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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 27, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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all right, we've reached the halfway point of the show. now this is my favorite part of the night is here. a chance here to present our final oscar on the anniversary of the great "bonnie and clyde" please welcome warn beatty and faye dunaway -- [ laughter ] >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- academy award winner mahershala ali, comedian mike birbiglia, from "the bachelor," corrine, and guillermo on the oscars red carpet. and "mean tweets robert de niro edition." and now, right back at it, here's jimmy kimmel!
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. welcome. thanks, it's embarrassing. hi, everyone. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you, thank you. thank you for watching. thanks for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i don't know if you know this, i hosted the oscars last night. [ cheers and applause ] i'll admit i was fishing. what a weird thing though. have any of you ever hosted the oscars before? well, let me tell you about it. except for the end, it was a lot of fun. [ laughter ] went very well. we were chugging along. then all of a sudden out of nowhere, it turned into one of those maury povich paternity test shows. [ laughter ] it was the weirdest tv finale since "lost."
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as i'm sure you've heard, "la la land" was simultaneously somehow the biggest winner and loser last night. you know it's a strange night when the word "envelope" is trending on twitter. in case you missed it, warn beatty and faye dunaway, the 50th anniversary of "bonnie and clyde," the academy asked them to present best picture, biggest award of the night, the last one they give out. so warren and faye come out with the envelope. and, well, here's where the story starts. >> and the academy award -- for best picture -- >> you're awful. come on. >> "la la land." >> jimmy: in retrospect what we know is warren was confused so he handed it to faye and let her read it. [ laughter ] in other words, clyde threw bonnie under the bus. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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slick move. very slick move. so faye dunaway announce s "la a land" as best picture, it was the favorite to win, "la la land" producers got on stage, which made sense. a few of them gave speeches. and i'm now sitting in the audience watching these speeches. the plan is for me to end the show from the audience in a seat next to matt damon, who i want you to make no mistake, whatever confusion about who won, matt damon lost. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he is a loser. but we're sitting there. and we notice some commotion going on. and matt says, i think i heard the stage manager say they got the winner wrong. the stage manager's on the stage -- the stage manager's never on camera, it's very unusual. we're sitting there. you figure, well, you know. the host will go on stage and clear this up. then i remember, oh, i'm the host. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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so i go, all right. well, i just walk up the stairs. and as soon as i get up there, this happens. >> guys, guys, i'm sorry, no. there's a mistake. "moonlight," you guys won best picture. "moonlight" won. this is not a joke. this is not a joke, i'm afraid they read the wrong thing. this is not a joke. "moonlight" has won best picture. "moonlight," best picture. >> jimmy: kind of scary in a way. that was the producer of "la la land" who thought he won, standing there holding an oscar they're going to take away from him. my first instinct was to tell him to run. [ laughter ] take the oscar and get out. but he didn't. now there's mass confusion. the audience is confused. the people standing around me are confused. i assume everyone at home is confused. and i'm probably suppose
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because no one's doing anything. and then warren beatty steps up to explain. >> hello. i want -- >> warren, what did you do? >> i want to tell you what happened. i opened the envelope. and it said, "emma stone, la la land." that's why i took such a long look at faye. and at you. i wasn't trying to be funny. >> jimmy: well, you were funny. >> thank you very much, thank you very much. >> jimmy: wow. >> this is "moonlight," the best picture. >> jimmy: yeah, well, there you go. "moonlight" was the best picture. now so we have the producers of two movies on stage. who the hell even knows who is who from which movie? i'm standing there like an idiot, feeling bad for these guys, also trying really hard not to laugh to be honest. [ laughter ] and i see,
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washington in the front row trying to get my attention. he's gesturing, he's pointing. i don't know what he's pointing. he yells "barry!" what? barry! i figure out buriy r berry jenk director of "moonlight," is standing behind me, denzel wants him at the microphone to make a speech, which makes sense. thank god denzel was there to make sense. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i'm listening to denzel, as i should. i got barry, he spoke, not for very long. another quick speech. then everyone just stood there again, shell shocked. and i ended the show. [ laughter ] as i walked offstage people started speculating saying, oh, did you pull a prank? i was like, hey, no, i didn't! i did not pull a prank! if i'd pulled a prank, i wouldn't have just had the wrong winner's name on the envelope, there would have been a bed, bath and beyond coupon in there. [ laughter ] it was not a prank. the producers of
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were very gracious, which they did not have to be, onstage and off, they were very nice. they handled it well. it was a very amicable custody arrangement. they didn't ask for visitation or anything. so after the show, i went back in the green room to talk to warren beatty. still nobody knows what happened. and he showed me the evidence. you know, when you do a show, you aren't just the host, you're the lead detective. you're like the sheriff of the show. [ laughter ] warren beatty could be in prison if i wanted him. the card he had said "la la land." which is weird. because emma stone, who won best actress for "la la land," was in the press room doing interviews saying this -- >> i was holding my best actress in a leading role card that entire time. so whatever story -- i don't mean to start stuff. whatever story that was, i had that card. >> so she said she had the card. but i was with warren and he had the card. tu
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card. for whatever reason. they have two of each card in each envelope. there's a regular envelope and a backup. just to make it more confusing. [ laughter ] so the accountants gave warren the wrong card. and they apologized for it today. so it wasn't warren beatty's fault. faye dunaway mate quite a getaway. [ laughter ] she got the hell out of there, read the wrong name and split, shouldn't nod part of it. she was smart too. i spent the whole rest of the night answering questions about it. it was quite an evening, it really was. one person who was not affected at all by the commotion last night was chrissy teigen, the supermodel who is married to john legend. here she is just before they gave out the oscar for best actress. ♪ fast asleep on her husband's shoulder. [ laughter ] literally in la la land. also the man with the beard
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he managed to stay awake, he's in his 70s. by the way, oscar day was even more dramatic than oscar night. during rehearsal, noon yesterday, a huge part of the set collapsed. two giant, i mean 25, 30-foot tall structures, these big buildings, see those big buildings? i was onstage, i stepped offstage as part of rehearsal, they both came crashing down. and it was -- it scared the crap out of everybody. a lot of people thought a bomb went off. my wife shoved our daughter under a table to protect her. somehow, even though we had 15 cameras going, nobody got this on video. we did take a picture. you can see these things, they're made out of wood, someone easily could have been crushed. it was not me, i had the reflexes of spider-man. [ laughter ] a regular human could have been crushed by that thing. so the envelope was a distant second in the disaster category yesterday. not many people know this,
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dolby theater was built on an ancient indian burial ground. [ laughter ] [ applause ] fortunately nobody was hurt. if i'd been hit, i could have been the first person in history to both host and appear in the in memoriam montage on the same show. speaking of the in memoriam montage, a little bit of a mix-up there too last night. ♪ ♪ >> well, that woman there who passed away, janet patterson, that is not janet patterson. that's a producer named jan chapman, very much alive. they put a photo of a live person in the in memoriam. which technically, according to academy rules, means we now have to kill her. [ laughter ] seeing yourself in an in memoriam montage, probably one of the more surprising ways to find out you died. [
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show -- [ cheers and applause ] where things went well. things go wrong, no one cares. we have a real live oscar winner with us, from "moonlight," the best supporting actor in all the land, mahershala ali is here. [ cheers and applause ] that's right. the very funny mike birbiglia is here. did you have fun last night? >> guillermo: yeah, a lot of fun. >> jimmy: how late did you stay out? >> guillermo: midnight. >> jimmy: not bad. every year the stars walk the red carpet, guillermo is there. i've learned they now expect tequila from you. >> guillermo: everybody loves tequila. >> jimmy: talking to scarlett johansson, she said guillermo was there he had tequila, it was so great. you're like one of those st. bernards with the barrel of rum around its neck. anyway, the stars were out in hollywood last night. our very own guillermo was there to get them drunk and filed this exclusive report from the oscars red carpet.
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♪ ♪ >> guillermo: it's me, guillermo, talking to famous people on the red carpet, like this guy. >> your boss is inside, you're out here. >> what's your name? i'm the guy comes on your show, last time i saw you was your birthday. >> what do you want to say to the haters? >> wish you were here, don't you? >> are you nominated? >> the movie i'm in, "hacksaw ridge," the director andrew garfield as well. >> are you going to try hard next year? >> try hard to be nominated, give it a little more effort. i gave it a lot, just shy. a couple of days i slept in. next year. >> next year for sure. >> for sure. >> how are you? >> do you know who i am? >> yes, bob iger. >> not bad, you can work for another year. >> oh, that's good. can you do me a favor? >> sure. or maybe.
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>> if you see jimmy kimmel, he needs to sign my card so i can get paid. >> i can sign it. >> oh, yeah, sign it. i get paid overtime on sunday. that's right, overtime, baby. do you want a fortune cookie? >> sure. >> okay. >> people are naturally attracted to you. >> wow. that's right. i think it's true. >> they're so right. >> i am very attracted to you. >> oh, very good. >> thank you. >> i love you! oh my god! she's the best! wow! >> i'd love a tequila. >> yeah? right here. hola. >> that's a handbag, darling. >> yeah, it is. look. then you go like this. like that. and then you go like this. then you go li
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>> i'm smelling it first. how did you know what i wanted? that's nice. >> it's tequila? >> it's inside. try it. good? >> i really appreciate that. >> thank you very much. >> no thank you. >> are you trashed? >> a little bit. >> no, i'm good. >> i like your style. >> i like your style. >> we should probably kiss. >> what? >> we should probably kiss >> we should kiss, me and you? [ bleep ] it. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. >> thank you very much. >> this is the best day of my life. how's it going with matt damon? >> fantastic. >> no, it's terrible. >> he's a great man. you know what, this is going t
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ass one day. >> no, he's terrible. >> what do you want me to say? i love matt damon. >> casey, come here, casey, come here! casey, look, casey! you're directed to come over here, you're the director, come over here. >> come over here. see, he doesn't listen to me. >> do you have the right reason? >> to see jimmy? i'm here to support jimmy. i heard he's nervous. thank you very much. >> good luck. i love you. >> i love you. >> matt damon sucks. which one is the best picture of the year? >> "moonlight." >> no, this is the best picture of the year. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> two minutes to go. i'm hoping for a big, big, famous celeb right. i got to talk to directors -- >> it doesn
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he makes me stand out here -- >> i'm sorry, we've run out of time. back to you, jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you did the right thing, thank you, guillermo. we have to take a break. we have quite a show. corinne from "the bachelor" and a special all robert de niro edition of "mean tweets," so stick around, we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ b-i-g m-a-c get it! ♪ b-i-g m-a-c ♪ oh you got a fresh fade? ♪ closed a big deal today. chorus: there's a big mac for that! ♪ got that old school flow? ♪ you just came into some dough! ♪ chorus: big mac for that! ♪ uh, beat the boss. ♪ ha! need that special sauce? chorus: there's a big mac for that! ♪ oh! found your keys. ♪ hit some 3's, love melted cheese? ♪ chorus: there's a big mac for that! woah! juicy, cheesy, iconic big mac. now in three sizes, but only for a limited time. i'm lovin' it! ♪ ba da ba ba ba
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>> jimmy: hi, there. welcome back to our program. mahershala ali, mike big leah. a new episode of "the bachelor," fantasy suite night, bachelor nick invited one of his three remaining ladies --
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fashion boutique owner from arkansas, which is funny just in and of itself, to the fantasy suite. [ laughter ] of course that means he invited her to have sex. they can call it whatever they want. i love this part of the show. at this point nick knows which one he's going to pick, he has to, right? but before he makes that final dive into a relationship, he wants to get a little sex in. [ laughter ] so it's almost like his bachelor party, except after a bachelor party the guy actually does get married. in this case it's "the bachelor." nick invited raven to the fantasy suite where she dropped a major bombshell. >> i need to remind you of two things. >> okay. >> one, i've only been with one person. >> okay. >> keep that on your mind. >> i've kept it in mind. >> the second thing is that my last boyfriend, my ex, that i was intimate with, never made me orgasm. >> jimmy: all right, well. [ cheers and applause ]
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neck. that was a 200-mile-an-hour fastball thrown at the head. hey, glen, your ex-girlfriend was on tv last night talking about you! [ laughter ] oh, yeah, she said good things, i hope, huh? that might have been the most devastating off-camera attack ever on "the bachelor." see if we can get in touch with raven's ex-boyfriend, i'd love to know his reaction. [ cheers and applause ] also tonight we lost a major star of this show. the villain of the season, corinne. corinne is the one who has a nanny, very rich, everybody hates her. things ended as badly for corinne tonight as they did for "la la land" last night. >> will you accept this rose? >> yes. >> i'm sorry. >> listen, you didn't do anything wrong.
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>> jimmy: i just don't ever want to see you again. [ laughter ] it's down to vanessa, raven, and rachel. i had vanessa, rachel and corinne in my preseason final four. corinne is off the show but she'll be with us, a talk with her and hopefully her nanny if the nanny is there too. last night halfway through the show we had a special edition of "mean tweets" with natalie portman, ryan gosling, emma stone, sam jackson, robert de niro, find it on youtube. when we do these, shoot them, we have each person read a bunch of tweets, then we pick the best one. for robert de niro, they were all good ones. [ laughter ] we decided to do something we've only done with president obama, an entire edition of "mean tweets" dedicated to one person. kind of like a director's cut. an all-demere i don't version of "mean tweets." [ cheers and applause ] >> welcome to my class on
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the first step is to always contort your face like you just heard your grandma fart. good. good what? good. is this all you have to do in your life? you write these kind of things, whoever wrote this? there are now two things visible from space. the great wall of china, robert demeer de niro's mole, ha ha. who are you? some [ bleep ] 15-year-old, nothing better to do with your life? robert de niro looks like a wrinkled potato. [ bleep ] you. what kind of infantile humor is this? robert de niro eat [ bleep ] and die you worthless piece of [ bleep ]. you eat [ bleep ] and die, you worthless piece of [ bleep ]. you probably are a worthless piece of [ bleep ] and feel that way about yourself so [ bleep ]
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my nana's broken her nose and she looks like robert de niro, it's such a shame. [ bleep ] you. dude needs to start playing grandfather roles or something. yeah, i am playing grandfather roles. and pretty soon i'll be playing great grandfather roles. [ bleep ] you. robert de niro is not a good fella, he as p.o.s., piece of [ bleep ]. you can what you can do? you can suck my [ bleep ]. [ bleep ] scumbag. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] happy? >> jimmy: thanks, sir robert de niro and all the mean people who made that happen. mike birbiglia, corinne from "the bachelor," and be right back with oscar winner may chhe sha law ali!
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>> jimmy: hi there, we're look. tonight the latest lady to be eliminated from "the bachelor," the one with the nanny. one of the most talked about contestants in the long and magical history of the show, corinne olympios. she was sent home tonight and we'll find out how she's holding up. then, a very funny man. he's got a new comedy special on netflix called "thank god for jokes," mike birbiglia. [ cheers a
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tomorrow night we'll be joined -- by the way, tomorrow we're having a trump-free tuesday. his name will not be spoken at all on tomorrow's show. [ cheers and applause ] we will be joined by catherine zeta-jones and james harden with music from hank knutley, and later this week, alec baldwin, luke evans, adam pally, music from tuxedo and president george w. bush will be here too. for real. the real one. [ cheers and applause ] last night our first guest won an academy award for his work in either "la la land" or "moonlight," i'm still not exactly -- whichever one won best picture. >> mahershala ali. >> jimmy: that's "moonlight." it returns to theaters friday. please say hello to mahershala ali! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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>> jimmy: how are you doing? congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i was very happy for you. we were talking last night. we ran into each other so many times. i think i spent more time with you last night than my wife. >> we were hanging out, yeah. >> jimmy: how's everything? you're feeling -- >> good. >> jimmy: how are you feeling the day after? >> i'm a special kind of tired, man. >> jimmy: you are. >> yeah, yeah. you had the tough job. you were on your feet the whole time. >> jimmy: in a way you had the tougher job, not only did you get an oscar, you got a new baby this week. [ cheers and applause ] you have a 5-day-old baby. which is really great. did you get any sleep last night? >> you know -- my daughter, 4 days old. you know, she knew daddy was tired. so she let me sleep. >> jimmy: she's good already. >> she slept for four straight hours, you know? woke up, fed, went back to sleep. i was able to sleep.
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little guy yet? >> on tv. they watched it together, my wife and some family, at the house together watching it. >> jimmy: you mentioned your grandmother in your speech last night. >> yes. >> jimmy: which is very sweet. have you taken to her? >> i haven't spoken to her today. but funny thing. i was in austin, texas, when i got the call that i was nominated. and they're two hours ahead. my grandmother lives in the bay area. 5:30 in the morning in the bay area. and i was on my way -- about to go to work. i said, i got to call my grandmother, otherwise i won't talk to her. i call her. she's dead asleep. she goes to bed really late. hey, grandma, it's mahershala. she goes, hello, hello, hello? i go, everything's okay, everything's good, i know it's really early, i'm just calling to tell you something, got to tell you something, yeah, yeah, okay, okay. she's trying to wake up. i said, grandma. i got nominated for an oscar!
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she goes -- she's in the hospital? and i said, no, grandma, i got nominated for an oscar! who's oscar? [ laughter ] i said, i got nominated for an oscar for "moonlight"! oh -- you still in texas? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: maybe you'd be better off texting with her. >> yeah, exactly. i called her later that night. really late. she was awake. >> jimmy: and she was awake. >> she got it. she was so excited. >> did she watch you last night? >> i know all my family did. i just haven't had a second to talk to them. >> jimmy: get a million calls and e-mails and texts? >> i have about 700 e-mails, texts -- >> jimmy: kill a million birds to one stone and say something to your family and friends right
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go ahead, right there. >> all my folks at home in the bay area, my family in north carolina, chicago, philly, love you all, and really appreciate and it miss you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: look at that. that is unbelievable. so now that this has happened are you going right back into work? are you going to take a break? >> take off for about two, two and a half months. >> jimmy: oh, great. >> there's a project that is coming together that i'm really excited about. >> jimmy: i bet -- is it one of those things where, like today, as a result of winning the academy award, all of a sudden you heard from a whole bunch of people that you want to work with? >> you know, i've been really fortunate. because awards season, for a lot of folks, it culminates with the oscars, finishes with the oscars. but it's been six months. it starts with telluride. >> jimmy: yeah. >> festivals and whatnot. so in that process, in that run,
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getting calls and offers and opportunities have kind of grown. so i'm sure this makes things easier. >> jimmy: i feel like it's a full-time job the last six months for you, going to all these different awards and doing all these interviews about the awards and all this stuff. at a certain point, i'm going to have to go act in something at some point, right? >> yeah, yeah. it's funny because it flips. you can kind of get lulled into thinking you're doing the work when you're talking about work you've already done. >> jimmy: right. >> or a project being celebrated in a certain way. and as much as i appreciate having the opportunity to talk about this film and this character and share it, it's not the work. the work is between action and cut, you know? and you can forget that. so i got to go work on something a few months back. >> jimmy: right, yeah, you did, okay. >> and remembered that, oh, memorizing these lines, being alive in this scene, really trying to make these things pop, is the actual work. and this is kind of the icing on the cake.
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and your cake and icing and all that stuff. congratulations. the academy award, there it is. mahershala ali. "moonlight," if you haven't seen it, it's great, it returns to theaters friday. be right back with corinne from "the batchelor"! ...they're not all the same. turns out, they're really... ...different. who knew? i had no idea. so, she said look for... that's shaped like a dental tool with a round... ...brush head. go pro with oral-b. oral-b's rounded brush head surrounds each tooth to... ...gently remove more plaque and... ...oral-b crossaction is clinically proven to... ...remove more plaque than sonicare diamondclean. my mouth feels so clean. i'll only use an oral-b! the #1 brand used by dentists worldwide. oral-b. brush like a pro.
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>> jimmy: welcome back. mike birbiglia is on the way. tonight, it was a sad night on "the bachelor" the first contestant ever to have a nanny as an adult was eliminated. corinne has been controversial all season long. before we have a chat with her, take a look back at her incredible journey. >> hi. i'm corinne. >> you have a nanny? >> i do. >> do you have kids? >> no. i'm intelligent in my own way. i'm people smart. it's really sad that you can't breed other signs of intelligency.
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like that. no one ever will. dad would be proud. even though i was naked. >> what are you doing? >> take it off. >> oh my god. [ snoring ] >> do you call this immature? oh my god. sorry, guys. dude. i need sushi. my heart is gold. but my "vagien" is platinum. i can't even. i literally can't even. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: who can, really. anyway, now that she's out of the running we can ask her any questions and here she is, corinne, please say hello to corinne olympios! what is your deal? to be honest
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seen on television you seem like a terrible person. are you a terrible person? [ laughter ] >> i'm definitely not a terrible person. i think there's a lot that, you know, wasn't shown. a lot of conversations that nick and i did have that were more emotional and intimate. >> jimmy: what's been the reaction from fans of the show? people when you meet them? what do they say to you? >> honestly, fans have been really great. people are so nice to me. they really like me, i think. >> jimmy: are you feeling okay? are you feeling down? watching the show and nick didn't pick you, obviously. were you surprised by that? just to start with. >> watching it back was really hard for me today. because we did just have like a really great hometown date. you know. thingsus
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got sent home. i wasn't ready for it. >> jimmy: was your nanny raquel happy when you got home? [ laughter ] or was she like, oh no, she's back? >> she was really happy when i came home, actually. and i was really happy to see her too. >> jimmy: were you? well, how long have you been with raquel? i really wish raquel was there, i have a lot of questions for her too. [ laughter ] >> raquel has been with us for 18 years. >> jimmy: oh, wow. and you're very close, she's like -- almost like a family member? >> yeah. she is definitely just more than, you know, a nanny or a housekeeper or whatever you want to call her. >> jimmy: right. >> she's definitely family to me. she's been with me through really hard times. she stuck with my family. she moved from new jersey to florida with us. you know, she's very important to us. >> jimmy: right. when is raquel's birthday? do you know? >> that's actually something that she won't tell us. >> jimmy: oh. [ laughter ] >> she
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birthday. she never will. >> jimmy: i see. >> i know it's september. >> jimmy: corinne, when do you leave for "bachelor in paradise"? when does that begin? >> i wasn't even invited yet. i don't know if i would want to go, you know. >> jimmy: listen, first of all, i'm inviting you if no one has. [ laughter ] of course you're invited, you're the best one on the show, you have to be invited. >> well, thank you. >> jimmy: will you consider fit they invite you? >> i don't know. it's too early to tell. i don't know. >> jimmy: don't play coy with me, come on now. [ laughter ] >> i really don't know. i have mixed feelings about it. >> jimmy: i see. do you think you'll ever ride in a limo again or are the feelings too deep to do that? >> if anyone ever tries to give me red roses again i might punch them in the face. no worries. >> let that be a warning to all of corinne's future suitors. if you give her red roses, she will punch you in the face. thank you, corinne. [ cheers and applause ] appreciate your time. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: see you on "the
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bachelor in paradise." be right back with mike birbiglia! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. jumping beans - only at kohl's reimagined for everyday play. and right now 50% off. styles that inspire adventure for kids with big imaginations. easy to pair, easy to wear. kids' separates starting at just $7.
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>> jimmy: our next guest is one of the funniest of the funny men. he has a new standup comedy special called "thank god for jokes," available starting right now on netflix. please say hello to mike birbiglia. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> anything going on with you? >> jimmy: not anymore, nothing's going on. are you in town for the oscars? >> i was in town to watch the oscars on television. the reception is phenomenal. the closer you get to the oscars, it's crystal clear. yeah, no -- it was wild. it was very exciting. and then you were generous enough to have me
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and daughter, new daughter -- [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yes, she's very cute. >> over this week. i don't know if you remember this. about four years ago you had us over. we were talking about how both couples were going to have kids. >> jimmy: right. >> and your daughter is now 3. >> jimmy: 2 1/2. >> jane is 2 1/2. and our daughter is 22 months. so there is a disparity in the amount of time that it took us each to conceive. because apparently my boys don't swim. which isn't surprising, because i don't swim. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, that makes sense. >> i swim. i swim, but in circles. i'm always ordering hot dogs at the side of the pool. which is not a quality you want in your sperm. sort of lethargic and hungry qualities. you want your sperm to be like, i swim from sea to sea!
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like the ryan loc lochte of spe without the fake robbery. >> jimmy: will you get a jump on trying to get more? or is that it? >> no, no. >> jimmy: no? >> no, i don't think that we're going to -- i feel -- i feel like i'm in vegas, and i'm up, and i'm walking away. >> jimmy: from the table. >> yeah, because i'm -- yeah. i feel like i'm good. i'm good. we have una, she's great. >> jimmy: she's cute. >> jane's great. >> jimmy: you can't have her, but yeah. she's ours. your comedy baby, if you will, your netflix special, is very, very funny. it just premiered, like right now, they released it at midnight on netflix. which is exciting, right? >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: that's a big deal for you. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah, okay! yeah. the trailer came out last week. on youtube. d
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looking at the first comment. [ laughter ] i glanced down. >> jimmy: uh-huh, yeah. >> someone had written, this guy's really let himself go. and i just wanted to like create a fake alias and be like, no he hasn't! he's actually maintained roughly the same weight! >> jimmy: no good comes from reading that stuff. >> no, no. i was so hurt by it. i felt like i never sold myself. i'm mike birbiglia and i'm looking good! i was going to tell you. >> jimmy: what. >> i was going to tell you the other night you guys were nice enough to have us over for dinner. >> jimmy: right. >> you made us food. you made us -- jimmy's like -- i don't know if people realize this. sometimes you read articles about celebrities, and he cooks too. and you don't really believe it. but you really are an amazing cook. you made pizza -- >> jimmy: thank you.
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>> you're like geena davis with archery. like she's good. she's an olympian. and a great actress. >> jimmy: i take that as a great compliment. >> yes. and you made us, you know, like turkey meatballs, pizza, in a pizza oven, lasagna. and it was amazing at the end of the meal you were like, do you guys want some to go? and my wife was like, oh no. and i was like, oh, yeah! i was all over. >> jimmy: i appreciated that about you. i hate when people have to be polite. i want people to take food home when it's done. >> you have to-go boxes. at your house. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i do, yes. >> like a restaurant. like the jimmy kimmel restaurant. at his house. and then -- but you don't know this. >> jimmy: oh. what happened? >> on the front steps --
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>> carrying my baby in one arm and three boxes of turkey meatballs and pizza and lasagna. and -- they topple on your front steps. not all of them. two of them made it. i ate them the next day. the turkey meatballs in sauce exploded on your front steps. and my wife goes, do something! swear to god. and i get down, i don't know if the cameras will follow this. i'm pushing the meatballs into the bushes. [ laughter ] and my wife says, there can't be evidence! i take the meatballs and put them back in the box. and i pack them up and we get the hell out of there. you know, you wash them off and they're fine. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] you know what i mean? they're meatballs. it occurred to me, don't tell jimmy. don't tell jimmy
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or, you guys watched it on the secure camera. >> jimmy: oh, i bet i have that. imagine the comments you're going to get on the youtube section. i'm going to look for that. mike birbiglia. "thank god for jokes" available right now on netflix. we'll be right back! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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>> jimmy: i'd like to thank mahershala ali, corinne from "the bachelor." and mike birbiglia. matt damon, we ran out of time for him. after "nightline" next, turn it on and watch it. we'll see you tomorrow night.
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, oscars so twice. >> "la la land." >> it was the ultimate hollywood ending. >> there's a mistake. "moonlight," you guys won best picture. >> a twist that shocked even the best. >> i looked up on the monitor. and i said, okay. something's really wrong. >> the stars and producers whose fortunes turned on a dime. >> it was tough. >> on a night of twitter and gold. >> we're more than two hours into the show and donald trump hasn't tweeted at us once. >> and jimmy isn't the only one waiting to hear from the president. we're on the road in the coal digging, horse racing, bluegrass state where there is now a battle over obamacare. >> it's a political war over health care. >> why some docto


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