tv 11 News at 5 NBC September 13, 2013 5:00pm-6:00pm EDT
hugh goes, i know, handsome boy. and i was like, wow! but this picture will always mean something big to me because that's wolverine and wonder woman in one picture. [ cheers and applause ] hugh's next movie "the wolverine" hits theaters on july 26th. also this weekend, i had the pleasure on saturday of spending time with the unid way of greater union county, new jersey. they had their big celebration of womanhood conference. and i spoke to the girls as well as lots of other professionals like dentists and businesswomen and judges and stuff. but we were speaking to girls on the brink. that's the age between 13 and 17 where they can go any which way. and so i was glad to be a part of the day with the girls. we have some members of united way of union right here. good morning.
how you doin'? [ cheers and applause ] as great as the weekend was, i needed it to end when i found out that randy jackson was quitting "american idol." i really needed to come here and talk to you. i so needed this. so randy sang good-bye after 12 seasons. well, he's the last remaining original judge and in true randy fashion, he's prepared a statent, which he gave to "us weekly" and this is what he says. he says -- starts his statement with, yo, yo, yo, to put all the speculation to rest, after 12 years of judging on "american idol," i have decided it's time to leave after this season. i am very proud of how we forever changed television and the music industry. [ alause ] ohrandy.
so reportedly hesn't the only one leaving us because sources say that -- well, we already now about nicki minaj and the others. keith urban, it seems like you're scared of everybody. he's not allegedly going to be staying. they're doing a clean sweep of the show except for ryan seacrest. part of me says, then just cancel the show. 12 seasons, all good things come to an end. "american idol's" ratings are down like 25%, which even with 25 hearse down, the ratings are still monster and "american idol" makes millions and millions of dollars for the network and whatnot. maybe you have to find another multimillion-dollar cash cow over there. what's that guy's name, nigel,
the executive producer might be out as well? i don't know what to say except this thing with pop stars and singers doesn't seem to be working. while at one point we were thinking that pink would make a great judge, no. and we don't want to see former winners come bac like clay or adam lambert. no. i don't know who they would put at the judge's table. and some brilliant person in my "hot topics" meeting said -- >> wendy williams! >> wendy: no, thank you. it wasn't me. oh, it was my executive producer, david. david goes, how about if we make us, the fans, the judges, like they do on "dancing with the stars," even though i think that was probably rigged also. instead of us voting, they make
us think we're voting. but it works. and maybe they can skype in with some of the regular people to talk about how the singing was on point but the hair was wrong. you criticize and we be the judges. i don't know what they're going to do. but we'll be watching. [ cheers and applause ] and, randy, unless you take up my idea and start calling simon cowell so that you and paula can join simon at "the x-factor," if that doesn't work for you, it's time for you to be a behind-the-scenes dude and produce shows and make things happen. [ applause ] so i thought it was already official but apparently it wasn't. barbara walters is retiring. okay. we talked about this several -- don't you love a black turtleneck? it pulls everything together where you're young or old.
it was chilly here in new york. i wear a black turtleneck and black leggings to work today. so barbara walters who's 83 has confirmed. i guess we were waiting for her to confirm that she is stepping down from "the view" and abc news next summer. so i said next as in this is next -- you mean this summer? is this a typo in the announcement? they said, no, next summer as in 2014. 9 why are we talking about this already? [ applause ] so -- but i would imagine she wants to stay at "the view" through next season so they can warm up to whoever's coming into the joy behar chair. allegedly hasselbeck is out. her life turned out better than
we thought. she was on that reality show "survivor." so her life turned out better than she could ever imagine. and then i guess the only two that are going to be surviving the cut will be the two black girls, my girls -- [ chrs and applause ] whoopi and sherri are hanging out. we'll see who the two new ones are. and shoutout to the makeup room, do it! they watch. okay, great news for the lohan family. and we very rarely say this. first of all, lindsay's in rehab safely tucked away at the betty ford center. [ appuse ] although word on the street is that she kind of wants to flee because they won given her her prescription for adderall. if you're like me and need to catch up on the newfangled thing
all the kids are doing, adderall is the pill version of cocaine. they tell me, you can lose wait on it and it also makes you really focus. people say, i've got add, then they get these prescriptions for adderall anthen they get tned out on it. lindsay needs her adderall and betty ford is saying no. why would you want your add rat when the only drug you should be allowed in rehab is caffeine in coffee and nicotine from the cigarettes, outside, by the way. and don't put your butts in the bushes. but the good news for the family is that the rehab center wants to have counseling with the whole family. so betty ford wants her parents to participate in family therapy and dina lohan says she's not going to do it until michael -- not until he pays her the child support that he owes.
she said that and michael turned around and wrote that check, $30,000! [ cheers and applause ] $30,000 michael has paid his child support. so the whole family is going to participate in getting lind say well, which is terrific. and there's just one other thing besides the jonesing for adderall that concerns me about her being in rehab and that is that she's got a familiar face just down the hall. it's charlie sheen's ex, brooke mueller, who is also in betty ford at this particular time. this is broo's 20th time in rehab and lindsay's sixth time. if they can keep them apart from each other, maybe the rehab thing will work for both of them. that's all. [ applause ] man, things are really heating
up between bradley cooper and his new girlfriend, that british model. you don't know anything about her. she doesn't come from the pricewaterhouse family or something like that. her daddy, i don't know what she does. she's just a girl who's 20 years old. what does a 20-year-old and a 38-year-old have in common? well, that's what i thought. nothing, a little action. here goes bradley falling in love, talking about marriage and kids with suki. he's really smitten with this girl. but his mother, gloria, wants to split them up. we've talked about bradley and his relationship with his mom, gloria. gloria allegedly thinks that suki is using bradley to launch her career. duh! what does a 20-year-old care about an old man who's 38? if anything, you should talk to your son about catching feelings
too fast with an -- an alleged opportunist. and while we're at it, it is time for your mother to move out of the house, i've been talking to you about this. the only girl who's ever going to put up with that is a 20-year-old girl who has no say-so in the house. gloria lives in the house. bradley's father passed away a couple of years ago. it was a nice gesture to move gloria into the house. but gloria is a young woman. she should be able to date and have her own life. and it would be more healthy if terms of your love life if you moved her out of the house and in a condo across town. give her a bentley and a driver and she's good. in the meantime, gloria overheard suki talking to her friends on the phone about how -- well, i don't know that it was on the phone. but in my mind, it was on the phone -- about how she's really
digging bradley and the whole bit. can't you picture gloria with a glass up to the wall listening there in the house? it's just not healthy, bradley, to have your mother ling there -- he said it's not a compound. it's like a house like me and you live in. and then your mother living -- anyway, good luck, suki. good luck, bradley. good luck, gloria. [ applause ] kobe bryant's mother probably didn't have the best mother's day on account of there's dissension in the family. i was telling you last week that kobe is suing his mom, pam, that's her down there, right looks a little like donna summers, the late, great. suing his mom, pam, to stop her from selling memorabilia that kobe allegedly left at pam's house. but my rules are, if you leave it at my house, then it's mine. [ applause ]
you've got like 72 hours to claim your crap before i start wearing it. this is a cute sweater that you left. pam allegedly received $450,000 in advance because of a restraining order that prevents pam from selling the remaining items. and i'm thinking, this is kobe being jerky. we never read anything about them having a bad relationship for anything. i was wondering, what is the root of this relationship? well, thank got for twitter. because kobe got on twitter and shared with us all exactly what his relationship is with his mother. you've got to read between the lines. and if you're watching at home, notice how ever word gets bigger. when you give, give, give and
they take, take, take, at what point do you draw a line in the sand? hurt beyond measure, gave me no warning, love, question mark. well, if you're like me, you thought that kobe had an amazing relationship with his mother and father and that he -- at the root of him, he is like a mom's boy, not in an unhealthy way like bradley cooper. but in a healthy way, like a mom's boy and loves his family and that whole bit. so i'm surprised to hear these revelations. i'm even more surprised that he's ma them so public. ms. pam, your son is kobe bryant. as long as you attempt to do right by him, you will always be taken care of. i think it's time to put the brakes on the auction but don't give back the stuff. get things right with your son and ask him if you can sell the
stuff and maybe he'll say yeah. that's all. [ applause ] i got up yesterday like:00 in the morning and i went out to the store because that's what i wanted to do for my mother's day, i wanted to run out to the store, got a couple of coffees and drove over to my mom and dad's house. i gave my mom a card and some gifts, none of which i bought because we gave away everything free here on the show. that's okay. her birthday's coming up next monday. but we've been giving away some really good stuff. i brought her all my magazines. like me, my mom loves reading the magazines and one that caught both of our eyes was kerry washington on the cover of the je "elle" magazine. [ cheers and applause ] oh, my gosh! and one day, i'm going to be up in the club with these party pants right here. this is part of my dream outfit to the club.
surprisingly, this is kerry's first appearance on a fashion magazine cover. can you believe that? i know, i was gagging, too. you give good supermodel in cutoffs. she and david alan grier will be here tomorrow. and later on is the season finale of "scandal" on thursday. speaking of good stuff to give away, it's now time for our hot stuff giveaway. [ cheers and applause ] let's e what it is. why, it's $200 worth of fabulous accessories! [ cheers and applause ] these accessories were hand-picked especially for the wendy studio audience by personal stylist at stitchfix.com.
what i love about stitch fix is they make the luxury and personal shopping available for every woman. you simply take a style quiz profile and then they send y the clothes and accessories tailored to your style. and what you don't want, you send back. it's a fabulous concept. and these things right here -- i love this cuban links little chain thing. look at this, you have the same matching thing on this side. i love bracelets and so will you. thank you so much, stitch fix. studio audience, you're all going home with this fabulous stuff. [ cheers and applause ] and we've got a great show for you. comedian colin quinn is here. but up next, don't miss the always enjoyable gabourey sidibe! ♪
boredgive it a color boost! with l'oreal healthy look crème gloss haircolor. go from mousy to glossy! l'oreal healthy look haircolor lasts through 28 shampoos. so boost the color you've got - a little or a lot. go from mousy to glossy with l'oreal healthy look. woah! what? it's called a smoky eye. [ female announcer ] you may not be the best at new trends but you know what's best for your kids. so we listened when you said gogurt should have only natural colors and flavors and no high fructose corn syrup.
thanks, mom. about huggies slip-onflavors and diapers' outstanding fit?syrup. they have these stretchy sides that move with him. these fit really good. to get it off is so easy. huggies slip-on diapers. an outstanding fit for your standing baby. only graduates lil' entrees has all for balanced nutrition. protein, grains and a side of veggies. made with no preservatives, plus a taste that's totally toddler. from gerber. the gerber generation for fruits and veggies. gerber fruit and veggies, from our growers' farms, to your baby's high chair. gerber. nourishing generation healthy.
i love when our first guest stops by. she was an oscar nominated actress for her perfmance in "precious" and now she stars on "the big c". >> don't you need a pair of diamond sparkly earrings? >> no. maybe you suld clean up your apartment a little bit. >> are you saying i'm messy? >> i didn't hear myself say that. >> i think it was implied. >> okay. put it thiway, you are messy. i didn't see your earrings, but i did see your herpes medication in the bathroom in case you're looking for it.
>> wendy: please welcome gabourey sidibe! ♪ hey, girl! >> hi. >> wendy: you smell good. what are you wearing there? >> a few things. i like chanel no.5. >> wendy: happy delayed 30th birthday. for some reason, i thought you were like 25 years old. i had no idea that you were 30. did you feel weird turning 30? >> well, i'm always sad and i cry a lot more. i'midding. i'm pretty happy because i'm pretty -- i'm a much more fantastic 30-year-old than i thought i'd be. >> wendy: good. good for you. >> yeah. >> wendy: how did you celebrate? >> well, i had the shoot in l.a. i was shooting a movie.
they threw me a birthday party which is really sweet. but the real celebration happens this week. i'm going to fly to milan -- fly to rome, i know, right? i'm going to rome and then to milan to see beyonce in concert! >> wendy: wow, that's fabulous. that's a great way to see her. >> i know. >> wendy: who are you going with? >> i'm going with a friend. and he's like a travel maven. everything is going to be super inexpensive. and we're going to see all of italy for basically like $1,000 or something. >> wendy: and snjust the two of you? >> yeah. >> wendy: is that a romanticcal friend? >> no. he's gay. maybe i could switch him. we'll see how much we drink. >> wendy: are you in a romanticcal relationship now? >> oh, god, no. i'm so happy to be single because --
[ applause ] i'm so busy, i have to travel. i'm going to be gone most of the summer, filming here, filming there. i don't need some whiny person at home saying, you're never home, i miss you. >> wendy: has that happened -- >> yeah. >> wendy: the first time i met you, you were with a boyfriend. that was a couple of years ago. we were at the club, doing it. >> doing it? >> wendy: how long has it been since you've had a boyfriend, how long have you been single? >> not long enough. >> wendy: i hear that. >> i think it's been almost a year, which is great. i've been real happy. >> wendy: i was reading an article about you. you made some headlines when you said that your boyfriend was gay or -- >> no. i did a show after the girl who was dating the basketball player that just came out -- >> wendy: jason. >> yeah. and i made a comment and said, who hast dated a gay dude? >> wendy: i say that all the time. i have. have you? >> we've all.
it's not a big deal. it was a joke based on true facts. >> wendy: but i always say, especially when we're younger and trying to hone in our good gay-dar? >> i used to think i had good gay-dar. if a guy's extra handsome, i don't care. i don't think about it and i don't care. >> wendy: so now i also heard you're tired of playing the sassy black girl. >> yeah. >> wendy: the bangs look fabulous. do it again. l. >> oh, this? >> wendy: yes, yes! and i love the highlights. what's the deal with the sassy black girl thing? >> i get a lot of -- sometimes they're like, can you be a little more sassy or can you -- i'm pretty much done saying, oh, hell, no, in every role. you should just make a drinking game out of it. watch how many times they say, hell, no.
>> wendy: you're going to have time on your hands because the -- i'm sorry the show is about to end, the big c. . the c stands for cancer on showtime. is it bittersweet or just bitt? >> it's bittersweet. i love the cast. we had a great time. but it's also okay that it's coming to an end. it's like a gararaduation -- >> wendy: it's okay for you because she's already got her next job. [ applause ] >> yes. >> wendy: she's going to be joining the cast of "american horror story" this fall. are you excited? >> it's one of my favorite shows and ten minutes ago in the dressing room, i found out that angela bassett is joining and i had my own revival. >> wendy: filming new orleans. >> wendy: do you still have your apartment here in manhatta >> i do.
>> wendy: how's your mother doing? i know you're close with her. >> she's great. she's been touring a lot -- >> wendy: she's a musician? >> yes. she's a singer. and she's going to be in romania singg for three weeks in romania. >> wendy: you just got your driver's license? >> yeah, in december. in december, i'm a brand-new driver. stay off the streets. >> wendy: where did you get it? he in new york? >> yeah. i got it here. i took the road test in staten island. >> wendy: are you going to get a car? >> no. >> wendy: i like your driver's license picture. i didn't know we were allowed to smile anymore. >> i don't think people are. but the dmv ladies knew who i was, they were very nice to me. they let me take the picture a few times. >> wendy: congratulations on finally having a driver's license, girl. >> thank you. >> wendy: we're going to take a break, everybody. gabby, when we come back, is gog to sit in our hot seat so gog to sit in our hot seat so we'll get to know even more
i'she just shopped at giant. she's got a receipt. we're gonna shop for the same items and see the difference. let's shop! kids get the after- school munchies? absolutely. even with your bonus card, you saved over a buck here at walmart. yes! here at walmart you save over $2 on capri suns. wow! that's amazing. here at walmart you saved over $1.20 on cereal. that's good stuff! o.k. big moment. same items at walmart... $91.56. that's a savings of over $15 or 14%! yes! bring your last grocery receipt to walmart and compare prices. you'll see for yourself.
♪ i love the hot seat game. and gabourey sidibe is going to play with us. we're going to ask gabby four questions, starting off warm and then turning up the heat to extra hot. gabby, are you ready? >> i fl like this is a lot of smoke. is snoop dogg back there? >> wendy: it's for the dramatic effect of the hot seat gabby, your 40-degree question, what was your most embarrassing thing that you've done while drunk? >> oh, dang. okay, this one time, i was having a corona drinking challenge with my manager to see who could drink it the fastest. and i won but then the
bubbles -- two minutes later i was like, i have to throw up. but there are like eight people in front of me. i was sitting at a table. >> wendy: aukdn't make it? >> i grabbed the water. and threw up in the water glass. it didn't overflow and nobody noticed because i'm a champ. >> wendy: you're a lady. okay. your 60-degree question, out of all of your former co-stars, eddie murphy, ben stierings lenny kravitz, who would you marry, who would you sleep with and who would you run over with your car? >> dang, that's violent. i would marry lenny kravitz because he's a good, strong christian man with his own island. i'd probably sleep with eddie murphy but i'd wrap it up because he's fertile. and i guess i'd hit colin
farrell wi my car. >> wendy i said ben stiller -- >> oh, sorry! >> wendy: it's okay, girl. >> oops! ben stiller, too, he could get it. >> wendy: your 80-degree question, would you ever give up your career for a man? >> no, hell, no, no, no, no, no! >> wendy: not even if he had the money of a count and a castle -- >> oh -- >> wendy: you're thinking about it. >> my career makes me way happier than any man has. >> wendy: great answer. okay. here's your 100-degre question, gabby, who'd be your celebrity one night stand? >> there are so many choices. ryan gosling. >> wendy: there you go.
give some love to gabourey sidibe. up next, comedian kol inquinn. thank you! ♪ [ male announcer ] introducing new fast acting advil. with an ultra-thin coating and fast absorbing advil ion core™ technology, it stops pain before it gets worse. nothing works faster. new fast acting advil. look for it in the white box.
[ cheers and applause ] >> wendy: our next guest kept us laughing season after season on "surday night live." he says it like he means it which makes him our kind of guy in his new one-man show "unconstitutional." please welcome the funny man, colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] >> wendy: i'm glad that you're here. >> i'm glad to be here, too. if i hear ryan gosling's name out of one more woman, i'm going to -- we get it. he's kind of cute. >> wendy: although you know i'm lobbying for him to play christian grey in "fifty shades of grey." i think he'd be perfect. >> i think he'd be perfect for everything.
i think he should be president of the united states. enough with him. >> wendy: are you a native new yorker? >> yes, i am, as a matter of fact. i'm from brooklyn. [ cheers and applause ] >> well, i'm from park slope. that's not considered brooklyn anymore. it's kind of a swiss villag now. i was there yesterday for mother's day. mother's day's a little -- i don't want to jump on the kobe bandwagon on this. but it's a weird holiday because i don't like any holiday where you get the same gifts that you get for valentine's day for the person you're sleeping with, chocolate and flowers. it's creepy. >> wendy: that is a point. >> thank you. >> wendy: and so i also heard that one of your best friends is jerry seinfeld. >> big jer. why is that good news? he's not giving me any of that money. what are you all happy about? >> wendy: i saw him out once. tell him i said hello. hello jerry. >> i will.
>> wendy: your style of comedy, we love it because it's in your face, it's say it like you mean it. do you ever get in trouble for it? >> sure i have. over the years, especially in the politically correct environment we live in, there's certain things you're not supposed to talk about. >> wendy: like what? >> well, race is one of the big subjects especially. you're not supposed to mention racial things. when i was growing up, if i told a true story and i was like, well, you know, this black guy -- people go, yeah what happened? now if i tell it, people go, whoa, why does he have to be black in your true story? >> wendy: or god forbid black. why not african-american? i stick with black. >> me, too. >> wendy: and how are you with making jokes about the president? >> do i look like a creep with my jacket -- should i unbutton it? >> wendy: you look fine. >> it's kind of weird. i'm not really a fashion person. >> wendy: why did you wear your
jacket out? >> because i wanted to be -- i was afraid to be underdressed. so i figured i'd put a suit on. >> wendy: this is a fashionable crowd. >> i know. >> wendy: we even have a shoe camera. >> oh, no. >> wendy: yes! we are fashion here. we are fashion. >> i know. that's why i'm so aware. but the president, yeah, well, the only person that's made any jokes about president obama in the five years he's been in is president obama. that's how people -- that's how scared people are to make jokes. no late-night talk shows. only he makes them at the white house press conference telling people, it's okay to joke about me, i'm doing it. people joke around the president. they'll be like, did you hear the joke about president obama? what? joe biden. ha, ha, ha. >> wendy: in your show, you have kardashian jokes. >> they're not kardashian jokes.
they're like the symbol of america because the whole principal -- the reason people have hope in this country is you don't have to be a genius to make a lot of money in this country. and kris jenner -- she's got that -- basically the original husband, o.j.'s lawyer, he was famous, he carried the bloody clothes out. people forget that. and then a few years later, the daughter makes a sex tape. most people would think, family, get together, keep it low key, got a couple of shady incidences. she's smart, understands the system. she's like, get over here, family, we have a murder, cover-up, sex tape, this is our shot! >> wendy: colin worked on both "saturday night live" and "in living color". >> yes, i did. >> wendy: you've been around.
>> i've been around. >> wendy: what's the difference in tms of the atmosphere? >> well, obviously the luncon menu is a little different. "in living color," it was chinese food. "saturday night live" is more like sushi. and the time difference, like on "snl," everybody showed up at the same time. "in living color," everybody shows up whenever they want to. nobody gets mad. nobody even mentions if somebody's like two hours like. >> wendy: it's c.p. time, colored people's time. it was really nice to meet you. >> thank you so much. >> wendy: everybody, you can check out colin quinn, his show is called "unconstitutional." it's at the barrow street theater until june 4th. up next, time for "ask wendy." keep it here. ♪ ♪ [ horn honks ] kevin!
and that's the kind of quality that mcdonald's expects. [ superfan ] we're hitting the road to help america discover the new helper. ♪ you've got to try this sweet & sour chicken helper. i didn't know they made chicken. there's 40 different flavors? i would absolutely look into trying them all 'cause this is very good. crunchy taco or four cheese lasagna? i love cheese. [ laughs ] who doesn't? can i get another one of those actually? thank you. [ laughs ] ♪ [ superfan ] hey, america, we're here to help.
but once i got recognition from my boss, she stopped talking to me. another person told me, she smiles to my face and talks about me behind my back. i think it might be jealous of me. should i keep it quiet or confront her. >> wendy: i have full chapter in my book called "workplace drama." and one of the things i say, work is not a pce to make friends. it's a place to know people. you can know people and be cordial. no, you shouldn't confront because she's going to try to play you out of your position and make you look crazy in front of your bosses. keep your mouth shut. and about this friend who told you she's talking about you behind your back, don't friend up with her either. workplace is not the place for friendships or love. good luck climbing the corporate ladder. up next, everybody, we'll share some of your comments about today's "hot topics." keep it her ♪
♪ ♪ i've got something for you too. (announcer) fancy feast delights with cheddar. a meal that is sure to delight your cheese lover. now available in the classic form she loves. fancy feast. the best ingredient is love. ♪ smile on your brother ♪ everybody get together ♪ try to love one another ♪ come on, people, now [ female announcer ] breyers. the taste you've loved for over 140 years. ♪ right now
feedback. earlier in "hot topics" i was sharing with you that randy jackson is leaving merican idol" after 12 seasons. and this is what you had to say. i will truly miss randy but they need a major shake-up in order to shake up the show. another writes, it's time for the show to be canceled. and robin says, yo, yo, yo, bye-bye, dog. thank you for all your commes. you can always join in on our lively comment each day on my facebook and twitter pages. we'll be right back. keep it here. [ cheers and applause ]
new almay cc cream is kind of a life changer. it covers, corrects, clarifies. one. it's my look good while doing good for my skin make-up. [ female announcer ] hey, ladies. you love it. you've gotta have it. 'cause that cinnamon and sugar is so irresistible. cinnamon toast crunch. crave those crazy squares.® [ cheers and applause ] >> wendy: i had the best time today.
you know, my co-host, my studio audience, thank you for being my beacon of light. [ cheers and applause ] i would invite you to join me if you have time in your schedule, we're here in new york. the tickets are free. and we're doing live shows through the end of july. so we are here for you. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow on the show, from the movie "peeples" kerry washington is here along with david alan grier. and we are going to put them both in the wendy hot seat. plus we've also good sexy guy candy tomorrow. i love you for watching today. see you next time on "wendy." bye-bye ♪ to go to summer camp.
are you kidding? you'll have a great time. look at this one. it's a computer camp with a theater program. ethernet by day, "no, no, nanette" by night. i don't want to go to camp. if the kid doesn't want to go, don't make him go. yeah. he's ten. he's old enough to work. what? when i was your age, i spent my summers hosing tarantulas off bananas in the back of my stepfather's truck. hey, what's going on? i'm going to camp. ok. morning, all. beautiful day. you're in a good mood.
well, i suppose i am. i got a little e-mail this morning from an ex-girlfriend who says she needs to "see" me. no kidding. i wonder if she's "knocked up." nobody's knocked up. i haven't heard from her in five years. so she's bringing you a four-year-old. believe me, nobody's bringing anything. remember jill? jill the slob? yeah, but do you remember how hot she was? yeah, well, sure, she was a tight unit, but she left dirty dishes everywhere. swear to god, this broad left half-eaten casseroles in the bathtub. so? with a body like that, she could drink out of the toilet if she wanted to. wait a minute. isn't she the one who dumped you? somebody dumped charlie? broke his little black heart. it was pathetic. she didn't dump me. she had personal problems and moved to europe to, you know, find herself. berta? he wept. i did not. i felt the appropriate amount of sadness
for a good relationship that had run its course. i had to carry him to bed three nights in a row. i was perfectly happy sleeping under the deck. you bring her home, you clean up after her. thank god you never get any. hey. hey. what can i get for you? white wine, please, maybe a chablis. you know, uh, make it a beer. l-light beer. just a beer. another one? might as well. looks like i'm getting stood up.
chicks, huh? maybe she's got a good reason. i'll tell you what. if it were any other woman, i'd have been out of here an hour ago. really? oh, yeah. this girl... this girl is something different. how so? well, did you ever go out with somebody who was not only great in bed, but also like a really cool friend? yeah, once. in fact, now that i think about it, the friendship was the best part of our relationship. no kidding. yeah, the sex was a little weird. we would, like, wrestle to get on top. she would actually get angry if she wasn't up there. maybe she had a good reason. maybe. charlie, look at me.