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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  May 11, 2017 11:35pm-12:37am EDT

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did you happen to have a certified letter? just so you understand. i'm not just saying that. i've given the letter. i've given the letter to senator lindsey graham. he has the letter. i think frankly -- i assume he's going to give the letter out. it says i am not involved in russia. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live"! tonight, ewan mcgregor. from "scandal," katie lowes. "this week in unnecessary censorship." and music from at the drive-in. and now, stay right where you are. here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very nice. hi, i'm
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the show. thanks for watching at home. thanks for coming to my work. very kind, i appreciate it. remember like -- remember like four days ago when we were all worried about north korea? what happened to that? [ laughter ] those were simpler times. i'm glad you're here. i'm glad i'm here. there's so much trumpiness going on right now. it's hard to keep up. but tonight president trump gave his first tv interview since he fired the director of the fbi on tuesday. you know, one of the reasons they're giving for that firing is that trump said james comey lost the trust of rank and file fbi agents. and today the acting head of the fbi, andrew mccabe, flatly contradicted that. he said the vast majority of agents hold a deep positive connection to director comey. so he's fired too then, right? [ laughter ] everybody's fired. i think the strategist thing about how all this went down is that trump fired james comey b
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he had a letter delivered to his office at the fbi. he didn't even say you're fired, which is his catch phrase. [ laughter ] you know what it's like? it would be like arnold schwarzenegger leaving a party and just going, "see ya." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] so tonight it's disappointing. tonight donald trump sat down with lester holt of nbc news and shed light on his claim that on three separate occasions, director comey assured him he was not under investigation. >> and during the phone call he said it. then during another phone call he said it. he said it once at dinner, then he said it twice during phone calls. >> did you call him? >> in one case i called hill, in one case he called me. >> did you ask him, am i under investigation? >> i actually asked him, yes. i said, if it's possible will you let me know, am i under investigation? he said, you are not under investigation. >> jimmy: okay, good, you're fired, then. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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no way , it did not happen anything like that i guarantee that. trump did an interview with "the economist" which came out today in which he claims to have invented the phrase priming the pump. for real. he said he came up with it, you can read this, this is true, he said he came up with it a couple of days ago and he thought it was good. he's right it is good. the phrase priming the pump has been around since the early 1930s. here's the thing. everyone is very focused on the comey firing and whether trump's people colluded with the russians and all that is important, it is. but i think this is even more important. because forget everything politically, forget everything you believe for a minute, forget whether you're a democrat or republican. just clear your mind and ask yourself, what kind of a person thinks he came up with the phrase "priming the pump"? [ cheers and applause ] i mean, who
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yeah, thought of that. only a crazy person. every sane english-speaking person knows, unless donald trump is secretly 120 years old, he didn't come up with priming the pump. that's a red flag for a mental disorder. even melania was like, you didn't write that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] it's funny, every time donald trump does something like this, people go, is he crazy? or is he crazy like a fox? well, i'm here to tell you there's no fox. [ laughter ] it's just all crazy. i have proof, too. [ cheers and applause ] i have -- this is an exclusive, i have physical evidence that he is insane. if donald trump were sane, would he be selling lgbtq for trump t-shirts on we finally found it, the least-popular shirt on the planet earth. that's not a t-shirt, that's a cry for help. [ laughter ]
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i ordered two of them by the way. [ cheers and applause ] president trump's approval rating has sunk to near-historic lows. according to a new quinnipiac poll his approval rating is down to 36%. if it gets down to the 20s he might start dating it. [ laughter ] hey, this is something. for those who weren't watching c-span2 this afternoon like i was, here's senator bill cassidy of louisiana. >> we're going to have insurance for everybody. there was a philosophy that if. >> you can't pay for it, you don't get it. that's not going to happen with us. so the jimmy kimmel test,fy can put this back up. is that we're going to protect those with pre-existing conditions but we will do it by lowering premiums, not by giving crummy coverage, rather by having adequate coverage. so if you're approach passes the kimmel test, then we feel like it is a way to go. >> jimmy: i've never felt more
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[ cheers and applause ] i left side dreamed that one day i would make it to an easel on c-span2. [ laughter ] what do they have on c-span 1 today? college graduation season is in full swing. this is a time of year when schools will try to book famous people to speak at their commencement ceremonies. joe biden will be speaking at cornell. harvard booked mark zuckerberg. nyu landed fa legal. the students at bethune cookman, historically black college, got a speech from new secretary of education betsy devos. that went over as well as you might expect they did. there were so many boos betsy thought the auditorium was haunted. >> dr. jackson, board of trus e trustees, thank you so very, very much for this great honor and privilege --
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i am honored to become a wildcat. [ audience booing ] and it's a real honor and privilege to be with you -- >> if this behavior continues, your degrees will be mailed to you. >> jimmy: that's not much of a threat, is it? [ laughter ] if you continue your misbehavior you will not be allowed to sit here the next three hours while we read everybody's names in alphabetical order. whoever booked her to speaks loves betsy devos or hates betsy deboss. president trump is scheduled to speak for graduations at liberty university and coast guard academy. for those colleges he won't be able to get to in person we put something together, an
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of bigly importance from the president of the united states. >> thank you. now in a certain way, the hard work begins. i'm asking you to dream big. there are a lot of people down there going to be successful. do you guys want to be successful or don't you care? always be around unsuccessful people, because everybody will respect you. do you understand that? i think it's really important, if somebody screws you, screw them back in spades. the other thing i tell people, because in new york it's like a total catastrophe. it's an epidemic. i always say, always have a prenuptial agreement. but i won't say that because you people don't get divorced, right? to get the press, read the internet, study other things. don't go for the mainstream media. go home and get a job. go home, get a job. i love you very much. the american dream is dead. good-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: ray of sunshine. so the future is bright. and now we carry on a loved tradition around here, it's thursday night, it's time to bleep and blur the big tv moments of the week whether they need it or not. it is "this week in unnecessary censorship." >> this is a cbs news special report. president trump has just [ bleep ]ed the director of the fbi. >> a president of the united states who has made it very clear he does not give a [ bleep ]. >> mr. mccann asked me whether or not general flynn should be [ bleep ]ed and i told him that wasn't our call. >> you asked yourself why wouldn't you [ bleep ] a guy? >> a coalition group called [ bleep ], [ bleep ] is targeting twos do house republicans. >> you've [ bleep ]ed a horse or two. >> i have [ bleep ]ed a horse or two. >> i looked down and i had a
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little [ bleep ]. lovely little [ bleep ]. >> i enjoy being in my own house. i have been [ bleep ]ing michelle to get more closet space. >> no matter who you are, if you [ bleep ] someone in the [ bleep ], you should apologize. >> is this true? >> how big is your [ bleep ]? >> what my [ bleep ] got to do with this here? >> when you stuck your finger in the alligator's [ bleep ], what did the alligator do? >> you're in great hands. >> i have to go take a [ bleep ]. take care of the kids, okay? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back from the break, i hope you know this already, but sunday is mother's day. and tonight real moms in disguise share the worst mother's day gifts they ever received from their children. that is next so stick around, we'll be right back.
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>> jimmy: welcome back to the show. ewan mcgregor, katie loews, music from at the drive-in is all coming. i don't know if i'd call it an epidemic but something is going on in the united kingdom. there's a thing called after caud cohand that has been hitting hospitals. british surgeons reported a sharp rise in people injuring themselves while cutting avocados. i didn't know they had avocados there. it's weird that this is happening in england. there is no injury that screams california more than avocado hand. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] maybe quinoa foot would to
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yoga balls. but that is it. it does make sense. we've been smashing avocados into guacamole for years, it was only a matter of time before they started to seek revenge on us. mother's day is on sunday. which means you have two days to figure out which old photo you're going to post of her on instagram. it's weird that mothers only get one day. sharks get a whole week. isn't it? mother's day was, as you know, invented by big corporations in order to sell more moms. if you still haven't picked a mother's day gift out i have an idea. why not surprise mom with tickets to see "king arthur: legend of the sword"? moms get a lot of bad gifts on mother's day. because kids are dumb and have no money. and dads in general, dads aren't as good in the gift department as moms are. this year we decided to give mothers a chance to vent. we asked moms to share the worst mother's day gifts they ever received. we let them wear masks so
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hurting anyone's feelings in this special mother's day edition of "hide and speak." [ cheers and applause ] >> could you tell us the worst mother's day gift you ever received? >> the worst mother's day gift. peanuts. that's all i get. peanuts. >> penis? >> peanuts. >> oh, peanuts. what is the worst thing you've ever got for mother's day? >> well, i told my husband i didn't want chocolate. so him and my son got me big bags of potato chips. and i cried and cried and cried. >> a very tacky garden ornament which i didn't really like and i felt terrible about, which makes me a very bad mother, i think. >> those your kids right there? >> that's my children right there. >> she hates your gifts, guys. >> the mccony necklaces. the mccony areaings. the macaroni bracelets. they're all horrible. every single gift sucks. >>
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of wine inside the mini bucket to top it off. >> were there minnow in the minnow bucket? >> no, but a gift certificate to the bait and tackle store. >> my husband, when the kids were small, he regave me the same gift from last year. >> what was it? >> the kids' teeth. >> that's your husband? >> yep. that's him. >> you gave her teeth? >> yes. >> are you a serial killer? >> no. >> the worst thing i ever got for mother's day was a laundry basket. >> i got a billy goat. >> what is the worst thing you ever got for mother's day? >> my daughter brought home all of her laundry and gave me coupons to do her wash. >> is that your daughter over there? >> yes. >> any embarrassing stories you could tell us about her? >> actually, she just peed her pants in a cup on her way down to san francisco. because she couldn't wait. peed her pants in my car. >> h
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>> thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. you saw some bad mother's day gifts. obviously you don't want to be in that boat. mother's day isn't just what mike pence calls date night with his wife, it's an important day. it's a day to express your love. if you don't have a gift yet, here's a creative idea for those who live in colorado, california, and a handful of other states. >> mom. she spent most of her life taking care of you. >> this is lovely, steven. i'm going to get started on these dishes. >> isn't it time you took care of her? >> mom, please. you work so hard. it's high time you took a break. >> this mother's day, give her the gift she'll never remember. marijuana. hand-grown to be smoked, eaten or vaped. >> i came from you! ha ha! >> marijuana has everything your mom needs to calm her nerves and chill her the [ bleep ] out.
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to purchase marijuana, call the number on the screen. ask for dilman. if mom answers just hang and up try again later. >> do you remember my friend susan from book club? it so is weird, because -- susan would never shop at whole foods. >> warning, marijuana may cause your mother's story about running into susan from book club to be longer. >> it's like grass-fed beef dog food and it's air chilled -- >> this was a mistake. this was a mistake. >> marijuana, your mother will call it reefer. >> reefer. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right. then go to brunch. tonight on the show we have music from at the drive-in. from "scandal," katie lowes is here. be right back with ewan mcgre r mcgregor! >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by new mobil 1 annual protec
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>> jimmy: tonight from the show, from "scandal," katy lowes is with us. then, this is big, their first album in 17 years it's called "in-ter-a-li-a." at the drive in from
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if you're in los angeles you can see at the drive in live saturday night at the shrine auditory yom. and next week, we have new shows with bryan cranston, ed helms, justin theroux, johnny depp, science bob pflugfelder, will be here to do experiments. paul george. and music from paramore, linkin park and snoop dogg. so please join us then. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an emmy and golden globe-nominated actor who trades light-saber for snow-shovel as the stussy brothers of north dakota in the third season of the great show, "fargo." >> you hear me? >> i'm dead? you got some nerve. >> this is your son. >> tell lashes the tape. >> i'm out of a job. >> she left me. >> oh, well. you know. should have done what was right when you had
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but when i'm done with you spiel be sponging you off the floor. >> yeah, you'll be in the poorhouse making soup out of your dirty socks. >> [ bleep ] you. >> jimmy: "fargo" airs wednesdays on fx, please say hello to ewan mcgregor. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you? it's kind of funny. seeing you -- and i love the show by the way. it's fantastic. it just occurred to me you're saying f-u to yourself. >> i do that a little more often sometimes maybe. >> jimmy: that's playing two roles -- is that tricky to do that? >> in this case, the challenge is to try and make it so the audience don't think about it. >> jimmy: right. >> and -- i've done ate couple of times before. and i did a film with michael bay called "the island" where i
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myself. and then in a film called "last days in the desert," directed by rodrigo garcia, i played the jesus and i played the devil and i had scenes together. but in this case i'm playing two brothers. and i've got more to do with myself in this series than either of those two film. i had to do it so that you didn't think about it. you know? and then you have to make each person complete, then, i guess. you've got to -- i don't want people thinking, oh, what are the similarities. >> jimmy: right, they are brothers, so they should be somewhat similar. they look a bit like me. >> jimmy: do you get paid double, paid twice as much for that? >> no. >> jimmy: you do not? >> no. and it's the white -- it seems silly to say but it's twice the work. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] they would have had to pay another guy. you've got to get a new agent is really what you need. >> right? i tell you what, the only thing i would have been paid for more is the learning. like i -- i go up there to calgary that i love and adore and the crew in calgary were
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i finished this only on thursday. and i miss it very much. >> jimmy: just finished? >> just finished. we go up there, we've worked on the look and the makeup for ray and the look for emmitt. then i had to think about how they sounded, thought about how they walk, how they move. i think about all those things. wasn't until we started shooting that i realized i had to learn twice as many lines. i had to learn two leading roles. and that was just unbelievable amount of learning. i was shooting as ray, i was shooting as emmett, i was in the makeup chair, or learning lines. that was basically it. >> jimmy: when you -- for the emmys will you be nominated twice? >> wouldn't that be great? >> jimmy: you could be running against yourself. >> who are they going to pick? >> jimmy: no, who are they? >> why would i be nominated for one and not the other? >> jimmy: i wonder how that works. >> i don't know, i could do the red carpet twice. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it would be great. i imagine you sitting in the
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say ewan mcgregor for emmitt. then you're sitting -- then you get up and rush over to another seat. that would be nice, yeah. >> >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's something else, that's interesting, whole deal. the show is fantastic, one of my favorite television shows. >> noah holly is the creator. >> jimmy: he's a brilliant, brilliant guy. >> i'd never seen it before. i started talking about it with fx. because i always thought it was a silly idea, to make a tv series based on a movie we all know and love. >> jimmy: i think everyone thought it was a silly idea. >> then i watched it, oh my god, he managed to take the essence of the coen brothers movie "fargo." different characters and different storylines, make it feel like "fargo." he's very talented. >> at that point how does it work, you contact him or just aware of the show and this all came together? >> i met the guy skiing, i met one of the producers from "fargo" in a restaurant on a ski slope in utah. and i was talking to him, introduced to him, talking to him abou a
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and he went, have you seen fargo? and i went, ppt, no. [ laughter ] i love galifianakis' show "baskets." >> jimmy: that is a great show. >> i love fx shows. he went, you should check out "fargo," we're looking for someone to play two brothers. that piqued my interest. i love alec guinness and actors who have done that, tackled different roles in a film. >> jimmy: lindsay lohan? laugh live [ laughter ] >> beautiful work. alec guinness, lindsay lohan. not a sentence you hear a lot. >> jimmy: you have your actors and we have ours. >> okay, yeah, that's fair enough. i think lindsay's very good. >> jimmy: she as very good actress, we've forgotten about the acting part of her life, still a good actor. >> i feel like it's a mark of something to be able to pull it off. and it was -- like you say, i've done it a couple of times before but never to this extent. >> jimmy: we're going to take a break. ewan mcgregor is with us.
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♪ a lot of people have vertical blinds. well, if a lot of people jumped off a bridge, would you? you hungry? i'm okay right -- i'm... i'm becoming my, uh, mother. it's been hard, but some of the stuff he says is actually pretty helpful. pumpkin, bundling our home and auto insurance is a good deal! like buying in bulk! that's fun, right?
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republican leaders are to affordable health care. i'm tom perriello and in congress i voted for obamacare because it was wrong that a million virginians weren't covered while insurance companies held all the power. now i'm running for governor because it's wrong that most virginia incomes haven't gone up in 20 years. together, we can stop donald trump, raise wages and build an economy that works for everyone. and we'll make sure this never happens in virginia. >> jimmy: we're
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mcgregor from the show "fargo" on fx. do you do anything to celebrate may the 4 in this may the 4th be with you, a big "star wars" holiday? >> i celebrate by not looking at my twitter account or instagram account at all. that's how i celebrate. whoo-hoo! >> jimmy: you know, they're doing a han solo solo film, shooting one right now. i'm sure you're aware. i wonder if obi-wan kenobi solo -- only obi-wan, is that something you'd be interested in? >> that's a good title, "only obi." i would, it's got to be point where i've been asked -- i don't mean any offense -- >> jimmy: no, i understand. >> i've been asked this question so many times. and i answer questions when i'm asked them because i've been brought up like that. >> jimmy: it's polite of you. >> it's got to the point where it looks like i'm touting for work at disney's front door, like give me the obi-wan spinoff. >> jimmy: i see, yeah. >> of course i'd be happy to do
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>> jimmy: did you steal a lightsaber when you did that the first time? >> yes. >> jimmy: where that is lightsaber now? >> i don't know. >> jimmy: you don't know? >> i got the props guy -- i hope he don't -- he can't lose his job, we're not making them anymore. the lightsaber handles, there's different ones. ones you fight with which are smooth. if you fought with the one that hangs on the belt you'd cut your hands, sharp edges and stuff. you've got the gucci one, the one that hangs here and looks good. close up and stuff. then your different sorts of stuff. i asked him, tiger i think his name was, could you make me one? i swear to god the security was so tight. we shot the -- episode 2 and 3 in australia. it got so much that our producer, rick mccallum, had his dna cloned. it was like every prop, every -- someone stole an r2d2. something. so his dna's all over everything. >> jimmy: really. >> there's so many jokes about how he might have put
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all of them. >> jimmy: i can't imagine what he did to poor r2. >> that one's marked! >> jimmy: r2dna. >> lovely tiger, if that was his name, he made me one. i think it's in storage in london somewhere. >> jimmy: i would hope so. >> a guy who looks after my storage unit is just like this right now. >> jimmy: yeah, he's fighting storm troopers right now. in your storage facility. >> exactly. >> jimmy: you were gaining weight the last time we were here for the role. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you just told me that you finished shooting last week. what happened? how did you lose all the weight immediately? >> i had to gain the weight really for a scene in the very first episode. with mary elizabeth winstead. we're in a bathtub. >> jimmy: oh, yes. >> i get out of the bathtub and you see ray naked. i had to have this sort of heft to justify his look through the series. because i wear padding for ray. >> jimmy: you did it just for that one scene? >> really for that one scene. also i wear prosthetics on my neck
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ray was head of. by the time i got in my costume, he looked heavy. but in this one scene i had to justify it. so i put on a lot of weight. i mean -- i'd never been fitter. i did -- just finished "trainspotting 2" with danny boyle and the boys. you know, my character, renton, a super fitness fanatible at this point. i got really fit, running a lot. johnny lee miller, a great friend, is an ultra marathon runner, runs 50, 100-mile races. he inspired me to run further. than i'd ever done before. i was super fit. and i met noah holly to discuss ray and emmitt and i said, maybe we could put a bit of prosthetics around my neck to make my heavier. and he went, you need to put some weight on. >> jimmy: that's the sentence i dream of hearing. [ laughter ] >> i know, it does -- i had been waiting for that as well. sort of like the opposite what was we usually do for a naked scene in a movie. >> jimmy: yeah, right. >> three weeks of not eating or drinking green [ bleep ].
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winstead is very attractive and you get in the -- now this is i assume -- >> fat and bald. >> jimmy: you get in like, i don't usually look like this. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i'm running with johnny lee miller normally. you should see me after that. >> you should have seen me a few months ago, mary. there was a great moment. there's a moment where i go out to scoop mcnairry, who i adore, wonderful actor. mary's in the bath and i grab him like this. the camera's over by mary. before -- i had a towel. before every take, i sort of put my stomach over the towel. i ite i'd only met mary, we were strangers really. i knew we were going to get on when i looked over, she caught me doing that, she just went -- [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: ewan mcgregor, everybody! "fargo" wednesday nights on fx. we'll be right back with katie lowes!
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attention. we - and by we, we mean us, the entertainment-loving people of america, have updated our terms and conditions. one. from now on, the word "television" will no longer be defined as that thing over there on the wall. we want all our things to be television things. phones. ipads. refrigerators. heart monitors. ok, maybe not heart monitors. two. our shows and movies. we want them when we want them. so they should go with us. anywhere? you got that right, kid show thing. three. nothing beats live. so we want to stream all that sweet live stuff. like football. red carpets. and yelling. wait! what are we yelling about, guys? four. we don't just want unlimited data. we want unlimited entertainment. like unlimited hbo. can i stop dying now mark? c'mon man. it's unlimited.
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we just want all our stuff... the way we want all our stuff. that's not too much to ask is it? only at&t brings you entertainment on your terms. directv, wireless, internet. it's entertainment your way. schick hydro ® technology that transforms. schick hydro ® protecting mankind, one face at a time. you're not taking these. hey, hey, hey! you're not taking those. whoa, whoa! you're not taking that. come with me. you're not taking that. you're not taking that. you're not taking that. mom, i'm taking the subaru. don't be late. even when we're not there to keep them safe, our subaru outback will be. (vo) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru.
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well it's a perfect nespresso hold on a second.orge. mmm. ♪ [mel torme sings "comin' home baby"] hey there. want a lift? ♪ where are we going? no don't tell me. let me guess. ♪ have a nice ride. ♪ how far would you go for coffee that's a cup above? i brought you nespresso. nespresso. what else? >> jimmy: hi there, welcome back.
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still to come, music from at the drive-in. our next guest plays one of the most unpredictable people on one of the most unpredictable shows on tv. she is quinn perkins on "scandal." you can see the two-hour season tip in all lay a week from tonight here on abc. please say hello to katie lowes. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> i'm so happy to see you. >> jimmy: i'm happy. this is the first time anyone's been happy to see me, that's nice. >> i have to say congratulations on billy. >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm so -- i'm so happy he's home. >> jimmy: he's doing great. >> doing well. >> jimmy: he is doing very well. >> i love the name billy kimmel. i don't know him but i already like him. >> jimmy: that's good, yeah. >> right? such a good name. is it a family name? >> jimmy: m
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who passed away named bill. she liked him. >> is it short for something? >> jimmy: william is his name. >> aww, it's such a good name. >> jimmy: also, i did a little thinking about it. i was thinking like bill murray. >> yes. >> jimmy: billy crystal. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's like the great -- billy connolly. it's the greatest comedy name there is. billy bush. [ laughter ] he had one of the funniest tapes last year. >> that could go one way or the other. i love the name. and it goes really well with jane. >> jimmy: yes. >> the whole family. >> jimmy: my daughter jane, billy and jane, almost like a michael jackson song. [ laughter ] >> very much on my brain. >> jimmy: thank you, i appreciate it. >> i love it. >> jimmy: good. you seem very interested in the subject. are you ovulating right now? [ laughter ] >> well, it's a little bit something like that. the names have been very much on my brain. my husband and i, we are expecting our first baby. >> jimmy: congratulations. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah! >>
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>> it's our first one, it's a boy. we have zero names. >> jimmy: you have no names? >> none. >> jimmy: i can help you with this. >> my husband's a huge basketball fan. for years we've been calling him lebron. >> jimmy: baby lebron? >> we gol him lebron, bron-bron, there's a bedroom next to our room and we say, someday that's going to be lebron or lebronna's room. now we know it's lebron but that can't be his name. >> jimmy: at a certain point maybe he'll be with you for five years and he'll say, i'm going to live with a different family. then maybe he'll come back later but it will be tumultuous. >> hilarious. my husband really likes it. and lebron shapiro? >> jimmy: no, that's not -- >> lebron james is really good but lebron shapiro? >> jimmy: no, no. yeah, nothing that you're thinking about? gravitating towards? >> literally nothing.
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>> jimmy: what about gelatin with a "j"? that's what i tried to get my wife to go with. camaro is one i thought would be really good. >> brilliant, brilliant. >> jimmy: dump truck. >> dump truck shapiro, that's a real winner right there. hilarious. >> jimmy: soupnds like he'd an heavyweight champion in the '20s, dump truck shapiro, killed a man with his bare hands! >> shapiro is hard. if anyone has ideas i'm looking for any suggestions. >> jimmy: i would suggest you use your last name. that would be my suggestion. yeah, yeah. no, shapiro will be fine, it's going to be fine, don't worry about it. >> i'm excited about it. >> jimmy: i'm excited for you also. are you getting the house ready, baby proofing? >> i'm getting the house ready, i'm getting everyone at work ready. i told shonda. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. >> i told her five minutes from being pregnant. >> jimmy: you have to. >> you know what she said to me? she knew. >> jimmy: what? >> yes, because she's shonda, genius, knows everything that's going on in the
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>> jimmy: were you living in shonda land? >> right, the minute i got pregnant. shonda knew i was pregnant. >> jimmy: how did she know? >> i think she was in the editing room for us hours, looking at my face, she could tell i'd had a really good weekend eating pizza and beer or i was pregnant. i told guillermo who plays huck, i told him next. it was not great. he just came up to me out of the blue, we're tight, he was like, whoa. your boobs look super big. i'm like, i'm pregnant! that's how he found out. >> jimmy: that's an hr violation. [ laughter ] >> look out, guillermo. >> jimmy: is your mother excited about this? >> my mother is freaking out. >> jimmy: a good mother's day gift. >> oh my gosh, so what is happening? >> jimmy: yeah, you'll get presents next year. >> oh, that's exciting. >> it's an extra holiday that has been added. >> my mom is excited, the whole family's excited. i'm trying to get the dog yet, this 8-year-old dog i adopted who has issues. and we were --
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daddy issues? [ laughter ] >> yeah, exactly. he's just very sensitive. and i've been told by his trainer that i have to -- i got a baby doll that makes a lot of crying sounds. so i'm supposed to be walking around my house with a baby and like setting him up for success so that he can really get as used to the baby coming as much as he needs to before the baby gets here. i'm putting deep others a baby doll. >> jimmy: you realize the dog thinks you're insane, right? [ laughter ] >> so do my parents. >> jimmy: you're dog's at the pound going, get me out of here. >> my parents too. they're like, think you've been living in l.a. too long, you need to come home. >> jimmy: i think that is what people imagine is going on in l.a. people babying their dogs. >> that's me. >> jimmy: i don't know if that works but it couldn't hurt to do it. >> i'll try anything, i don't care. i want -- he's my baby too. he's my furry baby. i'm sound like a crazy mom already. crazy mom. >> jimmy: another thing, a lot of babies
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so there's a fur on the baby, on a human baby. >> really? >> jimmy: at least mine has it, i don't know. when he was coming out it was like, oh, this is a chip pan zee. this is not a child. >> i'm glad i know. i was a babysitter for 100 years. >> jimmy: that's right. >> i know best, but i don't know at all about -- >> jimmy: about newborns. >> the greatest thing about babysitting is giving them back at the end of the day. wait, they come out furry and i have to keep it for longer than a 10-hour shift? >> jimmy: wait until you find out how you have to feed them. it's really weird. [ laughter ] it's really weird. huck is going to go wild. >> whoa! it's going to be wild, it's going to be crazy. the dog's going wild, huck's going wild? i saw a story saying this was going to -- next season was going to be the last season of "scandal." >> that -- i have read things like that as well. i don't know anything. you have to ask shonda. or abc. >> jimmy: i like that you point
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imagine shonda. >> she is shondaland, she is everything. >> jimmy: yeah, wow. >> ask them, then tell them i'd like -- >> jimmy: i think that's a terrible idea. what the hell? are we intentionally trying to destroy this network? >> no, jimmy, you, you're the best. >> jimmy: yeah, thanks. [ cheers and applause ] i wanted to name a kid camaro, how good could i be? congratulations to you and your husband. katie lowes, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] the two-hour season finale of "scandal" a week from tonight on abc. be right back with music from the drive-in! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
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♪ [doorbell] ♪ ♪ when you have doctors working as a team for your health, you get the care you need to help you thrive. ♪ visit to learn more. kaiser permanente. thrive. ♪
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i want to thank ewan mcgregor, katie lowes and apologize to matt damon. we ran out of time. "nightline" is next, but first, this is their new albu
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"in-ter-a-li-a," here with the song "hostage stamps," at the drive-in! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ my eyes scroll to the back of my head ♪ keepsake battalions phantom couplets a new tactile cremation attested ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ inoculated at the liquor store drunk on the of semaphore embers ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the hospice waltz of corpus flowers leaves pinko fumes from turret guns ♪ ♪ sawing at the base of pylon towers banking on the drought banking on ♪ ♪ the opaque spurs i've defeated every crypt in the potters field of machuca ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ thirty days spent in the hole raise yourself a
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♪ inoculated at the liquor store drunk on the of semaphore embers ♪ ♪ thirty days spent in the hole raise yourself a nithing pole ♪ ♪ inoculated at the liquor store drunk on the of semaphore embers ♪ ♪ raise your nithing poles raise your nithing poles ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ put your hurt in a safe throw it in wet cement never speak of this to a living soul ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ raise your nithing poles ♪ inoculated at the liquor store drunk on the of semaphore embers ♪ ♪ raise your nithing poles raise your nithing poles raise your nithing poles raise your nithing poles ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
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this is "nightline." >> tonight, car fire mystery. dozens of bmws going up in flames while parked, engines off. >> my car is on fire. >> abc news investigates. luxury cars even destroying homes. >> snap, crackle, pop, and boom, a flame. >> what could be behind the combustions and how is the carmaker responding? why didn't you say this to me when i was alive? >> controversy erupting over the netflix series "13 reasons why." accused of glorifying teen suicide. now one high school answering back. students taking to the loud speakers, broadcasting their own struggle. >> getting teased and picked on for how i look. >> calling me worthless, that i'd be bette


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