tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC November 29, 2016 12:37am-1:37am PST
?? >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- vince vaughn, chief anchor of abc news, george stephanopoulos, comedian liza treyger, featuring the 8g band with hannah welton. ?? [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. let's get to the news. the chicago cubs won the world series last night against the cleveland indians. it's so great, because if the cubs can win the world series,
oh, [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause ] [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] following the chicago cubs victory in game 7 of the world series last night, hillary clinton tweeted a message of support saying, quote, "way to make history, cubs." while donald trump tweeted, "polls show i won world series. crooked cubs belong in jail." [ laughter and applause ] so the indians lost last night. while other minorities will find out if they lost on tuesday. [ laughter and applause ] authorities are investigating why an official fbi twitter account, that have been dormant for over a year, suddenly posted several tweets praising donald trump. oh, you don't know why? well, take your time.
[ laughter and applause ] donald trump will reportedly hold a small gathering on election night instead of a large celebration, because he is superstitious. oh, sorry, i read that wrong. super racist. [ laughter ] former kkk leader, david duke, told reporters today that if he his elected to the senate he would be donald trump's most loyal advocate. when asked what he'd do if trump loses, duke said, "i'll bu [ laughter ] "the economist" magazine endorsed hillary clinton for president this week. while donald trump was endorsed by "shootin' at stop signs gazette." [ laughter ] and finally, a cafe in switzerland that was supposed to offer men oral sex along with their coffee, is considering replacing sex workers with
"yeah, but how's the coffee," asked nobody. [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, we have a great show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] he is one of my favorite actors. he's in an incredible new movie called "hacksaw ridge." the fantastic vince vaughn is here tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we also have the chief anchor of abc news. george stephanopoulos is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have stand-up comedy from liza treyger. it's a great show. with the election still five days away, republicans are already threatening years of political paralysis if hillary clinton wins. with some promising to block her supreme court nominees for years and others saying she should be impeached. for more on this, it's time for "a closer look." ?? [ applause ] >> seth: we're in the home stretch and both sides are in overdrive doing everything they can to get people to vote.
that if they went to the polls to vote early, they could also go to taco bell and get a free taco thanks to a world series promotion. >> because i've been watching the world series, i'm aware that because francisco lindor stole second base in game one, everyone in america gets a free taco at taco bell tomorrow. [ cheers ] [ laughter ] i about the free taco, look at him! i have never seen anybody so excited about a free taco. this guy right here. >> seth: although to be fair, they shouldn't -- [ laughter ] they shouldn't make joe biden stand in the crowd like that. [ laughter and applause ] but what --
out and vote. we have to stop an insane man from having the nuclear codes." and people go, "eh." but you say, "free taco," and they're all, "yes, we can!" [ laughter ] now in the closing stretch, the campaign of course has been dominated by the news that suddenly the very chatty fbi has discovered more e-mails potentially related to hillary clinton's private server. and republicans are pulling out all the stops. in fact today texas senator ted cruz, who once called trump a pathological liaaf attacked his wife and accused his dad of being involved in the assassination of jfk, campaigned for trump in iowa. and as he was getting ready to board the jump jet, cruz pushed back on suggestions he wasn't fully behind trump. >> some of you guys are wanting to write stories suggesting divisions among republicans. i'll make a point i'm getting ready to get on a gigantic airplane that has donald trump's name painted on the side of it. >> seth: "in fact this is very similar to the airplane lyndon johnson was sworn in on
[ laughter ] nonetheless, the investigation of hillary's e-mails is a political gift for trump, as long as he can stay on message and not say anything crazy. a task apparently so difficult for him, trump had to give himself a pep talk on stage at a rally in florida yesterday. >> in six days we are going to win the great state of florida. and we are going to win the white house. it's feeling like it already, isn't it? we've got to be nice and cool. nice and cool. right? stay on point, donald. stay on point. [ laughter ] no side tracks, donald. nice and easy. >> seth: he had to talk to himself about acting sane like he's on a diet. [ laughter ] "okay, donald, there is cake in the break room, but you don't
a moment on the lips, a lifetime on the hips. [ applause ] it's swimsuit season, donald. it's swimsuit season." but the problem isn't trump's straying off message, the problem is his message. he is trying to cast hillary clinton as a potentially illegitimate president who would be mired in legal crisis for years. and his rhetoric, and that of the people around him, has become increasingly rabid and unhinged. at a recent rally in nevada, for example, one of trump's warm up speakers was right wing media personality wayne allyn root. and by the way, when there your name is wayne allyn root there are two careers available to you. right wing radio host or river city strangler. [ laughter ] root described this fantasy he had about hillary and a key aide. >> i heard a rumor, i don't know if you heard this rumor, but while we're all gathered here, all the networks have wall-to-wall coverage of a live police chase and it's hillary in
she's got -- she's got huma driving and they're headed for the mexican border. i have the name, i have the name, i have the name for the future tv movie. it's called "driving miss hillary." and the ending, if we all get our wish, the ending is like 'thelma and louise.'" all want to be "thelma and louise." [ light laughter ] also i don't know why you'd bring up "driving miss daisy." wasn't that a movie about a black man who helps a white lady get where she wants to go? [ laughter and applause ] that's the last movie you should be bringing up. and then there have been calls to violence from trump supporters if he loses. for example, former gop congressman joe walsh recently tweeted that if trump loses,
walsh was asked about that comment on msnbc this week and wasn't especially convincing in trying to defend it. >> why tweet that? why put that out there? >> well, first off, it's a musket. it's a -- craig it's a metaphor. it's a call to arms. >> you could understand why a lot of folks have a problem with that. especially considering the current political climate that we're in. >> craig, i said musket. if i had said gun, that's one thing. >> a musket is a gun. >> no, no. , why the hell would i advocate anybody to grab a musket? nobody can find a musket anywhere, craig. i challenge to you find a working musket. >> seth: why does he have to find you a musket? [ laughter ] this isn't a scavenger hunt. and once you find the musket, you have to find an autographed photo of luke perry. [ laughter ] the republicans are using increasingly unhinged rhetoric to warn about the consequences of electing hillary. many are even threatening to
office. and if they can't do that, they'll settle for the next best thing -- preventing her from filling any vacancy on the supreme court for her entire four-year term. >> in recent days a number of sitting gop senators, including ted cruz, john mccain, and richard burr have voiced support for blocking any clinton nominee to supreme court forever. >> if hillary clinton becomes president, i will do everything i can do to make sure that four years from now we still have an >> seth: four years. poor merrick garland. do you remember him? the guy obama nominated to fill the seat eight months ago? he is probably just wandering around the halls of congress like tom hanks in "the terminal." [ laughter ] the hypocrisy here is especially brazen when you consider the republicans excuse for not confirming garland in the first place was that we should wait for the election and let the voters decide who they want to fill the seat. >> the american people should be
>> we think that the american people need a chance to weigh in on this issue. >> let's let the american people decide. >> it ought to be put off out of this toxic arena right now and put off until after the election. >> this should be a decision for the people, george. let the election decide it. >> seth: "that's right. let the election decide, just like my dad decided to kill jfk." [ laughter ] trump and the gop have destroyed some of our most important political norms. anyone they disagree with. and if they don't get to wield power, they want to paralyze the government so no one can. you would think that would be enough to get people to the polls. you know, that or -- >> everyone in america get's a free taco at taco bell tomorrow. >> seth: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] this has been "a closer look." ?? we'll be right back with more "late night," everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
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and switch to verizon. ?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. and please, give it up for the 8g band right over there. [ cheers and applause ] also, we've been incredibly lucky all week long to have an incredible musician sitting in with the 8g band. she is the former drummer for music legend prince. and the first single from her new husband and wife duo,
hannah welton, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for a fantastic week, and please come back soon. now, if you have been following the news lately, then you know that last week was one of -- >> all right pal, take a hike. >> seth: um, sorry? what's going on over there? >> oh, sorry seth. someone's trying to get into the vip area. >> seth: jim, there's no vip area at our show. what are you talking about? >> i got your handwritten note, saying that you wanted me to rope off the vip area just for your nephew, derrick. it's got your signature and everything. [ laughter ] >> seth: derrick, get over here! [ audience oohs ] i am so sorry about this, everyone. my 14-year-old nephew, derrick, is in town, and i promised his mom i'd look after him. but it looks like i can't leave him alone for two seconds. so now he has to sit here with me at the desk where he can't get into any trouble. [ laughter ]
>> i like your make-up. >> seth: uh-huh. eric -- i mean, derrick, what are you doing? why are you -- [ laughter and applause ] derrick, why do you think you deserve a vip section? >> well, as you just illustrated, i've sort of been getting bullied a lot. and i've been getting bullied a lot at school specifically. and i just thought if i had my own safe space, maybe like people would leave me alone. so didn't -- [ audience aws ] i didn't know you were getting bullied at school. why didn't you tell me, bud? >> because i don't know, it's embarrassing. >> seth: no, buddy, look, i can help you handle bullies. i know how to handle bullies. >> yeah, that's nice uncle seth, but i don't need to know how to curl up into a ball and scream like a girl. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, you know what. derrick, i can teach you how to talk yourself out of bad situations with bullies. >> really? >> seth: yeah. i do this for a living. i talk to people for my job. and i'm pretty good at it.
i'll pretend to be you, okay? >> okay. um, hey, dork face, why are you such a dork? >> seth: and then well, you know what i would say to that, i'd say, "i'd rather be a dork than rude and mean. so why don't you get out of my face?" >> huh. yeah. okay. i guess i could see that's pretty good. >> seth: yeah. >> could we try switching roles? >> seth: okay, sure. uh, yes so i'll be the bully. hey, derrick, your hair looks whack! >> yeah? well at least i'm not some big-nose celebrity ass-kisser giving tug-jobs to d-listers while my balls sit in a jar on lorne michaels's book shelf. [ laughter ] get out of my face, second-rate jimmy fallon. [ applause ] >> seth: jesus, derrick. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, that felt really empowering, uncle seth.
>> well, you said my hair was whack. >> seth: yeah, but then you said a bunch of super specific stuff. are you even getting bullied at school? >> yes! >> actually, he's not getting bullied. in fact, he's the biggest bully in school. >> seth: i'm sorry, who are you? >> i'm his principal. and he was supposed to be in detention today, but someone took him out of school. >> seth: oh, my god. let me guess, you got a handwritten note with my signature on it? >> no, just this voice mail. [ beep ] >> oh, hi principal sheila. yeah, this is derrick's uncle. television's seth meyers. yeah, i'm gonna need to take derrick out of school for a couple of days on account of i just got stung by a bunch of jelly fish. and uh, it stings pretty bad. and i need derrick to pee on me until it feels better. [ laughter ] i just got to have that pee-pee. so, thanks for understanding. uh, i love you, bye-bye.
jelly fish. >> oh, so you just want to get peed on for no reason? >> seth: no. [ light laughter ] no i -- >> i -- i -- can explain. >> seth: thank you, derrick. >> so some people find that the only way they can reach sexual climax is by getting urinated on. >> seth: no, no, derrick. [ laughter ] derrick, what's the matter with you? this isn't the kid -- [ laughter ] buddy. it isn't. the kid i know had a good heart. remember when we went to the susset county pumpkin' chunkin'? you gave your binoculars to that little kid so they could watch em' shoot the pumpkin out of the cannon. you remember that? what happened to that kid i knew? >> well, the truth is, i know i shouldn't have done that stuff. i guess i was just acting out, because last week you missed my
>> i looked out into the audience and i saw one empty seat, and i knew. >> seth: oh, gosh, derrick. now i completely understand why you're upset. i can't believe i forgot about your recital. >> i even dedicated a song to you. [ laughter ] but you weren't there. i guess i could play it for you now. you could use eli's keyboard. >> that's okay. i brought my own. roll it on out, alex. >> seth: you, wait -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: you brought your own baby grand piano? >> yeah, i bring it everywhere i go. i practice a lot. so can i play you a song? [ cheers and applause ] this is dedicated to my uncle seth.
? we all need somebody to pee on ? ? we might have a problem that you'd understand we all need somebody to pee on ? ? pee on seth pee on his face and in his hair all over his body ? and i'm gonna need somebody to pee on ? ? just call on me brother when you need a friend we all need somebody to pee on ? ? i just might have a problem that you'd understand we all need somebody
>> everybody sing! ? pee on his face and in his hair all over his body ? ? for it won't be long i'm gonna need somebody to pee on ? ? pee on seth pee on his face ? >> sing! ? and in his hair all over his body ? ? for it won't be long that i'm gonna need somebody to pee on ? ? pee on come on now pee on pee on pee on ?
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is a very talented actor who you know from the films "wedding crashers" and "old school." he stars in mel gibson's world war ii drama, "hacksaw ridge", which is in theaters tomorrow. let's take a look. >> gentlemen, i want you to meet
apparently, private doss does not believe in violence. he does not practice violence. he will not even deign to touch a weapon. you see, private doss is a conscientious objector. so i plead with you, do not look to him to save you on the battlefield. because he will undoubtedly be too busy wrestling with his conscience to assist -- >> sarge, that's not true, sarge. >> private! as you were! >> seth: please welcome to the show, vince vaughn, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ?? ??
>> seth: i love it. >> i am exhausted. this is the very last show i'm doing on a very long press tour. >> seth: yep. >> but i made a commitment. i'm not going to come -- not come see seth meyers. i adore seth meyers. >> seth: thank you. >> as we all know, this is a gentleman that likes to charm in front of camera. but some of you might not know, pretty good gunslinger with the writing behind the camera. >> seth: well, thank you. >> and i said, i can't not come to the show, but i am gonna to be honest with you, i have no idea what the name of the show is, seth meyers. >> seth: oh, my goodness. well i -- this, i cannot tell you, we're going to give you a cut of the merch that we sell tonight, because this is -- not a lot of people promote the merch. >> i will give you the jacket off of my back if you could tell me the name -- >> seth: oh, my goodness. this is fantastic. >> of the show. i have no idea -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you so much for this. this is going to be big for us. >> it is great to be here. >> seth: it's great to have you here. >> and thank you so much for this wonderful knickknack in my room. i thought, "why let this go to waste?" >> seth: yeah. >> what good is a flower if it's not smelled? [ light laughter ]
>> and i thought, you know what, stylists be damned, i'm going to seth meyers -- i'm going seth meyers tonight. >> seth: because i will say -- [ cheers and applause ] sometimes, sometimes you'll see someone in the hat, someone in a t-shirt. very rarely the full set. >> well, guess what? checkmate. >> seth: and congratulations to you on the cubs! >> thank you so much. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: lifelong cub fan. >> yes! >> seth: where did you watch? >> i was maybe going to go to the game -- >> seth: yeah. >> but as i said, i have a commitment to the seth meyers show. [ laughter ] in new york city. >> seth: i would have understood. i would have -- >> no, no. er 108 years, you can skip me. >> there might have been a "good morning america" commitment that was tied to this as well. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> but either way, the point is, i'm here. but i watched it -- so, i watched it here in new york city with mel gibson, the director. luke bracy, who was on your show -- >> seth: yep, fantastic young actor. >> a charming, dazzling, young australian. that's right. and some of the other team that was there. so we watched the game and it was exciting. did you find this game exciting? >> seth: i found it very exciting -- you were on -- you mentioned -- >> did you have -- did you have a dog in the fight? >> seth: i didn't. but i was -- as a red sox fan, i was -- i'm very happy that one
relief that i felt. the relief i felt in 2004. >> and i understand what that relief feels like. >> seth: is it wonderful? >> it's unbelievable. i mean, it's just crazy to feel that, you know, i've always believed, and this year it actually came true. so it was -- even that last at-bat, you know, there was a guy that if he hit a home run that would have been in the other direction. >> seth: yeah. >> so when the final out happened, it was almost that moment of did this really finish off? >> seth: it's a great -- you're about to enter a great period of freedom in your life, where you'll just care a little bit less about it all. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: it's really nice. >> yes, yes, yes. >> seth: you'll start seeing the peopn >> yes. [ laughter ] >> seth: and you have children -- >> i look forward to that healthy experience. >> seth: yes. you have kids. did they follow the cubs? do they care at all about this? >> as much as a five-year-old can, who's force-fed it. >> seth: yeah. >> my daughter is almost six. my son is three. people say to me, "well gosh, do they even know what this means?" and i said, "no." but why would i belabor them with this painful history? >> seth: yeah. >> right? like for all they know, the cubs are a great team. let's keep it that way. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, exactly. >> why not, right? >> seth: now they can move on to
they seem to win. >> seth: you got to sing "take me out to the ball game." >> yes, the offers came in. >> seth: you've done it before. >> well, the offers came in. i didn't know that they wanted to travel with the play "pippin." but i'm open to it. [ light laughter ] >> seth: there you -- you answered the call. >> i answered the singing call, that's right. >> seth: it must have been fun. you've done it before, but to do it at the world series atmosphere, must have been fantastic. >> it was. it was great just to be there and to be a part of it. and to sing the stretch was a lot of fun. i mean, we were down a lot in that game, so it was hard to try to figure out how you're going to muster it. >> seth: right and so then -- you must feel relieved too, because you -- the game did you it, they lost. >> here's what happened, they were down 7 -- [ laughter ] it's a valid point. i like a direct conversation. [ laughter ] stick with us, this is going to go somewhere. [ light laughter ] so we were down 7-1 in that moment, >> seth: yeah. >> but a lot of people tweeted afterwards that from the time i sang, right, even though that game was late and we lost, that the score became undeniable for the cubs. and a lot of people see that -- >> seth: oh, i see. >> as the catalyst moment. >> seth: turning point! [ light laughter ] >> that was a turning point.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: they lost that game. again, and they couldn't catch up. >> but we did score one run. we didn't give up any more and then we won three straight. >> seth: yeah, so -- >> i mean look, i'm just a fan at the game. but there's a lot of people out there putting the high beams on this guy. and guess who this guy is? the seth meyers show, baby. >> seth: there you go, perfect. [ laughter ] >> come on. >> seth: congratulations on this film. >> thank you. >> seth: you mentioned luke was on last night, so i was talking to him about it. this is based on a true story of this conscientious objector who then saved -- 75 was it, lives? >> amazing. when i read the story, i never heard of it. had you? >> seth: i had not. >> and it's a true story and it was just unreal. i think the thing that was most powerful to me was, the war is terrible -- i'm stating, you know, understating it. but in most cases or a lot of cases, people really digress, you know, to survive. but this guy consistently, not just in the moment, would go out unarmed to help people and to bring them back to safety. and would do it even for people that was not on the same team, for the enemy. he just, you know, saw people in that. so it's really an incredible
the script that there was someone out there that was like this. and you know, they actually had to kind of tone down some of the achievements he did, because it's just too remarkable, the harm's way and the things that he did. >> seth: and then you play a drill sergeant, which is not a role you've ever played before. but then i was thinking, you kind of, over the course of your career have played drill sergeants that weren't drill sergeants. >> right. >> seth: like i feel in "swingers" you're kind of a fun drill sergeant. >> yes, yes, that's right. [ laughter ] >> seth: you're just getting everybody in line, but for a different thing. >> that's right. we're not going to blow anything up. >> seth: yeah, exactly, but -- so in way i thought, "oh this is a departure for you." but the more i watched, i'm like no this is kind of -- >> it was a return home. >> seth: it was a return home. [ light laughter ] >> yes. >> seth: it is always such a pleasure to see you. >> such a pleasure. >> seth: congratulations on the film. in fact, please come back soon. [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much for representing. vince vaughn, everybody! "hacksaw ridge" is in theaters tomorrow. we'll be right back with george stephanopoulos. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> i'm great. how are you? >> seth: good, so we're coming -- >> a little late for me but -- >> seth: yeah, this is very late for you, and i appreciate you making the time. you got to be up first thing in the morning. but, i want to talk to you about this election, because it's gone on for a long time. and sometimes there are things that happen earlier in the election, that you look back on, and they're sort of an artifact as to where we thought this was all going to go. and i want to show a clip. >> think i know where you're going. >> seth: so this is representative keith ellison was on your show, and this was you and rest of the panel, reacting to what he said was the potential of a trump nomination. >> anybody, well, from the democratic side of the fence, who, who thinks that, who is terrified of the possibility of president trump, better vote. better get active. better get involved. because this man has got some momentum. and we better be ready for the fact that he might be leading the republican ticket. [ laughter ] >> i know you don't believe that. but i want to go on. [ laughter ] >> sorry to laugh. >> seth: i mean --
>> and he didn't believe it. >> seth: i look, i have said on this show many times, when it first started, i've misjudged him. i've been wrong at every turn. have you ever seen anything like this? >> we all got it wrong. we're all humbled, by this. but think about that, that i guess, that was last july. by then, he'd already called john mccain a loser. >> seth: yeah. >> he'd already attacked the disabled. >> seth: yep. >> of course he'd already -- we already knew he gave more money to democrats than republicans. been married three times. did not have republican positions. yet he got the nomination. >> seth: and yet, here we ar >> five days away. >> seth: and now with you, the fact that you cover, you know, this six days a week, tensions are very high in this election on both sides. >> everywhere. >> seth: and it seems like, is it safe to say, that you receive criticisms from both sides in your day to day? >> it's hard to walk down the street right now. >> seth: yeah. >> because everybody is so keyed up. so on edge. you know, and, you know, both sides are angry. both sides are anxious. they're yelling. but i do have -- it's -- i have this one woman in my neighborhood. >> seth: okay.
but she's, you know, she's trying. she's wearing a leather jacket, leather coat. every time i walk down the street she keys in on me, walks right up to my face and whispers, "disgusting." [ laughter ] that was one day. then a few days later, does the same thing. and i see her coming, she keys in on me. same thing. walks right up into my face. "bastard." [ laughter ] finally the third time, it was a couple days later, she did it again. and i finally t coffee. and she was still standing on the corner when i got back. i just went up to her and said, "can you please not do that again?" "no problem." [ laughter ] >> seth: she agreed to it? >> she did. for now. >> seth: that story might say more about new york than this election. [ laughter ] because -- >> you think it's new york? yeah. >> seth: people feel -- >> but also, a lot of people are really nice, and just want to know, what is gonna happen. >> seth: yeah, and another thing -- you know, i think the press has played an interesting role, you know, there was a lot of talk about how the press covered trump. but now there's a lot of talk about how trump is sort of
>> the enemy, absolutely. >> seth: the enemy. and so for those of you in journalism right now, like, have you ever seen an attack like this? >> no, i mean, he's singling people out from the crowd. and his, you know, i don't really go out into the rallies so much. but our reporters actually have to have security at his rallies, because everybody gets so riled up and he riles them up as well. >> seth: do you think there is any chance, based on the outcome, that this riled feeling will subside? or do you think were gonna have, sort of, a long riled tale? >> we could be -- no matteo long endless campaign, in some ways. you know, trump is promising to investigate hillary if he wins. congress has promised to investigate her if she wins as well. i mean, this could go on, forever. >> seth: yes. it doesn't seem that a peaceful time is coming on wednesday, no matter what. >> and you've got two candidates, yeah, who the public just doesn't like. >> seth: yeah. >> we've never seen anything like this before, where you have two candidates, a week away from the election, that the majority of americans don't like at all. >> seth: yeah.
i also want to ask -- mostly i feel like anyone who hasn't seen "the war room", which is a fantastic documentary. you worked on the 1992 presidential campaign with james carville. and i want to show a still from it, because the problem about working on a campaign in 1992, is fashion was not great. >> not a good thing, no. >> seth: and there you are rocking rolled up sleeve, jean jacket. [ laughter ] >> oversized jean jacket, yeah. >> seth: a really big jean jacket. but i'm especially -- i want to point it out, because i do a show called "documentary now!" with bill hader and fred armsten. this. and i think they did a really good job. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> nailed it! >> seth: and have your kids seen "the war room"? have they seen the original documentary? >> no, the sad thing is they've seen your documentary, not the real one. [ laughter ] no interest at all in the real one. >> seth: no, interest in the real one. >> they kind of liked fred. >> seth: all right, well there you go. and thank you so much for being here. best of luck getting through the next five days. [ cheers and applause ] >> you too, thanks for having me. >> seth: thanks for making the time. george stephanopoulos, everybody.
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?? [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is a very funny comedian who can be seen regularly at the comedy cellar here in new york. her album, "glitter cheese", is available on amazon and itunes. please welcome, liza treyger. [ cheers and applause ] ?? >> yay! oh, my god, i'm so happy to be here. are you guys feeling great? [ cheers and applause ] awesome. i love fall in new york. it's just like beautiful and perfect and it's like, it's perfect after the nightmare of summer, which is just a constant reminder that when it's warm out and my thighs touch, they bleed. so -- [ laughter ] ow, it hurts. i should get skinny, but i'm tired.
people try to give you advice, though, on how to get in shape. like you haven't thought about it. it's so irritating. my friend, kenny, was like, "why don't you try eating yogurt with fruit in the morning?" and it's like, i will murder your family. [ laughter ] how dare you, how dare you talk to me about yogurt, like i never saw it at the store. [ laughter ] just between cottage cheese and milk, i saw nothing? no, kenny, i get yogurt. thank you so much. i mean, like i know these things. like i know i shouldn't order things for the table. but pancakes for t and i just don't want to stop. but sometimes i do wish that i could just eat, like, a few bad oysters. and not for a full-fledged poisoning, i'm not a psycho. [ laughter ] but like three days in the hospital. just to jump-start, you know? like that is all i want. every time i'm out to eat, i'm like, "extra rare. i hope this is it." you know? [ laughter ] i just want to get poisoned. i don't know. eventually i'll have to do something and get skinny, just because like my personality is
and that's the way life works. the better you look, the more of a monster can you be. it's really magic. like hot girl life is the best life. you can do anything you want. if you're a super hot girl, you can just be sitting on a date slitting your wrists and a guy would be like, "oh, she's just passionate." [ laughter ] yeah, i know, she's a fire cracker." but i don't hate it. like i'm not -- i understand it. we all do weird things to get laid. you know what i mean -- everybody. everybody does weird things to get laid. like, no one likes to hear an acoustic g but you listen, you know. [ light laughter ] like, "wonderwall" sounds really good. so i'm not mad about it. i'm also guilty of it, too. like i excuse my hot friends' behavior all the time. i have one friend, stacey, i'm like, "yeah, she's racist, but her thighs don't touch. she's good for the group. bring her." [ laughter ] bring her. she'll get us what we need. we need her there. that's where men have it better. that's where i think all gender inequality comes from is that men's looks don't matter as much. like, as a dude you can overcome your physical flaws and have sex
and that is where all our problems arise. that's it. because you can overcome it all. just be good at something. like even if it's bowling, i promise there will be a woman that's impressed by you. [ laughter ] like it is magic out there. like this is how awesome it is to be a dude. there are men, right now, that are shaving half of their head, leaving hair right here with a bun and living. okay? [ laughter ] and i'm up here just like "oh, if i just eat a couple bad oysters, everything will be good." it is. and men wouldn't do anything that got them laid less. never. which means these guys are getting it in. these spoiled fruit samurai are running around town -- [ laughter ] and women are having sex with them. like, that is amazing. any man that can overcome it all, just be good at something. like quentin tarentino looks like the devil, okay. the devil. [ laughter ] his face is a characature of his own face. [ laughter ] but he makes the best movies ever, so now he gets to have sex with every -- i mean, it's just incredible.
worthless. there is really no two ways about it. and don't be mad at women, you get better. because if you're man and no one want to sleep with you, that means you're not funny, smart, you don't have a good personality. you're not confident, successful, rich, athletic, artistic, creative, handy. i mean, can you learn a trick on a skateboard? can you figure that out? [ laughter ] can you figure it out? can you mow a lawn? like what are you doing? [ laughter ] what are you doing? women are waiting for you e no leash. i was like, "oh, that dog respects him. i'm sure he's got a lot going on." [ laughter and applause ] like that is how easy it is. even murderers get letters in prison. you can be a great serial killer and women are like, "oh, a day job and hobby, i'm listening." [ laughter ] like the world is there for you. and i know that's harsh. but like, i just cannot stop thinking about gender and relationships and -- maybe it's
like -- [ laughter ] i just -- i can't stop thinking about it and i annoy myself. because i know is so annoying to complain about dating at all. especially because my grandparents, they met in a concentration camp. i'm just like, "mah, tinder's the worst." [ laughter ] you know, but -- damn, grandpa, how much game did you have? [ laughter ] you know, pretty good. all right, thanks so much, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: that was fantastic. liza treyger, everybody. we'll be right back.
[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to vince vaughn, george stephanopoulos, liza treyger! hanna welson, the 8g band! stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow. [ cheers and applause ] ?? ?? ?? ?? >> carson: hi, i'm carson daly. welcome to "last call." tonight, we're at skylark here in new york for our show, and we've got an awesome one for