tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC December 23, 2011 12:00am-1:05am EST
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back, everybody. my first guest, one of the funniest young actors working today. he was just nominated for the screen actors guild award and a a golden globe for his role opposite brad pitt in the movie "moneyball." this is the best performance of his career. he just does a wonderful, wonderful job. please welcome jonah hill! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jay: good to see you, pal. >> how's it going? >> jay: you look like my accountant.
how are you? >> yeah. i am your accountant. >> jay: i was going to say -- >> yeah. >> jay: how are you doing? everything good? >> everything's great. this has been the most surreal, insane, amazing week or two ofmy life. you know, obviously, all of these nominations -- >> jay: yeah. >> -- and i moved into a new house that i've been building for two years. >> jay: you moved out of your parents' house? >> i moved out of my parents' house. [ cheers ] yeah. >> jay: well, have you moved out yet? >> so, i got that going for me. >> jay: you're actually out of your parents' house? >> i live in a house that i own now. >> jay: wow. >> it's really great. yeah, i don't live with my parents anymore. so -- [ light laughter ] >> the amazing thing is though, he didn't used to live there, but for some reason i get morgan freeman's mail now. [ light laughter ] i don't know why. >> jay: why? >> i've been getting morgan freeman's mail. >> jay: i mean, do people mistake -- i don't even see how that would happen. >> well, we look exactly alike -- >> jay: yeah, i was going to say -- >> -- but other than that.
i don't know why, this happens, but it does. >> jay: do you read it? >> yeah. yeah, i read it. >> jay: wow, so you do. [ laughter ] >> i open it and read it. it's super illegal. >> jay: wow. that is illegal. you can't open somebody else's mail. >> no, no, i open it right away and read it. >> jay: really? >> and i feel bad, because a a lot of times it's people who are like his biggest fan. it's like, mr. freeman, you know, changed my life or whatever and i feel bad. so, sometimes i write back. [ laughter ] >> jay: wow. >> yeah. i'm, like, yes, it was great. when we were making "shawshank," we had so much f >> jay: wow, wow, wow. that's -- that's pretty sleazy. >> yeah it is. [ laughter ] no, i'm an awful person. >> jay: yeah. >> yeah, yeah. >> jay: now, you just had a a birthday this week. you turned 28. >> yeah. yeah. >> jay: 28 and moved out. wow. [ cheers ] >> yes, it's been a -- >> jay: let me ask you, i want to go back to the house for a a minute. does your mom still doing your laundry or are you doing your laundry? >> who says i do laundry? >> jay: yeah, exactly. do you take it over? you do, you, you take it over
to mom's house. >> no, i do it. yeah. i do it, yeah. >> jay: you do it yourself? >> my mom do [ light laughter ] >> jay: all right. remember, you are under oath when you sit down c >> okay once in a whil mom to do it. >> jay: one in a while. >> let's not make a big de that. >> jay: so, do you feel 28? what's it like? >> it's -- it's amazing. i don't know. it's cool. i feel -- i feel like i doing -- i'm doing what i should be doing at 28. >> jay: okay. >> yeah, you know? i don't know. >> jay: so, what did you do for your birthday? >> we had a party -- >> jay: okay. >> -- last night, actually. >> jay: all right. >> which is wh >> jay: yeah. were you partying prett >> not too crazy. >> jay: yeah. >> a lot of dancing. >> jay: yeah. do you danc >> yeah. i -- >> jay: really? >> yeah. >> jay: wow. >> i'm not going to dance for you. [ laughter ] >> jay: no? [ cheers ] >> i'm not going to. >> jay: you are a good dancer? [ cheers ] you know, let me tell you something -- >> you can try -- you can try -- >> jay: let me tell you something -- [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm not going to do it. ♪ [ cheers ]
♪ [ cheers ] ♪ >> i don't know why this happened. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: of course not. >> i don't know why this happened. i don't know why this happened. [ laughter ] >> jay: let me tell you something. when you go on tv -- >> you're not supposed to acknowledge this. [ laughter ] >> jay: when you go on tv and you tell an audience i am an amazing dancer. what do you think will happen? >> that was not planed. i realized the minute i said that, oh i'm going to have to awkwardly dance with jay leno. >> jay: that's right. >> i don't even know why i did that. >> jay: it's taking responsibility for what you say. >> it's true. i just learned a hard life lesson. [ laughter ] never tell jay leno you were an amazing dancer because you're going to have to do it. >> jay: and that was a hard life lesson for me as well. >> yes, yes. you were great, though. >> jay: yeah, i'm really good. [ laughter ] >> very sexy dancer. >> jay: thank you. thank you. any big surprises for your birthday was there anything you went oh, i don't have one of these or any of these or anything? >> um, no. [ light laughter ] we've been doing a lot of this
"money ball" stuff, you know? >> jay: right. >> and was -- it's been great. so, we do a lot of these q and as and stuff. and one of them, that night i was doing on and bennett miller our amazing director and my co-star in "money ball" and -- and brad took me out to dinner afterwards. >> jay: brad took you to dinner? >> after the q & a for my birthday at midnight, and bennet and brad and myself and our friend catherine keener came. >> jay: okay. >> and it was a really great dinner. we had a really nice time. and except -- well, brad is like the biggest gentleman of all time. >> jay: right. >> he's just the nicest greatest guy, and he always pays for dinner and stuff if we ever do anything like that. >> jay: right. >> so, i wanted to be, yeah this -- i guess this was the other night, i don't know in that photo. and that's our friend bennett. >> jay: is that -- >> bennett that directed "moneyball" that guy in the little -- that little guy slivered out of [ laughter ] >> jay: is that santana's? >> he's a genius. yeah. that's santana's. >> jay: oh i love -- that's my fav >> me too. >> jay: yeah, yeah. >> it's a good restaurant. >> jay: so, he paid. >> we should go there and dance some time together. >> jay: all r [ laughter ]
>> so i was, like, it's my birthday. this guy has done so much for my career. he's been so lovely to me. i'm going to pay for dinner this time, i'm my credit ca and i'm kind of not paying attention. i figure people are goin order some salad or s and i just see brad go bottle of wine then we drink it at table. another bottle of wine. >> jay: right. >> drink it at the table. and i guess he was ordering like crazy expensive bottles thinking he was paying for it. >> jay: right. >> because didn't know i was going to be paying for it, and i couldn't get out of it now. [ laughter ] >> jay: right. yeah, so -- >> and so, i ended up spending like a bunch of money on dinner. >> jay: wow. >> and i'm not as rich as brad pitt is, so i coul really like -- >> jay: yeah, yeah, yeah. >> you know, i'm goi in trouble. >> jay: how much was the dinner, tell me? >> i'm not going to tell you. >> jay: tell me how mu8ch it wa >> it was expens >> jay: was it was more than $1,500? >> i'm not going to tell you. i'm not going to tell you. >> jay: wow. [ laughter ] and did your card cover it? >> yeah. >> jay: did you have to go for -- >> i'm moving back in with my parents no >> jay: that's right. exactly. exactly. [ laughter and applause ] all right. more with jonah when we c back right after th [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: welcome back. i'm talking with jonah hill. you have a couple of nominations including a golden globe for "moneyball." i must say, you were really terrific. you know, i've seen you in all these comedies and to make this transition -- [ cheers and applause ] -- you know, like -- -- and you're with the biggest movie star in the world. and you're holding your own, and you're really, really good. so, i think this nomination is well deserved. >> thank you. >> jay: tell me about -- where were you when you got the news. what happened? >> i have to start by saying, like, the fact that i'm nominated for a sag award, a a golden globe award for best supporting actor in a drama is just so humbling and so shocking, and i'm so appreciative. this week has been the most --
>> jay: yeah. >> -- insane week of my life, and i didn't want to -- i don't like to -- i am so humbled by this, i don't expect to be nominated for awards. >> jay: right. okay. >> that's an arrogant attitude, to like, expect to be nominated for awards. but, i want to -- i didn't know the nominations were coming out until the sag awards came out and my publicist, matt told me i got nominated for a sag award. it was crazy, and then my phone started exploding right after he called me. because i guess they came out. people were calling me. and then i didn't realize, they told me the next day golden globe nominations were going to be announced. so, i didn't want to go anywhere near my phone, because i'm like, i'm not going to get nominated for a golden globe i'm just going to go about my day. whatever. [ laughter ] so, i was completely in the nude brushing my teeth getting ready for work. >> jay: let's get that visual picture if we could. [ laughter ] >> well, i can kind of show you what it looked like. [ laughter ] so -- and my friend luke calls me and he's, like, jonah,
you've been nominated for a a golden globe. and i -- and he said it like -- like someone had been taken hostage or something. >> jay: right. [ laughter ] >> and i was like, listen, man. i'm getting ready for work. i don't have time, if you're joking around, like, this isn't funny. i'm going to beat you up next time i see you. >> jay: wow. and he was like, seriously, you were nominated for a golden globe. and i was like, if you are messing with me, this is like the unfunniest joke. i'm late. i'm naked. leave me alone. [ laughter ] >> jay: right. >> he's like, i wouldn't joke around. i'm serious. and, i started freaking out and screaming. and then my phone again, like -- it's been i feel like i had a kid or got married or something because people were calling me like, you know sending me things. i mean, it's truly a beautiful, shocking experience. very surreal. [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: now, you're a big laker fan. >> i'm a die hard laker fan, yeah. [ cheers ] >> jay: show that picture with you -- now that's a pretty -- look at jack looks thrilled. >> yeah. that's me and adam levine. >> jay: yeah, adam levine.
>> who i grew -- i grew up with. our dads are best friends from high school and my brother is his manager. >> jay: now, how do you get the seat next to jack? >> those were adam's seats. he's a rock star, so he got those seats. and then they -- i -- i for some reason, when the cool picture was taken happened to be sitting next to jack. that was pretty awesom >> jay: now jack look like he's pulling away from you there. >> no, i'm pretty sure he didn't even know he didn't say anything to us, and then as the game was ending he just went, having fun? and i was like, this is the coolest thing i've ever seen in my life. [ laughter ] i'm mean he's, "the cuckoo's nest" is like one of my favorite movies. >> jay: well, i got you a a birthday gift. >> what is it? >> jay: this is the jersey. this is the actual jersey that chris wore -- >> great. [ laughter ] >> jay: because you know, the clippers are probably going to beat the lakers this season! [ cheers and applause ] >> i think -- i think chris paul is an amazing basketball player. i am truly a fan, and i think it is such a mistake to not -- for him to not be on the lakers. >> jay: really? really? >> yeah. [ cheers ] and i predict a lot of l.a. fans, because i'm borderline
los angeles, angelina, so i grew up as a lakers fan. i'm predicting now that the clippers have won two games against the lakers, if they start winning some games against the lakers, that lakers fans are going to jump ship. some lakers fans will jump ship to clippers fans. not me. i would not like your jersey. i appreciate this. [ cheers ] >> jay: wow, wow. >> i'm a huge -- i think he's an astounding basketball player. i think he's a legend in the making. i just -- i wouldn't -- if i put that on, i'd be a fair weather fan, and i'm not going to be that kind of fan. [ whistling ] [ cheers ] i have much respect though. >> jay: well, let's show a clip from your -- and i predict you may win this golden globe. you really do a wonderful job in "moneyball." >> i'm very proud of this film. >> jay: what's happening in this scene? >> in this scene, i am -- brad is giving me -- brad's -- brad pitt's character, billy beane is giving me two options of something and here is my answer. >> jay: okay, here it is. "moneyball." >> let's practice. >> no. >> yeah. i'm a player and you have to cut me from the roster.
go. >> no. >> what do you mean no? >> no. >> it's part of the job, man. >> well i shouldn't have -- i'm not going to do this. i don't -- i think this is stupid. i'm not going to fire anybody, and this is dumb. >> they're professional ballplayers. just be straight with them. no fluff, just facts. pete, i've got to let you go. jack's office will handle the details. >> that's it? really? would you rather get a bullet to the head, or five to the chest and bleed to death? >> are those my only two options? [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jay: jonah, good luck, my friend. >> thank you very much. thank you. >> jay: all right. we'll be right back with chris paul right after this! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ here ...this is my world. this place inspires me... ...to be tougher... ...to stay sharper...
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: all righty. [ cheers and applause ] my next guest is going to come out and kick the ass of my first guest. [ laughter ] he is an nba all-star, olympic gold medalist and a new resident of los angeles. last week he was part of a a blockbuster trade that moved him to the west coast. from your los angeles clippers, please welcome chris paul! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jay: well, welcome to los angeles, my friend. >> why, thanks. i'm happy to be here. >> jay: now, how do you like your new hometown? >> love it. >> jay: yeah? >> love it. the traffic is brutal. >> jay: yeah, well -- [ laughter ] >> brutal. but i'm loving it. i'm a long way from home, too. >> jay: yeah. about as far as you can get. >> yeah. no question. no question. >> jay: any culture shock? one of the things -- >> the traffic. yeah, the traffic. [ laughter ] i mean, in new orleans, for the past six years, i've been two minutes away from the arena. >> jay: yeah. >> for the games. >> jay: yeah. >> and ten minutes away from practice. so this is like messing up my whole nap and everything. like, i usually take a -- [ laughter ] >> jay: wow. >> i usually take a pre-game nap everyday. now i have to take it, like, an hour and a half and leave at a a different time than i used to. >> jay: boy, life's a bitch, isn't it? >> it is, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jay: yeah. man, i had no idea it was so hard for you. oh, man. i feel terrible now! you missed your nap!
oh, man! >> what am i going to do without my nap? >> jay: now, this trade happened like -- like that. did you even have a time to -- i mean, it was, like, boom! >> no, no. the trade happened and i was at home. and i left at 5:00 a.m. the next morning. me and my brother got on a a plane, flew here to l.a. i haven't seen my son since the tra i packed two bags, one full of clothes and one full of shoes. [ laughter ] >> jay: and your nap pillow. you got to bring that. >> yeah. i got to -- i got to bring that. so -- >> jay: now, you almost went to the lakers. for a lot of people -- [ laughter ] look, he's all -- >> jonah: i was as excited that you were coming to the lakers as i was excited to get nominated for a gol >> no, way. >> jonah: yes, i was. [ applause ] my friends and i were freaking out on the p >> well, you can -- you can be just as excited about the clipp >> jonah: yes. [ cheers a i'm excited for you that you're >> i'm very happy. >> jon been so cool. >> no. this is so cool. >> jonah: okay. [ laughter and applause >> jay: i mean -- tell people -- because for people that don't really understand how this works, you were supposed to go
to the lakers and then, boom. it's the clippers. >> there were trades and different things that took place, but it all worked out for the best in the end. i am so blessed and fortunate to be in the situation that i'm in. >> jay: yeah. >> and to now clipper is true. >> jay: all right. [ cheers and applause ] now, you beat the lakers twice. >> twice. >> jay: now -- beat them once was a fluke. beat them twice -- ooh, man. >> jonah: it's another fluke. >> jay: no. [ laughter ] >> will i see you at the game when we play the lakers? >> jonah: yes, it's going to be amazing. >> okay, cool. >> jonah: i'm going to b spike lee of -- >> oh, my god. >> jay: just run over there >> i'll take one turnover in that game just to hit you one time with the basketball. [ laughter ] >> jay: well, that's -- yes, yes! >> i'll take one. i'll take one. >> jonah: it'll be earned. it'll be earned. >> jay: now, you're from north carolina. >> born and raised. >> jay: okay. and you worked at an early age. this is my favorite part you. where did you work? >> i worked at a chevron s my grandfather -- my late grandfather, nathanial jones, had the first african-american-owned service
station in n >> jay: wow, that's pretty cool. [ cheers and applause so, did you do -- now, was it -- was it a real -- it wasn't one of those weenie ones at a convenience store? >> no, no, no, no, no, no. >> jay: this was a rea >> it was called jones chevr it was on new walker and there was full-service and there was self-service. so i can change oil. i can rotate tires, whatever you need. i know you got all them cars. >> jay: i may call you. [ laughter ] >> yeah, you need to let me borrow one. i'm getting a car service now. >> jay: yeah. >> i don't have a car and i don't have a house right >> jay: now -- now, you honored your grandfather at your wedding. i thought this was rea tell people about this. >> yes. so i got married this summer. [ cheer thank you. so i got married september 10th. 9-10-11. very special day and part of our wedding reception was a gas station. my grandfather was -- was murdered, as a lot of people know. in making it like he was there, our specialty bar was a service station -- papa chilli's service station. >> jay: oh, that's really nice. oh, that's cool. [ applause ] now, we have a picture of your wedding. well, there. okay, there you go. >> yeah, so at that bar you
could -- my grandfather loved bacardi. so everything at that bar was bacardi, whatever you want. >> jay: yeah. now, tell 'em about this high school game where you scored the 61 points. tell that story. >> yeah. so my senior year of high cool. i committed to going wake forest university my -- i mean, my senior year. and, as i signed a letter of intent, the next day, my grandfather was murdered by five teenagers. so five days later was the first game of my senior year and i scored 61 points. and he was 61 years old when he died. [ applause ] >> jay: i'm sorry about that. well, i want to show a picture of your wedding. show the groom's party. >> what? >> jay: is that lebron? [ light laughter ] >> oh, my goodness. yeah, that's my friend daniele, my boy jay gray, my brother, lebron, pargo -- >> jonah: why did you photoshop me out of the picture? [ laughter ] >> yeah, what -- >> jonah: yeah, i thought it was a weird choice to photoshop me out. >> he was there. he was there.
>> jay: now, something else that amazed me -- you were on "family feud." i love steve harvey. he's a great guy. >> yes, yes. i did "family feud." >> jay: now, why did you do "family feud?" i'm curious. >> my mother. >> jay: oh, oh. she -- >> and this is the thing people don't know about "family feud." i didn't go on "family feud" as chris paul the basketball player. my family auditioned with hundreds of other families. >> jay: oh, really? >> yeah, they -- they had no clue who i was. >> jonah: are you serious? >> they had no clue who i was. we went in new orleans to the -- to the audition, and we at there, like the other families. we went up there and auditioned. they said "we'll call you in six weeks and let you know if you made it." >> jay: yeah. >> and we made it. >> jay: and did you -- did you win? >> about that. >> jay: yeah. [ laughter ] >> we did not win. we did not win. it came down to one final question. you want to know what the question was? >> jay: yeah. >> that question was, "what makes the sound on a car?" on a car.
>> jay: what makes the sound -- >> right, so we said muffler. we said the brakes and different things like that. what would your answers be? >> jay: muffler. engine. >> engine. yeah, that was one. >> jay: horn. >> horn, yeah. the thing that we missed. they said radio. that's in a car. >> jay: that's in the car. >> that's not on a car. >> jay: right, right. >> so the other family stole and we lost. >> jay: wow. [ audience aws ] so at least you're a good loser. that's a nice thing -- >> no, don't say that. i'm not a good loser because i feel it was a trick question. [ laugh >> jay: now, you know, over the years -- and it's part of my tough love policy -- i've done some clipper jokes, hopefully to inspire to inspire the team. >> no, no, no. >> jay [ laughter ] >> no, no. >> jay: i would do t team would watch and g it's tough love. we gotta do this for jay." >> yeah, about that. let's talk about that. i've watched you, okay? [ laughter ] and i've taken notes of a a couple of your jokes. >> jay: oh, okay. >> so let's talk about -- [ cheers ] yeah, yeah. let's talk about -- that's enough of that. that's enough of that. it's enough of those clipper
jokes. you got to bed all that. all right? >> jay: well see, i can't do them now because you're winning. >> enough is enough. we haven't started winning, yet. but, that is the enough is enough. listen. >> jay: go ahead. i feel like i'm in "famil feud." >> this is what you said. > >> this is what you said. >> jonah: this is great. >> "this is depressing. the nba has canceled tw weeks worth of games. you know what that means? this could end up being the clippers' best season ever." [ laughter ] [ audience oohs ] >> jay: what? >> whoa, whoa, this -- this is your game. don't -- don't go anywhere. "we have will ferrell on the show tonight. he is in a new basketball movie called 'semi pro.' it's about the clippers." [ laughter ] >> jay: well, that's good one. that's a good joke. >> no, >> jay: i liked that joke. >> this is the last one. no, cut out the drums. [ laughter ] not that funny. >> jay: aw, come on. >> it's not that funny. [ laughter ] all right. last one. last one. >> jay: last one. >> "the nba playoffs start this weekend. the knicks will be playing the celtics. the grizzlies will be playing the spurs. and the clippers will be playing 'angry birds.'" [ laughter ] >> jay: yeah! yeah!
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: my next guests are three talented tenors from italy. tonight they're performing the holiday classic, "the christmas song." it is from their new cd "christmas favorites," which is available exclusively on amazon.com. please welcome il volo! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ chestnuts roasting on an open fire
♪ merry christmas ♪ ♪ merry christmas to you ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jay: il volo! grazie! grazie! thank you, gentlemen. thank you, guys. thank you, gentlemen. i want to thank my guests, jonah hill, chris paul and il volo. tomorrow night, terry bradshaw will be here. jimmy fallon, happening right now. jimmy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, thank you very much, everybody. how you doing? hey, guys. welcome to "late night --" welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. christmas is almost here, you guys! [ cheers and applause ] i'm excited. this is a nice story. yesterday, president obama bought about $200 worth of christmas presents at best buy. then it got awkward when he asked the geek squad if they fixed economies. [ laughter ] "the new york daily news" reported that obama bought the wii game, "just dance," for his daughters sasha and malia. or in other words, "the new york daily news" just ruined the fun of opening presents for sasha and malia. [ laughter and applause ] [ cheers and applause ] hello! "let me guess. 'just dance'?" [ laughter ] i don't know why they talk like pee wee herman, but they do. [ laughter ] [ as pee wee herman ] "let me guess. 'just dance'?" [ laughter ]
>> steve: "i'm standing just like daddy." >> jimmy: i just saw this. a recent survey found that 40% of parents tell their kids santa isn't real after they turn 8 years old. [ audience aws ] while -- while the rest aren't total liars, right, mom and dad? [ laughter ] [ scattered applause ] santa's real, you guys. [ cheers and applause ] speaking of christmas, this is interesting. a new study found that christmas is the best time to tell loved ones they are overweight. [ laughter ] on the other hand, no, it's not. [ laughter ] what's wrong with people? did you see this? in a new interview, president obama was asked to describe michelle and he used the words "beautiful, smart, and funny." when asked how he picked those, he used the words, "she's sitting right next to me." [ laughter and applause ]
speaking of michelle obama, a wisconsin congressman is facing criticism after saying that michelle has "a large posterior." [ light laughter ] though michelle took it as a compliment when she heard the guy's name -- congressman mix-a-lot. [ laughter and applause ] "oh, my god, becky." ♪ [ laughter ] "look at her posterior." [ laughter ] finally, you guys -- i heard that a white castle in indiana has actually started selling wine and beer. really? you don't go to white castle and get wasted. you get wasted, then you go to white castle. [ cheers and applause ] we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a great show! [ applause ] we have a great show tonight, you guys. first, i wanted to show you this. this is -- we have a new iphone app. look at this. [ cheers ] jimmy -- it's a wake up call. it's an alarm clock basically is all it is. it's not even that special, right? but it's an alarm clock app. it's called "jimmy fallon's wake up call." it's on itunes. i think it's just for the iphone right now. you can get it on the ipad as well, but it's not as good. don't waste your money on the ipad. [ laughter ] just kidding. get it for the phone. but basically what it is, you set the alarm, and i will fake call you and wake you up. [ light laughter ] so -- and there's a bunch of different calls. we have -- look at all these different types of calls you can have. lucky, rise and grind, william tell. what's william tell? ♪ wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up wake up ♪
all right, that's annoying. [ laughter and applause ] but it'll wake you up, right? [ cheers and applause ] all right, here's one. here's another one. this is sensei. this is another one. ♪ it is time my student. [ light laughter ] i can no longer teach you the ways of the sleeping eye. you must now venture into the world like a new baby. now, get out of bed, you baby. [ laughter and applause ] it's super fun. it's 99 cents on itunes. pick it up. "jimmy fallon's wake up call." you guys, we have a big -- fun show tonight. he's a funny and talented guy. he's making his broadway debut in a play called "seminar." jerry o'connell is on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] like that guy. [ applause ] this guy's one of the funniest human beings on the planet. david alan grier is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] he does "porgy and bess" on broadway. plus, we love when it this guy is here. sort of, not really. but he's here anyway.
jeff musial is back. and -- [ cheers and applause ] i guess we got to have him out, right? he brings animals. he has a bunch of animals he's gonna bring out. the guy's a real clown. [ laughter ] anyway, jeff musial's here. >> steve: you didn't like it when he threw the fake snake at you. >> jimmy: it don't like that he's -- once -- he once -- he gagged me. >> steve: oh, right. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: he pulled a gag, a goof. >> steve: a jape? a jest? >> jimmy: yes. [ light laughter ] just a playful jape. >> steve: i think it's -- i think it's one of the funniest jokes of all time. >> jimmy: well, he comes out, and he's a crazy animal guy. he's a lunatic. he's a low life. >> steve: and he had a -- [ laughter ] he had a bunch of venomous snakes. >> jimmy: he had venomous snakes on our show, our program. >> steve: super deadly venomous snakes. >> jimmy: he brought out the snakes. and then this clown throws a snake at me. [ laughter ] and so i freak out like a, you know, like a little girl. i go, "ah!" [ light laughter ] and it's a rubber snake. [ laughter ]
i just don't like him. i don't trust him. i don't like him. [ applause ] i'm kidding. i do like him. he's nuts, though. and oh, my gosh. you guys are in for a treat. it wouldn't be the holidays without them. the one and only, rockettes will be performing for us! [ cheers and applause ] "radio city christmas spectacular." how new york can you get? ah, i'm so excited. it's phenomenal. hey guys, do you guys know what mad libs are? of course. [ cheers ] well, if you don't, it's a game i used to play all the time when i was a kid. it's where you take a story and you fill in some of the nouns, verbs and adjectives with whatever random words you want. it's really fun. and this year, i wanted to combine that with a fallon christmas tradition -- reading "twas the night before christmas." so i enlisted the help of a bunch my friends to fill in the blanks and spice up the story a little. here's our mad libs version of "twas the night before christmas." ♪ >> jimmy: twas the night before christmas when all through the
house, not a creature was stirring. not even a -- >> swiffer. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: stockings were hung by the chimney with care in hopes that -- >> rod carew -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- soon would be there. the children were nestled all snug in their bedswhile visions of -- >> -- sweet and sour shrimp -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- danced in their heads. and momma in her -- >> -- performance suite -- >> jimmy: -- and i in my cap had just settled our brains for a long winter's -- >> crap. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when out on the lawn, there arose such a -- [ bird caws ] i sprang from the bed to see -- >> what it be. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: away to the window, i flew like a -- >> -- virgin -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- and tore open the shutters, and threw up -- >> all over my new loafers. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and what to my wondering eyes should appear? >> but a '71 gremlin -- >> and eight sexy fairies -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: with a little old driver, so sloppy and quick, i
knew in a moment it must be -- >> -- herbert hoover. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: more rapid than -- >> -- yogurt tubes -- >> jimmy: -- his coursers they came. and he -- >> -- sneezed -- >> jimmy: --and he -- >> -- pooped -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: -- and called them by name. now dasher, now -- >> -- spanky -- >> jimmy: -- now -- >> -- gerdy -- >> jimmy: -- and vixen. on -- >> -- fallopia -- >> jimmy: -- on -- >> -- charles barkley -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: -- on -- >> -- mucus legs -- >> jimmy: -- and blitzen. his eyes, how they twinkled. his -- >> -- nipples -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how merry. his cheeks were like -- >> -- squishy -- >> -- birds -- >> jimmy: -- his -- >> -- breasts -- >> jimmy: -- like a cherry. he had a broad face and a -- >> -- stanky -- >> -- hot -- >> jimmy: -- belly that shook when he -- >> -- diddled. >> jimmy: -- like a bowl full of -- >> -- hot sauce. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and laying his -- >> -- weird sucker pads -- >> jimmy: -- aside of his -- >> -- spicy butt -- >> jimmy: -- and giving a -- >> -- squash -- >> jimmy: -- up -- >> -- the ding dong -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: -- he -- >> -- wiped. >> jimmy: but i heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight, "happy -- >> -- christmas --
>> jimmy: -- to -- >> -- all -- >> -- and -- >> jimmy: -- to -- >> -- all -- >> -- a -- >> -- fried penis. [ laughter ] >> okay. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's genius. [ applause ] thank you to all my friends who helped out on this. patton oswalt, he's a funny dude. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: t.i. -- spicy shrimp. guys, there are only two shows before we go on christmas break. it's time for that beloved "late night" tradition -- "twelve days of christmas sweaters." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ twelve days of christmas sweaters two days left ♪ [ applause ] every show between now and christmas, we're giving one lucky audience member a tubular christmas sweater from the countdown to christmas cabinet. since there are two shows left, let's open door number two. [ drum roll ] whoa. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ]
pretty good. can we dim the lights? take the lights down? yeah! [ cheers and applause ] that's a party. that's a party. that's a party right there. all right. now, let's see who's gonna go home with tonight's sweater. everyone, look at your seat number. if i call your number, i need you jump up and let me know where you are. quest, can i get a drum roll please? [ drum roll ] who wants me to pick their number? it's a good sweater! [ cheers and applause ] you're gonna want this. 105! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] hey! ♪ how you doing? how are you? wow, it's perfect. you're right in the aisle. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what's your name? >> kayla. >> jimmy: kayla, where you from? >> new york. >> jimmy: from new york. oh, perfect. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, it gets cold here in new york. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you always need a good sweater. i mean, this one's nice, but, come on. >> that's better. >> jimmy: this is the way to do it, yeah. do you want to try it on? >> yeah, sure. >> jimmy: all right, good. yeah.
♪ right over that one? do you want to take your bag off? >> no. >> jimmy: no? [ laughter ] all right. great. you make the rules. yeah, it's your show. oh, look at this. [ cheers and applause ] really pretty. classic. that is phenomenal. congratulations. >> thank you. >> jimmy: have a great holiday. >> you, too. ♪ >> jimmy: "no, i don't want to -- no, no. [ light laughter ] no, i don't want to -- no. i'll do it my way." um -- [ light laughter ] it looked good on you. i'm in the spirit of giving right now, you guys, and we're about to give away some awesome stuff. it's time for "late night" stocking stuffers. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's the "late night" stocking stuffers yeah ♪ [ cheers and applause ] that's right. every night this week, we're gonna be giving an awesome gift to every single person in our
studio audience. [ cheers and applause ] yes! tonight's stocking stuffer is -- [ drum roll ] nike free 3.0 limited edition! >> steve: these shoes aren't even available till february 22nd of 2012. but somehow, we've managed to get everyone in our audience an advance pair today. and that's not all. there's some super secret awesomeness to these shoes that we won't even find out about till next year. so, stay tuned and stay active with these crazy awesome nike free 3.0 limited edition shoes. jimmy! >> jimmy: that's what i'm talking about. thank you. everyone gets one! very nice. enjoy that, everybody! stick around. we'll be right back with animal expert, jeff musial! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ it's the "late night" stocking stuffer yeah ♪ ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] there are
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is an animal expert and a crazy person who has been kind enough to stop by with some of his friends. ladies and gentlemen, please welcome our friend, jeff musial, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i'm an animal i'm an animal ♪ >> jimmy: what'd you bring? >> salute. happy holidays. awesome cd. awesome cd. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah, the roots -- the roots. >> you're a lucky man, dude. you know? all this awesome stuff happening for you. congratulations. great stuff going on. you got the best band in late night. [ cheers and applause ] right? it's awesome. good, i'm happy for you. >> jimmy: thank you. >> i'm happy. >> jimmy: thank you, buddy. >> i feel like a proud dad. you know? >> jimmy: don't. >> okay. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's always good to see you, jeff. >> yeah. >> jimmy: what'd you bring with
you? what's this? >> this is called a bush baby. grab a grape. watch this. it's cool. it's actually -- it looks like a little gremlin. like little -- like gremlins. we got them in chinatown. [ laughter ] and they -- no, you guys give me a list of stuff, and then i got to come to the city early, and run around -- look, i find it though, you know? good quality. give him another one. hurry, before he runs out. so neat. they're found in africa. they're called bush babies because they cry at night, and they make this awesome noise it sounds just like a baby crying. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and they'll scream, and scream, and scream and call the other ones. and the other ones call back. huge eyes. they're nocturnal, so they see at night. they see everything going on around them. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> and -- yeah, he'll spin the grape around his mouth, peel it, and probably spit the grape. you know. >> jimmy: yeah, it doesn't look like he wants another one. >> yeah, i just want to see you -- how long you'll hold it for. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so lame. you're the worst -- >> no, i'm just kidding. i'm just kidding. >> jimmy: you are the worst dude i've ever met in my life. >> i'm just kidding. [ laughter ] yeah, you called me a clown on the way -- that hurt my feelings. and it's, like, the holidays and stuff. you called me a clown. >> jimmy: well, what's wrong with being a clown? >> that's -- that hurt my feelings. >> jimmy: why? you don't like clowns? >> no, it's okay. but you can watch me on -- you can check me out on jeff animal guy on twitter. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what is going on? >> and i'll talk to you later about what i think of jimmy fallon. okay? [ laughter and applause ]
>> jimmy: no, jeff, you know i love you. >> sorry -- i know. i love you, too. happy holidays. >> jimmy: yeah. >> do you want to see another animal? >> jimmy: yeah -- ooh, look at this. [ audience aws ] >> so freaking cool. look at that. oh, it's awesome! [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, i love this guy. >> so neat. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is he having fun? is he having fun? >> he's feasting for the holidays. look at him. >> jimmy: he's having fun. >> he loves it. look at that. he doesn't want to lose a drop of juice, so his head's back trying to suck up all the juice he can get. >> jimmy: oh, it's really cute, man. >> now, feel him. like, pet his fur. just feel him. >> jimmy: will he bite me? >> isn't that cool? no, they -- they urinate on their hands and they rub it all over their body -- >> jimmy: thank you so much. [ laughter and applause ] >> so that they can -- they really do, though. so they can -- look, you got your own bottle! >> jimmy: unbelievable. >> that's priceless. look at this thing. this is so neat. >> jimmy: ooh. >> look at that. get the little bowl of bananas out. >> jimmy: okay. >> and put it, like, right in front of him. it's so neat. this guy is called a six-banded armadillo from paraguay, south america. feel him. it's super neat. and you can smell him. he kind of smells like -- like weed in an italian restaurant. [ laughter ] no, they --
i never did drugs in my life, but i've smelled them before, and -- [ light laughter ] it smells -- >> jimmy: weed in an italian restaurant? >> weed and an italian restaurant mixed together. >> jimmy: very descriptive, yeah. >> i'm sure they've got a restaurant like that in new -- we're in new york city. they gotta have something that smells like that. >> jimmy: you're a real weirdo. >> now, feel him. it's really cool. it's, like, that hair and stuff. six-banded armadillos. he'll get, like, two feet long. and they're one of the only animals that can spread leprosy. now -- [ laughter and applause ] they -- we're two for two. we're two for two. >> jimmy: unbelievable. leprosy. >> two for two. >> jimmy: see, i love when you come by. i really do. >> they're really neat. they're found in paraguay, south america. they're a pretty awesome animal. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. this is a really cool armadillo. >> i want to move on, though. you want to see something else cool? >> jimmy: sure, of course. >> all right. i want to put -- >> jimmy: thanks so much. does he -- is he curled in a little ball? >> yeah -- no, they can't roll in a ball like the other ones, but they're pretty cool. and boys and girls both have a pseudo penis. [ light laughter ] they -- >> jimmy: all right, jeff. come on, jeff. >> all right. [ laughter ] all right. they -- thank you. that's shawn. >> jimmy: grow up. grow up. >> shy guy shawn. from the below. representing. what up? now -- [ light laughter ]
this -- these guys, oh. >> jimmy: what else did you bring? >> now, this is so cool. >> jimmy: do you remember when you left that roach here that one time? >> yeah, that was awesome. >> jimmy: that wasn't awesome. >> they -- no, that was a good time. the roach. and then you guys mailed it back to me the next day. that was awesome. and they -- [ laughter ] and remember, i was on -- like, you guys scared me. because i'm like, "oh, man, they're never gonna have me back on again." so, like, you call me up, and you're like, "we found this roach here. what do you want us to do?" i'm like, "i don't know. hit it with raid?" i didn't know what to say. i was, like, freaked out. >> jimmy: you did not say that. >> i know. they -- these are dwarf caymans. super cool, you can feel them. >> jimmy: yeah, what are these guys? >> you can hold them. they're one of the smallest crocodilians. look, they're babies. these are guys are, like, not even a couple weeks old. and they're beautiful. look how cute they are. just kind of hang out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: why would you do that? >> that's so cool, look. they just kind of hang out. they're the smallest crocodilians. the largest is, like, the salt water croc. these guys only get to be about three feet. but they got a very small head with a lot of bite pressure. 3,500 pounds of pressure per square inch. [ laughter ] and -- oh, no, you don't to have worry about the bite. you have to worry about the death roll. 'cause they bite and then roll. and it's like a pitbull -- or a bulldog biting.
they just tear in. it's awesome. now -- >> jimmy: please take them away out of my hands. >> okay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they're very cold. >> yeah, they are. they're cold-blooded, so they'll feel cold to the touch where we're always 98 degrees. these guys will be whatever the room temperature is so they'll cool down. and that armadillo is always, usually, around 93 degrees, so they kind of vary in temperature. >> jimmy: is that right? >> which is cool. i'm gonna put these guys back in. >> jimmy: okie doke. >> 'cause i got a christmas present for you. >> jimmy: you did? >> and i know you're excited, yeah. now, i was like, i love you guys, the show, everybody here. you're like a second family, you know? so i wanted the biggest, coolest present i could find. so i went into target, right? and i went over to -- no, really. yeah. [ light laughter ] i had to get them shipped in from saudi arabia. one of them. and the other one came from china. do you want to see your gift? >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah, i got your gift here. check it out. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh! >> how cool is this? these guys -- >> jimmy: yeah. oh, my gosh. >> this -- this here is called -- this is a bactrian camel. and the way you know, they have the two humps. bactrian -- >> jimmy: does that mean he's going to spit at me? >> no, the bactrians do spit,
yeah. but i'd take it for you. the bactrians have the double hump. that's why they're called bactrian, b double hump. dromedary, like the big one here, d, one hump. cool, huh? now, these guys are cool. i'm going to move this one over here. he's a critically endangered species from mongolia. and, yeah, i'm gonna move him over here, and pass him off, but this one here, that my buddy dwayne's holding onto is just gorgeous. this one -- look at him. his name's herbie. say hi to herbie. >> jimmy: i'm afraid. >> audience: hi herbie. >> jimmy: hi, herbie. >> not you guys. jimmy. no. [ laughter ] do you want to feed him? >> jimmy: yeah, could i? >> this is cool, yeah. this so neat. just grab of those carrots. watch how he's -- now, just hold in front. they won't bite you. he's like a big golden retriever. just hold it right out. look at that. just let him take it. [ audience aws ] there you go. it's like you got a cigar. [ light laughter ] you got it controlled, herbie? are we good? yeah, these guys came all the way up from ohio. and i thought i'd bring them in to show you guys. >> jimmy: what do you mean ohio? >> you can tell by their accent. [ light laughter ] they -- >> jimmy: this is beautiful. >> isn't he awesome? feel him, though. he's so neat. >> jimmy: man, this is a giant. >> yeah, he's awesome. and you got to -- i didn't give a gift receipt. so -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm going to put this
in my apartment, yeah. >> yeah, you're on your own, dude. >> jimmy: jeff, you're always great. thank you so much for coming on the show. >> no problem, man. >> jimmy: we love you. [ cheers and applause ] happy holidays. >> same to you. >> jimmy: you're the best, buddy. >> thank you. >> jimmy: jeff musial and his animals, everybody. wow, it's amazing. we'll be right back with jerry o'connell, everybody. come on back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: and now it's time to play "guess the gift." is it "a," a jar of artisanal caramels. "b," an ann taylor bathing cap. or "c," a leather basketball. we'll give you the answer right after this commercial break. ♪♪ ♪ [ female announcer ] go-to... [ male announcer ] holiday party. [ female announcer ] go-to... [ male announcer ] making spirits bright! [ female announcer ] cheers to you, mr. kangaroo. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] go-to... [ female announcer ] winder wonderland. ♪ ♪ go-to... [ male announcer ] unsilent night. [ female announcer ] and to all a good yellow tail.
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