes with "game of thrones." ( laughter ) no, guys! he organized it himself. he said i'm ready. i said come to sound-check. make sure you feel good. when you come out, you have to say, what's up, man! hi!" you have to engage the audience. so we work on it and he does the sound check and he's a tiny bit rusty, but he sounded good. i say to his dad, let's have him wait. and he was like, he's ready tnight. and i was like are you sure? i was all, mom. he said he's ready. i asked egypt, do you want to do it? he said i'm ready. i said are you sure? you can wait. i was being all mommy. he said i can do it. i get on stage, and i said, ladies and gentlemen give it up for my son egypt. he's going to play for you! he comes out, "what's up, manheim!" he goes to the piano, and he's like, "you guys ready for this?" and i was like... ( laughter )
>> stephen: were you ready for this? >> i was not ready. i left the stage to get changed, and the boy killed it. i couldn't believe it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. that's nice. you could hear it. you could hear it. we have to take a quick break, but come on back, because we'll be here with more alicia keys, everybody. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
man: i''m not t slowing down a anytime soooon. that''s why y i take ososteo bi-flelex every dad. it's s clinicallyly shown to i improve joioint cocomfort in 7 7 days, and d continues s to imimprove overer time. kinda a like us. osteo bibi-flex. finind our cos in sundaday's papaper. >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with alicia keys, with a new christmas album, "santa baby."
>> look at that! >> stephen: there you go. it's got "santa baby" "christmastime is here" "please come home for christmas" some original songs. "ave maria." so, now, why, why-- i was saying to louis, these are going into rotation for me this christmas. >> absolutely. >> stephen: why did you want to do a christmas album? >> i always talked about it. he said "alicia you need to do a christmas album. it will be so cool." and i said i'll do it. i'll get to it. and this year felt right. obviously this time of year is so special. all of the songs that create our memories. i want to be a parent of that. i want to be a part of that. i want to be part of something that creates memories for people. this album is so good. you can play it while making dinner, sitting by the fire, while you're hanging out with your kids. you can play it at any moment. and it just feels good. >> stephen: i am happy to have it, i am having trouble getting intothe holiday spirit.
>> why? >> stephen: i'm too busy. too many things going on. and i need to slow down and appreciate that you only get so many of these in your life. >> i feel you. i think that's the most beautiful part. i think a lot of times, we get caught up with "what can we get the person" and "do i have enough money to buy the thing?" and it ruins kind of the point of it all. >> stephen: what should i get my wife for christmas? do you have any idea? hold on one second. ev? don't watch this part. >> ev, i was about to go in for you, some cars, some diamonds! go in for ev! >> stephen: there it is. a diamond-encrusted car. that's what it is. is there a song-- is there anything-- these are great songs. are there any big christmas songs that didn't make the cut that you wish you had another track for? >> i had a moment where i was going to do a mash-up with "ave maria" and "fallen," because i thought that it would be a beautiful moment. it didn't end up working out for the album, but i have decided to do it live.
in fact, i'm doing a holiday masquerade ball on saturday. and i'm going to do-- you have to get dressed up and have a mask. and it's going to be amazing. you should come. but-- >> stephen: where can we come? >> oh, sorry, you don't know where. it's in washington heights at the united palace theater. i'm doing a whole christmas in new york theme. very harlem, washington heights. it's super great. and i'm going to perform that there. so even though it's not on the album, you can potentially hear a live version of it. >> stephen: there you go. so you've collaborated with a lot of incredible people. one person that you collaborated with is, i'm an enormous fan of, not only her music but her as a person-- you and brandy carlisle. >> love brandy carlisle! ( cheers and applause ) i love her! >> stephen: you collaborate with her on "a beautiful noise" in 2020. is she-- did you ever hear her or see her do any of joni mitchell's "blue?" because she did the whole album. >> i just realized she did the entire album. i know that she loves joni.
she talks about joni so much. and i know she covered "blue." but i didn't realize it was the entire-- i didn't put that together. >> stephen: is there some artist out there that you love so much you're like, i'd like to recreate that entire album as an homage to that person? >> i feel like if i was to pick one, it would probably have to be, like, "songs in the key of life." >> stephen: ooooh. ah >> what do you think? >> stephen: yeah. >> i'll tell you what, it wouldn't be easy though. it wouldn't be easy. that would be hard. because there is nobody who can play like stevie wonder, period, end of story. you can try as hard as you can, but you're not going to get that chord exactly right. so that would be amazing. >> stephen: you're going to be performing for us tonight. what are you going to be doing for the people out here and the people on the tv? ( cheers and applause ) >> yay! i'm going to do "santa baby." i'm definitely honoring the goddess, eartha kitt, and it's going to be incredible. i can't wait for this. are you all ready for this?
therere's a difffferent y toto treat hiviv. it's evevery-other-m-month, ininjectable c cabenuva. fofor adults w who are undetetectable, cacabenuva is s the only c com, longng-acting hihiv treatmt you can geget every otother m. cabenunuva helps keepep me undetetecta. it's t two injectitions, giveny mymy healthcarare providere, everery other momonth. it's onene less thining to k ababout while e traveling.. hiv pipills aren't't on my mi. a ququick changege in my plas is n no big dealal. don't receive e cabenuva if you're allerergic to itsts ingredienents or takaking certaiain medici, which h may interaract with cabenenuva. serious siside effectsts ince allergicic reactionsns post-injnjection reaeaction, livever problemsms, and dedepression.. if y you have a a rash and or allelergic reactction sympto, stop c cabenuva anand get memedical helplp right awaw. tell youour doctor i if you e liliver problelems or menental healthth conce, and if youou are pregngnan, breastfefeeding, or consisidering preregnanc. some of ththe most comommon sidede effects inclclude injectction-site reactions,s, fever, a and tiredneness. if you swiwitch to cababenu, attend allll treatmentnt apappointmentsts. every y other montnth, and i'm gogood to go.. ask your d doctor abouout every-y-other-montnth cabenu.
ladies and gentlemen, folks, my next guest is an emmy winner and tony nominee who has performed in four different languages in over 45 countries. she now stars in a solo stage production of "great expectations" here in new york. please welcome back to "the late show," eddie izzard. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nice to see you. >> very good to be here. >> stephen: now, the last time we were together was 2017. and at the time, if you remember, you said, within four to five years-- and it has been five years-- you would be running for parliament. >> yeah. >> stephen: you are one of your word. because on sunday you had your primary election. here is a pamphlet. this proves you were running for office. >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) but we should add to this-- >> stephen: primary, primary was sunday. how did it go?
>> i didn't get it. i came second. but it's the great people in the city of sheffield. and people-- you may not know sheffield so well. but it's got a great heart, great character. it was a steel city, and the steel industry went away from britain. and they reinvented themselves. high energy, two great universities, a lot of great talent there. so it's where you went to. where i went to for my degree when i was doing accounting and financial management. >> stephen: you have an accounting degree? something to fall back on? >> well, i dropped out after one year, just like steve jobs and bill gates did. >> stephen: very similar. very similar. >> well, i knew i wanted to perform. when did you know you wanted to perform? >> stephen: when i ended up being the youngest of 11 children. that's when. there was always an audience there. >> seven years old, mom died when i was six, seven years old. i lost the love and affection of mom.
and suddenly there was an audience giving out love and affection and i said i think i need that and it locked on in. and i had to pretend, yes, i'll go to university. but i was never-- >> stephen: do you get that, i lost my father and a couple of my brothers when i was young and that led me to keep my mom happy. that was the beginning of my performing, i think, when i was around 10. but did you then-- did that supplant that love, or did that feed that missing piece of you sincerely, i mean? or was it like a ghost you were chasing? >> i think it was a ghost i was chasing. i have tried to do amazing things. you know, i have been running multiple marathons and stuff and performing, as you said, in multiple languages. and in my documentary that was done on me, it was about trying to do enough so that maybe mom could see that stuff was happening that was different, and she could see from beyond, you know, wherever. but i, unfortunately, don't think-- you know, i think mom's gone. but she's in here. and i'm trying-- i'm trans-- i knew i was trans when i was four or five. yeah, but i tried to lead a positive life, being honest,
being out for 37 years, acting and doing stand-up comedy, which are quite different things. >> stephen: very much so. i never did stand-up. i admire people who have done it. because it seems a bit of a lonely thing. >> it can be. i'm happy. i feel like i'm with the audience. in mine, stand-up i'm talking complete nonsense with pigs and space and the banjos, and the audience is there, and in drama, it's a different thing. dickens is a drama. it's not a comedy. >> stephen: let's get to that right here. you are also, besides running for office-- i do want to ask you about that in just a moment, about that. but you are also at the greenwich house theater here downtown in new york. you are doing a one-person adaptation of the dickens classic "great expectations." >> yeah. >> stephen: okay, so i-- ( applause ) dickens fans. a lot of dickens fans here tonight. >> well, people have already-- patrick stuart has been doing "christmas carol." a number of people have been doing "christmas carol."
so, the idea of doing solo shows has happened before. it's just the interesting thing on this is i'm using richard pryor's stand-up technique which has infused my stand-up. richard used to do this thing-- if you watch richard pryor live, i think it's talking about two african american guys hunting. and one says give me the gun. i haven't got the gun. you haven't got the gun? and it's the talking of two characters, slightly different voices and postures talking to each other. with the turning. and i thought, i like that. i come from sketch comedy and i'll do it in my stand-up. and i realized with the dickens i could do it in the dickens dramatically. and they're talking to each other, with this, change the attitude, the voice, and i just get all the characters talking to each other that way. sometimes up to five or six characters. >> stephen: do you ever get confused? >> yes, all the time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: on stage, on stage. >> yes, in life. >> stephen: come on, let's sell some tickets.
let's build expectations for this. >> build great expectations for this. >> stephen: how great are these expectations? >> you want me to tell the story? >> stephen: yes. >> if you don't know the story, it's kind of a-- well, it's a rags-to of-riches story, a kid growing up from an apprentice to a blacksmith. he gets the money and thinks it's from a cranky old lady who lives in the house with a beautiful adopted daughter. but it isn't. and he becomes a guy throwing money left, right, and center. he thinks money will make him happy. it doesn't in the end. and he learns the lessons and he tries to become a decent human being by the end of the story. it's one of his more advanced stories, his latest stories. and it's a great-- it's a great epic. >> stephen: well, i want to ask you back about the politics for just one second here. >> because you have politics in your country, too. >> stephen: we do have politics here. i don't want to talk about politics in my country other than this-- you have a successful career. >> yes. >> stephen: you make things better for people by doing your comedy, as you said. you're not alone, they're not
alone, because they're with you in the theater. why do you want to do politics? have you spent time with these people? because i admire people who trying to do the right thing. i just meet so few of them. is your politics different from our politics? >> no, it's the same thing. i mean, there are certain politicians who decided they could do lying instead of, you know, telling the truth. and you've got donald trump on your side. and we had boris johnson on our side, the tweedle dum and tweedle dee of "pants on fire" politics, you know? ( cheers and applause ) and it kind of attracts people who have personality, who have ego, but decide i'm just going to lie my way through the whole of this, and it appeals to certain people because it appeals to a certain base. i'm a radical but moderate, i'm running 130 marathons making money for charities around the world. it's pretty moderate in intention, but a radical thing to do. it's out there. but it's a beautiful thing and salutes nelson mandela. >> stephen: how are your knees? >> my knees are fine bizarrely.
i don't know why. but my knees keep going. >> stephen: are you still running? >> i'm going to keep doing marathons forever. >> stephen: not forever. >> after death, it will be harder, but maybe someone can push me around. ( laughter ) >> stephen: rub the ashes on them and they run around. >> i believe i have energy. i have analysis. you know, i came out as trans 37 years ago trying to show leadership and say, trying to make a space for myself. and if anyone else is thinking i'm trans and they want to come out, they can say i'm a bit like that person and we can move forward. because no one was discussing trans back in '85. >> stephen: i like to think of myself as a bit like eddie izzard. >> in a positive way, trying things different ways, pushing out. yeah, yeah, there are a number of us out there, trying to get ourselves in a good place, and trying to reach out, can we help anybody else, help bring people up, make connections rather than break them? can we learn from you? can you learn from us? so that's my politics.
so i'm going to keep pushing until i get into parliament and try to keep making things better for people. >> stephen: eddie, lovely to see you. ( cheers and applause ) "great expectations" begins tomorrow at the greenwich house theater in new york. eddie izzard, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by alicia keys. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
>> stephen: and now, performing the title track from her holiday album, "santa baby," alicia keys. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> hello, santa. is this really you? uh... well, i know that you're not supposed to do this, but i do have a little list. and i've been such a good girl! i know i deserve it. do you wanna hear it? ♪ santa baby just slip a sable ♪ under the tree
for me ♪ been an awful good girl santa baby ♪ so hurry down the chimney tonight ooh ♪ santa baby just a simple project ♪ one for fun i'll wait up for you, dear ♪ santa baby so hurry down the chimney ♪ tonight yeah ♪ think of all the fun i've missed ♪ think of all the fellas that i haven't kissed ♪ next year could be just as good ♪ if you check off my
christmas list ♪ santa baby i want a yacht and really, ♪ that's not a lot ♪ been an angel all year santa baby ♪ and hurry down the chimney tonight oh, yeah, yeah ♪ santa cutie and fill my stocking with the ♪ duplex and checks ♪ sign your "x" on the line santa cutie ♪ and hurry down the chimney tonight, yeah ♪ won't you come and come and come and come ♪ come and trim my christmas tree
♪ with some decorations bought at tiffanys ♪ i really do believe in you let's see if you ♪ believe in me santa baby ♪ forgot to mention one little thing ♪ a ring i don't mean on the phone ♪ santa baby and hurry down the chimney tonight ♪ hurry down the chimney tonight santa, baby, won't you hurry ♪ come and see me hurry down the chimney tonight ♪ hurry down the chimney
tonight ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: check out another performance on colbertlateshow.com. alicia keys, everybody! that's it for "the late show." good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ ♪ ♪ >> reggie: ♪ yeah! that's right. it's the james corden show. the "late late show."