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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 10, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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>> well you might as well shoot for that too. what do you do with your money now? when you get a little extra money in your allowance. what do you like to go out and spend it on? >> well, i usually save most of it. but i either go out and buy coins, i have a coin collection. >> do you? >> trains, or anything really. you know, candy. buy a necklace for my girlfriend. >> which girlfriend? >> no, that's good. you're a nice young man. it's nice to have you here. >> thank you. >> are you going to stay? do you have to leave, or are you staying? >> yes, i have to leave. >> you are going to miss miss tomasino. >> i can't wait until i get older so i can stay here longer. [ laughter ] >> okay, thank you ricky. [ applause ] [ music ] you know what he just said
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he said, "i'm going to miss that playboy girl." [ laughter ] "wish i was older." we will be back with sean morey and jeana tomasino in a few moments.
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[ music ] right now, here's a young man who, has been with us before. as a matter of fact sean morey i think made one of his first appearances on the tonight show some months back. and i did not know until i was looking at the notes here that he's working with you, doc? >> yes. >> and andy williams at the las vegas hilton gh the first of december. he will be featured on the crystal gayle special, which airs december 4th on another network. >> another network. >> we've got something on this network? yes, okay. [ laughter ] sean is here tonight. would you welcome sean morey. [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you very much. good evening ladies and gentleman. my name is sean morey. let's here a nice, hello sean.
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i come from the east coast. i went to northeastern university in boston. [ applause ] two or three, good. i'm sure most of you haven't heard of northeastern. it's one of the goodest colleges in the nation. [ laughter ] how many college graduates are here tonight? [ applause ] don't be ashamed. usually about 20% in the average audience. the other 80%, people who make good money. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i studied communication in college. it's a fun field. you analyze human behavior in different situations. for instance. did you ever notice in an elevator how nervous people get? everyone faces the front. what you do, get in an elevator and face the people. [ laughter ] act like a psychotic killer. [ laughter ] you get in an elevator on the 18th floor,
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eight and seven. you do your psychotic killer impression. you get off at the 8th floor. you know everyone's going to talk about you. so you run down the stairs to the 7th floor. [ laughter ] when the doors open up you say, "i heard what you said about me." [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you. communication is a common sense subject. they are trying to be real scientific about it. they have whole books now on body language. did you know that if a woman is sitting with her legs crossed, she's probably not interested in having any romance? check them out, check them out. [ laughter ] if a woman is sitting with her eyes crossed, you are probably not interested in having any. [ laughter ] for me, meeting women became complicated in college because that's when feminism came in. tough time for the male ego. women had the song, ? i am young ? ? i am invincible ? ? i am woman ? with all the accusations,
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[ laughter ] personally, i think being a woman has a big advantage over a man because of life expectancy. a male's average life expectancy is 72. a female's is 81. for my 72nd birthday, i'm getting a sex change operation. [ laughter ] i'll be an old lady for nine years. actually, it doesn't matter what sex you are. when you get old you have great advantages. basically, you get away with murder. "airport", on television recently. helen hayes plays a little old lady stowaway. she's so cute, even though she's a criminal, nobody cares. ruth gordon in harold and maude steals cars, runs over policeman, and everybody laughs. i wonder if it's going to be the same way with ronald reagan. [ laughter ] [ applause ] what, he blew up cuba? oh that old coot.
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ladies and gentlemen, i cannot discuss politics without using visual aids. i would like to do for you tonight some political juggling. a lot of political juggling going on in the election this year. we had carter on the left, reagan on the right, anderson was trying to get in the race. [ laughter ] we have the ted kennedy, boomerang juggle. he's out of it. "i'll be back." [ laughter ] we have the ronald reagan peace plan. [ laught the george bush, new activities, juggle. [ laughter ] the gerald ford, vice president juggle. nope nope. [ laughter ] the hamilton jordan equital. [ laughter ] the jimmy carter foreign policy juggle. "let me see. we can't do that. i don't know. we might. we can't. we might. we can't. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
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we have the birth control pill. [ laughter ] runaway inflation. [ laughter ] we have the ayatollah khomeini turkey juggle. bawk bawk. [ laughter ] the jerry brown, over the left shoulder throw. the richard nixon over the right shoulder throw. [ laughter ] [ applause ] the out pack nations juggle. "give me that money." [ laughter ] the american oil companies. "give me, give me, give me, give me." [ laughter ] the internal revenue service, "give me give me give me give me give me." ladies and gentlemen, for my grand finale, i'm going to attempt to juggle three objects of completely different size and shape. i'm going to attempt to juggle a chicken,
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and an m & m. [ laughter ] [ applause ] plain. [ laughter ] no romance tonight. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ applause ] [ music ] >> thank you sean, finally made it.
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[ music ] thank you doc. my next guest--
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my next guest, was the playmate of the month in the november issue of playboy magazine. she's currently featured in a new motion picture by michael crichton, called "looker." we have the magazine here, and i could show you the pictures, but we are still on network. the pictures are very lovely. but we have not progressed to that point yet where we can show the unclothed. [ laughter ] >> unclathed, that's a new word. >> the unclathed, yes. >> that could have been on your list. >> unclathed means you wish they were unclothed. [ laughter ] we can't show that. she's a lovely lady. would you welcome, jeana tomasino. [ music ] [ applause ] we were just looking at your pictures. they are very pretty. something flying around here. >> it didn't come with me.
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>> no, i didn't mean that you had brought insects with you. [ laughter ] you're very pretty. >> thank you. >> it's sitting there. now i want to ask you, be honest about this. you said in things you liked, you mentioned some of your favorite programs, i think were 60 minutes, and you mentioned the tonight show. is that true? >> well, almost. >> what do you mean almost? >> i said i like the tonight show "with" johnny carson. >> well i didn't see that. [ laughter ] >> you cand you can read it too. [ laughter ] >> how did this come about? how does one get to be a? i imagine there are thousands of girls in this country that kind of fantasize that someday they would get to be the centerfold in playboy. how did it come about for you? >> i was a model in milwaukee and i moved to chicago and was modeling there for playboy models. [ applause ] every time i would go in to pick up a check or something, the magazine is in the same building,
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so everyone is anxious to get in on it in the building. >> you mean if somebody finds somebody, who will become the playmate, they get a finder's fee? >> yes. >> i didn't know that. >> sure, i'm always going up to pretty girls on the street and, "would you like to be playmate?" [ laughter ] >> guys, we got a whole new thing going. [ laughter ] so now, what happened in your case? did somebody in the store recommend you? >> they did about 10 different times, and for three years i thought about it. and then i started dating a man who worked for playboy and he use to bring me to the parties things. it was such fun. i wanted to be a part of it. >> so, he put your name in. >> so i did the test shots, and he put my name in, and got my finder's fee. he just got it a few weeks ago and i'm kind of mad at him because he didn't give it back to me. >> right. >> that's kind of why i wrote him in because i thought he'd say, "here honey." >> is this your boyfriend? >> yes. >> did he get the finder's fee? >> yes, and he's keeping it. >> and he's keeping it. >> i wanted it. >> well don't you also receive something for the centerfold
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and it's very lucrative. >> is this something you wanted to do when you were younger? >> i did but i never thought i would get it. people, when i was in high school, people thought i was a toothpick and i had all of these funny names they use to call me, and i never dreamed. >> you were very skinny? >> oh, very skinny and glasses, very thick glasses. >> really? you certainly grew out of that. >> i did, thank god. >> how does your family react to this? i know this probably is a question you get all the time, but a lot of people think, well, you would have embarrassed some parents, maybe. >> you know i thought that would too. my father is a fireman. >> in milwaukee? >> in franklin, wisconsin. >> franklin, wisconsin. >> i thought it would be the worst for him because he drove trucks. >> did you tell him beforehand you were going to do it? >> well no, i sent him a subscription to the magazine like six months in advance. >> got to get dad prime, huh? >> yes. so he would be objective about it by the time mine came. >> right. >> say, "well, hers is nicer. or this, or whatever." it's always going to be because it's his daughter. but i sent him the magazine, and he reacted beautifully.
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they had limos, which was incredible for me. i got use to it very quickly. >> yes you do. >> and he followed around on his motorcycle. he could have ridden in the car if he wanted, but no, followed around on his motorcycle and every time the car would stop, he would stand there with his camera, taking pictures. >> so he was really proud of the magazine? >> he was, and he wouldn't take the magazine to work. he thought he'd help sales by making everyone go buy their own. [ laughter ] and he's trying to help your network ratings tonight by calling everybody. your dad sounds like a pretty good promoter. >> he really is. >> how is the rest of the family? >> they are all fine. my little sister is 17 or 18, she just had a birthday, and she's a cheerleader. >> were you a cheerleader? >> that was a sore point with me. >> why? >> i tried all through high school and i was so ugly i couldn't be one. and then my senior year. >> i got turned down as a cheerleader when i was in high school. >> did you? >> yes. >> i can't imagine why. >> i went out for the cheerleading squad and i never made it. >> do you have bad legs? that's very important.
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something was completely off in my timing. i don't know what it was. [ laughter ] so you felt awkward as a child? >> yes, real awkward. >> where's your boyfriend? he wanted you in the magazine. i just noticed that miss world, the girl who just won the miss world contest, turned it down after she had won it, because she said i think her boyfriend was upset or something. and she stepped aside and let the runner up. >> wasn't that strange? >> i couldn't understand why she would do that. >> all that hard work. i was in a pageant once and i couldn't believe it. >> would you go through another beauty pageant or do you think it's too much work? >> they are very political and i think they are very, i think they are all fixed in a way. i know, because i won one. [ laughter ] >> your dad must have been in there somewhere. >> he was there somehow. >> how about the picture. tell me about the motion picture. how did you get into this? >> they auditioned every girl in town. >> right. >> and i think i went seven times and read for them, and i read for the lead. it's a movie about beautiful women. so of course i was so happy
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well, i'm a scrub nurse. >> you're what? >> in the picture i'm a scrub nurse. i assist the plastic surgeon who works on the beautiful women. >> the scrub nurse. you put on the uniform? >> big baggy uniform. i thought i was going to be picked for my looks or my figure or something. >> you're a scrub nurse. >> big baggy nurses outfit and this hat. at one point, oh i fought with the costume lady all the time. there's the mask you wear so you don't get germs on the people. so i tried to be every kind of nurse. a circulating nurse, a whatever, so i wouldn't have to wear the mask so you couldn't breathe. in make up and you never have to look for me. i'm always in their chair and they put the mask over me. i couldn't believe it. >> you did commercials though, did you not? before somebody said. >> yes. >> television commercials? >> television commercials. >> what did you do? something we can mention? i mean, maybe it's one of our sponsors. >> well, coppertone, lincoln mercury, canada dry, but the funniest one is the dittos blue jean commercial. >> i've seen those. >> the casting agents and everyone kept saying,
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until i went to shoot it. it's a spot, and it just shows you from like here to here. >> right. >> and it starts out on the back of your bottom. >> yes that's what it's called. >> and you spin around, and you're unzipping, and each time you turn, there's a different color pants. >> i've seen it. >> they said, "well we would like to do rehearsals." so fine. i'm standing there and i start to unzip it, and i turn around they want you to start pulling it down a little bit so it looks like you're changing. so when you turn around it's the next pants. well, here's the camera back here the whole camera crew was back here. >> standing over here? >> yes. so it was like one of the most embarrassing moments. >> welcome to show business. [ laughter ] the camera crew always knows where to go. >> they were. right there with the director back there. "oh that's fine. turn a little more." >> we are going to take a break. we will be right back. stay where you are.
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[ music ] thank you, doc. what is next for you? first of all, i wish you much luck with your career. you said you are involved in a singing group now that you hope works out? >> yes, it's a singing group called the playmates. which involves four other girls so, it's five playmates. >> that sounds like fun. we are recording and working on an act now with a choreographer. >> well, i wish you much luck. you are a very attractive girl. >> thank you. tomorrow night. [ laughter ] thank you. have a nice evening. [ music ] [ applause ]
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your attention please, ladies and gentlemen. announcing the departure of sandpiper flight 20 to martha's vineyard and new bedford. we request that passengers needing assistance or traveling with small children please board at this time. fay... yes, joe? first, that was a lovely announcement. oh, thank you. but we don't have anyone on flight 20. there's not even anyone here. i, i guess i'm just a creature of habit. it was 9:00 a.m. and i automatically announced flight 20. it's kind of silly, isn't it?
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attention, please. flight 20 has been canceled. well, uh... i, i just, uh... needed closure. helen, what are you working on? i'm working on a new menu. when i was in new york davis took me to this restaurant where everything was named after celebrities. so i thought it might be fun with the people around here. i've got "helen's hashbrowns..." ( chuckles ) "sloppy joe hackett--" get it? oh. did you, uh, did you happen to name anything after me? i sure did. "antonio's spaghetti and meatballs." how long did it take you to come up with that one?
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no, i'm sorry. i didn't mean to offend you. let's just forget about that, okay? here. what can i get you for lunch? ( italian accent: ) mama mia, i don't-a know. how about a nice-a pizza pie. i don't know why antonio is so upset. i think it's a lovely idea. thank you. are you going to name anything after me? i already did. "fay's bran muffin." i'm a bran muffin? well, you know, you order one every morning. does the whole world have to know that? helen, what am i? what am i? what am i? actually, lowell, i... i'll make the menu, right? you won't leave me out, will you? oh, no, of course not. as a matter of fact, you can be any food you want.
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i'm going to take a little time with this. i mean, i have to be something that's low in cholesterol and no fat and i have to be easy to digest. i don't want anybody waking up in the middle of the night, saying "boy, that lowell mather gave me gas." i really enjoyed your helicopter tour. when it got choppy up there i hope i didn't squeeze your hand too hard. no, i'm actually starting to get some feeling back into my fingers. i'm going to be in nantucket a couple of days. any chance you might be free for dinner? hey, that's... that's really nice. but the fact is i'm seeing someone. hey, baby. hi. well, you can't blame a guy for trying. ( dry chuckle ) what was that all about? oh, he just asked me out. what do you mean he asked you out? relax. i said "no."
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of course, if you want to go out with other guys, you can. are you trying to get rid of me? nah. i just wanted to give you your space. i didn't ask you for space. wait a minute. is this your way of telling me that you want more space? no, i don't want to go out with other women. well, i'm perfectly happy just going out with you. well, i've never been happier in my whole life. i've never been happier either. let's just see each other then. okay! all right! hold it. something important just happened here. what was it? i think we just agreed to have an exclusive relationship. haven't we been doing that already? yeah, but we made it official. official? we're not engaged, are we? no, but that look of terror on your face is very flattering. i didn't mean it that way, you know.
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all right. hey, guys. i'm sorry to interrupt. but, listen, recently i've been given the opportunity to become a food. so, i just want to run these ideas past you. "lowell melt." "lowell kabob." or "lowell slaw." okay, good idea. you can get back to me later. oh, yeah. yeah, that sounds great. hey, joe. something big just happened to me. hold for one second. what? alex and i, uh... just took a very big step in our relationship. you got engaged? no! no, no, no. i mean, nothing like that.
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oh. isn't that what you've been doing? yeah, kind of. but we decided to make it official. great. so, audrey... audrey, i'll see you tomorrow night, okay? wait... all right. bye-bye. audrey, audrey... the redhead with the legs? no, the short, stumpy audrey. wowee... wait, wait, i thought you were dating cindy. i am. saturday. and in case you're interested, sunday-- i'm going out with dana. wait, cindy and dana? don't forget audrey. but, hey, you and alex, man-- that is great mews. yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah. no, i'm real happy about it. well, i'm happy for you. you don't think i'm moving too fast? no, i said it was great. i feel great about it. you should. well, i do... don't i? yeah, of course. i got to pick up this charter in boston.
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i'm doing a good thing, right? absolutely. 'cause i'm real happy about me and alex. good. 'cause i'm real happy about me, cindy, audrey dana, and michelle. there's a michelle? oh, didn't i mention her? sunday brunch. so alex is outside, right? 'cause i want to congratulate her too. stay away from her. she's all i got. helen, uh, i hear you're naming items on your menu after people who work around here. right. what am i? oh, you're the jumbo turkey leg. is that some kind of crack? no, it's because you order it practically every day. i don't want to be that. all right, roy, fine.
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a salad. have you ever seen a salad? fine. you are a salad. okay, what do you want for lunch? the roy salad. uh, uh... and the jumbo turkey leg. helen: hey, brian. i heard you and alex made it official. you got engaged? no! no, no, no. we're just dating exclusively now. congratulations. you made a really good decision. thank you. i did... didn't i? you know what i'm going to do? i'm going to name something on my menu after you two. how about the "alex and brian soup and sandwich combo"? i'm a salad. combo.
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sometimes the sandwich might want to be by itself. is that so bad? it could spend some time with the chips or maybe just, uh... its off hours with the pickle. why does the sandwich always have to be with the soup? it doesn't, does it? brian, are you having doubts about this alex thing? well, no. where would you get that from? when two people feel for each other the way alex and i do... how you doing? and there's love, and there's... there's trust... a great deal of trust there. there's, uh... what, where, where was i? same place as me. in a steaming shower soaping up that blond chick. hey, brian, remember you have a great relationship with alex. oh, you're right. i've got a great woman. i am not missing a thing.
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brian: hey, joey, come here. who are these women? fashion models. that was the charter i picked up. can you believe it? right this way.
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woman: okay, fluff! fluff! that's it. chins up! that's it. there we go. zarrina, honey, wipe off the lip gloss. you look like you've been sucking on a squid. hey, the plane was a good idea, hackett. cigarette? oh, no, thanks. i don't smoke. don't lecture me. marjean. marjean. you look like you're posing. come on, now.
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yeah. back when i was a model i wouldn't have taken a crap job like this. you were a model? is that so hard to believe? no, i mean that's what i would have guessed. you know, model, stewardess... longshoreman. all right, good, good. everybody off. tiffany, come here. i want you to grab this wrench and, uh screw around here with the plane. make like you're fixing the propeller. hey. hey, hey, hey, joe. how come i'm never consulted when a new mechanic's hired? lowell, look, you don't understand. i understand perfectly. doesn't take a genius to figure out how this one got the job. hey, uh, joey, i need to see you for just a... hackett, hackett
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no, it's all right. everybody, everyone, this is my brother brian. listen, before this gets out of hand i think you should know i'm in a committed relationship, so sorry. ( chuckling ) look, you're cute. nobody cares. take it outside. look, brian do you want to see me? yeah. i need you to, uh, sign this. it's a clipboard. you want me to sign a clipboard? not if you're going to cop an attitude. you couldn't resist, could you? they're amazing. what, them? they're okay if you go for that type but none of them, none of them are as beautiful as alex. ( screams ) what happened to you? i was working on the helicopter engine.
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i just came over to tell you i was thinking about our talk and i feel just great about it. me too. i feel great. go clean up. all right. on the menu. actually, lowell... i feel very honored that you would even think to include me. you're welcome. it's just that... it's a tribute having something named after you. kind of like the washington monument or the lincoln memorial, or the flintstone vitamin. so it's with no small amount of pride that i can say to you... i'm not naming anything after anybody.
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you guys. you should see joe carrying on out there. he's acting like a little kid. he's just excited because they're gorgeous models. they're not even that good-looking really when you take away the hairdos and all the makeup and the perfect bodies. i mean, what do you have? the woman i went out with last night. hackett, you are as transparent as glass. you shackled yourself to lambert. now it's killing you. shackle himself to anyone. he made a mature decision based on love and caring and he couldn't be happier. what she said. it is not natural for a guy to look at the same woman for the rest of his life. or in your case, until you run out of quarters.
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brian? defend yourself here. he's too busy staring at that babe over there on the phone. yes, i'm in a committed relationship but that doesn't mean i can't look at a beautiful woman. i'm a guy. well, uh, i don't understand what all the fuss is about. in italy, men aren't even expected to be monogamous. of course not. they keep going from dame to dame trying to find one who shaves her pits. i resent that comment, roy. i don't deny it, i just resent it. helen, can i get some ice water? it's amazing how hard those girls work
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what do you mean? the girls are like all... all sweaty? you're not interested in them, brian. i'm not interested in them. you're in a committed relationship. i'm in a committed relationship. you couldn't be happier. i couldn't be happier. that's very good, helen. i couldn't even see your lips move. it's the girls' last day of shooting. thought i'd invite them to our house tonight for a little party. party? you couldn't care less. i couldn't care less. wild, crazy, uninhibited fun. meaningless sex. hot... freaky... i don't have to do that anymore. we need directions to the party. uh, excuse me. i don't have to do that anymore because of this lady. so you guys go have your party. party all night long.
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at home having a quiet evening with alex. not tonight. i'm going to boston. tonight? you remember. i'm going to see my college roommate. think you'll be okay without me for one night?
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you know, after all these months of travelling-- paris, milan, rome-- it's nice to let your hair down with some normal people. hey, joe, this is a really classy party and this cheese-in-a-can stuff is really great. oh, hey, uh... vi, you need an ash tray? don't lecture me. hey, you really want to do something for me you'll dance with me, sparky. ( doorbell rings ) oh, i'm sorry. i better get that. hi.
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hi. bye. hey, wait a minute. roy, what are you doing here? oh, look, hackett, i know i wasn't invited... ( gasping and panting ) look at all those models. please, hackett, you got to let me stay. there must be one of them you can spare. all right, roy, you can stay. as a matter of fact i've got the perfect girl for you. vi? vi? what? there's someone over here i want you to meet. n who looks like he's been around the track a few times. you stay right here, stud muffin. i'm going to go get us a couple of drinks. hackett... she's rude and crude, and looks like she could hurt me. thanks, i owe you. i like italian men.
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that means a beautiful girl. and what do you call a beautiful boy? in my village, we call him bibi. oh! oh, god! oh! wow, i'm sorry. uh... oh, it's okay. is there someplace i can get cleaned up? come with me. right through this door. there's a couple of bathrooms upstairs. oh, thanks. didn't i see you at the airport? you're, uh..? in a committed relationship. would you excuse me, please? committed. hey. hey, brian, how you doing? where you been? been doing everything i could to stay away from this place. i got so desperate that i ended up at the library. at the library? yeah. big mistake. i still have a book overdue since junior high.
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i'm not available. please... don't flatter yourself. lowell... lowell... hey, brian, brian, hey. come on, stop being so jumpy. why don't you just relax, join the party. you don't have to do anything. you're right. i'm a mature adult. there are beautiful women all over the place? i can handle it. i cannot handle it. is there any more ice? what is it with you women? he means no? will you come with me, please? can't this wait? no, it can't wait. do you mind if i use your phone? they're all over me! okay, all right, brian, what is so damn important? i'm in a committed relationship. could you make this quick? take this key, okay? lock the door, and do not let me out until the morning no matter what happens.
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hey, you see those women down there, joey and you know me. i don't believe this. i'm trying to be good here. you got to help me out so no matter how much screaming or begging i do don't let me out of this room. you're serious? absolutely. all right. ( joe locks door ) oh. excuse me. i just came... don't come any further, please. joe! joe!
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god, i hate the off-season. if we don't get some customers soon i don't know how i'll make it through. oh, you people are pathetic. if any of you had any business sense you could ride it out like i do. want to know my secret? all: no. i scare my employees then when i keep them on-- at half pay-- they're so grateful they'll do whatever i want. they don't actually fall for that? okay, roy, i scraped your shower grout i drained you septic tank, and i dewormed your dog. lowell, you don't have to do those disgusting jobs for roy. and what's with the outfit?
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r. now go to the old folks home. give my mom her foot massage. got you. you know, i thought i was going to have to start at the bottom. how was your flight? what flight? one measly passenger. some woman leaving her husband. at the last minute they have a tearful reunion and go home to their kids. you think they thought about my feelings for one minute? brian, uh, you ready to go? yeah, let's go. helen: so, where you two off to? who says we're going anywhere? i mean, we're going somewhere. it's just nowhere special, okay? enjoy yourselves. what is that supposed to mean? we'll see you guys later. have a nice time.
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alex, shh! i guess you'll find out eventually. ( laughing ) go ahead, make your cracks. roy: i recognize that outfit. you're a serving wench down at king arthur's bar and grill. yes, roy, i am. are you happy? ecstatic. look at me, demeaning myself. i'm a lowly waitress. well, thank you, alex. no, i mean... i didn't mean it that way. it's just that my helicopter business has been so bad that i have to, you know do something to make ends meet. you wouldn't believe some of the things we've done to get through the off-season. yeah. i remember one year business was so bad i had to take a job as a private pilot
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uh, shouldn't he be in a cage, or something? don't worry. well, uh, how do i know that all of a sudden he won't think my head's a coconut? as long as i'm here, mr. bongo is fine. well, good. i understand these little guys have the strength of four men. six. hey, hey, hey, hey, uh, uh, would you tell him to give me back my hat, please? just bored. he usually watches the movie, but, uh not on this bucket. look, i happen to think that this plane is plenty good enough for mr. bongo. i'm the pilot. i give the orders here and i want my hat back. man: okay, bongo, give him back his hat. thank you. actually, he's behaving very well. coming in from paris some stewardess tried to bump him back into coach
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what was he doing in paris? bongo was representing the united states at an economic summit. what do you think he was doing? his act. what does he do, wear a dress and roller skate? please. that old cliche? this chimp's a class act. obviously. most chimps use their feet to do that. you, that and the other thing we do not do in public. uh, i want you to know that i usually run my own airline. i, uh, i don't usually do this kind of work. you know, it is the slow season and, well, things, you know, taper off. you understand how that is, right? right? come on, come on, wake up.
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mr. bongo over here? hey, come on, wake up. oh, great, great. the man controlling the animal is out cold. all right. okay, joe. don't be nervous. just relax. everything's going to be fine. so, i got to tell you planet of the apes is my favorite movie. you're right, you're right. roddy mcdowell's a very unconvincing ape. uh, chimp. uh... what's, what's politically correct-- a simian-american? listen, uh... darwin's theory of evolution. uh... any thoughts? no, no, no... i don't believe in it either. hey, hey, you listen here. look... listen, you hairy little runt.
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cut it out. i mean it. i will turn this plane around. if i have to come back there you are going to be in big trouble. you want me to pull over? oh, god, i sound just like my father. look, there's no movie. there's no in-flight meal. what the hell do you want? oh, no, no, no. there is no way that you are flying this plane. are you happy now? oh, i still cannot believe you let a monkey fly that plane.
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