tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 18, 2017 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
from 5:00 to 7:00. for don, captioning sponsored by cbs >> looking forward to the solar eclipse? this educational film will teach you everything you need to know. a solar eclipse happens when the moon completely blocks the sun. it's important to remember that you can get severely hurt if you look directly into an eclipse. for instance, i looked in one a few years ago, and my wife, sharob, left me. after that, i started drinking, and it wasn't wrong before i was having sex with strangers behind the woolworth's. from there i moved into an abandoned rail car and started looking off cat meat. i joined a cult and the high priest forced me to marry him and he spent happy years canning beats for the end times.
however. >> could never fully commit because i was still in love with sharon. so you see, kids, that's why you don't look directly at a solar eclipse. have fun. call me, sharon. >> it's "the late show with stephen colbert." tonight, stephen's take on c.e.o.s jumping the trump ship. and stephen welcomes anthony scaramucci. and tiffany haddish. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: wooo! what's going on? hey! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: yeah, it's friday. it's friday. you're very kind.
oh, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to "the late show"." i'm your host, stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) thanks. i'm excited, too. i'm excited, too because ♪ it's friday we deserve it. we deserve this friday in ways we don't often. now, i hope you had a good week. but i know that you haven't because i live here, too. now, of course, for my jewish friends, good shabbos. to jared and ivanka, happy most awkward sabbath dinner ever. "okay, let's go around the table and say something we're thankful for this week. dad, we're going to skip you this time. get you double next time." see-- and i can't believe i have to say this-- the president has been taking heat all week for being an apologist for some people attending a neo-nazi rally. i just want to say, tom arnold,
if you have those outtakes of trump saying the "n" word on "the apprentice," maybe release them now before he screams it at the turkey pardoning in november. it could happen. >> jon: we don't know. it could be coming. >> stephen: we don't know. ( laughter ) speaking of rallies, i just found out-- today, or yesterday-- trump tweet-announced to "join me at 7:00 p.m. on tuesday, august 22, in phoenix, arizona, at the phoenix convention center!" now, a giant trump rally whipping people up might sound like a bad idea in these emotionally-charged times, but remember, it's phoenix, so it's a dry hate. it's better. it's better. ( applause ) yeah, yeah. yeah! all right. and i think-- i'm not sure why he's holding a rally this time. does it have a purpose? is he talking about something. i think he's doing it because he
needs to be with friends. because he's lost some this week. since monday, eight c.e.o.'s have resigned from trump's manufacturing council, including denise morrison-- ( applause ) yeah. include denise morrison of campbell's soup. and i'm being told we have a statement from her spokesperson. >> no soup for you! ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) okay? yeah. simple. simple declarative. that is one nazi we can all get behind. ( laughter ) now, morrison had some harsh words for trump on her way out: "racism and murder are unequivocally reprehensible and are not morally equivalent to anything else that happened in charlottesville." so it has fallen to the soup lady-- ( applause ) -- the soup lady-- we got to turn to the soup lady to tell us that murder is bad? what's next, a passionate
condemnation of nazis from the jolly green giant? ♪ ho, ho, ho, you're racist he can say that. he can say that because he's a person of color. ( laughter ) it's true. it's absolutely true. after the first few c.e.o.s dropped out this week, trump wasn't fazed, tweeting, "for every c.e.o. that drops out of the manufacturing council, i have many to take their place. grandstanders should not have gone on. jobs!" ( laughter ) don't know what that-- i don't know what that is there at the end. >> jon: he put it at the end. >> stephen: i just love how he just tacked that ending on there. "dear tiffany, i wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you what a blessing you are in our lives. jobs!" ( laughter )
but then the trickle of-- ( applause ) they love-- they love my object work. but then the trickle of resignations became a flood. along with the c.e.o. of campbell's, trump also lost the support of the president and c.e.o. of 3m, inge thulin. and because he was from 3m, he was the only c.e.o. to quit via post-it note. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he also-- ( applause ) he also lost afl-cio president and travel-size mike ditka, richard trumka. ( laughter ) after trump's press conference yesterday, trumka said, "we must resign on behalf of america's working people, who reject all notions of legitimacy of these bigoted groups. it's clear that president trump's manufacturing council was never a means for delivering real policy that lifts working families, and his remarks today were the last straw." ( cheers and applause )
last! i mean, good for him. i mean, good for him, but i guess that makes calling mexicans rapists, mocking a disabled reporter, grabbing women by the genitals and banning muslims from entering the country were just some fun straws along the way, like a hayride! so, it's been a tough week for trump's manufacturing council, but trump's not one to be easily dissuaded. when the going gets tough, the tough immediately give up, because trump tweeted: "rather than putting pressure on the businesspeople of the manufacturing council and strategy and policy forum, i am ending both. thank you all!" "thank you! i destroy everything i touch. my kiss is poison! jobs!" ( cheers and applause )
what's going on-- here are some others. in less-apocalyptic news, the sun is going away. ( laughter ) on monday, a solar eclipse will cross the entire continental united states for the first time in nearly a century. i could not be more excited. i love science, i love astronomy, and i love to see barnyard animals thrown into a complete panic because it's 2:00 p.m. and night is falling. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i go to the petting zoo. "what's going on, goats?" what's going on? where did sun go? the chickens are freaking out? you know they know something is up. they always have the inside dope. listen to the crickets! we're all going to die!" ( cheers and applause ) i'll be drinching. i get-- i get to do that once every century, so i'm going to put my heart into it. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephe: millions of americans will see it because the eclipse will pass right over the middle
of the united states-- right oarve of middle. just like hillary did during the campaign. really? really? really? too soon. >> jon: too soon. >> stephen: i don't think so. that better be in her book. now, keep in mind, viewing the eclipse can be very dangerous. >> the primary risk is what opthamologists call eclipse blindness, or burns on your retinas caused by high-intensity, visible light. the radiation literally cooks your eyes. >> stephen: literally cooks your eyes. you don't want that. so you've got a few options. one, squirt sunscreen in your eyes and hope for the best. two, give in, enhance the cooking with some olive oil, maybe some garlic salt. three, some of these: >> these inexpensive cardboard sunglasses were designed specifically to allow you to look at the sun without harming your eyes. now, when your eyes are in danger of being literally
cooked, nothing reassures like the words "inexpensive cardboard." ( laughter ) ( applause ) "all right, mr. jones. mr. jones, we have your pacemaker here. it's made of popsicle sticks. just jam that in your chest!" and it's important to make sure you get ones that actually work because amazon has recalled some potentially hazardous solar eclipse glasses. now, to find out if your glasses you ordered are the good kind, put them on and look at the eclipse. ( laughter ) then, if you're blinded, send them back to amazon for a full refund. anyway, have fun. stay safe on the eclipse on monday. i don't think there's ever been a more appropriate time for darkness to descend on our country. we've got a great show for you tonight. it's friday. and friday means "midnight confessions." please join us, won't you.
♪ ♪ ( applause ) introducing the new moto z with moto mods. hello moto. ♪ ♪ (3-2-1 liftoff) ♪ ♪ (gasps) (oh!) (cheering) buy the new moto z with shattershield, and you'll get a free projector mod. hello moto. hundreds of dollars on youmy car insurance. saved me huh. i should take a closer look at geico... (dog panting) geico has a 97% customer satisfaction rating! and fast and friendly claims service. speaking of service? oooo, just out. it was in. out. in! out. in!
what about now? that was our only shuttlecock. take a closer look at geico. great savings. and a whole lot more. advil liqui-gels minis. our first concentrated pill that rushes powerful relief. a small new size that's fast, cause it's liquid. woohoo! you'll ask, what pain? new advil liqui-gels minis.
( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, jon batiste and stay human, everybody! give it up for the band! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: oh, exciting friday. exciting friday, jon. exciting friday. you know what friday means? every friday we do "midnight confessions." we will do that in a second. but before we do that i have a confession i need to make to you, the audience, first. i have a new book.
it's called: i have a new book: "stephen colbert's midnight confessions." it's full of confessions. it's all the fun of watching me perform "confessions" on tv, but now in a portable format that you can bring right into the confessional with you. and you can confess these things. the priest will never know that they're actually my sins. spice things up a little bit. role play. there are some amazing things in here. page after page of these confessions. it's got-- how many pages is this? this is how many and... and-- they did not number the pages. 1,000 pages! i'm going to say 1,000 pages of jokes! you're losing money if you don't buy this damn thing. just for kindling. you can preorder it now on colbertlateshow.com, and it will be available september 5 at placewhere things are sold. >> jon: yup, yup. >> stephen: go get it. now, here's the deal. ( cheers and applause )
got that new-book smell. it's got that new-book smell. here's the thing, even tho i'm a catholic-- and i'm so catholic i make money off it. i don't make it to church as often as i like. mostly i mis confession. so, if you don't mind, i'd like to confess to you, my audience. you won't tell anybody, right? >> audience: of course not! >> stephen: great. this is "stephen colbert's midnight confessions!" ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) standard disclaimer: i don't know if these are technically sins, but i do feel bad about them. okay, i'll be right back. ( laughter )
( organ music playing ) forgive me, audience. i've never texted a picture of my genitals to a co-worker, but i have faxed a picture of my butt rash to dr. oz. ( laughter ) i thought crossfit was a way to get abs like jesus. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) i'm not proud of it. i'm not proud of it. audience, audience, i think people at the grocery store who say "q-pon" instead of coupon should be forced to pay extra for their to-mah-to. ( cheers and applause ) if i'm feeling bloated, i park in the handicap zone. ( laughter )
i have never been ready for? poobl. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) also, i can tell you how to get, how to get to "sesame street." but i won't. ( laughter ) audience, last week, i went online to buy reading glasses and accidentally signed up for riding classes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) if i could take one book with me on a desert island, it would be "how to escape a desert island," but if i could bring a second book, it would be "stephen colbert's midnight confessions,"
( cheers and applause ) it's available september 5. makes a great labor day gift. ( laughter ) audience, a lot of these "confessions" are jokes made up by my writers. except all the ones where i eat frosting. that's all me, baby. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) mmm! mmm! ( cheers and applause ) i consider myself a glass half full type of person, as long as it's half full of bourbon. mmmm. ( cheers and applause ) mmmm.
introducing the newly redesigned gla suv. at a price that'll make you feel like you've gotten away with something. the 2018 gla. lease the gla250 for $359 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. how was your vacation? hey, guys, what's this tomato doing at randy's desk? [all coworkers laugh] hahahahaha. you know, that actually reminds me, steve. i got you something. aloha! mangoes can get sunburned. put some flavor in your break- with new snapple mango tea- make time for snapple. forty-eight hours of protection. i don't have to re-apply this, not once. it's really soft and almost velvety as you put it on. that's like really soft. try dove advanced care for softer, smoother underarms.
you can't fake steak. longhorn steakhouse. tonight's special, the great american steak dinner for $12.99. a center-cut sirloin with a side, plus a starter, or dessert. and for lunch, try one of our new burgers. like the bbq bacon burger. only at longhorn. ( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) ♪ the backstabber >> stephen: jon batiste and stay human, everybody! i love it! that's fantastic! thank you, jon. please, have a seat, everybody. ladies and gentlemen, my first
guest is the shortest tenured communications director in white house history. please welcome anthony scaramucci. anthony, come on up. ( audience ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) booing ). >> i'll pretend those are mooches and not boos, stephen. >> stephen: thanks for being here. >> it's great to be here? >> is it? >> i took a list of all your comedy writers my "kill list." >> stephen: i wrote them all down. >> stephen: you're comedically threatening to kill people who work for me? >> i'm not allowed to joke anymore. i've learned that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: listen, i just want to start-- no, you don't get to stop my show. i stop my show.
( cheers and applause ) here's the thing: i want you to know just for the record, this is on the record. this is being recorded right now. >> thank you. >> stephen: that's a microphone you're wearing right now, okay? so i said no "gotcha" questions, i promised you no "gotcha" questions. but i'm leading with one. >> it won't be the first one. >> stephen: nazis, good or bad? >> super bad, we know that, super bad. >> stephen: why do you think the president of the united states, who you called "the most media- savvy person of our times," would shank a softball like that so hard when he should have just come out there and condemned the people who were there to start violence? >> well, i think there's a couple of issues there. he said the "all sides" thing >> stephen: many sides. >> >> "many sides." he should have been way harsher on that. i said that. upon upon >> stephen: how? >> he should have condemned white supremacism and neo-nazis.
i don't want to blame or point fingers at the president. >> stephen: he's responsible. >> but you're asking about someone else. ( cheers and applause ) hold on a second. you were asking about someone else in the administration. >> stephen: okay. >> but i think-- listen, it was late. i'm not going to say that it wasn't. but he did go to the white house today, and he did make a statement, which you just said. it was very declarative against it. >> stephen: the president had prepared remarks on saturday. >> yeah. >> stephen: and prepared remarks today. today he stuck to the script. saturday he went off script with his "many sides, many sides." that was an ad lib, in the moment. which one of them do you think he meant? the one that's written down, or the one he just comes up with in the moment. >> you guys have been super rough on me and super rough on him but he is a compassionate person. i know him as a compassionate person. that's my opinion. >> stephen: don't boo him for being the messenger. but in what way is he a compassionate person? what is the evidence that? >> listen, i mean, it's a super
tough job. he made a step to give up which was a luxurious lifestyle and -- >> stephen: who cares? really? we're supposed to feel bad for a guy because he gave up his billion-dollar lifestyle to be the most powerful man in the world? i don't understand. >> by the way, that was touch and go. that was touch and go. >> stephen: what was touch and go? >> it was -- >> stephen: what was touch and go? >> i think when he started his campaign, i think it was unclear whether he was going to win or not. i mean at the end of the day -- >> stephen: that's it for everybody. everybody is unclear. >> i understand that, but, stephen, it's a huge sacrifice to do this stuff. you may not agree with me on that. >> stephen: it is a huge sacrifice but one of the things you don't get to do is complain about it. >> but i haven't heard him complain about it. >> stephen: he has. he said it's a very hard job. he said, "i could have had my previous lifestyle." >> but that's him wearing his heart on his sleeve. that's him expressing himself. i mean, that's his-- i think, you know, president obama, michelle obama also expressed that, you know, it's a fish
bowl. it's a difficult job. >> stephen: sure. >> i think president bush sailed the same thing. >> stephen: sure. >> it's not like it's not a difficult job. being the communications director is a difficult job. >> stephen: my original question and then we'll move on, but my original question-- you're a guy you said free-throws with a top coat. saying that, you know, condemning white supremacists and neo-nazis is a one-inch putt. why do you think he choked? >> again, i think there's a-- it's almost a counter-intuitive thing with him. the media expects him to do something and he sometimes does the exact opposite. >> stephen: wait, just to thumb his nose at them. wait a second, you're saying he does something to do the opposite of what is expected. >> some of that worked during the campaign. >> stephen: the campaign is over. now he's the president. >> i understand that, but he's also-- he's also out there going out to see his base. he's flown to west virginia, youngstown, ohio, and other place glz but his base isn't
nazis. are you saying his base is nazis. >> no. >> stephen: i'm not saying that, either. >> he did condemn the nazis today. >> stephen: two days later. did he order his spine on amazon prime? why did it take so long? >> that's a good line. ( cheers and applause ) and i said yesterday that he should have been tougher on it. you know, the problem si'm probably the only person that would come from the trump administration or formerly from the trump administration and sit here. >> stephen: i'm grateful you're here. >> i don't know if he's going to come here and answer that question for you, but only he can answer that question. i said yesterday and i maintained that he's got to be tougher on that stuff if he wants his legislation agenda to pass. he has to move in a more moderate direction. he has to appeal to people that are independents and moderates that possibly voted for him, to help him ascend to the presidency. >> stephen: what's it like inside the white house? because-- >> small. >> stephen: small? i've been in the building. what i mean is--
( laughter ) what is it like? from the outside it looks like a dumpster fire. ( laughter ) what is it like-- i mean, you also-- you get-- you have rumors of infighting. you have rumors of infighting. there are rumors of infighting, and that there's chaos in there. what was it like for the 10 days you were in there? did you get a sense of the chaos. >> listen, i mean, it's a tough place. there was a lot of infighting. you know, the froant-stabber was backstabbing-- i think you said that two weeks ago. >> stephen: yeah. >> i have a tendency to be very open and very honest with people. what ends up happening there, though, is people don't do that. what they do is go behind each other's backs and leak things to the press and say nasty things about each other to try to destabilize them or innocence the president's judgment. i was pretty open what i felt about people. ( laughter ) i would tell you-- very open. and i would tell you the way a good culture works-- i have run two reasonably successful organizations-- you have to have
some level of esprit de corps, and it didn't start that way. >> stephen: what's going on in this photo? >> that's a rough photo. >> stephen: this photo. there you are-- this is you over here holding your thumbs in your belt leak a gunslinger. and this is reince priebus. what is going on? were you brought in just to get rid of him? >> mmm, i don't want to say that. >> stephen: and sean spicer? >> i don't want to say it that way. >> stephen: was it part of your job? >> ah, i would say -- >> stephen: say it like the mooch. say it like the mooch. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> audience: mooch! >> stephen: give me some mooch. give me some mooch here. the mooch of long island would say there's no love lost there, obviously. look at the picture. there's no love lost there. that was caught by a "wall street journal" photographer before the president did-- which was a great interview with "the "wall street journal"." we were pretty good friend when i was a political donor writing checks for the r.n.c. but once i became part of the
administration or was about to enter the administration, for whatever reason, it was a little more adversarial. >> stephen: now, you thought he was one of the leakers. >> i did. >> stephen: okay. he's gone, right? who's leaking now? is it steve bannon? >> well, i've said that. i mean -- >> stephen: i'm just saying-- saying sai it to these people. >> i've been pretty open about that. >> stephen: is steve bannon a leaker? >> obviously he was. he got caught on tape saying he was. so i have no problem saying that. >> stephen: is he going to be gone in a week? >> that's up to the president. >> stephen: what do you think? what does the mooch thing? >> if it was up to me, he would be gone, but it's not up to me. >> stephen: you said he's trying to suck his own (bleep). okay. >> are you allowed to say that. >> stephen: yeah, yeah, it's cool. they said it's cool. they said i can say it tonight. >> mom, i'm sorry, i said that. it got picked up on a recorded line. >> stephen: i said "sock." i said "sock." that's what is behind the bleep. >> he did autograph one of those
cartoons for you so i'm bringing that home. >> stephen: here's the deal-- are you telling us that you never even tried? ( laughter ) ( applause ) because as a-- as an adult male-- >> eddie murphy -- >> stephen: as an adult male-- hold on a sec. >> stephen: it does not pass the smell test. >> eddie murphy said if he could do that, he would never leave the house. he said that. i'm not capable of doing it. >> stephen: i'm not saying capable. nobody said you succeeded. >> he's probably not capable of doing it, either. maybe he was doing hot yoga in there. i don't know. >> stephen: what would you do differently if you could go back? >> i have thought about that and i say absolutely nothing. i'm going to tell you why. because what you don't want to do is you don't want to morph yourself or change yourself. you just want to be yourself. and if the good lord put you in a direction or a stream or it's going the right way, great things will happen. and if it doesn't happen, i'm totally okay with it. i'm totally cool with it. this guy has been hitting me for three straight weeks and i'm sitting here. it's fine. at the end of the day, you have
to accept what your fate is, and you have to do it without any bitterness and you have to stay humble. >> stephen: thank you for being here. >> it's a great honor. >> stephen: would you recommend to other ex-members of the trump administration to come on the show? was this a nice enough experience for you? >> i think it's been great. i would recommend it to the president. ( cheers and applause ). >> i understand you have something for me. >> i got gifts for stephen, okay. >> stephen: can we get a shot of this. let the man explain. >> he was -- >> stephen: let the man explain. hold on. let the man explain. >> listen, after he hit me so hard for three weeks, he thought he was going to hit me with that. that's why it's in the hermetically sealed case. >> stephen: that's lovely. anthony scaramucci, everybody. we'll be right back. from at&t you can get unlimited data
and live tv. the channels you love. your favorite shows and movies. making your iphone into more of a... oh my tv is ringing. hey...i'm in the middle of a...a second iphone from at&t? okay! right now when you buy a new iphone 7 from at&t you'll get a second iphone 7 on us. and power both with unlimited data and live tv. i am totally blind. and for years i've struggled with non-24, a circadian rhythm disorder that can turn my sleep cycles upside down.
wow. amazing. >> i was going to try to dance this out. >> stephen: no, that was perfect. daniel craig did the same thing when he came out here. ( laughter ) well, i'm not surprised you're dancing. you should be very excited. what a summer. >> it has been a really awesome summer. >> stephen: you're the breakout star of "girls trip." >> like i got out of jail or something. >> stephen: and you got your first comedy special coming up on... >> friday, the 18th. >> stephen: friday, 18th. >> of august. >> stephen: on? >> showtime. you didn't know that? >> stephen: it says showtime. rb r i want you to be able to say it. >> you wanted me to say it. i wanted you to say it like you're my spokesperson. >> stephen: you have a comedy special coming up on the 18th on showtime. >> i do. it's called, "tiffany haddish. she ready! from the hood to hollywood."
( applause ) >> yes, yes. >> stephen: you also were in a jay-z music video. can i show the people? >> what's going on here >> we did a reenactment of "friends." and any chance i get to play a white woman, i am there, you know. >> stephen: who are you? which one are you here? >> i'm phoebe. i'm phoebe on there. see, i'm a white woman on paper. i've been a white woman for the last, like, five, 10 years now. >> stephen: wait, hold on a second. because i'm white in almost every way. what do you mean "white on paper?" that's beyond me. >> seven years ago, the census came around, and they showed up to my house, and they asked me what my nationality was because they were counting to see how many black people were in the neighborhood. and i was like, "what do you mean? i'm american." he was like, "no, what's your race?" i said, "so are we doing that today, bringing racism right to my front door on this day? what are you, color blind?" and he said, "yes." and i said, "this is my chance."
and i had a whole conversation, like "girl this is your chance." what do you mean this is your chance? obama said it's time for change. you can be whatever you want to be today. and i said, you're right. i can be whatever i want to be. and i looked at him and said, "i'm car-casian" because i got a car, and i know a lot of asians. so i just put that together, and i told him i was caucasian. and he said okay and checked the "white" box, and it has been fantastic. >> stephen: okay, he checked the box on the census thing. >> yeah. >> stephen: how has that affected your life, though? >> oh, my goodness, a few days later, my credit score went up by 300 points. ( laughter ) ( applause ) i got-- i got a black card. i got a mexican housekeeper now. life has been really awesome! i've been booking all these tv roles because of affirmative action. they need white women to play black women. so that's me! >> stephen: congratulations. many comedians have to struggle.
they talk about the struggle they had when they're starting off. >> right. >> stephen: you had an extraordinary level of struggle. you understand-- how long ago were you doing gigs homeless? >> yeah, i was living in my geo metro, two-door hatchback, killin' the game. >> stephen: how long are we talking? >> this was, like, 2004, and 2003. i was very homeless, and i was the type of chick they didn't want anybody-- like, i'm very prideful. so i didn't want anybody to know i was homeless, so i kept my nails done and my hair done, and had my suitcases in the car. and i would cover them up with and one day i drove in front of the comedy club. i was at the laugh factory. and kiffen blankets. hart was there, and he was like, "yo, tiff, what is with all this stuff in your car? do you live in there or something?" i said, i'm between houses. leave me alone." he was like, "where are you sleeping?" i said, "beverly hills. i park on the streets on beverly
hills." he said, "you're sleeping in your car? you're a beautiful woman. you could be with any man." i said, "look, i sleep with people to heal them, not for ( applause ) roof over my head." because i got magical powers. this is-- this is, you know, where life comes from. it heals. and so, he had a long conversation with me. he had a long conversation with me-- >> stephen: i think i have a tiffany haddish problem now. wow, you're amazing. >> you need a healing? you need a healing? >> stephen: no, i'm good. i'm all healed. you're amazing. please, go on. >> so he-- we had a conversation and he said, "tiffany, you shouldn't be sleeping in your car. here is $300. get yourself a hotel room for a week." i was like, "for a week in los angeles? duuh, not going to happen." but he gave me the money and said, "make a list. make a list of goals of what you what do you want from your life. want for your life.
make a list, and when you're sitting in that room, figure out how to tackle that list." i got me a room at the snooty fox. it was by the hour, and i got myself three hours' worth of room. i took a shower and started writing out my list. and i wrote, "i want to get my own place one day, work with jada pinkett smith, and sit across from you one day and you googly eye me like yaaaaaaaaas." ( cheers and applause ) i also wrote on that list-- i also wrote that-- yes! i also wrote that, you know, brad pitt would start asking me to dinner all the time, so much where i'm like, "look, brad, i'm busy, i can't." >> stephen: he's free now. he's free now. >> i know, i know! he was free then, and now he's free now. well, he was in a mix-- anyway. ( laughter ) also, also, i wrote on there that i want to get pregnant by leonardo dicaprio. >> stephen: uh-huh... >> and i'll have my a big, old house, and that i get my own two streets.
rsh i want my own two streets, like, that intersect, one called tiffany and one called haddish. and i'll start youth centers and people will be like, "where you learn how to do that?" "i learned that on tiffany and haddish." >> stephen: that's beautiful. congratulations. what a joy just to sit next to you. >> well, you know, it's even more of a joy if you get to know me better. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ >> stephen: please read the name of your special. >> it's called "she ready! from the hood to hollywood!" it's on showtime on friday, starring tiffany haddish. it's on showtime on friday, starring tiffany haddish. everybody, we'll be right back. the seal you can trust. with stain and sealer in one... and easy to choose colors... exceptional beauty and protection have never been easier. thompson's waterseal stain and sealer. available at national retailers. when you're close to the people you love, does psoriasis ever get in the way of a touching moment?
if you have moderate to severe psoriasis, you can embrace the chance of completely clear skin with taltz. taltz is proven to give you a chance at completely clear skin. had a significant improvement of their psoriasis plaques. in fact, 4 out of 10 even achieved completely clear skin. do not use if you are allergic to taltz. before starting you should be checked for tuberculosis. taltz may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. tell your doctor if you are being treated for an infection or have symptoms. or if you have received a vaccine or plan to. inflammatory bowel disease can happen with taltz. including worsening of symptoms. serious allergic reactions can occur. now's your chance at completely clear skin. just ask your doctor about taltz. now's your chance at completely clear skin. what's going on here? um...i'm babysitting. that'll be $50 bucks. you said 30 dollars. yeah, well it was $30 before my fees,
like the dog-sitting fee... and the rummage through your closet fee. who is she, verizon? are those my heels? yeah! yeah, we're the same size...in shoes. with t-mobile taxes and fees are already included, so you get four lines of unlimited for just $40 bucks each. and now get zero down on the hottest smart phone brands like samsung galaxy. more reasons why t-mobile is america's best unlimited network.
questions? >> it doesn't bother me at all but i like real news, not fake news. you're fake news. >> stephen: sir, you see how fast you condemn cnn right off the top of your head with no script. next time like that, but with nazis. ( cheers and applause ) and-- >> we all salute the same great flag. >> stephen: no, we don't. i have seen their flags. they can't even agree which one they're going to salute. ( cheers and applause ) okay? don't mix us up. "happy belated y i cannot believe we did not see you condemn them sooner. >> this is the easiest thing for a president to do is to denounce-- there's not a sports metaphor to capture how easy this is.
( laughter ) because -- >> stephen: it's teeing off from inside the cup. ( laughter ). >> take a look, the night before, they were there to protest the taking down of the statue of robert e. lee. not all of those people were white supremacists by any stretch. >> stephen: let's take a look at the night before. just your average civic-minded torch-wielding mob, probably holding the torches so everyone could see them point out all the good people there. there's one! there's one over there! there's a good guy. look at that guy right there! he's a good one! hey! >> i think there's blame on both sides, and i have no doubt about it, and you don't have any doubt about it, either. >> wow. i did not expect that. >> i wonder if he understands what we do. >> this is chloe. chloe is extremely well trained and never barks at squirrels. unless those squirrels have ties to alt right hate groups.
that's right. ( applause ) yup. >> this week it's robert e. lee. i notice that stonewall jackson is coming down. i wonder is it george washington next week? and is it thomas jefferson the week after? you really do have to ask yourself where does it stop? >> stephen: okay, self, where does it stop? i'm going to say it stops at the people who tried to destroy the country that george washington and thomas jefferson founded. daniel craig we could use some good news here. daniel craig, will you return as james bond? >> yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thanks so much. daniel craig, everybody. >> i noticed your ears. you've got weird ears. one of the things that happens-- no, the reason i brought it up, look at my ear. that got bit off with a fight. >> stephen: what's with your ear again? whap to your ear? >> a little street altercation. i can say, that i was winning --
>> stephen: how does the street fight start michael rapaport? >> this happened in 1989. >> stephen: how old were you in 1989? >> what are you calling me old, steve. >> stephen: i'm asking how old you were in 1989. >> i was 19. i was 19. you think i'm older than i look. that's messed up, man! >> stephen: it's your... ear that makes you look old. i'm sorry. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: we'll be right back.
>> stephen: hey, that's it for "the late show"" everybody. please, ebb joy the eclipse responsibly. good night! captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show >> reggie: ladies and gentlemen, all the way from slovenia, give it up for your host, the one, the only james corden! ( cheers and applause )
IN COLLECTIONSKYW (CBS) Television Archive Television Archive News Search Service
Uploaded by TV Archive on