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man on radio: now for our first caller. you're on the air, sir. caller: i want to complain about that new factory they put up over on central avenue. now, that's an ugly building-- and an eyesore. and among other things, it's going to create parking problems and traffic jams. and--and for crying out loud, haven't we got enough smog already? aw, did you hear that? oh, yeah, yeah. and now for some music. oh, mont, don't you care in your community? of course i care what's happening in the community. more specifically, the block. narrowing it down, this house. pinpointing it, this sofa. and hitting it on the head, this cushion. oh, lamont, that factory is right here in this neighborhood. as a matter of fact, it's right down the street on this very block. yeah, i know all about that factory, denise.

hing, and this is the time and the place. oh, lamont, you're a shallow, uninvolved person. no, i'm not. look, if i wanted to, i could call that station and tell them a few things-- if i wanted to. well, so, go right ahead. go on. tell them right now. oh, there's no way in the world you're going to get me to call up that radio station and talk to them people and make a fool out of myself. lamont... there ain't no way you going to get me to do that. i would only give myself totally to a man that gets involved-- really involved. what's the number of that station? 555-3211. you want involvement? i'll give you involvement. some involvement. 3211. [sighs] uh, hello. is this the talkback show?

am i on the air? good. well, i just want to say-- i want to make a comment about that guy that called about the factory. now, that factory might be an ugly building and an eyesore and everything, but it takes millions of people off unemployment and welfare and gives them steady jobs. in fact... i would do all that i could to encourage more trade in the area... to make jobs available for people that want to work and give them steady employment and pride and dignity, so they can hold their heads up high. it's one thing to have trouble breathing, and it's another thing to have trouble eating.

come here. [no audio] what's happening, son? hey, pop, what are you doing here? i thought you and grady went to the drive-in movie. we did, son, but, see, after the movie, they were going to raffle off a turkey. so? so, a lady left early and backed over him. yeah. it was terrible. they even took him to the vet, but it was too late. the poor thing was doa. that's drumstick on arrival. hey, it's getting pretty late, you know? well, you haven't introduced us to your lady friend.

how do you do? hi. hello, darling. yeah. it is getting late, though. fred, i'll see you. lamont, take-- oh, and it's nice meeting you, dennis. denise. yeah, denise. denise the "menice." ah ha ha! hey, listen, girl. uh, denise, can i get you something? oh, no, thank you. well, would you excuse us for a minute? sure. en, father? excuse us. i'm just going to have a little involvement with my dad. hey, man, what's the matter with you? listen, son, i know everything that's going on here, and that's your business. oh, i was hoping you'd understand. i mean, if you want to stay down here with that girl, that's your business. thank you. i mean, if you want to be hugging and kissing her all night, that's your business. i appreciate it. but when she smacks your face, and the police come here and arrest me for harboring a sex maniac, then that's my business,

hey, man, i'm not going-- [whistling] would you knock off the whistling? it's bothering me. [whistling] will you stop it? i can't, son. it's the theme song from the movie i saw last night. see, it was a science fiction western. it was called blazing werewolves. see, it's all about this werewolf that hid his six-shooter up under a wide flea collar. [knock on door] come in. hey, mr. sanford. mmm...

e is up. would you dig yourself, pop? listen, as confucius once said, "if you don't want an order of knuckles in your face, then get your pork and noodles out my place." hey, man, ignore him. ignore who? ha ha! listen, man, i got to tell you... i listened to you last night, and it sounded fantastic. hat girl out of here. huh? that's not what he's talking about, pop. see, i called up the talkback show, and i said a few things, that's all. that's all? oh, listen, i'm telling you, it was terrific, man. the whole neighborhood is talking about it. what'd you say? well, i just, you know-- oh, he was, like, angry. he talked about old people and unemployment and ugly buildings.

ish everybody would leave me alone, man. i got some work to do around here. i'll get this, son. don't worry about it. i'll make them leave you alone. don't you worry about a thing. you're lamont sanford. yes, sir, i am. who are you? and you're perfect-- absolutely perfect. [snaps fingers] hey, wait a minute. i know you. i saw you on television at the last election on the mayor's platform. correct. uh... will you hold this for me, please? ahem. james montgomery cambridge-- mover of men, past holder of public office, servant to the people. and who are you? fred g. sanford-- mover of junk, present holder of this stinking cigar, and servant to this dummy. say, why don't you have a seat there, mr. cambridge?

ou? correct. and we've learned that the radio station reported public opinion to your call at 90% positive. and all morning long, my office has been having phone calls, telegrams. it's incredible. well, that's nice and everything, but it's, you know-- nice? what do you think of that, mr. sanford, huh? hold this. ah. now shove it up your nose. lamont, i'll get to the point. you are the perfect candidate to run for the office of state assemblyman in this district. assemblyman? me? hey, man, i didn't even graduate from high school. oh, well, lamont, that doesn't matter. you're down to earth.

you should run for deodorant. look, i... i appreciate all the nice flowery speeches you're making, mr. cambridge, but i'm just not interested. now, lamont, i beg you to reconsider. your state is calling you. no, man-- definitely not. oh, well, all right. i guess i'll just have to cancel your fundraising dinner. fundraising? your state is calling you. now, now, hurry up and answer before they hang up. uh, ahem. lamont, by the way, just in passing, an assemblyman does earn about 20,000 a year. my son, serving his country with honesty and youth, serving his voters with integrity and pride, and serving his father with a new truck and a color tv. [knock on door]

hey, everybody. say, lamont, you mind signing these postcards? i promised the fellas down at the barber shop that i would get your autograph. do you hear that, lamont? why, every one of those autographs represents a vote. and a dime. you charging a dime for lamont's autograph? no, fred. that's what they offered. the dime was their idea. why, that's magnificent. i wanted a dollar. say, look, wait a minute. now, this whole thing is getting all out of hand, semblyman and signing autographs. you running for the assembly? hey, that's terrific, lamont. you can make a fortune. you can make a fortune. plus, you get $20,000 a year salary. hey, pop, would you stop it? just stop it. mr. cambridge, the point is, i'm just not qualified for the job. qualified? what do you mean, qualified? the man is talking about politics, not brain surgery.

at the department of motor vehicles, i took the liberty of having your driver's license photo put onto this poster. well, it is a nice likeness. a very good likeness. now, why don't you reconsider it, huh? come on. come on, lamont. i mean... good for this district. all right, i'll do it. so, you have decided to answer the call, huh, son? yep. mr. cambridge, my son is going to take the call.

you don't never stay home like you used to. why don't you stay home sometimes so we could talk like we used to-- sit on the couch and watch television or somethin'? you could stay overnight and watch a good horror or somethin'. there's one of those monster pictures on tonight. your favorite. it's called teenage frankenstein meets the acne doctor.

t debate tonight on television with harriet radner. how could you forget that? well, if you can forget your father, i can forget a television debate. oh, man. hey, look, i'm sorry. look, i know we haven't been spending any time together. but look, i promise you, pop, as soon as all of this is over, we'll spend a lot of time together, ok? hey, i got a good idea. why don't you come down to the television station and watch me? no, that's all right. you go ahead. i'll just stay home, and i'll wait in case somebody calls, you know, takin' a poll to find out who's the lonesomest old man in town. well, i gotta be runnin' off, pop. take care now. ain't goin' nowhere. gonna move to sacramento

[knock on door] come on in. hey, fred. hey, grady. now, listen, fred... grady, i don't know what to do. i'm gonna miss lamont so much. yeah, but listen, fred. when he move up to sacramento, i'll be in this house all by myself. yeah, but listen, fred... i feel so low... listen, fred... and despondent. fred. i mean, jeez, i'm just depressed. well, listen, fred, the--the swingin' satler sisters i ain't never felt this good. what? the satler sisters comin' over here? yeah, yeah. when they comin' over? well, any minute now. well, let's get together-- get some party stuff together. well, now, i got the party stuff. i went out and got some potato chips and a bag of pretzels and, a... a--a whole bottle of silver sec, and i even got us some cigars, so that we can offer the ladies our tiparillos.

what we'll do, we'll sit down and pour us a little drink so when they get here, we be lookin' cool. yeah, and suav?. yeah, and swave. yeah! ha ha ha! [knock on door] there they are. our little pigeons. right on time. 2 little pretty pigeons. comin'. comin', pretty pigeons. welcome, my two lovely pigeons. hey, grady, it must be magic. our 2 pretty pigeons turned into an ugly buzzard. just as i thought. drinkin', smokin', and wallowin' in a snake pit of evil. listen, cobra face... what are you doin' here anyway? that's all right. don't tell me. i know. you came here to tell me and grady that you came in first

m here in my official capacity to tell you that lamont has made me chairman of his committee... pfft. on morality and virtue. pfft. hey! shut up, grady! your son, as a politician, cannot afford to associate with a evil-doin' father and his heathenish friends. so from now on, in this house, there will be no more drinkin' and no smokin'. praise the lord! and pass the ammunition. you go ahead on and break that, honey, 'cause you won't be needin' that no more 'cause i just saw the satler sisters and sent them away. grady: no, you didn't. you did what? you heard me. oh, no.

you're right, esther. i--i--i--i've been wrong. i've listened to you, and i'm--i'm gonna make a deal with you. it's about time. i'm gonna let you put some salvation in my ear... then i'm gonna put some lead in yours. federally funded, low-cost housing few years, and we have yet another ghetto. [applause] [clears throat] thank you, thank you. "in--in reply to my honorable

"all i will say about the housing problem is that it is a problem." grady: wow. "but i assure you that myself and my staff "will look into the subject with all the diligence at our command." thank you. [applause] now that the 2 candidates have had a chance to meet each other face to face, we'll take a one minute break and then come back for the debate. hey, fred, lamont's doin' great. he's gonna win by a landslide. yeah, and i'll be under it. lamont don't care about me no more. oh, come on, fred. i mean, he'll move to sacramento and leave me in that house all by myself. oh, now, don't say that. you know what? i'm gonna leave. sir, sir, excuse me, sir. no, fred, don't. i couldn't help overhearing. um, did you have something to say? somethin' to say? uh... y'all want somethin' to say?

or something to say to one of the candidates. you see, we're newsmen, and we like to hear somethin' that's newsworthy. oh, you're newsmen. that's right, sir. yeah, i got somethin' to say to--to the candidate. i just wanna say it to the honorable and distinguished dummy here. you go right ahead, sir. i know i asked you to be an assemblyman for the money, but i don't want you to be an assemblyman for the money. come home. you make a better junkman. sir, sir, uh, are you related to mr. sanford? damn right i'm related to him! i'm his long lost father! i see. come on home, son. sir? sir, excuse me. you, uh, you do realize that we're on television. i--huh? we're on television, sir. we--we on television now? uh, yes, sir. that camera right there. e-e-everything we said was on television? yes, sir. everything. and--and it's live now. right there, sir. y'all excuse me a minute. can you back up a little bit? yes, sir.

? more than words can say ? ? if i didn't care ? ? would i feel this way? ?

where you goin'? somewhere...anywhere. don't make no difference. you don't care. aw, come on, pop. that's right. you don't care. you gonna move to sacramento, and there ain't nothin' here for me. i might as well just walk outside that door and fade on into the sunset.

look, i do care, man. i've withdrawn my candidacy, i've quit. yeah, you quit because i embarrassed you. yes, you embarrassed me, but, look, i finally realized that i wasn't qualified, man. what the people need is somebody that knows what's going on in the community, and that person is harriet radner. i think she'll make a fine assemblywoman, and it's not your fault. it is my fault, too. it's all my fault. i feel like just walking down the street aw, come on, pop. i think i'll stop by sanctified city and pour my soul out to reverend spike. well, if you think it'll make you feel better. it'll make me feel better, son. hey, fred, will you please come on? our pretty little pigeons are waiting out here in the truck!

really.