tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC July 15, 2013 11:35pm-12:35am EDT
>> jimmy: thank you very much, i'm jimmy, the host of the show. thank you for watching. i want to extend a special welcome for those of you visiting for the holiday. are you ready for july 4th? the fourth of july jp [ cheers and applause ] it's okay if you weren't. this year the fourth of july lands on july 4th, which is exciting. i love the fourth of july, it is probably my favorite holiday. i mean, name one other holiday where we celebrate by setting off a roman candle in our cousin's face. there's not one. one of my favorite things about the fourth of july is the fireworks safety videos that come out on the local news around this time. they make these videos i guess to scare kids and parents so they won't blow anything off. i don't know. this one i found today. it's from the national fire protection association. and i'm not sure how effective it is. take a look. >> this demonstration shows one youngster holding an m-class explosive. the second child igniting it.
the next demonstration involves aerial fireworks. once lit, there is no way of stopping these until every last aerial has exploded. this next demonstration will show how much energy there is in one box of sparklers. >> jimmy: all that makes you want to do is blow up dummies. if your children are made of styrofoam, be very careful. please, remember to practice fireworks safety on independence day. and if you don't, please make sure to tape it and put it on youtube immediately. it's estimated that 150 million hot dogs will be consumed on the fourth of july. 100 million at parties and outdoor barbecues. and another 50 million eaten right out of the package by a depressed paula deen. it's true. while 150 million sounds like a lot, that number's actually lower than qulaefrt. last year. that number dropped 3% from last year, expected to drop again.
according to the national hot dog and sausage council, the slump in sales is due to the increase in raw material costs. i don't know, maybe hot dog sales are declining because the people who regularly eat them die. i'm not sure. either way i'm just excited to know there's a national hot dog and sausage council. that's a council i would like to be a part of. now that summer's here interior a lot of tourists roaming around hollywood boulevard. people come from all over the world to visit hollywood, which makes it's perfect time to play one of our favorite games, called "foreigner or not." now, what we've done is positioned my cousin sal out in the sweltering heat. how's it going ut there, sal? >> it's a sweltering 75 degrees. i don't know how i'm keeping it together. >> jimmy: that's good. all right. here's how the game will work. we'll slide a pedestrian next to cousin sal. they'll be quiet. i don't want to hear their accent. i will examine them carefully and i will guess based solely on appearance whether that person is a foreigner or not. okay?
let's meet our first pedestrian. hi. what's your name? she knows not to talk. all right. now i'm going to try to determine whether you are a foreigner or not. okay? all right, now we know she speaks english. we narrowed it down. all right, she is not so bright. so i'm going to say an american. are you -- where are you from? oh. what is that flag? >> yeah, exactly. from iran. >> jimmy: oh, you're from iran. oh, but you speak english. >> of course. >> jimmy: then i'm the dummy, then. >> she is from iran, you want to take back those things you said about her? >> jimmy: we have something special for you, and it is a pie. yes, enjoy an american pie. [ cheers and applause ] i still don't believe it.
all right, well, let's see who else we have out there. we've got -- all right, another young lady. >> hubba bubba. >> jimmy: sal, she's so much taller than you are. >> no. they're on a thing here. >> jimmy: oh. all right. we got the -- the daisy duke-style shorts. oh, the navel -- that is -- i mean, she may not be from this planet. all right. and okay. let's see, she is kind of laughing. she speaks english. but i'm going to say foreigner. and i'm wrong. where are you from? >> michigan. >> jimmy: oh. yeah, that is in america. all right, well, there you go. that's a pie for your troubles. thank you for stopping by. all right. we'll come back to sal. we'll check back in with you, sal. here's an interesting lawsuit. are you familiar with the
musicians will.i.am and pharrell williams? they're in a legal battle right now over the phrase i am. pharrell created a website called i am other which apparently upset will.i.am because he has a copyright on the phrase "i am." can you imagine? how can you copyright "i am"? and isn't that a dog food anyway? pharrell's countersuit asked the court to route that i am other does not dilute, or unfairly compete with i am. kind of a nutty lawsuit. don't those words belong to -- let me tell you something. that affects everyone except the cookie monster. you know who this affects more than anyone? i'll tell you. neil diamond. that's who enz "i am." when we start trampling on neil diamond territory, that's where i draw the line. the sweet caroline. that's right. thank you.
hey, in naperville, illinois police are on the lookout for someone who's been covering the city with "the simpsons" themed graffiti. there's a mystery artist who's been painting images like these on buildings, electric boxes and dumpsters. and you don't want to compromise the aesthetic beauty of electric boxes and dumpsters. i like it. but if they catch this guy they have to force him to write "i will not deface public property" on the chalkboard, right? 1,000 times. i mean, they have to. [ applause ] researchers at the center for tobacco control at scotland university at sterling are work on a weird new invention. talking packs of cigarettes, these are cigarette packs that warn smokers verbally about the side effects of tobacco. which i don't know, that seems like a terrible -- that might actually make me start smoking. get a little lonely. i'll tell you right now first, want to hear from a talking cigarette, i'll call the tanning mom. thank you very much. [ applause ]
here's another interesting technological advancement. microsoft is testing a smartphone that can sense your mood. it uses a technology they call moodscope to detect your emotions and share them on social media sites. i don't need a phone that can -- i have a fiancee that can sense my mood. while this is an interesting idea, i think they'll probably want to disable the speakerphone function. ♪ >> kevin is nervous. kevin is sweaty. kevin is horny. kevin is extremely sweaty. kevin has nervous gas. kevin is totally blowing this. >> wait, no, i -- >> kevin is pathetic. >> the new moodscope app. good luck with that. >> kevin is a little bitch. >> jimmy: oh, poor kevin. [ cheers and applause ]
hey, let's go back outside to my cousin sal. all right, i'm 0 for 2 so far. >> jimmy, i brought in will.i.am to defend himself. >> jimmy: will, what do you have to say about this lawsuit? anything? okay. again, we know he speaks english. he is wearing red, white and blue. he has red sneakers on. and yet i feel like -- are those black socks? or blue socks? americans don't wear black socks with shorts. >> they're sort of brownish. it's hard to tell. >> jimmy: okay. i'm going to say foreigner. >> oh, show him, will, what do you got? >> jimmy: i'm terrible at this. where are you from? >> richmond, virginia. >> jimmy: yeah. that again is in america. what do you do for a living there in richmond? >> i'm a photographer and graphic designer. >> jimmy: oh, really?
and why are you wearing that? >> just decided to. >> jimmy: just being patriotic? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i can't imagine what you'll wear on thursday. all right, here's a pie from cousin sal. enjoy. let's do one more, shall we? one more. let's do one more and see if i can get one right. oh, boy. okay. now, there's a patch on the shorts right off the bat. what's that? can we zoom in on that? okay. that -- is that a wallet? >> no. it's a patch. >> it's a patch. okay, that makes me think non-american. we don't have that kind of thing. i am going to guess, although you're plenty hairy enough to be an american, i'm going to say foreigner. >> what do you got? oh, that's a foreign -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: where are you from? >> from dublin in ireland. >> jimmy: i'm sorry? >> from dublin in ireland. >> jimmy: you're from dublin in ireland. well, welcome to the united states of america. how do you like it so far?
>> it's good. it's hot. >> jimmy: have you had one of our pies yet? >> no, not yet. >> jimmy: well, you're going to love it. it hasn't been refrigerated for a whole day. well, thank you very much. thank you, cousin sal. we had some fun guests for you tonight. our musical guest tonight is ciara. from the movie "the lone ranger" armie hammer is here. adam carolla is with us. and when we come back, we'll honor america. we're going to talk presidents with a 5-year-old genius. his name is arden hayes. he'll be a lot of fun. stick around, you might learn something. [ cheers and applause ] [ karen ] did you lock the front door? [ john ] nope. [ tires squeal ] twelve bucks a night! no. they have waterbeds. ew. no!
are we near a gas station? [ phone beeps] [ phone ] no. is that from the mini bar? [ both ] no. is that a cop? no. [ cop ] do you know how fast you were going? no. eighty-seven [ groans ] he's right. is that oscar mayer? [ karen] yes! [ male announcer ] in a world filled with "no", it's nice to finally say "yes". oscar mayer selects deli meat, no artificial preservatives and gluten free. it's yes food. it's oscar mayer. [ mom ] for big girl jobs there's bounty select-a-size. it's the smaller powerful sheet. one select-a-size sheet of bounty is 50% more absorbent than a full size sheet of the leading ordinary brand. use less with bounty select-a-size. taste so great? it's made from real fruit flavors and sweetened with honey. lipton tea & honey. real ingredients just taste great. feel the delicious taste of lipton tea & honey. real ingredients just taste great. hey guys. oh, hey. aiden was just showing me around the grounds.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, welcome back, armie hammer, adam carolla, and music from ciara are coming up. despite the fact that our next guest is 13 years too young to vote for one, he knows a lot about the presidents of the united states. please welcome 5-year-old wiz kid arden hayes. arden! [ cheers and applause ] what's happening? how are you doing, arden? >> good. >> jimmy: good to see you. are you excited to be here? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you know a lot about the presidents, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: are you a genius? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long have you been a genius? >> since i was like 2. >> jimmy: since you were like 2. you do know a lot of stuff. are you interested in vice presidents too or is it just presidents? >> both. >> jimmy: both. vice presidents and presidents. do you know who our vice president is right now? >> joe biden. >> jimmy: that's right. joe biden. now, can you recognize presidents when you see their faces? >> yeah.
>> jimmy: okay, we'll put some presidents on the screen here and you tell us who they are. okay? who's that guy? >> richard m. nixon. >> jimmy: richard m. nixon. do you know what the m stands for? >> milhouse. >> jimmy: that is right. yes. i only know that from "the simpsons." let's see what else. who's that guy? >> chester a. arthur. >> jimmy: chester a. arthur. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i didn't know that one. who else do we have here? who's that guy? >> warren g. harding. >> jimmy: now, he looks mean. was he mean? >> he was one of our worst presidents. >> jimmy: he was one of the worst. why was he one of the worst presidents? >> because he gambled away the white house to china. >> jimmy: he did? he gambled it away? >> yeah. >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. that's interesting. who else do we have up here? >> that's not a president. >> jimmy: that's not a
president? how do you know? i thought that was president george jefferson. >> that's george washington carver. but he's not a president. >> jimmy: oh, that's george washington carver? that's a pretty good guess. >> yeah. but maybe you're thinking of george washington. >> jimmy: that is probably what i was thinking. are you smarter than your teachers at school? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you are? >> i just finished school. >> jimmy: oh, you did? you just finished school. you graduated college? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what do you want to be when you grow up? >> a president. >> jimmy: you want to be a president. and then you can learn things about yourself, right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: why are there no women presidents? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know. do you think there will be a woman president? >> yeah. >> jimmy: eventually? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. who is your least favorite president? >> i don't have one. >> jimmy: you don't have one? who was the fattest president, do you know that? >> william howard taft. >> jimmy: we have some questions from the audience now. i want to just reassure the viewers that arden does not know
what the questions are going to be. so he's not been prepared for this. but we have -- okay, what is your name? >> lou. >> jimmy: lou, do you have a question for arden about the presidents? >> i do. who was the first president to have a bowling alley installed in the white house? >> richard m. nixon. >> jimmy: richard m. nixon? is that right? >> yeah. >> no. >> jimmy: it's not right? who was it? >> harry truman did it first in 1947. then it was move and richard nixon installed one later. >> don't worry, we're going to take him out in the alley and have him beaten. >> yeah! [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm going with arden. all right. what's your question? >> who is the only president born on the 4th of july? >> jimmy: oh, that's a good question. >> calvin coolidge. >> jimmy: what did you say? >> calvin coolidge. >> jimmy: is that right? >> yes, it is. >> jimmy: there you go. nicely done. yes. >> which president was the first to appear on tv? >> jimmy: ooh, on tv.
>> fdr. >> jimmy: fdr? >> yes, that's right. [ applause ] >> jimmy: very, very good. this week is the 150th anniversary of the gettysburg address. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i know you know the gettysburg address. would you tliek recite that for us? >> yeah. >> jimmy: okay. go ahead. oh, he's going to stand. okay. i like that. >> four score and seven years ago our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. now we are engaged in a great civil war. a nation or any nation -- tell me when to stop. >> jimmy: just keep going. [ applause ] >> okay. i think -- it's too long. >> jimmy: it's too long? okay. maybe you'll be a tv producer when you grow up. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i feel like i'm in a peanuts cartoon right now. well, that was very good. you know, we actually have a gift for arden. what is our gift? guillermo has a special gift for you, arden. it is a lego build your own
white house set. >> cool! >> jimmy: all right? thank you very much. very well done. very nice to meet you. you have my vote. arden hayes, everyone. we'll be right back with armie hammer. [ cheers and applause ] this summer... you're gonna need this. thrilling adventure heroic performance the ford summer spectacular sales event featuring blockbuster deals he's the best chance we've got. now during the ford summer spectacular, get a blockbuster deal... with $1000 matching down bonus cash. now playing at a ford dealer near you.
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for that just-brushed clean feeling... "thehe democratic party of virginia sponsored this ad." when congress failed to renew the violence against women act, republican and democratic atrneys general from 47 states spoke out to protect women. but ken cuccinelli refused. the roanoke times wrote, "virginians should remember cuccinelli's cowardly inaction as he seeks to become the next governor." "one either stands for tougher punishments for sexual assaults against women or not." ken cuccinelli. he's focused on his own agenda. not us.
>> jimmy: welcome back, tonight on the program, you can see him live at caroline's comedy club in new york city july 18th through 20th and august 3rd at the willtern theater here in l.a. our dear friend adam carolla is with us. ed [ cheers and applause ] and then, her r self-titled alb comes t one week from today. ciara from the sony outdoor stage. [ cheers and applause ] we've got something for everyone tomorrow night. michael c. hall will be here, from "dexter." miranda cosgrove will be with us and we'll have music from zz ward. our first guest tonight is a very talented actor who during his relatively short career so far has co-starred alongside luminaries like leo dicaprio, julia roberts, and even himself. you can see him next saddling up
with johnny depp and a dead crow in the new comedy adventure, "the lone ranger." >> thank you. >> do-si-do. >> why don't you put that thing down so we can settle this like men? >> i warn you. i boxed in law school. oh! >> jimmy: "the lone ranger" opens in theaters tomorrow. please welcome armie hammer. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] how's everything? >> everything is good. >> jimmy: hey, were you a child genius? you seem like you might have been a child genius. >> totally.
absolutely. >> jimmy: you were? >> no. i just didn't give a damn about school. >> jimmy: oh, you didn't. were you a good student? >> well, i grew up on an island, and it was like -- >> jimmy: what island did you grow up on? >> cayman islands. >> jimmy: oh. people live there? . >> they do. it's not just money. people reside there. very few of us. >> jimmy: and it is a very relaxed environment? as far as school goes. >> it is very relaxed. like you get out at lunch sometimes, like nobody was wearing shoes. if it rained a lot during school, all the kids would leave and go collect all the crabs that would come out of the ocean and, you know, write sharpie numbers on their backs and erase them during school. it was just like -- it's a very -- >> jimmy: so instead of learning to read you got crabs in school? >> yes. me learned good in school. yeah. >> jimmy: how did you wind up there? is there some weird tax shelter or something you went to? >> yeah. i had a lot of money at 7 and i was like i've got to put this somewhere where they're not watching. in reality, my dad saw a movie
called "the firm" with tom cruise and thought oh, my god, that place looks like it's paradise, what a perfect place, i'm going to go down there and visit. he went down there to visit and called us a couple days ago, you've got to come down here. my mom was like what's wrong? he said this place is paradise, i bought an apartment! we sold everything in l.a., my mom, my brother and i -- and -- no, we were in texas. we sold everything and flew down there pretty much sight unseen. >> jimmy: wow, was your dad impulsive? >> pretty much. >> jimmy: and what did he do there? what was his job in the cayman islands? >> he raced cars. he started a radio station. >> jimmy: he screwed around? >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. i mean, it's a tropical paradise. there's not much to do. >> jimmy: was it your great grandfather that was the famous guy that invented the hammer? >> yes. yes, that's right. god, i love those royalty checks. yeah. >> jimmy: he was your great-grandfather. do you -- was he alive? did you ever meet him? do you remember him? >> he was a very eccentric kind
of fellow. i met him and you know, he'd already kind of had all his success and started kind of the oil company and all that stuff. but yeah, he was a really colorful character. >> jimmy: in what ways was he colorful? >> my memories of him are very different than sort of everybody else's perception. >> jimmy: well, sure. >> i remember -- the clearest thing i remember is him smiling, his laugh. that's one of the clearest memories i have. i also remember him coming over to the house with an inflatable pool wrapped around his car inflated so it looked like a hot dog. and he had batman rings on all of his fingers. and he was waving at us out the window like very excited. because he would come over every sunday for lunch my mom would cook. yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: batman wears jewelry? i didn't even know that. >> yeah, yeah, yeah. and he had -- he had a penchant for kfc. you know, just -- >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. a really colorful character. >> jimmy: i can't imagine anything better than my grandfather showing one batman rings and driving a hot dog basically. >> yeah. yeah, yeah. yeah. >> jimmy: that's pretty great. speaking of interesting people,
johnny depp is your co-star in this movie, "the lone ranger." he's your -- he kissed me last night. >> i saw that. yeah. >> jimmy: we should break the circle right now. >> is that why you had all the altoids in the back by the door? >> jimmy: just in case. oh, yeah. that was it from last night. did he kiss you on the set of the film? because you are much more attractive than i am. >> i guess that is just the customary greeting. you know? i don't think anybody was safe from the smooches. >> jimmy: did you guys have fun together? >> yeah, we did. >> jimmy: it seems like -- that movie to me, and it's a fun movie to watch, but it seems like you're out in the middle of the desert and either you guys had a great time or you had a terrible time making it. >> you know, if we wouldn't have had the crew and we wouldn't have had all the people working on it -- >> jimmy: you would have been stranded in the desert. >> we would have been sequestered in hell. there were times we were shooting where we'd be four, five, six hours from the nearest hotel. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> eight hours from the nearest airport. and this is in the southwest, in america.
where you think i can drive almost all the way across arizona in eight hours. yeah, yeah, that's how far it is to the nearest town. >> jimmy: is it my imagination or have you been in a lot of movies in a short period of time? it seems like after "the social network" there were two of you in that to start off with. and you did a lot of stuff. are you taking a break at any point from this? >> i'm trying. like i've got such wonderful break plans -- >> jimmy: what would you like to do if you have time to do it? >> if i have two months -- i feel like i've been talking about this forever. if i get two months where i don't have to do anything i'm going to cross the entire country on my vespa. >> jimmy: on your vespa? >> yeah. and there's a group of us that -- >> jimmy: how long will it take? >> probably two months. a monday and a half to two months. and it's -- i mean, we have everything planned. we've got -- >> jimmy: who is in the group? >> okay, it is myself, my buddy ashton, his brother tyler, who introduced me to my wife. our buddy dewitt. you know, just a very eclectic -- >> jimmy: what's dewitt's story?
why is he dewitt? is that his first nate? >> that is his first name. dewitt is just dewitt. he has a redneck name. he's a redneck. >> jimmy: redneck on a vespa. >> totally. we need him. because we're just going to get picked on. >> jimmy: yeah, you are. it's like you want to be made fun of all across the land. >> this is also the thing. we are only allowed to take what we can carry on the vespas. we're only allowed to sleep indoors if someone invites us to stay in their house. otherwise we sleep outside. and if something breaks you have to fix it yourself. >> jimmy: whose rules are these? >> mine. everybody hates them. >> jimmy: yeah, they're going to kill. >> we drove past a hotel about an hour ago on this dirt road. >> jimmy: are you allowed to get gas or do you have to push your vespa? >> yeah. >> jimmy: how far lu take this? are you allowed to eat in restaurants? >> we have to eat the vespas as we go. there will be times at one point we have plans to ride through at patchee indian reservation, the american indian reservation there. and it's a plan we see about 150 miles all on dirt roads with no
gas stations. >> michael: imagine that. they're going to say oh, the lone ranger is riding through and he's on a vespa for some reason. >> i thought silver would be a little more intimidating. i'll be honest. >> jimmy: hi-ho scooter. well, it's great to see you. thank you for coming. the movie is great. it's called "the lone ranger." you can see it in the movies starting tomorrow. armie hammer, everybody. we'll be right back with adam carolla. ♪
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>> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel with a word about the new sony vaio pro. powered by intel's lightning fast processor, it offers long battery life. this amazing new ultra book is the world's lightest. o'look how light it is. making it the perfect choice for all college students. even these guys. >> what's up, dude? >> what's up, dude? >> i'm so excited to use my new laptop. >> can i see it? >> dude, look, it's a new sony vaio pro. >> oh, looks good. >> this is great. dude, look. ♪ >> ooh. >> dude. >> check this out, dude. >> oh. dude, i got my laptop, too. i make it by myself. >> let's see it. >> okay.
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how are you doing, adam? >> yeah, it's hot out there. >> jimmy: yeah, i noticed the neck towel. it's weird. the neck towel always seems to be with you, no matter where you go. >> it's my thing, man. >> jimmy: it's your thing, huh? >> like james brown had a cape, right? >> jimmy: yeah. >> it's a white guy's cape. >> jimmy: how are you doing, man? how has your summer been so far? >> it's oppressive. it's brutal. you live up in the hills somewhere with the air-conditioning. i'm in the valley. i'm being pummeled by heat. >> jimmy: you do get hot. >> i do. i run hot. and my master bedroom just has one charactering duct. just one. it's on the floor. it's the coolest place in the house and we turn it on all night. but guess who blocks the air-conditioning vent. my dog, molly.
don't you just wish we could do what pets do when it gets hot? just go f it, i'm getting nude, i'll find some towel, man. you'll know. you don't need a thermometer at my house. you'll see my dog. when my dog is splayed out like he's doing, you know, porn, it's hot. so what my dog does, she pushes herself against the vent, sucks in every ounce of cold air and just lets out warm gas. i literally have to turn the air off, it's getting too hot in the room. it's the world's worst filter. takes in cool, fresh air, makes it stinky hot air. and i sweat all night. >> jimmy: what are you doing for the fourth of july? what is your plan? >> i'm going to get drunk. >> jimmy: that goes without saying. >> other than that. i'm going to play with fireworks. >> jimmy: will you? >> yes. and i do it in a safe way. here's the thing with the fireworks. and fireworks aren't dangerous, but they get dangerous. because they start off like this. you guys have all done this
where you go all right, i've got a firecracker. you guys, get behind those logs and put your leathers on. i'm going to get this mop handle, light it from a safe distance. then i'm going to do a shoulder roll and join you in hitler's bunker, watch this thing go off. smash cut to 20 minutes later, hold my beer, dude. i'm going to light this m-80 with my joint. it's definitely going to f up some seagulls. but i've got to let the fuse burn down before i chuck it at the seagulls. that's where you lose the hand. major announcement to make here >> jimmy: i know you have a major announcement to make here tonight. perhaps the biggest announcement of your career. yes? >> yes. >> jimmy: and that announcement is? >> i'm doing my second independent film. >> jimmy: you're going to do your second independent film. >> my second. >> jimmy: very successful the first one. >> wildly well received. >> jimmy: financially a disaster. >> a complete disaster. >> jimmy: but critically very successful. "sports illustrated" called it's best sports movie of the year,
right? >> they did. >> jimmy: and you have an interesting plan for this? >> i went to the fund anything guys. it's a crowd funding source. you go online. it's the new thing where you get the folks to pay. why should you pay for your own car when someone else can pay for it and then you can drive and every once in a while they chip in for gas? but you need to make a video to show what your movie's about, who's going to be in your movie and that kind of thing. so i made a video with a pretty big celebrity that's going to be in the movie and i thought -- i brought it here tonight. >> jimmy: let's take a look. this is you. we can't show the whole thing, obviously, but let's take a look. >> hey, it is adam carolla, and ever since sports illustrated called my last movie, "the hammer" the best sports comedy of 2008, people have been asking, when are you going to make another movie? well, i have it. >> long overdue. >> it's called "road hard." and with the generosity and help of people like you and of course an assist from mr. bryan cranston, i know it's going to be a huge success. >> hey, i'm flattered that i'm
even involved in a small part. >> you're flattered? i'm co-starring in a movie with bryan cranston. >> yeah. >> jimmy: hold on a second. >> he's a dear friend. he's a great actor. obviously "breaking bad" so successful -- >> jimmy: i watched the whole video. i didn't realize that he was co-starring. >> he will definitely be a part of this project, jimmy. >> jimmy: is he co-starring? >> he's in this project. >> jimmy: do we have the rest of the -- >> he's definitely a big part. we don't need to see the rest of the thing. why bore the people with the details? >> i would rather play the gay pimp in "deuce bigelow: pakistani gigolo." if i had to give my agents a choice of doing an adam carolla film or doing a snuff film, they would have to discuss it. if they were remaking "deliverance," i could sign on to the ned beatty part before i would do this role. i would take it in the [ bleep ] before i would do this.
oh, come on. you've got to see the absurdity in what you asked me, right? >> no, i thought -- it was a long shot. and then you said i would love to be a part. >> oh, my god, that is funny. you've got to write that into your movie. >> you not being in the movie? >> no. where you ask someone so ridiculous that it's funny to the audience and then your character's like, what? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: okay, so brian cranston will not be in the film, but you'll be in it. that's good. >> i feel like he was waffling. >> jimmy: no, i don't think he was. how much money are you looking for? >> $1 million. >> jimmy: and people go where to get this? >> they go to fundanything.com/adamcarolla. >> jimmy: and they will pay for your movie, and then they will also then have to pay to see your movie again. >> oh, no, no. they chip in, they get a dvd. they get a t-shirt. they get the script. they get all sorts of -- it keeps going up. like if you want to pay enough, you can have sex with me.
actually, that's coming from me. i've got to pay you. but like we can put your name in the movie. you can be in the movie. like it's insane. >> jimmy: how close to your goal are you? did you just do this or what? >> this is it. we're premiering it tonight. >> jimmy: all right. good. >> what do you think i'm going to do? >> jimmy: i don't know. >> go to other late-night shows? >> jimmy: i don't know what you're up to. >> please, jimmy, i'll tell you what i'm up to. >> jimmy: what are you up to? >> now, listen, i saw you making out with scarf boy last night. by the way, you just yank the scarf real hard he'd just spin around and there would just be glasses and a hat there, some mascara. there's no actual johnny depp there. you know, i've been thinking about it. you're make out with johnny depp. this whole prop 8 thing has been kicked to the curb now. we're free to express ourselves in a way we couldn't in the past, jimmy. let's be honest. you know, you're single. i can get divorced. i'm just saying now -- well, they do it in hollywood all the time. it's like they make fun of you
if you're not divorced. you know what it is. the point is i got a ring. [ cheers and applause ] where's my camera? jimmy, whatever your middle name is, kimmel, would you marry me and make me the happiest man on planet earth? >> jimmy: i mean, this is really -- this is very, very sweet, adam. don't think i don't appreciate it. >> it's just we love spending time together and ever since they moved you to 11:35 i figured, you know -- >> jimmy: yeah. you know, it's -- the problem is i'm already engaged. >> who? what's his name? i'll take him apart. >> jimmy: no. it's -- molly. it's not your dog. >> molly? the skinny blond bitch? i thought that was your pilates instructor. >> jimmy: no, no. >> you've got to be -- >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i didn't know you were going to do this.
>> okay. [ cheers and applause ] could you -- hold on. you're not reading what's on my face. what, did you not see the social cues that were going on here? this is obviously not the time to drop the [ bleep ] balloons. >> jimmy: this is so embarrassing. adam carolla, everyone. oh, adam -- see him performing live july 18th through 20th at caroline's in new york. august 3rd at the wiltern here in l.a. we'll be right back with music from ciara. [ cheers and applause ]
"the democratic party of virginia sponsored this ad." when congress failed to renew the violence against women act, republan and democratic attorneys general from 47 states spoke out to protect women. but ken cuccinelli refused. the roanoke times wrote, "virginians should remember cuccinelli's cowardly inaction as he seeks to become the next governor." "one either stands for tougher punishments for sexual assaults against women or not." ken cuccinelli. he's focused on his own agenda. not us. .
♪ >> everybody having a good time tonight? my body's your party tonight, baby. ♪ just me and you. ♪ my body is your party baby nobody's invited but you baby ♪ ♪ me and you alone ♪ tell me what you want ♪ baby put your phone down you should turn it off ♪ ♪ 'cause tonight it's going down tell your boys it's going down ♪ ♪ we in the zone now don't stop ooh ♪ ♪ you can't keep your hands off me ♪ ♪ touch me right there, rock my body ♪
♪ i can't keep my hands off you your body is my party ♪ ♪ i'm doing this little dance for you ♪ ♪ you got me so excited ♪ now it's just me and you ♪ your body's my party let's get it started ♪ ♪ boy you should know that your love is always on my mind ♪ ♪ i'm not gonna fight it ♪ i want it all the time ♪ boy you should know that your love is always on my mind ♪ ♪ and i can't deny it i'm on you i'm on you ♪ ♪ i can't lie i won't lie it's
amazing ♪ ♪ my faces the places you're taking me ♪ ♪ baby take your time now there's no need to rush we can go another round if that's what you want ♪ ♪ 'cause tonight it's going down yeah you know it's going down ♪ ♪ we in the zone now don't stop ♪ ♪ you can't keep your hands off me touch me right there rock my body ♪ ♪ i can't keep my hands off you your body is my party ♪ ♪ i'm doing this little dance for you you got me so excited now it's just me on you ♪ ♪ your body's my party let's get it started ♪ ♪oy
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