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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 25, 2010 12:05am-1:05am EST

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and finally, a powerful and hard to predict winter storm is taking dead aim tonight at much of the northeast. it is just the latest strike in a winter that many would love to forget. more snow. that's the forecast tonight for a huge section of the country, stretching all the way from the great lakes east to new england. and as far south as maryland. some areas like albany are still digging out from the first snowstorm that ended earlier today. one to two feet of snow are expected to fall over the next 48 hours in parts of new england, new york, pennsylvania and new jersey. other parts of new england, such as the greater boston area, may not suffer from heavy snows, but will have to deal with torrential rains. on top of all that precipitation, winds will be dangerously high thursday afternoon, up and down the east coast, with gusts up to 50 miles
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an hour. the combination of snow and wind could wreak havoc, grinding many early weekend getaways, whether by car, plane or train, to a halt. it's just the latest installment of what's been a record-breaking winter, that for many can't end soon enough. 23 days until spring. you can see the latest on the winter weather by watching "good morning america" or clicking on the "nightline" page at that's our report for tonight. from all of us at abc news, good night, america. >> jimmy: i'm jimmy kimmel. on the show tonight, andy garcia, "little miss perfect" host michael galanes, comedian dana gould and the world premiere of a new music video from tracy morgan and friend. ♪ it put a baby in you ♪ i'm going to put a baby in you ♪ ♪ i put the miracles of babies
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in you ♪ ♪ i would have liked to put a baby in you ♪ >> jimmy: that's right. we are your baby's daddy. "jimmy kimmel live," back in two minutes. kelly: vanessa... kelly: (over footage) here, you rocked the new skinny jeans ook., heather: but you also rocked on your mannequin stand. kelly: please hand in your stand. josh: all me! announcer: this week everyone's #a star with old navy famous !jeans. 19 dollars for adults. kids 12. enter online for a chance to become the next supermodelquin and take home a 100 grand. ow. like our award-winning cc. white one! [ chuckles ] or the fuel-efficient jetta. ooh! red one! [ sighs ] or the tiguan. black one! oh. two for flinching. plus, every volkswagen includes no-charge, scheduled, care-free maintenance. silver one! ohh! on any volkswagen? yeah. [ male announcer ] with great deals on all 13 models... white one!'s a whole new volkswagen. and a whole new game. ♪
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♪ i'm going to have one of these under 550 calorie meals. [ male announcer ] applebee's new unbelievably great-tasting and under 550 calories menu. it's all the taste and none of the trade offs. that's under 550 calories? [ male announcer ] and it's another reason why, there's no place like the neighborhood. pancho, no. over or we can't make the triangle. [ male announcer ] tell us how you.roll at
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>> dic >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- andy garcia. from "little miss perfect," michael galanes. comedian dana gould. and a special appearance by tracy morgan. with cleto and the cletones. ♪ it's "jimmy kimmel live" and now, what else can i say? here's jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: thank you, welcome to the show. once again, you've warmed my heart to the point where -- i have a cold. that's why i have this box of tissues with animals that i'm allergic to on them. that's what they do. they -- you see the dog and immediately your nose starts running and you use more. bastards. i'll tell you what, i'm glad we're not on the east coast right now, no matter how good the pizza is. another big storm is on the way. five inches are expected in new york and new england. some areas expecting up to 30 inches of snow. i think it's clear now that god is punishing us for "jersey shore," right? we're sorry. some weather reporters are
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predicting what they call a snow hurricane, which i don't think exists. i have never heard of it. i think i saw it on the cocktail menu at tgi fridays once. meanwhile, the americans best qualified to get through a hurricane of snow are all in the olympics right now. it's been a big ratings booster for nbc. seven of the top eight watched hours of television were olympic events. tv analysts attribute it to canada being close to the u.s., so, we're in similar time zones, and also the way nbc has handled the broadcasts. they have a lot of great broadcasters, al michaels, bob costas. i have to think the biggest factor has been the new opening theme song. ♪ ♪ white people in leotards ♪ white people in leotards ♪ skiing, skating, working
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hard ♪ ♪ white people in leotards ♪ see them racing in skin tight suits ♪ ♪ with their white guy fannies looking mighty cute ♪ ♪ white people on skis ♪ right here on nbc >> jimmy: like "monday night football." nicely done, cleto. i hope sarah palin doesn't get mad we used the word "leotards." one of the highlights last night was korean skater who set a new world record for most time blowing nose on network television. here it is. >> final words from her coach, and the two-time silver medalist competing for television. >> jimmy: still going. still in there.
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still going. did we really need to see 15 seconds of that? when i watch the olympics, i want to see athletes going for gold, not digging for it. but -- when you have a cold, there's nothing you can do. the olympics have actually been a bit of a disappointment for canada. they are currently fifth in the medal count. they were hoping to win more medals than anybody else. they launched, i don't know why they did this. they launched $100 million ad campaign called "own the podium," which would encourage the athletes to win, which i think they want to do anyway, right? unfortunately they are now 14 medals behind the united states and resigned to the fact that they will not own the podium. now, they have a new slogan they are trying out, eat our shorts, netherlands. it's all about managing expectations. the united states team manages surpri surprise gold medal in men's figure skating. all i can think of when i watch
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this is, where can i get one of those outfits? i went to macy's, marshall's, ross, nobody has them. i guess they're sold out because they're so popular. fortunately, there's a new product that can help people like me and you design your own custom skating outfit at home. >> are you tired of that same old borning unitard. looking for a way to wow the judges? introducing the sparkle pal. here's how it works. simply load the cannon, roll on the adhesive, push the button, and preston, you are a bedazzled boitano. that's not all. let the sparkle pal jazz up blue jeans. gussy up grandpan. and even decorate your pets. the sparkle pal. used by american ice prancer johnny weir. order now and get this 14 karat electroplated cod piece free. >> jimmy: that seems like a
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value. only one hamster, by the way, was killed during that commercial. i want to make that clear. last night, the figure skating got beat in the ratings by "american idol." when it comes to sexually confused men in tight shirts, we would rather watch sea crest and simon than olympians. the guys sang tonight, and most of them were just terrible. four people will go home tomorrow night and in only 19 weeks, we will crown the next whatever the name of the guy who won last year was. in washington, d.c. today, congress held more hearsings with the executives of toyota. the secretary of transportation, the guy named ray lahood gave his account of how the government handled this situation and was forced to explain why the administrator was not going to testify. >> you'll see that david strickland is to the right of the screen and he is over the transportation secretary's left
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shoulder, so, he's in the room, he's just not testifying today. we've been told it's because he's only been on the job for about six weeks or so, so, let's get to that exchange now, between representative burton and the transportation secretary, ray lahood. >> mr. strickland's been on the job 40 days. i've been on the job about 13 months. i'm not going to have our m administrat administrator, who has been on the job 40 days appear. look, i'm taking responsibility for this. >> yeah, and also, i'm a little bit drunk. yeah! toyota. >> jimmy: that's -- striking similarity. akio toyoda, the president of the company, came in from japan to testify. this is a big deal, because this guy, toyoda, with a d, is a
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notoriously private person. there aren't any photos of his family in public. he rarely checks his facebook account. he came to apologize, and i think he even offered to kill himself with a sword. fortunately, the house oversight committee talked him over that. they had some trouble communicating today. [ speaking japanese ] >> i'm trying to find out -- is that a yes or a no? >> jimmy: i guess that all depends upon whether or not you speak japanese. because of the language barrier, toyoda was forced to bring in a surrogate to apologize for him, who wisely kept it short and sweet. >> i am so sorry. >> jimmy: you know, once the apology ball starts rolling, it's very hard to stop.
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[ applause ] well, it's no secret, just -- you can tell by looking at me that obesity is a problem in the united states. obesity kills millions of people every year, primarily fat people. but overeating can save lives. this is from atlantic city today. it's a story that may turn conventional wisdom about healthy living on its head. >> a woman says being overweight saved her life when she was shot. 35-year-old samantha lynn frazier of florida was shot saturday as she was entering a bar. the bullet intedded for a man nearby struck her in the left side. but she says her love handles, or extra weight, prevented the bullet from seriously injuring her. the incident is making her rethink her goal of slimming down. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you know what, that is a message. i'll tell you something -- the incident is also making me rethink my holiday card for this year.
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i'm thinking of going with this. merry christmas, from the kimmels. we're very much in love. the octo-mom was on "the view" this morning. she went to new york -- imagine getting on a plane and the octo-mom is next to you with 14 screaming children. it would be bad. anyway, it would appear that she and the barbara bunch had a very good time together. [ laughter ] >> that's a crazy laugh, girl. >> jimmy: yes it is, indeed. former vice president dick cheney was released from the hospital today after being treated for a mild heart attack. his fifth heart attack. next one's free. something weird happened in the hospital. when they put the e leg troelds on him for the ekg, he yelled "stop, i'll tell you everything
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you want to know." doctors have sent him home with strict instructions not to watch "keeping one the kardashians" anymore. this is strange. the dally lama, you know, the bald guy. he's now on twitter. the dalai lama, larry king and mt. rushmore all have twitter accounts before me. i consider that a victory, i really do. today, he got to figure out what tee la tequila had for breakfast. this has been a really tough week for buddhism, between this and tiger woods' apology. let's not get into that. boy, what -- a special treat today for stoners who stay home to watch "one life to live" every afternoon. "one life to live" got a special visit from a certain d-o--g-g. >> i know all about you and little "d." she gonna be at the cat. you coming?
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>> can i bring somebody else? she's kind of new to town. >> you know, it's actually a school night. i don't think it's such a good idea. >> is little b getting fs? >> no, of course not. >> then don't say no. no-ra. >> jimmy: no-ra. good -- really good actor. how did this happen? remember when snoop dogg used to kill people? i'd like to see him get back to that. i want to congratulate oscar name knee gary busey and his girlfriend lucy who together had a baby boy yesterday. they named him luke sampson busey. and gary says he's excited. of course, gary is always excited. who wouldn't be excited about welcoming another busey into the world. he's going to be a great dad. he's 65. and the olds that he'll still be around to graduate high school are similar to the chances that the lions will play the knicks
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in the world series, so -- we put together a gift for baby busey. a time capsule, if you will. something he can watch and learn from his dear old dad for many years to come. >> you know, a good way to keep boring away is just honking geese. even if they're not there. honk! [ applause ] >> jimmy: father goose. one more thing. on a similar topic, tracy morgan, you know him, from "30 rock" and "saturday night live." he has a movie coming out on friday called "copout" and he is a funny guy, and i'm sure people will love seeing him the movie. i happen to know that tracy's first love is music. tracy and i got together last week and laid down some tracks, that's what we call it. and this is something we put together for gary busey and all the new parents out there. i know it's late at night but
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turn the volume all the way up on your television sets at home. this is the world premiere of the hot new single from my man tray-mo, tracy morgan. enjoy. ♪ >> i'm about to get down to business. ♪ picked up my man jimmy around 9:00 ♪ ♪ at the club ♪ 9:30 ♪ shorty in my eye line ♪ sneaked up ♪ rub that behind ♪ the tummy's too tight ♪ you know that i know that you know i bay lady if you let me get that uterus impregnated ♪ ♪ i wrooef in miracles ♪ let's get you impregnated ♪ you can be my octo-mom ♪ i can be your dad ♪ surely you can bring some friends ♪ ♪ you get them impregnated ♪ time is running out
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♪ i take a brown and a blond ♪ i got the knees on my seat ♪ you can get in my car ♪ line it up ♪ keep it moving ♪ i don't want it to end ♪ i'm the man to befriend ♪ i'm not the type of lover ♪ i'm a one with the gun ♪ i put a baby in you ♪ i'm gonna put a baby in you ♪ i put miracles of babies in you ♪ ♪ i would have liked to put a bay bay in you ♪ ♪ girl ♪ you about to get some babies in you ♪ ♪ whether i like it or not ♪ i and i like it ♪ a lot ♪ i believe in miracles ♪ to see you ovulating ♪ too much room now ♪ let's get you impregnated ♪ you can be my octo-mom ♪ i can be your deca dad ♪ surely you can bring some friends ♪ ♪ you can get impregnated ♪ yeah you're going to get it
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baby inside of you tonight ♪ ♪ ♪ oh yeah ♪ find a good ob-gyn for you baby ♪ ♪ for your baby >> jimmy, come on, get in the car. we have to go get some girls pregnant. tonight! [ applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to tracy for that gift. on the show tonight, from "little mess piss perfect, michael galanes. comedian dana gould is with us. and we'll be right back with andy garcia, so, stick around. everyone, listen up.
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>> jimmy: hi there. welcome back. we got quite a show for you tonight. a -- just a delightful
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individual whom you may know from the show "little miss perfect." this is a sample of michael's work. ♪ little miss perfect pageant ♪ where all her dreams come true snsz little miss perfect pageant ♪ ♪ where the special one is you >> jimmy: i hope he sings to me tonight. i really do. so, michael will be here, and later on a very funny man. you can see him at the alliance for children's rights benefit on march 15th at the catalina jazz club here in los angeles, dana gould from the bud light golden wheat comedy stage. tomorrow, gordon ramsey, from "big love," ginnifer goodwin, and music from vv brown. you know our first guest from "the untouchables", from the "oceans 11," "12" and "13." his new movie, called "city island" opens in new york and l.a. and march 19th.
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please welcome andy garcia. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i apologize for the fist bump. i don't want to make you sick, you know? >> i hear you. >> jimmy: how is everything? >> everything is great, i feel fantastic. >> jimmy: this morning you were in phoenix playing in a golf tournament. >> i was playing with george lopez at the waste management open. >> jimmy: the waste management open. that's -- they should work on the title of that one. and were you playing in filth, in garbage? >> it was beautiful. i got there and the media is there, so, you forget, we're going to go play golf but you are going, other there's press there. >> jimmy: it's different. >> what do you think about playing in the waste management open. >> well, i'm properly wasted, thank you very much.
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>> jimmy: well, you have to be. it a requirement. >> it is. we came prepared. >> jimmy: you won that pebble beach celebrity tournament. >> many years ago, yes. >> jimmy: who is the biggest cheat of all the celebrity golfers? i hear about guys that cheat, they'll say their handicap is something -- who is number one on the cheat list? >> there's one guy that i just can't say. >> jimmy: really? but you have him in mind? >> there's definitely one guy -- >> jimmy: is he an actor? >> i can't say. >> jimmy: is he -- you can't tell us if he's an actor or not? >> some people do play golf in a loose way. >> jimmy: i'm going to find out who this guy is. >> some people just don't care. they just play and they go, you know, that's -- >> jimmy: like me. i don't care. >> that's enough for me. >> jimmy: i play once every 18 months. i played down in palm springs with george lopez and the next day in the paper it said, move over charles barkley, there's a new worst celebrity golfer ever. i said, i don't need this.
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>> to help out a friend. >> jimmy: it's a charity thing, and you can't win. you really can't. >> you forget that the cameras are watching. >> jimmy: i made everyone in the gallery turn around when i teed off and i hit the ball eight feet and it is just terrible and humiliating. it really is. you've been all over the place. you were just in miami recording the spanish version of "we are the world." >> yes. >> jimmy: same song? >> same song, just, up know, different lyrics. >> jimmy: who is in this version? >> every spanish person who has ever carried a tune. >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: guillermo was not invited to be in this. >> well, like i said, who carried a tune. >> jimmy: he can -- >> i don't sing. >> jimmy: yes, you do, guillermo. you do what i tell you. >> oh, okay. >> jimmy: he sings. >> sings now. >> jimmy: just keep him in mind if there's a sequel. you play the bonn gogos? >> i play percussion and sing in
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the background. it's going to frpreprooer on univision and you can download it. >> jimmy: was it fun to be apart of? >> it was properly wasted. >> jimmy: you were properly wasted. i think that's how the people of haiti would have wanted it. now, have you been watching the olympics? >> yes, i have. i watch it every night with my son and -- >> jimmy: how old is your son? >> he's 8. >> jimmy: does he like it? what does he enjoy watching? >> he likes the skiing and the snowboarding and last night we were watching the nice ladies in the figure skating. >> jimmy: pretending to be interested in the beauty of the sport. does he snowboard and do that stuff? >> we're going tomorrow, tomorrow's friday, right? >> jimmy: no, thursday. >> tomorrow's friday -- >> jimmy: it's a waste management thing. >> you know, there is a bar downstairs. so, but -- i took him last year to mammoth. we're going to go on friday and on the way home in the car, he
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said, papi, i want to move to mammoth. >> jimmy: he wants to move there? >> i'll look into community theater there, maybe i can -- >> jimmy: does he like shaun white -- >> yeah, all that, yeah. >> jimmy: you have to watch that sort of thing. kids, they start snowboarding, next thing is drugs. it's -- it's a gateway sport. you know how they say sports keep kids off drugs? that one doesn't. that one puts them right on drugs. >> thanks for the warning. i'll let you know tuesday, by the way. >> jimmy: i enjoyed the movie. i thought it was really good. funny and suspensiususpenseful y funny throughout. and your daughter is in the movie. she does a great job. >> yes, thank you. >> jimmy: but this is what i can't really explain to myself. you're a producer on the film. your daughter plays your daughter and, well, i don't want to ruin it -- she also has another job in the movie. >> yeah, she's a pole dancer,
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yeah. >> jimmy: a pole dancer and not one of those olympic pole dancers. the shiny poles. >> i did not cast her in the movie. >> jimmy: you wanted to kill him, right? >> exactly. he didn't make it through the shoot. >> jimmy: were you there when -- >> no, no, she said that she didn't want me on the set that day and so, in order not to be tempted, i left the state. >> jimmy: yeah. doesn't seem like you would want to be there, either, necessarily, during that time. >> no, no. >> jimmy: she's not naked or anything like that. >> she's a great actress, and we're very proud of her. she -- i have total trust in her. >> jimmy: all the actors did a great job in the movie. it's about this area i had never known about -- >> city island outside of bronx. >> jimmy: i never heard of it. it's an island that's part of the bronx? >> yeah. and the people say, we're not from the bronx, we're from city island. >> jimmy: yeah, sure, nobody
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wants to be where they are from. >> it's great. alan arkin, my daurgter, ezra miller -- >> jimmy: very funny. we have a clip from the movie. >> oh, school. >> jimmy: you might need to set it up a little bit. >> ah -- i in the process of the movie, i'm going to bring my son home which i discover in prison, i work as a prison guard and i discover a son that i never knew, through a girlfriend i had. so i decide to bring him home because he's on provisional parole but i don't want to tell my family that this is my boy or tell my boy that i am the father. so, i'm trying to kind of get a dinner together to welcome him with julianna, who plays my wife, trying to get her to, you know, prepare something nice. >> jimmy: take a look. >> i was thinking that being it's saturday nigh, vivian's here, why don't we have big home cooked dinner tonight, big, nice and big. >> yeah, sure. like i do every saturday night. >> yeah, but like, you know, something special. like for a real special
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occasion, something special? something nice? >> you want balloons or something? >> no, i don't want balloons, just something nice. >> when don't i make it nice? >> make something nicer. >> make it yourself! the great communicator. >> jimmy: that's andy garcia in "city island," it opens march 19th in new york and los angeles and elsewhere after that. great to see you. andy garcia. we'll be right back with michael galanes.
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>> jimmy: well, hello and welcome back. dana gould is on the way. if you're convinced that your 4-year-old is just one spray-tan or teased blonde wig away from becoming a future miss america, our next guest is the man to see. he's the pageant director and host of "little miss perfect," tuesday nights at 10:00 on we tv. please say hello to michael galanes. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: i don't want to make you sick. how are you? thank you for coming. >> thank you for having me, jimmy. you and katy perry are my two celebrity watchers that acknowledge the show. >> jimmy: honored to be in that group. >> many rhinestones for you. >> jimmy: that's a good thing? >> amazing thing. we equate them to olympic gold medals. >> jimmy: it looks like your heart is coming out of your jacket right now. >> story behind my rose. i teach modeling classes in florida, and my class before i left, this is one of their swim suit sarongs. it's all this huge routine. so, i told them all that i would make a rose and wear it to all my little miss perfects at home, thank you so much for supporting me. i love you guys. >> jimmy: you are wearing a little girl's swim suit on your chest? >> i am. and it feels right. >> jimmy: most people would be arrested for something like that.
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now, explain what it is exactly that you do, because -- you're the pageant director, the host and a coach of the girls. >> i'm everything, jimmy. >> jimmy: what do you do when you coach a girl? somebody calls you, say, hey, we'd like you to come over. our daughter is ugly, we need you to -- >> what i think is really interesting with the show is, when a woman gives birth to a child, she loses that objectivity gene and it's nice to see that every family there thinks their daughter going to win. >> jimmy: it's true. >> it's exciting to get a professional opinion. teach them to walk. learning how to answer a question on stage. learning how to perfect. and we have this category called wow wear, which is really pretty cool. miss america has the talent portion and miss universe and america's perfect teen has the swim suit competition, but we have this competition called wow wear. it's three words, the parents, little girls that are paratis baiting. get three wows. simply wow the judges.
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they can bring in their talents. if they are a singer, a dancer, a really good model, we've had anything, the range of wow wear competitors. >> jimmy: these kids are not talented at all. >> i disagree. one of my very first winners appeared on broadway. she was in "ruthless" and britney spears was her understudy. people who are on broadway are generally talented. >> jimmy: you made my point. that's true. 99% of them are not talented. they're marching around and doing this and they are singing terribly because they're little girls. >> i disagree. i wish you would come to one of the events, sit front row and watch. every little girl is such an amazing -- they're evolving. >> jimmy: not all of them. >> i have so many great success stories to share. >> jimmy: i bet you do. and occasionally, there are -- most of the kids, it's weird. they have their mother, who is, for some reason, their mother thinks -- >> their mother loves them. >> jimmy: but their moms --
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seems like something went south for them in their lives. >> oh. >> jimmy: and now -- >> i think you are sitting in judgment. you need to be there and expe exexperience the joy. this is not my first or second time at the rodeo. this is 17 years. >> jimmy: you've been doing this for a long time. >> i'm at a point in my career where these first-time contestants are bringing their daughters back. what better testimony to these pageants and to myself to see that the journey continues with daughters. i've had girls to go on to win miss america and girls become an attorney at law. a really good story, one of my first became an attorney and she wanted me present in the office -- >> jimmy: gloria allred. >> no, not sure. her name was penny. and she wanted me present when they put her name on the door because her involvement in pa j pageants helped her in school. >> jimmy: it seems like they are being turned into, like,
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miniature hookers. right? >> again -- again, jimmy, i think you need to come and be apart of the show and see all of -- >> jimmy: i think it would be worse if i came and saw what was going on. >> i disagree. >> jimmy: what's the first thing you teach a girl when you get a girl? what is the first thing, when you coach a kid. what is the first thing you will work on? >> it's important, like any performer, if she's on broadway or dancing, to be comfortable on stage. we get a stage and learn certain walking patterns so she feels comfortable. >> jimmy: show us what a walking pattern -- >> if you do it with me. >> jimmy:ry do ri will do it w. [ applause ] where do i stand? >> jimmy: so, mr. kimmel, if this perfect audience -- >> you mean little mr. perfect. >> jimmy: where all your dreams come true. you position your front foot to the center judge. right or left. and bring it right in here and hold.
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and then when you're here, you simply want to step, step, turn. and step, step, turn. and i do believe that even with ten years training, mr. kimmel, you would be my first runner up. >> jimmy: i don't think there's any chance to be able to do that. do it slower. >> front foot, take a step with the front foot. step, step, turn. and step, step, turn. [ applause ] >> smile, smile. >> jimmy: not bad at all. well, thank you for being here. little miss perfect, you can watch it on we-tv at 10:00 on tuesday nights. michael galanes, everybody. we'll be right back with dana gould. how it feels to chew 5 gum.
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( wind blowing ) ( leaves crunching ) ( metal clanking, engine revving ) ( wind blowing ) a wintermint flavor that warms... and cools as you chew. 5 gum. stimulate your senses.
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oh, ah-ha. honey, do you feel... the instacool sensation -- yes, mom. thank you, mrs. wagner. you're welcome, sweetheart. [ pepto guy ] have a great date, everybody. [ male announcer ] new pepto-bismol chewables with instacool. yup, you're covered.
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♪ any, any, any to thank you for making subway $5 footlongs famous, we're making any regular footlong a $5 footlong. join the celebration. kelly: who will become the next supermodelquin? this week all jeans are 19 bucks. heather: but whose bum will make them look like a million? kelly: vanessa... kelly: (over footage) here, you rocked the new skinny jeans ook., heather: but you also rocked on your mannequin stand. kelly: please hand in your stand. josh: all me!
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>> jimmy: you know our next guest from his comedy specials on hbo, showtime and comedy central. on march 15th, you can see him live raising money for good reasons at the right to laugh benefit at the catalina jazz club in hollywood. please welcome dana gould. [ applause ] >> thank you very much. thank you very much. these are the times i wish i, like, had some jokes or something.
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have you ever dated a goth chick for like four, five months before you realized she was just an orthodox jew? what do you mean who's the cure? i know this is a national show but i do have a local question. just indulge me. out there on hollywood boulevard, across the street, the super heroes that pose for photos -- is it a wet homeless guy playing spider-man or a regular guy playing wet homeless spider-man? very good friend of mine is getting married next week and i gave him the advice that i said. fight with your wife a lot. it's really true. like, when i got married, i had to learn how to fight. because i'm very nonconfrontational person.
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i don't like conflict. and my whole approach to marriage was really simple, actually. my wife will do something that drives me insane. i won't say anything. and then, later, i'll die of cancer. you can't do that. you have to get in there. and then you have kids that changes everything. what i find is weird about having kids isn't even so much the things that i say that i never, ever thought i would say. but the things that i say in white knuckled rage. i'll pretend i'm a kitten when you finish your juice! i almost killed my family once driving down the freedway. nobody likes shrek anymore than anybody else! and then when you do have kids you meet this person who is my favorite person. now, listen, i don't have kids, but i know exactly what you're going through. because my cat is just like a kid.
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really? when was the last time you laid awake at 4:00 in the morning because you were beating yourself up over saying something that might make your cat grow up to be a stripper? [ applause ] that was -- look at her up there. i should have just bought her that scratch post. that's the physical part. we have -- i don't have cats. we have four dogs. we have an illegal number of dogs, i believe. we had three dogs and then the dog that we wanted to die the least died -- i know. so, we replaced him with two dogs because he was just that good. but one of the dogs, scott, sits on the couch, he's a little yappy dog that i never thought i would have, and he just sits on
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the couch and stares out the window and he is completely happy, but if any other dog walks by the window, it's -- [ barking ] completely happy. i two to my wife, the dog is insane. we have to replace scott. and she's like, no, he's just a dog. it's not true. because if it was a person, you know, you'd be just like standing around a party and some guy would come up. yeah, hey, i was over at ken and janet's house. you know that ken built, like, a deck much their kitchen, you know the kitchen is on the second floor. ken built this beautiful deck that goes -- hey! hey! i'll kill you. i'll kill you. i will kill you. i will kill you. i will kill you.
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i will kill you! i will kill you! i will kill you. i will kill you. i'm going to kill you. i will kill you. i will kill you. i will kill you. i will kill you. i will -- anyway, it's like cedar, and if if you ever smelled that stuff. that's all she wrote. thank you very much. there you go. >> jimmy: dana gould, everybody. we'll be right back.
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