[ "tonight show" theme ] >> here's johnny! [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ music ] >> hey-o!

thank you. boy, what a nice crowd. thank you! thank you, very much! [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] i'm also available in a "beefcake" calendar. [ laughter ] have you seen those goin' around? >> yeah. >> who would've thought, a few y-- we were all lookin' at pictures of the girls on calendars? now, they have-- right? how many of you women have bought one? you know-- [ some applause ] come on. today, a bookstore has more buns than mcdonald's. [ laughter ] i'm just-- [ laughter ] by the way, before i get into gear, nbc has asked me to announce that all the money, taken in from the tour, today, will used-- be used to buy something on the tour worth seeing. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ indistinct ] anyway, i welcome ya to burbank. uh, we say, every night, we're from hollywood. we're really not from hollywood. sounds more glamorous. hollywood is a little...

it's kind of a laid-back... lemme put it this way. you show me one other community where you have a sala ba-- salad bar in a left-turn lane. [ laughter ] [ person applauding ] how many of-- no, no, don't encourage this kind of material. [ laughter ] speaking of hollywood, michael jackson had his star-- >> yeah. >> put on the hollywood walk of fame, today. six thousand people showed up, at 12:30, today. um, if you wanna go see lemme give ya, uh, directions-- easy. you go to the corner where the pedestrian crosswalk says "moonwalk" and "don't moonwalk." [ laughter ] [ some booing ] boos? you got in free! whaddya want? [ laughter ] i should boo you! you got a boo! [ laughter ] funny thing about hollywood-- when he showed up, wearing the-the epaulets, and the sash, and the one glove, and the sequin stuff,

[ laughter ] anyway, we are, as i have mentioned before, in television, in sweep months. you probably have noticed-- been watching your shows-- they spice them up, with sex, this month, to get big ratings. now, nbc, our own network, has a tv movie on tomorrow, that doesn't-doesn't quite make it. i think they're pushing it. helen hayes, as a-- as a valley call girl. it's called-- [ laughter ] it's called "dial 818 for granny." [ laughter ] now, tis anyway... president reagan, i guess, is still up at his ranch, in santa barbara. and the president is participating in a program, up there, to stop rural theft. and-- good citizen that is-- he is. and he spent the day putting id numbers on all of his equipment, and, uh, nancy was up, all day, sewing nametags for the cattle. [ laughter ] and-- i'm not making this up. this-- president-- president, himself, spent two hours,

of leaf blower one. [ laughter ] in case-- [ laughter continues ] reagan went out to the barn, today, with his axe, and the turkey said, "you promised--" [ stuttering ] [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] you know how turkeys talk-- [ making gibberish sounds ] [ laughter ] turkeyd, me, before the election, there wouldn't be any cuts." that's-- was the joke. [ laughter ] okay. [ applause ] [ cheering ] anyway. thanksgiving. are you, uh, making preparations? >> yes. >> thanksgiving. that's the time of year you invite the relatives you hate over, for family dinner. [ some laughter ] and you give thanks that it's only once a year. [ laughter ] have you done your thanksgiving shopping, yet? i was in ralph's, this morning. >> oh.

here are the jokes i bought. [ laughter ] i have a weird butcher. you know him. murray giblets? >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> wants to be in show business. i said, today-- i said, "what's the best way to thaw out a frozen turkey?" he said, "blow in its ear." [ laughter ] >> strange butcher. he's afraid of mice. he keeps a frozen cat in the meat locker. [ laughter ] anyway, this is the time o' year you'll also see the-- there's one on tomorrow night-- "thanksgiving at three mile island." [ laughter ] called "a two-pound turkey and a 50-pound cranberry." [ laughter ] and, as i was leaving the supermarket, today-- [ laughter ] i was leaving the supermarket, today. a panhandler came up to me [ chuckling ] and said, "can ya spare $100? i haven't eaten, all week." and i said, "you wanna buy a turkey?" he says-- no, he says, "i'm starving.

that's an awfully good joke. uh. [ laughter ] as often happens, sometimes, with very good jokes, uh, they-- [ laughter ] they don't get a very good laugh. that's-- [ laughing ] >> trust me. that's a good joke. [ applause ] [ cheering ] [ chuckling ] now, a little show business news. today, mr. rogers-- you know mr. rogers, of "mister rogers' neighborhood?" his sweater was placed in the smithsonian institute-- [ some laughter ] absolutely! in washington. the same sweater he has worn, after 9000 consecutive programs. can you say gamey? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ]

but that's an honor. i haven't-- having your sweater placed-- can you say tax write-off? anyway. [ laughter ] orson welles' pants also went to the smithsonian. [ some laughter ] th-they're the dustcover for the rotunda. did you know that-- [ laughter ] [ chuckling ] i'm working like a lounge comic tonight. [ laughter ] some sad show business news. uh-- yes. >> what? >> marie osmond is having a-a trial separation uh, from her husband. [ collective "aww" ] case you folks don't know what a trial separation is, first you separate, then you go to trial. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] [ chuckling ] boom! >> i like that. you really need a rimshot. >> we don't fool around. here's a joke. bing! [ some laughter ] no, i like that marie. she's, uh, very conservative, though. you know, on her wedding night, she made her husband wear oven mitts? [ laughter ]

[ chuckling ] anyway, i certainly enjoyed this little get-together. we have a-- we have a good show tonight. robert blake is here. [ cheering and applause ] we have-- we have a new, young comedian on the show. first time. louie anderson is with us. [ applause ] and... and i haven't seen this gal for a long time. i-- but i know her, quite well. a writer and an actress. miss selma diamond [ applause ] so, stay where ya are, and we'll be right back. [ "tonight show" theme ] [ cheering ] thank you.

[ music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] thank you, doc. we are back. with selma diamond,

is there not a-- there's only the first-- i'm getting a little-- is there a full moon, or something? >> something. >> yeah. >> you are w-working like a lounge act, though. >> did you know-- [ chuckling ] did you know, earlier today, mcdonald's, uh, sold their 50 billionth-- >> yeah. >> hamburger? now, a lotta their competition-- wonder how they exactly knew, but i suppose they figure they've been in business so many years, so so many bur-- and they-- this-- 50 billion hamburgers. >> mmm. >> do you know how many million that is? that's 50,000 million hamburgers. anyway, the mcdonald's chain-- the mcdonald's chain has released some interesting facts. i know you are waiting to hear these facts. [ laughter ] >> oh, boy! >> annually, they sell 435 million pounds of ground beef. they say equal to a herd, each year, now. to a herd of 435,000 cows. >> mmm. >> each year! uh, mcdonald's, annually,

the weight of five saturn v rockets. [ laughter ] reagan likes those things. [ imitating reagan ] well, if you-- if you pile them all up, they'd be a-- a saturn rocket. [ laughter ] [ applause ] all right. they sell three point four billion buns, enough to circle the globe [ imitating reagan ] eight point seven times. [ laughter ] now, here's a-- here's a strange statistic. a new mcdonald's opens every 18 hours, somewhere in the world. >> wow. >> in the time it takes ay i'm reading, right now, mcdonald's has sold about 2000 hamburgers. just in that period of 10 seconds. the original ronald mcdonald-- do you know who that was? >> no. >> i did not know. >> it's on a trivia game. >> nbc "today show" weather man willard scott. [ some laughter ] was the first-- >> yeah. >> wouldn't willard be a little large to be ronald? >> yes. >> now, if you invested in mcdonald's, some years ago,

in 1965, 100 shares of mcdonald's stock were worth $2250. today, their value-- $190,000. >> mmm. >> now, we found some interesting facts, relating to mcdonald's-- and to the fast-food industry, in general. >> yes! [ chuckling ] [ some laughter ] >> if you piled up one million mcdonald's hamburgers, you would have a stack over one foot tall. [ applause ] oh! [ laughing ] >> you're gonna get a call about that, fred? [ laughter ] mr. de cordova-- "i told him not to do that! [ laughter ] they're gonna call!" >> all in jest. >> it's all in jest. this is a jest, mcdonald's. [ some laughter ] tell the lawyer that, when he shows up.

the 40 billionth burger was served to tip o'neill. tip was also served the 25 billionth burger, [ some laughter ] and every one in between. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] the idea for mcdonald's popular new chicken item came from pete rose-- not generally known. one day, as he was playing first base, ball took a bad hop and hit him. as he fell, he screamed, "oh, my mcnuggets!" [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughter continues ] recently, los angeles passed a clean-air ordinance for fast food restaurants. on hot days, bob's big boy is required to put his arm down.

statue was not a success. it had bob holding a tray of sheep-neutering tools. [ laughter ] they said, "get that down!" [ laughter ] the biggest big mac of all time was 20 feet in diameter. the biggest whopper was when reagan said he wouldn't raise taxes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i there are, around the world, but the toughest-- the toughest mcdonald's franchise, in the world, is on the waterfront, in singapore. a cow and a chicken are each given a switchblade, and the loser is served out through the drive-thru window. [ laughter ] more interesting facts. wendy's spokeswoman, clara peller... was once arrested, for hiding inside baseball pitcher jim palmer's underwear drawer and screaming,

[ applause ] interesting fact. more wom-- more men-- more men than women order onions on their burgers. and, if you wait in a grocery line long enough, every one of those guys will stand an inch from your face and bitch about the rams. [ laughter ] over seven million tons of brylcreem... stain the little paper hats worn by fast food clerks. [ laughter ] the original speaker, at jack in the box, was shortened several feet, when a carload of librarians complained about talking into a clown's groin. [ laughter ] the-- [ applause ] the international house of pancakes lives up to its name-- the managers are american, the kitchen help is mexican, and the owners

the famous bell ringer, quasimodo... opened a kentucky fried chicken outlet, in france, but it turned off too many customers because of its slogan, "hump-lickin' good." [ laughter ] >> whoo! >> a person could easily survive on a diet of nothing but fast food, and any guy who is married to a jewish princess does. [ laughter ] [ applause ] in 1 a clerk let ronald mcdonald have it his way, resulting in the first mcperni-- paternity suit. [ laughter ] >> and those are a few facts-- p-paternity. [ cheering ] >> all in jest. >> all in jest. >> all in jest. >> now. look. lemme do-- ya hate-- ya hate to have to do a disclaimer about something that people, i think--

would realize, is in jest. >> yes. >> but, sometimes, when you're talkin' about companies, their sense of humor evaporates-- >> yes. >> right? [ chuckling ] right in midair. i remember sara lee, very well. >> oh, yes. >> all because-- >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> no, maybe i'll tell the studio audience later. >> yeah. >> uh. no, we'll get in trouble. [ cheering and applause ] we'll be back, with robert blake, louie anderson,

[ music ] [ applause ] you're on the phone. [ chuckling ] what... [ applause continues ] what were you on the phone about, fred? >> well, we were moving a commercial-- >> oh-- >> which has to do with fast food. >> there was a commercial, directly adjacent to this piece of material we just did. we-we moved, just to-- [ laughter ] >> it was for burger king.

a good place, also. they're both fine. >> yes. >> they're both swell people. >> yeah. >> and both have fine lawyers working for them. [ laughter ] >> whom have great senses of humor-- >> yes. >> so i'm sure we won't hear from them. actually, go out and start my car, will ya? i'm coming-- [ laughter ] my first guest is a good friend. i like, uh, uh, robert blake. he's a-- he's a wonderful actor. he won an emmy, for "baretta." he is currently working in a two-hour tv pilot called "hell town," which will air, right here on nbc-- they never say when. networks do not like to commit themselves, too far in advance-- is in january. >> right. >> would you welcome robert blake? [ applause ] [ music ] [ cheering ] well. tell ya. i'm kind of honored. the black suit, tonight, huh? >> ah, as to whether

>> we leave that open to question. >> well, it'll air. >> may be sold to hbo. may be sold to italy, for mandolin picks. we don't know what they're gonna do. [ laughter ] >> i see you have that wonderful, positive attitude, as you usually do, about your work. anyway, what, uh-- what's the occasion? >> this is, uh-- well, i've just rushed over from the set! [ laughing ] >> how many times have you heard people say that, when they come on the show? >> "just didn't have time to change." >> "i just have a minute. i'm sorry i can't stayth i've gotta get back to the set." [ laughing ] >> you don't have to get back to the set, huh? >> no, i've got, uh-- i've got, uh-- as a matter of fact, there's a guy, downtown, with a black suit, walkin' around. he can stay there, all night. [ both chuckling ] >> okay, now-- >> i'm doing this project called "hell town." [ laughing ] you see. and i'm playing a priest-- >> now-- >> you see. >> before you go any further-- >> before i go any further-- >> i-- >> get the lawyers. >> i know-- i know, i think, what goes on your-- in your head, at times. >> you do? >> even though you don't. even though you don't. >> i want you to talk to my head, man. [ chuckling ] >> i know. even though you don't, i think--

[ chucklin two or three years ago-- after you finished "baretta," you said, "i will never, ever do another television series, for those guys in the suits." >> yes. >> right. now, you're doin' a series. >> well, you see, what happened was... i went off, to be a movie star-- >> right. >> and i blew that. [ laughter ] then, i decided to become a gentlemen of leisure and enjoy my millions, which blew that. [ laughter ] uh, probably, you have some-- >> empathy? >> sympatico, in that area. >> some em-empathy. some empathy. [ laughter ] >> so, when the bread went-- [ laughing ] i found myself back down at 5th and los angeles, leaping from building to building in a single bound! >> of course! you go where the work is, right? >> that's right. >> right. >> well, you know, i'm gonna have, uh-- >> but that's not-- >> hollywood stars? >> yeah. >> only, i'm gonna have mine down at 5th and los angeles. >> that would be nice! >> with a little wino

>> that'd be nice. you could start a whole new thing, for real mavericks in the business. you put your star down, you know-- >> yes! >> something like that? >> mayor ugatz, i want a star at 5th and los angeles. [ chuckling ] so, your leading-- >> that's-- he's the mayor of 5th and los angeles. >> now-- >> that ain't the mayor of los angeles. > >now, you've, uh, pl-- you've, uh, played a, uh-- an undercover agent. you played a detective-- joe dancer. >> yes. >> right? and, now, you're playing a priest. >> a priest. yes. >> is that, uh-- >> i'm playing a priest. >> a great departure, from you? >> well-- >> i will-- i will ven on "baretta," once. or a clergyman. >> yes. i-i probably have been a priest, undercover, off the camera, too. i-- see, i was-- i was-- i'm very familiar with, uh-- one o' my first failures, in show business, was as an altar boy, you see. i never made it. >> were you-- that's right, you are catholic. >> i tried. but, uh-- >> aw. >> i couldn't remember the latin, and, uh, i dunno. i ate all the wafers, or somethin'. i did somethin' wrong. [ laughter ] anyway, i didn't make it. i didn't make it. i just-- it was time-- >> you ever been

>> uh-- >> they have a wine list, at communion. [ laughter ] >> i just wanted to sneak that in. anyway. >> "may i see your wine list?" >> just-- [ applause ] >> all in jest. >> that's all in-- now, wait, a minute. >> all in jest. >> wait, a minute. while i'm doing copouts, that's also in jest. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> the catholic churches also has very big lawyers. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> also has a great sense of humor. [ chuckling ] >> this may happen, all during the show, tonight. just-- [ some laughter ] so, did you like being an altar boy? >> uh, no. i mean, i failed at it. >> aw. >> to sunday. i failed, somewhere on friday rehearsal. >> aw. >> but, uh, i'm playin' a priest named... noah "hardstep" rivers, in east l.a. and it's a show called "hell town." and, uh, there's no point in pluggin' it, 'cause it may never get on the air, you see. >> don't say that. no, no, you must think positive >> well, i must also tell the truth, or, uh-- >> well, why do you say it might not get on the air? >> well, because, you see, we have several problems. >> i sound like merv griffin. [ imitating merv griffin ] "why do you think it won't get on the air?" [ laughter ] [ applause ]

griffin does that, all-- "why doesn't it get on the air? >> the network is yelling. you see. they're saying, "you can't have a priest kissed a girl." >> [ imitating merv griffin ] oh, that's good. that's good. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] we'll be right back. we have a fashion show, with oscar de la renta. [ chuckling ] for adults with advanced non-small cell lung cancer previously treated with platinum-based chemotherapy, or e.g.f.r. gene who've tried an fda-approved targeted therapy, this is big. a chance to live longer with opdivo, nivolumab. opdivo demonstrated longer life and is the most prescribed immunotherapy for these patients. opdivo significantly increased the chance of living longer versus chemotherapy. no biomarker testing is required with opdivo,

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[ music ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] talking with robert blake. selma diamond will be here. louie anderson. anyway, we've covered, now, your new show, the fact that you, uh, messed it up, as altar boy. >> well, uh-- >> yeah. >> just-- lemme explain why it may not go on the air, you see. >> all right. >> just briefly. uh-- and i'm not pluggin' the show, like i say, 'cause it ain't gonna be on, till 1999, and maybe not at all. but, somehow or other-- >> this must make the people who're putting the money up, on this project, rather-- >> yes. that's my friend brandon. >> oh, bran-- mr. tartikoff.

>> hi, brandon. [ laughing ] anyway. [ some laughter ] brandon decided to unleash old crazy horse, again, on, uh, television. and, somehow or other, some member of my company-- my entire staff who works for me-- neglected to send a script to standards and practices. >> i see. >> now, you know what they are. >> yes. it's like a-- >> they count bullets and do all those things-- tell you what you can't see, because you're invalids, and you have to be watched. anyway. [ some laughter ] >> somehow or other-- >> i think it actually says that, in the-- in the contract. [ laughter ] >> they didn't get a script. so-- >> you're-you're gonna go get 'em, huh? [ laughing ] >> we wound up shooting, and, all of sudden, standards and practices-- after i been shooting for a week or so-- they got the script. and they said, "well, this priest can't punch people in the face. he can't drink beer. he can't kiss the girl." >> priests do drink beer, right? father jack? >> oh, yeah. yeah, they-- [ laughing ] >> who're you talking to?

[ laughter ] >> so, that's why. i mean, they don't know what they're gonna get, until they get it. >> right. >> and, when they get it, they'll look at it. >> right. >> and they'll say, "now, what is he doing? is he just kissing her, or is he literally swapping spit with her, or something like that? [ laughter ] we gotta check these things out, care--" not li-- not figuratively, but, i mean-- >> yeah, i understand. >> so, that's why no one will know, until it comes out. >> well, why would-- why would this priest isn't that a little, uh-- >> well, the truth o' the matter is, this is based on a lot of reality that goes on, downtown east l.a., and in new york. i know a priest, down there, that the cops call, when there's gonna be a gang war. i mean-- just serious, for one second, because there are kids, out there, shootin' each other, and stuff like that. >> right. >> they call this priest. say, "father--" >> to intervene. >> "will you go down there?" and he goes down and gets in the middle of 'em, and he does what has to be done, to keep people from dying. and that's his commitment-- >> right. >> to his parish.

the collar, or steps 'em back, that's what he does. >> all right. >> uh, in-- you know, religion, i don't think, any longer exists, in a very quiet place, because the world's very busy. so, father hardstep is that kinda guy. i like what i'm doin'. >> right. >> you know i wouldn't put a year and a half in, on a project-- >> i know that. >> and say, "well, this is a joke." it ain't a joke. you know? >> i know that. >> i mean, i've lived a long life, down there, in those streets, and i grew up in those streets. and, uh, that's all. but, i mean, standards and practices-- they'll survive, some way. they don't have any bullets to count, on the show. you know, i mean-- >> yeah. >> "a-" just countin' bullets. [ laughter ] i don't have any o' those. [ applause ] no offense! whaddaya say, "all in jest?" [ laughter ] >> all-all in jest. that can make a new series-- "a bullet for brandon." >> "a bullet--" [ laughing ] >> now, lemme explain. now, lemme explain. >> all in jest! >> let-- all in jest. >> all in jest. >> brandon tartikoff is the president of nbc entertainment-- >> was, yes. >> also has a great sense of humor-- >> was president at the beginning of this show. >> and knows every lawyer in town. [ laughter ]

[ laughing ] >> okay, when you... when you-- [ laughing hysterically ] >> what can he do? >> between mcdonald's, the catholic church, and brandon, i may not be back tomorrow night, either. [ laughter ] so. anyway, uh-- what was i gonna say? i know i had something. >> what were you gonna say? >> uh, have you f-- you finished this pilot, now. >> no, no, we are-- >> oh, no, no-- >> in the middle of shooting it. >> in the middle. >> they may cut the money off tomorrow, and it'll be a very short pilot! [ laughter ] >> well, i think it's gonna be a winner. >> i hope so. >> yes. and i need all the love i can get. [ laughing ] well, we all do. >> yes. >> yeah. >> amen. that's why we're in front o' the box. >> are you getting all the love you-you need? >> uh, no. i'm still on the retention program. i'm not gettin' any love. [ some laughter ] >> are you out, com-- out, comparison shopping, or what? [ laughter ] >> i don't know. i just-- >> well, you know, you meeting ladies, now? you're single. >> i just don't know how to do it, john. i mean, i-- you can't-- >> how 'bout, "hello. how are you?" [ some laughter ] >> well-- but, i mean, that's all right, that works. and then, you wind up in bed, and you say hello, goodbye, and whatever.

with the candles and that old-fashioned, square stuff. i mean, you know, i just-- i'm still lookin' for june allyson and van johnson kinda stuff. you don't know what that is, but that's from the old-- and i can't-- >> you're a romantic, at heart. >> yeah, i really am! >> yeah. >> i really am. >> once you find a girl that just like to s-- go to a candlelight dinner-- a candlelit dinner-- or l-- candleloot dinner, or-- [ laughter ] >> candlelight-- a candlelit dinner. uh. candleloot dinner? what am i talking about? and just talk about, uh-- whaddya talk about, when-- >> maybe i was just born to play this priest. i dunno. [ laughter ] >> have you thought of becoming a priest? >> i need to go out with a woman about 80 or 90 years old. [ some laughter ] and then, go to bed with her granddaughter. [ laughter ] work out just right. >> good-- that's-that's good-- that's good thinking. [ some applause ] that's good-- [ chuckling ] >> no, i mean, i-i-- just very quickly-- i got so many miles on me, from startin' when i'm two years old, that, literally-- i mean, i need old people to be with, to talk about the things that i'm talkin' about.

they ain't really been where i been and done what i done. >> why don't ya, on a weekend, go down and-and cruise sun city? [ laughter ] >> and wait for her granddaughter to come and visit. >> "hey, granny! hey! look at the car!" [ laughter ] i'm just tryna make suggestions. you know that. >> it's-- that's my problem. i find a woman that just really looks beautiful, and i'm attracted, and all, like, that stuff. and i walk up, and, in 10 minutes, we're outta conversation. >> whereas, if i could get around, you know, helen hayes, or i dunno how old-- somebody who's been where i been. >> yeah. >> not the great traveller, but how many people-- >> yeah. >> were-- i mean, i was working during the depression. i was working, durin' the depression. >> winnie ruth judd woulda been good for you. >> yeah! [ some laugher ] >> we'll take a break, and we'll be right back. >> moms mabely'd be great. >> that's right!