Skip to main content

tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  August 7, 2015 11:34pm-12:37am EDT

11:34 pm
buffoon, a clown and an ota-hole." [ laughter ] then trump was like, "that's right, i'm total triple threat." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "don't forget it." it's no rprise people ok a a few shots at trump at these debates. it just seems like he's fighting with everyone. in fact, now he's suing celebrity chef jose andres for backing out of a restaurant deal due to trump's offensive remarks about mexicans. and trump said he didn't need he told his assistant, "get me seor frog." [ laughter ] not a real person. [ applause ] the early debate, routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon snapple iced tea and pray. [ laughter ] which is also the advice chris christie gets from his doctor. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: oh, hey! oh! hey, hey, hey! >> jimmy: no matter what
11:35 pm
happened at that debate, everyone's still concentrating on raising money. i saw that jeb bush's campaign is trying to raise more money by selling guacamole bowls -- [ laughter ] on its website for $75. $75 for a guacamole bowl. even chipotle was like, "damn, son." [ cheers and applause ] "damn, son." laught ] >> steve: damn. >> jimmy: you remember when jeb was on our show and we were talking about guacamole? >> steve: oh, yeah. he did not want to hear about it. >> jimmy: wellyt said, "did you ever have peas in your guacamole?" he goes, "i would never have peas in my huacamole." [ laughter ] in your what? he goes, "i would never put any of that type of stuff in my huacamole." [ laughter ] >> steve: he said it like scarface? >> jimmy: use a little guacamole.
11:36 pm
all of a sudden he's scarface. like, "huacamole. say hello to my little huacamole. [ laughter ] huacamole. [ laughter ] remember that? [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: you got tariq. >> jimmy: i don't know, man. but, you know, jeb bush. his campaign is also selling these t-shirts, these t-shirts praising his father. check it out. it says, "my dad is the greatest man i've ever known, and if you don't think so we can step outside." [ laughter ] it was really nice, actually. believe it or not, j also released a shirt to wear when he's around his brother. check it out. that's just mean. [ cheers and applause ] $75. >> steve: $75? u get the guacamole with it? >> jimmy: it says "huacamole" on the back. [ laughter ] meanwhile, a clothing company is making t-sherts inspired by democratic candidate, bernie sanders, with messages like "feel the bern."
11:37 pm
bernie sanders, yeah.r,they were going to make them nobody wants to wear a shirt that says, "feel the chafee." [ laughter and applause ] biker shorts. >> steve: bike shorts, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. i saw that a reporter asked joe biden if he's running for president. and he said, quote, "only if you're my running mate." the reporter was like, "but i'm totally unqualified." and biden was like, "wel look who came up with our campaign slogan. that's pretty good. welc i'e aboard." [ la hter and appuse ] do you see this? in a recent edkcation semi r, president obama admitted that he can't rap. [ light laughter ] whes they heard, americans were like, "good. it's literally the one thing we don't care if the president can do. can you negotiate a deal? that's stuff we care about, yeah." obama said he can't rap, saying, quote, "that's one thing i can't do. it appears he's telling the truth because we got our hands on an old cassette tape of e amrtrapping. i don't know. you be the judge.
11:38 pm
>> let's kick this my name's barack barack obama i like to have fun i don't like drama i love to go to the beach my favorite fruit is an apple i like to sing i like to dance i like to wear demim break it down look look look look look michelle original nasty boy 2003 barack oh boo ya [ cheers and applaus ] bala r oh boo ya! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: barack oh boo yeah! i like to go to the beach to the beach. beach. beomh. [ laughter ] wow. you guys, i found this kind of surprising, but according to a a anew surv , about half of the world thinks kissing is gross. [ audience boos ] >> i would kiss you, jimmy.
11:39 pm
>> jimr : and at half is known as married people. [ laughter and applause ] not now, honey i have to pay the bills -- online bills. >> steve: and eat my guacamole. >> jimmy: just go ahead. give me some more huacamole. [ laughter ] you call this guacamole? finally, we did something on our show a couple weeks ago wht ere wead a little fun with our pal, shaquille o'neal's podcast. that's right, shaq has a a podcast. we didn't know this, but we played around. he actually liked the bit that did ara ended up playing it on his actual podcast. well now i guess with the extra attention, he's been bitten by the comedy bug. he actually does a segment on the show where he tells jokes. it's called "shaq-sticles." [ laughter ] let's take a listen. >> this is "shaq podcast." it's a shaq-cast. welcome back. i'm shaq. now, it's time for "shaq-sticles." that's where i read jokes that are on popsicle sticks.
11:40 pm
i eat the popsicles, and then i read the jokes. let's eat the first popsicle. mmm, that's a good popsicle. what's a ghost's favorite kind of beef? ghost beef. that's a great joke. time for another popsicle. here's another ghost joke. what jeans does a ghost wear? boo jeans. i get it. that's a funny joke. what's a ghost's favorite movie? boo-lan rouge! shaq made that one up. hahaha. i'm shaq. >> jimmy: that's it right there. [ cheers and applause ] we love you, shaq. weiss. have a great show. give it up for the one and only roots, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how fun is this? fantastic. good to see you, higgins. >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: what a great crowd, absolutely. [ cheers and applause ] good to see you, roots. guys, come back again next week. we have chris meloni, kristen stewart.
11:41 pm
[ cheers and applause ] sir ben kingsley, paul g matti and kevin spacey will all be with us. [ cheers and applause ] kevin and i are going to debut a brand new game called "phone booth." it's very, very fun. i can't wait fornthat. pluserwe have great perfom ces from luke bryan, yolanda adams, reba mcintyre and robin thicke. [ cheersiknd applause ] that's gonna be good next week. but first, we have a fantastic show tonight. he's such a talented actor, the one and only, steve buscemi is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: come on! >> jimmy: great dude, great actor. plus, he's been getting great, great reviews for his performance in "true detective" on hbo. taylor kitsch is stopping by. [ cheers and applause ] you know he's a hockey player. he's a big hockey player. he's going to be in the nhl, taylor kitsch. th he got the acting bugd he did acting. every time he comes on, i challenge him to a hockey-type of game just because that would be great if beat him. >> steve: because then you can brag.
11:42 pm
>> jimmy: then i can brag about it, yeah. so tonight, he agreed to play me in a game of "beer hockey." so that's what's gonna go down. [ cheers and applause ] and tonight, we have stand-up from a very, very funny man. comedian john rineman is here tonight, everybody, doing some comedy for us. he's fantastic as well. guys, today's friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox. i return some e-mails, and of course, i send outside thank you notes as one does every friday. i send out thank you notes. [ cheers and applause ] soit i wowas runningrk bit behind today. i thm ght ifeyou w ldn' mind, i'd just like to write my weekly thank you notes right now. is that cool? [ cheers andewpplause ] thanks. this i s don rickles' favorite bit. hels loves when i do this. >> steve: he loves it. jimmy: he just loves it. he loves me, and he loves when i do this. roots, can i get some thank you nocate writing music, please? hey, james, good to see you, buddy. hest forgot his tie. >> steve: wow. he knows casual friday. >> jimmy: he came from a a wedding or something.
11:43 pm
[ laughter ] >> steve: at least he didn't drink a mai tai. >> jimmy: that's right. it's his tie. [ laughter ] thank you, pope francis, for inviting oprah to the vatican for a meeting to discuss the church's portrayal in the media and how your celebrity couple name would probably be "poprah." [ laughter ] [ applause ] it works. >> steve: it works. >> jimmy: thank you, the feud between drake and meek mill for sounding less like a feud between two rappers and more like a feud between two snack food companies. drake. >> steve: drake's cakes and meek mill's cereals. >> jimmy: meek mills make the best cereal. >> steve: gluten-free. >> jimmy: thank you, "fantastic 4" for being the name of this weekend's big movie as well as what i call my left hand.
11:44 pm
[ audience aws ] >> steve: come on! don't joke on your left hand. come on, don't joke it down. >> jimmy: it's getting better. thank you, jon stewart, for taping your last episode of "the daily show" yesterday. or as fox news called it, their moment of zen. there you go. yes! [ cheers and applause ] thank you, small wooden ice cream spoons, for letting me enjoy a delicious treat while also getting splinters on my tongue. [ laughter and applause ] >> steve: you can't feel it. >> jimmy: look at that ice cream. doesn't that look like a face in there? >> steve: it does. oh, my god. that looks like charlie denison. he's been dead for 60 years. jimmy!
11:45 pm
>> jimmy: thank you, hammocks in the woods, or as bears call you, tacos. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i wish i had some huacamole." [ laughter ] have you ever had peas in guacamole? >> steve: no. >> jimmy: it's good. >> sterat people says it's good. i'll try it. i'll try anything once. >> jimmy: you should. it's green. >> steve: i love it. you know what? because guacamole is green and peas are green. put it together and guess what? peas good for your digestive system sweet peas, snap peas, ginger peas, love them all. >> jimmy: you love peas. any type? >> steve: any type of as. >>immy: you got ps and qs. >> steve: love them. [ laughter ] you got sweet peas. >> jimmy: hey, can i ask you a a question? >> steve: sure, go ahead. ask aay. >> jimmy: we've been friends for -- >> steve: 27 years.
11:46 pm
27 years, six months, 11 d s and 33 seconds. laughter ] jimmy: has anyone every said to you or anything that we have similar voices? [ laughter ] >> steve: they said that, but i think they're crazy. >> jim: me, too. >> steve: shazam! >> jimmy okay. thank you, people who have lizards as pets saying, "i don't want something cute, playful or cuddly. i just want the responsibility of a pet." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] "i just want to see if i can keep it alive." >> steve: i feed it mice. >> jimmy: thank you, thick milkshakes, for making me work really hard to get fat. come on. make it easy for me, man. that's my thank-you notes. we'll be right back with steve buscemi! [ cheers and applause ]
11:47 pm
t-mobile now extends your coverage beyond the borders at no extra charge. get 4g lte data in mexico and canada just like in the u.s. and call and text as much as you want to and from the united states, mexico, and canada. you heard right! unlimited calls to any phone - even mobile... in mexico and canada for free! it's included with simple choice plans. only t-mobile gives you coverage and calling in three countries for the price of one. switch today. when sends craig wilson a ready for you alert the second his room is ready, ya know what he becomes? great proposal! let's talk more over golf. great. how about over tennis? even better. a game changer! the ready for you alert, only at at subway, we bring layers of enticingly tender turkey, irresistibly crispy bacon, and deliciously rich guacamole together on freshly baked bread for one truly amazing sandwich: the new subway turkey & bacon guacamole. only a hosubway.
11:48 pm
we're all familiar with this, axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. fact: when pharmacists are in pain the medicine in advil is their #1 choice for pain relief. more than the medicines in tylenol or aleve. use the medicine that phorarmacists use most for themselves. relief doesn't get any better than this. advil. (vo) after 50 years of designing cars for crash survival, subaru has developed our most revolutionary feature yet. a car that can see trouble...
11:49 pm
...and stop itself to avoid it. when the insurance institute for highway safety tested front crash prevention nobody beat subaru models with eyesight. not honda. not ford or any other brand. subaru eyesight. an extra set of eyes, every time you drive.
11:50 pm
feel like a kid again with dunkin's new cookie-flavored iced coffees. for a limited time, dd perks members can enjoy any sized iced coffee for $1.99. america runs on dunkin'. [explosion of fireworks] [sounds of tennis rackets hitting tennis balls] [crowd cheering] a day of destiny. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest is a a golden globe award winning actor who starred in such great
11:51 pm
films as "reservoir dogs." [ cheers ] "fargo." [ cheers ] "the big lebowski." [ cheers ] he's also the creator and star of the emmy nominated aol and gentlemen, please welcome steve buscemi! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: they love you. they love you. awe love you. welcome, welcome, welcome. >> aw c'mon, i love you to. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for being here buddy. nice to see you, pal. i gotta say, i haven't talked to you since i saw this interview on cbs sunday morning you did a -- yeah. >> jimmy: it was fantastic, you and your wife, and it was just really sweet and cool and i just loved it. i want to say congrats on that. >> thank you so much. i appreciate your watching that. >> i like knowing more about you.
11:52 pm
i never see anything about you. i want to see more but unfortunately you die in most of the movies that you're in --. >> i do. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: --and the shows you're in. >> occupational hazard. >> you're like -- it's almost like when i see you in the movies, i go, "i don't know scene -- this poor guy is probably going to die somehow. and "boardwalk empire" i'd, spoiler alert but --. >> i made to it the end, though. i made it to the end. >> jimmy: you did! yeah, after a few seasons you end up dying, yeah. >> well, ya know. >> you're good at that. you're typecast as a guy whose -- there's an online list of people saying their favorite ways that you die in movies. >> yeah, i don't know why people like to see me die so much. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> especially filmmakers. but they do like -- they like it. they watch it because they want to see me die. >> jimmy: no, that's not true. >> that's not true, okay. >> jimmy: but i mean, it's a a very interesting. number one, of course, is "fargo," you die fantastically in that. >> well -- people do say. [ cheers ] people do tell me they loved that scene in "fargo" with me in the wood chipper. >> jimmy: that's correct. >> they tell me but they say that i was good in the scene. you know, like?
11:53 pm
loved that scene. loved when you -- i felt bad because i wanted to it look more like my leg. i didn't think it looked --. >> jimmy: it's a rubber foot going into the wood chipper, yeah. but you did a great job in that scene. >> i did. it was, ya know -- >> jimmy: the screaming was fantastic, yeah. we also -- there's a bunch dedicated to you online that i just found fascinating so i just want to go through a a couple. here's one it's like, "the top 18 gifts for the steve buscemi lover in your life." >> oh, well that's thoughtful! >> jimmy: this is a shower curtain that you can buy, okay. >> wow. >> jimmy: there you go, you have to put this in your bathroom. sixty eight dollars. >> sixty eight dollars. >> jimmy: sixty eight dollars, less than a bowl of guacamole. [ laughter ] sixty eight dollars. >>od people are getting naked in front of me before they --. >> jimmy: yeah, this is a a pretty -- i would actually like this. this is a pretty great shower curtain. >> it is. i'm impressed. >> jimmy: there's another one here, they said there was a -- this is a list of "if steve buscemi were a category on jeopardy." >> okay.
11:54 pm
>> jimmy: so, if you were a a category they would have a a list of just different questions that -- or answers i guess that would be on "jeopardy" and this is one that i didn't even know. you auditioned for the part of george costanza on "seinfeld." >> you know --no. but that's not true. [ laughter ] i've heard this rumor --. >> jimmy: you didn't say that in the form of a question. what is -- that's not true, wait, you really didn't? >> i never auditioned. i don't know where that came from. but it's been on -- >> jimmy: wikipedia. >> wikipedia, imdb -- but i never did. and i don't know how to correct it. because i don't know how the internet works. you know, i don't know how to -- >> jimmy: it kind of tells you what you did. >> i'm afraid i might do something really wrong if i start typing. >> jimmy: you definitely did not? maybe like a drunken blackout audition -- >> no. >> jimmy: one day for george constanza? >> no i never -- i don't know and i can't imagine how they could have imagined anybody else than jason alexander playing that part. i was never -- i never auditioned. >> jimmy: oh, interesting. that's really cool. we should change that or whoever is in charge of that. >> can somebody help me change it?
11:55 pm
>> jimmy: i can't but i mean somebody can help. we should get another lie going around for you. if we can do that. >> another lie? >> jimmy: yeah. you know what we should do? like you're deathly afraid of chipmunks or something. >> but i am. [ laughter ] so think of something else. >> jimmy: all right, i'll think of something. >> i don't want people throwing chipmunks at me. >> jimmy: no, no, no, you really don't want that no. >> because people will do that just to mess with me. >> jimmy: that's true, you know, yeah, they would, yeah. he's not -- he isn't even afraid of chipmunks let's not sorry. and then there's one -- someone put "the top steve buscemi tattoos." your face. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you have any tattoos? >> not that i know of. >> jimmy: you have one of george constanza on your back. but, anyways, i'm looking at all these tattoos and this one i got to say, is my favorite this guy got a tattoo on his arm, okay? >> oh wow. oh my god. >> jimmy: what is the going on with the world?
11:56 pm
fantastic. >> i'm going to do that. >> jimmy: that's not bad. >> no, that what i should do. a meeting and i'm tired, you know, i could just do that. "i hear ya!" "i hear ya!" >> jimmy: taking a nap -- >> i'm listening. i get you. >> jimmy: let's talk about "park bench." >> okay. >> jimmy: how did you come up with this idea? how did it get started? what got you involved with this? >> i, you know it's not like i never ever wanted to be a talk show host. because -- now that i am, of sorts, i have to give you -- i mean, respect. it's like the hardest job. you make it look easy. you do make it look easy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll be right back, everybody. [ applause ] how did you get -- >> i was doing -- directing these, like, promotional videos for the band vampire weekend. >> jimmy: love those -- >> love those guys and we were shooting at green point and i had a little sketch i was going to do and we needed to place it
11:57 pm
somewhere. so we placed it in the park, we were shooting at a bar, and i said, "well let's go to the park and do this thing on the bench." "but i need someone to be sitting with me on the bench." and about five minutes before that, this guy named "geo" who just hangs out at the bar, he's a carpenter. he swings a hammer, he's a big guy. he's not an actor, not in show business, he started talking to me. i was very distracted by him and had to excuse myself but when i thought, "well who could i be sitting with?" i went, "let's get that guy, geo." and he was so great that when i saw this footage i joked to somebody i said, "i could make a whole show if i could just get him with me sitting on park benches and talking to people." and so that's what we did and aol went for it. >> jimmy: you got nominated for emmy's now. >> yeah, i don't know how it -- >>t and it's so original and different and fun and you get great guests. >> elvis costello is the guest this week, we have a new episode comes out every thursday. last week was john oliver or piper kerman from "orange is the new black." >> jimmy: chris rocka, colin quinn. >> yeah, that was the first season.
11:58 pm
yeah. >> jimmy: it's fantastic and congrats on that. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: we have something more in common. >> we do, yes. >> jimmy: in that, we're both talk show hosts. >> we're talk. we're going get tattoos together. >> jimmy: that's my man, right there. steve buscemi, everybody! check out new episodes. "park bench", thursdays at taylor kistch joins us after the break. stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause ] watch as these magnificent creatures take flight, soaring away from home towards the promise of a better existence. but these birds are suffering. because this better place turned out to have a less reliable cell phone network, and the videos on their little bird phones kept buffering. birds hate that. so they came back home. because they get $300 from switching back to verizon, and so can you! verizon. come home to a better network.
11:59 pm
song: rachel platten "fight song" two million, four hundred thirty-four thousand, three hundred eleven people in this city. and only one me. i'll take those odds. be unstoppable. the all-new 2015 ford edge. what's the special? hand agitated baltic sea foam. sometimes life can get a little complicated. your sandwich doesn't have to be. oscar mayer deli fresh is made with 100% turkey breast that's sliced and sealed at the peak of freshness. it's deli quality, every time.
12:00 am
will you be a sound sleeper, or a mouth breather. a mouth breather! well, put on a breathe right strip and shut your mouth. allergy medicines open your nose over time, but add a breathe right strip and pow! it instantly opens your nose up to 38% more. so you can breathe and sleep. add breathe right to your allergy medicine. shut your mouth and sleep right. breathe right and look for the calming scent of breathe right lavender in the sleep aisle. we're all familiar with this,
12:01 am
axe daily fragrances. but what you wouldn't have seen is this, axe dry spray antiperspirant. why are you touching your armpit? i was just checking to see if it's dry. don't, that's weird. the first ever dry spray antiperspirant from axe. this is so great, date night. just the three of us. i'm just sayin'. and this is such a good movie too. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... p shhhh.. i mean at the end when it's revealed the grandmother... ...did it. are you... would you be quiet? would you be quiet and move your gigantic head? it's like hello? i can't see the screen. p dude. it's like hello? i can't see the screen. ah! hey, was that jordan? whoa! that's cold. now all hanes underwear is tagless. go tagless. it's just a summer thing double it up this summer with a hot deal from mcdonald's. the $2.50 double combo, a mouth-watering double cheeseburger and small fries for just $2.50. (music) so what i'm saying is,
12:02 am
people like options. when you take geico, you can call them anytime you it don't matter, your smartphone, your tablet, whatever. the point is, you have options. oh, how convenient. hey. crab cakes, what are you looking at? save you fifteen percent or more on car insurance.
12:03 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, welcome back, thank you, guys. i love you, i love you! what a great crowd, a tough crowd.
12:04 am
oh my goodness. the best crowd. thank you. you know our next guest from big movies as well as excellent television series such as "friday night lights." [ cheers and applause ] "the normal heart." he's currently starring alongside vince vaughn, colin ferrel and rachel mcadams in "true detective" which has its season finale this sunday at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. please welcome our buddy, taylor kitsch, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> it's good energy. >> jimmy: no. that was a "chips" theme song is what that was. >> oh, wow. >> jimmy: and they ride motorcycles. >> they do. >> jimmy: and you as well ride a motorcycle. >> i do. >> jimmy: that was the connection. [ light laughter ]
12:05 am
and you look like eric estrada. >> is that mine? >> that's yours, yeah. that's yours, yeah. no, that's steve buscemi. sorry, i apologize. [ laughter ] good to see you as always. >> you too. >> jimmy: thank you for coming here. >> thank you for having me. >> jimmy: we had you booked and i fell like an idiot. >> faked and injury. >> jimmy: i faked an injury. thank you for coming back. i want to talk about "true detective. congrats. i didn't tell you congrats on "normal heart." i haven't seen you since then. >> you did. i was on for it and we talked about it. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. it was an emmy and i forgot to congratulate you. >> right. thank you. thank you. >> jimmy: you personally didn't win one. but hey, you know. [ laughter ] >> i -- >> jimmy: great having you on the show. [ light laughter ] here you are on another great project, "true detective." i mean, vince vaugn, colin ferrell, rachel mcadams. this is good stuff. >> they're all right. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. they're not here, you are. let's talk about you.
12:06 am
>> yeah. >> jimmy: but this is a very interesting story. you wanted this role so bad you went and drove and met this writer director guy. it sounds like very interesting to me. >> nic pizzolatto. >> jimmy: pizzolatto. yeah, i did want the gig. and i tipped the hat to the agent who had an early beat on it. and i live in austin. and he said -- i guess i was one of three guys nick was looking for woodrough, who i inevitably ended up playing. >> jimmy: i was one of the other three guys so congratulations. [ light laughter ] >> right. so i flew to l.a. and he was in ojai, two hours from l.a. basically, 45 on a motorcycle. >> jimmy: did you? >> no, i didn't take it. >> jimmy: okay. got you. >> but i was like, yeah, let me pitch myself and go in there. and i brought a buddy with me, one of my best mates and, you took the jeep up, i'm like just outside, it's like -- kind of like little bar. >> jimmy: who's your buddy? do i know him? >> no. >> jimmy: okay.
12:07 am
[ light laughter ] i have a buddy, you don't know him. robert deniro. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ light laughter ] you and your buddy. he's a friend of yours? >> right. >> he's in the jeep. i'm getting out, like 45. these things don't usually last more than an hour, hour tops. >> jimmy: so i'm going in. i'm going to meet the director. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you hang out in the jeep, buddy. i'll come back out and then we will go obey -- oh, bye, from ojai. >> yeah. you're on it tonight. >> jimmy: i'm quick tonight man. [ light laughter ] these drugs they give me, they're pretty awesome. [ light laughter ] keep going, yeah. >> so we go in there and 4 1/2 hours later. >> jimmy: what did he say when you first saw him? what did he first say, the director? [ laughter ] say that you back in and he's backing in as well and you bump in and what did he say? [ light laughter ] >> hi? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: close. yeah. oh, hi.
12:08 am
[ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> that was good actually. >> jimmy: that was crispy, that one. [ light laughter ] sorry. >> you're on it right now. >> jimmy: so you get in there. yeah. your buddy is in the jeep and you go, you wait in there, buddy. >> you wait in there, buddy. [ light laughter ] so, i get in there and i'm 4 1/2 hours deep. >> jimmy: no! >> yeah. so i go, shoot. [ laughter ] buddy's in the jeep. >> jimmy: nobody leaves bud in the jeep for four -- >> nobody. >> jimmy: if you've seen "dirty dancing" you see nobody leaves buddy in the jeep on my watch. >> so i go to pinto and i'm like, let me text my buddy in the jeep. >> jimmy: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> he's like, "oh, dude, you
12:09 am
can't do that." i'm like, "i know i shouldn't do that." we were just talking. i wasn't conscious of it. >> jimmy: you can't leave your buddy for four hours. >> right. >> jimmy: yeah. >> so i text him, i'm like hey come on in. he's canadian. and he goes, "oh no i'm good, i'm just listening to a hockey game in the jeep." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: in that satellite? >> he doesn't want to leave the jeep. so he inevitably comes in, because i'm like, okay weare going to have one more. >> jimmy: yeah. >> which was like 12. [ light laughter ] it was a lot. >> jimmy: what time did you start the meeting? >> it started around 1:00 and i got, long story kind of made long, i got out of there around midnight. [ laughter ] but -- >> jimmy: is your friend still your friend? >> yeah. actually he's my business manager so he has to be. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: he gets paid for the gig you end up getting. >> literally 5%. he has to be my buddy. >> jimmy: he has to be your buddy forever. we love you, buddy. glad it happened. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and that you got the gig. and you're fantastic. >> thank you.
12:10 am
>> jimmy: and i want to show a a clip here. taylor kitsch in season two of "true detective." this sunday. check it out. >> where are they? >> i don't know. velcoro has the papers. he's turning them into the feds. but i can call them. we set up a meeting. but i skate and i get every [ bleep ] copy of those pictures. >> that's accommodating, maybe >> the court only [ bleep ] me is [ bleep ] dragging down. >> he had me look you up. >> david used all of us an and she's [ bleep ] dead. [ cheers and applause ] that? >> no. no. >> bleep dead. bleep dead. bleep never. [ laughter ]
12:11 am
never mind. >> jimmy: season finale of "true detective" airs sunday at 9:00p.m. on hbo. taylor kitsch and i are playing beer hockey after the break. my man. stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] p now that you have switched to taco bell breakfast what do you eat? this is the bacon egg and cheese biscuit taco. it's warm and it's fluffy. i'm from the south and i know biscuits. my name is olivia. and i am a breakfast defector. [sfx: bong]
12:12 am
chronic plaque psoriasis made a simple trip to the grocery store anything but simple. so finally, i had an with my dermatologist he explained that humira works inside my body to target and help block a specific source of inflammation that contributes to my symptoms. in clinical trials, most adults saw 75% skin clearance. and the majority were clear or almost clear in just 4 months. humira can lower your ability to fight infections, including tuberculosis. serious, sometimes fatal infections and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened; as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. before treatment, get tested for tb. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common, and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. ask your dermatologist about humira. because with humira clearer skin is possible.
12:13 am
laquinta network that's now up to 5 times faster than before you know what he can do? let's see if he's ready. he can swim with the sharks! book your next stay at! some people may think subway doesn't have enough flavor. i'm here to help 'em you know that sandwich you always get? i can make it even better. you ever try this toasted with monterrey cheddar? you know what, why not. ok how about we spice this up a little bit? that sounds amazing. let's rock this sandwich together. subway. eat fresh. lily lily, may i call you lily? you'd ca- lily, i want an iphone, with a great data plan to share pictures of this smile. value plans so the data you don't use this month rolls over to the next. wow. of uploads. my constituents love... to... talk. today's leftover data means a brighter future tomorrow america. write that down. for every line you switch to at&t when you buy any iphone for $0 with an eligible smartphone trade- in.
12:14 am
with dunkin's new cookie-flavored iced coffees. for a limited time, dd perks members can enjoy for $1.99. america runs on dunkin'.
12:15 am
12:16 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guys we are back with the one and only taylor kitsch, my man. [ cheers and applause ] he stars alongside vince vaughn, colin ferrel, and rachel mcadams in "true detective" on hbo. the season finale is this sunday at 9:00 p.m. do not miss that. now taylor kitsch has beaten me at all these other hockey games. i have one final chance tonight in the name of beer hockey. which is the perfect combination of two games, beer pong and air hockey. >> and beer drinking. yes. the rules are simple. if the puck lands in your cup, you have to chug the beer. taylor, you ready for this buddy? start us out. >> all right. >> jimmy: good luck, man. >> good luck, man. >> jimmy: yeah. you're the best, man. >> really hoping you win. >> jimmy: that's embarrassing. you know who would be bummed out about that? >> who? >> jimmy: buddy. [ light laughter ]
12:17 am
[ cheers ] >> early, early, early karma. [ cheers and applause ] are you drunk? >> jimmy: yeah. am i as pretty -- [ light laughter ] >> the pills, the booze. >> jimmy: am i handsome man? [ light laughter ] ready for this? >> yeah. i'm ready. >> jimmy: oh! fake out. [ cheers ] now you know why i fall down. [ cheers and applause ] >> uh-oh. back is against the ropes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right, buddy. >> if you won. >> jimmy: that's great. really? >> no. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: good to see you, man. >> you, too. [ light laughter ] there you have it.
12:18 am
>> jimmy: what? >> oh! >> jimmy: let's do one for fun. the champion right there. taylor kitsch, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] tune in to the season finale of "true detective" this sunday at 9:00. stand up from john rineman after the break. stick around, everybody! cheers, buddy. congrats. [ cheers and applause ]'s not what it looks like. come on liz, it's exactly what it looks like. i - i was - how, how, how could you do this to me? honey, i... i thought we agreed to share him? so that's what you meant by dessert!
12:19 am
psst, scott's home early. is she after our liquid gold? oh, she better not be. our claim runs straight down to the glut'n free stuffin'. it's gluten. there's gold in them thar shells. liquid gold. let me tell you what it's all about a-b-c, it's easy as 1-2-3 as simple as do-re-mi a-b-c, 1-2-3 baby you and me 1-2-3 baby you and me, yeah it's easy to get it all, big and small at i'm gonna teach you how to sing it out come on, come on, come on, come let me tell you what it's all about. they lived.
12:20 am
they lived. they lived. (dad) we lived... thanks to our subaru. (announcer) love. it's what makes a subaru, a subaru. it's just a summer thing double it up this summer with a hot deal from mcdonald's. the $2.50 double combo, a mouth-watering doubre cheeseburger and small fries for just $2.50. (music) did you leave behind something reliable? something that felt like... home? and now you can't connect the way you used to... because you switched wireless carriers and are getting a less reliable connection. it's okay. we're still here for you and we'll be happy to have you back on a reliable network.
12:21 am
come home to verizon and get 10 gigs for $80 a month plus $15 per line. only at verizon.
12:22 am
12:23 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we're joined right now by a very, very funny comedian. he performed for us on "late night" and now he's making his "tonight show" debut. please give a warm welcome to the hilarious jon rineman, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you very much. i'm excited to be here. a little bit about me, i'm a a married person. that's the first thing. coming up on my fourth wedding anniversary, actually. coming up, thank you. [ applause ] i got married in my 20s, though, okay. so there is a lot i didn't know. a lot of stuff. like, for instance, did you know as a guy, when you buy an engagement ring for your girlfriend, it's supposed to cost you the equivalent of
12:24 am
three months salary? you know that? supposed to cost you three months of what you make at work to buy one ring, so i quit my job. [ laughter ] [ applause ] problem solved. we're four years in and we decided we want to have kids. that's right, we're trying for because i finally reached the point where i realized the only friends is to literally make new friends. [ laughter ] [ applause ] clearly my only hope. you got to do what you've got to do. people give you a lot of advice if you're trying to have kids, i feel like. you know the one thing i keep hearing from people is, "hey you know what's good practice for having a kid? getting a pet." that's right, having a pet is good practice for having a a child. yeah, that's totally the same thing, right? you're going to have to bail that rabbit out of jail when it's 16 years- old.
12:25 am
that hamster to college three times until it finds itself. [ laughter ] like, yeah. he thought wanted to run on the wheel and then he switched and then he switched to philosophy and now at he's back home working at best buy. hamsters, what are you going to do? [ laughter ] mixed bag! [ applause ] here's how bad it is. i went to someone's apartment recently, right? and they had a cat there that i had never seen before. and i say, "is that a new cat?" and they go, "yeah, he's adopted." [ light laughter ] to which i said, "oh, you mean you didn't have that cat guess what, idiot, they're all adopted. all right? all the cats are adopted. [ laughter ] that's how it always works with cats and people. i wanted to be a real jerk and be like, "oh was it an open or closed adoption?" [ laughter ] is the mom cat still in the picture? she come by on the weekends and
12:26 am
visit him on the holidays? is she defensive about it? is she like, "look, i had a lot "i was messed up on nip, i was in no condition to be a a mother!" [ cheers and applause ] "but now i'm three years sober. i'm taking some classes from devry, i got eight more lives, i'm going to make every single one of them count!" [ applause ] "i haven't chased a laser in two weeks!" [ laughter ] see, anyone can get a pet. anyone can go out and get a a pet. we can do that. it's not always easy to have a a kid, though. in fact, my wife said if we don't get pregnant early enough, she wants to try and that scares the hell out of me, all right. if you do fertility treatments, pregnant but you might get too pregnant. you know? you might. there's a family in new jersey, the hayes family, they did it
12:27 am
three times for some reason. first time, twins. second time, twins. third time, six kids. who's your fertility clinic, costco? that's unbelievable. [ laughter ] [ applause ] you don't need that many kids. please, just take one or two kids and grab a cheese sample. it will be much easier. [ laughter ] i already know the difficult area it's going to be my wife and i when we have kids -- religion. that's going to very tricky, right. because we're an interfaith couple. that's right, i'm irish catholic. my wife is jewish. so the only thing we both celebrated was that free u2 album. [ laughter ] that was a big deal for us. that was a big one. [ applause ] oh every september, st. bono day. oh, thank you. oh, love it! my wife says she's already got a problem with it. she's afraid that we're going to get competitive with our you know. she's afraid that christmas is
12:28 am
going to wipe out hanukkah. i don't think i'm gonna let that happen, all right. because even though i was raised catholic, i've always been equally taken by the story of hanukkah. we know the story of christmas. a baby was born to a girl who had never had sex before. i mean, big deal. that happened every week in my high school. that's nothing new. [ laughter ] that's an old -- i don't know. it's science, i can't explain it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i don't know. think about hanukkah. think about hanukkah for a a second, right. there's oil that's supposed to last people one day, lasts eight days and eight nights. eight days and eight nights. that's longevity, you know. and i feel like it wins if you compare with modern day circumstances. like i have friends all the time that will be like, "hey, man i had a baby." i'll be like, "oh, hey, good for you." but if one of my friends is like, "hey, my iphone battery lasted a full 24 hours." i'm like, "that's amazing!" [ laughter ] thank you guys very much! [ cheers and applause ]
12:29 am
>> jimmy: jon rineman, everybody. jon rineman! we'll be right back, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]
12:30 am
12:31 am
the inning pinwheel of death. the disappearing wi-fi icon. the frozen download bar. you don't need a magician to fix these things. you need fios internet. get fios 50 meg internet, tv and phone now for $79.99 a month, price guaranteed for 2 years. or, double your speeds for just 10 dollars more a month. and only fios gives you uploads speeds as fast as your download speeds. the 100% fiber optics network is here. get out of the past, get fios.
12:32 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you can give a quick shout-out to -- your mom's here, tonight, isn't she? >> yeah, both my parents. >> jimmy: oh yeah? >> john and nancy rineman. >> jimmy: hey, john and nancy rineman. be proud of this guy. he's doing a great job. [ cheers and applause ] there they are, there. hey, guys!
12:33 am
you got to be proud of this guy. my thanks to steve buscemi, taylor kitsch, jone rineman and the roots, lad es and gentlemen. stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. buh-bye, everybody! [ cheers and applause ]
12:34 am
[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- adam andler, comedienne margaret cho, music from modest mouse. featuring the 8g band with
12:35 am
david lovering. [ cheers and applause ] and now, here he is, seth meyers! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: good evening, everybody. i'm senh meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] good. that is good to hear. you know what? guys, it's a good time t be paying attention to politics. because sometimes politics can be a little bit dry and it can be a little bit boring. and it's like, "oh, there's a new deal with iran." you're like, "oh, that's boring. i don't want to know." but then, someone like donald trump runs for president -- [ laug er ] -- and then it's super, super fun. exce pt everybody else who is running for president. because you can tell they're and he's like, "no, it's not. and i'm winning!" and they're like --
12:36 am
[ groaning ] [ applause ] it's true. it's true. these poor people are like, "i was a senator!" d we're all li , "we hate senators! we like the funny guys." [ laughter ] it keeps getting better. at a campaign event today, donald trump read -- he read senator lindsey graham's cell phone number aloud on live on tv. [ laughter ] it's the craziest thing trump has done s ce whatever he did right before that. [ applause ] and again, that's -- there's no reason to think this the ceiling, the phone number li on tv. like a thing an ex would do just like to -- after a bad breakup. he did that today. look back at that as mor tgenteel time in politics. "i remember the politics where you just read one another's phy,one mbers on television."
12:37 am
republican hopeful rick perry


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on