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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 5, 2018 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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kate, don and everyone here. >> have a good night family and sleep well. captioning sponsored by cbs >> the shape of water winning big at the oscars last night including best director and best picture. the cast and crew celebrated the big win in style at the "vanity fair" after party. unfortunately the evening turned tragic when the number man after too much champagne collapsed in a broom closet where he sadly dried out. a short service was held this morning to say goodbye. >> may he rest in peace. ( sound of toilet flushing ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! stephen welcomes david oyelowo chelsea clinton and martha
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stewart. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: whoo! i apologize. hey, everybody! welcome! welcome! thanks everybody. welcome to "the late show," ladies and gentlemen. i'm your host stephen colbert. who here watched the oscars? ( cheering ) i absolutely wanted to, but i went to a school play. that's the kind of hollywood juice i have. i can get tickets to a school play. my buddy jimmy kimmel hosted, i hear he did a great job.
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yeah. ( cheers and applause ) theoretical congratulations jimmy. ( laughter ) so many friends of the show won last night. jordan peele, guillermo del toro, sam rockwell, allison janney. i was disappointed that greta gerwig didn't win for "lady bird," and that, of 24 awards, women won only six. what happened? did the women blow all their lady points on the first female colonel sanders? ( laughter ) it's a milestone but still... ( piano riff ) this was also the first oscars without harvey weinstein, so -- ( cheers and applause ) -- everyone could breathe a little easier. without weinstein, the biggest threat there was getting nailed by armie hammer's hot dog cannon. which i think is also the plot of "call me by your name." i haven't seen it. i hear it's wonderful.
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>> jon: oh, wow. >> stephen: have you seen it? >> jon: no, i have not. >> stephen: i think that's what it's about. ( laughter ) typically, there's one cause that dominates the activism on the red carpet, but, last night, there were several. jane fonda wore a "time's up" pin, lin manuel miranda wore an orange flag pin representing "every town for gun safety," whoopi goldberg wore a red ribbon for aids awareness, and on a happier note, daniel day lewis wore a pin that said, "ask about our specials!" ( laughter ) yeah. he's retiring from acting to work full time at red robin. ( laughter ) so that's the oscars. now, i know you all came here to hear me talk about trade tariffs. ( laughter ) okay. we all know that "the phantom menace" is the best star wars. but that's not where we're going because, right before we taped, the entire news jumped on the bus to crazy town. at the wheel, former trump
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campaign aide and guy telling the stripper how much he loves his kids, sam nunberg. ( laughter ) here's what happened: robert mueller issued a subpeona to nunberg to get him to testify about the russia investigation and not only did nunberg say he won't show up, he said he was planning to go on bloomberg tv and tear up the subpoena. ( audience reacts ) no no, no, no -- smart thinking. do it on "bloomberg." no witnesses! ( laughter ) >> jon: no one will know! >> stephen: it's the perfect crime! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: but nunberg isn't afraid of spilling on tv. this afternoon, he took to msnbc to complain about the subpoena. >> why should i hand them over every e-mail i've had with steve bannon or roger stone since november? and you know what-- since november of 2015? i'm not going to produce them every e-mail i had with steve
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bannon and roger stone from november 1 of 2015. >> stephen: whoa, what happened on november 1? ( laughter ) that is weirdly specific. "officer, i'm a busy man. i don't have time to walk you out to the third storage drain north of my barn. ( laughter ) i definitely didn't dump a body in there between the hours of 4:00 and 6:00 last night." i'm not coming in. i'm not. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) nunberg had some issues with mueller's line of questioning: >> you know what they asked, which is ridiculous to me, they asked things like did you hear people speaking russian in the trump office? >> stephen: "to which i said 'absolutely nyet.'" ( laughter ) ( applause ) no! nunberg seemed to acknowledge how far he was flying off the handle.
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>> if i could tell you, once again, katy, donald trump being involved in conservative politics was not good for his business. by the way, i think my lawyer is going to dump me-- right now. ( laughter ) >> stephen: sam, i think your dentist is dumping you right now. ( laughter ) nunberg had some damning information, maybe. >> stephen: i want to hear directly from you. do you think that they have something on the president? >> i think they may. >> what? >> i think that he may have done something during the elections. but i don't know about it, for sure. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yes, finally! the smoking gun-- maybe, possibly, not for sure, who's to say? what is a "gun," anyway? i'm not coming in! but that was just the beginning. nunberg took over cable news like a car chase. he was on msnbc at 2:45, cnn at
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3:30, cnn again at 4:00, i believe at 5:00 he called into hgtv to incriminate himself on "flip or flop." ( laughter ) i'm pretty sure, after mueller gets through with him it's going to be flip. ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) is that the full clip? now, on this cnn he revealed who is to blame for this whole russia investigation. >> donald trump caused this because he's an idiot. because he decided to give an interview to lester holt the day after he fired james comey that then decided to have to have the russians in the oval office. you have to explain that one to me because i'll never understand it. >> stephen: oh, i can explain it: he was colluding with the russians! ( laughter ) and he said it out loud because donald trump is an idiot.
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but nunberg didn't make himself look all bad. he made sure to distance himself from disgraced former trump campaign aide carter page. >> they asked me about communications with carter page. do you think i would communicate with carter page? carter page is a scumbag. ( laughter ) >> stephen: as opposed to communicating with don jr. who's a much classier scum briefcase. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and he is willing to sacrifice for his cause. >> are you actually willing to go to jail for this? sam? >> i'm not cooperating. arrest me. >> stephen: you know mueller can arrest you, right? ( laughter ) that's like saying "eat me" to hannibal lecter. doesn't work out well. doesn't have a happy ending for you. he's just going to marinate you. also on the cnn nunberg dropped
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a huge bombshell about that infamous trump tower meeting. >> do you think that donald trump says, president trump says he knew nothing about the meeting. do you think that that's true? >> no. you know that's not true. he talked about it a week before. and i don't know why he did this. all he had to say was, yeah, we met with the russians. the russians offered us something and we thought they had something and that was it. i don't know why he went around trying to hide. >> stephen: oh, i know that one, too! ( laughter ) unlike you, some people try not to get arrested. ( laughter ) you've got to give that one to trump. he knows jail. ( piano riff ) ( applause ) and all of this just happened minutes ago! minutes ago!
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and nunberg also took a moment to throw some shade on former trump campaign manager corey lewandowsky, who allegedly had an affair with hope hicks. >> i despise cory. why would i communicate with him? hope hicks? who was having an affair with corey? and i was communicating? i should give them every email from november 1 of 2015? >> stephen: yes. ( laughter ) ( applause ) you have to give him your emails -- or just give mueller your password and ask if you can go to one of the nicer jails that has tennis. ( laughter ) sam nunberg is certain that trump won the election without the russians. and he's not biased. he told the "washington post," "donald trump won this election on his own. he campaigned his ass off. and there is nobody who hates him more than me." ( laughter )
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>> stephen: i don't know about that. have you met melania? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) this guy is like a snickers bar! the peanuts just keep coming! ( laughter ) nunberg kept insisting it wasn't fair, and jake tapper had some good advice for him. >> i talked to steve bannon and roger stone eight times a day. you know what i mean? why do i have to go over it? >> sometimes life and special prosecutors are not fair, i guess. i would cooperate were it me. but, you know, i'm a different breed of cat. ( laughter ) >> stephen: yeah, jake tapper is a different breed of cat. get hip to his vibe.
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he's way gone, daddio. straight from the fridge. "cnn, the most trusted name in jazz." ( laughter ) ( piano riff ) he's going to make jazz great again. it's time to make jazz great again, jon. ( laughter ) i think all of our feelings about nunberg's call-in were best summed up by this face. ( laughter ) are you happy nunberg? you broke jake tapper. ( laughter ) i keep telling jake, if you keep reporting on the trump campaign, your face is going to stick that way. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) david oyelowo is here. so is chelsea clinton! but when we return, nunes versus late night. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) ( ♪ ) stop dancing around the pain
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a little ♪ ♪ so, why don't you just meet me in the middle ♪ ♪ in the middle ♪
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( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human"! give it up! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: john, you know i've always said you're a different breed of cat. >> jon: yeah, you gotta be a good dad. >> stephen: you are way gone, daddyo. >> jon: yeah, keep it rolling baby. >> stephen: you remember about a month ago when america had memo fever? there was hashtag "release the memo," which was about a memo written by house intelligence committee chair and youngest man at the senior's brunch, devin nunes. laugh well, last friday, i went down to capitol hill to investigate the investigations and distribute my own memo about devin nunes. can you read what is on the memo? >> the memo says, "investigation
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update, devin nunes is a," and then it's redacted. >> stephen: yes, we don't know. devin nunes is a-- and we're not allowed to release that information. that's classified. cbs won't let me say it on air anyway. >> i think this should be released. devin nunes is a-- >> stephen: yeah, could be anything, we don't know. do you have any guesses what it might say underneath there? >> former dairy farmer. >> stephen: former dairy farmer? >> yeah. because he seems to be milking it right now. ( applause ) >> stephen: so as much fun as we had down there, ultimately what we wanted was for nunes to respond to us, a comedy show. but say what you want about that guy, he's not that dumb, is what i thought. >> stephen colbert was up on capitol hill, i think making you the butt of some jokes. >> i think this is the danger that we have in this country this is an example of it. so, the left controls not only
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the universities in the country but they also control hollywood in this country and the mainstream media >> stephen: hagaaaah! he took the bait! ( laughter ) nunes asked whether we reached out for our piece. >> did colbert try to reach you to have you on? >> i have no idea. >> stephen: i know. and so do the cameras we brought along. ( laughter ) hi, stephen colbert. is the congressman in? ( laughter ) >> not right now. >> stephen: he's not in? >> unfortunately, no, i'm sorry. and unfortunately, we can't film in the office. >> stephen: okay, can i leave something for him? >> of course. >> stephen: thank you very much. ( laughter ) release my memo. ( cheers and applause ) so either your staff didn't tell you that i charged into your office, or you're not telling
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the truth. so is devin nunes a liar? "not that i know of." ( laughter ) but still, nunes was a pretty good sport: >> i enjoy the attacks, if they want to continue to attack me, that's fine. >> stephen: great, because we got shows all week. ( laughter ) in fact, let's show some of the jokes we didn't use...until now. does it ever surprise you as ironic that devin nunes is the head of something called the intelligence committee? ( laughter ) >> i'm not gonna comment on that. >> stephen: okay, no problem. he was nice about that. but i also asked adam chief if nunes even wanted to learn about russian collusion from witnesses. at any point has devin nunes done this? "i can't hear you." ( laughter ) so, just to review, here's devin
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nunes' favorite president" -- good for america. >> russia, if you're listening i hope you are able to find the 30,000 e-mails that are missing. >> stephen: and here's me, danger to america: ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: oh yeah. i see it. we'll be right back with david oyelowo. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) "imagine you were given a new car of your choice." "...there's only one catch..." "...this is the last car you're ever going to get in your life..." " would baby that car..."" "...well, you don't just get one car in your life..." " get one mind and one body..." "and, it's what you do today that determines how your mind and body operates, years from now."
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fred would do anything for his daughter. get in, fred! even if it means being the back half of a unicorn. fear not fred, the front half washed his shirt with gain flings! and that smell puts the giddy in giddy up. that's because one gain flings pac has more freshness than a whole bottle of the other guy. gain. seriously good scent. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! ladies and gentlemen -- folks --
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you know my first guest from "the butler," "a united kingdom," and as reverend dr. martin luther king jr. in "selma." he now stars in the film "gringo." >> stephen: please welcome david oyelowo! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> stephen: nice to see a man who appreciates the audience. >> they're very, very lovely. >> stephen: speaking of lovely, that's a nice beard. >> thank you, thank you. yes, i'm cultivating this for a part i'm playing at the moment. >> stephen: oh are you going to play santa? you would be a great santa. >> no, i'm playing javer in a mid summer night's dream
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"les miserables," a mini series. ( cheers and applause ) no singing though, based on victor hugo's original novel as a six-part mini series. >> stephen: have you played many bad guys? >> not many. not many. i have it in there. it's not all good. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i've grown a beard before, takes me a long time, an it's just a pain the whole time it's happening. >> right. >> stephen: are you enjoying the beard? >> it's worth noting how fast you grow your beard is a sign of virility. so mine grows really fast, people. >> stephen: oh wow that's good. ( laughter ) >> but beard hygiene is an important thing. >> stephen: very important. i've read a study that that you have found in some men's beard more bacteria than you would find in a public toilet. ( audience reacts ) so i shampoo condition and oil. >> stephen: good, good. you've got the nice stroke down.
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>> yeah. >> stephen: it makes you seem extremely thoughtful. >> that's what i'm doing. when you see "les miserables," i just do this the whole time. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you were born in the u.k. >> yes. >> stephen: your family is from nigeria and you went back and lived there in nigeria for part of your childhood right? >> that's right yeah. >> stephen: now, donald trump -- ( laughter ) -- when asked about immigrants from several countries including one from nigeria is "why do we have to have someone from (bleep) hole countries?" as someone who knows and loves the place what's your reaction when you hear that? >> my first thought is someone who thinks namibia is an african country knows nothing about african countries. ( cheers and applause ) you know, i'm a very, very proud
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nigerian, and that statement can only come from someone who's never been there and is certainly ignorant of who i am and my people are. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well speaking of who you are one of the things we talked about the last time we were here, is again, you were not born in nigeria but your family is from a nigerian royal bloodline. you are literally a nigerian prince. >> i am, yes. you can say that as many times as you want. >> stephen: why aren't you the black panther? ( laughter ) or are you and you can't tell me? >> this is actually made of vibranium so i am the real black panther. what i did for dr. king chadwick boesman is doing for me.
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>> stephen: that's wonderful. have you ever been to wakanda? >> we should ask donald trump if he's ever been to wakanda. >> stephen: i think it's wakanda and namibia. >> right next to each other, a lot of trade. ( laughter ) >> stephen: as someone proud of their home country, do you have any reaction that why do we have to celebrate an african country that doesn't exist? can't we get excited about one that does exist? >> but we've told so many lies about the africa and countries that do exist that it's taken a fictional representation that is celebratory, sassy sexy, powerful to show the truth of what africa actually is because that's how it feels to be an african. >> stephen: wakanda feels more true. >> it is, it is. ( applause ) the regality that you see in the film, the mineral resources the congressocongo is one of the most
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minerally reach countries in the world. colonialism made it one of the poorest countries in the world but the resources are still there. you know, as an african i'm basically here to do all i can to get that continent to be seen in the right way and to ultimately come to a place whereby it is the best it can be and "black panther" is a beautiful depiction of how i see that continent. ( applause ) >> stephen: well, in the new movie, you've got the new movie opening on the 9th. >> yes. >> stephen: "gringo." what's your character's name? >> his name is harold, a nigerian immigrant. >> stephen: you chose to make him a nigerian immigrant. why? >> he was written as harold salinger, a white guy living in chicago. i read the script, i laughed out loud. i wanted to do a comedy, most
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people know me for my dramatic work, and i sat down with the director and decided to make him a black character. as we dusdz it, he was a guy who was trusting, hapless. i didn't want to play him as a nerdy guy. i saw my parents of going through the obstacles of big immigrants to the u.k., and there's something wide-eyed and hopeful about that disposition and i wanted that to be in that character. so i made the suggestion, i completely opened up the film. he's not stupid, just very trusting. he believes in the american dream. unfortunately, a lot of people take advantage of that. >> stephen: and we have a clip here. my understanding is your character who is a lot of bad things that happen to him down and out he decides to rig an insurance scam about being kidnapped, and -- >> ill advised. >> stephen: ill advised. can you tell us what's happening in this clip right here? do you know what snts.
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>> -- do you know what it is? >> yes, basically the pharmaceutical company he works for lied to him about his promotion, and now he is taking revenge on them by pretending that he's going to be kidnapped and, like i say he's about to realize why that's a bad idea. >> stephen: jim? look, i maude a deal with richard that if i sacrificed you, i can help -- >> you want to sacrifice me? -- thousands hundreds of thousands of underdogs. you understand? (crying) ( speaking in foreign language ) >> please, god save me from this man! please, i beg you! please, help me! please jesus please! >> harold, no one's coming in your moment p of need. you really believe in god? >> of course. what kind of person does not believe in god? >> me! i don't! >> stephen: i would believe in
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god in those moments too. ( applause ) >> yes! >> stephen: david, thank you so much for being here. >> thank you. >> stephen: good luck. thank you. >> stephen: "gringo" in theaters this friday. david oyelowo everybody. we'll be right back with chelsea clinton! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) to everyone else i look like everyone else. but on the inside, i feel chronic, widespread pain. fibromyalgia may be invisible to others, but my pain is real. fibromyalgia is thought to be caused by overactive nerves. lyrica is believed to calm these nerves. i'm glad my doctor prescribed lyrica. for some, lyrica delivers effective relief for moderate to even severe fibromyalgia pain. and improves function. lyrica may cause serious allergic reactions suicidal thoughts or actions. tell your doctor right away if you have these, new or worse depression, unusual changes in mood or behavior swelling, trouble breathing, rash, hives, blisters, muscle pain with fever tired feeling, or blurry vision. common side effects:
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( cheers and applause )( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back to the show! my next guest is an author, the vice chair of the clinton foundation, and both of her parents have won the popular vote for the u.s. presidency. please welcome, chelsea clinton! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> thank you! >> stephen: nice to see you again. >> great to be here. thanks, stephen. >> stephen: your family has a particularly unique relationship emotionally to the fact that donald trump is president of the united states. >> stephen, i think that a lot of us have pretty unique emotional relationships for the fact that donald trump is president. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: how does your family cope with that level of anxiety that donald trump i think wants to generate every day? i have my own way but i gave up liquor for lent. how do you guys talk about this at home? spill the tea. how do you guys talk about donald trump? give me a conversation recently you've had about the president? >> well, goodness... >> stephen: that's the strongest language you use?
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( laughter ) gee willakers! >> we talk about what we should be doing today which organizations and candidates should we be supporting, how do we stand against in opposition to the degradation of norms and retrograde policies around women's rights, voting rights, transgender rights and what do we do to push forward for the world both my parents have been working on since before i was born and i'm eager to help for my children, for your children and future generations? so -- ( applause ) because, as you noted the president, i think thrives on anxiety and insults. there's just always so much to talk about. because i think unfortunately this administration is kind of
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the colonel legs collision of crueltiy and incompetence. there is so much to talk about beyond the president and washington on any given day. >> stephen: does your entire family speak in paragraphs is this because that was a real doesn't get any sharper than that at all? nobody throws the glass of chardonnay at the tv ever? >> well, it's just not really productive. >> stephen: but it feels so good! ( laughter ) you must have some weaknesses. show one! be human here! what have you yelled about? >> i mean, i just would rather go to a protest or convince more people to go vote in november. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: there has been some criticism of ivanka trump recently, of her role in the white house or whether or not she should have a role in the white house. you were 0 20 when your father
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left office, but certainly you understand what it's like to be the child of the president. were you asked to fix middle east peace at any point? >> no, that never came up. we talked about my homework -- >> stephen: do you have any sympathy for her? because she is an adult who has taken on an official role in the white house. do you think she's fair game for criticism or just another presidential child? >> i think anyone who works for the president is certainly -- should expect to be scrutinized for whatever decisions not only he or she is making but whatever decisions the white house is making on any given day. >> stephen: are you guys still friends? >> i've not spoken to her in a long time. >> stephen: but you were friends before the election. >> absolutely. it's clear though, that she has supported policies and decisions that i don't agree with. i have been very vocal about my
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opposition to president trump and -- >> stephen: could you call her up and say hey maybe no war with north korea or anything like that? you are her friend, so -- ( laughter ) >> i'm sad at a we're at a point in time where that even has to be said. i mean, we'ret aponent in time where we have -- a point in time where we have a president who has such callous disregard for thoughtful coherent, kind of expert advice foreign policy is something i would hope, regardless of where we sit on the political spectrum, we could agree on. >> stephen: i would wish we could, too. ( applause ) well, let's talk about the future. >> okay, i'm ready. >> stephen: let's talk about the future. you had a book called "she persisted" and you you have a new children's book called "she persisted around the world." ( applause ) who is it -- who's this book for and what are the stories you're telling? >> well, thank you stephen. i was so struck by the resonance
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that "she persisted" had when it came out last year which tells the stories of 13 american women who inspired me over the time, so i wrote "she persisted around the world" to tell more stories of more women that i find inspiring. so i hope it will resonate with young readers, girls and boys alike. soriana de la cruz who opens the book is an author, the first person in merk to argue for a girl's equal right to education to john j.k. rawlings who was told several times no one wanted to hear the story of harry potter. jon's eyes got wide. a dozen publishers turned down the transcript and now harry potter is the best-selling single series in the history of the world. ( applause )
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>> stephen: it's not the lord of the rings but it's very, very good. >> thank you, thank you. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. good to see you again. >> thank you. >> stephen: "she persisted around the world" is on sale tomorrow! chelsea clinton everybody! we'll be right back with martha stewart. stick around! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) they say, "summer bodies are made in the winter." but they never said how. goodbye colds, hello allergies. stay right where you are, soup.
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(upbeat dance music) (dance music abruptly stopping) (dance music starting then stopping) ♪ i thought i was managing my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis. but i realized something was missing... me. the thought of my symptoms returning was keeping me
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...on a 100 colors dove invisible dry spray awarded best of beauty by allure.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back everybody! welcome back to the show! my next guest founded a billion-dollar media empire and can decoupage a mean easter egg, please welcome martha stewart! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing ) >> thank you. oh, it's so fun to be here. >> stephen: nice to see you. welcome to this show. we talked on the old show but welcome to this show for the first time, nice to see ya. >> it's freezing in here. >> stephen: it is. we like to keep the audience fresh like celery. >> crispy. >> stephen: this can't be as cold as the last place you were
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because i see this. is this yours? >> this is me. >> stephen: you just came back from antarctica. >> i was there for ten days, freezing cold. >> stephen: yeah. but wet. it was raining. >> stephen: really? raining and freezing at the same time. >> stephen: oh, that's called snow. >> no, no, i wish! >> stephen: no? it could be just above 32. >> stephen: what does penguin taste like? >> well, it's fishy. >> stephen: oh, okay. yeah, they eat at lot of cril, you know, that's what they live on. >> stephen: the tiny shrimp. yeah. >> stephen: did you actually eat a penguin. >> no! >> stephen: what's wrong with eating a penguin? you will eat a duck, won't you? >> they're endangered. >> stephen: no, they're not. they're the rats of antarctica, they call them. ( laughter ) they'll come right at you. they'll peck your eyes out if you fall asleep. >> they're the cutest little
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things. >> stephen: i bet delicious though. >> they were pecking at my legs. >> stephen: they were trying to eat you? what's fair is fair! we'll flower arrange over here and you will teach me how to do it. all right? >> okay. ( cheering ) >> so this book is all about how to grow, nurture and enjoy the flowers you grow in your garden. you grow flowers right? >> stephen: my wife grows flowers in the garden and i pay for it. ( laughter ) "martha's flowers," your 90th 90th book! yeah. >> stephen: it's beautiful. ( cheers and applause ) >> we brought you an assortment of beautiful things including this fabulous flower, it's actually a seed pod. we call them hairy balls. >> stephen: hairy balls. ( laughter ) i wonder why.
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>> don't fondle them too much. >> stephen: i won't. and pussy willows. they go together. >> stephen: it's cbs martha. this is your vase. >> stephen: my vase. yes. >> stephen: if it costs more than $5 it's a vaz. >> and there are certain techniques for pussy will rows which is salix. you take a clipper. that would be way too tall. cut it on an angle and bash the end with a hammer so that -- that's not working at all. >> stephen: whysn't it working? >> i don't you have to hit it hard enough. there, i bro you have to flatten it a little bit. >> stephen: you sure now how to pound the pussy willow. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> huh-oh. >> stephen: now listen,
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what's the best flower? >> the one that's in bloom right now. >> stephen: the flower that's in bloom now? >> yes. >> stephen: wrong. the answer is peonie. ( laughter ) what are we doing? >> the book is full of techniques. this is how to make the flower stand-up right. ( banging ) >> yeah, you did it. >> stephen: what's the pear for? ( laughter ) >> you know, i don't know who put the pear here. that's not my style. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so i take some of these and put them in there? >> oh, i would. >> stephen: is that too long? yeah. >> stephen: okay. quick proportion nat. >> stephen: a vasectomy for the hairy balls. ( laughter ) there we go. this is the dirtiest flower arranging i've ever heard of and i'm just following your instructions. >> but it's fun.
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>> stephen: we have these fancy things. >> beautiful ferns. >> stephen: what is this, vitax? >> no, mimosa. >> stephen: let's get hammered. >> yeah. and that you could eat. ( laughter ) and, you know -- do you know that tulips oftentimes will start to nod. >> stephen: they'll start to nod because they're on heroin. ( laughter ) >> so to prevent that, just take a pen any straight pin will be, and right under the head, you just pierce it. >> stephen: okay. not too hard. don't be mean. aaahhh! ( laughter ) >> stephen: this is much easier. now, what are these? >> you're enjoying it. >> stephen: what are these right here? >> those are pansies and i don't know what those are out here for. they are edible sometimes. >> stephen: i hope so. unless they have been sprayed
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with some insecticide which -- >> stephen: fantastic. ( laughter ) >> many n my garden everything is ready to eat because -- >> stephen: it's all organic. it's all organic. >> stephen: we have to go in a minute. beforehand we put one together and you did too. you go first. oh, that's absolutely gorgeous. >> see mine would look like that. >> stephen: that's great. and you know what this is called? ( cheering ) pretty good, right? but you know what this is called? >> stephen: what is that called? >> this is called love lies a-bleeding. it comes in red which is even more bleeding but the green is nice. a lot of flowers have romantic names. this is a beautiful arrangement. >> stephen: you are a
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beautiful lady. martha thanks for being here. ( cheers and applause ) the book is called martha's flowers available in stores now we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause )sorry. i can't make it. it's just my eczema again, but it's fine. yeah, it's fine. you ok? eczema. it's fine. hey! hi! aren't you hot? eczema again? it 's fine. i saw something the other day. eczema exposed. your eczema could be something called atopic dermatitis, which can be caused by inflammation under your skin. maybe you should ask your doctor? go to to learn more.
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's it for "the late show." tune in tomorrow when my guests will be oprah and justin hartley! now stick around for james corden. goodnight! captioning sponsored by cbs
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>> stephen: president trump spoke at app annual event for politicians to get together and is described as a night of bipartisan ribbing also the newest project from trojan, for no one's pleasure! ( laughter ) it's nothing! it is absolutely -- it's nothing! it's nothing! it's not a picture of anything! shut up! shut up! captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ are you ready y'all to have some fun ♪ feel the love tonight don't you worry 'bout ♪ where it is you come from it'll be all right ♪ it's the late, late show ♪ ♪ ladies and gentlemen, all the way from


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