placed a small white note of prayer in its cracks, right next to trumps. [ light laughter ] according to "the new york times," attorney general jeff sessions was questioned by special counsel robert mueller's office last week for several hours. but despite mueller's tenacity, sessions said he would not disclose the location of me pot of gold. [ light laughter ] following reports that president trump carried on an affair with a porn star shortly after the birth of his youngest son, the head of the conservative family research council said in a new interview that trump deserves a do-over. okay, but i doubt she'd still be into it. [ light laughter ] according to "vanity fair," white house staffers have nicknamed chief of staff john kelly, quote, "the church lady." steve bannon lives in a van down by the river. [ laughter and applause ]

yesterday was president and yesterday was president and melania trump's 13th wedding anniversary. at least according to the wall next to melania's bed. [ laughter and applause ] according to a new report, netflix lost $39 million this year on projects it scrapped while cutting ties with kevin spacey, and that's not even including all of the money they lost on the jerry sandusky christmas special. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] that's how i thought it would go. [ light laughter ] rum maker bacardi announced yesterday that it's acquiring patron spirits for $5.1 billion. and like most bacardi announcements, it was shouted at 5:00 a.m. in the backseat of an uber. [ light laughter ] "it's $5.1 billion!

[ light laughter ] 5.2!" [ light laughter ] according to reuters, over a dozen camels were disqualified from a camel beauty contest in saudi arabia after they were caught being injected with botox. [ light laughter ] plus, i'm pretty sure that ain't real. [ light laughter ] that's the most -- most disturbing graphic we've ever made. [ light laughter ] the taj mahal is currently undergoing its first cleaning since its construction in the 1600s. "maybe we should do that," said new york. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] and finally, this is very exciting. we all have inner voices in the back of our head. thanks to newly developed technology, we here at "late night" have the ability to record the tiny voice that's inside donald trump's head. you might be surprised to know that like everyone's inner voice, donald trump's is filled with paralyzing fear and self-doubt. so here it is, the tiny voice in the back of donald trump's head.

♪ >> in my capacity as -- >> hey, donald. it's me. the tiny voice in the back of your head. are you thinking what i'm thinking? because i'm thinking that mike pence looks a lot more like a president than you do. [ light laughter ] i mean, look at him. he's killing it right now. speaking in complete sentences, turning the page each time he finishes a page, not making insane gestures. he looks like a real president. and look at you. you look like a guy who won a contest to stand next to a president. [ light laughter ] i mean, he's a complete freak and all, but at least he can fake being normal. how does it feel to be weirder than mike pence? ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: we have got a fantastic show for you tonight. they're the co-head writers of snl and anchors for "weekend update," my very good friends michael che and colin jost are back on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ]

he is a grammy award winning musician and producer and co-founder of the ally coalition. jack antonoff is back with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and fantastic music from a country singer/songwriter, ashley mcbryde is joining us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] we're so very happy to have her here as well. now, you guys, i'm gonna be straight with you. i'm in my 40s now. i'm married. i have a kid. i have another one on the way. but nothing makes me feel older than when i realize i no longer know the teen slang terms that are being used by teenagers these days. and it seems to me that these days teen slang terms are evolving so fast, that it's impossible to keep up. so we decided as a service to give you a little primer on new teen slang terms in a segment we call "seth explains teen slang." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our first new teen slang term is iphone battery. let's see what it means. it's a friend who is all charged up before you leave the house and then totally drained within 20 minutes.

[ laughter and applause ] here it is. here it is in a sentence. "julia said she was down to party all night, but by the time we got to the club, she was asleep and drooling in the back of the uber. girl an iphone battery." [ laughter and applause ] next up, we have ben carson. this is a guy who is excellent at science, but an idiot in every other way. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "tyler got a 100 in a.p. physics, but he accidentally calls the teacher mom and eats his cereal with a fork. total ben carson." [ applause ] this next one is based on oscar-nominated actor christopher plummer, it's "getting plummer'd." this is when your teacher gets replaced by a substitute in the middle of the semester because he did something bad. [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] for example, "my calculus teacher mr. wilson showed up to homecoming high on molly, and now he's totally getting plummer'd." [ laughter and applause ] up next, it's "instagrim." let's see what it means.

it's someone who only posts incredibly sad photos online. [ light laughter ] for example, "i think trevor is in a bad place. he keeps posting photos of his dead fish with long poems attached. #instagrim." [ laughter and applause ] moving on, it's "whackintosh." here's the definition. the old computer in the school library that doesn't have a porn filter. [ laughter and applause ] here it is in a sentence. "good news, i found a whackintosh in the library. bad news, it took 60 minutes to download two seconds of video. #onlysawthepizza." [ laughter and applause ] moving on, we have "janet status." let's see the definition. it's when your aunt keeps trying to post a message on someone's facebook wall, but accidentally posts it on her wall for everyone to see. [ light laughter ] for example, "my aunt just wrote 'happy birthday big guy' on her facebook wall seven times in a row. total janet status." [ laughter and applause ] this one incredibly helpful for teens. "emojeebies." this is what happens when a

potential hook up turns you off by texting a disturbing grouping of emojis. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "hit up sandy at 11:00 p.m. with a 'u up.' she tested back with a crystal ball, cash, a gun and an eggplant. girl gives me the emojeebies." [ laughter and applause ] up next is "menschwarmer." here's the definition. the jewish kid who should be cut from the team, but he's just way too good of a guy. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "damn it! we were finally going to tell josh that he's cut, but then that menschwarmer shows up to practice with rice crispy squares. now the coach is letting him start." [ laughter and applause ] our last teen slang term is "bwoke." here's the definition. when a dad tries to be woke, but gets it all wrong. [ light laughter ] here it is in a sentence. "jen's dad picked her up from soccer practice wearing a pussy hat and yelled, 'yo, any of you cisgenders need a ride home?' [ audience ohs ] [ light laughter ] he's bwoke." [ laughter and applause ] this has been "seth explains

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let's go! experience awe-inspiring performance in the 2018 lexus lc 500. this never gets old. experience amazing. see marvel studios black panther in theaters feb 16th. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. please give it up for the 8g band right over there.

[ cheers and applause ] back with us tonight, he's the drummer from renowned metal band mastodon whose album "emperor of sand" is grammy nominated for best rock album. they also earned a second nomination in the best metal performance category, brann dailor is back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for being here brann. >> thank you. thank you. >> seth: our first guests tonight are the co-anchors of "saturday night live's" weekend update. snl returns this week with host will ferrell and musical guest chris stapleton. please welcome back to the show, our very good friends michael che and colin jost, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> seth: i was just thinking when you guys walked out, have you ever watched the first time colin did stand-up on fallon? >> no. >> seth: it was great because you work with colin, you know

that he's not the most on time guy, right? >> sure. [ talking over each other ] >> you're later than me. [ light laughter ] >> seth: if he's on time enough to know you're late, you should be ashamed of yourself. colin walked out to the mic, i've never seen someone take a longer walk to the microphone. he like did a big parabolic arc. >> well, that was my first time on tv. >> seth: that was your first time ever on television? it was, right? >> yeah it was the first time i ever -- and you immediately after seth was like, "how could you have walked that slowly?" [ laughter ] he's, like, you used half of the time of your set just to get to the microphone. >> seth: it was like they had told you we want you to do stand-up, but hadn't said there'd be cameras or people. you were like, oh, my goodness. [ light laughter ] and we're going to be speeding it up a lot, the footage, so really take your time. >> he's a small town boy from new york city. [ laughter ] >> seth: you guys -- you're both new york city guys. but very different parts of new york city. >> very, very. [ cheers and applause ]

>> colin is from staten island, and i'm from the projects. [ laughter ] so it's two different corners of the world. >> there were more woos for the projects than for staten island i just want to point out. [ light laughter ] >> seth: we, obviously, we share a history snl now of being "weekend update" anchors, you guys -- now we share something else. you guys were promoted to co-head writers earlier this year, congratulations. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how -- how have you found it so far? >> i mean, as you know, you're basically doing the job already before you get the job. >> seth: right. they don't give it to you unless you can do it. >> right, yeah. >> they're not like, here's some scripts just see what happens. it's basically the same job you were already doing but you have maybe like ten times the stress. like way more anxiety, but you can't do any more work than you're already doing. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. it's like planning someone else's wedding. constantly planning -- if you mess it up they're very mad at you. [ light laughter ] >> you're planning lorne's wedding every week. >> seth: well i texted you congratulations and then you didn't write back and i saw you

at a party and i said, "hey is your phone number the same?" you're, like, i just didn't, i don't even know how to feel about it yet. [ laughter ] >> well, it's a tough situation now because i've got a lot of friends that work in comedy and they're always, like, "hey, man. could you help me get on snl" and i'm always like, "yeah, i don't got no power there." and now i'm head writer i got to like tell them hey, it's because i don't believe in you. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i'm not going help you for that reason only. >> seth: one of the things you had -- sometimes it's just too late when news breaks late on saturday to write a sketch, obviously, but on update you can get a joke in every now and then. this trump administration i feel like, already famous for late-breaking news. have you guys had to squeeze stuff into update? >> yeah he keeps it exciting. >> yeah he's like -- it's like being on "chopped." have you ever watched that show "chopped?" where it's just like a new ingredient for no reason? you're like, all right. now i have got to figure out how to -- >> seth: how put sriracha on my pizza. >> sriracha for the dessert round? okay.

i guess. >> seth: did you guys -- the hawaii disaster -- i mean, not disaster, but of the fake missile or false -- >> it's a disaster among husbands and wives who thought it was happening said something horrible, and they were, like, "take me back?" [ light laughter ] it happened like right before -- >> there was a lot of apology notes. [ laughter ] >> we were on -- it was then it happened like a couple of hours before we were on, and we were talking about doing like a fake emergency alert on the show. like missile headed to new york -- [ light laughter ] and then we were, like, well, i think that it's actually illegal, because we're on -- we're live, and it's the news and we were like maybe we shouldn't. and we realized we had more restraint than the people running the actual agency. [ light laughter ] like, maybe this is crazy. >> yeah, somebody just like pushed the button by accident. like it should be way harder to do that, right? [ light laughter ] shouldn't you have to like two people turn a key at the same

time before you -- >> seth: that's the thing -- >> if you try to print something in microsoft word, it's like don't you want to spell check it? >> yeah. did you mean? [ laughter ] >> seth: but now, i think that's a mistake is we -- now movies are ahead of real life, that every movie everything had to be two keys, and now we are like we are literally a finger, everywhere. >> it's like we don't watch these movies that tell us about the future. that's why -- it's like, i won't buy a sex robot for that reason, because i know it's probably going to try to kill me. [ light laughter ] >> seth: that's the why. [ laughter and applause ] >> really thought it through. >> seth: yeah. >> really thought it through. >> this isn't on tv is it? [ light laughter ] >> seth: not all of it, obviously. >> you were going to get one sent -- >> seth: another -- last week -- >> we get free stuff all the time if we just mention a product. [ light laughter ] and i've been trying to subtly just mention products to get it sent to me for free, so i'll let

you know if i get a sex robot or not. [ laughter ] >> seth: i feel like -- >> we've been doing the worst ones because i mentioned the kia sorento the other day, so i'm like -- [ laughter ] and then he mentioned gasex on the show and they immediately sent him a bunch of gasex. so, it's like -- [ light laughter ] >> yeah. i mentioned lululemon in this sketch where i played a liberal white woman -- >> seth: yeah. >> and they sent me a bunch of lululemon clothes, and now i got to explain that to my family. [ laughter ] >> seth: i want to talk -- you played gretchen white liberal -- and how much makeup were you in to transform into a white woman? >> i tried to go as method as i could with as much makeup as possible. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: really unrecognizable -- i won't tell the people watching at home which one che is, but he's one of those -- one of those three white women. when the stormy daniels story happened, when that broke the crazy thing was, the last time donald trump was on the show he was in a sketch with vanessa and cecily who were playing porn stars.

>> that's true. >> seth: did you guys -- did that occur to you as quickly as it occurred to me? >> yes. about instantaneously. >> seth: yeah. >> because in the sketch, at the end of it, he turns to cecily and he says "didn't you used to be a brunette?" [ audience ohs ] and like, he's not going to ever say that and then he said it. [ laughter ] and literally right after it says it, it cuts to donald trump for president 2016. it was insane. >> seth: so you guys have a theory that people are actually jealous of trump, which not a lot of people talk about. >> i like that you said it as though this is our known theory. [ light laughter ] we have this theory. >> i wouldn't say jealous. i just think they're waiting for the other shoe to drop where he gets his comeuppance, but it just seems to keep getting better and better for him. [ laughter ] and it's driving people nuts. like you know, the medical report comes out about him like he's 239 and he can live until he's 100-years-old and you're, like, "how is that possible?" [ laughter ] people are basically just really angry at him that he has great genes. >> seth: yeah. >> like he can just eat this -- mcdonald's five times a day and he's fine. >> seth: and he does. his parents lived to be very

old. >> he's definitely going to be 90. >> seth: 90 at the minimum. >> yeah. well, i have a theory that we're going to have tiny robots inside us and we'll live until 250, but that's not what this is about. [ light laughter ] we'll talk about that later. >> seth: somebody's gonna get some tiny robots sent to them. [ light laughter ] >> sent inside them? [ light laughter ] >> seth: one of my favorite things, of course, is the sketches that are written that do not make it to the show, and some of these ideas maybe have not even been written. do you have some favorites? >> even the ones that have been written haven't really been written, they've been like really, half thought out. >> seth: what is the rosetta stone sketch? >> this was when donald trump hosted, i pitched him an idea that he weirdly didn't want to do, where he was a spokesman for rosetta stone mexican. [ light laughter ] so he would teach you phrases you could say to someone who was mexican, like you're going to build the wall. >> seth: oh, i see. >> no -- no usted -- you know whatever. [ talking over each other ] >> seth: what was heroin a.m.?

>> that was non-drowsy heroin. [ light laughter ] it was from the makers of cocaine p.m. [ laughter ] and it was a sketch that was not popular in middle america. >> some sketches are just good ideas and it's not even funny. >> yeah, that's a great product. >> that's just a good product. [ light laughter ] >> you want to take heroin, but you also want to get some stuff done. >> seth: what was -- was it your idea the origin of screw the pooch? >> yeah. i wanted to do a sketch about the first guy to ever say the phrase "screwed the pooch" because -- an intern one time messed up a coffee order and i was like, "hey i didn't order this." and he goes, "i'm sorry about that che, i really screwed the pooch on that one." and i said, "what was that?" and he goes, "screwed the pooch." it means i made a mistake. and i was like no, man, it means, you had sex with a dog. [ laughter ] and you should probably stop saying that in a workplace environment. so i wanted to just dig into that guy, because i'm sure he probably had sex with a dog one time and just kept pretending

that it was a mistake that everyone else makes. [ laughter ] >> yeah, that's like the coffee thing. we all make mistakes. >> oh, you messed up the coffee? now who has sex with dogs? still you gary! you're still the only one that's done that. >> seth: half viagra? >> oh, yeah. that's a fun one. >> well we kept seeing these ads -- i don't know if you've seen them, for single packs of viagra. where it's like a weird husband, and it's, like, we're going on a trip with my wife and he's like, oh we'll pack one single pack of viagra. he's like, i want to have sex, but i don't want to carry the whole bottle. >> seth: right. >> so they're on vacation and you can be like, you get one shot. [ light laughter ] we wanted to do ads for half-packs of viagra. and if you didn't want to have sex, you just wanted to make it look a little bigger. [ laughter ] like if you knew you were going somewhere, like you had a doctor's appointment. >> or like a tailor or something. you know -- [ light laughter ] got to use like, a stadium urinal. you want people to be -- [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah.

>> whatever. i still say we should have called it viagra al dente. [ laughter ] >> seth: first black guy to boo jackie robinson? [ light laughter ] >> right. first of all, it was february and i wanted a black history sketch, and i was like, "who was the first black guy to boo jackie robinson for a baseball play?" there had to be one, i mean, he -- i'm sure he had an error before. >> seth: uh-huh? >> yes. censor said no. >> seth: really? >> yeah, my favorite sketches are, like, really racially charged. >> seth: yeah. >> like chris hemsworth hosted and i wanted to do a sketch where the avengers save the day, but in the process thor accidentally kills an unarmed black teenager. [ audience ohs ] [ laughter ] >> he didn't think that was on brand? >> yeah, he said it wouldn't help with tickets. [ laughter ] >> seth: i think it would've helped with tickets. >> i thought it would help with tickets, too. >> seth: was it a cvs game show sketch?

>> a game show that was set inside of a cvs that was called who works here? [ laughter ] >> that's a good one. >> contestants had to buzz in try and decide is that you know, an employee, or a drifter in a red vest? [ light laughter ] >> seth: and then, this one you guys -- cecilia gimenez was a character that kate mckinnon played. >> yes. >> seth: and for the actually news story and why she first played him, there was a painting of jesus right, that someone repainted and then to retouch it, and then it looked like a howler monkey. >> basically. >> seth: it was, like, the worst repainting job of all time. >> yeah. and then we did one i think where she did the cristiano ronaldo statue that was in segment two. or the lucy one, it was like lucille ball where she looked like the snake character from beetlejuice. [ light laughter ] and this, someone talked about 'cause they saw -- i don't know if you guys saw the animatronic trump at disney world, or something where she was the one who designed that. it basically looked like a way worse jon voight >> seth: melty voight.

so what is the pressure like? obviously every week on "snl" there is a certain amount of pressure. you guys have one of the all-time greats, will ferrell this week. some would say oh, my god, cruise control, but you have to feel pressure. >> yeah. you do, you feel a lot of pressure because everyone already knows he's good. [ light laughter ] so if it's not good it's our fault. we're the ones that's the problem so yeah, it's a lot of pressure. hopefully will can step up to it. [ laughter ] carry us through with a cowbell two. >> seth: well, i especially am grateful you guys came here tonight because pretty much you're gonna leave here here and go right up stairs and write through the night. i can't wait for saturday. it's always such a pleasure to see both of you. and update has been so fantastic this year. keep up the great work. >> ah, thank you man. >> congratulations on the globes too. you were fantastic hosting the globes. >> seth: thank you so much. really appreciate it. [ cheers and applause ] >> wonderful, wonderful. >> seth: jost -- jost sent me jokes for the globes, which was very nice, and like a day before the globes you had an idea.

>> oh, yeah. >> seth: it was unproduceable. >> yeah, i wanted andy samberg to play the creature from "the shape of water." and that he was in the audience and he was falling in love with seth as the show went on. and the second time you saw him he was in a bathtub on stage asking seth to get in the bathtub. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and it was great because it was written like someone who had never been in show business. >> yes. [ laughter ] that's how i try to approach every idea. you had the good sense to do like, good, smart stuff. >> seth: no no, no, i -- but i did like the idea of like, just constantly like in the middle of like a speech. like oprah giving her speech, andy being like, "i need water." [ laughter ] i think that was what the evening needed. >> you definitely should have booed oprah. that would've been the best. [ laughter ] >> seth: get seth back out! thank you guys so much for being here. che and jost everybody! [ cheers and applause ] "snl" this week will ferrell, chris stapleton. we'll be right back with jack antonoff! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a grammy-winning musician, and the frontman for the band bleachers. he also co-founded the ally coalition which hosts it's fourth annual talent show tomorrow night at town hall in new york. please welcome back to the show jack antonoff, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> seth: welcome back! >> thanks, seth. >> seth: so, i want to start by talking about the ally coalition. this is a great organization that you started with your sister. yeah? >> yeah. >> seth: you're doing a talent show tomorrow night, and so, tell me real quick about the organization, and why you do a talent show as your fund-raiser? >> well the talent -- i mean, you ever been to a fund-raiser where there's, like,

a lot of, like, boring things happening, and repulsive steak. >> seth: yeah. >> and you're like, that was great, but -- no. >> seth: it was bad. yeah. >> yeah. so we just thought, well the organization we raise money for homeless lgbtq shelters. specifically, we work a lot with a shelter called "new alternatives" in new york city. it's a really specific niche because a lot of -- any youth homelessness is obviously horrible, but kids who are being kicked out of their homes because they're gay, or trans, it's the worst. and these shelters need a lot of help, and there's a lot of great organizations that are big organizations and do great work, but we just do events, and then give money straight there. it's real ma and pa. so we thought no steak, you know? no -- >> seth: yeah, no steak, no salmon, even as an alternative. yeah. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] no fish at all. >> seth: no, right. >> but you know, like, what if we just like took kind of those old school, like, when you're in high school and there's talent shows, and someone does a harmonica, and someone does a

dance, and someone like raps. but instead, it was like me, and the national, and lorde, and that kind of thing. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. >> because the truth is like, touring can be rigid. like, i'm sure you're this way. like, don't you like getting loose, seth? >> seth: yeah. i like to loosen up. thanks, man! i've been telling this to my wife for years! >> right, yeah. [ laughter ] but like you know -- let's think about seth here for a second, like you know, you have room to be loose, but you still have -- there's still a -- >> seth: sure. >> you've got to do something here that's specific, where as like, if you just do like an open mic somewhere you're probably really -- loose. >> seth: yeah. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] so i want to create a space where we could raise a lot of money for the shelter, and then also have a really good time. >> seth: so, when you have somebody like lorde or the national, at the talent show are they then doing -- are they out of their comfort zone? >> yeah. 'cause, it's like a piano and acoustic guitar, everyone comes and messes around. >> seth: covers -- is that? >> it's just -- well, the nice thing about charity is as soon as you do something that is so much more important than anything, everything exists below it, and is just fun. if i go play a show. that's the show, and that's the whole point of the night.

people bought tickets for that show. if i do a benefit, and we're giving money to a shelter, what could go wrong? >> seth: yeah. >> it's, like, if i play terrible, or sing terrible, or fall off the stage, it's like, we still raised the money, you know? [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah, exactly. i think that's a good way of looking at it. >> hence why you eat the fish or the steak, because you still raised the money. >> seth: yeah, exactly. that's why you don't send it back, and say this is -- >> yeah, that's why you're not like -- >> seth: -- disgusting. yeah. [ light laughter ] >> i saw seth at a benefit just flip a table. >> seth: i -- that was twice, and so you only saw one of them. >> you demand quality. [ laughter ] >> seth: congratulations. you were nominated for two grammys. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] >> seth: very exciting. one for working with taylor swift. one for album of the year, lorde's fantastic album, and lorde was here. i loved talking to her about that process of you guys collaborating. i did not realize that you -- >> did you like her voice? >> seth: her voice. she's got a really nice voice. >> special, yeah. >> seth: yeah. you're a music producer, you probably noticed right away. >> moon man.

>> seth: what? >> you said moon man? >> seth: you're a moon man. you've been to space. >> you a moon man. [ light laughter ] >> seth: did you -- you introduced her to american cereal? >> yeah. >> seth: how did that come about? >> we've introduced each other to a lot of things because it's a vastly different culture in new zealand to the united states. in the united states we have a tendency to think this is it. >> seth: right. nailed it. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, like -- for example, i have an italian friend, and i was like italian wedding soup, the best right? and they were like that's not a thing in italy. [ laughter ] so they don't have -- you know, i grew up in a culture where every night you would have a cereal while you watch tv. sounded sad. my dad gave me a pack of cigarettes -- [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. i wanted dinner, but he said have your cereal. >> well, this was after dinner. i was fed. not in other ways, but i was fed good food. so you know, she didn't know lucky charms, cinnamon toast crunch, fruity pebbles, just the classics and that's a -- absurd niche. that was one thing i was able to show her.

>> seth: did she -- when you first -- >> she taught me class. >> seth: she taught you class and grace, and you taught her -- >> i taught her about fruity pebbles. >> seth: was her reaction to it, coming to it later in life, is it jarring to eat fruity pebbles? >> well yeah, it was disgusting. [ laughter ] >> seth: yeah. i would imagine that once you get past like, age six, it's like, well the window closed on fruity pebbles. >> there's things -- you're a jew, right? >> seth: uh, not really. >> you're not jewish? [ laughter ] >> seth: isn't that crazy? my father -- [ laughter ] i married one, if that matters, and so my children will be, and i think eventually i'm going to just cave. [ laughter ] >> that's what we call it. we used to call it converting, now we call it caving. [ laughter ] but the reason why i was going to bring up jewish things, because in different cultures like americans with sugary cereal, you adapt to things. so you know, gefilte fish, the plasma that it lives in, certain pickled herrings, et cetera. >> seth: yeah. >> a bunch of jews in the audience. [ laughter ]

if i show that to a non-jew, they love it. you know, so it's like -- [ laughter ] >> seth: right. >> so our american cereal to a new zealander is the same. >> seth: yeah, it doesn't seem like -- >> you know, that you're like doing a jewish thing. right? >> seth: yeah, yeah, no. anyone who thinks i'm jewish, i'm not, like, how? where did you come to that? [ laughter ] >> yeah, sorry. unplanned. undiscussed. >> seth: no, exactly, no. certainly name, face, everything about me, it's a safe bet. [ laughter ] my father's father was jewish, so it's, like, there. >> it's there. >> seth: yeah, but i feel weird when people say are you jewish? i'm like demonstrably not, but i also feel like it's a weird thing to say to jewish people, like no, no, no, no, no. [ laughter ] >> you got a piece. >> seth: i got a piece, yeah. >> i'll tell you why i'll take a piece, and why we will. >> seth: okay. >> is because jews love to refer to all the terrible things that have happened to jews, like a jew would love to be like, you know who would have thought you were a jew? and then they'll be like, you know, yeah. >> seth: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> so -- you know, because it

wasn't, like, whether it was egypt, or europe, or whatever it was, it wasn't, like, oh, you're all this -- it was all bad. yeah. >> seth: yeah, no one was ever like -- having the paper work, and being like, "so how jewish are you?" >> yeah, totally. >> seth: yeah, no, that's fine. >> and there was like -- it didn't happen. >> seth: but i also feel a little disappointed, because i do -- and you can speak to this more than i can because you're jewish. jews are always happy to find other jews. like, so when i say i'm not, i feel like i'm letting people down. >> can i tell you why? >> seth: yeah. >> well, this is actually -- you will laugh -- you might laugh, but this is totally serious. jews, because of an existence starting all the way in egypt of someone trying to stop the culture from moving forward have this diabolical need to move it forward. so unlike other religions jews, at least the jews i know, promote sex amongst jews, but it has to be with jews. so i'll give you a quick anecdote which i'm actually happy to share, because i'm writing it into something, and i don't want someone else to take

it so we can stamp it. >> seth: great, okay, perfect. [ laughter ] >> many of my friends lost their virginity about a mile from auschwitz, and i will tell you why. no this is serious, because jews put other jews on these crazy trips. like, i went on a mock exodus trip. >> seth: right. >> where they put 1,000 jews on a boat that were all horny, and 14 with no counselors, and we all touched each other, so like -- [ light laughter ] i'll get back to the -- are they going to cut this piece? >> seth: no, i don't think so. do you want them to? [ laughter ] i think -- i'm fascinated by it. i think we should -- i mean, this is great. >> i think you should keep it. >> seth: yeah. >> well, it's just when i said i know a lot of jews who lost their virginity near auschwitz, and the entire audience gasped. [ laughter ] >> seth: well now i have to be honest. were you surprised, because there's no near auschwitz where people go -- ha ha ha ha! [ laughter ] it's a sentence killer. [ laughter ] >> let me explain myself. yeah. here's why, so they take you, and they take you on these historical trips, but they keep it all jews together, because they want you in a very emotional environment to connect

with other jews, see the history and then -- >> seth: right. >> what do you do if you're 14 and just you had your mind blown by horrible things you've seen from world war ii. and you get back to the hotel and they're, like, now have fun, you know. [ laughter ] and you're, like -- >> seth: that -- yeah. >> and you go and you touch jews, you know? >> seth: yeah. [ laughter ] i think that's a beautiful -- i don't know if you told us more about judaism, or 14-year-olds, but i do feel like -- [ laughter ] >> but here's the difference, i have a lot of friends of different faiths, and some other faiths, they're more like don't touch. the jews are, like, touch, but with a jew, because if you don't the race will die. [ laughter ] so you have this crazy freedom, and stress. i think that's what the culture is. >> seth: i will say my wife's jewish parents were very, like, oh hooray! what? oh. [ light laughter ] >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> seth: and then like over the course of five years they were, like, oh, you're jewish enough. >> but i mean intergenerational

trauma is fascinating, and i think that there's so much humor in it from the jewish culture. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> not a joke! [ laughter ] >> seth: no, i know. >> by the way, they gasp when i mentioned a historical site, and when i say intergenerational trauma is fascinating they cackled. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. they. >> sorry, guys. but we're wildly off topic, maybe? >> seth: i don't know, but i think it was kind of wonderful. >> it was nice. >> seth: thank you for going off topic with me, i think that was great. and congratulations on this event -- year four tomorrow, right? >> it's really exciting. we moved it to town hall and thank you to everyone who supported it. >> seth: i feel like i want to say one more time. its bleachers, it's lorde, it's the nationals, who -- oh, spoon? is spoon? >> spoon is playing. michael birbiglia is going to be there. >> seth: oh, fantastic. >> shamir, kacey musgraves, aparna, phoebe robinson, jacqueline novak. >> seth: well that's an incredible night. thanks for doing all of that great work, and it's just so great to talk to you always, man. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you so much. great to see you. >> seth: jack antonoff everybody. for more information about the ally coalition visit theallycoalition.org.

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[ cheers and applause ] ♪

>> seth: with a slew of 2017 year end praise, my next guest is poised to break out in 2018 making her television debut performing "a little dive bar in dahlonega," please welcome ashley mcbryde, everyone! ♪ ♪ ♪ to the bags packed first love leavers the heart cracked double down dreamer ♪ ♪ the homesick for grass that's greener and a slice of mama's peach pie ♪ ♪ to the flat broke couch cushion gas money the worker bee that ain't getting no honey ♪ ♪ missing someone all the while running gunning for the brighter lights ♪ ♪ here's to the break ups that didn't break us the break down wrong turn that takes you ♪

♪ to a little dive bar in dahlonega hear a song from a band that saves you man ♪ ♪ it's hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothing's going right ♪ ♪ making the best of the worst day kinda night ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ we've all got a number we don't wanna drunk dial and a good friend we ain't seen in a while ♪ ♪ and a slow dance left in these boots and a chance at putting down new roots ♪ ♪ here's to the break ups that didn't break us the break down wrong turn that takes you ♪ ♪ to a little dive bar in dahlonega hear a song from a band that saves you man ♪ ♪ it's hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothing's going right ♪

♪ making the best of the worst day kinda night ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ here's to the break ups that didn't break us the break down wrong turn that takes ya ♪ ♪ to a little dive bar in dahlonega meet a girl outside atlanta ♪ ♪ then when it's hitting rock bottom smoke them if you got them nothing's going right ♪ ♪ just singing along with your drink raised a pretty little blonde thing's looking your way ♪ ♪ making the best of the worst day kinda night

and it's making the best of the worst day ♪ ♪ kinda night ooh here's to the break ups that kinda night ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: ashley mcbryde. the album, "girl going nowhere" is out on march 30th. for dates head over to ashleymcbryde.com. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] sfx: muffled whistle text alert. i'm your phone, stuck down here between your seat and your console,

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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: my thanks to michael che, colin jost, jack antonoff. ashley mcbryde, everyone. [ cheers and applause ] brann dailor and the 8g band. stay tuned for carson daly. we'll see you tomorrow! [ cheers and applause ]

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> carson: hi there, i'm carson daly. this is "last call." tonight we're at the cutting room in new york city, and here is what's about to hit your tv screen. it's a good one, and the spotlight from "the magician's jade tailor is on the show.