[sanford and son theme plays]

what are you doing? i'm talking to your father's plants. do you mind? no, i don't mind. have you gotten to the part where you tell them that you're a yo-yo? lamont, you're supposed to talk to plants and vegetables. oh, yeah, and what fool told you that? nobody told me. i read it right here in this paper in the home garden section. see? it says that it's a proven fact that plants grow best when they feel the vibrations of love emanating from your heart to their petals. now, watch this. hello, babies.

to get busted for molesting a tomato. don't you listen to him, honey. that's what i mean, grady. you spending too much time out here in this garden, man. when was the last time you cleaned up the house? when was the last time you cooked? when was the last time you made up your bed? um... i give up. when? you see, that's exactly what i mean, man. you're spending all your time out here in this garden, and the house is going to pot. i tell you what i'm gonna do. i'm gonna fix you an extra-special dinner tonight. and to show you that i haven't been wasting my time out here, i'll get most of the stuff right from here. you mean to tell me you gonna eat this stuff right out of the ground? this is good food. here. try this. go ahead. wait. good-bye, doris.

what other kind of vegetables you got growing out here? well, let's see. i got some lettuces and radishes and-- hey, grady? grady? what's that scrambly stuff growing over there? oh, that's parsley, wild parsley, and it's growing all by itself. are you sure that's parsley? ey. you know what, lamont, the great thing about this garden is that it's all organic. no chemicals, no sprays, it's natural. just a little plant food and that's it. oh, yeah? well, what do you use for fertilizer? nothing. mrs. nelson's cat comes by twice a day.

oh, hi there, uh...uh... esther, fool. yeah, esther fool. how's your whiplash, esther? oh, it's fine. it'll be all well on friday. well, how you know it's gonna be well on friday? 'cause the trial is thursday. oh, what a pretty little garden! no, no. hey, wait a minute now. fred told me to keep you out of this garden. is that so? yeah, he said just because he had planted a garden of eden, there was no reason to let the serpent in. [fingers snap] well, i'm here, and i'm staying here! well, as long as you here and you staying here, would you mind holding out your arms

let me tell you one thing. when my sister was alive, i was always welcome in this house, but i wouldn't put my foot in there unless you fall down on your hands and knees and beg me. so long, sucker! grady, if you're done talking to the vegetables, why don't you go in there and talk to the frying pan and tell it to cook us some dinner? ok, but you mind doing me a favor, please, and feeding my plants while i'm in there? what's that fish for? oh, that's for mrs. nelson's cat. you see, sometimes you have to prime the pump. and talk to the vegetables for me. will ya, please? make them feel wanted. what are you, some kind of a nut? talk to the vegetables. did you hear him?

before you become my meal. say, my man, what are you doing? hey, rollo. what's happening, man? look here, i want to ask you a question. uh... does that look like wild parsley to you? you mean that marijuana? look at it, baby. yeah, well, just stay away from it, rollo. hey, man, don't worry. there's enough for everybody. rollo, just stay away from it! now get in the house! oh, man! why did your old man plant that anyway? he didn't, rollo. it just sprung up all by itself. oh, it just sprung up, did it? well, well, what a fine spring we're having. we got to think of some way to get rid of that stuff. hey, don't worry, baby. i'll do it. wait a minute. i know. i'll burn it.

we can't burn it, man. if we burn it, then somebody will smell it. i know! we'll turn it into the police. oh, you can't turn it into the police, fool. what's wrong with you? come on, we got to think this out intelligently. come on, sit down here. i got an idea. i know it'll work. understand, look here. now, we know we can't burn it. no, we can't burn it, man. yeah, and we can't wrap it up in a bundle with paper because it would stick out like a sore thumb. yeah, it would stick out like a sore thumb. somebody would find it. so, here's what i'll do. instead of wrapping it up in a huge piece of paper and throwing it out, i'll just get some little pieces of paper about this size. you dig? then i'll take the marijuana little by little and wrap it up in those little pieces of paper, and i'll get rid of it all, one by one.

ea. now, it's just about time for smitty and hoppy to get off duty, so we'll go over to the precinct and tell them about it. what do you mean, we?! ain't they the police? yeah, they the police, but they're also our friends, rollo. if we talk to them off the record, then we won't get on the record. now, come on, let's go. i don't know, man. i'll go with you, but i think you're making a big mistake. i'm not making no mistake, rollo. just look, now look... now, if this is marijuana, it's our duty to turn it in. but before we turn it in, why don't we do a little turning on? ? a-tisket, a-tasket ? ? i'm gonna fill my basket ? ? a-tisket, a-tasket ? ? i'm gonna fill my basket ? [humming] well, fellas, i'm sorry, but the time has come. let's see. a little of this... and this... and this...

lamont: this way, smitty. it's right over here. and not as a policeman or in your official capacity. i'm just gonna come right out and be honest with you and tell you it's gone. what's gone? officer smith, i think we should be a bit more official about this inquiry. now, uh, what's gone? it was parsley. it was a wheelbarrow. huh? a wheelbarrow. parsley. it was a wheelbarrow full of parsley. wheelbarrow... full of parsley.

well, i guess whoever it belonged to must've come and taken it away, so it was a false alarm. now, now, now, wait. why would anyone put parsley in a wheelbarrow? i guess they wanted to make deliveries. make... all right. now, did we establish that the wheelbarrow was full of parsley? no, partially. partially full or partially parsley? partially parsley. partially...parsley. possibly. parsley. probably. probably possibly partially parsley. now... what i'm try-- oh, smitty and hoppy. hey, rollo. hey, how you doin', grady? fine. why, just in time for dinner. i just got through, and i got plenty, so come on in and join me. you'll love it. hey, that's a good idea. why don't you stay for dinner?

all right, let's get it in. get it on. get it on. yeah, yeah. you know what, rollo? i bet you that stuff didn't grow wild, man. i bet you somebody planted it and unplanted it when we was gone. yeah, and i'd sure like to be his bosom buddy right about now. yeah, well, i'd just like to get my hands on the dude that did it. yeah, me, too. i had such high hopes. all right, now. first we start off now, this is half mint julep and half ripple. fred calls this mint jipple. well, it sounds delicious, mr. wilson, but actually we're still on duty for another 5, 4, 3, 2, one for me, please. thank you. hey, this is outta sight, grady. you know, mr. wilson, this reminds me of a drink we had back in the service. it was called a block and tackle.

ha ha ha! you get it? you tackle anybody. ha ha ha! oh, what a sense of humor. ha ha ha. ahh, short hair and all, those guys were funny. well, now for the main course. now, i call this salad a la grady. that is marvelous. you know, i've been eating only salads lately. you probably noticed-- i've gotten a little lighter. yeah. if you get any lighter, understand, you'll be transparent. say, grady, that looks fantastic. hey, what all's in here? well, i got some cucumbers, lettuce, tomatoes, hog head cheese, and a little wild parsley. uh, i don't-- i don't think you guys will be wanting to eat nothin' with wild parsley in it. anything wrong with the salad? wrong?! hey, mmm... that is delicious.

in most states, it is. uh, uh, grady, can i see you for a minute in the kitchen? well, not now. can't you see i'm busy? now, you wouldn't disturb a master chef in his moment of glory, would you? no, but see, i-- you wouldn't disturb george washington carver when he was planting the peanut. no, but i-- you wouldn't disturb hank aaron when he was standing up at the plate. no, grady, but-- you wouldn't disturb the wright brothers when they were trying to fly. that's exactly what i want to talk to you about. the kitchen? hey, what's this about the wright brothers? well, it's the flying part that i want to talk to you about, grady. now, i don't know quite how to say this, but i don't think that was wild parsley in that salad you made. well, what do you think was in it? [quietly] marijuana. [shouts] marijuana! well, what are you, crazy anyway? ok, i tell you what i'll do.

no, wait a minute, grady. you can't do that. they're the police. well, you don't think i'm gonna take your word for it, do you? you don't have to, grady. now, just about everybody knows one of the main side effects of using marijuana is the hungries or the munchies. like in the wizard of oz? that was the munchkins! aw, yeah. didn't you just love that picture? oh, grady, would you knock it off? this is no time for that. there was dorothy and toto... of the west, grady! now, look... now, what we gotta do, see, is we gotta go out there, a-a-and if smitty and hoppy are still hungry, then that means it was marijuana. if they're not, it wasn't. now, come on. all right.

[stammers] you--you were right. they got the munchkins, all right. munchies, grady. the munchies. now, just calm down. how can i calm down when the police are in there getting high off my salad? they gonna take me to jail. we got--we gotta go out there and stop them. hey, wait a minute, wait a minute. wait a minute. now how can they take you to jail if they're eatin' up all the evidence? that's food for thought. right. come on, let's go. hey, how, uh, how you fellas feel? i--i mean, how's the food? it's terrific, it's marvelous. oh, really? oh, goodness, you didn't even finish up this little bit right here. oh, come on. don't leave anything in the bowl. hey, don't worry about me, grady.

i could eat anything. and you just did. well, that just about does it for dinner. i'll just take your plates. rollo, why don't you take these plates and the salad bowl in the kitchen and wash 'em out thoroughly. oh, ok. and if you guys are still hungry, i suggest that you go down to a restaurant and get something to eat. as a matter of fact, you should leave now, 'cause restaurants start getting crowded around this time of day. oh, that wouldn't bother us. we'd just arrest a couple of people in line and take their places, right? say, hoppy, my man, let's go down to the rib shack. all right. oh, that's a good idea. where--where is that place? ? oh, just follow the yellow brick road ? ? follow the yellow brick road ? ? follow, follow, follow, follow ? ? follow the yellow brick road ? yeah, i saw that movie the other night on television. that lovely little girl and her dog tito. no, no, that's toto.

, say, if you fellas don't hurry up, you're gonna miss your meal down there. you know, mr. wilson, you gotta give me the recipe for that mint jipple. yeah, now, that's a mellow drink, jack. yeah. well, i'm certainly glad you fellas came by. well, it was the high point of our day. right out! right on! no, i meant right outta here and right over to the rib shack. 'cause i am starving. great spirit food. soul food! oh, yeah. soul food. ? follow, follow, follow, follow ? ? follow the yellow brick road ? say, hoppy, i think you better let me drive. oh, that's fine with me. i was gonna just jog along beside the car anyway for a little exercise. yeah. good luck, you two. i hope you don't get arrested by the police. ha ha ha ha ha ha! did you hear--

i think you were right about that wild parsley. yeah, then again, it could've been those mint jipples, grady. they did finish off quite a few of them. yeah. hey, what's that i smell? i don't know, but it's coming from the kitchen. hey, i--i put the dishes in the dishwasher. rollo, we don't have a dishwasher. then they bakin' in the oven. well, just look on the bright side of it, grady. at least we don't have to worry about getting busted. i--i--i don't know how to tell you this, lamont, rator. oh, no. look what i found in the refrigerator. now, look, you get rid of this, grady. i'm gonna take rollo out there and walk around until i clear his head, and then i'll walk him to the bus stop. come on, rollo. [babbling] i--i--i got to get rid of the evidence. [pounding on door] oh, that's the police. they've come back. what am i gonna do with the evidence? esther!

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mmm, this is delicious! i bet you got about 5 or 6 different ingredients in here. well, you got that right. onions, celery... lettuce... sure. wild parsley. sure, i said wild parsley. you taste wild parsley in there? i sure do. now, are you sure you do? positive. i've loved wild parsley ever since i was a child. oh, yeah? well, that's all i wanted to know. i hope you love walkin' because it's time for you to do some. thank you for droppin' in. now drop out. i should've known.

i came to visit my nephew. instead i visited the devil! i talked with the devil! i sat with the devil! i ate of the devil's food, and i'm gettin' the devil outta here. i ain't trustin' you. that's pretty good, too. hey, grady, what are you doin'? well, i'm here finishing up this, uh, uh... the evidence. are you crazy? what are you doing? a man your age eating that stuff! no, wait. i just thought it was my responsibility to look after you, to make sure there was nothing incriminating around here.

oh, no, i can't do that, you see, because i gotta clean up around here. you were absolutely right. i have been neglecting my duties, and it's time for me to clean up. i got to do the mopping, the cleaning, the dusting, and take care of things. and besides... i gotta do it in a hurry because i think i'm getting the munchkins. oh, no. look, grady, you just go ahead and rest. i'll fix you something to eat, ok? oh, what about the dishes? look, just forget about the dishes, forget about the housework. i'll take care of everything, all right? a-a-a-and make yourself comfortable, ok? now, i'll take care of everything. don't worry about nothin', all right? just relax. ? if happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow ?