i don't believe it! our baby is a full-grown man! things like this just don't happen in the midwest! i know -- i'll call dad. he'll know what to do. oh, no, he won't! that child is astounding -- absolutely phenomenal! this is the first time a baby has ever given me a perfect footprint for the birth certificate! look at that beauty! not a smudge on it! great, exidor. that's doctor exidor!

for your pediatrician. this has got to be the most bizarre thing that's ever happened in my entire life! don't you think that baby is unusually large? rather unique. he seems so alien. i wonder if there's anything earthling about him. why do new parents always ask that question? baby is half orkan. that means he's aging backwards and he has three hearts. but he does have some human characteristics. for instance, he seems to enjoy a good story. what?!

're tiparillo lights. oh, min, i couldn't have done it without you. i couldn't have even lifted him without you. this has just all happened so fast. i really think we need to talk about this... alone! i suppose i'm not invited to dinner, either! i've got to finish my paper for the medical journal anyway. i'm gonna be the best dance critic they ever had! he's the most beautiful child you've ever seen! wait till you see the little overalls i got him. he looks just like lester maddox on steroids. yeah, he's cute, mork... in a mature sort of way. but our baby isn't exactly what i was expecting. there's nothing to be afraid of. let's go. come on! he's just a little nooner.

mind...mind... mind, he can walk! mork, he can destroy. isn't it amazing? isn't he magnificent? who ever stood after being only an hour old? black beauty. come to mama! come on! there we go! one for baby news. one photo. [ giggles ] playboy -- one for playboy. ho-ho! that's it! after dark -- one for after dark! oh, little pooter! little pooter! neener neener neener eener neener! isn't he the most beautiful? oh, little pooter, come on, now. pucker up. come over here. there we go. whoa! min, isn't he beautiful?

yeah. now, make nice. make nice. there. hi, there. i'm your...father. oh, that's nice! i've thought of a name for him, min -- ohh -- owww! no, no! that's good. that's good. here's a name -- here's the name. you combine "mork," "mindy," and "earth" -- equals "mearth"! mearth mcconnell. well, it is unusual. but then, so is he. [ whimpering ] there we go. you have to bite off the tip first. no, he could choke on that! no, mearth! mearth, mearth, look over there! mearth, look! [ speaking gibberish ]

he hasn't eaten since he arrived. what do you think he eats? i don't know, mind. he's got all of his teeth. maybe a little beef jerky. pooter's here, deeter! oh, no, i think he'd rather eat my comforter. no! min, min, min! min, min... i think he wants the flowers in the comforter, not the comforter itself. are you sure? i know my own son. [ both speaking gibberish ] here we go. look. ? hare krishna, hare lama, hare krishna ? no! ah! oh! mmm! let's hope there are no bees on there. mmm! mmm! mmmmm! [ imitating bee ] aah aah! aah aah!

i told mork he wouldn't fit in the sink! [ knock on door ] who is it? it's me, honey. oh, hi! look at you! i'm on my way to play a little dixieland. oh, yeah? how's the new bride doing? oh, great. that's an interesting piece of sculpture. is it a wedding gift? actually, it's a piece of a great big eggshell. what was in it, a buick? close. i guess there's no putting this off any longer. i got something to tell you. and i think you better take this sitting down. well, okay, honey. fire away. okay, let's see -- how should i put this?

mork got pregnant, laid an egg, and now we're parents. boy, i'm glad that's over with. u-u-uh -- a-are you trying to tell me that i'm the grandfather of a chicken? no, no, no, no, no, no. no, it's a baby. it's a 6-foot, 225-pound, middle-aged baby... named mearth. are you serious? about this! are you serious? i know it's a shock. it was for me, too. i mean, where am i gonna find size-46 pampers? where is he? oh! mork took him to the park for lunch. they're grazing in a flower bed. good. come on. to the park? no, to the airport.

dad, i'm not gonna run away! he's my son. i know it's kind of weird now, but i'm sure, in enough time, i'll grow to love every hair on his chest. won't i? well, honey, if that's what you want to do... oh, sure you will, honey. you never were afraid of new experiences. i mean, you married an alien, and you went to another planet. and you were the first girl in boulder to play little league baseball. thanks. i hope you're right. you have to realize that most squirrels don't normally fly like that. my god, it is true! say hi to grandpops. there we go! say, "hi, grandpa!" there we go. neer neh neer!

[ mearth crying ] there he goes again -- every hour on the hour, just like clockwork. yep. i'll give him his bottle. but this time you burp him. i think i threw my shoulder out. oh, no! look, mork -- he tossed out his bottle again! here's your bottle. here we go. [ babbling ] powdered! powdered? it's not powdered, it -- he spoke! he spoke! oh, min, he's a genius!

where would he learn such big words? william f. buckley was hosting "the muppets" this evening. mearth, watch daddy! mearth, what's daddy bouncing on? tush. i was shooting for "bed," but he's right! of course he is, mindy. he's half a superior being. [ mumbling ] and who are you? who are you? [ gasps ] and who am i? mommy. [ gasps ] min, i feel just like anne bancroft in "the miracle worker." and now the big question -- no pressure, though -- who's this? shoe. shoe?! isn't that wonderful, min? his first non sequitur! mork, he called me "shoe."

oh, come on, now, my little mearth -- my little whiz kid -- say "daddy." daddy. tired. buenas noches. min, he's bilingual! great, he's bilingual. you're "mommy," and i'm "shoe." oh, don't worry about it. he still loves you. besides, he'll be up again in another hour. good night. 'night, mearth. you know, mork, now that he's talking, we're gonna have to be careful no one finds out he's a -- an a-l-i-e-n. if anyone should find out, then -- whoa! [ thud ] what are you doing on the floor? looks like i got squeezed out. i just wanted to cuddle.

e shining" today, remember? [ as danny in "the shining" ] i don't wanna go now! [ normal voice ] i guess there's not room for the three of us, so i'll go sleep on the couch. oh, no, no, no. you do the honors. i'll be more comfortable on the couch. 'night, mork. 'night, min. 'night, mearth.

[ knock on door ] come in! mork, what happened? have you been robbed? no, mearth and i are just playing "morkie dearest." [ as faye dunaway ] a $300 dress on a wire hanger? here, let me untie you. no, that's the only way i can sit through phil donahue. i see. you know, little mearth --

grandfather, he is my grandson, so it's about time i started spoiling him. oh, football -- he's gonna love that. no, it's baseball. oh, i knew that. that's what you do before you start selling coffee machines. so, where's the bride? she's the perfect american father. she comes home late, never plays with the kids, and brings in the paycheck. i don't think you understand what a good father is. good fathers want to be there as much as they can be. it's wonderful to watch your children grow up, and it's -- it's wrong that she's missing it. i guess you're right. if it wasn't for that mr. sternhagen forcing her nose down to the grindstone, she'd be here right now. what? he asked her to work the night shift. no, he didn't. didn't mindy tell you she volunteered for the night shift? oh. i've got to sit down.

how convenient. mindy asked to work the night shift? do you know what that means? i'm afraid i do. would you tell me? all right, mork, i'll try. i think mindy is confused and apprehensive about being a parent to mearth. what she needs is time to be close to the child, and then love will take care of the rest. oh. all right, pops. no house of mine is going to become a broken home. [ straining ] ha ha ha! well, houdini, watch out! mearth, come on, now! we're gonna go find mindy! give me a head start. it's gonna take me a while.

oh, you're right. mearth, go put on your jacket. isn't this an exciting feature? we'll be back after this commercial for the ktns science-fiction festival and the dramatic conclusion of "it came from diablo canyon." ? oo-oo-ooh ooh ? min! i got here as fast as i could. what are you doing here? and why is mearth up so late? i have to make a report to o-r-s-o-n. about what? sagittarian women. what? wait a minute! i can't talk now! take care of him. i'll be right back. hi, mearth.

where did mommy take you for lunch today? to a japanese restaurant, and i had tempura, and sashimi, and bonsai tree. bonsai tree? that sounds nutritious. so, what do you think of where daddy works? pathetic. i have better stuff than this in my room. no, no, no! don't touch that! [ cries ] oh, no! oh, mearth! daddy didn't mean to scare you. it's just that daddy's rocket ship is not a toy. when's mommy coming back? soon...i hope. you have on your pitcher's mitt upside down. have i?

w to play baseball? [ babbles ] no? here, we'll put it on right. give me your hand. no -- mearth, look over there! now, give me your hand. help me. do you want me to teach you how to play catch? okay, come on over here, and daddy will teach you how to play catch. all right? all right. i'm gonna throw the ball, and you catch it, okay? keep your eye on the ball. one...two...three! ooh! and they call this the national pastime? this time, daddy knows you're gonna catch the ball. put the mitt like this, okay? here we go. one...two...three! oh! oh! he caught the ball! [ babbling ]

[ babbling ] daddy, daddy. what did you say? daddy. [ gasps ] that's great... son! you did real good. you want to try it again? no. you don't? room for one more? mork... i'll bet there wasn't an emergency at all. yes, there was -- you didn't feel part of the family. i guess i have been running away. but you know what? i'm gonna quit this night all my time with you t. this is a wonderful moment! we're so much happier than the jeffersons! you know what would make me really happy? if mearth would call me "mommy." mearth? [ giggles ] "mommy," mearth. mommy. mommy! mm-hmm. daddy!

mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, your grandioseness! hello, mork. you seem to be in an unusually good mood. hitting the ginger ale again? oh, no, sir. i'm high on life. just hold on to your fish sticks -- i had a baby boy! a baby?! what a completely outdated concept. i know you're gonna love him, because, judging by his size, he could be yours.

ee-eee! here he is at two hours old. he seems very alert for a child his age. oh, yes, sir. ee-eee! here is his first piggyback ride. and here's a family portrait. ee-eee! this one was snapped just before we were airborne. well, mork, i must admit, he is rather exceptional. oh, sir, i'm glad you think so, because mindy and i want you to be the godfather. me?! absolutely not! i am not getting involved er. oh, i see. he does look a little like me, doesn't he? well, sir, especially around the equator. oh, a check! oh, thank you, godfather! mmm! mmm! mmm! lululululu! oh, sir, this will assure him of a college education... or at least a hamburger and some onion rings. until next week, sir, nanu. $1.30?

[ humming "superman" theme ] it's been about two and a half hours since we've seen "superman." i think it's about time you guys came in for a landing. just 'cause you're a girl, we won't make fun of you. you can fly just like we can. yeah, mind. lots of women can fly. there was tinkerbell. there was grace slick. there was amelia earhart. she still may be up there, but her luggage always arrived. even the wright brothers came down for milk and cookies, mearth. so, you liked your first movie, huh, mearth? i really did enjoy the movie.

that's correct. and mommy has one job. correct. and daddy watches "general hospital." no comment. gee, you know something? i hope, when i grow up, i'll be just like superman. i thought you wanted to be just like me. why? take it out real slow, son. real slow. your dad's wonderful. that's all right. i'll take it over. son, now, i have lots of wonderful qualities. i'm prompt. i'm -- jump in anytime, mind. your father is loving and special and unique. yeah, but he can't fly. just because i can't fly doesn't mean i don't have a lot in common with superman. i mean, he's an alien from the planet krypton and... does the planet ork mean anything to you?

ay past your bedtime. why don't you take your milk and cookies and go upstairs and put on your dr. dentons. okay. back up to that fortress of solitude. boy, i tell you -- i'm gonna plug in that electric blanket tonight and watch kitty go, "rrrrrr!" mork, i thought you agreed that we wouldn't tell mearth you were an alien i know. but he's been talking up that guy in the tights again. oh, mind, listen, even superman can't do this. watch. [ high-pitched ] eeeeee! mork! oh, mind, i'll bet he can't do the karioka. the what? [ singing indistinguishably ] mork, you don't have to prove anything to him. you have your son's respect. all kids go through a form of hero worship. believe me, it'll pass. i guess you're right.

oh, just brushin' my hair and makin' some notes. what are the notes for? governor lamm is taking a skiing vacation up in aspen and dewey fishbeck's going up there to interview him, so they asked me to write some questions. how come he's not writing his own? dewey's the anchorman -- all he knows how to do is joke about the weatherman's sports coat. well, time for me to hit the old sack. okay. i'm gonna leave the light on for a few more minutes, okay? h me, mind. i've slept through an eclipse. yeah, yeah. aaah! i can't sleep! insomnia! oh, this is a record. oh, the tossing, the turning! oh, you know what's wrong, mind? i don't have my little guy's respect up there. ? r-e-s-p-e-c-t -- that's what it means to me ? he's just infatuated with a movie, just like you were with the midget wrestlers. terry the teeny terror didn't have a spit curl and red boots.

no, i don't, mind, and why should i? i mean, you bring home the bacon. all i do is collect the grease. mork, you have the biggest responsibility of all -- raising a child. gloria steinem didn't buy that one, and neither do i. i mean, i want my son to look up to me, even though he does have the height advantage. i've got to go out and get myself a legitimate job! you already have a job, and that's being an observer for ork. that's like being an ambassador to the entire planet. yeah, but i can't tell anybody, mind, especially my own son, mearth. i mean, i want to have a job i can talk about -- i mean, come home and complain about the boss. well, mork, listen, if your mind's made up, that's fine with me. i just want you to realize it's not easy to get a good job. mind, i am a superior being. i mean, i can get any job i want. if by some fluke of fate i can't,

hi! oh, hi! little bootle-bugger! what a day it is outside! i'm talking about blue, blue, blue sky -- paul newman blue -- you know, like "bing!" it stretches all the way to the flatirons out there. if john denver isn't writing a song right now, he's missing a million-seller. yeah. good day job-hunting? the possibilities are infinite. i've narrowed it down to two things -- day for the rest of my life or the job at remteck of nocturnal surveillance official. nocturnal sur-- could that be anything like night watchman? that's the generic term, yes, mind. i know the profit sharing, pension plan, and perks aren't what they should be, but i do get along very well with the doberman. well, at least you have options. it's so good to know that i can expand my knowledge into so many different fields and have the ultimate security and confidence to carry on like that.

well, i-i have to go away for the weekend to aspen. oh, that's fine. i'm about to lose my son's respect for life, and you're off barrel-jumping with peggy and rhonda fleming! it's a business trip. [ sarcastically ] that makes me feel a heck of a lot better. i thought it was personal. mork, come on. i love you, and i'm not deserting you. and here comes mearth. we'll talk about it later. mork: oh, son, hello. [ imitating john wayne ] wait a minute, pilgrims. just stay away from that water hole. it's contaminated, and don't fill your canteens until i tell ya. mork, i think his voice is changing. mearth, do you have a frog in your throat? [ normal voice ] i have john wayne in my throat

i was upstairs watching tv, and i saw a western. have you ever strung up 12 outlaws single-handedly? well, i once stopped a lady in the express line who had too many items. boy, i bet everybody at the supermarket sure thanked your daddy. i was wondering -- is somebody going bye-bye? i am. dewey fishbeck had an allergic reaction to his toupee, so i have to go to aspen to interview the governor. interview the governor? oh, my gosh. that is important. daddy's doing something very important. daddy's making macaroni tonight with cheese! that's not nearly as important as what you're doing. it's american cheese! ooh! american cheese! boy, i wish i could stay here with you and your dad and have macaroni. mom...go on and see the governor.

i'd just as soon have yours. mearth, could you help mommy by taking her skis down to the car? it would be an honor. now, mork, i don't want you to overreact. don't be silly. don't worry. you know i'm the eternal optimist. life's just a seesaw. i could be down one moment, and whoop! -- back up again. [ rings ] yello! speaking. remteck corporation? i scored very high on the i.q. test? i had to play dumb. the personnel director liked me?!

yes. mm-hmm. yes. thank you. you did it! you did it! what makes you say that, mind? you just said the personnel director liked you, and you scored high on the i.q. test. when they put my personality profile through the computer, they found out if they left me alone with the doberman, he'd bite my head off and bark down my neck. by the time you come back from your trip, our son will have finally disowned me, so you take care and have a nice time. [ smooches ]

would you say no to a lot more money? [excited scream] you just won a million dollars! no thanks. nice balloons, though! or no to more vacation days? ing you an extra week's vacation! oh, ah... nooo. what? no way. who says no to more? time warner cable's all about giving you more. like the most free hd channels and virtually unlimited movies and shows on demand, so you can binge all day. call now. and don't forget the free tv app. get ultra-fast internet with secure home wifi to connect all your devices. saving on mobile data fees, helps big time.

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mindy: mork, could you give me a hand?! oh, hi, little pooter. i missed you. i missed you, too. ohh! don't touch me there! i've got a bruise. ohh! don't touch me there either! another bruise? no, the same one. it goes all the way around.

makes jean-claude killy look like a snow bunny. it sounds like you were skiing over your head. i was skiing on my head. the governor suggested that we start out on something called tammy's run. i figured, "how difficult could anything be named tammy?" that's before i found out it was named after the late tammy ericson. you ski right past her headstone. you can't miss it... and i didn't. while you were off gallivanting with the governor, i felt about as useless as a lawn mower on astroturf. it was a very crisp, clear day, and it began very innocently with a breakfast of fresh fruit and hog jowls. get to the point. well, it all started off with a simple lesson in geography. and then, the wheels of catastrophe started to turn. now show me a country where it's legal to marry your livestock. let's see...right here. that's right -- india. [ indian accent ] if we can't eat them, at least we'll make them part of the family.

i really don't. i want to play "hide and seek." we can combine the two -- "geography" and "hide and seek." i'll be russia, and you play a small third-world country. i'll have to find you and dominate you through military and economic aid. here we go. ready? okay. you promise to keep your eyes closed, daddy. [ chanting in russian ] okay. [ gasps ] daddy... daddy... what's this?! well, that's my spa-- oh ho ho. what do you think it is, son? it's the most attractive costume i've ever seen. look at this -- how beautiful -- and this -- this whatever it is -- this diamond pointing down toward the man's shoes. and look at this on the back --

it's incredible. are you trying to tell me this doesn't belong to a superhero? let's not jump to any conclusions. you can level with me. i mean, i'm not lois lane or anything like that. i'm your son, mearth. all right, son. well...i'll level with you. the truth is, this is mine, and i'm not now and never have been a superhero. oh, jeez! not another major depression! i've had four today! well, son, wait a minute -- it doesn't mean that i can't be a superhero. i mean, it's the perfect job for me. i can be my own boss. the hours are perfect. how does this sound to you, son? mork mcconnell, crime fighter. does that make you proud? it sure does. then you've got it. wait a minute. could i go out there and battle evil with you? all right, but if you see any criminals

you just find someplace safe and watch your daddy swing into action. dad, i'm so proud to be able to serve with you. don't you worry about a thing. i'm going to go back there and change into my superhero costume. it's a little cold outside. do you think it would tarnish my image if i wore mommy's muff? i really wouldn't wear the muff, dad. you're still my hero, but don't wear the muff, okay? [ jazz music plays ] see that, son? you're never too old for nap time. come on in here. we'll get a quick, cold drink and get on our way. i don't know, dad.

gee, we haven't seen one decent crime. you know, superman flies. it's a bummer having to ride the bus. superman can't make exact change like we can. who are you? just two ordinary people trying to take a fashion risk. we'd like two milks, please. leche, por favor. uh, incidentally... could i have a glass with fred flintstone on it? you know, i think we had some milk around here once. i'll check and see if it's still liquid. this is the kind of place where you might find a man who will violate the law and the american way. god bless you. you sound just like steve garvey. now, what's with you? who are you anyway? i'm mork mcconnell, crime fighter and part-time superhero. oh, really? then who are you -- wonder woman?

just give me a straight answer -- just a straight, simple answer before somebody here hands you your kneecaps on a platter. come on, dave. it ain't worth it. you guys don't belong here. you could get hurt. take a hike. there's a bar down the street that caters to superheroes. i can't go there. i'm not union. son, come on, now. i think there's a lot of tension in here. let's check out the jukebox dave, how ya doin'? charlie, how are ya? how about a beer? there have been people asking questions about you. don't worry about me. nobody finds me unless i want them to find me. wrong again, charlie! ha ha ha ha. he's got a gun! do something! y-y-you're right, son.

before i hand you my kneecaps on a platter?! thank you, partner. no sweat. will someone now call a policeman? i'm a policeman. there's gonna be a black mark on your record, dad, if you go through with this. looks like i'm gonna have to split town again, but i'm a little short on cash. ah, dave! you empty the till, and, everybody else, you empty your pockets. i don't have any pockets. o collect all the cash. my pleasure. lovely 7 and 3/4. dad, i plead with you. don't do this. that cap is filthy. you don't know where it's been. besides, the money you're taking from these guys -- son, please! i'm not superman, and even if i was, i wouldn't want to see you hurt or any of these people hurt either. please, please. i'm not a coward. hey! who said you could move?! [ sobs ]

i told you, empty the pocket! [ sobbing ] all i have is a frog in my right pocket. please. he's telling you the truth, charlie. i'm a nonviolent person. here -- take your money and go and leave us all alone. i happen to be a violent person, so shut up! hey! stop that! i'm warning you! i want the pockets turned inside out! nobody hurts my family! [ thunder crashes ] who's doing this?! what the hell's going on here?! daddy, what happened?! i don't know, son. i just hope it never happens again.

they said chicago was the windy city. then the newspaper reported that a freak tornado touched down in a small bar. it was really scary, mind. i didn't know i had that kind of rage inside of me. i'm really afraid of what will happen the next time i open a pistachio, and there's no nut inside. well, mork, you were protecting mearth. i only wanted his respect, and i put him in a very dangerous situation. you did take it too but it's normal to want respect from mearth. daddy, i have so much respect for you. oh, mearth. i missed you. i was gone for two days. oh, i know. i know. gosh, you know while you were gone how brave daddy was? i heard.

uring the tornado. i guess i owe it all to ann miller's hair spray. daddy, you're so great. see, mork? you've been searching for something you had all along. do you really mean it, son? of course i do. you're everything to me. you play with me, you read to me, we watch tv together. oh, mearth... i mean, what about superman? he's a fake. he's fictitious. mearth, why don't you tell daddy who your new hero is? he doesn't have to. i will. the governor. that's your sense of humor.

mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in, orson. mork calling orson. come in -- [ vacuum cleaner runs ] woman: [ spanish accent ] hola. [ loudly ] excuse me, hola. i must have the wrong mind. i'm looking for orson. orson no en casa. this is his housekeeper, kisbilita. i can take a message. gracias. will you tell him that mork called and that this week i learned that fathers put too much pressure on themselves to be the apple of their child's eye, when they really should be concentrating on being loved for what they are, not what they think that they should be. did you get that? you bet. i'll tell orson monty called. nanu. i worked five hours on a report, and somebody named monty gets all the credit.

[ singing in spanish ] and we're gonna take one little bite. -- there you go! isn't that good? crunch. crunch, crunch, yeah! don't forget, honey. call me from the doctor's office the minute he finishes. oh, but, darling, she's only having a checkup, and we know she's in perfect health. be sure and ask him about the diaper rash. tabitha hasn't. and over-drooling. as i see it, she's been over-drooling. i'm surprised at you. and be sure to tell him that phil hooverback's little girl is potty-trained at 11 months. that's pretty precocious training. darling, you're so nervous, you're going to need a checkup more than tabitha. look at her. isn't she fine? isn't she beautiful? she is beautiful,