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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  January 26, 2018 11:34pm-12:38am EST

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enjoy the weekend tomorrow should be good. that's our news at 11:00. i am jim rosenfield, for tam mooi and all of us. thanks for watching. good night rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- chelsea handler, desus & mero, comedian rob haze, and featuring the legendary roots
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crew. >> questlove: 811, d.c. >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you guys very much. that's what we want right there. welcome, everybody! welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it. [ cheers and applause ] you're here. you're at the show. thank you for being here. well, here's what people are talking about. this is kind of weird, but it came out that the white house asked the guggenheim if they could borrow a piece of art by
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van gogh. the museum said, "no." [ laughter ] and instead they offered trump a sculpture of a gold toilet. [ laughter ] and trump said, "wait, that was just a sculpture? all right, no one go in the oval office. no one go in the oval office." [ laughter and applause ] there's a buzz here in new york city, you guys. the grammys are sunday right here in new york. [ cheers and applause ] and i saw that bernie sanders is nominated for "best spoken word." [ laughter ] meanwhile "worst spoken word" went to this guy. >> united shahtes. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: well -- "united shate -- united shahtes." well, this is going viral, during a game between the houston rockets and the golden state warriors this week, the warriors coach was joking around with rocket star, chris paul. but take a look at paul's reaction at the end. >> momentarily quiet, the crowd's -- and we'll take a time out. and when we come back, we'll hear from --
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[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i love that! isn't that the best, tariq? >> tariq: that's -- that's classic. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: i thought you'd like that, yeah. [ laughter ] hey, check this out, a a 1969 cadillac that was converted into the world's fastest mobile hot tub sold at an auction, but the bidder wants to remain anonymous. because if you're riding around in a hot tub cadillac, the last thing you want is attention. [ laughter ] yeah, you don't want any attention on that. [ laughter and applause ] and finally you guys, i saw that this week, former first lady, laura bush was on hgtv show "fixer upper." [ laughter ] while, the current first lady asked if she could appear on the show "wife swap." >> steve: oh! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] give it up for the roots, ladies and gentlemen. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much, everybody. happy friday, everybody. >> yeah! >> jimmy: happy friday. [ cheers and applause ] we're all excited here at "the tonight show" because we are taking the show on the road to minneapolis for a special live show on super bowl sunday. >> steve: oh! ♪ [ applause ] >> jimmy: big deal for us. we're all getting our bags packed 'cause the super bowl is like, tomorrow. [ laughter ] and it's going to be a giant show. we've got some huge guests lined up. we have the biggest movie star in the world, dwayne "the rock" johnson on the show. >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we have the cast of nbc's award winning series "this is us." they will be there. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ and we're not stopping there. we're also going to have a a performance and an interview with the star of this year's super bowl halftime show, the one and only,
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justin timberlake. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: whoa! whoa! ♪ what! >> jimmy: lots of fun things planned. >> steve: oh, my god, you're so casual. [ laughter ] man, he's cool. >> jimmy: some surprises too. >> steve: oh, nice. >> jimmy: so stay tuned after the super bowl on february 4th right here on nbc. it's a live "tonight show." it's going to be great. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: ay! >> jimmy: come back again next week -- [ laughter ] >> steve: is that your horse? >> jimmy: dakota johnson -- [ light laughter ] tam smith and chrissy teigen will be dropping in. [ cheers and applause ] we got performances from jason aldean -- [ cheers and applause ] liam payne -- [ cheers and applause ] and rita ora will be here next week. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yo! >> jimmy: but first we have a a fantastic show tonight.
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we love it when she stops by, the very funny chelsea handler is joining us. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: plus, from their late night show on viceland, super funny, desus & mero are here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: yeah! >> jimmy: and we have great stand-up from rob haze, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh! >> jimmy: you got any plans for the weekend, higgins? >> steve: me? i was thinking about -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry, before i even ask you about that, i just -- my brain's a little rattled right now. i've got to be honest. >> steve: why is it rattled? >> jimmy: because have you -- you know, dunkin donuts, which i love -- >> steve: i know you love 'em. >> jimmy: you already know i love the dunkin' d. >> steve: d.d. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so -- [ laughter ] >> steve: he loves -- you love funk and go nuts. >> jimmy: nah, sometimes i funk and go nuts, you know what i'm saying? >> steve: yeah! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: but -- i dunk the d, you know, a a couple times. [ laughter ] >> steve: you love the d. you tell all the time -- how much you love the d. [ laughter and applause ]
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>> jimmy: anyways -- >> steve: friday, fri -- >> jimmy: well, i do love, but they're changing -- they're changing their whole image. they're opening up a few stores, did you hear about this? they're making -- stores and they're just calling it "dunkin'." >> steve: like that? >> jimmy: it's dunkin' and i think it's a bit too much. they're like really going for like young millennials and -- and i love, you know i love it. >> steve: you love the d, i know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but i -- i think they're going too far. have you seen the latest commercial? >> steve: oh, yes! >> jimmy: the super bowl commercial? >> steve: yes. >> jimmy: check this out, tell me if they're going too far to younger viewers. check out this dunkin' donuts. >> 'sup teens, can you even? we can, 'cause we're dunkin'. we're not your parents' coffee place. lame! our new stores are totally tilted. ♪ tilted m that other coffee -- >> corporate. >> know what i mean? i can't has coffee, meow? re-re-re-re -- reboot. [ explosion ] [ vuvuzela ] damn, dunkin'!
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we're so cool, we're coming to hulu. >> stream! >> so fidget spin on into dunkin'. we're the goat. [ scream ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: do you see what i mean, a little bit? >> steve: maybe. >> jimmy: a little bit over the top. >> steve: fidget spin your way -- >> jimmy: i don't know, we'll check it out. stick around, you guys. we'll be right back with "thank you notes." come on back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we took legendary and made it liberating. we took safe and made it daring. we took intelligent, and made it utterly irresistible. we took the most advanced e-class ever and made the most exciting e-class ever. the 2018 e-class coupe and sedan. lease the e300 sedan for $569 a month at your local mercedes-benz dealer. mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. today is friday. [ cheers ] and i got the 12:00 news blues. you know what i'm talking about? >> steve: whoa! >> jimmy: yeah, man. >> steve: 12:00 blues clues? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: 12:00 blue clues? >> jimmy: no, i got the news blues. i got the 12:00 news blues, it styx. ♪ ♪ sittin' on this bar stool talkin' like a damn fool got the 12:00 news blues ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ and a bottle of cold brew ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yeah, that's it. that's good, that the jam, right there. [ cheers and applause ] [ vuvuzela ]
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>> styx! >> jimmy: guys, it is friday. that's usually when i catch up with some personal stuff. i check my inbox, return some e-mails, and, of course, i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] so i thought, if you guys wouldn't mind, i'd just like to write out my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool with you guys? [ cheers ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music, please? ♪ oh, man. [ light laughter ] he looks bummed out. >> steve: wow what's he so sad about? >> jimmy: he looks -- he looks bummed out. >> steve: looks like he's got the 12:00 news blues. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i know, he looks like -- ♪ oh yeah, man! ♪ yeah, that's pretty good. hey, do you ever cape it, james? [ light laughter ] check it out man, it's pretty cool. >> steve: oh, snap. [ cheers ] whoa! ♪
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not the cape! ♪ [ cheers ] ♪ sitting on this barstool talkin' like a damn fool got the 12:00 news blues ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that's it, stay right there. you can stop right there. styx. they should come -- [ cheers and applause ] they should come on the show. >> steve: what's that? >> jimmy: they should come on the show and do that. >> steve: they should come on the show and do it, man. i love styx. >> jimmy: that would be fun. >> steve: tommy shaw. >> jimmy: perfect. >> steve: that's a new style. >> jimmy: it's almost like, it's almost beatlesque or something. >> steve: like a nehru jacket. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: "yeah, you know the first song we did, 'thank you notes'" [ laughter ] "i remember the first time we did 'thank you notes.' you know, i didn't want to do it. [ light laughter ] you know, but then, you know i thought -- maybe it would be good for the band. you know." [ laughter ] james, can i get some thank you note writing music? [ laughter ] ♪ >> steve: wow! that's some -- >> jimmy: that's the attitude. >> steve: that's the jam we've been waiting for. [ laughter ]
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♪ >> jimmy: thank you, speed skating, for being the most intense way to dab. [ laughter ] ♪ thank you, putting your phone in a different pocket than you normally do for that split second of white hot panic. [ applause ] oh, my god. where's my phone. i got words with friends. [ laughter ] i'm going to lose all my friends. >> steve: i don't know anyone's number! >> jimmy: i don't know how to spell words anymore. [ light laughter ] ♪ thank you patriots, going to the super bowl. [ cheers ] because who doesn't love a good overdog story. [ applause ] >> jimmy: finally. >> steve: finally, they're going. >> jimmy: they win one. >> steve: yeah. been waiting. >> jimmy: in their 60th consecutive super bowl the -- [ laughter ]
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♪ thank you, oscar statue, for looking like c-3p0 after getting botox. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, people who quit facebook, for telling me all the reasons you're leaving facebook in a long post on facebook. [ laughter and applause ] just quit. just go away. >> steve: enough. ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, dog sledding for being the only sport that involves staring at a dozen dog butts for hours at a time. [ applause ] is that the only sport? >> steve: it's the only one? there has to be more. doing the d. [ light laughter ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, personal trainers, for getting paid to count to ten. [ laughter ] six.
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seven. eight. give me three more. one, two, three. okay. and a four, two, skipped one. three. [ light laughter ] one. you're done. now give me three more. ♪ thank you, philadelphia eagles coach doug pederson for always looking like you're wearing a a guy fieri visor. [ cheers ] >> steve: oh! oh! [ cheers and applause ] yeah! ♪ >> jimmy: --switch with 48! hurry up! switch with -- switch with him! come on! switch with him and get down! now get up! get down! get up! get up! get up, get on up ♪ get on up, get on up see ya on the scene like a sex machine doing the d ♪ ♪ i'm goin' to the d ♪ ♪ i'm dunkin' the d ♪
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[ applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you, refrigerator icemaker, for always making it sound like my fridge just bowled a strike. [ laughter and applause ] ♪ thank you, "the shape of water" for not being called "50 shades of aquaman." [ laughter ] there you go everybody! those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with, the best, chelsea handler is here tonight! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ get one on us.ne iphone 8 and that's one for you, and one for... your bbf your backup singer. your frenemy
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it's not just something we say when you arrive. the warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. so come on over. we'll give you the inside track. and let you into some little secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. welcome to ireland. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a very funny comedian who's
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written five "new york times" best sellers. ladies and gentleman, please welcome back to our show chelsea handler! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: chelsea handler! >> whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! >> jimmy: chelsea, you look fantastic. >> hold on! hold on. >> jimmy: hold on a second. >> i'm naked on this side. i got to cover this up. >> jimmy: whoa, whoa, whoa. >> whoa, whoa, that was almost. >> jimmy: yeah that's -- >> okay. >> that was almost too hot for tv. oh, my goodness. >> sorry. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: woo. >> oh my god. i don't want anyone to see my diaper. [ laughter ] whoopsie doopsie. oh, no. >> jimmy: whoopsie doopsie. >> you think i'm kidding. >> jimmy: no. chelsea, you look fantastic. thank you for coming back to the show. >> oh, i love being here. i love your band. you guys are awesome. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the roots. >> they're the best. >> jimmy: they really are the greatest. i have lots of things to talk to you about. i have a lot of questions for you. one is, i saw that during the
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holidays, you go skiing. is that a thing that you did with your family every year, like, growing up? >> well, i grew up in new jersey. so skiing on the east coast -- [ cheers ] oh, thank you. >> jimmy: absolutely. >> i didn't know people clapped for that, but thank you. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: people clap for new jersey, yeah. >> i know, but yeah i mean. i guess i'm proud to be from new jersey. it's a good place to leave. [ laughter ] i am proud. i'm proud to be from new jersey. >> jimmy: you love new jersey. >> but i don't want to live in new jersey anymore as an adult. >> jimmy: you don't. you had enough. >> yeah. >> jimmy: as a child, you had a a great childhood. now you're ready to go on. >> yeah, and i was home like a a few weeks ago, or a few months ago campaigning for the governor of new jersey -- the new governor, phil murphy. and i was -- i was with my family and we were walking around the neighborhood. i was like, this seems -- like, we were in montclair, which is beautiful. and i was like, "god, i feel like i could live here." my brother was like, "no, you don't! you say that everywhere you go. you don't want to live in new jersey. you're not a housewife." i was like -- meanwhile his wife was standing right there. i'm like, "hey." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but do you -- wherever you go, do you feel like you're home, or you've been there? i mean, you ended up staying at this ski thing, right? >> yeah, i stayed skiing -- thank you for keeping me on track. i stayed skiing for about --
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i went skiing. it's been a rough year, you know, with everything, politically. so i wanted to just kind of get less angry. and so i go to whistler, skiing for like a week, with my family, and my friends, we get a house. and then i decided to stay. i moved into the four seasons in whistler, and i just skied for two and a half weeks by myself, and -- and, you know, with some random people. and made friends. and i was like a local. i turned into like a local village person. it was so much fun. i felt a -- i'm like, "oh, this is like a a different life that i've never had." you know? >> jimmy: well, i mean, you don't -- normally you don't do stuff solo. you are usually with other people. >> i usually have people that look after me, because i'm not very good at doing things. [ light laughter ] like, you know, like i have a a sitter or something. an adult babysitter. >> jimmy: yeah, that's right. i know you do, yeah. >> i have a lot of people i travel with, 'cause then it's helpful if i can't do something on my phone, i can find somebody else to help me. but i decided this is the year of self-sufficiency for me. i'm taking the year to myself. i want to help get women elected. i want to do important stuff. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: you said that. and you're doing it. you said that and you're doing what you said. >> i did it. i took the year off. i'm going to do a documentary about white privilege. i'm doing that. and i'm going to campaign for all these women that are -- i partnered with emily's list. which is this great -- you guys have to go to emilyslist.org and look up the candidates that are running, because these are incredible progressive women, and we need more women in politics. so, i'm really passionate about that. so, basically i spent the month in whistler, writing down my thoughts instead of tweeting them. [ laughter ] i took a break from the news cycle. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i just had the best time. and i want to be a professional skier now. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you don't. that's not true. but explain to me more about emily's list. what does that mean? emily's list. >> so emily's list, they found kirsten gillibrand. they found kamala harris. they didn't find them, but they endorsed them. and so then they throw money behind female candidates that they think can win, and flip republican seats, or flip -- it's not just necessarily about democrat, republicans. it's just about having women in office. obviously there's a -- it's imbalanced. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love that you're doing that.
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>> when am i doing that? >> jimmy: i love that you're doing that -- >> thank you. >> jimmy: because you actually said last time you were here. i'm going to leave netflix for a little bit. i'm gonna actually going to do this, and focus on making a a change. >> i just want to have an impact. i want to use -- put my money where my mouth is and put my time where my mouth is. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i want to go to places in this country i haven't been, and spend time with people, and understand why we're so divisive. and i don't want to be angry. i want to love people. i want everybody to love each other, and take care of each over, you know, and have health insurance, and stuff like that. >> jimmy: yeah. [ cheers and applause ] the little things. would you ever run for office? >> no, i can't get by on that salary. of course not. [ laughter ] but -- i mean, no. are you kidding me? can't go skiing whistler for a a month on a congress person's salary. no, i can't do that. but i don't -- i'm not somebody -- i'm not somebody who's -- i'm not, you know, smart -- or informed enough in that regard to run for office. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and i would never. but there are so many people running, and that's important to me. but i'm also doing, like, town halls. i'm going across the country. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, talk to me about this. >> and i'm doing -- they're called town halls, but it's more about just having a
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a political discourse with a a conservative person. like, i'm doing wisconsin next week. i'm going wisconsin -- appleton, wisconsin actually. [ scattered cheers ] and we're -- oh, look. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: we allow one person from wisconsin in every show. [ light laughter ] and that's the lucky audience member. >> one person from wisconsin and three people from new jersey. >> jimmy: that's the way it works. [ laughter ] it balances out perfect. >> just having conversation, like what i'm talking about. to talk about why everything -- people are so far apart, and how can we come together. i want to understand people better. i don't want to just like say that person has a completely different life than me, i don't understand them. i need to understand people like that better. i think that's the problem. so, i'm just doing what i can do and i'm going to go around to all these -- >> jimmy: it's not -- is it a a democratic leaning -- >> no, no, it's for everybody. i'm sure people will think, oh, i'm just going to sit there, and spout off my opinions, which i will. but i'm also there hoping to hear other peoples opinions about their political leanings. and being involved on a very civic -- basic level fundamentally with politics.
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not just being -- running and voting in an election every four years. it's about the midterms. it's about being at your local. it's about your mayor. you have to find issues that are meaningful to you, and then support the candidates that support that. >> jimmy: i love you're doing this. you're going to do it all around the country? right? [ cheers and applause ] >> yes. yes. >> jimmy: the first one, february 1st, appleton, wisconsin at fox city's performing arts center. chelsea handler, we love having you on the show. i want to have you on more often. >> i love you, jimmy. >> jimmy: please come back. i do. >> i love you guys too. >> jimmy: chelsea handler, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] get tickets! go see chelsea, go to ticketmaster.com. we'll be right back with desus and mero, everybody. stick around! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ this is jim. he's hyperventilating after opening his verizon bill. who's that? that's the version of you that switched to sprint and saved 50% for his family. 50%?? it is the best price for unlimited. plus i got a new samsung phone for 50% off.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i love our next guests. they're so funny. they're the hosts of the hit show, "desus & mero", airing weeknights at 11:00 p.m. on viceland. set your dvrs and start watching these dudes. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome desus and mero. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: wow. look at the timbos. >> both: oh, yeah. >> yeah. >> these are the get money timbd. you can't have green timbs if you don't -- if you're not rich. >> yes. >> jimmy: wow. >> i'm trying to be like you, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, i mean come on, please. >> drake sent me these.
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they have fur on the inside. >> ooh. >> yes. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. see that's when you know. now you're living it up. >> you know what i'm saying? >> jimmy: you're living the life. >> here get close to my leg so you can see them better. >> jimmy: no. [ laughter ] welcome back to the show. >> thanks for having us back. >> jimmy: we love having you back, because i love hearing your opinion, your take on different stuff. and i love your show on viceland. you guys are crushing it. it's really great. >> thank you, man. >> that's high praise. >> jimmy: congrats, on everything. now, usually when you're here, you guys agree on a lot of stuff together. because you're -- >> yeah. >> yes. >> jimmy: you guys have got good chemistry. [ light laughter ] is there anything you don't agree on? >> surprisingly -- >> filet-o-fish. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he buzzed in first. >> yes. >> yeah, he did. >> jimmy: he buzzed in -- he buzzed in first. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> he feels strongly -- >> ding! ding! >> about the filet-o-fish. >> jimmy: filet-o-fish? >> the filet-o-fish is a -- is a evil cancer square created to destroy america. [ light laughter ] >> who doesn't like filet-o-fish? >> let me tell you something, when you walk into a a mcdonald's, who do you see eating a filet-o-fish? somebody on the edge of death. with a black coffee. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: with what? >> a 95-year-old person with a a filet-o-fish and a black coffee. >> jimmy: a black coffee. [ laughter ] >> staring into -- staring into the abyss of death in their black coffee.
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>> let me get this straight, jimmy kimmel's audience -- not jimmy kimmel. jimmy fallon -- sorry. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] [ buzzer ] ♪ >> i would like to -- >> jimmy: we never -- we never liked desus anyway. [ laughter ] the mero show. the mero show on vice. >> i'm so -- i'm so emotional, because i heard the slandering of the filet-o-fish. [ laughter ] the heavenly ambrosia that mcdonald's gives us. >> with -- >> it's like kissing ariel from "the little mermaid." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's where -- the heavenly ambrosia is -- that's what a filet-o-fish is? >> that's right, a little tarter sauce. mauh! >> we're on tv four nights a a week, this guy's eating filet-o-fish. we got to do better. >> do we? >> we got to do better. >> i -- i'm only eating filet-o-fish, because we're on tv now. >> this guy -- >> you don't want to know what i was eating before. i had a strictly steak-umms diet. >> it's true. yeah, yeah. >> it was disgusting. >> jimmy: i also want your take on this. i heard that you're a little -- a little upset that you were
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snubbed. and -- >> well, yeah. >> jimmy: and i don't want to you -- >> yeah. >> jimmy: any more upset than you are right now. and this is -- and i don't -- >> this is trickery. >> jimmy: the audience, don't freak out. but you guys are not cast in the new live -- >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: "lion king." >> the new "lion king." >> yeah, yeah. yeah. >> timon and pumba. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i mean timon and pumba, you'd would have been perfect. >> when you think of timon and pumba, do you not see us? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i think it's you. c'mon. [ cheers and applause ] >> when you think are timon and pumba? you think of two african animal creatures -- >> you hear what i'm saying. >> walking around in timbs -- >> you know what i mean? >> giving advice to lions. >> yo, simba! simba, yo! >> yo, simba! don't go into that bodega! they got robbed last week. [ laughter ] >> yo, yo! yo, yo, yo! >> don't go there! >> yo, don't trust your uncle, simba. >> chill, chill. yo, scar's shady, bro. >> yo, we going to the serengeti, let's go. [ laughter ] now, you don't want that? >> come on. >> jimmy: no, i mean that's but -- why didn't they call you guys? that's ridiculous. >> you know what it is? because we didn't really apply. >> jimmy: you didn't audition? [ laughter ] >> yeah, i didn't know. i didn't know you had to do that. i thought if you just went on twitter and were like, "yo, we want to be in this movie." then it just happened. >> i just went on twitter and was like, "@disney, yo me and mero, boom!" >> boom, let's do it. >> that's -- apparently you have to go through agents and
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other things. >> yeah. >> jimmy: yeah, you have to audition. you guys don't audition for that stuff. >> audition sounds like a lot. why am i going to get up, and work, and -- >> nah. >> nah, i'm good man. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, you don't have to do that. you don't do that for your -- >> because an audition is like trying. >> yeah, we don't try. [ light laughter ] >> we don't like to try too much. >> it either is or isn't. [ laughter ] that's all it is. you know what i'm saying? >> jimmy: because well -- with your thing -- you guys got started, what, on twitter, then led to the podcast? and now -- and now you've done 200 shows. >> yeah. >> jimmy: 200 shows. >> 200 shows. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: respect. >> look, lebron got 30,000, we got 200. i feel like ours is more impressive. >> it's the same. >> we're right there. >> right there. >> it took more to do 200 then it did for lebron drop 3,000 -- >> 30,000 points. >> 30,00 points, yes. absolutely. >> 100%. >> jimmy: have you guys having fun still? >> yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> yeah. what about -- >> at one point in my life, i was picking up dead rats at an auto mechanic shop. so, i'm going say this is a a little better than that. >> jimmy: wow, is that right? >> i also, you know, i have four kids. so, any time i spend out of the house, you know, is great. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well -- >> i love y'all, though. [ laughter ]
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>> hopefully they're not still up watching this. >> jimmy: yeah, they shouldn't even be awake. >> they might be. >> jimmy: yeah, who knows. [ light laughter ] but what's next? what's the next -- what's next for desus and mero? >> oh man, we got the book. >> book coming. >> you know what i'm saying. >> jimmy: you're putting a book out? >> a real book too. a real book. >> random house. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: random house? >> but it's not one of those books where we're gonna come through the train and sell it to you. >> no, no. >> it's a real book you can have. [ light laughter ] barnes and nobles and amazon. >> yeah. >> it's not stapled in the middle. [ laughter ] >> it's not g-unit publishing. no, no. >> it's not all hip-hop. some of it. >> some of it is. >> it's a lifestyle book. it's about how two different lives - because, you know, he has four kids. maybe at 2:00 in the morning you'll catch me on the f train eating tide pods. we live different lives. [ laughter ] >> really? >> jimmy: you're not eating tide pods. >> don't eat tide pods. >> why not? why not? >> jimmy: cause it's -- >> nah, big -- big government told you not to eat tide pods. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's not the reason why i'm not eating tide pods. it's laundry detergent. i don't eat laundry detergent. >> who told you that? >> jimmy: ice-t. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] ice-t told me not to do it. >> listen. >> jimmy: he told me that. i thought about it. >> if you said the surgeon general, i would be like,
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"nah." but you said ice-t, i was like okay. [ laughter ] >> okay, he's on "law & order." he knows things. >> jimmy: he does, yeah. >> ice-t is back in narcotics. >> jimmy: would you -- would you ever go on tour? >> yes, we're actually going on tour. >> yes, we are going on tour. >> wow. look at you with the segway, boy. teeing it up. [ laughter ] >> we're going to -- >> jimmy: if i didn't do that, i wouldn't be jimmy kimmel. >> exactly! [ laughter ] >> hey! hey! hey! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, i'm the one and only, man. come on. hey, every time you come on, i force you to do this. you don't have to do it if you don't want too. i always like to bring up topics just to see what you guys think. is that cool? >> that's cool. >> it's cool. let's do it. >> jimmy: the winter olympics in pyeongchang are a few weeks away. are you guys into the olympics? >> where's pyeongchang? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's in south korea. >> oh, south korea, okay cool. >> that's important. >> that's the good korea, right? [ laughter ] >> you're too late, if you get off -- if you get off at the airport and it's just like, yo, you're in north korea, that changes everything. there's no good airbnbs in north korea. [ laughter ]
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>> no, no. >> jimmy: all right. thoughts of the possibility of oprah 2020? >> mmm. >> hmm. now, at first i was like we don't need oprah running for president. >> okay. >> however she e-mailed me, and she said i could be the prime minister to jamaica, he could be the prime minister to d.r. so, i'm with it. >> we're down. >> i'm with it. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: that's so not true, by the way. okay. [ laughter ] here we go super bowl lii. who do new yorkers root for? >> let's go yankees! [ chanting ] let's go yankees! [ cheers ] >> that's right, we're new yorkers. >> jimmy: yeah, but do you go patriots or you go eagles? >> i said knicks. [ laughter ] >> it's hard -- it's so hard. this is like i have to watch the super bowl. you know, shout out to the roots, philly. all the way live for the two-o-five. [ cheers ] but no. no! i don't want to see the eagles win. i don't want to see the pats win. >> jimmy: you don't want -- really? you don't want either team to win? >> i mean, listen. >> jimmy: philly would be psyched if they win. >> philly would be psyched. >> you know, it's not -- listen, i love philly.
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philly's gonna be psyched. philly owns it. philly fans though -- >> woo. >> once ya'll get a ring. >> he knows it too. >> yo, listen -- >> you already know. >> got a whole clip full of tweets for me already. >> yeah, yeah. listen, philly will probably have to declare state of emergency if they win the super bowl. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes. >> because it's going to be greasy poles everywhere. be on fire. >> they're going to crash a a trolley into a river. i don't understand how that's possible. but it's gonna happen. >> somebody's going to hijack the train. it's going to be wild. >> jimmy: you think the city will just go nuts, if they -- >> go nuts! and then ten years later, it'll be a denzel movie. [ laughter ] you know it's gonna happen. >> jimmy: oh, my god. >> oh, man. >> jimmy: oh, my god. okay. all right. the bronx's own cardi b -- >> yeah, cardi b! [ cheers ] >> jimmy: is nominated for two grammy awards. >> yeah. >> yes! >> jimmy: do you think that she will win one this weekend? >> i hope so. >> she better. [ cheers ] >> we might be -- we might be at the grammys. >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> yeah. >> listen, the scene in the bronx if cardi wins a a grammy will be the same scene if philly wins the super bowl. [ laughter ] >> yes. yes, indeed. >> jimmy: what? >> same.
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we're gonna light the 4 train on fire! [ laughter ] >> grease up those poles, we're comin' though! >> jimmy: my -- >> it's not a game! >> jimmy: my last thing is -- last time you mentioned the sandwich i had never heard of called the chop cheese. >> yes, yes. to our philly brothers over here, it is the equivalent of -- it is our cheese steak. >> jimmy: mm-hmm. >> you know what i'm saying. >> jimmy: now a chop cheese, i don't know what it is. >> have you never had one? >> jimmy: i never had one in my entire lifetime. >> well, sir -- >> jimmy, it's your lucky tonight. >> there's something here that i have -- >> oh, this is a -- this is a -- [ cheers ] >> first of all, look at the official new york bodega bag. [ laughter and applause ] thank you for shopping here. >> this is a bag you ask them, "yo, papi, can you double bag that?" he's like, "no, get one bag, get out of here." >> go away! take your bag and go. so, here's one for. >> jimmy: thank you. >> somebody get a turn. >> jimmy: interesting. >> it's like a lightsaber of flavor. >> very nice. >> jimmy: a lifesaver -- a a lightsaber of flavor. >> you know what i'm saying? >> now, unwrap it. >> you can already smell, kind of, the odor of the chef that made it. >> you getting a mouthfeel? [ laughter ] you know what i'm saying?
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>> now, i want you to open it. >> jimmy: the odor of the chef that made it. yeah, i got you. >> i want you to open that and inspect it for cat hair. that's how you know if it's good. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about? >> if the cat's been sitting on this bread all day, welcome to flavor country. [ laughter ] >> this is what made guy fieri's restaurant close down. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: this is it? >> all right, look it. get it closer. get in tight. where's my tight -- get tight zoom on this. >> all right. >> look at that interior. >> this is not from whole foods. this is actually from 110th street. >> yeah. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: is that right? >> this came from a bodega that has bulletproof glass. you don't have that anymore. >> this is from the hood. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: the bodega has bulletproof glass? >> bulletproof class is not good, jimmy. >> yes. >> jimmy: all right, here we go. >> take that bite. let's see it. >> let's see it. >> what, count of three. >> jimmy: one, two, three. cheers, man. >> may your first child be a a masculine child. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: mm. that's delicious -- it's like a giant hamburger. >> yeah. >> yeah. we know that you don't like mayo. we said no mayo because it's for jimmy fallon! >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. that's what i'm talking about. [ cheers and applause ] i love these dudes.
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>> love you, man. >> jimmy: i love these dudes. desus and mero. the got the show -- "desus & mero" are on weeknights -- >> my guy, my guy. >> jimmy: 11:00 p.m. on viceland. we'll be right back with stand-up from rob haze. desus and mero! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ tens of millions of people have switched to unlimited on america's most awarded network. verizon? uh... whoa, whoa, whoa. vince. it was just ranked highest in network quality performance nationwide by j.d. power. it's totally verizon. vince! we can see the sign. the v's sticking out. still could be anything. anyway, the most awarded network is... verizon! w-wait, hold it! vince... you didn't know what it was. you did? okay. (vo) unlimited is only as good as the network it's on. so switch to the best unlimited on the most awarded network. now buy select smartphones like the google pixel 2 and get one free.
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♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: this next guy is fantastic. i saw him do a set over at the stand in new york city and he was unbelievably funny. so i go, we got to put him on tv. he's great. he's the co-host of "the book of ye" podcast, dedicated to the legend of kanye west. [ laughter ] it is available -- it is available now on itunes. making his "tonight show" debut, please welcome the very funny rob haze. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. people in new york will tell you stuff about yourself you didn't even know. like i just found out i have a a lost face. whenever i walk in stores, people are like, "are you lost?" [ laughter ] can i help you? like maybe i've been here before. maybe i can find my aisle. give me a chance. [ light laughter ]
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maybe i know how to read. [ light laughter ] i go to clubs, bouncers always do too much. they always like, "you know i got to check your i.d." [ laughter ] you don't have to do all that. i'm born in the '80s. once you see that eight, give me my i.d. back. [ light laughter ] i don't care if it's birth date, issue date, death date, i'm supposed to be here. [ light laughter ] i'm tsa pre-check. i shouldn't have to go through this. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i didn't always do comedy. i used to work at a chicken restaurant at the airport. a lot of people complain about their commute to work, but those people don't have to go through tsa to get to a a kitchen. [ laughter ] i don't know if you ever looked in the back of a fast food restaurant, but there are no
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chairs back there. my friends used to complain about their jobs. and they used to be like, "man, i just want to do what i love." and i used to be like, "i just want to sit down." [ laughter and applause ] i had an interview after that, they were like, "sir, have a a seat." i was like, "i'm so happy to be here." [ laughter ] thank you so much. working there, they would only hire people to work the cash register who were bilingual, whether they could speak english or not. [ laughter ] just on the chance that somebody only spoke romanian, and needed a chicken biscuit. [ laughter ] so they would be calling back orders to me, i wouldn't understand what they were saying. they'd be like, "yes, i need a a bacon, egg, and cheese on biscuit." and i'd be like, "i'ma just give you the sandwich i was
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working on, and hopefull" -- [ laughter and applause ] hopefully their flight leaves soon. [ laughter ] i can't get in trouble if they complain in another country. i can't get in trouble if they complain in the sky. [ light laughter ] i'm pro bullying. [ laughter ] i went through it. i feel like other people should have to go through it. [ laughter ] i didn't just get bullied at school. i got bullied at church. [ light laughter ] family outings. [ light laughter ] i'm the only person i know that got bullied in college. i was well-rounded, but well-bullied. [ light laughter ] i remember one time when i was a kid, these kids took my birthday cards out of my mailbox, and ripped up the checks that i got for my birthday, and put them in front of my house. [ audience aws ] i remember thinking, "man, they remembered my birthday." [ laughter and applause ]
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i feel like a way of adult bullying is people keep asking me, "how old are you?" [ light laughter ] like, i don't have to answer that question. i'm grown. [ light laughter ] sometimes people try to guess my age. they always get the age is too young. they're always like, "are you 12?" no, i'm not 12. you don't know any 12-year-olds that act like this. i have too much swag to be 12. [ laughter ] [ cheers ] everywhere i go people want to talk about politics. people in waiting rooms, people in bars, people in ubers. like, these people are extras in the movie that is my life. [ light laughter ]
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but they feel like they have speaking parts. [ laughter and applause ] i don't need to hear what you got to say. you're not in the credits. [ laughter ] i feel like part of the problem is we're too focused on the big issues. maybe we should start with a a small issue we can solve, and work our way up to the big issues. [ applause ] like, here's a small issue. are we chipping or are we swiping? [ laughter and applause ] i feel like we've done a great job of distributing the chip card. i feel like everybody has a a computer chip on their card.
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it's supposed to keep you safe. you know, bad guys, they don't know about computer chips yet. [ laughter ] then you get to the register, and they're like, "i'm sorry, sir, we're swiping today." [ light laughter ] then the next time you try to swipe, they be like, "whoa, whoa, put the chip in! you'll blow this whole place up if you don't put that chip in! [ laughter and applause ] i'm going to lose my job if one more person swipes!" thank you. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: rob haze! [ cheers and applause ] for more on rob, visit robhaze.com. we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: my thanks to chelsea handler, desus & mero, rob haze once again, ladies and gentlemen. and the roots right there, philadelphia, pennsylvania's own. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
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>> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- sean "diddy" combs. star of the "alienist," actor luke evans. from "disjointed," actress nicole sullivan. featuring the 8g band with john stanier. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers, this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. in a new interview president trump said that russian president vladimir putin could do a lot to help with the north korea situation but, quote, "unfortunately, we don't have much of a relationship with russia."

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