they ain't really been where i been and done what i done. >> why don't ya, on a weekend, go down and-and cruise sun city? [ laughter ] >> and wait for her granddaughter to come and visit. >> "hey, granny! hey! look at the car!" [ laughter ] i'm just tryna make suggestions. you know that. >> it's-- that's my problem. i find a woman that just really looks beautiful, and i'm attracted, and all, like, that stuff. and i walk up, and, in 10 minutes, we're outta conversation. >> whereas, if i could get around, you know, helen hayes, or i dunno how old-- somebody who's been where i been. >> yeah. >> not the great traveller, but how many people-- >> yeah. >> were-- i mean, i was working during the depression. i was working, durin' the depression. >> winnie ruth judd woulda been good for you. >> yeah! [ some laugher ] >> we'll take a break, and we'll be right back. >> moms mabely'd be great. >> that's right!

[ music ]

okay, thank you, doc. my next guest-- [ applause continues ] good. uh, my next guest is named, uh, louie anderson. he's a comedian. he's making his first appearance on national television. and he's gonna be opening, tomorrow night, in las vegas-- the new comedy store, at the dunes hotel. and he'll be there through sunday night. would you welcome, please, louie anderson? louie? [ music ] [ cheering and applause ] >> thank you. thank you. i'm in between meals, so bear with me. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] i was just at mcdonald's, and all those statistics just changed, so. [ laughter ] [ applause ] i went shopping, today. what's this "one size fits all" stuff?

bein' in california, bein' fat. tryin' to get into this california life. went to the beach, the other day. every time i'd lay down, people would push me back into the water. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] "hurry up. he's dying!" [ laughter ] and the bums, down at the beach! always comin' up to ya, those guys. "hey, buddy. could ya help me out "well, sure. where is it?" [ laughter ] of course, what brought me to california was the olympics. i was, uh-- tried every event, for the olympics. try that pole vault? i drove that sucker right into the ground. [ laughter ] i did a good thing, though. i straightened out those uneven parallel bars. [ laughter ]

broad jump? killed 'er. [ laughter ] [ cheering ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] oh. sorry i'm sweating, but, if i don't, i'll explode. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] my favorite thing is when you go over to someone's house, and you're fat. they-they overcompensate. "oh, come on in, louie, and sit down here, on this concrete sofa. [ laughter ] or the reinforced steel lawn furniture." [ laughter ] you know what i do? head right for that wicker. [ laughter ] [ applause ]

oh, boy. people say, "louie, why you do those fat jokes?" 'cause, if i didn't, you guys would sit out there and go, "you think he knows he's that big?" [ laughter ] like i woke up, one morning-- "oh, no. [ laughter ] honey, get in here." [ laughter ] i am from minnesota. any minnesotans here? [ applause ] [ cheering ] could i get a ride home with ya? [ laughter ] "oh, where would we pum? i love minnesota. we go back, every year. it's a great outdoor state. do a lot of camping. 'course, when i go camping, the bears put their food up in the trees. [ laughter ] i had a ve-- i had that very strict, midwestern upbringing-- a very strict father. the kinda guy who hates everybody. you know, my dad-- we'd be in the family car, driving down the street. he'd spot somebody, walkin' down the street that was a little different?

[ laughter ] "look at that. for cryin' out loud. [ laughter ] get my rifle." [ laughter ] or he would-- he would say things that made no sense to ya, when you were a kid. he'd be drivin'. the traffic'd get rough. "ya know, if i was the last person on earth, some moron would turn left, in front o' me." [ laughter ] [ some applaus and when he'd say that, too-- "if i was the last person--" you'd always turn to your brother and go, "wish he was, don't you?" [ laughter ] my dad-- "i heard that, damn it! you kids wanna walk home, from here?" "well, yeah, it's only a block." "don't get smart, with me! or i'll drive ya 10 damn miles and drop ya off. [ laughter ] that's how far i had to walk to school, every damn day." [ laughter ] [ applause ] and--

"and ya didn't have any shoes, either, did ya, dad?" [ laughter ] [ some applause ] i don't want ya to get the wrong impression of my father. he never hit us. carried a gun. [ laughter ] well, he never shot it. he'd just go-- [ making gun cocking noise ] very effective. i'll tell ya. [ laughter ] i loved hassling my parents. i had a younger brother, of course. that's the easiest way. 'cause you don't have to hit them, or anything. you just get up in the morning, and go down to breakfast. you look across the table. you do this. you do that, you'll hear this, every time. "mom... louie's looking at me, again!" [ laughter ] and you love that, 'cause you go, "oh, is it against the law to look at people? [ some laughter ] look it, mom. does this bother you?" [ laughter ] you keep it up, all of a sudden, you hear-- [ making gun cocking noise ] [ laughter ] "is he home, today?" [ laughter ] [ applause ]

>> that's a funny young kid. louie, come out here, and take another bow. [ cheering and applause ] [ applause continues ] louie anderson.

[ music ] [ cheering and applause ] we are back. selma diamond is here, tonight. uh. selma diamond is one of the, uh, few ladies i know who writes comedy. she's also a very, uh, skilled comedy actress, and she can be seen in

and lily tomlin, and also nbc's comedy series "night court," which is on thursdays, at 9:30. [ applause ] would you welcome selma diamond? [ music ] [ cheering and applause ] >> how are you? hi. >> how are ya, selma? >> oh, i'm makin' it. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> i do the best i can, >> and that's, uh-- >> you been around comedy a lotta years. isn't it nice to see some young person, like-- i know you saw the young man, just out here. >> oh, yes. he's very good. >> come out, and, for the first national appearance, get that kinda reaction? >> yeah. except that he has an advantage-- he's fat. [ some laughter ] for some rea-- i'm sorry. [ laughter ] [ cheering and applause ] what i mean-- what i mean-- no, let-let me explain that. we, unfortunately,

where, when people look at you, they see fat, they see black, they see old-- >> right. >> we s-seem to have lost a personal identity. >> right. >> i mean that! and i resent it. i actually resent it. of course, when we look at you, you're cute. >> i-- see? right away. >> yeah. >> but isn't that-- no. isn't that true? [ some laughter ] >> how old are ya? [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] >> thirty-nine. when benny died, he left me the 39. >> his age? [ laughing ] >> he did. >> ah, good to see ya. >> oh, i'm glad to see you, too. >> been a few years. >> you've been having an exciting life. >> isn't it, though? it's just, uh, a laugh a day. >> yeah. >> yeah. [ laughter ] how you been? >> i been pretty good. i been goin' from one career to another. you know, working. >> yeah. >> uh, it's fun. i like it. >> your voice hasn't changed. i remember, when i first

>> yes? >> fred allen-- fred allen once wrote a wonderful line, and it reminded me, tonight, when i heard you, again. said, "had a voice that sounded like the mating call of two pieces of chalk on a blackboard." [ laughter ] >> you know, so far, he's asked me how old i am-- [ chuckling ] >> and you made a crack about my voice. nothing is happening, here. [ laughter ] but go ahead. it's your show. [ laughter ] >> "so, go ahead. what's to lose?" >> yeah. >> "what's to lose?" no. this is supposed to be the cheery holiday season. you get depressed, when holidays come along? >> no. >> lotta people go into a-a blue funk. >> no. i don't believe in that. >> yeah? >> i don't get depressed about anything. because, uh-- and i mean this-- when you're depressed, nobody cares. so, uh, i-i'm cheerful. like now. oh... [ laughter ] >> you mean you're on a high, now? [ laughter ] >> this is it.

[ laughing ] >> that's gotta be-- >> no. i don't go down, abs-- >> you know, you-- you know, you're right, about being depressed? everybody's got their own problems. >> absolutely. >> soon as you say, "i feel lousy," they say, "i don't care." >> oh, they-- i'll tell ya another thing. there were times, in new york-- you know, it's a cold day. you walk along the street, and you bump into somebody, and they say, "how are you?" and i say, "i'm freezing to death." and they say, "gee, that's great." nobody listens! >> yeah. >> people don't listen, anymore. >> they just wanna make some kinda contact. >> yeah. >> how are you enjoying "night court?" >> i-i-i like it-- >> a loteo >> yeah. [ cheering and applause ] >> except-- a strange thing. i walk along the street, and people come over and say, "i love you, on 'people's court.'" [ some laughter ] now, do i look like judge wapner, usually? [ laughter ] right? >> wapner. >> but they get the-- it mixed up. >> yeah. >> and ours is a c-- not that his show isn't funny. ya know. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> but ours is-- >> some o' the cases are pretty funny. >> yes.

>> yeah. >> yeah. and we got cute, fresh people, on it. >> yeah. >> that harry anderson, who is a magi-- >> yeah, he was funny, in that. >> you're a magician. >> i did magic, for many years. >> yeah. well, he, uh-- >> he's very clever-- harry anderson. >> oh, he's darling. >> very clever, and funny. >> also, he's a nice person. >> yeah. >> i'm glad to say i don't think he's gonna become, ya know, one of these stars who is in business for themselves. >> yeah. >> he's not. i consider him my leader. i really do. >> that's nice for you to say. >> i like him. i like his wife, i like his kid. >> are most of your friends in the entertainment buss? >> really? >> the-- i'll tell ya some-- >> why, do you find people in the entertainment business too-- >> not everybody. >> yeah. >> but i find that the women that are actresses-- i always have to wait for them. it seems, when you're an actress, you can't go out, unless your hair is done, and you've got makeup on. now, i'm ready, all the ti-- i'm on-- i've only done this, for your show. i can't wait to get home and wash my face. >> i see. [ laughter ]

you have to wait for them. >> yeah. too much ego. too much self-, uh-- >> no. >> perception? >> i think that-- well, that's the-- they're protecting their image. >> yeah. >> now, i know-- i walk around, like i did when i was a writer-- a slob. >> yeah. >> ya know. [ laughter ] but i know-- it doesn't bother me. >> yeah. >> what do i c-- i've made my impression on the public. >> yeah. >> this is it, fellas. >> how 'bout male-- how 'bout male friends? >> yeah. >> most out of the business? >> some are, and some aren't. >> yeah. >> i have no trouble-- you have trouble with women. i don't have trouble with men. i mean, i-- there are plenty of neurotic contemporaries of mine still around. >> right. >> that's what i am. i'm a neurotic contemporary. that's why i have trouble with women. >> yeah, well, that's what i enjoy. >> oh, yeah? how old are ya? [ laughter ] >> thirty-nine. >> thirty-nine. >> i'll tell ya, because, first of all, i have no patience with anybody born after world war ii. i'm not gonna start explaining that. [ laughter ] >> you don't want--

>> oh, gee. do you know-- [ laughing ] >> and-and the-- >> that's your cutoff point, huh? >> oh, that's it. [ laughing ] >> you know-- because you have to explain everything, see? now, i have many women friends who enjoy that. >> yeah. >> ya know, that young stuff. [ laughter ] they don't know anything! they really don't know anything. >> i said to somebody, ya know, uh-- [ stammering ] i saw the patton story, the other night. ga-- uh, g-george patton. and they said, "who's george patton?" >> isn't that scary? >> and you go onto e is now, uh, singing." "who-who's eddie fisher?" >> that's right. >> and you say-- "mickey mouse? does that ring a bell?" [ laughter ] and they go, "oh. mickey mouse." >> but i'll tell you what it is. the young people-- and i don't care if you all get mad at me. the way you all voted, i'm not too thrilled, with the way you went. [ laughter ] but-- [ applause ] they're not thinking. they-they are a-- only

worry about what happened before and the effects it's having now. and i mean this honestly. >> yeah. i think you're right. >> they're now people, which means nothing is-- you know, they know who bruce is. what about tommy dorsey? >> amen. >> right? >> okay. all right, we shall return, in just a moment.

[ music ] [ cheering and applause ] we just have a few seconds. you wereon >> anytime. >> i'll have some world war ii people, afterwards? >> good. [ laughter ] >> thank you. [ cheering and applause ] [ music ]

it's hokey. it's funny. it is not. guys, maybe you can settle something. now that alex and i are living together we want to change the message on her answering machine. now, alex wants the standard "we're not in..." yada-yada, "beep," right? okay, i think that i've come up with something t has a... little more personality. okay, ready? i really don't want to do this. okay. avast there, mateys. this is cap'n brian... and this is damsel alex. we're not aboard the jolly roger right now but leave a message or we'll make you walk the plank. ar, ar, ar. ar, ar, ar.

can you guys put that on my machine? correction: that is the most moronic thing i've ever heard. excuse me. i'm looking for a woman with silky blonde hair alabaster skin, and eyes a man can get lost in. r? i used to be her. but i guess you want helen chappel. she runs the lunch counter here. thank you. hi. hi. here's your french toast and your eggs. hi. hi. okay, what can i get you? nothing.

uh, do i know you? i'm mark, your waiter from the crabhouse. you were there a few months ago. i served you. crabs. oh, yeah. right. i just came by to say hi. hi. hi. close your eyes, and you'd swear you were at the algonquin round table. oh, my god. look at that woman. that's roy's ex-wife. hold it, hold it. somebody actually married roy? hey there, roy, over at your counter

oh, my god, it is sylvia. hackett, don't let her see me. the last time we were together, she sicced her rottweiler on me. fay: that's your ex-wife? she's so elegant and refined and attractive and, uh... is it so hard to believe she was married to me? yeah. what did she do, lose a bet? hey, what's going on? it's roy's ex-wife. can you believe it? sure. why not? thanks, chappel. that's exactly the way i pictured her-- all the way down to that tacky fur coat. not her, the blonde. no way! why don't you go over and talk to her, roy? oh, what the hell. how do i look? well...

this is going to be great. she's going to tear him up. sylvia. hello, roy. hi. what are you doing on nantucket? i wanted to get away from boston for a few days and palm beach this time of year is silly with eurotrash. you must have forgotten that i live here, huh? not at all. in fact, i was hoping to run into you. what are we looking at? that blond over there roy's talking to-- that's his ex-wife, sylvia. no way. she's so... attractive. she ought to be. she married a hotshot plastic surgeon. yeah, when she was married to roy she probably looked like myra

i dated myra for 3? years. uh, and a lovely woman she is. who... who are you? i'm mark, helen's waiter from the crabhouse. i served her. crabs. oh. what are we looking at? helen: roy's ex-wife, sylvia. no way. here they come. act normal. you, you're on your own. see you guys later. we're going to lunch. aren't you at least going to introduce us? where are my manners?

sylvia these are all the losers i work with. charmed. i could watch you scrape the gunk off that griddle all day. thank you. joe, you got to help me. that kid's been staring at me for hours. what do you want me to do? tell him to take a hike. tell him to beat it. kick his weirdo butt out of here. helen, i'm not going to break his heart. who can blame him? you got the kind of spatulas that drive men wild. is roy back yet? no.

is very strange. what are you talking about? i mean sylvia showing up all of a sudden being real nice to roy, inviting him to lunch. big deal. they were married. i agree with brian. it's very strange. who are you again? don't you remember? he's helen's crab boy. hello. hello, joe. hi, alex. what are you so happy about? yeah, sylvia pick up the check? better. she wants me back. let's face it once you've been with roy biggins you never want to be with another man.

roy, what would make you think sylvia wants you back? she asked me to have dinner with her tonight in her hotel room. ( chortling ) smart lady. no witnesses. ( chortling ) i knew she'd come back eventually. if you'll excuse me i've got to get ready for the big night. oh, that's right. you're about to romance a woman. you'll want to shower, shave, buy chloroform. okay, make all the jokes you want but the important thing here is my sylvia is coming back. did i hear roy say that sylvia wants him back? i don't mean to be rude, but... why? i've seen her house. she's way too classy for roy. she's got a mansion, a butler those heart-shaped soaps in her bathroom

for little white chocolates. brian does have a point. what could roy possibly have that her husband doesn't? well, he does have that cool chair in his office that's shaped like a big hand. well, who's to say what attracts one person to another? you see two people and think, "how did they get together?" yeah, look at lyle lovett and julia roberts. i know. what the hell does he see in her? i think the mark of a good couple is if you can picture them in bed and it brings a smile to your face. for instance, fred and ethel mertz. so, would that be a good couple or a bad couple? i always thought it was good for fred, bad for ethel.

hang on. charlie and maria callas. lowell... charlie callas is a zany nightclub comic. maria callas was a world-renowned opera star. the two have absolutely nothing in common. uh-huh. proves my point. helen, what do you find attractive in a man? a harvard education. class of '89. all right, all right, let's just... for the sake of argument, let's assume that sylvia once was attracted to roy. why in the hell would she make the same mistake twice? there's one possibility we haven't considered. maybe we're selling roy short. maybe there's a side of him

romantic, charming, sensitive... roy: coming through. coming through. time to take the little lady to headboard heaven. ( phone ringing ) aeromass. really? really? really? okay. thanks for calling. cool. yes! what are you so happy about? some guy told me bunny was coming to nantucket to sleep with me because she caught him in bed with the secretary. somebody just called you on roy's phone to tell you that bunny's coming to sleep with you? yeah.

well, no, but he said my ex-wife and, you know, how many ex-wives do i have? i knew, i knew there had to be a reason. lowell, lowell, don't you get it? that was obviously sylvia's husband on the phone. he must have had an affair. that's why she came here to get even with him by sleeping with roy. yeah. hello! i don't even know him.

oh, syl, i still can't believe we're here together. neither can i. sort of reminds me of where we spent our wedding night. oh, yeah. whatever happened to that car? ( laughing )

you want some more champagne? please. don't drink too much or you won't remember a thing. syl... well... why don't i just go change? ch-ch-change? as-- as into something more comfortable? yeah. you want me here when you come back? that's the point. oh, syl... don't be long. oh, you... you are a stud. ( knocking ) ( humming ) hi, roy. i got to talk to you. it's very important. i don't know what you're doing here, but it can wait. roy, roy, it cannot wait. it can't wait. listen to me.

but she's using you. not yet, but she's about to. roy, i'm telling you, her husband called. she's here to get even with him for having an affair. right. and you expect me to believe that you, of all people came racing all the way here just to help me. why would you do that? because one friend sees another friend in trouble... that doesn't fly? no. yesterday, if you told me to help you i would have said you were crazy but when one guy sees another is about to get dumped on he wants to help him out even if that guy is you. wait a minute here, hackett. you are serious. yeah, i'm serious. what you're saying is that sylvia doesn't care about me. i don't mean anything to her. that she just wants to get me into bed

exactly. i can live with that. wow, syl! you look great! that looks like the kind of lingerie i used to buy you. no, it doesn't. the kind you used to buy me lit up. well... let's have a night... we'll never forget. i am ready. you know, syl i've dreamt about this night... sylvia? you're wearing a mask. it's a sleep mask. we're about to make love. oh, well, it's a fantasy. i'll be cat woman. you be... quick.

what? oh. ( speaking in monotone: ) this is the moment i've been dreaming of for years. i need you. i want you. try not to touch the hair. anything else? can you turn off the light? you're wearing a mask. yes, but i can see a little something out the sides. how's that? no. i'm still getting something. it's the moon! for god's sake. this. why on earth not? i'm not in the mood. you? you found out, didn't you? your husband called to warn me. damn it. how could you do that? i'm sorry. when i found out about him and his secretary all i could think about was getting even by sleeping with the first guy i could find. i knew that would hurt him. why did you pick me?

you could have just told your husband that we slept together. you could have lied. no. he knows me too well. i can't fake things with him the way i could with you. thanks a lot. oh, i'm sorry, roy. i was trying to hurt him, not you. come on. what do you say? can you help me out for old times' sake? oh, what the hell. what's one more roll in the hay, huh? really? naw! i'm such a tease. helen, i've been thinking about your little problem with mark, your crab boy. it reminds me of the way we stewardesses used to deal with amorous passengers.

you just walk by smile sweetly, then when no one's looking give them a quick rap on the nose with one of those tiny liquor bottles. well, actually, fay, i don't have a problem anymore. i explained to mark that i'm not the only woman in the world and that he should find someone better suited for him. wow, alex, that was the most exciting helicopter ride i ever took. so how did you learn to fly? just get away from me and stop with the bug eyes. thanks a lot, helen. hey, hackett. no. don't say a word. i had no business showing up at that hotel. no, listen, hackett... please. spare me. spare me the grisly details. i didn't do anything. what? oh, she was there for the taking

really? she..? you? well, i... you did the right thing. why would you want to be with a woman who treats you that way? i don't know. maybe it's i thought things could go back to being the way they were when we were first married. we'd walk down the street. every guy would look at her. you know what they thought? how a guy like you got that woman? exactly. and i loved it. they envied me, hackett. when she came back yesterday i saw the way you guys were looking at her in the terminal. i got that feeling again. till i found out she was only here to use me to prove a point to her husband. sylvia and i are never, ever going to get back together again. it's been 20 years.

i always had a glimmer of hope. i didn't say it was a big glimmer but it was definitely there till last night. suddenly it seemed so wrong to go through with it just for a cheap thrill. oh, who said that? oh, why am i being so stupid? what is wrong with me? well, it sounds like you might have experienced a moment of human dignity. damn, i was afraid of that. hackett, i wanted her but i heard this little voice saying, "don't do it." it's your conscience. oh, no. no! oh, this can't be happening. i'm losing my edge here, hackett. hey, thanks for the ride. did i give you the impression it was free? listen, joe um, roy just was telling me about last night with sylvia. great. no, no, listen.

well, if i don't tell him, you probably will. i was an animal. i got her so hot sprinklers went off. we went on for hours. i was so good i screamed out my own name. i was.... i've heard enough. wait a minute. come on, now. you haven't heard the details. what was that? what happened to human dignity? what happened to conscience? i know.

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scarpacci what is the matter with you? you're as white as a ghost. i almost had a head-on collision. in fact, i'm... i'm still a little shaken. oh, that's terrible. say, uh... do you have two tens for a twenty? huh? oh, yeah, yeah, sure, sure. i was, uh... i was right near the post office. this truck, it just swerved into my lane. my god! you could have been killed. uh... my-my change? oh. sorry. sorry. anyway at the last second i just turned out of the way. we missed each other by this much. i thought i was going to die. you poor guy.

my-my-my change, remember? oh. i am sorry, roy. where... where is my head? well, i'm... i'm feeling a little better. hey, thanks for listening. hey, what are friends for? hey... scarpacci... drive carefully. i know they're your friends but i cannot spend another evening with bob and sally krandle. i know. he was such a nice guy in high school. who knew he'd grow up to be so obsessed with elvis. and that wife of his naming their apartment graceland. yeah, you're right. they're awful people. i'll cancel. all right, everybody, listen up.

for one very lucky person. nobody wants to be the safety warden. i won't get stuck doing it for another year. i'm officially turning in my hat, vest, and whistle. roy, you should do it. okay, but do you really want me to be in charge of whether you all live or die? good point. antonio, how about you? no. i would love to, but you should know i come from a long line of cowards. my great uncle bruno was on the titanic and two seconds after it hit the iceberg he was seen running for the lifeboats in high heels and a cocktail dress. you must be very proud of him. brian you seem to be volunteering everybody else. how about you? oh, me? no. i would like to do it. i really would like to do it, but i got this thing. i got this post-nasal thing. if i were to blow a whistle, someone could get hurt.

( gasping ) oh, lowell! we've all been talking, and we've decided that you, more than anyone else, are the perfect person to be the new safety warden. me?! are you kidding? i don't believe it. after all these years of hoping and dreaming and finally... finally, i achieve the unattainable hard hat and orange vest. wow! ks. don't forget the whistle. the whistle too?! listen, i promise to do a great job. i can certainly do a better job than whoever was last year's incompetent, slack-ass safety warden. that would be me. well, i know you're hurting right now, fay. just let it go.

helen, what a beautiful outfit. i'm going to new york this weekend to see davis and i pulled out all the stops. chappel, that outfit looks terrific. the fabric, the lines... looks like it was made for you. want to get your hand off my butt, roy? it was worth a shot. afternoon, everyone. wow! oh, helen. let me look at you. you look terrific. thank you. i bought it for my trip to new york. you'll waste this outfit on lynch? you never dressed like this when we were dating. joe, davis is taking me to the rainbow room. when we dated, you took me to yankee doodle donuts. yeah, i still remember ordering for you: "the lady will have bin #3." listen, you're not the only person that has plans for tonight.

joe i'm glad i caught you. hi, sandra. how are you? fine, fine. is it okay if we postpone our date till 8:30? i have to work late. tonight? uh... yeah, 8:30 is fine but, look, if tonight isn't good we can do it some other time. i've been looking forward to this all week. great. i'll see you later. oh, well, well, well. sandra and joy. this is not a problem. no problem at all. just a minor scheduling conflict. happens all the time. screwed, aren't you? yeah, big time. i can't believe what i just did. got roped into being safety warden did you? just do what i did when i had the job. you were safety warden? see? it's not that.

joy, the flight attendant from united? yes. well, i finally got a date with her for tonight and i completely forgot that i made a date with sandra. wait. you've got a date with joy? joy, the one with the incredibly tight, little butt? that's not the point, joe. those f.a.a. reports have to be signed regularly... you thought i was alex, didn't you? oh, no, i was just telling... i was just... save it. brian, with every passing year this little routine of yours gets less and less cute. what you doing? i got to call joy and cancel. i did make the date with sandra first. can i say something? please, do not take offense. go ahead. okay. you disgust me. you could always make a date with sandra. just make up a little excuse.

your aunt died. if all else fails, there's the ever-popular "i lost my hand in a freak combine accident. can i see you tomorrow?" that is the difference between us. i'm not the kind of guy that would dump sandra just to go out with the most beautiful girl i've... what was that second excuse? dead aunt. yeah, i think i can sell that. ( blowing whistle ) ty inspection. everybody, freeze. not right now, lowell. that's a nice vest. thanks. all right, everything seems to be in order. wait a second. what's this? oh, that's a... joe, the box is ticking. this could be a bomb! or...