captioning made possible by sony pictures television

hey, lamont. wow, man. listen up, man. i tell you, man. i got trouble. mr. sanford, i got trouble, man, and you are the only one that can help me. i'm the only one that can help you? that's right. well, you're in bad trouble.

you know i got 2 sisters, right? yeah. well, i forgot that my oldest sister's allergic to goats, man. she can't stay in the same house with chico. oh, wow. that's a drag. yeah, man. not only is the house filled with the goat running all over the place, man, but there's goat hairs all over, man. oh. yeah. so my poor sister, man. last night she couldn't sleep for one second, man. she's exhausted. so i was wondering, man-- i mean, you know, maybe-- well, i mean, i-- you know, i know you ain't got much room, but you think maybe just for one night, you know, so my sister and her little boy could sleep? hey, man, we got plenty of room. we don't. no, we don't. all our rooms are filled. what? all our rooms are filled. with what? air. i'm airin' 'em out. and, julio, i'd appreciate it very much if you would leave 'cause you're standing in the spot where some fresh air ought to be. aw, man. hey, julio, my home is your home, brother. oh, thanks, lamont. that's great, man. listen, i'm gonna be right back. it's only gonna be for one day. thank you, man.

something. i'm only gonna tell you this one time and one time only. i don't want any puerto ricans living in my house. i understand that, pop, but see-- i don't want any puerto ricans living in this house. i understand that, pop, but see, julio-- i don't want any puerto ricans living here in this house. i know that, pop. [yelling] i don't want any puerto ricans living in this house! not one. look, man-- i promised julio i would help him, man, and we are. we're gonna help him. well, here he is, lamont. oh, goodness. get this killer out of here. where should i put him? you mean to tell me you wanna leave the goat here? well, yeah. just overnight

it? well, i thought-- i'll tell you. we're gonna bury him. i don't want no goats and no puerto ricans living in this house. would you wait a minute? wait a minute! julio, take the goat back to your house. i knew i could count on you, son. and bring your family here. up to zero. aw, thank you, lamont. thank you, mr. sanford. [speaking spanish] thank you, man. that's great. oh...oh... what's the matter with you? oh, it's all right, son. no. come on. tell me what's wrong? no, i--i don't want to bother you with this, son. really. i--i got a rare disease, son. the creepin' cucarachas. yeah, really. see, it's a lot of blotches, but you can't see 'em 'cause they're under my skin. why don't you stop this? see, and they creep up under your skin-- uh-oh. there's one now.

hold it. stay. stay. down, boy. [knocking] look, now that's julio and his sister and his nephew, pop. now try and be nice to 'em, ok? i'll do as best as i can, son, but these--these creepin' blotches-- it's moving from my elbow up to my shoulder, and my shoulder bone is connected to my brain bone. and i might get a brain blotch. come in. carlotta, este es mi amigo lamont. my sister carlotta and her son roberto. it is indeed a pleasure. hello. y ahora, este es el pap? de mi amigo mr. sanford. mr. sanford, i want you to say hello to carlotta and her son roberto. hey, roberto, say hello to lamont and se?or sanford. hey, roberto. hi, lamont. hello, se?or sanford. buenos tacos. ha ha ha ha. [speaking spanish]

well, you see, mr. sanford-- he'll love this one. adios, brat-os. hey, julio? yeah. tell your sister carlotta that i'm glad that she's here, and my home is her home. wow. that's nice, man. carlotta, dice que aqu? en esta casa, t? puedes estar como si t? eres en tu propia casa. ah, s?. muchas gracias. thank you very much. [speaking spanish] oh, no. no, no, no, no. no, no, look, no. you don't have to do that. this. this--this lady's a guest in our house. get them papers over there, honey. [speaking inaudibly] hey, julio, tell your sister carlotta that she doesn't have to do any cleaning or cooking because my pop--see, he does all the housework. tell her that. julio: right. great. [speaking spanish] ah, s?. ay, pero eso no es trabajo del hombre. eso le toca la mujer. es el trabajo de las mujeres.

hey, hey, hey, lamont. what'd she say? how would i know? who you think i am, ricardo montalban? my mama say to clean is the work of a woman, not the man. and t?o julio said in this house, you're the woman. he's crazy. you tell your uncle in a minute, he'll be a woman. [humming] [sniffing] you smell that? now that is what breakfast is supposed to smell like. eggs, onions, coffee, peppers with butter. buenos tacos. ha ha ha ha.

and she's already started breakfast. what do you mean she cleaned up the room? why you jumping to conclusions that she cleaned up the room? oh, i'm terribly sorry. am i supposed to assume that you came down in the middle of the night and straightened it up, or am i supposed to assume that the living room fairies came by and did it? no, no. that would be too hard to swallow with this in your mouth. [speaking inaudibly] i cook in here as good as anybody else. oh, buenos d?as. yeah, bony knees to you. sit, please. i hope you like the meal. oh, we'll love it. no, no. no? mm-mmm. hey, pop, if you don't eat that, you're gonna insult carlotta. my doctor's got me on a strict diet. no garbage. would you stop it? listen, that stuff stinks. i didn't ask her to fix it, so don't expect me to eat it. hey, man, why don't you dig yourself? [knocking] hey! good morning, everybody. oh, no. another one.

well, i don't know. i mean, carlotta's husband is moving here, so i figure we better get roberto signed up in school right away, you know? they might be here a long time. a long time here? in this house? pop. oh, it would be a pleasure. hey, you really mean that, mr. sanford? certainly, i mean it. certainly. julio: that's nice. as long as she cleans up the house and cooks for lamont, my house is yours. so, since my house is yours, uh, hurry and get to your windows and your floors. here you go, pop. here's something for the inventory. let's see. one tire, no whitewall. small hole in it. uh, got about 4 miles left on it. ok, i'd--i'd say 2 bucks. wrong. here you go. one custom-designed gorilla swing

all right. what about this? oh, let's see. one tuba. 2 valves missing, one don't work. it's made out of alululu-- a-alu-- brass. let's lift it up, son. let's see how it sounds. oh, jee whiz. here we go. [playing tuba] $5.00. wrong again. one flower planter. reminiscent of john philip sousa.

will you stop it? what about this radio, pop? one radio. 1940 vintage. let's see. [humming] good condition. 15 bucks. roberto: t?o. uncle julio. t?o. hey, he's not here, roberto, but come on over anyway, buddy. now what's the matter, man? where is uncle julio? but how come you're not in school? no. no school, no school. i hate the school. no more school! hey, man. hey, look, don't cry. only babies cry. [sobbing]

oh, se?or sanford. s?. they should not return to here now? oh, they'll be back soon. they went down to the school to speak to the principal. the principal? yeah. the boss of the school. boss of the school? el chief-o of the brat-os. ah, s?. gracias. it's all right. listen, why don't you do something to take your mind off roberto, like the laundry? the laundry? yeah, the laundry. m is, lamont will take care of it 'cause he's smart. he can answer every question on hollywood squares. question? hacer la pregunta. ?pregunta? no, you think-- you thinking of, uh, the newlyweds. see, when a woman get pregunta-- [all speaking at once] hey, what happened? it's not fair. it's not right. i know it's not right, julio, but that's just the way it is, man. w-what happened? ?qu? pasa, julio?

what happened? yo no soy ni?ito. tengo 10 a?os. [speaking spanish at once] hold it. hold it. hold it! hold it. now we have to start speaking english here. this is not the unemployment office, you know? now what happened? well, what happened is that roberto can't speak english fast enough, so instead of keeping him in the fifth grade where he belongs, they put him back to the fourth grade. i am not stupid. i do not want to be in a class with babies. that's right. he's right, lamont. t that's the way the school system is here in l.a., julio. uh, the principal said if the students can't keep up, they have to put 'em into a younger grade. i can keep up. but not in english. [knocking] i'll get it. come in! oh, excuse me, but are you still open for business? of course we're open for business. you see us here trying to sell everything, don't you? well, i was, um-- i was looking for an old lamp.

oh, is it for sale? my pop told me when i was a little kid, everything's got a price. uh, meet my son 25.98. oh, my. you sound like quite a businessman. well, you don't think i own all this by being stupid, do you? no, of course not. uh, well, how much do you want for the lamp? $20. $40. i beg your pardon. $40. $20. i'll give you 20. both: sold. what you do? you sold it? my lamp? it is the lamp i study with at night. [speaking spanish] lamont: what does he mean? you want me to be a doctor, no? so in light i study. i have no eyes to play the baseball. and you don't have no teeth to eat with. well, surely there are other lamps in this house that you can use. they are no good. this one is the right one. roberto, cierra la boca. ?qu? es lo que pasa, julio?

but it cost $30. now i have no lamp, and you don't have $30 to buy me a new lamp. i will fail in my studies. i will never be a doctor. you may never be 11. oh, you poor little child. here. here's $30. now you buy him that lamp. uh-huh. study hard, little doctor. ?pero qu? pasa, julio? [speaking spanish] hey, you know, that was-- that pretty smart of you jacking up the price like that. you're nice, amigo. give me 5. no, give me 10. give you what? give me my $10. your $10? s?, my $10. you were only going to get 20. i got you the other 10. it is my $10. you know, you got a good head on your shoulder.

[telephone ringing] hello? yeah. uh-huh. just a moment. it's for you, se?or. for me? yeah, and talk fast, hear? because i don't like my phone hung up while i'm doing this work. yes? uh, wait, please. too fast. ment. se?or sanford, please. what? it's the school where is berto. i do not understand. hello? oh, that was the boy's puerto rican mother and my personal secretary. oh, yeah? all right. i'll send her over. what is wrong? is berto hurt? no, he's just been suspended. suspended? what is suspended? uh, thrown out. kicked out. adios from school. my berto? yeah.

se?or sanford-- please, don't get no chile on my shirt. what will i say? i don't know how to go. se?or sanford, you will take me? please? now? yes, now, please. no. i gotta finish this work, and then i gotta do some things in the kitchen. please? and after that, i gotta look in here and see what dear abby said about teenage petting. please? well, i-- ok, then. get your coat and get your hat. ? and leave your worries on the doorstep ? very good. ask them to come in. your mother and a mr. sanford are here. why you call them? i know how to go home. we can't send you home without a parent. [door opens] ah, roberto. roberto, ?qu? es lo que pasa? ?y por qu? t? te est?s portando mal? la escuela es muy importante. what is she saying? me tratan como uno ni?ito peque?o.

what are they saying? how should i know? who you think i am, fernando lamas? se?or sanford, what happened now? what happened? what did the kid do? he simply refuses to go into the fourth grade. he insists he's smarter than the fourth graders, which i have no reason to doubt, but, well, because of the language barrier, he can't keep up with the fifth grade. what he say, se?or sanford? he said roberto el dumb-o. ay, bendito. i didn't. i said the teacher is unable to teach him. see, the principal-o says el teacher-o is the dumb-o. no, i didn't. well, listen, if the teacher can't teach him, then you should put her back in the fourth grade. mr. sanford, most of our teachers don't speak spanish, and the government won't provide funds to hire extra teachers who do. it's unfortunate really because in the younger grades, many of our children are spanish-speaking.

here's a kid that speaks 2 languages. he's smarter than the teacher, and he can also sell lamps. well, why doesn't the government provide funds for this? i don't know. i imagine they have other things they consider to be more important. now what's more important than giving a kid a real good education? mr. sanford, i respect what you're saying. believe me, i wish i could do something to keep roberto in the fifth grade. well, you can. why don't you stay after school and tutor him? sanford, i can't do that. i'm the principal. forget about the principle and take a little interest. this kid needs help. all right. all right, mr. sanford, i'll do it. right. mr. sanford, you're quite a man. and you, too. and you're an asset to this community. you, too. you, too.

at you want. thank you very much. preferably a tall puerto rican named julio. [breathing heavily] [belching] mmm. go ahead. ask me that question again. and mary has 3 bananas. ahh. johnny gives 2 of his apples to mary. here, mary. mary gives one banana to johnny and eats 2 herself.

well, so long, pop. so long, son. i'll be leaving in a few minutes myself. oh, yeah? oh, look, don't forget now-- carlotta invited us over for dinner tonight. oh, i won't forget. ok. i wish you'd tell me more about that job that you got down at the school. oh, well, it's just a little job where i help the kids on a daily basis. well, uh, with what? well, i mean, you know, leading them in the straight and narrow and pointing them in the right direction. and they pay you for that? well, not much. helping the kids is more important.

i'll see you later. ok, son. [door opens and shuts] [whistling] captioning made possible by sony pictures television captioned by the national captioning institute --www.ncicap.org--

? good times ? ? anytime you need a payment ? ? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?