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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  July 24, 2015 11:34pm-12:38am EDT

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♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- rachel mc adams. michael pena. stand-up from robert klein.
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and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 298! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hot crowd right there, that's what we want! friday night here in new york city. oh my goodness. welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, everyone, to "the tonight show." this is it. you're here, you made it. [ cheers and applause ] we're going to have a good time tonight. thank you so much for being here.
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welcome again. here is what everyone is talking about. it seems like -- it's just everyone is talking about donald trump the whole week. it's just this week, he's been all over the news, but he's still struggling to be seen as a legitimate candidate by republicans. in fact, now trump is threatening to start campaigning as a third party candidate if the republican party doesn't become more supportive. of course a lot of republicans say you need to "give respect" to "get respect", to which trump says, "whatever, losers." a little harsh. did you see this? when trump was asked why he gave out lindsey graham's personal phone number this week. he said, and this is real, he said he did it for fun and everybody had a good time. [ applause ] yeah, "good times", said the teenager who spent all day today trying to show lindsey graham how to transfer his contacts. [ cheers and applause ] had a great time. had a great time. thank you for the great time. that's right, trump said he gave out graham's phone number
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for fun, in fact, trump released a whole list of other things he does for fun. and it seems like he just -- he just likes being annoying. take a look at these. first up there's -- microwaving clam chowder in the office break room. and that's not fun. then it goes around the office, it's just -- next up we have, waits until his wife falls and then whispers, "hey melania, whatcha thinkin' about?" that's not fun, i just got to sleep. i just feel asleep, why would you ask me that question? >> steve: why would he do that? that's rude. >> jimmy: there are lists of things that he does for fun. >> steve: for fun? >> jimmy: yeah, like here's one thing he does, he touches all the pieces of a pizza and then says, "these are mine now." >> steve: that's awful! >> jimmy: and finally there's -- he's says, "that's good coffee." after every sip of coffee. [ cheers and applause ] that's good coffee. >> steve: is that two hands? >> jimmy: he holds it with two hands. >> steve: oh, that's awful! >> jimmy: it's even worse, yeah. >> steve: yeah, yeah. [ sipping ] >> steve: good coffee. >> jimmy: that's good coffee. trump's got everybody all
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worked up. in fact, one gop congressman named carlos curbelo actually suggested that donald trump may be a "phantom candidate" that is implanted by the democrats'. the dnc strongly denied this while hillary said, "crap, they figured it out." take off the wig, bill. [ laughter ] you're fired." speaking of hillary, a new poll also shows that a majority of people in colorado think hillary clinton is not trustworthy. although that's not saying much coming from the most paranoid state in america. hillary clinton, what? you know what she is? she's a cop. she's a cop, man! she's a cop. what are you talking about? the other big contender for the democratic nomination is bernie sanders, who a lot of people are just getting to know. and in an interview this week, bernie said that his greatest weakness is he's not as sociable as he could be. when asked why, he picked up a a banana and pretended he was taking a phone call. he was like, "aw, sorry, i
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gotta take this." hello? i've got to take this -- i gotta go." this is pretty weird, i read that in china this week they are hosting the world cup soccer tournament for robots, called "robo cup 2015." and the engineer's goal is for robots to face humans in the real world cup by 2050. then robot said, "oh, no, you'll be long gone by then." [ laughter ] cute. well, it was a big week for news. with all the top stories getting lots of coverage online. a lot of you guys may not know this, but google actually keeps track of its most searched questions about these stories. so i thought -- i'd show you what i mean. a new segment called "tonight show top searches." check this out. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tonight show tonight show top searches ♪ >> jimmy: now the big story this week was that the website ashley madison was hacked. this is that site where married people go to find someone to have an affair with. well, let's take a look at some
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of the top searches about that story. first one is, "how do i delete my ashley madison account?" the second one is, "how do i delete my search for deleting my ashley madison account." and the third one is, "divorce attorneys." you see what they sort of did? those were the top three searches. >> steve: top three searches. [ applause ] >> jimmy: another big story, ohio governor john kasich announced that he's running for president for the gop. let's see the top searches on that. first one was, "who is john kasich?" the second one is, "am i john kasich?" the third one is, "how to contribute money to hillary clinton." that's three searches based on what's happening. >> steve: one topic. >> jimmy: yeah. and finally another story was at the washington, d.c. state fair, announced it will be holding its first ever marijuana competition. [ applause ] let's take a look at the top searches related to that. first one was, "memory side effects of pot use." second one was "memory side effects of pot use." third one was "memory side
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effects of pot use." [ applause ] we have a great show tonight ,you guys. give it up for the roots! ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: ah, feeling good tonight. it's a good show, it's a hot show tonight. feeling good -- you guys, check this out next week. this is happening on monday. he's one of the biggest movie stars in the world. tom cruise will be here on monday night. [ applause ] i love tom cruise, but this is going to get serious on monday. something is going to go down. >> what's going to go down? >> jimmy: tom cruise and i are going head-to-head in a a lip-synch battle. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know what they are. he's chosen two songs and i've chosen two songs. we don't know what songs each other have chosen but i'm going
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for the win. >> steve: well, every time he comes --. >> jimmy: i should take this. yeah, to him this should be a a "mission impossible." [ laughter ] >> steve: haha! oh my god! your heart! oh -- those are his last words. >> jimmy: anyways, i love that guy. but it's going to be fun. that's monday. later in the week danny devito, jason segel, ice-t, kevin bacon. but first we have a fun show tonight, from the new movie "southpaw" and hbo's "true detective." the lovely, the talented -- rachel mcadams is here. [ cheers and applause ] she's great in "southpaw." this guy is fantastic. every time he comes on he makes me laugh. he's just a talented actor but really funny as well. he's got two movies out --"ant-man." he's in "ant-man." yeah, and he's hilarious in that. and he's also has a new supernatural horror movie "the vatican tapes." michael pena is on the show this evening. [ cheers and applause ]
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i love him. and then one of the most coolest things ever to happen to us here at "the tonight show", we're so excited, we're so honored to have this man visiting our show, standup comedy from one of the masters, robert klein is back in theater 6b. back on "the tonight show" in new york city with robert klein. you don't get any better than that. you can't. it's the best thing to ever happen in the world. i love him. gosh, he's a funny, funny guy. you guys, today is friday, that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. you know, i check my inbox. return some emails and of course i send out thank you notes. but i was running a bit behind today. so, i thought, if you don't mind, i just have to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that fine? can i write them? [ cheers and applause ] thank you so much. uh, roots, can i get some "thank you note writing" music please? ♪ ♪ [ laughter ]
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♪ [ laughter ] >> jimmy: seems like he's hiding something or something. >> steve: in his mouth? >> jimmy: i don't know if it's in his mouth. he's definitely hiding something somewhere, yeah. james, open your mouth. let me see. not in his mouth, not in his mouth. all right, here we go. here we go. ♪ thank you, the hack of ashley madison, the dating site that helps married people have affairs. or as i like to call you, "okay stupid." [ applause ] nobody will ever find out. give 'em my credit card number, my home address, my fantasies --. my credit card number, my private phone line. ♪ thank you, the new dr.seuss book. "what pet should i get?" for not going with your original title. "whose poop should i scoop?"
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[ laughter ] other way to go. same -- same meaning. >> steve: same meaning. >> jimmy: same meaning, exactly. ♪ thank you, katy perry. for joining the twitter beef between taylor and nikki. thus turning it into a ménage a a trois. >> steve: oh! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ bow wow wa waa. nikki. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, lululemon for releasing your own craft beer. when i heard that a yoga company was making beer, i was like, "that's a stretch." [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: whoa! ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, pallbearers, for being the
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ultimate example of "having to help a friend move." i knew that was going to get groans. >> steve: you knew it. >> jimmy: but it's funny and your friend would have loved that. [ applause ] and you'll think about it. the next funeral you'll go -- you'll start laughing. and you go. >> steve: what are you laughing at? >> jimmy: and you bite your tongue and you go, "i'm not laughing at anything, yeah." but we all know what you'll be laughing at. it's a funny joke. okay. ♪ thank you, asterisk, for being the cat's butthole of my keyboard. >> steve: two groaners in a a row. >> jimmy: you're allowed to groan at that one. >> steve: cat's butthole. >> jimmy: no, stop it. echo coming through the pipes. ♪ thank you, brad pitt and ryan gosling, for urging costco to stop selling eggs that come from caged hens.
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man, and you thought the chicks loved you before. that's our thank you notes. we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show" everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, hey ho, hey ho. [ cheers ] >> audience: hey, ho! hey, ho! >> jimmy: hey. welcome back, everybody. [ laughter ] guys, some of you might know that july is "national ice cream month." [ cheers ] we're actually lucky enough to have our own ice cream flavor. here it is right here, ben & jerry's "the tonight dough." [ cheers and applause ] that's right. proceeds go to char -- guys, guys, what is that? sorry. sorry, what is that? that's -- for something we're doing later.
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anyways, ignore that. anyway, "tonight dough" is amazing. my proceeds go to charity. it's really good. it has great flavors in it. it's really amazing stuff. [ laughter ] guys. okay, stop. we don't need that smoke. why is all that smoke -- it's for another -- what's going on, guys? i can't -- i can't see what's going on. guys? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ben & jerry's "tonight dough" tastes so good ♪ ♪ caramel and chocolate ice cream and two different types of cookie dough ♪ ♪ chocolate chip cookie dough
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peanut butter cookie dough ♪ ♪ don't forget the cookie swirl ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ we love "tonight dough" "tonight dough" ♪ ♪ "tonight dough" "tonight dough" "tonight dough" ♪ ♪ "tonight dough" "tonight dough" "tonight dough" ♪ ♪ [ laughter ] ♪ made with fair trade ingredients ♪ [ laughter ] [ cheers ] ♪ i scream you scream we all scream for "tonight dough ♪ ♪ i scream you scream we all scream for "tonight dough" i scream, you scream ♪ we all scream for "tonight dough" ♪ different flavor in every bite hai! ♪ ♪ sometimes chocolate sometimes peanut butter sometimes both ♪ ♪ both! both! both! both!♪ [ cheers ] ♪ try a sample
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with one of those mini spoons ♪ ♪ so tiny so cute i literally can't even ♪ [ laughter and applause ] ♪ whatchu gonna eat ♪ "tonight dough" a pleaser from the freezer yum ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back with rachel mcadams, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] m♪ this s an iphone. and it comes with something different. ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest stars on the hbo series "true detective", which airs sundays at 9:00 p.m. and you can see her also alongside jake gyllenhaal in "southpaw", which is in theaters now.
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please welcome the lovely, the talented rachel mcadams. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome to the show. you look gorgeous. thank you so much for being here. >> you look lovely too. >> jimmy: i appreciate this. you've been in new york city for a couple of days doing press. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i've come to understand that you used to be a tour guide in new york. >> mm-hmm. >> jimmy: is that true, really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you know a lot about this city? >> when i was a tour guide in new york, i had never been to new york. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did that work? really? interesting. so you just got hired? you're just like, "uh can i apply?" and they're like, "yeah, sure." >> yeah. well, i was supposed to be doing ottawa, ontario. that was -- [ scattered cheers ] [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: shouldn't you be
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happy that one person was like, "yeah!" that's a long trip. yeah, yeah. but you're from canada. >> yeah, it's a long trip. and it's tiny. yeah, yeah. so that was supposed to be my region. and someone fell sick. i was done with school early that year in university. so they said, would you want to go do new york? and i had about two days to prepare. i had never been here. >> jimmy: and you're the tour guide. >> and i'm the tour guide. >> jimmy: so what did you do? like, all lonely planet and fodor's and just go like, what's going on? >> totally. yeah, they gave me like, two binders like this to go through. i had 35 grade 7 and 8 kids on a bus. i had to like talk on -- all the way to new york from toronto on one of those -- i don't even know what it's called. >> jimmy: like a, like a p.a. like a loud speaker thing. yeah. >> right. yeah. >> jimmy: and you had no idea what you're talking about? >> no idea. i was like, i think that's the mets stadium over there. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: the mets stadium. oh, my god. that's really bad. [ laughter ] that's really bad.
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i think that's the mets stadium. [ laughter ] i hope it really wasn't even shea stadium or whatever it was at the time. that's hilarious. now, did you always want to be an actor when you were a kid? did your parents in canada, did they say oh, i always want to be -- did you go to school there, or theater? what work is in ottawa, canada? is there a lot of hollywood agents out there? [ laughter ] >> no, not so much. not so much, no. >> jimmy: in the middle of the lake or something? oh yeah, we have a great agent, eh. he's over there -- hey, you hear me? >> yeah. no, it was limited. yeah, so -- >> jimmy: how did you let them know that you, like this is what i want to do? >> i think i was about seven or eight and i wrote them a letter telling them that i really wanted to be an actor. >> jimmy: your mom and dad? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how nice. that's so formal and nice. [ light laughter ] >> i felt really shy about it, so i put it in writing and put it somewhere i knew they would find it soon. and then i -- >> jimmy: you hid it somewhere? >> no, i put it somewhere where they could find it.
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>> jimmy: oh, okay. good. yeah, yeah. i was hoping they would find it. how's the sandwich, dad? [ laughter ] a little papery. read your sandwich. no, so you gave it to them. and then you were -- you were so shy. so you gave it to them. >> yeah. >> jimmy: where were you when they were reading it, were you home? >> i was under the bed. >> jimmy: no. were you nervous about they were going to say? >> i was so -- i was so nervous and bashful and shy about it. >> jimmy: thought they might say, "no, you can't do that, honey." >> right. right, that's -- you wanna be an actor. yeah, so i hid under the bed for a long time. until they found me, and we had a little chat. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what did they say? >> they were like, "that's really exciting. good for you." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. yeah. all right. that's it. >> and then that was the end of that. >> jimmy: case closed, yeah. that's the way we do things in ottawa. that's exciting. those dreams, really dreamy for you. everyone has to have dreams. they must be so excited for you now? >> yeah. yeah. and they were -- >> jimmy: with everything you've done. i mean, you're hittin' 'em out of the park.
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>> thank you. >> jimmy: congratulations on "southpaw." [ cheers and applause ] and i don't give -- it's fantastic in "southpaw." "southpaw", jake gyllenhaal plays a boxer. you're his wife. and boy, he got scary in that film. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean, he was just jacked and frightening. >> incredible. >> jimmy: and you obviously know him. he's the nicest guy. but, scary. >> lovely. >> jimmy: and frightening. in the movie, though, but no. [ laughter ] i wouldn't want to do a movie with him if he's playing a mean guy. so you played that role very well. but then you're on "true detective." [ cheers and applause ] man, you're fantastic. you're a bad ass in that, in "true detective," man. you've got some good knife skills as well. are you learning -- how did you learn how to be a detective? do you get to hang out with detectives? >> i got to spend a little time with some. i went on a ride along. yeah. >> jimmy: ride along is where you go with cops? >> yeah, yeah. so i had my partner j. lo, jerry lopez. [ laughter ]
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shout out to j. lo. >> jimmy: j. lo? >> yeah, the best guy. he was such a sweetheart. >> jimmy: is from the bronx? [ laughter ] doesn't matter. it'd be too confusing. it'd be too confusing. but don't be fooled by the rocks that he's got. [ laughter ] so you go on the ride along with him. what happens on a ride along? you and j. lo. hanging out, yeah. and what do you do? >> yeah, we just kind of cruised around thousands oaks. >> jimmy: okay. any action? anything to make you scared? >> there was a little action. i did the whole shift, so it was 7:00 to 7:00. and about 4:00 in the morning, i was starting to get really tired. so i was like, "j. lo, can we stop for a -- can we go get a coffee at a a 7-eleven or something?" so we go in and get a coffee and come out and his partner was knocking on this kid's car door. the kid had fallen asleep mid text. [ light laughter ] he was literally --
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she was like, "he must be so stoned right now." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: something is up, yeah. >> something's up. >> jimmy: he shouldn't be behind the wheel. or something, yeah. >> yeah, yeah. so she knocked on the window with her flashlight and he sort of woke up and was kind of freaked out. she was like, "all right, get out of the car." and he turned the car on. and i'm standing there, like behind the car with my coffee just like, "this is weird. [ light laughter ] is he gonna pull away and like take off?" and he literally did, he started backing the car up. she was going, "where are you going? what are you doing?" and we're all starting to get, like -- and j. lo pulls me out of the way. and the kid pulls out, and takes off, and coffees are going flying. >> jimmy: high speed chase? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah, yeah! that's great! let's go. go, j. lo! j. lo, hey, let's go buddy! what are we doing? yeah. that will wake you right up. you chased a stoned kid. >> yeah. we get in the car. >> jimmy: he's going probably two, three miles an hour. [ laughter ] high speed chase. pull over. you're running next to the car.
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pull over! >> yeah. >> jimmy: where did he go? was it a long chase? >> he drove home. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: as one would do. yeah. just went home safely. >> yup. yeah. >> jimmy: got home. >> we just pulled him over and we had a nice little chat. and he went to bed. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: okay. kind of exciting there. we love you in the show. i know you can't say much about the show, because every week it's a new shocker and a new spoiler. don't want to spoil anything for anybody. but i want to show you, here's rachel mcadams in "true detective." take a look at this. >> be at the cally club in ventura next saturday at 6:00 p.m. say your're me. say you're there to see bogden. and you've got to dress like you're worth $2,000 a night. you're going to need somebody's help with that. this bus is going to take you up to wherever the party is, i heard. and they are not going to let you take a purse or phone or anything. they are going to make you turn all that stuff in. >> okay.
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we're going to be around a lot of guys that expect easy sex. what are you going to do about that? >> i'll figure it out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pow! love it! that's so good. so cool. rachel mcadams, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "true detective" airs sundays at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. "southpaw" is in theaters now. michael pena joins us next. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. he is a terrific actor who you can see in the number one movie in america, "ant-man." and he also stars in the new movie "the vatican tapes," which is in theaters today. everyone, please welcome michael pena. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: that's the way to do it right there. ♪ [ cheers ] great to see you. you look fantastic. thank you for coming back. i've seen you -- you've been on "late night" a bunch of time when we did "late night." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and now we're here on the "tonight show." >> i've still got the shirts, exercise shirts. [ laughter ] i said jimmy fallon shirt. i thought it was really cool, like sweaty, being awesome. >> jimmy: yeah. and you were. >> thanks, man. >> jimmy: i'm being serious. you haven't changed a bit. i actually have photos of you. here's a photo of you from 2 2011 on our show when we did "late night." here is a picture of you. >> oh, god. [ laughter ] this is sabotage. >> jimmy: and here's a picture of you in 2012, the difference, a year later. >> oh, no! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: do you have one outfit? [ laughter ]
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was this your move when you go on talk shows? this is two different times in your life -- this is three different times -- can you look into this camera? do me a favor. look into that camera. look at this, look at this. [ laughter ] >> it's my lucky sweater. >> jimmy: it's your lucky sweater, yeah. >> jimmy fallon sweater. >> jimmy: congratulations on everything. you know we love you're here. but you've got two giant movies out. "ant-man" is just the biggest thing in the whole wide world. congratulations on that. >> i appreciate it. thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you're in a big marvel movie. >> yeah. it's awesome. >> jimmy: and then "the vatican tapes," which is spooky, exorcism. >> yeah. >> jimmy: good, tricky horror movie and it's scary. >> yeah. very scary. >> jimmy: you play a priest. >> yeah. >> jimmy: were these like priests that you knew when you were growing up? >> yeah. like, i grew up in chicago. wow, no one. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: there's like four --
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three or four people from chicago. >> they were thinking about it. they were like, yeah. i'll pass. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but, the priest -- yeah. yeah. >> no, we had different kinds of priests. because the priests in my neighborhood, like i grew up in a poor neighborhood. they were cool. you know what i mean? like, they were huge bears fans. everybody in chicago is a bear fan. wow, nothing. again. [ laughter ] new yorkers are tough. if it's not jets, not giants, screw you. hey! >> jimmy: no, that's not what they said. they didn't do that. it's a new york crowd. yeah. >> yeah, i know. for sure. no, but they would be like, "hey pablo, come here. come here. what's i hear you rooting for the packers? [ light laughter ] if you get beat up i can't help you, buddy. go say ten hail marys. [ laughter ] go say ten hail marys. for the rest of your life until you see the light. [ laughter ] which is the bears, baby." >> jimmy: who is your buddy that we talked about? because last time, i always make you talk about this friend -- >> oh, this guy pablo. >> jimmy: pablo? because, you basically -- the character you are in "ant-man," that's everyone's -- by the way, the reviews are great for "ant-man" in general.
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but then someone is a little shining star in those reviews. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] congratulations, buddy. i think it's probably based a a little on that character. that -- your buddy pablo. >> yeah, i grew up with this guy who is like, kind of slightly a little bit of a a criminal. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but a loveable criminal. >> a loveable criminal. >> like, you know. "what did you do this weekend?" "i went to jail, dog." [ laughter ] i go to disneyland. you know what i mean? this guy is like, "i went to jail." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but he's happy about it. >> yeah. but like, like -- he doesn't even do drugs but i'm like, he has that perpetual stoned look. >> jimmy: yeah. >> kind of glazed over look. >> jimmy: but this is, this character -- >> i'm sorry, i base it on this character -- on him. i saw him at a barbecue over the weekend. i was like, "hey, pablo, i hope it's cool, man, but i imitated you for this movie." and he was like, "i don't blame you dog. [ laughter ] i mean, when you look at this and you look at this, they should do a re-ality show on me.
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know what i'm saying?" [ laughter ] i'm like, "what, what?" "re-ality show." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: a reality show. >> reality show, yeah. yeah. took him a couple of times. >> jimmy: yeah. he had to figure it out. >> he did, all right. he's like, "you won't even know what kim kardashian's name is after me, pablo, pablo." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pablo. pablo. that's what he calls himself? no he doesn't. >> or the pablo. >> jimmy: the pablo. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: it's a great character when see what you do in the film. basically paul rudd becomes "ant-man," and you were his buddy. he's like, "if i'm gonna do this i need my pals with me." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i'm going to take this ride with. and so you go with michael douglas, who is amazing in the film as well. >> yeah. and i think i'm totally the guy that's setting -- i think i'm the boss. >> jimmy: it's just a perfect character for you. >> oh, thanks man. >> jimmy: no, no, no! you are the boss. you are the boss. >> thanks. >> jimmy: of course, yeah. but it's perfect when you do that character. just so likeable and it's fun to watch. >> thank you. >> jimmy: we have a clip. here's michael pena in "ant-man." check this out. >> thank you for the coffee man. it's not too often that you rob a place and then get welcomed
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back. because we just robbed you. >> you know that he was arrested for stealing a a smoothie machine, right? >> two smoothie machines. >> are you sure they can handle this? >> oh, we can handle it. we're professionals. >> you'll forgive us if we're not instilled with confidence. >> hey, everybody. just kick back and relax a a little bit, man. we know our business. we broke into this spooky-ass house, didn't we? >> i let you. >> one could say that i let you let me. >> look, it's okay. they can handle this. >> yeah. we can handle it. >> you got their credentials? >> he's in the system. >> i'm in the sys'em? the sys'em? >> we're doomed. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: michael pena, everybody. "ant-man," "the vatican tapes" are both in theaters now. we have stand-up from robert klein, next. stick around, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ let's say both of your kids are going on a trip,
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we are joined right now by one of the greatest comedians of all time. the first standup to tape an hbo special. he's been nominated for multiple tony, emmy, and grammy awards. and you can see him live at the "colonial theatre" in pittsfield, massachusetts on saturday, august 1st. making his 87th appearance on "the tonight show," please give a warm welcome to robert klein,
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ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> oh, the music's over. hi. yes, i look it, too, my 87th appearance. i haven't been in this studio doing "the tonight show" since 1973, and now i renewed my membership to aarp today -- [ laughter ] mostly for the discounts, you know, the early bird special. you get the best steak in ft. lauderdale for $7.99 with your aarp card if you're willing to eat at 8:30 in the morning. [ laughter ] and you have to be out before the full pulp people. they don't like to depress them. "mr. klein, can you have your
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corn on the cob on your cob, please? we have normal people coming in to have their supper." the magazine is impressive, the aarp magazine. and discounts, oxygen, burials, and, flowers. i put it next to the toilet with the hammock, the schlemmer and "field and stream" and the "north face" because i'm an outdoorsman. that's my thing. and i don't know about you, when i move my bowels, i like to price kayaks. [ laughter ] i may never hope to own a a kayak, but i'll know the best prices on those suckers. that gives me -- when there's a paddle sale, you know, i'll have a jump on it. or when i climb everest, i want to see if those 4'7" himalayan-mountain tents are on sale for when i climb everest, like every other middle aged schmuck with money seems to be doing. the mountain is littered with the frozen corpses of dentists. [ laughter ]
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it's 29,500 feet. you know what i'm talking about? anyway, dig this. i mean, i'm not a kid anymore, right? so i'm checking out at the supermarket. i'm helping to get home earlier. you know, you put the cans in first, then you put the tomatoes. the kid goes, "your date of birth, sir?" "what do you need my date of birth for?" "well, you purchased a six-pack of beer, sir." [ laughter ] "what's your name, raymundo? raymundo, i got up six times last night to pee, raymundo. i have a prostate the size of a a rocky ford cantaloupe. all right. they're doing a paper on me at mt. sinai. they are thinking smithsonian if i'll donate posthumously, raymundo. i have a tattoo of a varicose vein on my leg. [ laughter ] you want to see it? it's a guy stayed up all night.
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it looks just like a varicose vein. normally, i can straighten out, raymundo. i can't remember why we're having this conversation. do i know you? is this stool softener mine? do you have my car keys?" then, i have to go out on the street. the greatest humiliation for growing older, this new thing they have when you cross the street, it tells you how many seconds you have. [ laughter ] i have this quicksand thing going through me, you know. 30. 22. four. please, don't cut off old people when you're crossing. you know what i mean? and of course, we have end of life decisions to make. no, i've been perfectly healthy.
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but, you know, one thing about jews we bury quickly. no wakes. jews don't have wakes. five showings a day, six -- it's like vaudeville. a jew dies, zoom! into the ground in one second. a jew dies, zoom! "what the hell happened to irving? he was here a second ago. irving, where the hell are you?" "we had to bury him. he died. we're jews." premature jewish burial is a a very serious problem. there could be some wise things in the bible. "let's go on with life. let's remember you as you were. you're not as interesting as you used to be." i mean, there are things. but i'll tell you, jews bury so quickly that the older i get around my relatives, i'm afraid to take a nap. lest i be mistaken for, "pop!
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we've got to go home, the kids have school. pop? pop? pop? he's dead!" "i'm up! i'm up! don't you bury me, again!" [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: jewish burial. robert klein, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] more with robert klein after the break. stick around, everybody. the one and only robert klein. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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oh my gosh, it's the guy from last night. what?! can i jump on your wi-fi? yeah, you can try it. hey! i had a really good time last night. yeah, me too. the only thing is that... the only thing is what? what's the only thing? oh my gosh he's married. he's a kleptomaniac. he's a pyromaniac. he's a total maniac. hey! hey! go back to your wife you sociopath! leave slow internet behind. the 100% fiber optics network is here. get out of the past. get fios. now $79.99 a month. go online or call now. call the verizon center for customers with disabilities at 800.974.6006 tty/v
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're hanging out with robert klein. you can see his act live saturday, august 1st at the colonial theater in pittsfield, massachusetts. it's a treat. go see robert klein live. i'm seeing you live and it's amazing. right now i'm seeing you live. i just saw you live recently we were at the friars club and we had the best time. >> i took swoosie kurtz for dinner at the friars club. and there's jimmy and all the writing staff. he treats them to membership and dinner at the friars club. and we partied until 2:30 in the afternoon -- no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's right. that's right. we did. that's right. >> he has a device where he hits the button and every song i ever heard of or didn't hear of we were bee bopping and doo wopping. >> jimmy: doo wopping. [ singing doo wop ] it was so fun. thank you for that. but, we were talking, trying to explain technology. 'cause of bluetooth and spotify and things.
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and you're saying you're not comfortable with technology the way its going now. >> well, when i was born, i mean, you know -- i've seen many things in my life. i think one of the most incredible things is a a colonoscopy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you saying to me? >> well, first of all, it's lifesaving. there's almost no excuse for colon cancer because if an colonoscopy. but, it's more science fiction to me. it's like -- you know its like not orson welles, h.g. wells. if some futurist had told me in 1965, you're from the 21st century. they will be putting a a television camera right up your ass into your body cavity. you know, you remember what a a television camera looked like in 1965. ouch. it is. it's real time medicine. and it's a television camera in the human body. and because a little technicality because i'm a a screen actors guild member,
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hair and makeup had to go up there, too. >> jimmy: you're wrong in doing this. you don't need to have hair and makeup. >> you hear, cut! quiet on the set. people start going to cramp services. >> jimmy: that's not what happens at all. >> it's very complicated. >> jimmy: robert, this is the 87th time. >> that's what they said. when johnny retired and i'm counting the few i did with jay. it's about 87. with some guest hosting and stuff. >> jimmy: we're back in new york. >> i'm so happy. >> jimmy: it all makes sense that you're here. [ cheers and applause ] the first of many. the first of many. come back whenever you want to. robert klein, ladies and gentlemen. my thanks to rachel mcadams, michael pena, the one and only robert klein. and the roots over there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week everybody. bye bye. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight michael douglas, comedian jim gaffigan, music from nate ruess, featuring the 8g band. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] that is good to hear. that is good to hear.


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