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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  March 22, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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welcome to "the late show," everybody. thanks so much. welcome to "the late show," everybody.
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folks, how about that new featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody! that wet my whistle. that wet my whistle. folks, you probably know this,
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voted in super tuesday. making today "my god, what have we done?" wednesday. this is the road to the white house. >> but, mr. trump, you're not a nice person. ( applause ) now, on the democratic side, the race is between frontrunner hillary clinton and the senator from the great state of your liberal friends' facebook feed, bernie sanders. bernie won vermont, oklahoma, minnesota and... colorado. ( cheers and applause ) but secretary clinton had a massive sweep of everything else. low turnout meant a rough night for sanders. evidently, a lot of people who
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down by some preparation h. ( laughter ) on-- on-- on the republican side, the voters spoke, and they said "blaghahghahghahghghghghaaaah!!" ( applause ) and i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly. ( laughter ) because donald trump dominated super tuesday with a seven-state win-boree. and it looks like trump might have the nomination in the palm of his tiny, wet, pink hand. but the biggest winner of last night's losers was ted cruz, who managed to take home victories in texas, diet texas, and snow texas. ( laughter ) that put cruz ahead of marco rubio, his top rival in the race to be the final candidate to pass through donald trump's digestive tract. rubio won only one state, minnesota, which is really exactly what he wanted.
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last night was not supposed to be my night. i never said super tuesday was going to be our big night. >> stephen: yeah, he never said super tuesday was going to be his big night. i mean rubio was just asking voters if they wanted to see a movie this weekend. when they said no, he said, "good, i didn't want to either. i hate movies. wow. we have so much in common. do you want to go to the movies?" and he wasn't the only candidate to perfectly realize his goal of not-winning last night. so did ohio governor john kasich. >> super tuesday was never anything that we ever thought was going to be some great thing for us. >> stephen: it's never going to be a great thing. you thought we wanted to win? it's only 13 states, man. let those square candidates fight over who wins and becomes president. kasich still has a clear path to the presidency. just take the white house tour, sneak into the oval office, lock the door and claim squatter's rights. it could work. it's the same strategy used in
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raccoon. ( laughter ) it was a brief-- it was a brief but effective administration. but here we are. trump. now, traditionally, when a clear nominee emerges, the party rallies behind him. for instance, in 2012, they rallied with: "sure, mitt romney! he's president-shaped!" ( laughter ) but now, there is some doubt whether the party will ever be enthusiastic about trump. but for all those fears that are out there, all of them were laid to rest last night by former rival chris christie's joyous and energetic introduction of trump at the victory rally. >> good evening. tonight, donald trump is the clear winner on super tuesday.
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tonight is the beginning of donald trump bringing the republican party together for a big victory this november. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: chris christie kind of sounds like the best man at a wedding he never believed in. now it's too late to stop. "jennifer and mark-- what a couple, who did, actually, just get married. it happened. we all saw it. it's real. ( laughter ) some of you know that jennifer and i have a bit of history, but that's what it is... history. right, jen? we're just friends now.
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best man because i am happy for you, and the groom volunteered to pay off my campaign debts. cheers!"
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only those who dare drive the world forward.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an oscar-winning actress who stars in the new installment of the "divergent" series, "allegiant." >> the factions kept chicago peaceful for a long time. >> well, i wouldn't know about that because i was forced out of my faction. i gave up my life, my child, everything! >> i understand your anger, evelyn, i do. but the way forward -- >> the way forward has already begun. i know i said i'd be alone, but i'm not candor and i'm not amity. so i will lie and i will fight if i have to. >> you see these scars? i wasn't born amity. and i can assure you i'm not
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believe in. >> stephen: please welcome octavia spencer! ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i like that. not every guest dances on the way out. thank you very much. >> it's the only exercise i get sometimes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: now, i understand you're actually-- you're from the deep south. you're from alabama. >> montgomery, alabama. >> stephen: but you don't have any accent, what gives? >> well, i do when i work. i did a lot of speech competitions to pay for college. and it kind of eradicates any type of dialect. >> stephen: but when you work you have an accent, but in your real life you don't. >> in my real life-- >> stephen: only when you
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have your actual accent. >> yes. >> stephen: that's way more complex than i can understand. >> it's true. i'm more relaxed, and i think it comes out. >> stephen: oh, really? >> yeah. >> stephen: i'm from charleston, south carolina, and i don't really have an accent, either, unless i get a little too much to drink or i get really angry. then it comes out. >> yeah, i get really-- yeah, that-- that would be true for me, too. ( laughter ). >> stephen: i don't want to see. i don't want to see it. >> i get real southern. yes, i do. >> stephen: how do you go from montgomery, alabama, to winning an oscar? >> with a little nissan sentra. >> stephen: did you drive yourself out? >> i did. i have a television because i didn't know if i was going to find a tv. a television, $3,000 and a laundry basket with all of my clothes. >> stephen: wow. >> yeah. >> stephen: and you didn't start off as an actress, did you? >> i didn't, i wanted to be-- well, there are a few things i wanted to be. but i love broadcast journalism, and i loved jessica savage, so growing up i would also sign off, "i'm jessica savage. nbc news."
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have an accent. you're imitating a news person. you don't know where the hell they're from. that's the whole part of the job. when i was a kid i wanted to sound like john chancellor. when i watch tv, i noticed on tv they would indicate someone was dumb by giving them a southern accent, and i didn't think southern people were dumb but i didn't want to seem i was dumb by having one. >> i kind of love it when people think i'm dumb with a southern accent because then i turn into ben matlock. sure. >> stephen: you can hustle them. >> i can hustle them with my wrinkled suit, very columbo-ish. >> stephen: you started off as a casting director. how would you cast yourself? what would you cast yourself in? >> i never really thought about that. >> stephen: really? >> my first job i got cast as a nurse and i, you know, became the, you know, eventual nurse all the time.
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apparently, i have a sweet face. >> stephen: you do. >> i think i have a hot face. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: it's a fine line. it's a fine line. how would you cast me? >> i would cast you as, like-- okay in a commercial, i you would be, like, the businessman with gas. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's type casting. that's type casting. >> no! i mean-- >> stephen: no, no, no, no. you've been talking to my doctor. >> no! >> stephen: so i'm the one who's bloated and i need the maalox, or something like that. i've just come off the flight, i'm trying to get my rental car and i'm going oooo! i'm not sure i could act that well. i'm not sure i could act like i had gas. >> you would sell it because your face is so sweet and "oh, the gas." yeah. >> stephen: what do people-- what do you look for when people come in to audition? i have to tell you, i was an actor in chicago for years and years and years. i could not get arrested in a casting session.
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because i had to write everything of my own. no one would cast me in anything. what do you look for when somebody comes in? if there are people out there who want to get cast, how should they come into a casting session? >> i think-- it's kind of sad-- that there's-- everybody thinks inside the box. and this is why you're so successful because there's no one else like you. >> stephen: oh, so sweet. so sweet. ( cheers and applause ) >> so-- >> stephen: yeah. >> we've got to let them >> stephen: think outside the >> think outside the box. script. >> exactly. i'm going to come in and do my own monologue this is what you're going to do on tv. i'm not going to do what you wrote. >> stephen: thanks for stopping by. there's the door. now, in the movie "allegiant," there are these different-- >> factions. >> stephen: factions, exactly. like, soldiers. >> yes. >> stephen: there's um--
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we're all about the agriculture and peace and harmony and love. >> stephen: there's candor, abnigation, like public service. >> public service. >> stephen: and erudite. which one would you naturally be put in, do you think? >> i-- i honestly-- i would hope that i have all of those traits. but i-- i would probably want to be amity. i probably would want to be amity. >> stephen: you don't want to be dauntless, one of the guys who can kick ass, and take names? >> i like that idea but somebody, you know, hits me, i'm going to cry. ( laughter ) so i would like someone else to be dauntless, and i-- i think about that. i waffle a lot on which one i would actually be. >> stephen: we have to take a little break can you stick around. >> absolutely. >> stephen: we'll be back with
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( band playing ) ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we're back with the lovely and talented octavia spencer. now as an oscar winner and african american what did you make of the oscars so white campaign? did that resonate with you? did you think that was something that needed to be done? >> i understand the rancor. but i-- i-- i-- to make a baking analogy. >> stephen: a baking analogy. >> to make a baking analogy. >> stephen: i wasn't sure if it was bacon or baking. >> i'm from the south, so it could have been bacon. but, okay, the oscars are the cherry on the top of the cake. okay, the cake itself is the prize. and the problem is i think instead of being angry with the people who put the cherry on top of the cake, you should probably be more upset with the grocery
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to all of the ingredients. because without all of the ingredients, there is not a reasonable expectation that you can get the cherry. ( applause ). >> stephen: and, if you're, you know, if you're gluten intolerant, the metaphor doesn't work at all. >> it doesn't work at all. >> stephen: right. you also do another thing. you also write books. you have a series of young adult books called randy rhodes, ninja detective. that's two of the coolest things you can put together, ninja and detective. why did you start writing these and what was your motivation? >> i'm dyslexic and i read mystery books as a child and it kept me engaged with reading and i thought i would want to do something to give back to kids that helped me in a way. and this is basically the-- a love letter to all the things that i love-- ninjas, detectives, bruce lee, everything. >> stephen: you got some advice. you got some advice for the kids
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kind of detective work in here. >> yeah. >> stephen: i have to take issue with one of the things you have in here. this is in appendix "a" under "conduct a stakeout." things you'll need, food and water, camera, binoculars, patience, a notebook and pen. diapers, optional. ( laughter ) stock up on diapers if you can't resist eating and drinking on duty. ( laughter ) so, this is so you don't have to leave your car? >> kind of, but these are kids. so they're not going to be in cars. they're going to be in the bushes. ( laughter ). >> stephen: they're kids. they're not going to be conducting a stakeout, but now you got kids asking their parents to get them diapers. this one is, "go incognito." >> yes. >> stephen: things you'll need-- this is disguises. things you'll need, rubber bands. why? why do you need rubber bands? >> change your hairstyle. >> stephen: oh, okay. >> yeah, yeah. >> stephen: hat. >> hat. >> stephen: scarf or sweater, i understand. glasses. here's one i don't get, cotton
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( laughter ) are you going to disguise yourself as a rabbit? what's happening? because i have some here. i have-- i have a jar of cotton balls. why do i need-- what do i do with cotton balls? >> you stick them in your mouth to make your face look fuller. fool someone that you're heavier. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( laughter ) ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) >> you're unrecognizable!
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stephen colbert went! but i am so happy to meet octavia spencer! i feel like i'm doing a-- a local theater production of "the godfather" right now. ( applause ) and i'm supposed to be a detective right now? >> i have no idea! >> stephen: it's in your book! >> i don't recognize you. ( laughter ) >> stephen: "allegiant" opens march 18. octavia spencer, everybody! we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) body can heal as you rest.
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alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? (dog yawns) no, we're not having barbecue... again. (dog groans) why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why.
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tt2watx#`id p bt`n=-h tt2watx#`id p "a`n-!, tt2watx#`id p bm`n&* tt4watx#`id r dzlq 5@l tt4watx#`id r enlq ed, tt4watx#`id r gzl& \ct ( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. from 1987 to 1995, my next guests gave fatherly wisdom to an adorable group of tv kids and millions of viewers. and now they're back. >> it will never happen again. >> let's confer. girls, we have decided to have mercy. say you're sorry. >> and, "i love you." >> and hug it out.
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i love you. >> that never gets old. okay, go to the party. >> okay. tommy's in the crib. >> see you. >> bye, girls, bye. >> we did pretty good with those girls, didn't we? >> we did all right. >> we did great. i can't thank you guys enough for all the sacrifices you made for my family all right, come on in. >> again? >> come in! >> oh, geez! >> stephen: please welcome john stamos, bob saget and dave coulier! ( cheers and applause ) >> he grabbed my butt. did you see that? >> stephen: i did, di. thank you for being here, gentlemen. >> thank you for having us.
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back. ( cheers and applause ). >> yeah. >> stephen: did you know-- did you know? did you sense at all how excited people would be for this reunion? >> i thought you were asking did i know that we were back? >> stephen: everyone knows you're back. >> right! >> stephen: this has not been lightly marketed. >> it is a giant hashtag. >> stephen: it really is. who drove? whose idea was this? >> this guy. >> stephen: really? >> well, i knew we had to do something. people loved the show so much, and i think the guys it's whole cast sort of trusted me with the legacy to make sure we did it right and certainly netflix was the place to go. >> stephen: it was a huge rating monster at the time, but it still in reruns is a ratings monster. why do you think people love it so much? >> i think people are very bored with their lives. ( laughter ) ( applause ). >> stephen: could be. that could be. that could very well be. yeah. >> and people like to tune in to hear a three-year-old go, "oh, nuts." because that's wisdom. >> the truth is stephen, i have
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magic happened-- 25 years ago, magic happened with us. and i think-- what are you laughing at? >> stephen: magic is still happening because you look like you're about to do a magic show with that shirt open. you look-- you look. ( cheers and applause ) it's a little vegas. it's a little vegas. >> i do want to add that he can make any woman disappear. ( cheers and applause ). >> stephen: but for how long? but for how long? >> until people come after them. >> so can i, but in a very different way. i can do the same thing. i can make women disappear. and it's usually based on what i've eaten earlier in the day. ( laughter ) >> stephen: people up to you for years and say, "you are my childhood" and burst into tears? >> yes. >> people cry when they see bob. >> most of the charges have been dropped. that's the man, mom. ( laughter ) no, but they-- hay come up and they go, "i grew up watching"--
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that's why people watch it. it's such a ( bleep ) wholesome show. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> by the way, i just want to say i never said ( bleep ) in front of the kids. >> stephen: really? you know, that makes you a good man. >> you opened up this cursing. >> stephen: we're going to bleep it. we're going to bleep it. >> it's not my first television show. i know you're going to bleep it. >> stephen: you've been on television-- >> you know how good are you? you're very good at this. >> stephen: talking to people? >> yes. >> stephen: that's very nice. that's very kind of you. >> you know what i would like to say, stephen, you're really ( bleep ) good at it. >> stephen: thank you, thank you. thank you. >> 30 years of good will and people right down the drain tonight on your show. >> i think the stuff that happened between the lines, which was a family show that we all committed to and we really did, was this crazy lunacy that we have. >> stephen: you look like you're having fun together. >> we did. >> we played together. and the whole cast did and the kids we became friends with and we stayed friends with them. it's an unusual thing happened. you said before it was like
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thing happened. back to magic. >> stephen: i understand a second season has already been ordered. >> second season, today. ( cheers and applause ) >> and it's different than the other show because the girls are now raising the kids, and the girls have turned into-- we're guest cast. we're legacy cast on the show, can which we love doing. but these girls are beautiful. they're kind of hot, and that's a little upsetting. >> they're your daughters. >> i know. but i'm saying-- ( laughter ). >> you sound like donald trump right now. ( laughter ) >> i'm cutting you out of my life. but the truth of it is they're so beautiful, that we didn't have as many male viewers back in the day. we had 14-year-old girls watching who are now 35 who are now dateable for me which works-- >> bob, bob, bob. >> just-- we want people to watch the show. >> they are beautiful, and they're great. it's candice and jodi-- is this working? >> sure. >> andrew raising three little
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flip on me being a widow-- widower. she's a widow. and i think it works really well. talk, please talk. >> no, you're doing great. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: were you afraid-- now it was your idea. were you afraid of disappointing the fans? because you had like the perfect eight years there. >> yeah, for sure. i mean, you know, we finished it and i was so nervous if it was enough people what they wanted. i assume it is. i was so afraid-- i was asking everybody, "is this it? is this what people wanted to see?" and apparently they're pretty happy with it. >> this is a true case that fans brought the show back. and it got renewed because the fans loved it so much, which means they did something right with these 13 episodes. ( applause ) >> stephen: i'm in. i'm in. >> you could take your seven- year-old, you could watch the show with your family. there wasn't a lot of television to watch. you would binge watch it.
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unsupervised watching-- >> how many hours do they get? 13 episodes. six and a half hours. >> a little more. some are long episodes. i think the first episode is, what, three hours long? >> yeah. >> but it's fun. and it's amazing to be back in that house with your brother >> stephen: it's exactly the same. the set hasn't changed at all. it's exactly the same house. >> it's the same couch. they put in storage. >> stephen: you're kidding. >> i found stuff in there that dave left they didn't like. >> stephen: again, keep it light. it's for children. can i ask you a favor? can we get a side-by-side shot? people say online that the two of us look alike and i don't see it. are we ready? ( applause ) a little bit. a little bit. >> we look like cousins-- >> me and john. >> stephen: oh, yeah! absolutely! ( cheers and applause )
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does look amazing although. >> stephen: it's really infuriating what this guy looks like. it's all the yogurt, right? >> yeah, right. >> stephen: it's all the damn yogurt. you just rub it on at the end of the day. >> stephen: we'll be right back with more dave coulier, bob
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( band playing ) >> stephen: welcome back, guys, thanks for being here. and congratulations on the show on fox, "grandfathered." >> thank you. they both guest starred on there as well. >> stephen: when were they going to have time? because, again, you guys got picked up for another season of "fuller house," and i'm not surprised at all because what i like about it is it's a fun, to nostalgic reboot, kind of owns that it's nostalgia. >> it does, it does, and reboots are great. actually we're doing a couple of them. i didn't know if you knew this. >> stephen: i didn't. >> it's a more gritty "full house." >> it's called "full house nights," and we play adult roommate detectives who have seen a little bit too much. >> the basic premise, stephen, is, after the kids go to bed, the full house dads go out and
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>> it's scum of the earth stuff. things people love-- drugs, sex- murder, murder-sex. a lot of feet-sticking-out-of- dumpster type stuff. and, stephen, you played a pretty important role in the series, too. >> stephen: oh, i forgot! i'm in it! jimmy, i think we have a clip. whatever happened. everywhere you look everywhere you go you got to hold on, too everywhere you look, everywhere you go, the face of somebody who needs you everywhere you look, everywhere you go,
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everywhere you look everybody you go there's a face of somebody who needs you. when you're lost out there and you're all alone. a light is waiting to carry you home everywhere you look everywhere you look. everywhere you go. >> stephen: well, well, well. if it isn't the "full house" daddies. >> cut the crap, dmitri. where's the next shipment come in? >> stephen: i don't know what you are talking about, strangely young-looking man. i am a legitimate businessman of gentlemen's entertainment. >> i mean the blow, dimitri! white noise. brain sugar. colombian nasal spray. white street coffee. satan's tang. we know you're selling out of your girlie club. talk or we'll end you. >> i'm sorry about my partner,
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he's a loose cannon. have a couple cheeseburgers, maybe tell us where the drugs are coming in. >> no cheeseburgers! >> stephen: it will not work on dmitri, this good cop/bad cop. >> yeah? maybe you'll talk to bullwinkle. >> we know you're using the girls as your drug mules. ( laughter ) ( applause ) one o.d.'d in the airport. >> stephen: so it's good cop/ bad cop/impressionist cop? ( laughter ) i will play you like a xylophone, and i will not-- help me out here. >> stephen: you're trying to say you won't have mercy on me. >> that's right, i won't have
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( laughter ) danny, cut the cameras and let's have some fun with some scumbag. >> no, no, jesse, enough with that, it didn't work. leave this one to popeye. >> i'll shatter your femurs. >> stephen: dmitri will not talk to popeye. >> welcome to hell, you sick bastard. >> stephen: no! no! not scooby doo! no! okay, okay! everything is coming in at midnight at the docks at the red shipping container. don't judge me, you know nothing of my life, "full house" daddies. with your beautiful victorian row house and precocious daughters. virtue is a luxury, "full house" daddies. >> listen, champ. everybody has pain. and everybody wants to bury that pain under piles and piles of blow. >> damn right, yeah.
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the law. i think you've learned an important lesson here today, dmitri. how about you come move in with us and help me raise my daughters? >> stephen: really, "full house" daddies? >> yes. >> now that's what i call a bedtime story. >> it's been great having you here, dmitri. >> stephen: so happy. >> yeah, thanks for not take anything retribution after we broke up your international drug ring. >> stephen: yes. no retribution. >> cut! it! >> now, that's what i call a bedtime story. ( laughter ) everywhere you look everywhere you look ( applause ). >> stephen: sadly, "full house nights" has been canceled. but bob saget, john stamos, and
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"fuller house" on netflix right now. ( laughter ) >> do you want me to help you? >> stephen: no, it's really hard to talk with mustache on. we'll be right back with a performance by lucious, everybody. stick around everywhere you look everywhere you go recognize problems in the world around you. don't you dare change the rules. don't you dare play with your food. don't you dare get any big ideas. ignore what people say you can't do. don't you dare take that apart. don't you dare stay up all night on the computer. don't you dare raise your voice. they say when mr. clean saw all the different things his new smart phone does... reminded him of his magic eraser. it's not just for marks on walls... it's tough on kitchen grease... and bathroom grime too.
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>> stephen: here performing the song, "born again teen," ladies and gentelmen, lucius! >> it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh ahhhh would you take my hand, baby? you know you know i like to dance maybe we'll be good;
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you can follow me, or if you want to take the lead you know it's obvious we're naturally aligned it's a it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh ahhhh it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh ahhhh pull me in a little closer do you recognize me? i have had my eye on you for quite a while never seen your moves like
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and always such self- confidence i'm thinking how your lips taste next to mine and michigan my heart is racin' burning from this heat we're making when the beat kicks in, we'll resupply it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're only sixteen ahhhh ahhhh could somebody help me, please?
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dying, dying i know it's not just me could somebody help me, please? i could just die, die die, yeah ahhhh ahhhh ahhhh it's a feeling like a born again teen got a heartbeat like we're
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: yeah. the album, "good grief" is out march 11.
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we'll be right back. >> stephen: now stick around for james corden.
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captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh >> james: i'm late, now i've got to get to work. i've got a "late, late show" to do tonight. i have got chelsea handler and jason schwartzman on the show, i haven't done any research. i haven't done-- it will be okay.
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>> james: grammies were good. how good were the grammy, i enjoyed it. >> you were terrific, everyone was great. >> thank you. >> james: adele was amazing. >> adele killed it. >> james: how good was l.l. cool j. did you see when did he this? oh. >> he licked his lips. >> james: greatest moment of the whole night. >> i loved it. >> james: greatest moment of the night. >> he's a real, real stud. >> james: i love it. that is what i love about it me and you are at a place now where we finish each other's. >> you know what i mean? >> sentences. >> james: that's the one, sentences because every time i'm about to say something, you just. >> say, you know. >> james: what? >> what? >> james: there it is. >> you know what, i appreciate you. i appreciate the character that you come with. >> james: i'm welding up. >> i appreciate your art. you're such a kind individual. >> james: me and you. you love people. >> you see what we're doing right now. do you see what we're doing right now? >> dude, i tell you the best


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