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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  November 7, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am PST

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's ?jimmy kimmel live?! tonight, from the world champion chicago cubs, kris bryant, carol burnett and music from vic mensa featuring travis barker. and now, i'm almost certain, here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> jimmy: very nice. thank you. i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. that's very kind, thank you. the reason i have these bags is
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night, if all goes as expected, if the polls are accurate, if the projections are correct, i will be the next vice president of the united states! [ cheers and applause ] thank you. so i have my luggage packed because as soon as i am officially declared the winner after i receive the obligatory calls of congratulation and concession from the lose esreservers, aka mike pence and tim kaine, i will leap on air force two, biden out of air force two, and fly directly to my new home in washington, d.c. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. i brought my own pillow so i can nap on the way there. i'm not using joe biden's pillows, i'll going to have my own. people ask me, how can you be so confident? the rope is simple. i've surrounded myself with people who only tell me what i want to hear. am i going to win tomorrow? >> guillermo: you're going to
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>> jimmy: how do i look tonight, guillermo? >> guillermo: great, fantastic! >> jimmy: thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i feel like i look great because i feel great because of daylight saving time. i got an extra hour's sleep. it was early but late at the same time. i'll tell you something, when i am vice president, we're going to turn our clocks back an hour every weekend. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. we'll go all the way back into saturday if we have to. i hate resetting the clocks. i bought two houses so i don't have to -- i have one house for spring forward and then i move to the other one for fall back. i have a lot of great ideas. since we are less than 24 hours away from the polls i thought it might be wise to make my closing argument to the american people. please bring in my podium here. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] my fellow americans, six months
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theater and i promised you that i would not rest until i became your vice president. that turned out not to be true, i have rested a few times since then. i've been on this pillow. i had to. i've been fighting my critics to the point of exhaustion. they said i couldn't launch a solo run for vice president. they said it was a waste of time. they said it was illegal. were they right? definitely. [ laughter ] did it hurt my feelings? yes. did i cry? yeah, i cried a lot. but i have not wavered from my mission. i have never wavered to my mission. before you go to the polls tomorrow i want to remind you a vote for jimmy kimmel is a vote for a good solid number two, and who doesn't want that? [ cheers and applause ] take this podium. take this luggage too. thank you. i'm drunk with power already. we have an exciting final show for me here tonight.
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cubs kris bryant is with us. [ cheers and applause ] not only champion, he will probably be league mvp after what many believe was the greatest game seven ever. the cubs had their victory parade in chicago on friday. and after 108 years, these fans were fired up. >> you guys came why? >> because the chicago cubs are [ bleep ] awesome! >> sorry about that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and then one of the pitchers from the cubs jon lester got onstage and the curse of the billy goat continued. >> jon lester! how about this [ bleep ]. sorry, kids. >> jimmy: yeah. the kids will for-give you. kris bryant of the cubs is here. the great carol burnett is here with us. [ cheers and applause ] very exciting. and we have music from chicago's own vic mensa with travis
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i do want to say something. if you haven't yet registered to vote, it's not -- oh, wait, it is too late, forget it, you don't get to sote. tomorrow we will elect either biff from "back to the future" or one of the robots from "west world." you will decide. this is interesting. i read over the weekend there used to be a tradition of heavy drinking on election day. people used to get drunk like st. patrick's day, then they passed all sorts of laws to prevent that happening. i think this is the year to bring that tradition back. [ cheers and applause ] if everyone who votes -- if there's one thing that we learned from this election, it's that we never, ever should have taught our moms how to use facebook, that was a mistake. there's been a lot of fighting, a lot of arguing. whoever wins i want us to all promise one thing. let's never do this again. [ laughter ] we tried democracy, i think we proved we're not mature enough to handle it, we can't do this, let's go back to only caring
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and then take that "i voted" sticker and put it right over your lips. we don't want to hear about it anymore. in less than 24 hours the election will be over. the race for the white house in 2020 will begin in two months, i guess. for a while, at least, we can give the cable news and all the screaming surrogates a rest. cnn has a woman named scotty nell hughes on a lot. she's a trump supporter. last night she had a very authentic take on jay-z and his appearance at a clintonam >> when you look at jay-z, we talked about this that night, he might be working on it but one of his main videos starts off with a crowd throwing mazel tov cocktails at the police. very much anti-police message that beyonce has had this year -- >> molotov cocktails.
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involved de hillary clinton got good news yesterday. fbi director james comey, who sent a letter to congress saying not so fast, we found more e-mails, sent another letter to congress yesterday basically saying, never mind. toured out almost all the e-mails were duplicates of e-mails they'd already looked at, which is pretty -- the fbi, they make bad decisions. remember that time they hired keanu reeves to go undercover as a surfer? [ laughter ] dumb. hillary clinton was in pembroke pines, florida, on saturday where not even rain >> you are a hardy bunch to stand out here in the rain. i don't think i need to tell you, all of the wrong things about donald trump. but here's what i want you to remember. i want to be the president for everybody. everybody of race, people who don't agree with me, people who vote for me, people who don't
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: say what you want about hillary clinton, what a beautiful, soothing delivery she has, you know? in fact, i've always said that reminds me of something -- >> let's get out! let's vote for the future! let's vote for what we want for our country and our children! god bless you! >> jimmy: turned out the election was just a very bad dream. here's an interesting campaign twist. according to the "new york times" donald trump's twitter account is now controlled by members of his campaign staff. they took it away from him. which is a great idea they should have had 400 days ago. [ laughter ] trump is bulldozing his way to the finish line. he was in five states today. and he was in wilmington, north carolina, over the weekend where we slowed him down to half speed for tonight's final day of the campaign edition of "drunk donald trump."
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>> wow. so folks, i'm going to -- see you guys in a little while. but what am i going to do? what do i have to say? i'm going to leave. good-bye, everybody. i'm leaving. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i believe he just did. i'm going to miss you, donald trump. his wife melania trump is good when you slow her down so we did that, please welcome to the stage drunk melania trump. [ playing tape slowly ] >> i'm very excited to talk to you about my husband, donald trump. who will make a fantastic
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>> jimmy: my only regret is that woman gets to know melania better. if the polls are to be believed mrs. clinton has a solid lead going into tomorrow. the fbi e-mail thing did hurt her a bit, but that was more than offset by a major last-minute endorsement she got today from maybe the most unlikely supporter of all. if you haven't seen this yet, buckle your lap belts because it is huge. in hillary clinton. take it from someone who knows her well. >> i know her very well, i know her husband very well, i like them both. >> donald trump knows that hillary will work hard for you. >> i think she really works hard and i think she does a good job. >> he trusts her experience. >> how did she do as secretary of state? probably above and beyond everybody else. >> he knows that she will bring back peace and prosperity. >> look at what happened during the clinton years. we had no war.
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everybody was happy. >> he knows which party is best for the economy. >> the economy does better under the democrats than the republicans. >> and he just likes her. >> i just like her. >> and her husband. >> i like her and i like her husband. he's a really good guy and she's a really good person and woman. >> most of all, donald trump knows that the last thing america needs is a sexual predator in the white house. >> you think about him with the women, how about me with the women? >> this election, trump in saying no to donald trump. and supporting his opponent. >> hillary clinton! >> i'm donald trump and i approve this message. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. we have a good show tonight. music from vic mensa, carol burnett is here, be right back with kris bryant of the world champion chicago cubs! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. one of the all-time television greats, she has a new back book such good company," carol burnett is with us. carol burnett will not like this. this is his latest album called "there's a lot going on." vic mensa and travis barker. later this week, we have quite a week on the show. we're preempted tomorrow because of that stupid election. [ laughter ] later this week robert demere i don't, gigi hadid, music from
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willie nelson too. please join us for all of that. late last wednesday night our first guest, look at him here, helped to transform a team of long-time loveable lose ers, th world champion cubs. he is the probable national league most valuable player from the chicago cubs, please welcome kris bryant! [ cheers and applause ] ? >> have a seat. i'm glad to see you and the goat have finally made peace, that's really nice. how you doing? >> doing good. >> jimmy: what's going on with you? anything new? [ laughter ] >> we won a pretty important game recently. >> jimmy: you did? congratulations, i didn't see that. was that on tv? was that a televised game?
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watching. >> jimmy: what was the best game you'd ever been involved with previous to that? >> i mean -- probably game six of the nlcs. >> jimmy: game six of the nlcs. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> it's unbelievable. just this whole postseason experience. i mean, i don't think i've ever played in games that meaningful and that were that good. that was one of the best game sevens of any sport. >> jimmy: i don't k anyone has. people keep saying one of the best. i've been trying to think of one that was better and i can't. i mean, first of all, the history obviously. and then just how excited everyone in the up to was. 5 million people show up to the parade. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which i think is all of the people. [ laughter ] they had to import people from other cities to be part of this parade. >> yeah, i -- you know, just go sit on the bus there and, i mean, it was probably five miles
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there was just people lined through the streets. i mean, i was trying to make out people's faces and heads and it just looked like a blur, so many people. i've never seen that many people. you know, in one spot. what was cool, you know, three days after that, we're going to the field to clean out our lockers and stuff. you know, i was doing a red bull commercial, what was it, yesterday. there's probably 3,000 people waiting outside. just outside the left field gate cheering for us. when we're just cleaning out our locker. i was like, this doesn't get old. [ laughter ] this is pretty cool. >> jimmy: pretty cool. [ cheers and applause ] you were wearing this. you were wearing a wwe championship belt at the parade. how did that happen? and why? >> why? no, i was in the clubhouse
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nice little case. i was like, this looks like a belt. everybody has cool -- anthony rizzo got to take the trophy home when we won. i'm like, i've got to find something cool to wear for the parade. >> jimmy: that was just there? >> it was just there. i didn't realize they did that. i pay no attention when people win -- i guess they did do it in the nba, the nfl, people wearing these belts. i'm like, i'm wearing that, that's pretty cool. i wore it the whole day. and i guess they wanted it back. i was like, nope. >> jimmy: they wanted to take it back from you? >> i guess. i mean, i don't know. i was like, nope. >> jimmy: i don't care if they have to sue you, stick with that, that was yours. >> i didn't hear that. >> jimmy: when you were playing in the game, there was a big -- for those who didn't see it, if you didn't you really missed something. you guys were on top, then the indians detail back and tied in the eighth with a home run, and then as if the game wasn't crazy enough, it started to rain. seemed like it was raining really hard. i was watching on tv.
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>> it was okay. it started out -- we play through that all the time. you know, then it started pouring. it's like, of course this happens. we hate rain delays. i mean, you stop the game -- >> jimmy: they delay the game. [ laughter ] >> it stinks. >> jimmy: and you get wet. >> that was the best thing for us, i think. >> jimmy: why was it the best thing? >> we recouped and had a meeting in the weight room there. jason heyward led the way. >> jimmy: what did he say? >> we were crying -- >> >> yeah, like -- it's upsetting -- we hadn't won a world series in 108 years. >> jimmy: yeah. >> like we were up three runs, then gave up one. obviously you're ral dischapman is one of the best closers in the game, 105 is pretty hard to hit. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. >> i mean, it was devastating. giving up the lead. it wasn't going to be easy. it's never easy with the chicago cubs. >> jimmy: you have a team meeting. >> it was more of like, you
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love everybody here, you know, it's nobody's fault, you know, we're still going to do this. we've been doing it all year. i mean, there's so many times throughout the year. we won a lot of games but -- we came back a lot. >> jimmy: right. >> kind of this identity of the team. to do it in the biggest game ever -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you think that's one member of the indians was giving his team the same speech in the other clubhouse at that very same time? >> that's a tough one. i mean, usually in rain you're like, i'm going to go on my phone, check instagram. >> jimmy: no checking stain gram this time. >> it's like, yeah, this stinks. i don't know. >> jimmy: let's watch this clip. i love this. you're fielding. this is the last out. if you make this play you're going to win the world series. you have a big smile on your face. you slip. luckily, because -- i mean, it's a great clip yanchts. >> jimmy: it's one of those clips we're going to see
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be seeing that clip. i'll be dead but other people will be seeing it. [ laughter ] but if you hadn't -- if you had thrown that ball into the dugout with a big smile on your face? [ laughter ] it would have been the worst thing that ever happened to anyone. >> i know. it would have. i mean, i don't know if i was ready for that. of course my foot, it's wet, raining are, it slips. i'm like, are you kidding me? is that how it's going to happen? you make an error there and -- you know. haven't won a world series in that long. see ya. forever. >> jimmy: yeah. >> thankfully. >> jimmy: you are from las vegas, nevada. i am also from las vegas. [ cheers and applause ] we both grew up there. this is you and your dad. your dad, his goal was that you would be a professional baseball player? >> i think so. >> jimmy: you think so? >> what's cool about it -- i mean, from what i hear, i wasn't alive when he was playing, but from all the stories i hear, he
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and it's cool to kind of see -- i mean, he's dad. he gets excited. he leaves -- he stays with me when he visits, he leaves before i even wake up. >> jimmy: he's at the field ready for you? >> yeah, wrigleyville's awesome, so much to do. he's out there -- [ cheers and applause ] he's hanging with the fans. and like for me it's just like, he's proud of me. >> jimmy: yeah. >> that's special to me. he worked so hard. put a batting cage in the backyard when i was 5 years old. and there's been improvements. i built a way better one for him. i mean, he was in the 110-degree heat doing hitting lessons. i mean, like dad, you're going to kill yourself, what are you doing? i was like, okay, wee we need to get you a nicer place. yeah, he spent the hours. >> jimmy: thank god or you would be a huge disappointment. [ laughter ] >> a huge failure. >> jimmy: we're going to take a
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[ cheers and applause ] ? did portions of "jimmy kimmel live" brought to you by drop canada premium drinks. a delicious cocktail mixer for your next party. ? but till you came along ? ? we counted on our fingers and toes ? ? now you're here to stay ? ? and nobody really knows... ? zero really can be a hero. get zero down, zero deposit, zero due at signing, and zero first month's payment... ...on select volkswagen models. sign then drive event. ah, beth. so the elevator is stuck again. with directv and at&t you can stream your favorite shows without using your data. that makes you more powerful than being stuck in an elevator with a guy with overactive sweat glands. sorry, rode my bike today. cool. hey it's your tv, take it with you.
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this man can lift a 526 pound barrel of tennessee whiskey. these people can do everything else. ? this is lynchburg, tennessee. the home of jack daniel's. ads for joe heck are attacking my time as attorney general. the thing they left out is the truth. the truth is crime actually went down during my time in office. that's why i've been endorsed by law enforcement across nevada. i'm proud of my record cracking down on meth, protecting seniors from scams,
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>> jimmy: that's kris bryant in chicago. the cubs victory parade. that's unbelievable. >> the best thing i've ever been a part of. >> jimmy: the best thing you're ever going to be a part of. >> and i'd just won the world series and it's like, this is way cooler! >> jimmy: it's the only acceptable use of a selfie stick i've ever seen. >> i guess they're gone. >> jimmy: you're getting married soon also. [ cheers and applause ] wh a >> when? january. i think. >> jimmy: will you invite those 5 million people to the wedding? >> we're going to try to keep it -- >> jimmy: will your teammates be invited? >> if they want to come. >> jimmy: all? like class where you have to invite everybody, one of those deals? >> kind of, yeah. >> jimmy: how many do you think will come toll wedding? are you hoping certain members of the team do not show up? [ laughter ] >> i hope travis wood shows up with a shirt on.
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but yeah. i mean, anthony rizzo's going to be in the wedding which is cool, he's one of my good friends. >> nice. [ cheers and applause ] >> it will be fun. >> jimmy: yeah. i heard -- is it true that somebody found your bridal registry and people have been sending you gifts? >> yeah. i mean, it's -- [ laughter ] yeah. i mean -- we heard of -- the indians guy, one of their rookie pitchers, i guess someone found his too. my fiancee was looking and like, 15 it's like, so we're registered? [ laughter ] crate and barrel and bed bath and beyond. >> jimmy: are you really? >> yeah, i think so. i went to bed, bath & beyond with a little thing, shooting the bar codes. >> there is a gentleman here in the audience tonight who i feel like he played a major role. i know you ran into him for a second in the green room backstage. but his name is ryan. and for those who haven't seen
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before we see ryan. yes. now that's ryan. was any member of your team -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- crying harder than ryan was? [ cheers and applause ] ryan, come up here for a second. come up here for a second. [ cheers and applause ] >> ryan, that's awesome. >> jimmy: have a seat right there. tell kris and be serious. just looking at kris' beautiful blue eyes. you also happen to have beautiful cubs blue eyes. tell him how much this meant to you as a long-time cubs fan. >> don't cry. >> i'll try. >> jimmy: i'd love it if you could both cry. [ laughter ] >> no, no. >> anything for tv. >> jimmy: that would be a huge win for me, yeah. >> i think we found that no one is immune to what is happening
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at kris. >> i can't look at kris. [ laughter ] but this has been an amazing experience. everybody i know in my life that has been part of my life and me growing up this has been a huge deal. it's ridiculous. it happened, i still can't believe it. i'm dreaming right now. i'm sitting next to kris bryant on the jimmy kimmel show! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we, go on a date, we'd be happy to pay for it. kris is getting married, this is your last chance! i don't think you'll ever find love like this from a woman, i'm just telling you right now. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> you're awesome. >> i actually watched the video. i don't know how i ran upon it. but watched, like this guy's awesome. but like -- just winning the whole thing, it's like you see a lot of that. people crying, grown men crying.
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for me it's cool to kind of have that effect on people. >> jimmy: yeah. right. it is, of course it's cool. >> i was crying. i was going to cry either way, if we lost. >> jimmy: i'm going to cry right now. [ cheers and applause ] thank you very much. thank you, kris. thank you, ryan for providing tears. kris bryant, everybody. be right back with carol burnett! [ cheers and applause ] ?
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[montage of chatter] ? my mother passed 2003, but she always told me i don't care if you turn out to be a great athlete or whatever but, get your college degree. sometimes i call the house, just to hear her voice. (phone ringing) answering machine: hi, leave a message after the beep. (beep) hey mom, this is larry. i just want to let you know that uh, i fulfilled the promise that you held me to. love you. (beep)
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>> jimmy: that's what we were looking for. still to come, music from vic mensa and travis barker. i have been hoping our next guest would be on this show since we started almost 14 years ago. turns out we were calling the wrong number. [ laughter ] she is a comedy legend and has six emmys, a peabody, a presidential medal of freedom to prove it. her new book is called ?in such good company." please welcome carol burnett! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: i'm very pleased to have you here. >> i'm pleased that you're having me here. >> jimmy: i was in a van with my parents this weekend. we were driving. they were driving me home. i was a little drunk, i'll be honest. >> good they were driving. >> they told me, call me whenever you're drunk, we'll pick you up, and i've been doing it since high school. we were talking about how exciting it was that you were on the show tonight. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we would as a family watch you. i don't know if people even do that anymore. >> well, that was -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: every saturday night we watched you. >> yeah, you know, back then there were only three channels. so it was a point, telesion, people would sit with their family and watch the shows. that doesn't happen anymore. >> jimmy: everybody has a tv in their own room and people separate. >> it's kind of too bad. >> jimmy: it's also because the show was so yate and so -- i mean, really, i was watching videos today. and it's still funny.
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comedies. >> funny's funny. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: one of the all-time greatest shows. and that was my childhood. your childhood took place right here in this neighborhood. hard to believe. >> i was raised here in hollywood on yucca and wilcox. >> jimmy: right down the block. >> which is right down the block. i went to selma avenue grammar school, hollywood high, which is right here. and when we were growing up, when we got bored or playing jungle girl or whatever, we would go climb the hollywood sign. >> jimmy: you would hike up the mountain there? >> hike up to it, yeah. and i mean, climb the sign. the scaffolding behind the letters. and it was all rickety. i don't know how we did it without breaking our necks. but we would climb up. we would get splinters.
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the the os were my favorite. i loved the os. i'd go, hello hollywood! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you did that regularly? >> oh, yes. you can't anymore because they've got a fence around it. they've redone it and everything. >> jimmy: did hollywood ever answer back? to your greeting? >> shut up! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what was your first job in this area? >> i was an usherette as they for warner brothers theater on wilcox and hollywood boulevard. >> jimmy: wow. again, right on our block. >> i was in school. i was about 17, 18 years old. and it was -- that was a time when they would dress us up in funny outfits. like harem pants and some sort of a funny jacket with epaulets and a fez on the said and stuff. you know.
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i stood in the middle of the lobby in an amber spotlight directing the audience. because i had a loud voice. aisle 2, straight ahead! the stairway to your right! that kind of thing. then one night i was standing in front of aisle 2 door. and this was when people would go to the movies and the movies would keep running. so they'd come in sometime in the middle of a movie, sit see the last part, wait, see the first part, and say, oh, this is wher, and they'd leave. bizarre but that's the way it was then. i was standing in front of aisle 2 one night. and this couple wanted to be seated the last five minutes of an alfred hitchcock movie. alfred hitchcock was a great suspense director. >> jimmy: sure. >> "strangers on a train." and this couple came. and i said, oh, please. i'm a movie nut.
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going to ruin it for you, wait, it's going to start again in another ten minutes, go to the bathroom, get some popcorn, but don't -- we want to sit down! and i said, please, you can't. the manager came up. and he was kind of certifiable anyway. he said, what's going on here? and this girl said, she won't let us sit down! he said, burnett? i said, yes, sir? he went -- and ripped off my eppalettes. >> jimmy: wow. almost like in a >> i was fired. right on the spot. drummed out of the corps. so the nice thing -- is that years later, when they said where do you want your star on hollywood boulevard? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> here's the topper, also that
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and i now have the door in my home that i was fired in front of. >> jimmy: really? [ cheers and applause ] i love that you -- i never imagined you would be vindictive and i hey of have to say i love it. after the show let's go to home depot, we'll buy a couple of shovels, we'll find his grave, dig him up, do something weird to him. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: carol burnett is here! we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: ho >> jimmy: hollywood high school across the street, a nice librarian let us borrow the yearbook from 1954, your high school yearbook. there you are in journalism class. did you want to be a journalist? >> i wanted to write, yeah. i was editor of "hollywood high
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thought was brilliant, of interviewing tame miscellaneous people for the paper who went to hollywood high. and i had one all set up. lana turner. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> major, major movie star. and then some snitch -- [ laughter ] told on me that i'd be cutting classes and the principal said, no, you can't do that. but the nice thing is lana turner was -- once came on my show. [ applause ] >> jimmy: you had the ultimate revenge, i guess. >> jimmy: yet people in your past need to be punished in various ways. >> that's right. >> jimmy: a lot of the stories in the book are about making "the carol burnett show." you watched how many episodes? >> 276. >> jimmy: 276. >> not all. not all the way through or i wouldn't be here still. i'd be doing it. >> jimmy: what was that like? >> well -- i fast forwarded through a lot of the sketches that i remembered. i wanted to jog my memory
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to just see the change in all of us. the growth. especially vicki lawrence. she was 17, 18 when she came on our show. >> jimmy: wow, i didn't realize that. >> how she grew. harvey, who was brilliant from the get-go. i even matured and changed. of course i did, i aged. but i got better. so it was just -- it was fun to watch. >> jimmy: tim conway, was he as -- because he always cracked you guys up. when you were doing the show you'd crack each other up. was was on the show? >> tim would do things for himself too. without an audience. just his sense of humor. i remember this one time, my husband and i went to a party with the gang in the valley. and phwe got there a little bit late. tim was sitting on the couch with his head swathed in toilet paper.
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he wasn't drunk, he was just doing this bit. looked like the invisible man. you know. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and so somebody took, back then, a polaroid picture of him. and it came out kind of the size of your driver's license picture. so he cut it out. and this was before everything got laminated and stuff. he stuck it, the picture, on over the top of his real driver's license picture. so now he's driver's licee picture shows him with the toilet paper. now the party's ended. still wrapped in the toilet paper, he gets in his car. [ laughter ] he's driving in a little -- trust avenue in the valley, no traffic, no nothing. and he knows there's a cop that's kind of over this corner.
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for the stop sign. he just kind of went through. and now the cop is coming after him. he pulls over. [ laughter ] the cop gets out. he said, okay, let me see your license. >> jimmy: that's fantastic. this book is full of all sorts of great stories. carol burnett! ?in such good company? is out now. thank you so much for being here. we'll be back with vic mensa and travis barker! >> dicky: the ?jimmy kimmel live? concert series presented
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"she's a slob." "she ate like a pig." "i'd look her right in that fat, ugly face of hers..." donald trump calls women "bimbos", "dogs", and "fat pigs." but congressman crescent hardy said he'd support donald trump 100%. nevada, there's a better choice: ruben kihuen. kihuen pushed to crack down on employers who pay women less than men. and kihuen will always protect a woman's right to choose. evada.
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with all of the shenanigans danny tarkanian's pulled in nevada -- helping set up fake charities used to scam nevada seniors, failing to pay thousands in property taxes, losing $17 million in a failed development scheme, then sticking taxpayers with the bill -- imagine the shenanigans tarkanian would pull in washington. ongress, ever. dccc is responsible for the content of this advertising. >> dicky: the ?jimmy kimmel live? concert series presented by ciroc. let's get it. >> jimmy: i'd like to thank kris bryant and carol burnett, and apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time.
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his ep. it's called "there's a lot going on." here with the song ?16 shots? with some help from travis barker - vic mensa! ? thanks to the world we got our boots strapped ? 100 deep on stage street where the troops at ? ? the mayor lying saying he didn't see the video footage ? ? and everybody want to know where the truth at ? ? on the south side where it's no trauma centers but the most trauma ? a lot of cannons but you don't want no drama ? i can't imagine if it was my own mama ? ? got her first born son stole from her he never had a chance ? ? he black shot 'em 16 times how corrupt that is ? ? now the police superintendent wanna double back ? ? cops speeding up to the block like a runnin' back ? ? ? ? ready for the war we got our boots strapped 100 deep on stage street where the troops at ? ? the mayor lying saying he didn't see the video footage ?
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? on the south side where it's no trauma centers but the most trauma a lot of cannons but you don't ? ? want no drama i can't imagine if it was my own mama ? ? got her first born son stole from her he never had a chance ? ? and we all know it's cause he black shot 'em 16 times how corrupt is that ? ? now the police superintendent wanna double back ? ? cops speeding up to the block like a runnin' back ? ? tension is high you can see it in our eyes you want to violate ? ? screaming out oink oink bang bang gang gang gang gang murder murder murder they mind ? i just made me a mil' and still militant this ain't conscious rap this ignorant hair trigger ? ? ain't no fun when the rabbit got the gun when i cock back police better run ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? sixteen shots and we buckin' back sixteen shots ?
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? they threw a little girl down on the pavement pushed her off the bike ? ? and said stay out the way she was bleedin' on the ground through her braces ? ? this is what happens when black folk don't stay in their places ? ? the mayor duckin' when he fired the superintendent but resignation come with bonuses and recognition ? ? so we gon' break in the stores on magnificent mile and if we gotta go let's go to prison in style ? ? cops killin' kids and stayin' out of jail but bobby shmurda can't even catch bail ? so it's one two three four five six ? ? now i got everybody yelling out ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? one two three four five six seven eight nine ten eleven twelve ? ? sixteen shots and we buckin' back sixteen shots ? ? sixteen shots and we 16 shots ?
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? me and lord got a clip with an extendo and we rollin' with it hangin' out the window ? ? we on 16th riding by the police station we might make a pork rind out of pig bro ? ? somebody tell these custodies get their hands up nots ? i ain't a slave keep your chains off me ? stop the music. i got to say something. i'm a black man from chicago and i'm tired of not being able to trust the police. i want to have faith in the men and women i don't want to see another 17-year-old killed like laquan mcdonald murdered in the street. when i hear a candidate talking about law and order and stop and frisk is the answer to our problems? you don't know our problems in chicago and you damn sure don't speak for us. tomorrow we have the biggest election of our lifetime. so you got to get out and vote against hate. because donald trump is a racist and if you don't vote, racism wins. that's what i got to say.
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, inside the final 30. it's down to the wire. finally, after all the anger, the name-calling, all the jaw-dropping twists, here we are on the eve of the election. >> you can't review 650,000 new e-mails in a day. you can't do it, >> the candidates making their closing arguments, hillary bringing out the big guns. >> get out and vote tomorrow! >> on the front lines as both campaigns scramble to get out the vote. plus swap the vote. feel like your vote is wasted? >> in deep blue or keep red states votes don't matte much. >> there's an app for that. americans exchanging votes with people across the country making their drowned-out hometown voices heard in fierce election battle grounds.


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