tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC September 20, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT
roberts receives her bone marrow transplant tomorrow. all of our thoughts are with you. robin we'll see you here tomorrow night. up next on an all new "jimmy kimmel live." >> julie bowen. >> you just have to do one thing. but in my country i have to do this. nate parker. and music from the afghan whigs. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! >> he was run over by america
>> jimmy: welcome. i'm jimmy. i'm your host. thank you for bringing meaning into my life. i appreciate it. it's very nice. we have -- today has been a strange day. i think i'm in a feud right now. not like a family feud but a real feud. no prizes. i made a video with jennifer aniston, the actress. she asked me to play the part of her son. they released the video. a lot of people have been talking about it. this morning on the "today" show, apparently they do a segment where they ask martha stewart about her opinion on things. why they ask martha stewart other than making a boutinere out of toilet paper. >> ryan seacrest introduces this video. shows she's pregnant with trip
lets. she has two kids one of which is jimmy kimmel. >> do you like it in. >> i don't really like it. i think it makes some of some things and shows bad examples to the youth of america. wrapping a pregnant stomach is not a great idea. people do have children that look like jimmy kimmel. they do. i have a lot of friends -- >> not so fun? >> they have children that look like jimmy kimmel. >>. >> i don't think mrs. kimmel --. no, no, they're making believe he's an oversized child is a problem. >> jimmy kimmel is online. >> martha you're taking this thing too -- >> jimmy kimmel is great. i just look like him as a 12-year-old. >> how about that? the convicted felon doesn't like me as a 12-year-old.
now i'm being critiqued by criminals. thank goodness al roker was there to defend me and my mother. thank you, martha. i'm sure you were the funniest girl back in prison. just for that i'm not using organic pumpkins to make my jack-o-lanterns this year. this is an interesting story a professor found a piece of papyrus with writing on it. she believes that jesus was married. s it ate world's oldest status update this is the papyrus, the last sentence said that jees es had a wife. i believe it said jesus had wi-fi. some stories are calling this the gospel of jesus' wife.
they're also calling it the original j-date. wouldn't that be something if jesus was married? he could turn water into wine but can't take out the garbage. maybe jesus isn't his name. maybe that's what his wife used to yell when he came home and it stuck. if he had a wife. it's possible he had kids. which is why he spent 40 days in the desert. >> i'm at home watching his tunick. by the way, that could be a good television show. mrs. jesus. get seacrest on the phone, i think we have a hit on our hands. as you may have heard. tabloids magazines have been publishing topless photographs of kate middleton. they're on a nine-day tour of
the south pacific. yesterday they visited a polynesian airport. they picked them up at the airport. literally picked them up. and carried them into times square. this is the way i get into the party. kate looked cute dancing polynesian style. but on the other hand was prince william who looks like he's taking an underwater karate class. it's a tough thing, you go to a place, you have to stand up there and dance with them. it never looks cool. white people should have a policy, no dancing abroad. so those topless photos were the second most embarrassing thing that happened to william and kate. speaking of unexpected nudity in ft. meyers florida they arrested a imagine for indecent exposure who was allegedly enjoying himself.
as you see some locals were taken aback. >> there's no need of that type of behavior. >> reporter: that's the reaction of the arrest. one woman saw a man with long blond hair walking around naked and fondling him. authorities arrested thomas march for indecent exposure. a neighbor had this reaction to the arrest. >> what? >> it was a pretty great reaction. every news story had that guy. [ cheers and applause ] . >> paul: a toronto shortstop said -- if you speak spanish, you are a homosexual. so he held a press conference to apologize and explain why he didn't mean to offend anyone.
>> translator: i don't have anything against homosexuals. i have friends who are gay. >> unfortunately a reporter asked who these gay friends are and this is his response. [ speaking in foreign language ] >> translator: oh. friends who are gay, the person who decorates my house is gay, the person who cuts my hair is gay. >> what? [ cheers and applause ] >> the man who kerracurates my collection of barbra streisand albums is gay. >> lindsay lohan was arrested in
new york for leaving the scene of an injury as she allegedly tapped a pedestrian with her suv. who drives in new york? she was issued a ticket and released without bail. seems she has a car accident about once every four day. i have no jokes about this. i do have a company from overseas. from time to time we outsource our joke writing. let's see if they have any -- >> hello, hello. >> thank you for causing the build a bear hotline. what is your build a bear emergency. >> i don't have an emergency. it's me, jimmy kimmel. >> jimmy kimmel. >> long time no vision. >> good to vision you too. >> i was wondering if you have jokes about lindsey low lowe han
getting into a car accident? >> no, i think we ran out like two accidents okay. did it happen again? >> yeah, it did. they arrested her for a hit and run last night. >> oh, no. >> yeah. yeah. >> she is quite the hot mess, huh? >> jimmy: i guess so. she is. >> i will check to see if we have any leftover from last time. >> let me get our number. okay. great. okay. jimmy kimmel -- [ speaking in foreign language ] >> jimmy: hey, there, how are you doing? >> okay, jimmy, i'm doing good. >> big time laughing outloud. >> jimmy: i'm ready.
i'm prepared. sorry to put you on the spot. >> are you ready, jimmy? >> jimmy: i am ready, yes. >> okay. why did the chicken cross the road. >> i don't know. why did the chicken cross the road? >> he didn't cross the road because he was run over by the american actress lindsay lohan! >> jimmy: that's pretty good. >> chicken particulmarsala for y tonight. >> jimmy: do you have any others? >> okay. grea great. >> what is the difference between lindsay lohan and the famous stuntman evil ka new
year's evele? >> i don't know what is the difference between evil kanevil? >> i cannot find the punch line. >> knock knock. >> let me do another one. >> jimmy: yeah, do another one. >> jimmy. >> jimmy: yes. >> who is there? lindsay lohan's car. >> lindsay lohan's car who? >> i didn't get that one. i didn't get that at all. do you have anything about jesus possibly having a wife? >> who is jesus? the guy with the beard and swollen tummy? >> know that's santa claus. i'm talking about jesus and his
wife. >> jesus -- >> i love watching them work. >> jesus -- >> jimmy: it's so fascinating. yes. >> okay. go ahead. what did jesus' wife text exciting news? >> jimmy: i don't know. >> omfil! >> jimmy: omfil. >> oh, my father-in-law! >> very good. >> instead of omg. >> i got it. thanks guys, i appreciate your help. >> okay. thank you again. it's great talking to you.
>> tgif, jimmy. >> okay. it's wednesday but thank you. >> okay. sorry. >> there you go. you get what you pay for i guess. cha [ cheers and applause ] . >> they're in india. >> sunday night i'm hosting the 65th annual emmy awards on abc. i might stay home and watch took. i'm playing it by the ear. the emmys are special for the writers actors hosts fortunate enough to be nominated. tonight it would be fun to ask a tv legend what he remembers about the night he won an emmy. william shatner is preparing for a tour. he took time out to share his emmy moment.
>> winning the emmy was the first exciting part of my life the second was when i dropped bath salts on the set of wrath of kahn. next morning i woke up on an overpass in tokyo. there was blood everywhere. we never spoke about it again. but winning the emmy was exciting too. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm surprised that wasn't in the autobiography. we have a more from the movie
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>> jimmy: tonight you can see him alongside richard gere in the new movie "arbitrage" -- nate parker is here. and then, recently reunited for a new tour that starts this saturday at pier 36 in new york, the afghan whigs from the bud light outdoor stage. we've got a good line up for you next week. keanu reeves, julianna margulies, jesse tyler ferguson, kerry washington, ginnifer goodwin, selena gomez, the first cast-off from the new season of "dancing with the stars," we will introduce the new bachelor, and we'll have music from tony bennett, green day and the killers. and as i mentioned earlier, i'll be hosting the 64th annual primetime emmy awards this sunday here on abc. you can watch the red carpet arrivals starting at
7:00 eastern, 4:00 pacific, and then at 8:00, i will take complete charge of all aspects of the show. i even pick out the dresses. that the actresses wear to the show. very hands on. last year, i had the honor of handing our first guest an emmy award for outstanding supporting actress in a comedy series, and if she plays her cards right, i might do it again on sunday. whether she wins or not. you know her on everyone's favorite show, "modern family," which returns to the air at 9:00 one week from tonight on abc. please say hello to julie bowen. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow. you look fantastic. i know you lying to play this thing that sophia vergara is the bombshell on the show. but look at you, you look unbelievable. >> was that my special bombshell music? can i get that again? >> oh.
i'm going ask that guy to follow me around. legally i'm not allowed to do that. >> i will follow you around. >> luckily, you can only see about four feet in front of him. so -- >> well, congratulations on your emmy nonation. last year you won. >> and you gave it to me. >> jimmy: i did. >> you messed with me a little. because your bit with jimmy -- >> jimmy: jimmy fallon. >> people who pre tend they don't have a speech. but have this constitution rolled up in their sock and pull it out. i didn't have a speech and this year i don't know what to do. what do you think? >> you thanked people last year. do you feel you have to thank the same people? >> you think one thank you and that's done? >> it's bad luck to even talk about this. >> well, it's too late now. >> not to put bombshell first,
but we've had a really good run of luck of this piece of hardware traveling around. i would love to see sophia go home with it. >> jimmy: would you? you guys do a same thing. you all enter the supporting actress and actor category. >> how else dwou? who would you like to see as lead? >> you and ty are the leads. you're the leads of the show. >> no! >> you're on camera the most, right? >> no, not at all. >> i think because we're mom and dad it might feel that way. >> yeah. i think the only person can lead is ed o'neil. he has the gravitas. >> why doesn't he do that? >> i have no idea. >> you're competing with each other. >> that way it's all even. no one stuck their head too high out of the trench.
>> it's shock. >> jimmy: is there a problem with gun play on the show? >> there's no problem with gun play. we like each other. a bunch of us went to sophia's birthday party in mexico we actually socialized and enjoyed each other's company. >> who went to the birthday party. >> jesse, jesse's boyfriend, justin and sarah and her boyfriend and my husband and my boyfriend. they both came. they get along really well. >> and our creator, steve and his wife. >> creators are your parents. >> jesus christ came and mrs. jesus came too. >> i hear edie falco will be playing her. >> she's great. she's great in everything. >> jimmy: was it a fun party? >> it was fun. i'm waspy and midnight is a
really late hour for me. i leave a wedding the minute the cake is cut i'm in the car and gone. these people put me to shame. they put all american waspy people to shame. >> sophia's family? >> from 70-year-old women to 7 yearlies. they function on tortilla and tequila and endless dancing. >> sophia said it's easy to dance when you're american you have to do one thing. you know, it's so easy. you just do this one thing. but in my country, you have to do this. [ cheers and applause ] and that is true. for days on end, people were sort of like -- they're talking to you and shimmying around,
doing hip swivels, they are a superior breed. >> i think you're right. i think the sun sets later too. that's probably part of it. they get in this thing where it goes on and on and on. >> they like spice in their food. i was raised on salt and pepper. not salti pepper. >> the actual spices and not too much pepper. >> jimmy: sophia i heard has 20 people coming do the emmys with her. >> she does, she does. i don't know how many from that actual event. i'm not sure they're all allowed in the u.s. when i asked why we're having a party in mexico. she said because that's where we can all get together. >> i'm not -- >> they're very, very lovely. i don't know which ones will be there. >> jimmy: a lost them are coming.
i was at rehearsal. i saw the seats there's a whoul sophia vergara section there. >> she has to win. even if she doesn't we have to let her win. >> we'll take care of this. we'll say she won whether she won or not. >> aren't we dying to see what her speech would be? >> yeah t-would be good. >> to t would be amazing. watching her walk on stage would be like -- >> how many members of your family are you bringing to the show? >> back to the salt and pepper people. my family is not sure what i do if it's legal or dicey. they're back to the oldest profession was prostitution and second was actors who were actually prostitutes. my dad truly asked me this last year. "modern family" is that a
reality show? >> no. >> jimmy: what? >> he said it looks real. >> dad, is my name clair? >> i don't know. it looks so real. >> jimmy: maybe the way the camera is going. >> i think it's a question he doesn't know what a reality show is. if you showed him survivor. i -- they're actors, that crocodile -- >> so, in other words, they are not banging your door down for this thing? >> no, sitting still for that long to watch a bunch of fancy prostitutes? i think not. >> we'll take a break and see what the fancy prostitutes are nominated this year. julie bowen, we'll be right back. ♪
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>> i had a little peppermint schnaaps at my house and hid it from my boyfriend before i got picked up. >> i'm pregnant. >> it's great. congratulations! >> wow! >> this was a surprise. >> yeah, i bet. what did my dad say? >> i haven't told him yet. i worry he's going to think it's not such great news. >> no, really? >> jimmy: that is julie bowen, modern family, premiering one week from tonight on abc. that's -- so there's a new tv baby on the way? >> yes.
people frequently ask me, mostly my dad. she's pregnant? her character is pregnant. i've seen pictures of her pregnant. yes, we have a new tv baby. >> jimmy: which children do you prefer. your television children or real children? >> my real children are the source of so much entertainment and i like doing thing was them. >> how old are they? 5 and 23-year-old boys. >> what do you do with them? >> i try to do cultural pursuits. i took them to the l.a. county museum of art. they have a sculpture called metropolis 2. it's like a whole city. i took them down to see that. which they were fascinated with
for four seconds. it's an amazing thing. then they run off and discover this massive movie plane, which is just hands. not sure what they are doing, more meaningful and ar miss tick. the thing they realized they can run around it and take odd shapes. so you can take an artsy picture. >> oh, that's great. >> there's one of my boys. he's very upcy. i'm going one-up the artsies efforts. i snap one of my pre school moms. i get a picture of me kissing my boy. i don't bother to look tat later. can we put back on that a little bit?
>> yeah. >> who is that? is that your son? >> no. no. i actually know the child. he was nowhere near me, but the way it gets flattened, i can't believe i did not feel that. like a could you having a veterinary exami. >> he's going be a doctor. >> i didn't see it until i wanted to show off that night at dinner to my friends. >> oh, my god. that's an episode of the show. is that the sort of thing you can say we can do something like that? >> they could. by bu we are a family show. >> find that on jimmy. >> it's great to see you. >> thank you so much. it's been a pleasure. >> see you then. modern family. we'll be back with nate parker.
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get jacobs on the horn and schedule a meeting pronto. [ alarm blares ] order lunch. something fast, smith. it's jones, ma'am. yeah, look, we'll leverage the synergy on both sides. hi, jimmy john's? yeah, no, look, the boys -- jimmy john's. yep. sky's the limit on this one. make sure the silverman file is on my desk a.s.a.p. did you order lunch? yeah. it's waiting for you. better be, smith. still jones, ma'am. can't wait on this. time is money.
please welcome nate parker! you you didn't have a mustache in the movie? >> i did not. >> i call it my push broom -- >> what does that mean? >> you push the dirt. flavor saver. if i drink coffee then later on i get tired i just -- >> jimmy: that's convenient, that's nice. you have a very interesting story how you got involved, and after you were a wrestler in college. where did you go to college? >> university of oklahoma. >> jimmy: that's a good wrestling school. studying what? >> i was a computer programmer. i was studying to be in a basement with no windows.
>> jimmy: that's what my dad does by the way. >> it's rough. that's what i was doing and this acting thing, i add a friend going to dallas. i was going to support them. are you in programming? >> jimmy: no. >> you should be. okay. i want you to read this mon leg. >> what monologue did you have to read? >> it was from -- >> jimmy: are there actual lines in the movie? >> get in this parking lot. >>. >> jimmy: i channeled vin diesel. you never had your car, but it worked once you moved to l.a. i was like, okay -- >> four days later -- >> are you kidding me? >> this is how they become part
of arab hate. joining a harem. >> i had a backup plan. a computer programmer, i knew how to wrestle. . you could fight your way out of it. >> jimmy: i have to say it's a great story but will result in terrible things for everyone that watches it. they believe if you go to the monitoring things at the maul it's a good idea. did you have to pay them anything? >> it was like he approached me. >> i didn't have fun to go to the grocery store. i knock on the door and say give me what you want. >> i had people out with microwaves -- >> jimmy: you came out here by yourself? >> i came out my buy myself then i sent for my mom.
>> mom, you can come out. come with me. basically, when i was having my honeymoon my wife came with three sisters. >> jimmy: hold on. why did you bring all three sisters? >> i have a kenyon mom. i love my mother. >> jimmy: where i come from, you screen your mother's phone calls. >> yeah. so, how many people are now living in this apartment? >> at the time it was six of us in 650 square feet. >> reporter: that's only 100 feet each. wow. >> there was no more bathroom. i had to hold it all day. it's funny, i start getting up at 6:00 a. m. i sit down because when the sun
came out -- just enjoy it while you can. >> eventually you're not living with all of these women. >> how many are you down to? me and my wife. my daughter -- and mi third daughter. >> jimmy: what was your first film? >> my first big break was great debaters. >> denzel washington. did you have to audition for denzel himself? >> i didn't want to audition at first then he called me and said he would like to meet me. i was prepared. i an an air mattress and poster of denzel washington. >> that's all i would have is staring con termses with this poster.
i know it sounds ridiculous. it prepared me. when i met him, i was like, how you doing? >> let him know i wasn't intimida intimidated. >> he's like, i don't know what's wrong with this kid. he scares meechl. >> so you then auditioned with miami. did you have to act with hip? did he act with you? >> one of the things i read, i want to write a back story. >> what do you mean by that? >> paul: it's a biography of henry low. i yo eighted this story, of his high. his family. i wrote 100-page book by hand. . about this character? >> i did my audition. and i handed to them and said what's this? he said i hear you require a back story of a character before
you get on stage. he said well, you keep it and you'll need it. then you hired it. >> he's getting oust reading it. okay. yeah, i should get right op it. >> that's a pretty great story. did you used to be around him then? >> it's something you never talk about. if you think about the moment you start to get a fan and become star sfrtruck. >> i try not to think of it until on the plane right home. >> you did a good grieb of richard gere. >> congratulations, you're not the op the air pratt tess. >> i ammo stross. it's in theaters now. nate, paer, everybody.
but it isn't always easy to find one... a vote for question seven is a vote for maryland jobs. two thousand construction jobs to build a new resort casino. four thousand permanent jobs, paying... on average fifty five thousand a year. six thousand jobs from increased tourism... and table games like blackjack and poker. add it up: it's twelve thousand new maryland jobs. but to build it you have to vote for it. vote for question seven. and get maryland back to work.
>> jimmy: you can see them on tour this fall. here with the song "my enemy," the afghan whigs. ♪ ♪ i hear the whispers, baby if what they say is true they say i killed the brother to fall in love with you ♪ ♪ these words i heard them once before a conversation i believe ♪ ♪ how does a man begin to fall when he does practice to deceive ♪ ♪ it was a voice behind my back his face i could not see it clear ♪ ♪ the voice was so familiar though
have me if you can't catch me ♪ ♪ out of your mind bent on revenge to think i once called you my friend ♪ ♪ you want the dog i'll let him out come and get some baby come and get some baby ♪ ♪ the sun is gone and the sky is black so get your ass out from behind my back ♪ ♪ i told you once and i told you all and i told it like it was ♪ ♪ and i told it like it was and i told it like it was ♪ ♪ and i told it like it was and i told it like it was ♪