? lamont: what? you didn't finish your supper. don't you want any dessert? i made you some jell-o. no, thank you, grady. well, i promised your daddy i'd take good care of you while he was away in st. louis. now, come on down here and eat your jell-o. i don't want no jell-o, grady! hmm. well, i guess i'll have to eat it myself. i used to know a girl who could do that. right. her name was lottie the body. she was as mellow as jello.

[laughing] what's the matter-- what's the matter with you, grady? haven't you ever seen anybody wear a ascot before? is that what you call that? that's right, it's a ascot. see, over in england, this is what all the rich dudes wear at the racetrack. a ascot. oh, then that's why you look like a horse's ascot. my, goodness, and just look at the rest of you. look at that jacket. don't tell me, i know. that's what the well-dressed hot dog man wears at the racetrack. you don't know nothing, do you, grady? i know a sissy when i see one. and you sure look like a sissy to me. this happens to be a lounging jacket, grady, and it's what you wear around the house. see, i got it on sale at phil's fashion box.

oh, well, you better wear it around the house, 'cause if you wear that thing at the pool hall, that mark down will get you a knock down. uh, listen, i don't wish to discuss this any further. i must check out my stash for this evening's festivities. oh, goodness, check out your stash. is that what you gonna do? just wear that thing around the house tonight? hey, grady, have you been in my wine? who, me? and now it's just about empty. it was a ros?. a who? it was a pink wine, a ros?. oh, well, you're better off without that stuff. because that ros? was lousy. is that what we gonna do tonight, just sit around and look at some television and drink some wine? uh, that's what i'm going to do, grady. you are leaving.

oh, well, you won't bother me. i know that, grady, but you'll be bothering us. now look, man, this is still my house and i got a right to have company over here and be alone with her if i want to. oh, sure, you've got a right. but your father left me in charge of this house, and he told me that while he was away, that i was to enforce his number one rule: no orgees. you mean orgies, don't you, grady? yeah, none of that, either. words, i gotta go upstairs and change my clothes and take my date out somewhere, huh? ok. i'm not going to forget this, grady. but just remember one thing. just 'cause you sitting in my pop's chair, doesn't mean you the boss of this house. well, he left me in charge, so i guess that that's what that means! i'm the boss. and now the boss is gonna look at the little television. [knock on door]

hey, lamont, your young lady is here. hi. hi. uh, he just went upstairs to get out of his ascot, he'll be right down. who? lamont. that's who you came to see, isn't it? why, no, duckie. i'm here to see you. uh, wait a minute. i don't understand. you mean, you came to see me? n won't come to mohammed, then mohammed will come to the mountain. so here i am! your little miss mohammed. oh, no, no, now wait a minute! now you gotta tell me some more. now, is your name really miss mohammed? are you a muslim? no, silly! you mean you don't remember? it's betty. betty heston.

oh, yeah, sure. yes, what would you like? well, for sentimental reasons, why don't we have what we had that night? boilermakers. boilermakers? we had boilermakers? yeah, a shot of bourbon and a glass of beer. we had about 14 of them. and we never once stirred from that booth. oh, if i would have had 14 beers, i would have stirred at least once. we was in a booth? uh-huh. yeah? are we gonna have some drinks? oh, yeah, sure. i'll get us a couple of beers. you do that, honey. betty. betty heston. betty--betty heston? wow. where was i?

oh, lord, i hope this isn't a paternity suit. come on, sit down. don't be scared! you naughty thing. i should be angry at you. again tonight. we did? where? at fancy dan's bar and grill. it's a good thing you told me about your business, sanford and son, or i never would have known where to find you. remember now? you remember. oh, you dog! i should have known right from the start. you think i'm fred sanford. [laughing] that's so funny!

no? no. who are you, darling? laurence olivier? oh, fred, i could never forget that scraggly beard. or that cologne you were wearing. what was it? brut. ooh! that's it. and you smelled like a brute that night. you rubbed your scraggly beard against my face and i remember thinking to myself, ver felt so good. yeah, uh, please, my leg is going to sleep. [stammering] now, listen, miss horseton, heston. yeah, well, whatever it is, uh, look, you see, i am not fred sanford. he's in st. louis. he went there to attend his cousin's funeral and to be with his family. and he told me to just stay around here

eally looking for is in st. louis. you are the cutest little liar. are all those things you said to me that night lies, too? what things? about how you were a hero during world war ii. how they dropped you behind the enemy line and you posed as a japanese soldier. oh, well, you see, fred sanford is shorter than i am. but i could never be taken for no japanese. chinese, maybe, but not japanese. now, fred, you've got to stop playing games with me. i think i know why you're trying to deny everything. i am not fred! but you can't get out of it. get out of what? you proposed to me. i did? i mean, he did?

too. oh, it was so cute. you said, "freddy's ready for betty." wait a minute, now, no, no! now, look. hey, no, no, just wait a minute, beady... betty. yeah, well, whatever it is. no, now i'm telling you for the last time, i am not fred sanford. but even if i was, what would it take one? you need some money or something? or, how about some food stamps? or maybe you'd like something out of the junkyard. sure, go ahead, take anything out in the junkyard you want. there ain't but one thing i want. that's y-o-u. i want you, freddy. no, no, no you don't! no, no, no, help! no, hey, look, lamont! lamont!

hey, look. oh, thank goodness, you're still here. now, look, this lady was out drinking with your father one night, and she claims that he proposed to her. and now she's saying that i'm fred sanford. for pete's sakes, will you please tell her who i am? oh, sure, that's easy. he's the boss, fred sanford. i'll see you later, pop. no, no! hey, no! oh, fred! i'm gonna get you.

hey, good morning, grady. say, good morning, grady. hey, you shouldn't do that. you scared me to death. hey, what happened last night after i left? 'cause when i got home, you was asleep. well, how come you didn't stay around and tell that lady who i was? you could have cleared everything up. no, i couldn't do that, grady. you kicked me out of my own house

yeah, well, you sure left me in a bad spot. hey, how'd you get rid of her, anyway? well, when your father gets in trouble, he either has arthritis or a heart attack. and i had them both. plus, a severe case of abdominal cramps. you mean gas, don't you? hey, listen, you better stick around in case that lady comes back, and then you can tell her who i am. uh, i'd like to do that, grady, but i gotta make a pick up with the truck, t, you know how those-- you know. hey, wait a minute, you can't leave me in a spot like this! suppose she comes back, and then what am i going to do? what am i gonna say to her? well, i'll tell you what, grady. why don't you try to stall her off for a few days until pop gets back, and then he'll think of something to tell her. well, suppose she doesn't want to wait. in that case, congratulations. hey, hey, wait a minute! hey, i need help, and you're the only one who can help me!

i need help, bad. oh, i know what. i'll call my lawyer friend, sonny cochran. yeah, why didn't i think of that before? yeah, i'll just call my friend and have him come over here and straighten this whole thing out. and if that doesn't work, i'll call the national guard. hello, sonny? good-bye, sonny. here i am, fred. ready to move in. hey, wait a minute, wait a minute! you didn't say nothing about no moving in here. well, we're getting married anyway, fred. besides, i'm one of them free-thinking women,

hey, listen, you didn't believe me last night when i was trying to tell you, but maybe you'll believe me today. see, my name is not fred sanford. my name is, uh, um, uh, yeah, grady wilson, there it is. now, do you believe me? my ex-husband had an alias, too. what were you in for? now, listen, miss hairpin-- heston. yeah, well why won't you believe me? because i think you just scared about but you'll get over it. i'm going to make you real happy. you'll see. ooh. i sure do like this nice big kitchen. you know what would be nice, fred? no, what would be nice? if we went to fancy dan's bar and grill tonight. and we sat in the same booth

ilermakers, it would all come back to you, and you'd stop being so weird. huh? we'd be lovey-dovey again. yeah. yeah. and i bet it would all come back to you, too, wouldn't it? i bet it would. well, listen, now we don't have to wait until tonight. we can have us a couple of drinks right now! now? sure! this early? why not? ok. i ain't had no breakfast. i'll have some cornflakes and beer. no, hey, wait a minute, now, you don't want to spoil it with no cornflakes. and i got something better than beer. now, why don't you just have a seat over here, darling, and make yourself comfortable. and i'll step right over here to the bar and make us a little drinky winky. now you're beginning to sound like

oh, yeah, and before it's all over, you're gonna think you're reliving that night all over again. ooh, you gonna take advantage of me? am i gonna take advantage of you. now, you just take that bottle out, and see if that's not the stuff that, uh, is better than that stuff that we had that night. and then you'll see that i'm going first class all the way. just check it out carefully, ything that we did that night. oh, you devil! yeah, that's me. you gonna revel with the devil! ooh! all right. and by the time i get through with you, you're going to need the exorcist. ooh! now, what should we drink to?

to betty and freddy. uh, to, uh, sanford and son. to sanford and son. yeah. uh, to, uh, sears and roebuck. to sears and roebuck. to, uh, halderman and erlichman. to halderman, and erlichman-man-man-aman. to, uh-- you going too fast for me! whoo! well, i just want to make sure

t did we do? oh, there was a slow tune playing on the jukebox and you asked me to dance. oh, shucks, you mean one of those belly-rubbing kind? that's it! well, come on! ok. all right, come right on over here. oh, freddy. [humming] what's the matter? something's wrong. something is definitely wrong. yeah, what is it? you were a lot shorter that night. i was?

and your beard wasn't so scraggly, and you smelled better! you ain't fred sanford! that's fred sanford. huh? that's right. that's fred sanford. she's all yours, fred. what's the matter with you, grady? the matter with you, lady? come here! what's the matter with her, grady? grady, what's the matter with you? grady, what's the matter with her? lady, what's the matter with you? oh, fred! betty: open this door, fred sanford. i'll have the law on you! i'll sue you for breaking a promise. you'll be sorry, fred sanford! hey, that woman was either crazy or drunk. it's a little of the first and a lot of the second.

well, you see, that was part of my game plan. now, i figured that if i got her as drunk as she was the night she was out with your father, then she would remember that i was not fred sanford. well, how come she thought i was fred sanford? well, like you said, she's either crazy or drunk. [knock on door] uh-oh, there she is again. now, if that's her, i'm going to call the police. that's a good idea, grady. it is the police! well, let them in. hey, how you doing grady, lamont. hey, smitty, hoppy, what's happening? hey. how are you? that's what we want to know, man. now this lady flagged us down and said someone in here was giving her a problem. now, let me elucidate on tha the complainant here charges that a party, residing at this residence, reneged on a mutually agreed upon contract by misrepresentation and thereby precipitated a breach of faith. she said one of you guys

well, look, let me explain it to you-- that's him. that's him, that's fred sanford. oh, no, lady. he's not fred sanford. then he's fred sanford. no, not him, either. well, somebody in here is fred sanford, and i want satisfaction. oh, yeah, and that's what we're here for, madame, the police will give protection and satisfaction to every citizen, regardless of age, color, or sex. i just want satisfaction, no sex. for a second? hey, look here, man, what's going on around here, anyway? well, first the lady came in here insisting that my pop asked her to marry her, and then she was saying that grady here was fred sanford, and then she said i was fred sanford. she's as nutty as a fruitcake! she's as nutty as a fruitcake! your pop sure knows how to pick 'em, don't he? well, maybe i can straighten her out. well, you see, ma'am, under our system or jurisprudence, a man is innocent until proven guilty, whereas in the gulag-- could i say something?

um, carry on, officer smith. uh, see, lady, there's been a big mistake. now, i know both of these gentlemen, and neither one of them is fred sanford. ok, ok, ok. does fred sanford live here? yes, ma'am, fred sanford lives here. and neither one of them is fred sanford? neither one of them is fred sanford. then you're fred sanford. uh, no, lady, i'm not fred sanford, either. you sure? i'm sure. and i can attest to that, madame, this is officer smith. as fine a man as we have on the force. well, if you're not fred sanford, and neither one of them is fred sanford... that leaves you. you're fred sanford. oh, no, madame, i couldn't be fred sanford! she thinks i'm--

he's a white dude. come on, lady, we'll drive you home. i'll take your bags. well, where is fred sanford? i want satisfaction! well, you'll find satisfaction riding in our experimental squad car. it's got individual reclining bucket seats, it's got steel-belted radial tires,

your insurance company won't replace the full value of your totaled new car. the guy says you picked the wrong insurance plan. no, i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, you won't have to worry about replacing your car because you'll get the full value back including depreciation. make the switch to liberty mutual and see why we've been awarded highest in customer satisfaction by j.d. power. call for a free quote today. liberty stands with you?. when my pop gets back here, man, i'm really going to have to talk to him. what a morning. what a morning! you know, i don't ever drink at this time in the morning, but i think i need me a little taste. yeah. hey, wait a minute, grady! what are you doing? that's a gasoline can! don't tell me you're drinking gas now. after an experience like that,

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? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?