tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 11, 2015 12:37am-1:38am EDT
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- winona ryder. comedian colin quinn. music from beirut. featuring the 8g band with fred armisen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] all right. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump is under fire for saying that during thursday's debate moderator, megyn kelly had, quote, "blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever." [ laughter ]
come on, trump, so if you're going to say something offensive, just come out and say it. [ light laughter ] don't be such a wherever. [ laughter ] donald trump's top strategist has stepped down after trump seemed to imply last week that megyn kelly was menstruating during the debate. even more shocking, donald trump has had a campaign strategist this entire time! [ laughter ] there was a guy in charge of this. [ applause ] he looked after all of this and said, "yeah, this is all great." [ light laughter ] president obama began a 17 day vacation on martha's vineyard on friday. he plans to enjoy the weather, play some golf, and then watch the republican debate over and over and over again. [ laughter ] sasha, malia, did you see this part? [ light laughter ] trump's the only one raising his hand! this is the best. [ light laughter ] bernie sanders drew over 20,000 people to his campaign event in portland this weekend.
sounds impressive, but remember, it's portland -- you can draw a crowd of 20,000 people with a frisbee. [ laughter ] [ applause ] a group in los angeles is hosting a second annual pool party for wiener dogs. [ light laughter ] the fun part is seeing how small they are when they get out of the pool. [ laughter and applause ] water's cold. that water's cold. same thing happens -- dogs, people, it happens. a new study found that "ha ha" has replaced "lol" as the texting phrase used to describe laughter. not only that, but "k" has been replaced by the phrase "drop dead." [ laughter ] kim kardashian and kanye west posed for a selfie with
hillary clinton this weekend. and afterwards both kim and hillary asked, "who was that?" [ laughter and applause ] who's that lady? kim kardashian celebrated passing 42 million followers on instagram by posting a close-up of her cleavage. of course, most of those people just follow her for the articles. [ laughter ] "i wanted to know what she was thinking." the website pornhub has found that women most often search for lesbian porn. while men, on the other hand, most often search for lesbian porn. [ light laughter ] a new study says the number one cause of divorce is arguing about money. the number two cause is you, timmy! [ laughter and applause ]
get a haircut, timmy! and finally, kylie jenner turned 18 today. and when her family wished her a happy birthday, she said, "you guys, i'm kendall!" [ laughter ] ladies and gentlemen, give it up for the 8g band! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: the 8g band, everybody. how is everybody? everybody have a good weekend? fred, it is so lovely to have you back at the show. how are you, my friend? >> fred: great. it's so nice to see you. >> seth: so nice to see you, too. you've been in portland, you've been filming season 6 of "portlandia." >> fred: yes. >> seth: going well? [ cheers and applause ] >> fred: going great. going really well. >> seth: so happy to hear it. you know, i'm so happy when i see you after a break like this, because -- and, again, i'm not blowing smoke here, you're the most impressive person i know. you have so many projects. and i feel like you could return after a break like this and you could say "i've just been doing 'portlandia,' that's all i've been doing." and i would believe you, and i'd
be impressed. you're my friend and that would be enough. but, and i worry about this sometimes -- i do worry sometimes that you make up things -- [ laughter ] to try and impress me. and i just want to say, you don't have to do that. like i could not -- [ laughter ] i'm at top being impressed with you. i couldn't be any higher. i've hit my ceiling. so again, if this is -- 'cause i hear you backstage saying things, and i feel like i ask you about them and you can just say, "oh, yeah there's no truth to that." and that'd be fine, that would be a perfectly fine answer. but is it true that you organized a 5k for charity? >> fred: i did. [ laughter ] >> seth: you did? >> fred: yes. >> seth: what was charity you were raising money for? >> fred: it's, uh, send freddy krueger gloves to children around the world. [ laughter ] you know the freddy krueger -- >> seth: yeah, yeah. i know. yeah. >> fred: it's like a blade sticking out of a -- >> seth: yeah, yeah. no, i know freddy krueger, i know what the gloves look like. >> fred: and, so, we're just trying to, like, raise money to send these to kids everywhere.
not every kid has them. you think that they do, but all around the world, there's just -- they don't all have the one glove. >> seth: now, see, that's interesting, 'cause i don't think they do. [ light laughter ] like i wouldn't be operating from a place of thinking that everybody had them or that everybody would need to have them. i would think a lot of kids would be going along with their lives not having them and being perfectly satisfied. >> fred: well, that's the sadness of it. you know, that's the awareness that i want to send out there. [ laughter ] you know, to let them know that you can have these gloves. these aren't something that are just in a halloween store. you can have them in your life. you don't need two. >> seth: i feel like, for most kids these days, they might not even know that movie. they might not even know who freddy krueger is. >> fred: i don't know about that. i think everyone is pretty aware. [ light laughter ] it's still a very scary movie. i watch it almost every week. [ laughter ] >> seth: so now, do these kids know what's coming? because i would think it might be slightly harrowing to get a box from somebody you don't know and open it up. >> fred: they don't know. that's the beauty of it.
they don't know. it's a brown package, no label. we have people just deliver it. we leave it at door steps. and we just leave it for families. and you never know when you're going to get one. >> seth: great. and what's the name of the charity? >> fred: it's freddy's gloves of freddy. >> seth: that's great. and how many gloves did you send out this year? >> fred: there's been seven. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay, good. seven pairs or seven gloves? >> fred: no, it's only the one glove. [ light laughter ] no pairs. >> seth: all right, well, congratulations and it's so great to have you back. >> fred: thank you. >> seth: give it up for fred armisen, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] you guys, we have a great show for you tonight. from the new hbo miniseries, "show me a hero," winona ryder is joining us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] the great winona ryder. also, he has a fantastic new one-man show called "the new york story." he's a comedian. he has a great new book called "the coloring book: a comedian solves race relations in america," colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] our friend colin quinn is back on the show. and a wonderful band this
evening. beirut will be stopping by -- [ cheers and applause ] to play some music for us. now, we mentioned it briefly when we got started. fox news hosted the first g.o.p. debate on thursday night, and it scored the highest ratings of any cable news program ever. basically, it did better numbers than an episode of "empire", which makes sense as the main character in the gop debate is slightly more unhinged than cookie. [ laughter ] not only was trump the story of the debate, he was the story of the post- debate, as he made comments about moderator megyn kelly that many have called sexist. for comedians, donald trump has been the gift that keeps giving. but for everyone else, he's the gift that keeps on giving women the creeps. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: but before we talk about donald trump, let's not forget there were nine other candidates at the debate. here's what they had to say about trump and his continued dominance in the polls. >> we really cannot believe this is happening to us. [ laughter ]
>> seth: that's all the time we're giving you guys. [ applause ] so right off the bat on thursday night, megyn kelly asked trump about his history of making disparaging comments about women. trump responded by saying the only woman he's ever called a fat pig or a dog was rosie o'donnell. the crowd reacted not with a gasp, but with a "showtime at the apollo"-sized laugh. a laugh that went on so long, megyn kelly had to wait and trump had time to thank the audience for it. >> only rosie o'donnell. [ laughter ] >> no, it wasn't. [ cheers and applause ] your twitter account -- >> thank you. [ light laughter ] >> seth: trump then went on to excuse his comments by saying, "and frankly what i say -- and often times it's fun -- is kidding. we have a good time. what i say is what i say." [ laughter ] which also happens to be the last words frank from accounting
said to h.r. before they fired him for harassment. [ laughter and applause ] the next day, trump spoke to cnn's don lemon and continued to complain about kelly's performance as moderator, saying the following -- >> you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her -- wherever. >> seth: after an immediate backlash, trump took to twitter to defend himself, saying his comments were not meant to imply anything hormonal. and anyone who thought he meant anything other than her nose was sick. although, it should be noted, when you say "wherever" instead of "nose," it means one of two things -- you didn't think you could say "nose" on tv or you forgot the word "nose." [ laughter ] "it was coming out of her face hole, don. the one above the mouth." but donald wasn't finished yet. he took to sunday morning shows to assure ladies everywhere he was on their side. here he is on cbs. >> i will be phenomenal to the women.
[ light laughter ] >> seth: and as a man who likes to think he also knows women, i can tell you they love it when you use the article "the." [ light laughter ] now it wasn't just liberals that were upset with trump. conservative radio host erick erickson disinvited trump to a gathering of conservatives in atlanta this weekend due to his comments. and it's a big deal when erick erickson disinvites you for sexism, because erick erickson is a huge sexist. [ light laughter ] here are some comments he made to megyn kelly about the importance of men being the dominant ones in society. >> you look throughout society, look at other animals. the male of the species tends to be the protector, the dominant one in that regards. >> seth: it's never good when your argument starts "look at the other animals." [ laughter ] "erik, stop [ bleep ] on the front lawn!" "but the other animals!" [ cheers and applause ] the other ones do! "i'm being punished for my opposable thumbs." in the end, the worst thing about trump's comments about
women is they're drawing attention away from everyone else's comments about women, and more importantly, women's health. all of the republican candidates are in favor of defunding planned parenthood. ted cruz is even willing to shut down the government over it. if not for trump's kelly comments, it's likely the biggest news out of the debate would have been marco rubio coming out against exceptions for rape and incest when it comes to abortion. mike huckabee is a jack-in-the-box sexist. you turn the handle long enough, and you know he is going to pop out and say something crazy. duh-duh duh-duh duh-duh-duh-duh-duh duh-duh -- >> i like to go fishing with other men. i like to go hunting with other men. women like to go to the restroom with other women. [ laughter ] >> seth: pop goes the weasel. look at it this way -- donald trump is like a construction worker cat calling as you pass by. it stinks, but at least you can keep walking. with everybody else, there's not going to be anywhere to walk to. if anything, donald trump was just reading the room when it came to what you could get away with saying about women. need i remind you -- [ laughter and applause ] >> thank you.
>> seth: sadly, for those of us who tell jokes for a living, this weekend surely signaled the end of trump's campaign. >> an nbc news survey monkey poll from friday and saturday showed trump with 23%, ten points ahead of senator ted cruz. >> seth: i don't know how to feel! [ laughter ] we'll be right back with more "late night"! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest is an oscar-nominated actress you know from films like "heathers," "black swan," and "reality bites." starting this sunday you can see her in the critically-acclaimed hbo mini- series "show me a hero." let's take a look. >> my family, my phenomenal relationship with my kids. i love them to death, but the whole time i'm thinking, "my god, a whole part of my life that's not going to be there any more." >> it's just politics vinnie. >> vindictive is what it is. once you get that taste in your mouth. >> seth: please welcome to the show winona ryder! ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
>> seth: so lovely to have you here. you look beautiful. >> thank you. >> seth: i'm so happy to see you again. >> oh me too. it's been -- >> seth: it's been a long time. >> it's been like almost, over ten years. >> seth: it's been over ten years. you hosted the season finale of my first year at "snl." >> that was your first year? >> seth: that was my first year. >> you know you're growing. >> seth: it was also you were the first person -- cause this happens when you work on a show like this -- you were the first person to play my bride. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] we did a sketch together. >> oh, wow. >> seth: took me years. it took me years to actually go propose to another woman. i was like i had it pretty good. it was -- we were married for all of five minutes, but there you go. >> no. >> seth: it was a long time ago. >> you were always one of my favorites. >> seth: thank you. >> i cried a little when you left. >> seth: oh thank you. that's very nice. i'm very upset with everybody who didn't cry. i feel like -- [ laughter ] those are the people i want to see -- >> i cried for every --
>> seth: this show is fantastic. i watched the first episode. it's created by david simon. tell us all what it's about a little bit. 'cause it is a slightly dense subject matter. >> yes. well, it's about -- okay. all right. [ laughter ] it's about yonkers, about this real thing that happened, it's a true story, it happened in yonkers. started in the '80s when a federal judge ordered 200 units of low income housing to be built in this affluent white, middle class neighborhoods, and what that ignited in the residents, which was absolutely insanity, and it just sort of -- i mean literally, people took to the streets and -- you know. >> seth: and it's fairly recent history, it's late '80s. >> yeah. the case didn't end until 2007. >> seth: wow. that's -- i didn't -- >> yeah. >> seth: i'm only an episode in. so, you know, spoiler alert. [ laughter ] >> i know. sorry. my news is a mini-series.
but it's actually -- you know it's about integration in a place where they just didn't want, you know, the residents didn't want it. but it follows the lives of people, different people living on different sides of it and real people that existed that -- they're not fictional, and it's very powerful. it's very, you know -- yes, i've been stressing a little bit about how to condense it, and make it, you know. but i have to believe, we have to believe that there is a real appetite out there for this kind of storytelling that is really human and deals with -- you know, has resonance. >> seth: i feel like david simon does such a great job taking sort of big, serious issues, and making them very consumable. >> right. >> seth: i'm, of course, a huge fan of "the wire." were you a big fan of "the wire?" >> it's shakespeare to me.
>> seth: it's great. >> it's like, literally, like, um -- butter. >> seth: yeah. >> you know -- [ laughter ] it's like delicious. >> seth: it's like they made shakespeare out of butter. [ laughter ] >> no, i mean, you know, i'm actually being very serious. he does -- he did something that was very remarkable that i never -- he changed my life, that show did, and is intrame. >> seth: i think it changed tv a great deal, too. >> it did. because it really erased the line between good guys and bad guys. you saw the sort of enormous humanity he gave to characters that are usually sort of reduced to, like, "thug number two." >> seth: right. >> you know, whatever. and you just cared so -- he showed all of -- he went into all of it. and it was -- and i think people really, for the first time, like -- you know, he didn't dress it up in something that is in a way we expect and make it sort of that cheap payoff.
>> seth: yeah, he always has such incredible casts, i felt like that show had a great cast. and you worked with oscar isaac here. so fantastic. such a great actor. >> can i just say something about him? >> seth: no, sorry. [ laughter ] >> no. >> seth: he kind -- i would love you to. but we just -- no. >> no, oscar isaac, i have been so incredibly lucky in my career to have worked with some of the greatest actors probably maybe ever, like in the last 30 years i have been doing this. like, really amazing actors. but there is really only sort of a handful that i've had the experience where their cameras are rolling, and they talk. and i think that they're talking to me. >> seth: when they're doing lines from the show. >> yes, and i'm like, and i go blank. but it's not just that he's natural, it's that he's -- i
don't know if you've ever heard katharine hepburn talk about spencer tracy, but she said, "there's no embroidery." you know? "there's no embroidery. he's just does it. it's just the truth." and it is. it is sort of like he just -- the best compliment you can give an actor is to say, "i didn't see you act in that performance, you became that person, i forgot what i was watching an actor." >> seth: people -- i feel like people could always tell when i was acting, cause i did this after every line. [ laughter ] >> no. no! >> seth: "and that's why you have to say to that!" [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> and scene. and scene. >> seth: do you -- i have to ask you about another one of your films. because again, you have been doing this 30 years, you've been in so many amazing films. you started very young. >> i'm 43. >> seth: there you go, 33. >> 43. i'm 43. i'm turning 44 in october. >> seth: oh my god. that's crazy. congratulations. >> i'm baby jane now. >> seth: yeah. there you go. [ cheers and applause ]
>> yeah. >> seth: i want to, cause there's been talk about maybe being a sequel to "beetlejuice." can you confirm or deny this? [ cheers ] >> i think i can confirm it because tim burton did this inter -- like, it was very hush hush, top secret, "i don't know, it may happen. i don't know." and then he was doing press for "big eyes" and he did an on camera interview and he said, "oh yeah, we're doing it, and winona is going to be in it." >> seth: that's very exciting. >> and i was like -- [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: very exciting news. >> so can i say that -- >> seth: yeah. >> i mean if he said it, i can -- >> seth: and if he said, then you can't -- that's on the record. >> yeah, but i really don't know much more than anybody. >> seth: do kids still approach you about that movie? does it endure? does like a younger generation know it? >> yes. i -- little kids. and i think -- i love that. i'm so touched by that. because, how did they know? we're living in -- there's so much cgi, and middle earth, and
all this stuff, and like that they love "beetlejuice" and they -- that must mean there's something very sort of pure about it. in a weird way. >> seth: i think that's the case. it's a timeless film and -- now, my biggest question, do people ever come up to you and make you say "beetlejuice" three times? [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> seth: and are you scared to do it? >> well, and i hesitate greatly to say this. so much that i might not say it. >> seth: you have to say it. >> now i have to say it. at airports, going through security,i have not been let through security unless i said -- >> seth: tsa people make you say "beetlejuice" three times? [ laughter ] >> in a very sweet way, tsa people. i love you. >> seth: that's like the best thing that could happen to you in tsa! [ laughter ] i'd rather say "beetlejuice" three times than go through the stuff that i've gone through at tsa. that's not bad! [ cheers and applause ] >> well, i don't know.
i guess -- no, obviously it's better than being strip searched or -- >> seth: yeah. >> --or tasered, but it's -- i'm very superstitious, so -- >> seth: oh, you've done that. >> now i think there's going to be a sequel, i'm like, what if i say it three times and something -- >> seth: then there's no sequel. >> i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i see fred over there. i've got a text from someone. >> seth: fred wasn't there. >> --someone that said they were you, and i just wanted to ask if it was really you. >> fred: yeah, because you said -- >> 'cause i wanted to be so badly on your show, "portlandia." >> fred: yeah, and then you were in a movie with someone, and they were like, "yeah, you should get in touch with her, 'cause she wants to be on the show." >> i thought it was a prank. >> fred: no, but -- [ laughter ] >> but i showed everybody. it said, like, "hi, this is fred armisen." like i thought -- >> seth: and that was it. and then you just didn't -- >> fred: this is the text back right now. this is it. [ laughter ] >> seth: fred, fred, i've made it clear, i don't want your texting to happen on the show. >> fred: you're right. >> seth: this doesn't count as
texting. otherwise i charge you per text. >> fred: okay. understood. >> i'm so happy now. >> seth: fred, i made it very clear, this is not -- you're not to engage with the guests. [ laughter ] 'cause now -- thank you so much for being here, i'm so excited. >> oh my god. >> seth: i really hope -- this show is so great. >> i asked you before, i was like, "when can i come back?" because i have a movie coming out in october called "experimenter" that's great. >> seth: i said you could come back any time, but then this whole fred thing happened. and i feel like now -- [ laughter ] >> no, there's like -- >> seth: you can come back, but you have to say "beetlejuice" three times. >> i'll do it. >> seth: do it right now. [ laughter ] winona ryder everybody! "show me a hero" premiers sunday night on hbo. >> are you kidding? >> seth: we'll be right back with colin quinn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's a golden opportunity to elevate each moment. ♪ hit every mark. ♪ thread every needle. ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest is an emmy-nominated writer, comedian, and author. his latest one man show "the new york story" is currently playing at the cherry lane theater here in new york through august 16th. e and his first book entitled "the coloring book: a comedian solves race relations in america," is on sale now. please welcome back to the show, our good friend colin quinn! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. >> oh thanks, seth, thank you for having me back. >> seth: it is an exciting time to have you on the show. >> it is, very exciting. >> seth: you're in this hot film, this big film "train wreck." >> "train wreck."
[ cheers ] >> seth: you play amy schumer's father in "train wreck." you're fantastic. >> thank you. >> seth: you've been getting glowing reviews for this performance. >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] want me to lie, folks? it was an honor. i was great in it. it's true. >> seth: were you excited to play this part? >> no, i tried to get out of it. amy, actually, i went to the reading. >> seth: yeah. >> amy said, "i want you to read my father." i was like, "well, i'm too young to play her father," which she obviously disagreed with. [ laughter ] so, i go to the reading. crush it at the reading unfortunately, because i was trying not to -- when you try to be good, you're not good. >> seth: right. >> when you don't care, suddenly -- so, then she goes, "i want to have you come and do the screen test." which believe it or -- they still have screen tests like it's 1935. [ laughter ] they still have like a screen test from the old days. so, i go and judd apatow is there. and i had heard he thought i was too young for it, too. so, i am trying to tell him on the side where amy can't hear. 'cause amy -- very funny, she's a little terrifying. she's got a will of iron. you know what i mean? she's like evita would be, if
she was in charge of things, you know. [ light laughter ] so, i'm saying, "judd, i get it, i'm too -- you know, you don't think i'm right for the part." he thinks -- because i'm saying it on the down -- he thinks i'm trying to lobby for the part. and saying "i know you don't think i am right for the part but i really am good." i am saying the opposite. [ laughter ] so, he thinks i am trying to beg for the part. he is like, "no, no, i think you could do it." like ,i'm making him uncomfortable. and i go, "no, judd," it's like "three's company," you know, like, "no, i don't mean that." [ laughter ] so then i do the screen test and amy says i colored my hair, which obviously you can see, i don't need to color my hair. it's a beautiful -- [ light laughter ] my beard, i color the beard. >> seth: right, sure. >> everybody does that. the taliban color their beards, you know. [ laughter ] so, i go to -- i kill at the screening if i say so myself, once again. want to tell the true story, you got to tell it the way it happened. [ laughter ] and, because i don't want it, next thing you know, they're calling up, congratulations. so next thing, i'm in the movie. but then once i met her father and everything, i realized it was an honor. i am playing her life in front of her. >> seth: and you're great. it was great. also i saw your one man show
which is fantastic. >> thanks. >> seth: "new york story." it about how -- it basically is the story of all the nationalities that have made new york its unique personality over the years. >> yeah. whenever you bring up any ethnicity nowadays, people look at you like, "where is this going, i wonder." you know. very tense. >> seth: you start with irish, which i feel like you can just get away with irish. >> of course. [ laughter ] >> seth: nobody tenses up when it's like, "the irish are like this." >> the irish, you can say anything about the irish. [ laughter ] look, even the notre dame -- they never get rid of the fighting irish, drunk, nobody cares. [ laughter ] cause people are proud, you know, like, "ah irish, drunk." people think it's funny, you know. [ laughter ] people think advanced alcoholism is hilarious. [ laughter ] >> seth: jerry seinfeld directed it. >> jerry directed it. >> seth: you guys have worked together on shows before. >> yeah. >> seth: fun to do it, to work with him? >> um, it's fun, i mean, it's -- [ laughter ] yeah, i mean, it's not fun, no. it is an -- it's a privilege, but like amy, they have the same -- >> seth: very honest. he's not gonna give you a pass. >> very honest, yeah.
and he's almost like those early, like, german, like erich von stroheim directors from the '30s, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> i'm surprised he doesn't do screen tests, too. like, you see him in like some -- those pants, the horse riding pants, whatever they're called. i can't remember. >> seth: jodhpurs? are they jodhpurs? [ laughter ] >> jodhpurs, yes jodhpurs. >> seth: yeah, there ya go. >> and yeah, he is very -- he is a real task master, that jerry. well he's like on the show. you see on "seinfeld" he is kind of ocd. that didn't have that term in the 90's, or they would have thrown it around the show a couple of times. [ laughter ] i am not trying to rewrite "seinfeld", but i'm just saying. [ laughter ] >> seth: i think one of the most heart breaking parts of the show is you talk about how technology has eliminated a lot of classic new york jobs. >> yes, it has. >> seth: explain real quick, what google maps has taken form us. >> well, siri, google maps, they took away directions guy. it's not really a job, but the guy that had a purpose, that was on a pension, hanging outside his house, waiting for somebody to come up the block, you're like, "oh, this guy looks like he knows his way around here." [ laughter ] then the guy looks at him, like,
"what's going on, where you trying to get to?" then they have to shame you, that was part of the ritual. you're like "the van wyck." "the van wyck?!" walk away. [ laughter ] this guys trying to get to the van wyck. you're like, you're busting my balls, like he was joking, he took it personally. >> seth: this is the first book you wrote. did you enjoy writing a book? because it's part memoir as well. >> yeah, i mean, i enjoyed, you know, but you have to be -- a book's not really about reviewers anymore, it's about, you know, what kind of enemies you have on amazon. you know what i mean? it's all about sabotage. you just have to try to get the good ones up front before the bad people. >> seth: so you're saying your enemies wouldn't even read the book. they'd just go on amazon and slam it. >> they just go on and give you one star. [ laughter ] yeah, half a star. >> seth: can you tell the writing style of your enemies? could you like, look and say, "oh, i know who that is?" >> yeah. [ laughter ] it's people you ran into after a show that, you know, you like -- you just weren't -- you didn't connect quite enough the way you should have. >> seth: and you know they're just going right home to their laptop. >> oh yeah. >> seth: and take you down a
peg. >> yeah. >> seth: was "unconstitutional" your previous one man show? is that the one? >> it's the "tusch." the "tusch", it's coming out next week. >> seth: on netflix. >> yeah. >> seth: very exciting, that's great news. another wonderful show that i got a chance to see. and then "cop show." >> "cop show." >> seth: talk about "cop show," real quick. 'cause you're coming up for a second season. >> "cop show," we might as well break it out right now. the important thing is to get the big guest stars, that's how we do it there. so, i'm already committing you -- >> seth: i am committed to season two. >> thank you very much. >> seth: i'm very excited. [ cheers and applause ] very excited about this. >> i'm not gonna ask fred. i'm not even gonna look at fred, i am not giving him the satisfaction. [ laughter ] >> because i know he is going to have, "well, i'm in 'portlandia.'" when you get to work in different parts of the country, the way fred does -- still not looking at fred, by the way. [ laughter ] i don't want him to blow me off on "cop show." i don't appreciate it. >> seth: yeah. so, you're not even going to risk it. [ laughter ] >> unlike winona, i love "portlandia," but i don't wanna be on -- i wouldn't fit on "portlandia."
>> seth: yeah. >> i'd be terrible on there. >> seth: it would be hard to imagine. >> you'd have to bring our -- seth goes, "yeah." >> seth: who would you play in portland? >> i can do a portland accent, how hard could that be? [ laughter ] >> seth: try it. >> hey. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i take it back. i take everything i said back. >> it's not about the lines, it's about the reaction. >> seth: right, yeah, yeah. is this true? you mentioned the taliban earlier. is it true that you -- [ laughter ] >> seth: is it true that you are banned from afghanistan? that you can't -- >> well, i don't know if the ban is still in effect, but yeah, sadly -- i thought it was like a joke. because i went afghanistan, they said "don't make jokes." don't give me this "don't make a joke" about something. it's the only thing you can think of. >> seth: right. >> so they said, don't make jokes about the culture, in like a -- >> seth: so, you're doing a uso show, right? >> a uso show. so it's mostly just american troops -- not just american troops, putting their lives on the line.
mostly just american troops. [ light applause ] real patriotic crowd. [ laughter ] but then -- i gotta work the room. so then they said "don't make jokes about any of the local culture." 'cause a couple of -- whatever, people, stray al qaeda members, i don't know. [ laughter ] >> seth: notoriously terrible senses of humor. [ laughter ] >> so, don't mention the whole, like, culture, of the boy, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> like the monitor -- the whole boy kind of a thing. you know what i mean, it's kind of a -- not that there's anything wrong with that. [ laughter ] anyway, so of course that blurts right out of my mouth, you know. you know, you can't help yourself. >> seth: so then, they wouldn't let you go back? >> so then, i thought it was just a joke, like i'm banned. then artie lange goes to do a tour, and he goes, "you know, you should talk to somebody in america." i go why, what's the matter artie? look i never said i could do an artie lange impression. [ laughter ] my impression are horrible. people, naturally, like
everybody in comedy kind of lets me slide. like i do norm macdonald. i do the worst norm. >> seth: right. >> but people kind of let it slide, 'cause they like me. they feel bad. like, "wow, collin is really taking a risk." and i've been doing norm for years. and everybody kind of knows it stinks. and i thought it was funny this whole time. [ laughter ] and then last year, somebody, i forgot who, but it wasn't really a friend of mine, goes, "that's a terrible impression of norm." my artie too, so forgive me. so then artie goes, "yeah, you're banned from afghanistan basically." i said, "how do you get banned from a war zone?" you know what i mean? [ laughter ] for making a joke about what at the time was supposed to be the enemy. >> seth: yeah. >> it's like, i'm making jokes, like bob hope in world war ii, being like "hey, those nazis." and everyone is like, "whoa, bob, come on." [ laughter ] >> seth: well i hope you can get back there, i really do hope you can get back there. >> gee, thanks! [ laughter ] >> seth: colin quinn everybody! pick up a copy of "the coloring book" in stores and online now. go see "collin quinn the new york story," which returns to the cherry lane theater in october. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ]
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slogan is "mm, mm good." it is. that's why i gave it two mms. [ laughter ] meow mix, whose slogan is "tastes so good, cats ask for it by name." well they ask for half of it, but i'll give it to you. and milk's slogan is, "got milk?" i don't, but thanks for asking. well, we think why should only products have slogans? everything could benefit from one. so we came up with some for you in a segment that we call "new slogans." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ let's start with a slogan for ear hair trimmers. [ laughter ] ear hair trimmers, these are your grandpa's ear hair trimmers. [ laughter ] next, we have reply all as in replying all to an e-mail. let's see the slogan. reply all, destroying relationships since 1992. [ cheers and applause ] that party was a blast. it's a real shame patty the ass ache showed up. "oh, no, what are all those ccs?" oh no. [ laughter ] next, we have a slogan for running shoes. running shoes, for walking.
[ laughter ] you're not going running. next we have man boobs. finally a slogan for man boobs. let's see. man boobs, the breasts a man can get. [ laughter ] [ applause ] next up, we have recycling bins. recycling bins, whoops that's not the garbage. [ laughter and applause ] next up, a new slogan for profile pictures. let's see it. profile pictures, you're going to love the way you don't really look. [ laughter and applause ] next, we have a slogan -- you guys this, one's real important. next we have a slogan for erectile dysfunction pills. take a look. erectile dysfunction pills, pork and beans. [ laughter ] [ applause ] because you see, pills look like beans and porking -- [ laughter ]
is a sophisticated term for sex. [ laughter ] so they're pork and beans. [ laughter ] next we have snooze buttons. you might need to hit that a couple times if you used all those pork and beans. let's see the slogan for snooze buttons. snooze buttons, not yet, not yet, you're late. [ laughter ] [ applause ] finally we have bulk underwear. you know when you buy a large pack of underwear to save money. bulk underwear, get your panties in a bunch. this has been "new slogans" and it's brought to you by dominos, whose slogan is "dominos, you're drunk." we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ they let us use our phonessome. to do amazing things. but why sign a two-year phone contract just to use them?
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