[music playing]

[knocking on door] oh! hi there, um, um... esther. yeah. is fred still in st. louis? yeah, fred's still in st. louis. good. i'll say a prayer for the state of missouri. yeah. well, what can i do for you, chester?

oh, yeah. what can i do for you? well, with fred gone, i'd like to bring my bible group over here for a meeting. w--well, why do you want to bring them over here? i have to. our usual meetin' place has been condemned. oh, gee whiz. i'm sorry to hear that. yes, we all were, especially sister hannah. she was the one who fell through the floor. fell through the floor? mmm, mmm, mmm. i sure hope she wasn't hurt too bad. no. she busted her hip. lucky for her, she got a lot of hip. but the poor thing is walkin' crooked like this. grady: mmm, mmm, mmm. so that's why this place would be just fine, since that heathenous fred isn't here. oh. well, you see, um... i'm afraid you can't have your bible meetings here.

and he said if you were to come over here askin' about having a bible meeting, that i was to say no. so i'm sayin' no. look, sucker... the lord sent this heavenly opportunity to put some holiness into this house. that's why he sent fred to st. louis. and the lord is tellin' me to get the show on the road. well, i don't know what the lord said, but fred said no bible meetings. and since i'm in charge, i'm saying no bible meetings. you know what you doin'? you doin' the devil's work and interfering with god's mission! you're just like that heathen fred. you're an unholy sinner and a heathenous, foul philistine.

ok, i'll get some sticks and stones and break your bones. and the name that'll hurt you will be esther. now, i don't like to strike a woman, but if i'm forced to defend myself, i will. and let the chips fall where they may. may cross your lips, chump. hey, wait a minute! aunt esther, grady, stop it! stop it. now, what's going on in here? this old fool won't let me have my bible meeting here. that's what happen when you replace a fool with a fool. sticks and stones can-- oh, shut up, you old fool, before i put my foot in your-- aunt esther!

i ain't waitin' on nothin'. there is no peace, says the lord, unto the wicked. and this is the wickedest house that ever was. and i ain't never coming back into this heathenous house again. oh, glory. hallelujah! oh, praise his holy name and call him jesus! hey, grady, what are you doing, man? esther's my favorite aunt, and she can have a bible meeting here if she wants to. oh, no, she can't. bible meetings are a no-no. says who? your father said so, and your father left me in charge. grady, you know, i think you're beginning to take your duties a little too seriously, man. i guess next you'll be telling me that i can't have no company. well, that depends on what kind of company we talkin' about. well, it just so happens that rollo and i

and we're gonna have a party tonight. with a broken arm? grady, when you've got it, you've got it. one arm or 2. well, that, too, is a no-no. no bible meetings and no or-gees. one arm or 2. hey, look, man. you can't tell me what to do in my own house. i gave a solemn oath to your father to protect this house, and i vowed to take care of it with my life if necessary. i'll show you what i'm gonna do. you think i'm kiddin' around here, but i'm very serious about taking care of things. w--what are you... what are you doing with a rifle? i'm gonna protect my best friend's property. that's what i'm doing with it. heh heh heh! with an empty rifle? does that look like a styptic pencil to you?

before somebody gets hurt. i just want my friend to know that the man he left behind is in complete control. yeah, well, if you sit down too hard with that bullet in your pocket, the man he left won't have a behind. and i just want you to know that i'm in charge here, which means... both: no bible meetings and no or-gees. yeah. [all talking at once] quiet! well, what's the matter? somebody sick? yeah, partner. you can't tell no chick like this to be quiet and hold it down. i mean, it's against their nature! i mean, these are 2 live wires with no insulation. but look, now i already told you there's an old dude staying here that's a friend of my old man's. and he thinks he's napoleon. now, see, he's upstairs asleep now. everything will be everything as long as we be quiet.

what--what's the matter? that old fool done locked the door, and i ain't got no key. well, that ain't no big thing. what we gonna do? there's a window by the landing that's always open, see? and i crawl through there and let us in. hey, you want me to do it, partner? you know i'm good at that. no, rollo. you stay here and look after the women. well, can you handle it with that one arm? hey, bro, i got it. carry on, dude. that dude is more weird than you. yeah, he sure is a weird one. [dog barking] grady: halt! put your hands up, or i'll shoot! d--don't shoot! don't shoot! it's me, grady. your name ain't grady. that's my name. it's me--lamont.

what do you mean prove it? can't you tell by the sound of my voice? you can disguise your voice. burglars do that, you know. what's your father's name? grady! that's not your father's name. what's your father's name? his name is fred, all right? now, i'm gonna turn on the light so you can see who it is. oh, yeah. you are lamont. grady, not only did you lock me out of my own house, you know that? they ought to call you crazy grady. now look here. why don't you go on upstairs and go back to bed and stay there. oh, i'm not sleepy. i think i'm gonna look at the little television. hey, grady, you can't be serious, man. you don't want to watch no television now. i'm gonna watch louise beavers on the late, late show. would you like to join me? every time i try to do something--

man, you're ridiculous. hey, what happened, man? what's going on in there? that old fool woke up and almost shot me. what? hey, look here, brother. why don't we go to your crib? no, man. i told you that place is too small. let's go, hon. tomorrow night? hey, rollo, let's make it a definite for tomorrow night. bro, i'm sure i can get the crib tomorrow night. so what you gonna do, poison your baby-sitter? no, man. i'm gonna go in there, and i'm gonna have it out with grady once and for all, man. he can't get away with this stuff in my house. good luck. hey, girls, wait for me! i'll take you home on the bus! grady! grady, take the chain off this door and open up right now!

yeah, well, i was just doing what i promised your father that i would do

y. and i was mad last night, but now i'm fine, man. and you know what else? no, what? well, i did what i do whenever pop and i have a little misunderstanding. oh, yeah? what's that? well, whenever we have an argument, the next day, we both go out and do something nice for each other. you do? yeah. and being as that, well, you know, you're sort of filling in for my pop, i figured i'd extend that same courtesy to you. so i went out, and i did something nice for you. [sobbing] you did something nice for me. [honking] what are you doing, grady? [sobbing] i can't help it. just the thought of you doing something nice for me, and i didn't do anything nice for you! stop, grady. don't do that. you did something nice for me. i did? sure, you're doing it right now. you set the table. is that nice? of course that's nice. that means that you cooked me supper.

that i would fix supper for you. you know, he told me that you were his one and only son. i--i know that, grady. grady, i know that. and i appreciate it, too, man. and there's nothing i like better than coming home to a nice, hot supper. so, you see, you did something for me nice after all. well, i hope you like it. i'll love it. what is it? it's codfish cakes and okra. well, it smells delicious, grady, but, um, i'm not hungry right now. i'll eat it later. oh, yeah, you can eat it later. you can eat okra when it gets cold. it's not as slimy then. yeah, that was a real nice thing you did for me, grady. now, would you like to know the nice thing i did for you? [sobbing] you did something... [honking] please don't do that, grady. you're gonna blow something out your head that you need. yeah, ok.

ok, you ready? now, i had to pull a few strings, and i had to pay a little money, but i got it for you. what is it? grady, i got you a ticket to that new skin flick down at the yellow pussycat theater! the marquee said that the movie's red hot and sizzlin'! oh, wow! there you go. what's it about? well, the name of the movie is deep threat. and it's about this group of underground invaders that tunnel they way into this peaceful nudist camp and threaten 'em. go ahead. yeah, ok. gee, wow! say...say, do they actually go in a nudist colony and do all that? everything, grady. you see everybody and everything. now, go ahead and enjoy yourself. yeah! oh, gee! yeah, you have fun at that movie. yeah, i sure will.

to stay here and serve supper for you? i mean, i promised-- oh, no, grady. look, i... [yawns] i feel tired. i'm gonna turn in early anyways, so you just go and have a nice time, hear? ok. yeah. ah... say, what did you say the name of that movie was? uh, deep threat. oh, who's in it? well, i'm not exactly sure, see, 'cause it's a japanese movie. but i think the leading lady's name is linda lovesato. and look it, you better hurry up before you miss the opening, 'cause you don't want to miss the opening. in the opening, linda... [inaudible] gah! say, thanks for the nice thing you did for me. i--i know that codfish cakes and okra is not as nice as a nudie movie, but i tried. hey, you certainly did, grady, and i appreciate it, partner. now, you just go ahead and have fun at that movie, man.

ok, grady. yeah, take care of that arm and lock the door. ok, you have fun, hear? all right. all right. ok, brother. [whistles loudly] what it is, what it is, what it is! i did it. it worked. [all cheering] grady's out, and love is in! let's get it on! hey, turn on the music! [funky music playing] hey, hey, hey! wait a minute! wait a minute! [music stops] hey, man, how long have we got, man? i mean, how long's it gonna be before that old dude show back from the skin flick? hey, rollo, that's one old dude that we ain't gonna have to worry about this evening. but he comin' back here as soon as it's over. he's coming back, but he ain't gettin' in. i changed the lock on the door, and he don't have no key. man, you are a genius! relatively speaking. [knocking on door]

who is it? it's me--grady. rollo: oh, man, i told you. who? grady! prove it. what do you mean prove it? it's me--grady! i heard you halfway down the block! i'm gonna call your father in st. louis and tell him you're havin' an or-gee! orgie! good night, grady. yeah, good night, grady! girls: good night, grady. ooh, yeah, baby. he's gone. hey, my man, you really did it. hey, man, a man's home is his castle. and now i'm ready to wrastle in my castle. i can dig it. hold it. come on, ladies. don't be so slow. come on, let's go now! just what made you change your mind about letting us hold our meeting in fred's house?

reverend ike on television tonight, and he said, "is your house free from sin?" and i said, "hell, no." so i rushed right over there to get you. good. we can fill it with enough holiness that it might even rub off on fred when he gets back. all: amen! yeah, praise his holy name. now, y'all just hang on here, and i'll open the door. and we'll have a real cracker jack bible meeting. [woman talking at once] i forgot my key. look, sucker, find a way to get in there. we ain't holdin' no bible meeting in a junkyard. what do you think we are, pagans? no, we gonna have our bible meeting in fred's living room! ok, all right. now, just hold it. there's a window around there on the landing that's not locked. climb up there and shimmy through and open the door.

and i can't bend over. so maybe you ought to go around there and do it. you want me to climb through a window? well, yeah. you-- we gotta get in there some kind of way, and you're the only one that can do it. now, come on. i'll hold the ladder while you climb through. oh, no you don't. ain't no man that im' not married to gonna be holdin' no ladder that i'll be climbin' up. ladies: amen. she's tellin' you right. , i won't peek! i know you ain't gonna peek, 'cause if i thought you was, i'd bust your eyeballs. ok. that's all right. i'll just wait right over here by the truck, and--and you go around there and just take care of things. watch him, ladies. if he sneaks around back to watch me go up that ladder, twist his head until it unscrews. we sure will. we will.

[dog barking] hey, man, who turned on them lights? what's happening? shame, shame, shame! aunt--aunt esther! i--how did you get in here? sodom and gomorrah. this house corrupted even my favorite nephew and broke his arm, jesus. lamont, i'm ashamed of you. that old fool grady was right. such wickedness i've never seen in my life. aunt esther, all we was doing was having a little fun-- a little party. that's all, a party. a little party? with these two jezebels?

yes, ma'am. you ought to be ashamed of yourself. out! out! everybody! wait a minute, aunt esther. we was just-- all of you should be in a vocational school learnin' a trade. soldiers, it's time to save the sinners! [all shouting at once] god will beat the devil! [all shouting at once] whoo! jesus! come save 'em, lord! save 'em from sin! grady wilson! grady wilson, you come down here right now!

now, you get down here right now!

oh, hi, lamont. hi. you still mad at me? never mind. oh, yeah, you are. i can tell. are you mad enough to do something nice for me again? mont: no. well, you know, i was only doing what i promised your father that i would do while he's away. yeah, you didn't promise my father that you'd go waving and pointing that rifle around at people. you know, that's dangerous, grady. somebody could've gotten hurt. oh, no. it couldn't have gone off last night because i didn't put the bullet in, see? grady, would you put that away once and for all? see, what i'm trying to say is that rifle's aren't dangerous. it's bullets that are dangerous. but you can sure scare a lot of people with an empty rifle. you just walk around here and--

sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- captioning made possible by sony pictures television