donna. fred. ah, come on in. i'm in. uh, stay in. ah, candles and wine glasses. isn't that nice? yeah. hello, lamont. uh, afraid he didn't hear you. oh. hello, lamont! i think he's out of earshot. oh. where is he? outside. in the back? no. where? tijuana. tijuana? yeah. that's in mexico. what's he doing in mexico? uh... oh! [laughs] he, uh--him-- him and julio went down on a little short vacation. oh. when did they decide to do that?

when? last month. so you called me up last night and invited me to have dinner with you and lamont, knowing lamont wouldn't be here. mm. right or wrong? well, as-- it could be right, it could be wrong. for me to know and for you to find out. i'm right. you found out. pour the wine. uh, let's have a little kiss first. oh, but, um, wouldn't you prefer the taste-- wouldn't you prefer the taste of wine on my lips? well, i--i like to try it both ways. see, i--i--i'm a comparison kisser. oh! [knocking on door] fred, fred, the door. fr--fred, the door. i--i'd rather kiss you. no, no, some-- [knocking on door] someone's knocking on it. it--it's all right. they're knocking from the other side.

uh, uh, shut up, door. [knocking on door] fred. who is it? esther: it's esther. esther who? you know esther who. open this door, fool. i can't--i can't open the door. why not? you too ugly. donna: fred. well, hello there. esther. when lamont's away, the rat will play. listen, what do you want, anyway? get out. i want to discuss something with you.

and i want to discuss it alone. well, uh, listen, donna, you and i go in the kitchen and let her discuss it alone. fred. if you'd both excuse me for a moment. your niece is in town. what niece? what niece? your only niece, and she's here to go to college at usc. and she's staying with me right now. well, that's good. i agree, and you can leave. she's supposed to get her own apartment, but it's not ready yet, and she needed a place to stay for a few nights. so you're asking me can she stay here? of course not. i'm telling you. and she's staying here. well, she won't like it here, sleeping on the couch. she don't have to sleep on the couch. lamont's away. she can use his room. yeah, but he's coming back. see, that's why i got the table all set there, cause he cut his vacation short

i--hark? i can hear the truck now. that's him. donna: fred. esther, lamont's not on his way back now. why did you have to say that? now, fred, you can't turn the poor child out in the cold. she needs a place to stay. well, she's related to her, ain't she? well, that automatically gives her one night free lodging with the dog catcher. i'll be back within a half an hour. straighten up the kitchen, and straighten up the bathroom, and straighten up. come on, honey. we ain't got but a half-hour. well, fred, you-- you'd better put the food out. i'm not hungry. but the food. the food is rotten and the time is ripe. why, fred, i don't know what you're talking about.

well, give me one amour, and owe me one. fred, fred, we'll have a quick dinner, and then i'll help you straighten up the things here, ok? i should've never opened that door. oh, but you had to. no, i didn't. there should be a law against esther being on the streets. fred, don't-- don't be silly. there is a law against her walking on the sidewalk. have you see them signs say "curb your dog"? yes, it's, uh, it's an exclusive hotel. it's the, uh, pancho villa. yeah, very exclusive. it's, uh, right--right up, uh-- right upstairs over an esso station. that's right. in the alley behind the bullring. uh-huh. lamont sanford. senor lamont sanford. uh, that's right. thank you.

hello, lamont? that you, sir? listen--listen, son. you having a lot of fun? you are, huh? well, come on home. yeah, i think it's the big one. yeah, son. yeah, i can--i can feel it. my--my heart ain't beating like it should. instead of going "bump, bump, bump," it's going "bumpity, thumpity, wumpity." no, i swear, son. listen. you have to believe me. listen to it. heart and listen. did you hear it, son? yeah. son, hurry up here. [knocking on door] rush. bye. esther: open this door, fred sanford. hold your horses. [knocking on door] i said hold your horses. what is--

hello, uncle fred. elizabeth. i'm named after aunt elizabeth. you know, she died the year before i was born. y-you're the spitting image of elizabeth. that's what my daddy says. [kiss] thanks so much for letting me stay here with you. you--you even smell like elizabeth. go get her bags and stop smelling her.

ooh, what is that i smell smelling so good? oh, that's bean sauce for the spaghetti. uncle fred, we're having spaghetti for breakfast? no, honey. for dinner.

oh, well, uh, uncle fred, i can't eat here tonight. see, i'm meeting my roommates for dinner. well, why can't you meet them after dinner? oh, um, ahem, because, uh, we have so many things to arrange and talk about and everything. well, well, then, why don't you do this? why don't you invite them over here? and since i'm like your father here in los angeles, it'll be a pleasure for me to meet your friends. uh, it'll be too much trouble. really. no, no. i'll just make more sauce. no, that's too much work. no, i can handle it. [sighs] you may not be comfortable with my roommates. [truck pulling up outside] uh-oh. that's trouble. uh--uh--who is it? it's trouble from tijuana. pop! hello--hello, son. what--what--what are you doing here? what am i doing here? you're the one that called me, remember? but--but-- but i'm ok now.

go back to tijuana? i drove here as fast as i could because you said you were sick. well-- and by the way, who is this young lady? i'm your cousin elizabeth. oh, hi. you're here to go to usc, aren't you? right. and lamont, thanks a lot for letting me use your room. that's ok. then i'll take the couch. no, it's all right. you stay in the room and i'll sleep on the couch. no problem. well, listen, son, why don't you go on and wash up and i'll put another cup of water on the stuff? oh, we having spaghetti? yeah. see, elizabeth's friends are coming over for dinner, and, uh, i want everything right. uncle fred, about dinner, i'm not sure. hey, lamont. tell her what a good cook i am. uh, uh, lamont. huh? tell her. uh, when it comes to his sauce, the more water, the better. yeah, so that-- that settles it. uh, your friends here for dinner at 6.

this is going to be a very interesting dinner. yeah, well, it always is when my pop is cooking. hey, you know, you look a little like my mom. you know, that's what he said. you're very lucky to have him as a father. think so? oh, sure. as a matter of fact, he's been a little more to you than a father, hasn't he? more like a--a father and a mother. and a few other things. uncle fred? fred: be right down, kitten. bring your roomies in. oh, ok. come on, roomies. hey, you really sure this uncle ain't going to get crazy when you tell him i'm one of your roomies? oh, i'm pretty sure. see, he's not at all like aunt esther. see, he's very modern and witty and up-to-date. yeah, i can tell that by the way he furnished this place. man: shh. good evening.

oh, what did we do wrong? elizabeth: delores. sorry i'm late. that's ok. we just got here ourselves. uncle fred, lamont, i want you-- i want you to meet lewis and delores. hi, lew, delores. yeah. available delores. uh, uh, hello there, delores. uh, your place is fascinating. uh, thank you very much. i--i did it my way. no decorator, huh? no, i admit, though, i took a few ideas from "home and garbage"-- i mean, "house and garden." say, and uh, listen, you're lewis. yes, i know. well, lewis, uh, welcome to elizabeth's home away from home. uh, you and lewis married?

he's the boyfriend, huh? lewis: no, mr. sanford. hey, pop, freeze on the third degree, man. no, this is just social conversation. see, it's like, uh, uh, breaking the ice. chittin' and chattin. ah. is, uh, elizabeth your girlfriend? no, sir. i know. he's just a boyfriend. is that it? well, that's right, but-- yeah, that's all right to have a boyfriend or girlfriend. even, you know... that's today. that's today, and i try to stay with today's views. mean? uh, now, where's your other roommate? lewis is our other roommate. you mean, uh, lewis is your other roommate? uh, this lewis? yeah, that's right, pops. that's today. that might be today,

i thought you just said you had today's views. today's views is yesterday's news. oh, no, no, no, no, mr. sanford. there's nothing between elizabeth and me. that's what i'm worried about. ain't nothing between you. i wouldn't mind if something was between you, like a wall or a state. mr. sanford, i'm surprised at you. maybe my father will feel better if he understood the relationship the 3 of y'all. i know i would. uncle fred, uncle fred, look. delores and lewis and i are equal friends. now, what does that mean? that means i wouldn't do nothing with lewis that i couldn't do with delores. i mean, we'll be-- we'll be taking our meals together and we'll be studying together. that's right, and lewis is very handy. he can fix things around the apartment and stuff. but when it comes to anything else, he's got his dates and i got mine. yeah, and i got mine,

heh. yeah, right. [knocking on door] who is it? esther: it's esther. we moved. open up. open up? we living in detroit now. catch the bus and join us. say, look, um, if i were you, i wouldn't tell aunt esther that the 3 of y'all are living together, ok? [knocking on door] oh, hey, i'll get it. aunt esther. hi, honey. hello, lamont. how was mexico? it--it was fine, aunt esther, but i had to cut my--my visit short. yeah, esther. why don't you do the same thing? uh, aunt esther, this is delores marcum. hiya. how do you do? it's a pleasure to meet a friend of my niece. and who is this?

i thought you said you had two roommates, elizabeth. oh, wait a minute, no, esther. she didn't say she had two roommates. she said she had to roommate. what you talking about? well, you know, high as stuff is now, a single girl can't afford to live alone. she got to roommate. so, uh, delores here is the girl that elizabeth picked to roommate with. do you have a nice room, elizabeth? oh, it's very nice, aunt esther. as a matter of fact, it'll be ready tomorrow. i'm coming over and help you decorate tomorrow. you are? yes. what's your address? uh, aunt esther, how about something to eat? uh, yeah, esther. why don't you go out there in the yard and graze? hey, pop, i just got the stuff loaded on the truck now. hey, man, what's the matter with you?

she ain't even gone but one day and the place seems empty without her already. yeah, but she's only living 10 minutes away. you can visit her whenever you want to. i know that, but it just don't seem the same without her. you know, it was like having a daughter. she reminded you of mom, didn't she? you know, pop, in your own way, you're kind of sweet and sentimental. you know what she said? she said i was cute and cuddly. that's nice. why--why didn't you never say i was cute and cuddly? i'll get it. [ringing] hello? uh, hi, aunt esther. sure. uh, no, i can't today. i'm using the truck. hey, pop, aunt esther wants to go over and visit elizabeth. give me the phone. uh, hold on, aunt esther. uh, listen, esther, uh, listen. it's wrong to just drop in on people. it--you know, the girl ain't got no phone yet. you just can't make them old popcorn calls. yeah, just--just don't bother about it.

like, uh, uh, 3:30 in the afternoon in the year 2001. hey, listen, you guys. i'm going to take a shower. i'll be right out. when's the landlord going to fix this door? not till this afternoon. shower curtain is up, though. oh, good. you know, we were really lucky to get her as a roommate so fast. after lewis' mother said that he couldn't stay here with us, i thought we were going to lose this apartment. come in. is she here yet? hi, uncle fred. who? your aunt esther. the hunchface of notre dame. no. what's the matter? well, what she said, she was coming over. well, so what? i mean, why are you so excited? uh, where--where's your other roommate? in the shower. huh? you mean he's in there taking a shower with the door off? uh, uncle fred, maybe i should try and explain.

uh, esther. what are you doing here? uh, i came over here because my shower is broke and--and i came over here to take a shower. ...uncle fred, wait! you dripping all over the rug. i got some more things downstairs. you want to go and get them? i can't believe it. i'll get it. no, it's too heavy. i'll get it. here, dry your head, fool. [door closes] it's amazing. i can't believe it. well, i tried to tell you. i'm sorry. i was a fool. what are you talking about? i mean, the way i acted yesterday

make you a fool? you know, all this time, i could've sworn that lewis in there was a fella. attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ... what kind of care is best for your current situation? have there been changes in your health or medications?

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call now. call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. hey, pop. i was just coming home and i saw your clothes hanging up on the line, man. how did they get wet? well, son, if i-- if i told you how they got wet, you wouldn't believe me. why wouldn't i believe you? well, you wouldn't, because if i told you how i got wet trying to keep somebody from being embarrassed, you'd say i was lying. no, i wouldn't. yes, you would.

you'd--you'd laugh at me. no, i wouldn't. now, tell me what happened. well, here's what happened. i was crossing the los angeles river over here, you know, and, uh, just about halfway across, i looked over into the water and there was aunt esther, struggling in the water. [laughs] and--and she was going under for the fifth or sixth time, so that's when i made my mind up. i jumped into the water and tried to throw as many fish up on the land as i could to see aunt esther's face. [both laughing] i swear that's what happened. how did your clothes get wet? well, i was down in long beach,

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