tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC February 5, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EST
economy is n as strong as once believed, and an unexpected jump in the number of americans filing for unemployment. and tomorrow, the late michael jackson's doctor, conrad murray may turn himself into authorities in los angeles to face charges in connection with the singer's death. prosecutors, however, are unhappy with his conditions of surrende surrender, fearing the appearance of special treatment. if murray does not turn himself in, prosecutors will seek a warrant for his arrest, and we'll have a report on that tomorrow. that's our report for tonight. for all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, dr. mcsteamy is here, eric dane. we have a kardashian on hand. music tonight from the bravery, and meet jimmy the pig. >> i'm so fat, i can barely even move. because i eat too much. >> what is your favorite food? >> i like to eat slop.
here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. i'm jimmy, appreciate all the noise and attempt to stand. up know what, don't think of me as a talk show host. think of me as a good friend whe phone number none of you have. okay? you know, i know we're focused on the super bowl and "lost" and trying to get our toyotas to come to a stop, but something significant happened over the past few weeks, and i don't want to jinx it, but i feel it's important to acknowledge. something felt different, and i just laid there thinking for awhile, and i realized, nobody cares about the gosselins anymore. i haven't seen a jon or a kate
in, like, nine days. it's like a giant ed hardy veil has been lift and we're free. until they get tans and move to the jersey shore. speaking of that, what a big day for snooki it was today. snooki got not a makeover but a make under on the show "inside edition" today. they are trying to show her that you don't necessarily have to dress in giant hair and orange body paint to be popular, and, which in a way defeats the purpose of being from new jersey. it's like replacing flavor flav's clock with an understated string of pearls. snooki was not particularly pleased with the new look. >> so, we love your look, but i'm curious, can we give you a makeover? >> i would love one. >> let's do it. >> let's go. >> you look fabulous. >> really? how do you feel? >> um -- i feel like my
grandmother. these earrings, the jewelry. >> it's a completely different look for you. this is the modern chic business look. so would you wear this out anywhere? >> no. i wouldn't be caught dead in thisutfit. >> jimmy: oh, that's -- that will add some color to her cheeks. terrible luck. [ applause ] here in california, our governor, around schwarzenegger spoke about our state's inf infrastructure yesterday. or tried to. his english still isn't very good. the governor had some thoughts on other states, and this, to me, is why we need to eliminate term limits. i cannot tell you how much i'm going to m l to get to iowa. they want to come here to california. and we are known for all kinds of things, not just, like some of those other states, you know, like, one state is known for poe
day taupes, another known for its oil, another state known for its old people. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yes, he -- [ applause ] florida is known for their delicious fresh squeezed old people. really hits the spot. speaking of old people, the aarp says -- the latest group to jump on the sexting train is senior citizens. it makes senior citizens, well, horny, i guess. there's a phone company that's been running ads that is having a lot of success as a result of encouraging this. >> jitterbug! >> jitterbug phones are great! >> i love the big, easy to read numbers. >> it makes it real easy to take pictures of my bathing suit area.
>> what is that? >> jitterbug. in silver, black or new red. >> way until he gets a load of these pancakes. >> jitterbug! >> jimmy: isn't that nice? jitterbug. and that's how grandma got pregnant again. president obama has decided to skip the winter olympics in vancouver. i think he's still mad they stiffed him in chicago. they're sending vice president joe biden in his play. the president won't be at the super bowl. in a show of spirit of cooperation, he invited top republicans to watch the game with him at the white house on sunday. that should be a lot of fun. going to need a two-thirds vote
before they pass him the door ree toes. there's controversy about one of the amds at the super bowl this year. a commercial paid for by a group called focus on the family featuring heisman trophy winner tim tee bow. he is a powerful spokesperson for the pro life movement. but the national organization for women is upset about it, because of their side, not being represented. so, in the interest of fairness, cbs has agreed to air this rebuttal ad. >> hi, i'm jeff. i'm 35 years old, i'm unemployed, i live in my parents' basement and i steal money from them to buy video games and porn. mom, where's my sandwich at! mom! my sandwich! >> paid for by americans for choice. >> jimmy: you know, both sides do make interesting points. this is fascinating.
do we have any scientists in the audience tonight? surprisingly. usually we have about a dozen, but. anyway, scientists just foundbe faces. bees view us as some sort of strange flower. everything is flowers with them, you know? they came one a video that -- this is how bees see us. >> i will blossom, the beautiful, big petals blossoming out until it shows its entire glory and beauty. i am a beautiful man flower. >> jimmy: he is the beautiful man flower. [ applause ] for whatever reason this bee story interested me so i decided to do my own study today with our parking lot security guard guillermo. he's the subject of many of my experiments. we sent guillermo to a beehive
today, and the idea was, we wanted to see if the beeps would recognize him. he's very popular in the bee community. we didn't tell guillermo it was a fake beehive and it was rigged with aoud buzzing sound, a speaker, and also a cannon full of fake beams, so, enjoy. let's watch that again in slow motion. and you can see here -- wow. what a -- well, well worth the $40,000 in special effects. did you know that that was going to happen, guillermo? >> i had a feeling. >> jimmy: you had a feeling? [ laughter ] one other thing, you know, kids are -- kinds are weird. kids will believe almost anything if you are convincing enough. we hid a fun thing last year where i was made up to look like
a chimpanzee and kids would come talk to me. it was a lot of fun. we decided to do it again. instead of a chimp, kids got to meet a tking pig. here's jimmy the talking pig, making kids' brains explode. i'm a pig. but then you knew that. >> here he is. our famous pig. come on in. >> he's sleeping. >> you ever see anything like that? >> no, never. >> you want to pet him? >> there he is. you can pet him, you know, you can talk to him. is, don't give him any water.ay >> why? >> bad things can happen.
he's like a cactus. he doesn't need water. all right. there you go. go ahead. >> that's weird. >> see you guys later. >> jimmy: hey guys. >> oh, my god, he's talking. >> go back in there. >> we got scared. >> that's all right. he's fine. look. look. he's fine. here, come on up. >> that's really weird. >> jimmy: i think the little girls are scared. >> are you scared, little girls? >> no, you go. >> he's harmless. >> jimmy: i'm just a pig. i'm not going to hurt anybody. i don't even ahave teeth. >> nothing is going to happen. >> pigs can't talk. >> yeah, some pigs can't talk. >> jimmy: i can. >> this one does. >> jimmy: i'm a very special pig. >> a talking pig? you have babies? >> no, not yet.
i want to have them, though, one day. >> jimmy: i need to find a girlfriend, though. a girlfriend pig. >> go out there and find one. >> jimmy: here's the problem, guys. i'm too fat. >> what? >> jimmy: i can't even move, really, except for my hoofs. >> you know what, i'm going to be right back. i have to oorg nice the penguin tossing festival. >> i want to see that one. >> jimmy: what are your names? >> my name is michael. >> jimmy: michael? what is your name? >> nicholas. >> jimmy: michael and nicholas. are you friends? did you just meet? >> we just did. >> why are you stuck? >> jimmy: that stupid cowboy makes me live in here. >> this is just a little barn. >> jimmy: you're right. i'm the smartest pig in the world. >> you know one plus one? >> jimmy: 11? >> that's two. >> jimmy: i'm not good at math. >> pigs don't too math. >> jimmy: you're right. we're not very good.
>> pigs like to be in the dirt. >> jimmy: i love it. i love it. >> you like -- remember that pig from the barnyard? >> jimmy: what barnyard? >> the -- the one from nick jr. >> jimmy: i don't have television. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: i don't watch television. i'm a piyou're a pig, yeah. >> jimmy: i'm really thirsty. can you give me that water? >> i have to ask the cowboy. >> jimmy: he's busy. just push it near me. that would be great. oh, but i need it into my mouth, if you could, just pick that up. thank you. >> so -- um -- >> jimmy: thank you. he doesn't like to let me drink water and i'm so happy to do that. you know why? >> why? >> jimmy: because crazy things
happen sometimes when i drink water. can i have more? thank you. >> what crazy things happen? >> what kind of crazy things? >> jimmy: sometimes i pee all over things. >> ow. >> jimmy: i can't control it. >> what? >> jimmy: yeah. but i love it. i love doing it. >> okay. how did we do? everything good? >> jimmy: hey guys, watch this. >> i'm peeipeeing on him. >> tell me the truth, did you feed him water? >> yeah. i shouldn't. >> jimmy: you want to come run around and play in my pee? >> no, that's gross. >> how much did you give him? >> jimmy: a lot. oh -- oh my goodness. i'm starting to spray. hey, guys, come back, let's hang out. >> let me give you a hug for helping my pig.
>> jimmy: that's a good idea. >> tell us about what just happened. >> he peeed on the cowboy. >> who did? >> the pig. whoa. >> oh, my god. he came out of his barn. >> hey, guys. you know i'm in a fake pig mask. >> what? >> jimmy: i'm in a pig mask. >> he was up in the barn? >> thai won't give you water ev again because you will pee. >> jimmy: thanks, guys. we all do, right? we have a good show tonight. kourtney kardashian is here, we have music from the avery, and we'll be right back with mcsteaming eric dane. stick around.
(chuckling): are you sure about this? definitely, it's my treat. alright, alright... i'll just have a little something. whatever you want grandpa, as much as you wt, please. grandpa (chuckling): ok. grandson: ok? vo: olive garden introduces handmade pansottis. our new pyramid raviolis stuffed with italian cheeses. try them with chicken in a portobello alfredo sauce. or with grilled sausage in tomato alfredo. starting at $10.95 with unlimited salad and breadsticks. thank you. where'd you learn to be so generous? i guess it runs in the family. vo: olive garden. when you're here, you're family.
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to the show. joining us tonight, a new mother whose life we watch on video cameras hidden around her home. kourtney kardashian is here. later on tonight, a fine band from new york. this is their new album. the bravery from the bud light golden wheat outdoor stage. "stir the blood." tomorrow night, two music legends, which i think it's fair to say they have varying fan bases, ozzy osbourne and barry manly low will be here. so whether you worship satan or play majong, there will be something for everybody tomorrow night. for five seasons, our first guest has been mcsteaming up tv sets on "grey's anatomy." now, he'll do it for a whole movie theater in the new romantic comedy "valente's day," in theaters february 12th. please say hello to eric dane. [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good, sir. how are you? >> jimmy: i'll well. you're about to become a father. >> i am. the upgrade is coming soon. >> jimmy: how long? >> two weeks, i think, three weeks maybe. >> jimmy: wow. you're really about to become a father. >> we have a nursery. we have everything set up and ready to go. >> jimmy: having a girl? >> yeah. >> jimmy: have you picked a name? >> we did, but rebecca wants to see her before we start calling her it. >> jimmy: i like that, by the way. i did the same thing with my daughter because you can't just -- like, let's say, if you went and bought a puppy and you decided to make it blacky and it came out tan, it would be totally wrong. >> you want to make sure the
name sticks. >> jimmy: right. you will not go with blacky or you will go with blacky? >> blacky didn't make the list. not ing to rule it out. >> jimmy: is the name secret? have you told family members? >> yeah, we have, just to see how they feel about it >> jimmy: they won't tell you the truth. will they tell you the truth? >> everybody likes this name. >> jimmy: they do. have you subjected them to a polygraph test? >> no. >> jimmy: that's the thing. you can't really say if you don't like it. >> that's the deal. you don't want to say because you don't want to be met with adverse reaction, but i think this one is going to fly. >> jimmy: this is going to be all right. is it a normal name or one of the crazy -- >> no, we went straight down the middle. >> jimmy: down the middle? okay. a traditional name. >> fairy. >> jimmy: is it jane dane? did i hit on something or you just think that's ridiculous? >> it's a little of both. >> now after five seasons on "grey's anatomy," you should be
able to deliver this baby yourself, right? it seems simple enough, a cab driver can do it. certainly -- >> i'm going to stay above the line, the equator. >> jimmy: in the delivery room, you mean? >> behind the sheet. >> jimmy: you won't be like -- >> my wife doesn't want me down there. neither does the doctor. >> jimmy: really? i think, again, another good call because you don't know what you're doing down there. >> right. exactly. >> jimmy: and you shouldn't be -- >> i don't really know what i'm doing on the show, either. >> jimmy: that's funny. it would be weird to be in the room with doctors, with doctors, who went to medical school. >> wasted their time with things like that. >> jimmy: yeah, and so they won't pressure you to chop the umbilical cord -- >> i hope not. don't look to me for advice. what do we do, doctor? >> jimmy: you will be in the
room, you will be there, you'll be in scrubs. will you wear your work scrubs or wear the ones provided? >> if i'm at work and i get the call that she's going into labor,ly probably keep the scrubs on, just drop the scalpel, let dempsey save a life. >> jimmy: how will that work if you're in the middle of a scene -- >> i just leave and they cover for me. >> jimmy: how do they do that? >> you put patrick in the scene and nobody misses me. >> jimmy: well, that's not true. what do they do? >> what are they going to do? my wife is giving birth, i have to go, they'll go shoot another scene. >> jimmy: they will work around it. i could stand in for you, you know, if you need -- >> you came by the set. >> jimmy: i will be happy to step in if you need somebody that looks exactly like you. i've been in there. i'll do the whole thing. >> you came by the set when you did that skit with phelps. >> that's right.
he was only two and a half hours late and it was great. >> you wait for phelps. >> jimmy: that's right, you wait. now, as far as this show goes, the last time you were here, your character suffered a very serious injury, you fractured your penis. >> we didn't discuss this in the pre-interview. >> jimmy: fractured penis was the -- >> i was laid up for a couple of days. >> jimmy: how do you treat something like that? is there a sling? >> you don't. you don't. i was told -- i was told not to investigate. but it is true. >> jimmy: is it okay? >> everything is fine. >> jimmy: thank god. i have to tell you something, i was praying for you. >> you asked me to come on show after that. i wasn't up to snuff. >> jimmy: how could i not? he's got a fractured penis. >> sure, bring the freak on the show. >> jimmy: we have to get to the bottom of this. thank you, again, for bringing attention to, you know, a
medical problem that really doesn't get enough attention, the fractured penis. >> yeah. and thank you for bringing it up tonight. >> jimmy: i'm happy to bring it up. i'll bring your penis up any time. [ applause ] i want to ask you about something else, this hope for haiti telethon. you were in the phone bank answering calls, people call up and they get to speak to celebrities. you were there. i want to ask you about this video in particular. >> please call. >> jimmy: there's julia roberts. she's on the phone and you appear to be not answering phones, but rather making conversation with julia roberts. what was happening there? [ applause ] that looked incriminating. that was not good. >> no. i -- she was actually on my
phone. i was on the phone with this woman from georgia and i -- we had been talking for awhile and julia salt down and i said, hey, you want to talk to julia roberts? and she said of course. i handed julia the phone and she was on my phone. >> jimmy: you passed her off? >> two for one. >> jimmy: that's quite a deal. how much did she give? do you write down the credit card information? >> no, they take that information before, we just talk to them. it was -- it was an emotional night. for a lot of reasons, but i had a lot of people calling in saying that their kids basically, the 7-year-old cracked open their piggy bank and gave their last $20 to -- >> jimmy: that's a nice thing. >> to be part of the chair tips that we were supporting. >> jimmy: absolutely. now, this movie that you're in has more celebrities than the haiti phone bank. >> right. i kind of thought if you whereabout in the movie, you have to fire your agent.
>> jimmy: there are a lot of celebrities in it. it's like "love boat" the movie, practicicly. who did you actually work with? because you can't have all intera interacted. >> i worked with jessica biel and queen latifah and jamie foxx, george lopez. >> jimmy: by the way, you know, it's embarrassing to the celebrities that don't get the big woo when you woo after each one -- >> should i go through the list again? >> jimmy: who do you play in this movie? >> i play shawn jackson, who is an aging quarterback in the twilight of his career and figuring out whether he wants to retire or not. it's a new story we haven't heard. >> jimmy: it's brett favre-ish? >> favresque. >> jimmy: favry? we have a clip here.
>> i crash into george lope pez's van. he's delivering flowers and i'm cup use why people would do that on valentine's day. >> jimmy: here's a clip from "valentine's day." >> shawn jackson, now a free agent. maybe he can check out craig's list, see who's hiring. >> oh, man. hey, man, you see this? you did this, man. you're going to pay for this. >> easy, big fella. i know it was my fault. if you just call my business manager, he's got all my information. >> right. and i'd have my business manager call your business manager, okay? shawn jackson? oh, man, my nameck, my back, my chest. just kidding. >> jimmy: "valentine's day." now, eric, i -- this is -- this is a gift that i think your daughter is going to enjoy.
maybe not necessarily right away -- >> you got me a present? >> jimmy: it's not for you, really. it's for the baby. this is for the baby, and, i'm going to bring it up here. >> it looks heavy. i have to carry this back? >> jimmy: you heard of the barbie's dream house? this is the barbie's mcsteam house. it's full of -- this will be great. >> that's -- i don't want my daughter seeing this. >> jimmy: it's full of little daddies in towels. and this is all yours, all right? >> this is karma. >> jimmy: there you go. it was barbie's karma use. eric dane, everybody. we'll be right back with kourtney kardashian. man: out here, it's easy to get lost. but that's why i have a gps, guiding me. so i know i'll end up exactly where i want to be.
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new little kardashians for future genations to enjoy. watch her sunday nights at 10:00 on e! on "keeping up with the kardashians." please welcome kourtney kardashian. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, i can't believe you just had a baby. you look fantastic. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's unbelievable how some people are able to just snap back into their previous shape. and i would -- if i was a woman, that would make me furious. >> really? i actually gained 40 pounds. i've lost 25 so i still have 15 to go. >> jimmy: still have 15. what did the baby weigh? you had a boy? >> yes, he was seven pounds six ounces. >> jimmy: you have to subtract that from the whole number. >> and i feel like there's some other stuff that comes out, too. >> jimmy: a lot of stuff that you should really get rid of. save the baby, get rid of everything else.
>> yes. that's not pretty. >> jimmy: you are the oldest kardashian in the world, right? >> i am. i am. >> jimmyyou are the oldest of the sisters. were you a nice or mean big sister? >> i was definitely a bossy mean older sister. >> jimmy: mean? >> i wasn't mean, kim and i are 18 months apart so we always, you know, did everything together, so she didn't know any different. but like, when we were little, kim and i went to, we would go to palm springs on the weekends, and the cool thing to do was drive the golf cart, because we didn't know how to drive yet. we would drive the golf cart and kim was following, chasing with her friends on roller blades, like, wait for me, i want to go in the golf cart and my friends and i were throwing grape fruits, like, get away. she was like the little sister that, and always, when she was come over, i would end up hanging out with her friends because i was the cool older sister, so kim would get mad, we would lock my door in my room
and be like, kim can't play with us. >> jimmy: you would take her friends and lock her out? >> yes. and when kim would sleep we would pile, like, chairs and every book in the entire house on top of her because she's the soundest sleeper and we thought it was funny. we would look to see what would make her wake up. let's pile everything on the house and see when she'll wake up. >> jimmy: you were the mean older sister then. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: that's pretty -- that's -- >> but she loves me today. >> jimmy: well, yeah, i mean, you know, you're lucky that she does after the grape fruits bounced off her head. now your family, it is an interesting thing. your mom married an olympic gold medalist. your sister married one of the lakers, lamar odom. your other sister is dating reggie bush from the new orleans saints. >> super bowl boy. >> jimmy: your boyfriend is -- you're the only one not with a
professional athlete. >> yes. you're right. that's -- and that's why i swear, do you watch our show, like, how he's treated? >> jimmy: no one likes him. >> but i have to say, my mom is so much nicer to him since mason was born, and so much nicer to me. when i'm on the phone, she's like, sweetie, oh my gosh. >> jimmy: you have leverage now. you have the prize. and she can't get to that baby without your permission. >> and without scott. >> jimmy: you can start throwing grape fruits at her now. >> good idea. i'm going to do that. >> jimmy: you forget scott, though, because you really have the pow eer over the baby. as the mother, you have to do something totally weird to lose that power. you know what i'm saying. >> and i'm not doing it. >> jimmy: you shouldn't. if you did, it would be good for ratings, probably. you don't want to do anything too weird. what's going on with that?
why don't they like your boyfriend? >> it's almost like a sick joke now, like, he can't tie his shoes the right way. whatever he does -- >> jimmy: can you teach him? i swear, since, you know, everything since mason, like, everything's been great and everyone has been getting along, but there's -- it's still, like, our sick joke, ling, no matter what he does, like, they pick on. >> jimmy: they pick on him. well, he seems to lay around the house a lot. >> yes. but as you will see, that has changed. >> jimmy: that has changed? >> episode nine. >> jimmy: oh, really? wait until episode nine, i'll, i'm going to get up off of this chair. >> and start doing something. [ applause ] >> jimmy: the reason i'm interested in it is because -- this goes on in every family, obviously, but to have it on television. you seem to handle it -- you are very casual about it. you're like okay with it. >> i know that we're good, you know, and we have our little family now and we have our thing
going on so i'm like -- if people don't like it, if kim or my mom don't like it, don't come over. >> jimmy: we were talking about it in the office and erin had a very strong reaction. she's not a fan of your boyfriend. >> okay. >> jimmy: what did you say? >>his is not nice. >> jimmy: what was it that you said. you can't remember. >> i think i said he was super b douchey. >> that's the word people use. he's backstage if you want to talk to him. >> jimmy: oh. >> you know, we worked it out. plus, it is a tv show. they only show the bad sides of him. he's the bad guy. >> jimmy: what does he do for a living? >> he actually works for this company that does quick trim that kim and khloe used to lose
weight. >> jimmy: he works for a weight loss company? >> no, they manufacture tons of products. >> jimmy: he makes drugs? >> yes. exactly. >> jimmy: i see. and then, in the spare time he fights crime as super douche. >> he does, he does. >> jimmy: well, i hope that works out. that's no fun. i mean, really, though it does make the show for interesting, definitely. >> you need a bad guy. oh, my gosh, the khloe and lamar pumpkin. >> jimmy: yes. they got married so quickly, i wanted to know, which is going to last longer, their marriage or their pumpkin? >> can i steal it? >> jimmy: don't steal it. leave it there. to be honest, we have you and scott on a grape back stage. so -- you might want to take that instead. i -- congratulations on the baby and i hope everyone is able to come together peacefully in the family.ourtney kardashian, ever.
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♪ ♪ if i put my hands around your wrists would you fight them ♪ ♪ if i put my fingers in your mouth would you bite them ♪ ♪ there's so many things that i would do if i had my way with you ♪ ♪ i can keep secrets and i know how you want me you can tear your nails into my skin ♪ ♪ you won't stop me you can twist and scream into the air but no one can hear ♪ ♪ you here and there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ i will show no mercy for you you have no mercy for me the only thing ♪
♪ that i ask love me mercilessly ♪ ♪ all your shining friends that despise you to your face what would they say now ♪ ♪ if they saw you in this place naked and breathless could you live with ♪ ♪ this disgrace could you live could you live could you live with this ♪ ♪ and there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ i will show no mercy for you you have no mercy for me the only thing ♪ ♪ that i ask love me mercilessly ♪ ♪
♪ if i put my hands around your wrists would you fight them if i put my fingers ♪ ♪ in your mouth would you bite them there's so many things that i would do ♪ ♪ if i had my way with you and there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ there will be no tenderness no tenderness ♪ ♪ i will sh no mercy for you you have no mercy for me the only thing ♪ ♪ that i ask love me mercilessly ♪ ♪ love me mercilessly breathe right, the small strip that gives you...
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