sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org-- captioning made possible by sony pictures television

y. look, i just got a card from pop, and he's still in st. louis. he says to tell you that he misses you, and everything is fine, and he wants to thank you for the nice way that you're taking care of his only son, and he-- did you hear what i said? look at this news. have you been keeping up with this women's lib stuff? no. what's going on? it says here that some lady up in sacramento burned her bra in a pubic place. that's public place, grady. oh. can you imagine that? burning your bra in a public place? yeah, well, a lot of women are doing that nowadays. yeah. next, they'll be burning their drawers. i don't know what's getting into these women today. you know, women used to be ladies. well, as far as i'm concerned, grady, they still are.

ing them little cigars, and they don't smooth their dresses out behind when they sit down anymore. and they were those see-more clothes. what kind of clothes? see-more. you know, you see more of them than you do clothes. [chuckling] my mother wasn't like that. my mother was a lady. get me some milk for my cereal, please. well, i just think you're taking the side of them women libbers, that's all. is that what you're doing? grady, i'm not taking nobody's se, man. i'm just trying to let you know where they're coming from, that's all. well, i don't know nothing about where they're coming from, but i know where they ought to go. they ought to be at home in a woman's domain. yeah. barefoot, pregnant, and in the kitchen i suppose. no. barefoot, naked, and in the boudoir. you know-- you know what?

i thought you were a clean old man. i'll be a clean old man when i'm a dead old man. [knocking] now will you get the door, please? i was eating my food. while i finish reading this terrible news. [muffled speech] [knocking] [mumbling] uncle woodrow. can i come in, lamont? you already did. oh. thanks, lamont. [door shuts] grady: who is it, lamont? it's uncle woodrow. who? uncle woodrow. that's what i thought you said. say, grady, what are you doing? you father left me in charge, and he said if your uncle woodrow came around,

you don't? no, no. that's not what's on my mind. i got troubles. trouble? yeah. well, what--well, come over here and sit down, take your hat off, and tell me about it, uncle woody. and--and hey, man, what you doing with a suitcase? you going somewhere? yeah, i'm going somewhere. you aunt esther kicked me out of the house. what did she do, catch you coming out of one of them massage parlors again? grady. now go ahead, uncle woody. tell me what happened, man. see, i was out all night drinking and celebrating, and when i got home this morning, esther had set out all my clothes out in this suitcase and would let me in. well, it looks like you're in the doghouse this time, uncle woody. what you plan on doing? i don't know yet. guess i'll just have to stay here a while. oh, no. nope, nope, nope. what do you mean nope, nope, nope? one of the things your father said was no boarders, and i'm very sorry, woody.

guess it was fate that brought me to your door. and i guess it's grady that's gonna take you out the door. stop it. now--now look, uncle woody, you just sit here and make yourself comfortable, and we're gonna go in there and make some coffee. ok, lamont. get over in the kitchen. yeah. just don't get too comfortable. don't be telling my relative. that's my relative. you know what your father said. every time i say something, you want--you have to come in here. now what's the matter with you, grady? woody's my favorite uncle. we just can't throw him out in the street. your father said that he didn't want house, and i happen to know that woody is the wino king of watts. all right. so let us assume that he's gonna stay here. where's he gonna sleep? he can sleep in my room. and you sleep with me? oh, no. i heard about them toenails. locked me out of my own house after 27 years. can you imagine that? say, look here, uncle woody. say, look here, man. we done talked about it,

i'm gonna go upstairs and fix up my room, and you can sleep there, all right? oh, thank you, lamont. thank you. and thank you, too, grady. bless you both. now i can breathe easy. well, just don't breathe my way. uh, say, grady? i was thinking, uh, would it be possible to, uh, get a little shot of something? just a little toddy for my body, you know? that body is so shoddy, it don't need no toddy. now, what if you had been married to esther for 27 years? and then, all of a sudden, you know it's all over and no more esther now? what would you do, huh? i'd celebrate and get drunk. all right, come on. you can have a little taste. i'll do it. thank you. [snarls]

grady, uh, would you believe i never used to drink before i married esther? yeah. woody, i hate to tell you this, but you had to be drunk to marry esther. no. i-i-i'm serious, grady. now listen, i love that woman. it was love at first sight. now i know you was drunk. drunk on the wine of love. i--i love that woman, grady! i love her, and i miss her, and i'm ready to-- woody, woody, please don't do that. you're making a damn fool out of yourself. i can't help it. sure you can. it's cream puffs like you that are letting these women get away with all that stuff. now if you had any backbone, you'd march right back over to your house and put esther in her proper place. uh, and where is that? on the receiving end of your foot. now move over and let me fix you-- give you another drink here,

[snarls] see that? now you've--you've got to remember one thing. you got to be the only one in the house to wear the pants. now are you a man or a cream puff? uh, pour me another little shot, and i'll tell you. a man. [coughing] there. well, that's it. that's the way to go. that's what i want you to do. now sit down. now see, woody, you got to get a firm grip on esther. now, i've been reading in the paper about how these women are trying to take over. now we got to stop them. we got to maintain control. now what if it don't work on esther? you know, there's different strokes for different folks. do you want me to help you or not? now aren't you tired of being a cream puff?

g a cream puff. louder. i am tired of being a cream puff! yeah! that's it. that's the way. here, have another drink. that's the attitude i want you to keep up. now i want you to have that attitude all the time. i'm not gonna be a cream puff anymore. don't be no cream puff. a cream puff, am i? yeah. [both yelling at once] [yelling] what? y-your room is ready, uncle woodrow. and i'm gonna sleep in it, too. now get me my suitcase. what? would you get me my suitcase? you heard your uncle. would you get him his suitcase? the door, please. the what? the door! would you get the door, please? thank you, grady, for everything, and here i go.

[yelling] charge!

uh... uh, hi, uh--uh-- esther, fool. i'm so mad at you, i could jump down your throat and stomp your liver. well, now-- now i'm not in the habit of fighting women, but in your case, i'll make an exception. that's it. throw up your hands, you old buzzard. they're up. [both yelling at once] wait a minute! wait a minute! wait a minute! now wait a minute. now--now come over here and sit down.

i live by the book. i know, aunt esther. people take advantage of it. i know that. it's a shame. now would you just relax? now tell me what happened. woodrow locked me out is what happened. no. and it was all his idea. you old goat. baa. grady. now you just stop that. now go ahead, aunt esther. tell me what happened. when i got back from visiting the sick and the shut-in, nd set on the porch. woodrow had locked and bolted the door and wouldn't let me in. little uncle woodrow did that? but he's such a pussycat. a pussycat who got turned into a snaggle-tooth tiger. all i did was speak to him man-to-man. all you did was speak to him creep-to-creep, you creep.

a sensible solution to this. there certainly is, and i'm staying right here until this mess is cleared up. and i think that that is fair. oh, no. nope, nope, nope. what do you mean nope, nope, nope? i mean she can't stay here because there isn't any room. that's what they told the baby jesus, but they found him a place. ok. i'll build you a little manger out in the backyard. why, you dirty-- aunt esther! now never mind. now come here, aunt esther. now look. now you can go upstairs, and you can stay in my room. the linen has already been changed. now wait a minute, lamont. i don't think your father would approve of this. go on up there and make yourself comfortable, hear? thank you, baby. now just listen. don't you go in my room by mistake

i might have a stroke and die. grady wilson, i wouldn't go in your room to save my mama's life. and another thing, when you talk to that worm woodrow, you tell him his behind is grass, and i am the lawn mower. he just don't know me. i'll bust his skull. i'll run into him like a hobo run into a freight train. see what you did? just see what you did! look what you've done now? what i've done? i haven't done nothing. thanks to you, now we got sister ike staying with us. you mean thanks to you. and it's all your fault, grady. you should've minded your own business. yeah, but woodrow made it my business when he came over here this morning.

y affairs, especially my family's. just stay out of it. i got it. i got an idea. oh, no. i've got me a little plan. yes, indeed. i've got me a little plan. ha! ha ha ha ha! now what are you doing? hello, uh, woody? yeah. this is grady. well, yeah, i told you it would work. and she's over here right now just bawling like a baby. you ought to see her. yeah. [feminine voice] woodrow. woodrow. i want my woodrow! [normal voice] now, woody, would i lie to you? so i'm telling you, woody. she's yours if you want her.

listen, just wash your hands and get on over here. [hangs up phone] now what did you do that for? if woodrow comes over here expecting aunt esther to be meek, she's liable to knock him down. one down and one to go. [knocking] you're gonna be sorry you did this, grady wilson. mark my words. you're gonna be sorry you did this. aunt minnie, aunt flossie. lamont, baby. how are you? i'm doing fine, but what's the matter? what y'all doing here? for our poor, sweet sister. we just left her house, and woody the worm said he put her out, and we figured she'd be over here. so we came over here as fast as we could. all right. just--just-- just make yourself at home here. just stay here. aunt esther! esther: what is it, baby? aunt minnie and aunt flossie's here to see you. [toilet flushes]

[sobbing] don't be upset. that little, old, weaselly man. don't worry about that. don't worry. we'll take care of woodrow. that's right. he ain't gonna get away with it. it wasn't all woodrow's fault. grady put him up to this. grady did? that's right. he put all this wickedness in his head by getting him drunk. there ain't enough liquor in this house to get woodrow drunk. it's all your fault. that's right. lamont: wait a minute. don't-- wait a minute. now just wait a minute! now wait a minute, please, ladies. now just sit down. yeah, sit down! ladies: we ain't sitting down! and you stay out of this, grady wilson. this whole thing is your fault. my fault? they're the ones that are resorting to violence. and as the late j. edgar hoover said, "violence must be met by violence." [all yelling at once] wait a minute! [knocking] now nobody move!

. [knocking] the craziest house i've ever seen. i should go to st. louis. uncle woodrow. aunt minnie and aunt flossie: woodrow. esther: woodrow. did i hear somebody calling woodrow? yeah. that was your maker calling you to his bosom. and your tombstone is ready. wait a minute! wait a minute! wait a minute, aunt esther. now there'll be no killing in this house. that's right. take him outside. don't kill him in here. i don't want no blood on these rugs. say, grady, i thought you said she would be eating out of the palm of my hands. here i washed my hands for nothing. is that what you told him, sucka? i--i was only trying to help him out. come on, woodrow. this is where the cream puff meets the battle-axe. who you calling a battle-axe, chump?

well, let me see. there's 1...2... 3. take your choice. woodrow, are you gonna stand here and let this hairy ape call me a battle-axe? now wait just a minute, hairy ape. this battle-axe happens to be my wife. talk to him, woodrow. now you can't talk to my wife like that. now, um, i'm sorry about all this, esther, baby. i'm sorry, too, woodrow lamby-pie. grady was the old serpent that tried to cast me out of my garden of eden. yeah. grady was the old serpent that tried to cast you out of your garden of eden. yeah. it's all your fault, you old serpent. now--now that's the thanks i get for trying to help you out. woodrow, you ain't nothing but a cream puff and ought to have the cream squeezed out of your puff. don't you touch a hair on his body.

oh, i see. so now, it's 2 against one, huh? 3. 4. make that 5. well, now i'd be the last man to call for help. and since i'm the last man, help! come on, baby. let's get out of this den of inequity. woodrow: yeah. let's get out of this den of inequity. [all talking at once] wok! w-w-w-wok! wok! get on outta here! huh. there they go. battle-axe, cream puff, and the 2 brides of frankenstein. well, i hope you're happy now, grady. i hope you're satisfied. you almost busted up our aunt esther and uncle woody. you embarrassed my family. you caused all the trouble in the first place. wait a minute. wait a minute now. let's just hold it.

oh, big deal. now who was that a victory for, the men or women's lib? well, now i'd say it was a stand-off. they ought to both burn their drawers in a pubic place. that's public place! public place! ? ? my favorite part about being a dad is just to see their faces in the morning when i wake them up. the first thing you think about is your wife and your kids and your family. you think about what life would be like for them, without you. so i had surgery locally, and it came back after my follow up that i needed a second surgery. and that's when i said i need a second opinion. from the moment i walked through the doors, they greet you, they're smiling and i love the fact that they included me in the whole process and asked me what i wanted to do.

rod came in with ah, pretty advanced cancer and i remember thinking, he's just like me, he's like my twin. we're almost the same age, the same height- he's much more athletic- but almost the same life circumstances as far as having kids and raising a family, he just happens to have cancer. for rod, we combined chemotherapy, radiation and surgery in order to shrink the tumor, so that the surgeon could take it out. i feel like this was the right way for me, and the right treatment for me, and the right process for me to go through. the diagnosis of cancer is one of those things that you want an answer now. we can do now here, and that is something that they appreciate because we match the sense of urgency that they have. if you or a loved one have been diagnosed with cancer, start your treatment with a team of experts who only treat cancer, every stage, every day. at cancer treatment centers of america,

call or visit cancercenter.com for more information. it's a new normal for me right now, makes you appreciate the little things in life. every moment counts. the evolution of cancer care is here. cancer treatment centers of america. appointments available now. well, i'll see you later, grady. i'm going out for the evening. i got a little date lined up, you know. did you hear what i said?

object to that airline advertisement? you know, the one that says, "i'm margie. fly me"? are you back on that again? well, i don't see what's wrong with flying margie. it ain't up to the women libbers, it's up to margie. and if she says, "fly me," then we should all fly her. grady, look, it's like i told you. women don't want to be known as sex symbols. and it says here that the man that came up with the idea is probably a male chinese pig. that's male chauvinist pig. oh. well, anyway, they are sex symbols and cooking symbols and kitchen symbols and sewing symbols, and they ought to get used to it.

hey, wait a minute. where you going? i fixed supper for you. hey, i'm sorry, man. i told you i got a date. well, what kind of business is that when i've been in this kitchen all day cooking and slaving over a hot stove? good night, grady. you can't do that to me. don't you see the sweat rolling down my face? you male chinese pig! [sanford and son theme song playing] announcer: sanford and son is recorded on tape before a live studio audience.

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