>> be breezy, fellas. >> hey, man, you think we ever gonna let women just turn us into punks like that when we grow up? >> ella! ella! ella! malik, where's your auntie? malik. malik! where's your aunt ella? >> she's stuck in traffic with jazmine and mom. >> she's stuck in traffic. she's stuck in traffic. uh, okay. everybody calm down. everybody calm down. okay. uh, either one of you ever delivered a baby? >> oh, yeah, i do that all the time in biology class. oh, i delivered triplets last week. >> oh, you did. come on with me. >> i was playing! >> stop playing! [ door closes ] >> is your uncle curtis always like that? >> pretty much. >> i told you we should've left earlier. >> how was i supposed to know an accident was gonna be backing up the highways? >> had we left earlier, then we would've missed the accident. >> i might as well play --

>> ah-ah-ah-ah. you play no more games, no more games. let's go. we're gonna go to my house, watch a movie. >> fine. malik, watch out for the space monkeys. >> calvin! let's go! [ video game sounds ] >> look out, malik. don't nobody tell me what to do. >> calvin? calvin. you want to be alone tonight? what's up? uh-huh. unh-unh. aha. >> man, your auntie tracie is no joke. >> and your cousin calvin? he is. >> [ panting ] >> oh, i thought you were going to get your wife. >> ooh! she's stuck in traffic. okay, where's your husband?

>> he's already at the hospital waiting for me. >> well, why the hell you didn't go with him? >> i was on my way to meet him there, but he left straight from work. the traffic was too bad to get there. >> ooh! well, can't we call him? can't he come pick you up or something? >> oh, sure. aah! >> don't do that. >> after traffic clears! now, what the hell is your problem? don't you know what to do in this kind of an emergency? >> that was 27 years ago! and whatever i learned then is not gonna help you now. but if your baby grows up and becomes an arsonist, i'm your man. >> do you have kids? >> yeah, i think. >> well, weren't you there when they were born? >> kind of, sort of. >> what does that mean? >> i was there, but i passed out. >> okay. okay. well, then, just sit down. sit down for a second.

listen, my husband and i -- look at me! >> what?! >> my husband and i have watched a lot of films, and we've taken several classes. >> oh, that's good. that's good. >> it's -- it's not hard at all, okay? i'm gonna walk you straight through it, all right? >> okay, we walk through it. we walk through it, like the valley of the shadow of death. >> uh-huh. >> we walk right through it. okay. i'll be back. [ panting ] >> hey, son, was that your uncle curtis? >> yup. >> what he up to now, kid? >> i don't know. >> [ panting ] okay. okay. we got that. we got that.

doing okay. okay, okay, okay, okay. aah! and let's go. >> hey, bro, did you hear something? >> nope. >> okay, cool. >> calvin, look.

i don't think i can do this. >> what you mean? >> i mean you're a big kid. you sleep till noon. you eat cereal all day -- breakfast, lunch, and dinner. who does that? your dad pays your bills. >> so, tracie, what's the problem? >> the problem is you're trifling. look, i've already got kyle in my life. i don't need two little boys. so, if you want to be with me, i need you to step it up and become a man, calvin. >> okay...already. fine. pay you more attention and... start acting my age. >> cousin calvin, come quick. we just got on level 9. >> ooh! i'll be right -- ugh -- here, talking to tracie. >> i know. i know. but, look, can you send a helicopter or something? what? this is a life-or-death emergency!

look, if this woman has a baby in front of me, i'm gonna die. hello! ooh, damn! [ grunts ] [ glass shatters ] [ whimpering ] >> sir? please, can you stop calling people? i really need you to just calm down. >> okay. i am calm. i am calm. >> please, just relax, okay? look, look, just take a deep breath. come on, please? okay, just take a deep breath. >> i don't want to breathe! >> take a deep breath! all right? just like this. [ breathing deeply ] hooooo! >> hoooo! hoooo! ♪ oooh >> good. now are you calm? >> no! [ whimpering ] >> okay. come out from under there. >> no.

>> come out! >> [ whimpering ] >> i need you to stop freaking out and sit in that chair, all right? all right, come on. just sit down. look. all right, look at me. look at me. come on. come on. come on. look. look. okay. good. now put your hand on your belly. okay? on your belly, dummy. put your hand on your belly and rub it in a circular motion. good. like that, yeah. now we're gonna take a deep breath in. good, deep breath. and exhale slowly. hoo. >> [ growls ] >> good. good. >> [ growls ] >> now are you calm? >> yes. >> okay, good. because my water just broke. >> aah! damn! i'm gonna get you the mop! ♪ ♪

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hold on. can we just get situated? got to be prepared for everything. okay, you all right? you okay? you're doing good. you're doing good, okay? all right. >> sir, don't leave me! >> i'm not going anywhere. i'm just gonna watch from over here. i'm farsighted. it's okay. >> o-o-o-kay! okay, i need to lie down. >> o-okay. aaah! don't! we eat on this table. you can't do that. hold on, hold on. hold on. hold on, hold on. okay. here we go. here we go. here we go. ♪ now go to sleep, little baby okay. come on, sit on this. sit on this. okay, sit right there. it's okay. i got it. sit up on it. okay. okay, hold on.

hold on. let me do this. let me do this, 'cause... [ whimpers ] they folded it -- they folded it wrong! okay. >> thank you. >> okay. okay. >> that's sweet. >> okay. it's okay. it's c.j.'s blanket. >> oh, something for my head, something for my head. >> okay. okay. something for the head. something for the head. okay. okay. >> [ moaning ] >> okay? now i lay me down to sleep. i pray my soul to keep... that this baby come out before i wake up! [ screams indistinctly ] >> [ moaning ] >> let me know when you're finished. >> sir, come back, please! somebody's got to catch the baby! >> oh, no, i can't catch the baby. i'm not -- i'm -- i'm -- baby, i'm a fullback. i'm not a receiver. >> shut up, all right?

now, look. you are gonna help me deliver this baby, and you're gonna like it, all right? do you understand?! >> ye-e-e-s. >> [ groaning ] >> [ deep voice ] here you are, darling. >> thank you. baby, what do you think about the immigration debate? >> [ normal voice ] huh? uh, coming, malik. malik, what do you know about the immigration debate? >> well, um...you know. it's a long history of, um... you know, um...um... people -- people coming -- coming -- coming here, so -- >> oh, my god, you're no help. you're no help. >> you could just roll with -- >> kyle? >> i dropped out of school, bro, so...

>> i can remember this. [ chuckles ] [ deep voice ] that was a funny joke. thank you. thank you. kids. well, uh, it's complicated because, um... we are -- there's laws which we can't ignore, and we're a great and compassionate nation with a long, very long, extremely long history of accepting people from all over the world. yes, that is a great... >> why are you talking like that? >> well, this is -- this is how i speak. [ telephone ringing ] darling, the phone is ringing. excuse me. hello. yes, mother, hey. just play along with me. yes. oh, wow. you're still stuck in traffic. oh, my god, well... uh... [ normal voice ] mom, i can't cook dinner.

yes, ma'am. [ chuckles ] [ deep voice ] that was my mother. yes. >> is everything okay? >> yes. she seems to be stuck in traffic, and she would like me to help her prepare dinner. >> yeah. okay. so you cook, huh? >> no. yes. yes. yes, of course. i was a "calendary" arts major last fall in college. >> do you mean culinary arts? >> darling, that's what i said. >> anyway, whatever. you want me to help you? >> absolutely. yes. yes, i would love that. >> let me see what you got. >> thank you. i'll be here. >> [ moaning ] >> you're doing good. you're doing good. you're doing good. you're doing good, okay? you're gonna breathe. keep breathing. keep breathing. >> sir?? >> >> i really appreciate -- i really appreciate all the good words of encouragement, but the baby's not coming out of my ear, okay? you're gonna need to go down

there. >> i can't go down there. i don't even know you like that, woman! i don't even know your name. >> well, it's crystal! now, get down there! >> i'm curtis payne. [ whimpering ] okay. hold on. got to get three of these on. >> [ moaning ] what are you doing all the way over there? i'm not gonna shoot it to you! >> come on, bend it like beckham! >> ohh! ow! oh, god! sir? did you really play football? >> yes, i did. >> well, get ready, 'cause he's at the 30. [ screams ] the 20. the 10. ohh...he could go... all the way!

>> time out! time out! >> there are no time-outs! >> [ whimpering ] >> [ crying ] >> oh, it's a touchdown. it's a touchdown. it's a boy. >> is he okay? >> is he supposed to look like a shar-pei? >> did you call my baby a dog? >> yeah, with a leash. oh, look at you. >> are you okay? >> yeah, i'm good. i'm good. >> good. because we're going into overtime. >> no. >> yes. >> no. >> i'm having twins. >> no. we got to vote. do you want twins? he don't want twins. i got to put you back. i got to put you back. >> [ crying ] >> man, can you believe traffic? >> it's amazing what we have to put up with in this job. >> i'm just glad it's clear now and --

>> aww, unc, what's up with the babies, man? >> aren't they beautiful? >> hi! >> and i delivered them all by myself. >> excuse me. >> oh, i had a little help. everybody, this is crystal. crystal, uh, uh, uh, uh -- she was the quarterback. i was the receiver. [ laughter ] >> it was really tough, sir, but you came through for me. would you mind if i named one of my boys after you? >> oh, not at all. not at all. >> ma'am, you sure you want to name your baby curtis booker t. payne? >> oh, that's your name? maybe i could just bake you a cake. >> that's a good call. >> what are you talking about? that's a good, solid, family name. >> yeah, so is george herbert walker bush, but you don't want to name your kids that. >> look, bart and keenan, do y'all mind going to get the stretcher so we can take crystal and the boys to the hospital? >> my pleasure, chief. >> no problem. >> like a good baby. hey, uh, c.j. you might want to get your blanket cleaned.

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be home soon. >> good. what the hell's wrong with your voice? >> nothing, father. [ chuckles ] >> who cooked all this food? >> i prepared it. >> no, for real. who cooked the food? >> okay. tracie helped me. [ chuckles ] your plate's in the microwave. >> all right. you cooked all this with tracie? man! your mama can't get you to butter toast. >> father, father, father. [ laughs ] sit down, please. >> so, what's gotten into you? >> father, father, father. oh. oh. interesting. you don't have a lap. there you go. mnh! [ laughs ] >> what -- what did you -- what is wrong with you? >> i will ignore that, father. look. >> don't ignore that.

>> tracie. tracie. she is very special. she makes me want to step my game up. yes. >> [ deep voice ] luke, this is your father. [ breathing heavily ] i'm glad you have stepped your game up. it is nice to see you growing up, simba. >> thank you, father. and to celebrate my manhood, i will go beat malik's high score. >> ugh! may the force be with you... jerk. sony pictures television

oh, not tonight! not tonight! [telephone rings] hello. hey, honey. listen, i have a problem. yeah, tell me about it. i can't find the salsa. what?! i bought salsa yesterday, and it disappeared. it's gone! ok, well, i'm sorry to bother you

during this very difficult time. uh, but i just found out that i have to work late tonight, so i'm not gonna be able to pick up your mother from the airport. well, i--i can't, either! i got a poker game! calm down. i will call a cab for your mother. ok? ok. that solves the easy problem. all right. i gotta go. sure! just run away like you always do! ok. bye-bye. bye-bye, now. yeah-- hey. oh, great. those idiots didn't order enough sandwiches. oh. well, i can double your sandwiches right now. what a great idea. yeah? and then i will put them on smaller plates. that makes everything look bigger. i try that trick with my husband. doesn't work. oh, yeah. oh...thanks for stayin' late. it's been crazy around here, what with tom weaver leaving. uh, sherry. yes. i--i was wondering if, uh-- and you can tell me if this is stupid-- but do you think that i would be considered for mr. weaver's job? oh! [telephone rings] excuse me. dugan group. i found the salsa.

and i know i said some things maybe, in the heat of the moment-- so, anyway... you were saying? i think you would be a great candidate for the job. really? of course, you'd have to familiarize yourself with tom's projects. yeah. of course. yeah. but i have to tell you, there is one thing that might weigh against you with the hiring committee. oh. what? i don't want to hurt your feelings. oh, no. no. tell me. well, the thing is, i know how bright and talented you are, but the committee, uh, might not be able to appreciate that because of the way you...talk. what? the way i tawk? what's wrong with the way i tawk? carrie, this is a real estate company, and when i hear you say, um, [using accent] "you know what i'm tawkin' about?" and "how about this friggin' weathuh?" it sounds like you'd be more at home unloading trucks at the fish market. ok. i get it. or, you know, mixing cement. mmhh. i--i get it. thank you so much, shelly. yeah. work on that. all right. ok.

ok. i'm gonna... i'm gonna raise 2. i fold. yeah, me, too. you know what, doug, my boy? [chuckles] i am all in. w-what are you doin'? just in case you try to read these eyes. thank god i got the flop sweat and the shaky hands to fall back on. i call. dammit! doug?! yeah, ma? do you know what channel my show's on? i'm not sure, but i'm--i'm gonna guess lifetime. hey, babe. hi. yeah, that's it, spence. put the drink next to the coaster.