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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  November 21, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

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i knew you meant "store." >> yeah. >> and if you're driving your car, and you have a flat, you have to get a new tahr. >> that's right. >> you don't get a tire, you get a new tahr at the sto'. >> that's right. >> sure, i understand you completely-- i told you. i spent time down south. all right, are we ready now to bring flat nose out? >> yeah. >> okay, let's go over there and meet your dog. >> come here, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] >> okay, flat nose is waiting. >> come on. get to know flat nose. come here flat nose. [ applause ] >> hey, flat nose, how are you? what kind of a dog is he? >> he's a pit and english bulldog. >> now, i notice you have a little pillow or something tied up there. >> yeah, he'll go up there to that pillow and get it. >> i don't believe it. i don't believe it. are we all set? >> well, we gonna get a chance to see that fella kiss him before it's over. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
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see it? see it, flat nose? hey, hey, look, look. hey, go get it, flat nose. go get it, boy. go get it, flat nose. get up there, flat nose! that fella gotta kiss you now. get up there, flat nose. go, go, go, flat nose. [ indistinct chatter ] [ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> okay, now, hold it one second. before we come back. stay there a second, one second. now you're gonna let him-- you're gonna let him go get the pillow? >> yeah, then i wanna see that fella kiss him. >> yeah, okay. [ laughter ] >> flat nose, hey, hey. go get it, flat nose. go get it, boy. go get it, flat nose. go, go, flat nose. get up that there tree, flat nose. go, flat nose. go, flat nose.
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[ cheers and applause ] [ indistinct chatter ] >> doc, this is, uh-- i'd like you to meet-- [ cheers and applause ] doc, i'd like you to meet flat nose. you have any message for flat nose at all? >> i think flat nose is my date for tonight. >> okay. >> barney, it's nice to meet you. >> yeah, man. >> thank you. thanks for coming. >> enjoy meetin' you. >> have a nice, safe trip back home, and thank you for bringing flat nose. you're a nice man.
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>> that is something. >> and we'll be back.
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[ music ] >> all right, we are back. well... [ cheers and applause ] this would normally be a tough spot for a comedian. you just followed... a crazy dog climbing a tree, but for george carlin, this presents no problem at all. he's one of the most inventive, funny guys in the business, and he's gonna be performing at caesars lake tahoe, on the 28th and 29th of this month. would you welcome george carlin? [ cheers and applause ] [ music ] >> hello, hello. how are you doing tonight? nice to see you all. hello, doctor.
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uh, i ate at the commissary. you know, last time-- what'd i have last time? was the, uh, breast of hyena, which was great. this time they've got a new little gourmet section. i don't know if you're aware but there's a gourmet section, and the maitre'd ulrich was very nice. he gave me a little of everything. first i had the rack of weasel, very good. a piping hot bowl of wolf noodle soup. the loin of gopher was of course, stir-fried mole, curried woodpecker, and topped it all off with some nice candied unicorn mcnuggets. [ laughter ] so they got me. now i'm gonna be a regular-- regular patron. of course, i don't have to remind you. you've been told four or five times, and you probably knew this from your datebooks. tomorrow is thanksgiving, and i'm happy because it's a day that you really understand that you're living in the 20th century,
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america will baste themselves in ovens that will later clean themselves. [ laughter ] now, we're not having turkey this year. we're a little tired of that. you get tired after a while, i think. we're, uh, we're having seagull. [ laughter ] yeah, they're a little fishy, you know, but you don't have to add salt, which makes 'em great. we've experimented before. one year we had a stork, which was kinda nice, a hell of a noise. and then a couple years ago we were experimenting. we had common street pigeon. unfortunately, three of the guests did pass away. so, i'm, uh, i'm anxious to get going here into my usual subjects, my little potpourri. i was a little late today. sorry if i upset anybody here. i had an unusual incident in traffic. i either ran over a sheep...
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wearing a sheepskin coat. [ laughter ] and i'm not sure because i didn't stick around, you know. i just kept moving. that's what you gotta do, by the way. if you have an automobile accident and you run someone over, just get the hell outta there. if you get outta your car, all you're gonna do is add to the confusion, you know. and they're gonna wanna know your name and your address, or some wise guy goes, "you got any insurance?" you know. the hell out of there, because, uh, all you'll do, like i say-- they got enough trouble without you stopping, you know? so head on out. look at it this way. hey, it's none of your concern. [ laughter ] all right? that's all you gotta remember. that's right. [ applause ] you mind your own business in life, you'll be okay. which brings me-- it gets me philosophical, but the wisest man, the wisest man i ever met
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i never forgot, and although i-i never forgot it, i never quite memorized it either, so what i'm... [ laughter ] i kind of left with having heard something that was really wise that i just can't remember, you know. you know what you never see? a japanese guy named biff. [ laughter ] at least i don't recall any. also, you never hear of cancer of the heart. i know this is an unpleasant subject, but there's a lot of different kinds of cancers, and there's a lot of heart disease, and you never hear of cancer of the heart. one of those unusual things. here's a fact that... [ laughter ] a lot of people haven't thought of. don ho-- don ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than efrem zimbalist, jr. [ laughter ] you know that expression
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"than the sword?" i was thinking of that today. they oughta update that. i think they did one time during the second world war. the pen is mightier than the sword. i think the typewriter is mightier than the machine gun, but i think it's time for, uh, the word processor is mightier than the particle beam weapon. [ laughter ] not all of these things are intended to be funny, by the way. [ laughter ] some of these are more, like, you think about them and drive home. um... let me ask you a question. if a real stupid person becomes senile, how do you know? [ laughter ] [ applause ] just... i had kind of an unusual problem lately. i mixed up the phone numbers for schick center for control of smoking with the evelyn woods speed reading course, and i now-- i've given up reading, but i can smoke a carton of cigarettes in ten minutes.
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you know, life is like the 5 and 10 cent store. you go in, you see something you want, you pay the clerk, they put it in the bag, and you take it home. that's another one of those ones that's not intended to be funny. [ laughter ] it's something you wanna think about later on. hey, you know how you get rid of counterfeit money? put it in the collection plate at church. [ laughter ] huh? okay. i'd like to do my impression-- 'cause i don't do many impressions. i'd like to do my pr of kirk douglas and walter brennan combined. eeeeh! [ laughter ] thank you. thank you very much. thank you, thank you. it's all right. you know what i say? if the shoe fits, get another one just like it. [ laughter ] i'd like to leave you with something intelligent, but unfortunately that's out of the question. good night. thank you very much.
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>> some more, uh, some more pithy observations about the human condition. >> you do what you can. >> which is a little sad lately. we're gonna take a commercial. we'll come back and follow up on some other subjects of material interests or not.
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[ music ] >> all right, we are back. [ applause ] >> yeah. >> how are things in general? >> pretty good. i feel great these days. i'm showering with new zest, and i have none of that sticky film anymore. none of that sticky film. i went through my whole life with that sticky film. and i-- well, it's just-- it's good to be alive. i'm into a new lifestyle which doesn't require my presence. >> ah. >> so i can-- if i don't wanna, i don't have to get up at all, and i still get credit for a full day, so... >> have you been hanging out with shirley maclaine at all?
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you know, it's a cliche to use this phrase-- trying to find out who i was and where i was going, and to my great surprise, i found out that i was elizabeth newsteader, and i was going to medicine bull, wyoming, so i had to do something quick, and what i'm doing about it... uh-- >> seek help, seek help. >> next week, i'm going into the plastic surgeon. i'm having my handwriting changed surgically. and all the values i figure, and all the autographs-- that you really, on the way home-- >> yeah, you have to. yeah, i spent-- maybe after you're home on that one. [ laughter ] but i've been feeling perky and well, and my health is good again. >> you've never had any problems, have you? >> well, i've had a big heart attack. outside of that, no. [ laughter ] >> that was some time ago. >> yeah, that was going on five years now. >> does that scare you? >> that scared me a lot, but i-- what i did was-- >> that was a dumb question. of course it scared you. >> i stopped having them. i just--
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[ overlapping chatter ] lately it's little things i'm getting. little things are bothering me. like i had a ringing in my ear. i went to the doctor. they found a small bell. [ laughter ] the strangest thing. and i found out there's a-- there's a disease-- not a disease, it's an ailment called objective-- it's called tinnitus when you have-- there's a disease called objective tinnitus where other people can hear the ringing and you can't. it's kinda strange, but-- [ laughter ] also, they found a spot thank god it was mustard. and i-- this chair-- now this chair is not good for the back, 'cause i'm feeling it in my back. i got, uh-- >> you have a problem with your lower back? >> well, not a bad-- i don't have a bad back, it just got in with the wrong company, you know? but years-- [ laughter ] but years ago, i was injured in a runaway barcalounger. by the time i got over that, i was traveling throughout new england, and i was beaten up
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[ laughter ] and they're vicious because they very rarely get that kind of a feeling out. [ laughter ] my family is well, you know. >> oh, are they really? >> yeah, my family, my son-- you remember last time i was here i mentioned my son dartanian. >> dartanian, yeah. that was a strange name to give a youngster. >> well, i have-- a lotta people aren't aware-- >> historically, it's nice. >> yeah, but he-he's not a bad-- i'll tell you, he was in trouble-- a couple of 'em are in trouble now, but i've got 11 . a lot of people are not aware of that. >> i didn't know you had that large of a family. >> i have 11 sons. i have ackbar. >> ackbar. >> ackbar, buzzy, sherlock, tonto, uh, nebuchadnezzar, pinocchio, mustafa, and ace. [ laughter ] oh, oh, and john. i named him when i was still doing a lotta drugs. [ laughter ] yeah. >> ace. >> but my-- my favorite-- you know how you have a favorite? my favorite, i think,
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>> oh, i didn't mention mandrake. right, mandrake. he's, uh, he's not too, you know, swift. i think the cheese fell off his cracker a long time ago. uh... [ laughter ] i get the feeling that mandrake peaked in kindergarten. but he's a good kid. he gets in trouble. he's in trouble with the law again, unfortunately. >> oh, no. >> they got him for, um, unlawful pruning of a city-owned tree. it's not serious, you know, but, um... >> what woulss a child to do this? >> i know! he's older now. he's 24. >> you go through that stage i suppose where you go around and get that pruning urge. >> yeah. it's true. >> it's like going through puberty. it's going through pruning. >> sowing your wild oats. it's similar. uh, i laugh at this stuff because you have to. >> or you don't get paid. >> it's true, it's true. they take you away. >> it's a rule in showbusiness. >> he is-- it's-- the pruning thing isn't
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>> the same thing? >> no, no, no, uh, previously, uh, operating an illegal gymnasium. which is all-- kind of an offbeat thing. again, he got in with bad people. >> yeah. >> and i can't think of the other thing. it was real bad, whatever it was. [ laughter ] yeah, it'll come to me later. >> just make something up. >> can we get the dog out here? >> sure. how are your investments going? you always have some new things that you're investing in. >> that guy, uh, my guy's not much better than your bombastic bush-- plastic gongs, you know? prescription toilet paper, we didn't make a nickel on that. i didn't even understand that one. >> no. >> and then he tried to get me into a professional javelin throwing franchise. >> you mean like team tennis, you mean? >> yeah, similar. indoor, uh, javelin throwing and stuff, and, uh-- >> it's hard to turn out a crowd for that. >> it is. well, see, it's just new, pro-- the amateurs they come out for, but it's pro now, and they can't
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i haven't lost all my money. this is a new roach spray. it doesn't kill the roaches, but it fills them with self doubt. [ laughter ] >> all right, we'll be back. stay where you are. attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few weeks away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you? new plans are now available that could increase your benefits and lower how much you pay out of pocket. to update your coverage- or enroll for the first time -- call healthmarkets. we'll help you make sure you have the right medicare plan. hi, i'm doctor martin gizzi. it's a new medicare year. that means more changes... and more confusion. here's what i tell my patients... start by asking ... what kind of care is best for your current situation? have there been changes in your health or medications? the key question is: what can you do now,
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call this number by the deadline... and let healthmarkets find the right medicare plan for you - without cost or obligation. call now. >> okay, we just have time for a thank you. thank you, barney. i should mention that ian mckellen said he'll come back with us on december 10, because we ran a little long tonight with barney. thank you for bringing your crazy, silly, brilliant self as usual. it's always fun having you here. >> quickly, i'm a member of an orgasm workshop and we have a meeting tonight. >> really?
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i'm humbled by that applause. - good night, helen. - oh, hold on, brian. you know, i've been meaning to tell you all day, that that shirt looks really good on you. - hmm. thank you. - [helen] yeah, well, you know, um, i've always thought that... you were really handsome. - helen... what are you doing? - something i've wanted to do for a long time. (laugh track) - nurse cochran, we need two pints of blood for two milligrams of demerol. - [fay] yes dr. mather, and we have to hurry, because there were 49 others in the car with him. (laugh track)
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- [helen] what? - something's not right here. (laugh track) - maybe a little music will help. (romantic music) (laugh track) ? call me ? irresponsible ? call me ? unreliable ? throw in ? undependable ? too ? - now do you want me? - what about joe? - forget joe. (laugh track) (giggling in sleep) - should we wake him up? - nah, nah. whatever he's doing, looks like he's having a good time. (laugh track)
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- my, lowell, you look very nice today. - ah, thanks, fay. you know, yesterday, after church, i went to the hardware store and arlow the paint boy called me sir, and right then it hit me. - that arlow sniff paint fumes? (laugh track) - fay, who among us hasn't, maybe, r a can of navajo white? (laugh track) but what i meant to say was, you know, a suit, commands respect. what do you think, roy? - mather, a group of cub scouts heave hoed all over plane two. drag your butt out there and hose it down. (laugh track) - need i say more? (laugh track) - hey roy, want to hear a good one? - yeah, sure.
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owing the irs 1,500 bucks, so the irs now, is threatening to throw the cabbie in the prison. - that is a good one. - so, uh... i was wondering if you could lend me some money. (wheezy laughter) - that's an even better one. (laugh track) - roy, please. please. - hey, there's an old saying about lending money to friends. - yeah, i know, neither a borrower nor lender be. - actually, i was thinking of "no, no, not even if i liked you, no." - of all the times for this to happen. i finally saved up enough money to ask casey out for a fancy dinner. - you take casey out? scarpacci, you are kidding yourself, you haven't had the nerve to say two words to her, since she showed up here. - well, i do now. - oh really? well let's see. casey, could you come here... - what are you doing, now? - [roy] you've got the guts to ask you out, i'll spring for the dinner. - [casey] what is it?
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(laughtrack) - how old are you? (laugh track) - damn, i almost got you. - you really think that's funny? - oh come on, you thought it was funny last week when i did it to fay. (laugh track) - oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... ha ha ha... i had the most incredible dream. completely weird. i was in the terminal, right? and lowell was dressed as a surgeon, and he was operating on a clown. - oh yeah... - [brian] no wait, and then, antonio and roy were playing twin pianos, while casey sang. (laughter) no wait, and then, you'll get a huge kick out of this,
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(laugh track) - what? (laughter) - can you picture that? me and helen, isn't that hysterical, eh? (laughs) (laugh track) - my helen? you dreamt about my helen? - well, uh, i wouldn't worry too much about it, yesterday i had a dream that i couldn't play soccer because i had tupperware instead of feet. (laugh track) - did you see her naked? (laugh track) - all right, all right... to you, okay? was a dream. (laugh track) didn't happen. - [joe] no, no, no. it was more than a dream, obviously you have sexual feelings toward helen, how could you do this to me? - i'm really sorry i brought the whole thing up, listen, i was out late last night, i'd like to get a little more sleep. - oh, no, you're not going to sleep, you stay away from helen. (laugh track) - excuse me. do you know where i can get a car and driver for the week? - well, how about a, former uso dancer and a plymouth duster?
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i couldn't help overhearing. i own a luxurious cab. i know every inch of the island. and people say i'm perky. (laugh track) - you'd also have to run errands, fed-ex documents, pick clients up at the airport... - say no more, if you need something faxed, i will fax it. if you need lunch, i will make it. if you need a massage, well, i won't give you one. (laugh track) okay, maybe i will. (laugh track) - you are perky. - 1,500 bucks. - 1,500 bucks? - hey, for that i'll take a bullet for you. (laugh track) no i won't. okay, maybe i will. (laugh track) - i don't know, that'ss a lot of money. and i don't get shot at that often. (laugh track) - well, you know, the best does not come cheap. but you know that, from the look of your suit, whatever you're here for is worth big coin.
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the wrong coast and blows the whole gig. (laugh track) - i like a man who knows what he's worth. gavin rutledge. - antonio scarpacci. let's rock and roll. (laugh track) - do you know her? - who? - that woman there, she's gorgeous, what's her name? - oh, no, no, no, you don't want her. (laugh track) fay, on the other hand, is one hot ticket. - that's okay, i like what i see right here. excuse me. my name is gavin rutledge. - hi. - when i first saw you, i, well, i'm sure that, you hear this all the time, but i just wanted to tell you myself. you are absolutely stunning. - really? - well, hey, we tried. okay. (laugh track) - i'm in town for a week, putting together a real estate deal, i'd love it if you'd have dinner with me. - look, gavin, save your breath.
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(laugh track) - you're sure there's nothing i could say that would change your mind? - look, i just separated from my husband, and i'm not really into dating right now. - i understand. i'm sorry to have bothered you. and for whatever it's worth, any man who would let you get away, has to be the world's biggest fool. - thanks. - see, i got you to smile, my work here is done. (forced laughter) - okay, come on, let's go. - [casey] wait... (laugh track) i'm casey. - it's nice to meet you, casey. i should probably quite while i'm ahead, but i was wondering if you might reconsider my dinner invitation. - well, i, i think i'd like that. - what? (laugh track) - antonio, take these bags to the car, i'll be up in a minute. - my life is a complete disaster. (laugh track) - hey, you wanna turn your life around? hey, get yourself a suit.
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- what are you doing? - what? - you were staring at helen. (laugh track) - awww, i was not. - hey, i saw you, you were staring at her. - [brian] oh, come on, i asked her to butter my bagel. - butter your bagel? all right, you and me outside, right now. (laugh track) what's going on? - i don't even wanna tell you, you are going to be furious. all right. brian had an erotic dream about you. - really? (laugh track) - really... what do you mean, really, he saw you naked. - did i look fat to you? - oh, i don't believe this. (laugh track) - uh, while we're on the subject of fantasies, i've had one that involves two people here. - really, who? - well, actually it was joe and brian. - no, you had a fantasy about us?
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you gave me a raise. (laugh track) - hey. - ohhh... flowers, brian, sweetie, thank you. hey, after last night, tiger lady, you deserve it. (laugh track) - ha ha, very funny, that's very funny. i knew they were for casey. - good morning. oh, my god, look at those beautiful flowers. are they for me? - yes. - oh... gavin remembered i said i loved lilies. - actually, i did. - isn't he the sweetest guy? (beeping) - speak of the hunky devil. (laugh track) - wooo... flowers after one date.
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gavin is just like stewart. except, he's charming, he has a sense of humor, and i don't have to carry him when the sand on the beach gets too hot. (laugh track) - uh, that was mr. rutledge. he said that we'll pick you up tonight at eight. - oh, well tell him that eight will be perfect. did he say anything else? - yeah, well, he said to tell you, that he has a bad case of the caseys. (laugh track) - oh that's so cute. (laugh track) (giggles) - i can't believe you actually had the nerve to get up and sing just the way you are. - hey, it was a karaoke bar, and besides, i was singing it to you. (gagging sound) (laugh track) - sorry, a little something caught in my throat there. (laugh track. - i had a great time tonight. you really are...
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- whoops. (laugh track) are those breaks are what, huh? well, here we are at casey's house, good night casey, see you soon, don't be a stranger, ciao. - you sure i can't talk you into going back to the hotel just for a glass of wine? - [casey] well, it is late. tonight is just a little too soon for me. - [gavin] i understand. but we're still on for dinner tomorrow night? - oh, absolutely. (car horn) - oh, whoops. i guess i'll just walk casey to the door. - i can handle it. - don't kiss him. don't kiss him, don't... (frustrated grunt)
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- yes sir. - oh jeez, i didn't know it had gotten this late. i'm gonna make a call. while i'm on the island, this cab is my office, and anything said in the office is... - strictly confidential, i understand. well, i guess your work never stops, huh? - right. hi honey, it's me.
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- yep. (laugh track) - what? - oh, well, let's just say that, uh, you're not the only dreamer in the hackett family. - oh, will you let this go already? (laugh track) - oh sure, sure, sure, sure. but, uh, you might be interested to know that last night, i had the most exciting dream of my entire life. - let me guess. you got a brand new pair of dockers?
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think, oh, more along the lines of, your new girlfriend, kirsten. - my kirsten? - no, not last night she wasn't. (laugh track) oh yeah, she came to the house to see you, but you weren't home. she locked the door with a little smile. she slowly took off her clothes. and she proceeded to do things to me that still make me shiver. (laugh track) - kirsten did? - yep. (laugh track) - listen, you can dream all you want about helen. i got kirsten. what do you think of that? - oh, not very much. (laugh track) - oww! (laugh track) - joe, joe, can i talk to you? - no, no, not now. come on helen, it was just a dream. - uh, brian, can i just... - sorry, i gotta see this. (laugh track)
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s problem, and i was hoping you could give me some advice. - [lowell] sure. (machine noise) (laugh track) there we go. - oh, never, never mind. - no, no, no, no, no. no. listen, your instincts brought you to me, unload your burden. - okay, well, see... i've got this friend. see, and he, um, he owes a lot of money to he irs. who happens to be dating a woman that my friend likes very much. but the problem is, this rich man, is married. but if my friend tells the woman this, he's sure to be fired. - antonio... do i look like a fool to you? (laugh track) i think we both know who your "friend" is. it's your cousin jakamo, isn't it? (laugh track) - no. - you dad?
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- pete the idiot? - no, no, listen. - i think what the problem is, is that your friend has no self respect. what you need to do is tell him to get himself a suit. (laugh track) - dinner was wonderful. in fact, the last few days have, been wonderful. - for me too. - please. (laugh track) use your turn signal, you butt head. (laugh track) - i got you a little something, here. - oh... gavin, this is beautiful. - weasel! (laugh track) on the road, there's a, little weasel... (laugh track) - i can't accept this, this is too much.
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that you'll keep it. casey. the way i feel about you. i could really see us together. - come here. (tires screech) (laugh track) - whoa, i almost missed that turn to casey's house. (laugh track) - that won't be necessary. i think we'll be going on to the hotel. the hotel. (laugh track) anybody feel like going to confession? (laugh track) - yeah, yeah, i know, the hotel. okay. here it is. - thank you. - well, i guess i'll just wait here to drive casey home, then. - that won't be necessary. - casey. - what? - nothing.
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sey, don't go. - what are you doing? - what's wrong? - he's married. - married? - he has a wife. he calls her honey. (laugh track) - is that true? - well... sort of. but isn't the important thing how we feel about each other tonight? - no, you're married! - does that really have to matter? (hitting sound) (laugh track) i guess it does. (laugh track) - you are so fired. - fine. just pay me what you owe me. - try to collect a dime from me. - yeah, well, i'll see you in hell. because i'm gonna kill myself. (laugh track) i'm uh... i'm sorry.
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- oh, they're out there. you know, uh... for years, my uncle pallo, he drove this beat up old station wagon. and then one day, he came into a lot of money. never mind how. (laugh track) and he... he bought a bright red ferrari, but not very dependable. most days, he still had to drive that beat up old wagon. so, one day, the ferrari blew up. never mind how. (laugh track) so, pallo, he goes and buys a black maserati. but once again, he could never count on it.
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after all these years. - i think i see what you mean. - you do? well, that's good, you know, because i was, i was thinking, in fact, i was hoping... - you know, i learned something tonight. i'm not ready to date. i mean, i thought i was, but... the point is, it's just too soon. it's too soon. - hey, i'm sorry you got fired. - no big deal. i'm sure the irs will wait for the money i owe them. (laugh track) i'm so screwed. (laugh track) - well... here. - what are you doing? - well, you need money, so, why don't you take this?
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it's yours. - i'd really rather you have it. - thank you. you know, i... if i didn't need the money so badly... i know. - well... if he had nothing else, he had good taste. - yes.
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? call me ? irresponsible ? call me ? unreliable ? throw in ? undependable ?
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(laugh track) - hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you're roy biggins. - who wants to know? - fred gardner, professional simon says instructor, take my card. ah-ah-ah. i didn't say simon says. - (laughs) call security. - no. - well, then simon says haul your butt outta here. - hey, you know what, you're just like your mother said you were, a big old bag of fun. - you know my mother? - know her, i'm gonna marry her. - eleanor biggins? four-foot-ten, blonde wig? pack of luckys tucked in her support hose? - that's my girl and i love her.
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both of us if you'd give us your blessing. you know, simon says take your time and think about it, son. - hey, mr. simon says. - you talking to me, kid? - i bet you can't get me out. - some other time, kid, i'm busy. - are you a fraidy cat? - a fraidy cat? get ready. - take your best shot, says man. stop. simon says stop. simon says raise your arms. shake your arms. simon says shake your arms. stop. simon says stop. put your arms down. simon says put your arms down. simon says flutter your hands like a hummingbird. stop. simon says stop. simon says do a grand plies. simon says do the charleston. simon says do the stanley scene from streetcar named desire. - stella!
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you're really good kid. you know, people are gonna be talking about you. - they already do. (lively piano music) - roy. your mother must be thrilled about getting married. that fred is quite a catch. - i don't know, there is something about that simon says guy i just don't trust. - he said he loves her, why is that so hard to believe? - because my mother's got the soul of a pit bull love ain't that blind. - hey, brian. check out the passenger list for your next flight to boston. - oh, wow, laura jenkins. wow, you think it's her? - miss jenkins? (gasps) miss jenkins! - who's miss jenkins? - she was our ninth grade english teacher and was she ever gorgeous. remember those tight little wool skirts she used to wear and those clingy blouses?
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- no, no, no, that was not it, it was more of a shimmy. - no, no. - i can't believe you would reduce miss jenkins so a sex object. i mean, when i was a fat 14-year-old, she was my idol. i wanted to be just like her. - you wanted to be an english teacher? - no, a size six. - i guess everybody had their miss jenkins. mine was signorina sabatino. and says, don't worry, it's perfectly normal for those feelings to come up during greco-roman wrestling. - so, when was the last time we saw miss jenkins? - when she left the island to get married. - monday, august 17th, 1974. yeah. sun glistened off her honey blonde hair
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- oh my god, put on a black dress and a leg brace and it's signorina sabatino. - hi, hi. - [helen] hey, remember miss jenkins? - remember her? i was her favorite student. i used to tell her who was cheating, who was late, who was smoking, who didn't have their homework. - that was you? we stuck susie miller's head in the toilet for nothing. - she's on brian's next flight. - oh god. i hope i don't run into her. she always had such high hopes for me. gonna break her heart to see me like this, divorced and having to sponge off my sister. - i know. breaks my heart too. - [joe] oh my god, there she is. wow. she still looks incredible. - hey, you think she still remembers us? - i don't know, let's go talk to her. - no, you go first. (bickering)
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- oh, wait a minute, you're... - young lady, get those donuts out of your mouth. - oh, helen chapel, i didn't recognize you. you go so thin. - yes. well, i'm happy to say that food is no longer an important part of my life. - oh, that's wonderful, what do you do now? - i run the lunch counter. - is that joe hackett and brian? (nervous giggling) (nervous giggling) - hi, miss jenkins. now, brace yourself, i know this may be a big disappointment but i haven't exactly lived up to all the wonderful hopes and dreams you always had for me. - i'm sorry, do i know you? - it's me, casey. casey. casey chapel. - helen's sister?
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- well, after my divorce, i wanted to get back into teaching. a job opened up here so i took it. - sandpiper flight 22 to boston is now boarding at gate one. - i better hurry, that's my flight, i'm going to boston for the day. - yes, i know. i'm your pilot. - well, i own the airline. - we own the airline. - yeah, but i started it and i did it all by myself. - we better get going, miss jenkins. - great to see you, helen. and casey? - you too. oh... - you know, i just had a thought, it's career week at school and i think the kids would get a kick out of hearing a former student talk about being a pilot. - oh, i'll do it. - [brian] no, i'll do it. - [joe] no, that's no fair, you get to fly her. - tough noogies. - now, now, boys, boys. why don't you both do it? come by, say, about 10 o'clock? - great, we'll be there. hey, lowell, look who's here. - hello, miss jenkins.
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- maybe we better get going, huh? - it's so nice to see you all. - yeah, you too, have a great flight. - goodbye, miss jenkins. (lively piano music) - get this. instead of landing on runway 23, (giggling) i landed on runway 32. boy, i bet the faa had a whale of a time figuring that one out. so you see? being a pilot does have its lighter moments. so, are there any questions? yeah? - yeah. is it possible to actually die of boredom? (bell rings) - oh, wow, have i been talking for the whole hour? - [class] yes! - let's thank mr. hackett, everyone. - look, i'm sorry, but i've gotta run out, i gotta take a flight. - thanks for coming, joe.


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