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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  April 15, 2016 11:34pm-12:37am EDT

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stay ahead of the storm with the nbc 4 new york app. tap the logo in the corner and see the latest forecast and set the weather page as your home screen. download the app on the app store now. >> the tonight show is straight ahead. good night have a great weekend. [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center in the heart of new york city, it's "the
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jimmy fallon." tonight, join jimmy and his guests -- robert de niro, jesse tyler ferguson, comedian nick guerra, and featuring the legendary roots crew. >> questlove: 456! woo! >> steve: and now, here he is, jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: what a great crowd, right there! great new york city crowd. hot crowd. welcome! welcome, welcome, welcome to
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[ cheers and applause ] this is it, you guys. you're here. you made it. this is the show. this is great. thank you very much. i'm your host, jimmy fallon. guys, just a reminder that this monday is tax day. that one day of the year even democrats turn into republicans. you know what i'm saying? [ applause ] of course, last night cnn hosted the ninth democratic debate featuring hillary clinton and bernie sanders. [ scattered cheers ] and after a lot of rowdy republican debates, people were looking forward to a more focused, calm exchange between the two democrats. [ laughter ] so let's see how it went. >> wait a minute. wait a minute -- >> that is not accurate. >> i have stood on the debate stage with senator sanders -- >> can i -- >> eight prior times. >> excuse me. >> i have said the exact same things -- >> secretary, senator, please. >> if we can raise it to 15 in new york and los angeles, let's do it. >> secretary -- >> if you're both screaming at each other, the viewers won't
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[ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: the viewers won't be -- the viewers are like, "oh, we switched channels 20 minutes ago." [ laughter ] i haven't seen two liberals that angry since two priuses crashed in a whole foods parking lot. [ laughter and applause ] that was the last time. >> steve: very angry. >> jimmy: and bernie sanders was very adamant in last night's debate. but i think something he said came off a little differently than he how meant it. listen to this. >> this is what you do do. what you do do -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what you do do. this is what you do do. [ laughter ] >> steve: what you do do. >> jimmy: no wonder bernie's the number two candidate right now. [ laughter ] >> steve: hey, oh! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: this is what you do do. >> steve: oh. >> jimmy: actually, that clip has gotten so much attention, bernie just came out with a new song called "this is what you
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[ laughter ] check it out. this is what you do do what you do do number two while it is true the next yahoo is in my view just repeating it doesn't make it true [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is what you do do. this is what you do do this is what you do do this is what you do do i said this is what you do do [ cheers and applause ] oh. this is what you do do. i love that jam, man. yeah. oh, get this here. i saw that several alumni of "the apprentice" held a press conference today to say that donald trump should not be president. while on the other hand gary busey went to the park to register squirrels to vote. [ laughter ] "president trump will save your acorns." [ applause ] meanwhile, ted cruz and his wife appeared in a town hall on cnn recently. and ted cruz's wife said that after they got back from their
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of campbell's chunky soup. but to be fair, i feel like anyone who has watched this election is probably stocking up on canned goods. [ laughter and applause ] bring them down to the bunker! that makes 50, 75. and cruz's daughters were also at the town hall. they said that if they end up in the white house, they want to have taylor swift over for dinner. [ light laughter ] then ted cruz said, "i hope she likes chunky soup." [ laughter and applause ] "because i have 200 cans in the living room." you guy, we have robert de niro on the show tonight! [ cheers and applause ] robert de niro, the one and only. he's celebrating the 40th anniversary of "taxi driver." [ cheers ] 40 years? which obviously gave us the quote, "you talking to me?" [ light laughter ] as opposed to uber drivers who inspired the quote, "stop talking to me." [ laughter and applause ] stop talking. i'm fine, i'm fine. just drive. i'm very happy.
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the head of the tsa announced that they are going to introduce some new policies in an effort to increase airport security. critics are saying these changes could lead to even longer lines. some of these new policies -- i know, traveling, so much fun. [ light laughter ] some of these new policies do seem that they'll make traveling more inconvenient. take a look at this example. first, the old policy is -- tsa employee puts on blue gloves, then pats you down. the new policy is -- tsa employee puts on blue gloves, then dims the lights, lights a candle, pops a bottle of champagne, then pats you down. [ cheers and applause ] see that makes longer. >> steve: a lot longer, it does. >> jimmy: the old policy was -- place your personal items in the plastic bin. the new policy is -- try to use as many bins as possible. really spread out. try to hit 35 bins if you can. [ applause ] >> steve: keys, wallet. >> jimmy: finally, the old policy -- tsa says please take off your belt and shoes. the new tsa policy is -- please take off your belt and
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"feelin' good" by nina simone. [ cheers and applause ] this is what you do do. [ laughter ] did you guys see this? a reddit user posted a photo with the caption "my great-great-grandfather looks just like matthew mcconaughey." right? and it's actually pretty amazing. this is a real photo. see for yourself. not bad. [ audience ohs ] he looks less like he drives a a lincoln, more like he shot lincoln. [ laughter ] too soon? [ laughter ] >> steve: i knew lincoln. >> jimmy: no, you didn't. [ laughter ] well, this isn't good. i just read that cicadas are coming back next month. [ audience groans ] these unusual insects, they spend almost all of their lives in holes under ground and only emerge once every 17 years to mate. sort of like any couple with a a netflix account.
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[ cheers and applause ] finally, this photo is going viral. and it's our pal michael buble. and we love him. and, uh, a friend of ours. he was spotted at disneyland. did you see this? >> steve: yeah. of course i saw it. >> jimmy: this is -- [ laughter ] he's spotted at disneyland this week eating corn on the cob. but he was eating it in an interesting way. we hate to do this to him, but here, take a look. this is it. [ laughter ] disneyland was like, "hey, man, this is a family place." [ laughter ] even the corn was like, "at least buy me a drink first." [ laughter ] we love you, buble. we have a great show. give it up for the roots! get ready guys!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, whoa. you guys ready? this is a hot show tonight, hot! [ cheers and applause ] robert de niro is on the show tonight. >> steve: oh, we love him. got the twelve o'clock news blues [ light laughter ] i'm obsessed with this song, the styx song. >> steve: it's a modern song? >> jimmy: no, styx. >> steve: oh, styx. >> jimmy: it's the song "too much time on my hands." you know that song? [ laughter and applause ] it's a great song. you know, the lyrics are "i got the twelve o'clock news blues." yeah. we were looking at videos and stuff. just fantastic video, it's on youtube. can we just show a little bit of the video? just for people to see? look at this. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: that's unbeliveable. look at the graphic -- look at the effects. these director is like what is he? like a car -- look. oh, he points at it. trick it up down, up down, up down, up down, up down. wham. to this dude. he's got tennis whites on. he's going for it. this is the video. look at the technology here.
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jumpsuit. come on, yes! >> steve: aw, turquoise jumpsuit. >> jimmy: higgins, he's going to start singing. oh, that's right. they do a little sketch. flips the cigar all the way around. sitting on this bar stool talking like a damn fool got the twelve o'clock news blues [ cheers and applause ] got the twelve o'clock news blues sittin' at the bar stool [ applause ] [ rhythmic clapping ] sitting on this bar stool talking like a damn fool got the twelve o'clock news blues >> jimmy: that's a jam. >> steve: eye work too. >> jimmy: that is a jam. [ cheers ] got the twelve o'clock news blues. >> steve: yeah, man. >> jimmy: at 12:00 a.m.?
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12:00 a.m. but it looked like it was like 12:00 p.m. >> jimmy: it was not noon. >> steve: looks like it was at a bar at noon dressed in his yeoman purser outfit from "love boat." >> jimmy: yeah, no, he's a a pilot, apparently. >> steve: or in some sort of naval capacity. >> jimmy: well, he wasn't even the one singing. it's the other guy. >> steve: yeah, he's the drummer. >> jimmy: yeah, the drummer is cool. he doesn't have the news blues. >> steve: no. [ light laughter ] the singer does. >> jimmy: singer does. >> steve: tommy shaw. tommy shaw has the twelve o'clock blues. >> jimmy: he's got the twelve o'clock news blues. >> steve: not the twelve o'clock -- >> both: blue's clues. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's a totally different thing. >> jimmy: that's the update on the song. sitting at the bar stool talking like a damn fool got the twelve o'clock blue's clues yeah. >> steve: steves wearing stripes. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: steve's wearing stripes. we have a giant, giant show tonight. he was the very first guest on our very first "late night" show and it's always an honor to have him come back and visit. we love him. one of the greatest actors of all time. one of the founders of the tribeca film festival, which just kicked off its 15th year. robert de niro is here! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: ok , okay. >> steve: come on! love him. >> jimmy: he's a stud. >> steve: he's the best! >> jimmy: i love that dude. >> steve: he's a gentleman! quest's impression. >> jimmy: he does one of the worst impressions i've ever seen of robert de niro. [ light laughter ] also from "modern family", this guy is getting rave reviews. oh, my gosh. he's on the broadway show, one-man show, "fully committed." the very talented jesse tyler ferguson is dropping by. [ cheers and applause ] apparently amazing, unbelievable. i can't wait to see it. and we've got great stand-up -- we always have new stand-ups on the show, we try to give them some exposure. this guy is fantastic. nick guerra is here. [ cheers and applause ] "love: the nick's tape." funny, funny guy. guys, last week we asked everyone at home to send in videos of their kids doing their best donald trump impressions. [ light laughter ] and we have so many submissions -- [ laughter ] they were all great. so, now please take a look at some of our favorites.
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trump edition." here we go. [ cheers and applause ] tonight show kid impressions >> we have to start by building a wall, a big, beautiful, powerful wall. >> we need to build a wall. a big, beautiful, glorious wall. >> build a wall. gonna make it huge. [ laughter ] gonna make mexico pay for it. and make america great again. [ laughter ] >> i'll build a wall. and make mexico pay for it. it's gonna be huuuge. [ laughter ] >> we will have so much winning, if i get elected, that you may get bored with winning. >> i'm doing so good and i'm going to win and once i win, we will win so much that everyone will be sick of winning. [ laughter ] >> the guy's a serious loser. >> if you don't want to build a a wall, you're a loser. [ laughter ]
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and make america great again. or you're gonna be a loser. [ laughter ] >> hi, my name is donald trump. and i'm here with my beautiful wife melania. and -- [ laughter ] >> what was that? what's your name? >> my name's donald trunk. >> woah! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: donald trunk. >> steve: donald trunk. >> jimmy: thank you to all the kids for the hilarious videos. we'll be back with more of "the tonight show", everybody. [ cheers and applause ] and during this event, you can get a great deal on this jetta. it drives great... volkswagen believes safety is very important so all eleven models come standard with an intelligent crash response system... hmm..... .....and seven stability-enhancing systems... hmm... ...for more confidence... on road trips. hmmfff... hmm...
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back, everybody. i'm sitting at the bar stool i'm talking like a damn fool i got the 12:00 news blues >> jimmy: guys, today is friday. that's usually when i catch up on some personal stuff. i check my inbox, i return some e-mails -- [ cheers ] and, of course, i send out thank you notes. and i've got to -- i'm running late. [ cheers and applause ] i was wondering -- if you don't mind, i'd like to write some out right now, some thank you notes. james, can i get some thank you note writing music please? [ laughter ] is he upset about something? something i said. >> steve: do a little dennis deyoung right there. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. >> steve: look at that pocket square. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, it's poking out
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>> steve: a little triangle. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> steve: he's a cutie. >> jimmy: thank you, last night's democratic debate, for answering the question -- what would it look like if my grandparents fought on national tv? [ laughter and applause ] i guess so. >> steve: oh, okay. and change. >> jimmy: thank you, shaquille o'neal, for sitting courtside at kobe bryant's final game with the lakers. or as everyone sitting behind you put it, "guess i'll see the highlights on tv. " [ laughter ] [ applause ] got the 12:00 news blues [ laughter ] >> jimmy: thank you,
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for hillary this week at a a place called the hebrew home for the aging, although people living there still prefer its original name -- florida. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: hey-oh! hey! >> jimmy: that's a good jam. [ cheers and applause ] the 12:00 news blues jam. i'm obsessed with it right now. >> steve: i know. you've been talking about it all week. >> jimmy: i can't get it out of my head. i love it. >> steve: because you've got too much time on your hands. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: too much song in my head. >> steve: no! [ laughter ] don't say that. song in my head >> jimmy: man, i got blues clues, man. i'm brained. i got steve on the brain. >> jimmy: thank you, microsoft,
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exact opposite of viagra. [ audience ohs ] >> steve: hey! that's a thinker. that's a shower. >> jimmy: that's barely a a thinker. >> steve: no, apparently they didn't think about it -- apparently they thought about it. uh, no thank you. >> jimmy: thank you, bernie sanders, for joining a a picket line with striking verizon workers, marking the first time you've ever had to say, "can you hear me now?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] can you hear me now? yes, we can hear you, bernie. >> jimmy: thank you, bumper stickers, for being automobile tramp stamps. [ laughter ] there you guys have it. those are my thank you notes. we'll be right back with robert de niro. [ cheers and applause ] with the new money monopoly game at mcdonald's, you've got a 1 in 4 chance of winning
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our first guest this evening is a multiple academy award winning actor and one of the founders of the tribeca film festival which is celebrating its 15th year with a special screening of martin scorsese's legendary film "taxi driver" on thursday, april 21st. please welcome back to the show, robert de niro,
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: good to see you. thank you for coming back to the show. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i appreciate you coming back. we love having you. >> thank you. i'm glad to be here. >> jimmy: you know, you were the first guest ever when we started our show. now we do this every time you come here but i thank you so much. because when you start a new show, it's hard to book these shows. [ laughter ] we're not saying that, no. but no. >> find out who your real friends are. >> jimmy: yeah, you find out who your real friends are. i go, who is the biggest star in the world and also represents new york as well? i go, "let's shoot for the moon and let's call robert de niro." and we got the moon. [ cheers and applause ] we got you buddy. i appreciate you doing that. i'll never forget that. i love you.
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festival. >> yes. >> jimmy: that's unbelievable. [ cheers ] seems like it just started. >> i know. >> jimmy: how much work is it? is it grueling? >> i don't do all the day-to-day work. jane rosenthal and the whole team do it. and they do a great job. they're going to be mad at me because i'm not mentioning everybody's name. >> jimmy: no, no, you can't say everybody. that's too many people. how many people are involved? when you first started it was just you and jane, right? handful? >> many, many, many people were involved. volunteers at that time. now it's restructured. but there's a lot of people that make it -- >> jimmy: it has to never end. it's just constantly, everyday thinking about what are we going to do next year for this next festival? >> yeah it's over, then it starts up towards the end of the year for the next spring or even earlier. during the summer, it's always ongoing, actually. because finding movies, submissions, finding the films wherever they are around the world. >> jimmy: you also set up cool talks too. events to go to. tom hanks will be interviewed. this year you're doing j.j. abrams being interviewed by chris rock.
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: which is going to be fantastic. come on, that's the way to do it. [ cheers and applause ] it's just so fun. if you're in new york, you gotta go to the tribeca film festival because it's a a week-long thing. or weeks. >> ten, eleven days. >> jimmy: of events and fun things. why did you decide to do this? >> well, originally it was because of 9/11, and the neighborhood was depressed and nothing was happening down there. so we had -- we would go to restaurants in the area and try and drum up business for the restaurants there. then we'd always been talking about doing a film festival, but never seriously. and then when 9/11 happened, we thought, well, maybe this is something that could happen that would help to revitalize lower manhattan and da-da-da -- that's how it started. >> jimmy: i remember the first year, i did a bit with you on the first year of the tribeca film festival, it was great. you guys didn't have a closing ceremony because you just figured, i just everyone stay here in the neighborhood.
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nobody leave. just bring business back to downtown. i thought it was brilliant and it was subtle and it was cool. new york loves you for that. there's also fun different events you can do and like, kind of tech stuff and seeing what's the future of movies and film and tv and everything. and this year, one of the things is virtual reality. >> yes. >> jimmy: so you tried it for first time. >> i did. well i tried it before, but it was -- yeah. >> jimmy: it was called drugs. >> yeah, right. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: now it's a physical thing. you put on your head. yeah. this is a picture of you using virtual reality. which i just love. [ laughter ] what are you experiencing in this? >> i was in solitary confinement. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it looks like you actually are in solitary confinement, but there is a a cameraman there. there's nothing there. so you were in like a box? >> they asked me to go and experience it for like nine minutes. so they show you the whole, you know, the whole cell from different angles, but when you
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hands or anything or my legs, because they're not there. but it was interesting. just the whole experience of getting a sense of what solitary confinement, and this particular exhibit, if you will, was about that. and forgive me, everyone, the organization that had me go in there, but it was about showing how horrible it was. >> jimmy: you think it's going to eventually -- i guess it probably has already happened. but is film going to go that way? >> yeah. i mean, the thing that i was thinking of is that, you know, i was looking down. and i was looking at the door where there was a window where the guard passes and stuff. >> jimmy: were you trying to escape? >> no, no. [ laughter ] but i wanted to get up and go over there, and if i got up and i was in a situation like there's a step or something, i could trip because you forget that you're not -- >> jimmy: it's that real. >> that's the thing i was wondering, how would you deal with that?
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you've have to be reminded with a strap or something, that's not where you really are. [ laughter ] unless you are taking drugs. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, then it becomes too real. but it's interesting to watch where that changed from where you first started. "taxi driver," 40 years. that happened fast. 40 years. [ cheers and applause ] congratulations, obviously, on that film. on everyone's favorite lists, and then martin scorsese, jodie foster, cybill shepherd, paul schrader, the writer. and you will be all talking, discussing the film. >> and michael phillips, the producer. >> jimmy: at the time in the '70s. you just did what, "godfather ii" i believe, right? >> yeah, i had done "godfather ii" and just finished "1900" with bernardo bertolucci, and was in italy for about eight months. and so, as soon as i got back, we started a few weeks later "taxi driver." >> jimmy: did you see the --
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marlon brando documentary? >> i did. >> jimmy: "listen to me?" what did you think of that? >> i thought it was great. >> jimmy: it starts off, i don't know if you saw it. but you can get it on something, youtube or something. >> showtime. >> jimmy: showtime or something. [ laughter ] it starts off with a hologram of his face. and he's going like -- [ brando voice ] "this is the future. [ light laughter ] this is -- the people -- there are gonna be no more actors and it's going to be a virtual." he calls it like virtual reality is going to be the future. i go, that's so interesting to see marlon brando in that documentary with the hologram head of his, but it's his real voice talking. then this is robert de niro in virtual reality in solitary confinement. this is all the future. this is all happening right now. >> that's what we're doing. i've done it a little bit in some the movies, but i'm doing it in the movie with scorsese that has a title now called "the irishman" where there were earlier years where we're younger and we've been doing tests to show that we're, you know, that we're younger, obviously, 30 years or so.
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nicely. a lot of people starting to do it more. as you see in "benjamin button," they did it. so it's getting more and more perfected. that will extend my career another 30, 40 years. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: please! don't want it to ever end. we love you. come back, the next movie you have coming out. we always love having you here. we love you, love you so much. [ cheers and applause ] robert de niro and the tribeca film festival runs through april 24th here in new york city. jesse tyler ferguson joins us after the break. stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause ] with my moderate to severe ulcerative colitis, the possibility of a flare was almost always on my mind. thinking about what to avoid, where to go... and how to deal with my uc. to me, that was normal. until i talked to my doctor. she told me
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: not only does our next guest star in the emmy award-winning show "modern family," which he's fantastic in. [ cheers and applause ] i know. we love him. you can also see him on broadway in "fully committed" at the lyceum theatre right here in new york city.
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jesse tyler ferguson. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: j.f. >> hi. >> jimmy: woah, woah, woah, j.f. j.t.f. >> j.t.f. >> jimmy: j.t.f. >> yeah. have we never thought of that before? what's your middle name? >> jimmy: tyler. [ laughter ] it's thomas. >> is it? >> jimmy: james thomas fallon. >> that's a sweet name. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. thank you for being -- we always have fun with you. we always love having you on the show. we always do fun, silly things when you're here. and i appreciate it. thank you for always doing those. >> yes, happy to be here. >> jimmy: last time you were here, you raced with a nascar driver. you almost hit people. >> i did. well, i hit cones. >> jimmy: yeah, well, here is a a picture of you. you hit four -- you rolled over -- [ laughter ] it was dangerous. >> yeah, i'm not even looking at the road. i'm just like, "what's over there?" >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. what's over there?
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who i was racing was justin bieber. i'm not kidding. and he won. [ laughter ] as he does in everything in life. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: happy you came back. it's a great night for you to come back. of course, we've got you and robert de niro. >> very exciting. i love him. >> jimmy: who doesn't love him? >> i've never met him. i was too afraid to say hi backstage. [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: you didn't say hi to robert de --? >> no. >> jimmy: he's the nicest guy. >> i know. he looked really nice, but then, you know -- i don't know. i'm just shy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i'm a baby. oh, no, you should have met him. >> i know. >> jimmy: he's the coolest. you've never met him? >> i never met him. ed o'neill -- every time he comes into town he always stays at the greenwich hotel which i think robert de niro might be an investor in. he has the restaurant that's right there. anyway, ed o'neill always says -- i was like, "where are you staying?" he's like, "i'm at bobby de niro's place." [ light laughter ] like he's staying at his house or something. >> jimmy: oh, please, yeah. you're at a hotel he invested in. >> bobby de niro's place. >> jimmy: yeah, robert de niro is not there. >> yeah, he's not there. >> jimmy: no, it's not -- >> maybe he is. >> jimmy: no, it's not his place. >> yeah.
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changing your sheets. >> he might be. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, he might be. >> i don't know what he does during the day. >> jimmy: i've never stayed at his place. yeah, that's true. i gotta say congratulations again on "modern family," obviously, but "fully committed." this thing is unbelievable. one-man show. my friend mario batali just saw you last night. he couldn't stop saying great things about you. he said this is one of the best things he's ever seen. >> it's -- god, that's such a a compliment. especially coming from him. it gives me real street cred. because it's about a a restaurant. [ light laughter ] no, it's about a restaurant. >> jimmy: yeah, "fully committed" is not about, you know, going -- >> being crazy. >> jimmy: crazy. it's about -- >> that's my real life. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: that's your autobiography coming out. >> exactly. no, it's about this guy sam who's a reservationist at a a very hot restaurant. and no one can get a table. and i play all the people calling in to the restaurant trying to get a table. i also play the french maitre d', i play the hostess, i play gwyneth paltrow's assistant, brice. [ laughter ] so it's 40 characters in a a 90-minute show, and i'm playing everyone. >> jimmy: 40 characters and you play everyone. [ cheers and applause ]
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>> jimmy: who does that? >> some respect! >> jimmy: but i mean, i saw you in "spelling bee" i don't know how many years ago. >> about 10 years ago, yeah. >> jimmy: and you blew everyone's mind then. >> thank you. >> jimmy: is it easier, different than a musical? harder? >> i thought it would be easier because you don't have to sing. but, like, it truly is like singing for 90 minutes because i'm using all different octaves of my voice. you know, i'm up high for some of the women roles, it's down low for -- i have a guy who has laryngitis. you know, it's like -- so it's like all over the map. so basically i'm like the elphaba of the season if you know "wicked." [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah. do you have to do like vocal warm-ups and exercises and teas? >> i'm working with this vocal coach, kate wilson, who's on the staff at juilliard. and she gives me all these great vocal warm-ups. she helped me with my accents. but i have to like warm up before the show as if i'm about to sing. so like -- i do like these weird things. like, to get my resonators working she has me doing -- they're so weird, by the way. [ light laughter ] she has me do this thing where i put my hand over my face and
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my mind is my own. [ laughter ] my mind -- [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: what? so if you're walking past your dressing room -- >> both: my mind is my own. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: my mind is my own. >> see how much better you sound now. >> jimmy: i do. >> yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wow. that's a great one. you do that. so could you -- i don't mean to put you on the spot, but you're here. could you give me a taste of any of the characters? >> well, like i have a french maitre d' named jean-claude. he's like -- [ french accent ] "i don't know who he is. i didn't know who justin bieber was. i would have had a table ready for him." he's sort of like, basically like out of "ratatouille." and then i have -- my hostess is from east london and i kind of modeled her off of adele. she's like "thank you. a photographer from 'bon appetit' magazine here for the share." [ laughter ]
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a dude who's like, "what do you el about my frozen polenta?" [ laughter ] he's kind of like a jerk. >> jimmy: i love that you manspread. >> i have to manspread a little there. i have to. that's part of the character. that's why i can get so low. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, uh -- we love having you here, always. and congrats on everything. i'm going to come, i'm going to sneak in. >> yeah, please do. >> jimmy: i'm not gonna tell you when i'm coming. >> you can buy a ticket. you don't have to sneak in. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, i'm going to buy a ticket. but i'm not going to tell you i'm coming. you know i'm a giant fan of yours. and everyone, you have to go see jesse tyler ferguson on "fully committed" at the lyceum theatre. [ cheers and applause ] go to to get tickets. goes until july 24th. nick guerra performs stand up for us after the break. stick around everybody. [ cheers and applause ] hey pal? you ready?
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: our next guest is a a recent nbc stand-up showcase winner, and his comedy album "love: the nick's tape" is available on itunes. making his tonight show debut, please welcome the very funny nick guerra. [ cheers and applause ] >> what's up? hello, "tonight show." how are you guys doing? [ cheers ] awesome, awesome. we'll get started. i'm the type of person that if i know i'm not going to see any of you tomorrow, i'm going to wear the same clothes tomorrow. anybody else like that? [ laughter ] right? because sometimes, you're like, "you know what, i only wore this for four hours and it was mostly in air conditioning.
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[ laughter ] i'm addicted to online articles, right? i love relationship advice, especially bad relationship advice. because, you know, yeah -- it's perfect, isn't it? because you'll always see, like, articles where it's like "we interviewed 100 men and here's the two things they want in a woman" or "we interviewed two women and here's the 146 things they want in a man." [ laughter and applause ] number one trait? number one trait on that list, height. women want a tall guy, right? yeah, yeah. i'm 5'5", thank you, ladies. [ laughter ] i know. they want height because when they go out, they want to wear heels, live it up and feel protected. i'm not doing any of that for you. okay? i got this suit from a a build-a-bear. [ laughter ] i'm not intimidating. right? i'm not intimidating. i'm petite. all right? yeah, i know what i look like. one time, i stood near a a woman's restroom, and a line formed behind me. can you believe that? [ laughter ] for 10 minutes i just stood
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formed -- waiting. [ laughter ] but don't get me wrong. i'll never stop a girl that i go out with from having a good time, right? girls just want to turn down for what. [ laughter ] never stop them. because it's fun for me. you know? because then i get to figure out how drunk she is. yeah. yeah, because women come in three levels of drunk. bossy, flirty and sleepy. there's three levels. and it's always in that order. bossy comes first, right? you ever notice that after a a glass of wine or one beer. your girl's like "guess who's here?" and she just starts hashtagging things. like, #irunthis, #doingbigthings. #beyoncehalftime. [ laughter ] you guys are so nice. if you've been with your woman long enough, right? you know all you got to do is match her demeanor, and you'll survive the night. right? yeah, so if she gets excited about something, you get excited about the same thing. and if she gets mad at something, you better get mad at the same thing.
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yeah, or she'll get mad at you. because women are like tupac when it comes to emotions. yeah, they're like "you with me or not? ride or die. we're going after the label, staff and their crew." [ laughter and applause ] calm down, becky! after a few more drinks, flirty shows up, right? and every man can tell when his woman's feeling flirty, because one eyelid starts closing more than the other. you ever notice that? [ laughter ] right? she looks like a sexy pirate. she's like "grr, grr." you've got to get her home. if that eyelid is at half-mast, you got to get her home, she's about to lose her depth perception, and walking becomes optional. okay? [ laughter ] it does. especially if they're in full go out mode where they've got the tight dress that they're constantly pulling down and picking up, pulling down and picking up. right? yeah. they've got the 4-inch heels. you know? then the big purse. have you seen the face of that woman? she's just like "keep it together, keep it together, keep it together." [ laughter ] "i wish i had wedges."
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one time, i went out with a a girl who got so drunk, she just gave up on movement. halfway through the date. yeah, she was just slowly kneeling down. and she's just like, "it's okay. go on without me. it's all right. i'll dance to my cell phone. it's okay." [ laughter ] it's fun. you can always tell when your woman's feeling flirty and good, right, when she goes from talking to everybody to just sitting by herself in a corner. yeah, and giggling to herself. just giggling, just [ giggling ] feeling myself. feeling myself. i'm cute, right, babe? that's all they want to know when they're drunk. how cute are they? women love the word cute. some of you perked up when i said it, right? and they'll test you. "i'm cute, right, babe?" yes, babe, you're cute. "i'm cuter than everything ever. right, babe?" yes, you're cuter than all the evers. "i'm cuter than all your dumb exes. right, babe?" yes, babe, you're cuter than all my dumb exes. "because sophia was cute, but i'm cuter than sophia, right?" that's a trick question. okay? yeah, because they've got you on the telemarketer. yes, yes, yes, yes roll. so what are you going to say, yes, you're cuter than sophia. "so you've been comparing us,
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[ laughter ] and they got you. because women always wantg to see if they can pull you into an argument, right? they prepare arguments for weeks. they make arguments like spiders make webs, right? [ laughter ] they do, they always get them ready. they're like "and he didn't say i was cute. and he had lunch without me. and he hangs out with todd, and i hate todd." and they set up an argument web, with a bunch of points that only make sense to them. and a bunch of things you said that you don't remember you said them, but they remember you said them. they remember everything you said ever since the beginning of the relationship. [ cheers and applause ] and they twist and they tie and they make it real sticky, and they're just like "ahh!" they just sit there. and it's like charlotte's web. it just says boss, right at the top. you guys have been great. thank you so much. i'm nick guerra. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. come on, brother. nick guerra! he'll be at stand-up scottsdale june 23rd through the 25th. we'll be right back, everybody. nick guerra!
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he say's we should punish women who have abortions. there has to be some form of punishment. that mexicans who come to america are rapists. they're rapists. and that we should ban muslims from coming here at all. total and complete shut down. donald trump say's we can solve americas problems by turning against each other. it's wrong and it goes against
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america stand for. with so much at stake, she's the one tough enough to stop trump. hillary clinton.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to robert de niro, jesse tyler ferguson, nick guerra once again, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you for watching. have a great weekend. i hope to see you next week. bye, everybody.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers." tonight -- senator bernie sanders. legendary tap dancer and choreographer savion glover. music from brandi carlile. featuring the 8g band with brann dailor. [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers! >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause ] excellent to hear. you're here on a good one. senator bernie sanders is here tonight. so --


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