[ "the tonight show" theme ] >> here's johnny! [ music ] [ cheering continues ] >> i thank you. >> hiyo!

thank you! [ chuckling ] thank you very much. that's very nice. [ wild cheering continues ] thank you. i oughta thank you-- that's very nice of you. thank you, for that belching ovation. [ laughter ] you know, you see, you, uh, put a lie to that old show business axiom, that, on thanksgiving day, because of the turkey-- they say studio audiences are no good. >> the turkey. >> but you sound like you are wired, tonight [ wild cheering ] i wish you, uh, probably for the hundredth time, happy thanksgiving, today. and everybody on the staff. >> happy thanksgiving. >> happy thanksgiving. >> um, we commemorate, today, of course, what, uh, happened, that first thanksgiving, when one pilgrim turned to the other and said, "wait, a minute. before you stuff that loaf of bread with turkey, this indian has an interesting idea." [ laughter ]

[ chuckling ] i wasn't too sure o' that, myself. [ laughter ] you know, you think about it, one thing we have to be thankful for-- the pilgrims shot a turkey. [ laughter ] suppose they'da gone out and shot a raccoon? [ laughter ] or a squirrel. you coulda-- you coulda just finished a wonderful squirrel dinner. i don't mind that, so much, but it's tomorrow, when you have that cold squirrel sandwich. [ laughter ] >> whoa. >> whoo! >> how cold? >> wha-- [ kl i, uh-- to be honest with you, my thanksgiving was not all that great. uh-- >> oh? >> my dinner-- no, my-my lawyer called. i got the gizzard and the feet. [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ chuckling ] but-- this is a-- [ laughing ] it's a sentimental holiday, thanksgiving. you know, people-- get together with your friends, and i-i always wax nostalgic,

back to my youth, on the plains of nebraska, and-- [ one person applauding ] are you-- [ laughter ] are you from nebraska? >> yes. >> whereabouts? >> tecumseh. >> yeah, i know where that is. yeah. nice city. anyway. [ laughter ] now, i'm not saying this for sympathy, but we were-- we were kinda poor. >> how poor, johnny? >> y-- [ chuckling ] see what i mean? [ laughter ] now, when my mother could afford a turkey, she'd stuff it with shredded newspaper. [ some laughter ] uh... well, it was filling, and, uh-- you could read "dick tracy" in your gravy. [ laughter ] weird joke. but they really had the thanksgiving spirit here in hollywood. all the hollywood producers went down to skid row, uh, gave-gave telephone slips to the needy, and promised they'd get back to them. [ laughter ] you know, the turkey, if you think about it, is not the prettiest, most attractive-- >> no. >> bird, in the fowl kingdom. it is an ugly-lookin' bird.

did you know that? [ some laughter ] d'ya know how turkeys mate? they both close their eyes and think of a swan. [ laughter ] actually, i understand that the-the tom turkey has, really, no trouble mating. he just walks up to the hen turkey and says, "gimme a break. i only have a year to live." [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> no, no. oh, no, no, no, no. no, no, it's not necessary. [ laughter ] okay. i asked ed, today-- with the leftovers?" and ed says, "what's that?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] but, anyway, on this day, i guess, officially, the first, uh, pilgrims set down, at plymouth rock, and somebody said, "why don't we vite-- invite the indians for dinner?" and a young pilgrim turned and said, [ imitating ronald reagan ] "well, i don't wanna sit down, at the table."

i hope you're all with your families, today. um-- families come, i guess, from all over the country-- >> yeah. >> to be with their family, on one day a year, and then ignore each other, while they watch football. [ laughter ] how many of you watched the parade today? there were a lotta parades on. [ some applause ] uh, yeah. it was hosted by larry hagman. >> yeah. >> and, ya know, when you think the war-warmth of the holiday season, the first thing that comes to mind is j.r. ewing. [ laughter ] i liked the th-- the parade, in new york city. it's the one day where to find a cop. [ some laughter ] it's not a big joke. it's just kind of a social commentary. [ some laughter ] we do not have, uh, the big parade, like macy's, here in los angeles, but, on rodeo drive, in beverly hills, they have the mercedes day parade. [ laughter ] santa comes through, driving a 450 sl, with a license-- with a personalized license plate that says "fatty1." [ laughter ] [ applause ]

you're in a good mood, tonight. we have a very good show for you. we have mr. robert blake, who is here, tonight. [ applause ] [ cheering ] we have a young impressionist. i think this is his first appearance, with us. uh, he is from toronto, canada. his name is jim carrey. [ applause ] [ cheering ] a, uh-- a gentleman by the name of bud greenspan. uh, bud does a lotta work, for the olympics. he makes the official olympic film. he's kind of a sports historian and, uh, documentarian. he's got some interesting film, tonight. and, uh-- [ cheering ] [ applause ] we got some cards next. so, thanks, for comin'. we'll be right back. [ "the tonight show" theme ] we'll be right back. thank you. thank you. attention: are you eligible for medicare? the medicare enrollment deadline is just a few days away. changes to medicare plans could impact your healthcare costs. are you getting all the benefits available to you?

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[ music ] [ applause ] >> okay. >> hello, there. [ cheering ] >> happy thanksgiving. >> i know-- yes.

>> by now, we're on, late at night, and everybody in the country has wished everybody a thanksgiving. >> that's right. >> but, for an-- everybody on "the tonight show," you and your family-- we hope you had a-- >> yeah. >> lovely holiday, with your friends, relatives. >> do you realize this is our 26th thanksgiving we've spent together? >> you're kidding. >> no. >> i didn't know that. >> twenty-six years. [ applause ] [ cheering ] and, when i met you, you changed my whole life, about thanksgiving, 'cause i didn't know the true story. but you told me that wonderful, intimate story about squanto, the indian, that the-- that's not in that i've ever seen. >> now, they don't know what you're talking about. >> i know, but you told me about him, and i never knew about that. [ chuckling ] >> what was he, one of the gowie tribe? what was he-- >> now, i-i must tell you-- >> he-he was one o' the gowies, wasn't he? >> you have no idea what you're talkin' about. years ago, [ chuckling ] we did a show, on abc, called "who do you trust?" it was on, in the afternoon. >> live. >> it was a c-comedy quiz show. it was live. and one of the sponsors was the a-amana company. the amana company makes amana freezers and, uh, other appliances. and, uh, i guess their home office is in iowa. >> mmm-hmm. >> it's almost like a religious-- >> it's an aman--

fine products. and, on this particular [ chuckling ] thanksgiving, they sponsored "who do you trust?" at 3:30 in the afternoon, on abc. and... >> they had a two-minute live commercial. >> he had to stand up. and it wasn't really a commercial. it was a nice, uh, almost a soliloquy about how our first thanksgiving started, and a little history of how the pilgrims came here. and they were befriended by, uh, an old indian named squanto. that was the indian's name. told 'em how to plant corn. and we got to one o' those days. i guess we'd been at sardi's, and we were feeling really silly. and, as ed was tryna deliver this-- >> solemn. kind of a solemn commercial. >> solemn, lovely spirit of thanksgiving day address, i was making references, just out of view of the camera, and-- just so he could hear me-- about squanto and what kind of a person he really was. [ laughter ] made several references to his upbringing, his heritage, uh, his, uh, sexual preferences. it wasn't-- [ laughter ] and poor ed is sitting there-- >> oh.

in this business and you know somebody's tryna put you on. you put your fingernails-- >> mmm-hmm. >> and press, as hard as you can, into your hand. at the end of that two-minute-- [ chuckling ] >> i was bleeding. [ some laughter ] i really was bleeding. to try to stay straight, 'cause these people are spending a lotta money. >> it was not one of our-- >> and you were saying these terrible things. >> terrible things. i apologize-- >> yeah. >> to squanto. he was a fine indian. >> he was a wonderful indian. he was a brave soul. >> yes, he was. >> and he did fool around with squaws. [ laughing ] we handed out some cards, here. um. you don't have to yell out your name, unless you want to... just yell out your name. cathy lobitz? she yelled out her name. >> when i meant "yelling," cathy, i mean-- you know. where ya from, cathy? [ laughing ] [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> cathy's obviously having more fun, in the audience, than we are. [ laughter ] where ya from, dear? >> new jersey. >> from new jersey, all right. [ some applause and cheering ] okay. here's what cathy wants to know. "are you in the market for a new woman?" [ laughter ] [ laughing ] is that where you find new women-- in the market? >> i suppose. [ laughter ]

[ chuckling ] >> i didn't know. no, really not in the market, at-at this point. no, i'm kinda, as they say, um, fallow, right now. >> yes. [ some laughter ] >> no, that does-- no, "fallow" means, like, you-- well, you know what i mean. [ laughter ] uh, i can't read the... chris... domini? where're you from, chris and-- >> bethesda, maryland. >> uh-huh, okay. [ some applause ] "would you stand in the rain, to watch your show?" [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] i-- that's-- good question. i do-- i don't think i'd stand in the rain, to watch indira gandhi do a one-and-a-half into a vat of tapioca. [ laughter ] that's very nice that you did, anyway. um. clem roupe? [ some cheering ] from new orleans. that's a good city, new orleans. >> great city. >> "what do you find most rewarding about

i guess. >> laughter. >> yeah, laughter. and being able to steal old wonder woman costumes. [ laughter ] >> al sterky? stucky? stoky? am i getting close? [ laughter ] >> al? >> am i getting close, al? >> where are ya? >> right here. >> w-w-what is it, al? the last name. i'm sorry. >> stucky. >> stucky. >> stucky. >> all right. that make you the stuccee. >> that's right. [ laughing ] >> famous nanny. "what a house o' stucco, and you--" >> "and you is the stuccee [ laughter ] "how many years before you can retire?" i-i think, um-- i dunno. what's the official nbc retirement age? >> there's no real age. >> actually, what they do-- they-they don't retire. they put you out to stud. [ laughter ] >> you could go, any day. >> y-- [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ cheering ] just-- go to a little farm in kentucky, and breed new hosts. [ laughter ]

hope mclean stevenson hasn't eaten all the grass. >> that's right. [ laughter ] >> jack ka-kansila? is that right, jack? [ cheering ] "what did linda do with the brush, last night?" now, if you didn't see the show, uh, we did a silly thing, last night. probably the dumbest, not-- most ludicrous thing i've ever done. we had four young ladies, up here, and we said, "would ya like to take a shower, with a star?" we had an actual shower, on stage, with running water. and the ladies had rain gear on, and i was standing behind the-the panel. i did have-- now, people thoht >> no. you had briefs. >> uh, i did have something-- i had little briefs on, cause-- behind the glass. 'cause i would not get in a-a shower, with strangers. [ laughter ] nude. i would have to at least be introduced. [ laughter ] say something like-- >> i introduced linda. >> say something like, "how are you?" [ laughter ] then, you can make a move. uh. anyway, linda was a free-spirited kinda girl, and she had a long brush, which she was wielding, uh, in a strange manner. [ laughter ] you have to figure it

"what restaurant can i find you in, after the show?" asks jean-- yannick? yenik? no, i'm goin' to dinner, with my, uh-- my brother and sister, my kids, and so forth. how 'bout you? >> i'm going out to s-- malibu. not to your place. to another place. >> oh, good. i though-- [ laughter ] god, i thought, "did i invite him?" [ laughing ] [ laughter ] >> uh, c-- the last name is carreca? c-a-r-r-e-c-a. singe-- uh, ginger? >> yay! >> yay "why can't out-of-state people get tickets to this show?" [ some applause and cheering ] >> wait, a minute, there's no-- >> their arms aren't long enough. i-- [ laughter ] why-- >> ride in. they get tickets. >> you can get tickets. >> people from out of state are here, tonight! >> wh-- well, of course they can. >> certainly. >> certainly. >> wh-wh-what makes ya think you can't get tickets, if your out of state? >> they won't send 'em to us. >> no, i really-- i-i don't know how they mail 'em in. maybe they-- people have to be here. i really don't know. would you check into that, fred? >> yes, sir. >> sure.

[ some laughter ] lydia-lydia ortiz? >> i'm here! [ applauding ] >> hey, how ya doin', lydia? "if i could have a birca-- if--" oh, she'd like to know if she could have "a birthday kiss, handshake, anything. my birthday is today." really? >> really! >> well, happy birthday. >> happy birthday. >> yeah, we'll-we'll-- send up something. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> now, h-here's a loaded question. jeff tocar. where're you, jeff? [ some applause and cheering ] ah. cadet, at west point. "what will be the score of e [ laughing ] >> hey! >> no, i'd say-- i don't know whether the army or navy out-outnumbers the audience here, tonight. [ laughter ] >> but you know the numbers. you know the score. [ some yelling ] you know the score! >> what's the score? >> twenty-three to 14. >> army. >> we don't know who wins, but that's the score. >> yeah, yeah. that's-- any-- [ some laughter ] no, that's-that's tough. i dunno. it should be a good game, though. you were in the marines. >> yes. >> i was in-- i was in the navy. >> yes. >> so... [ applause ] emotionally, i have to-- emotionally, i have to root for the navy. but my dad was a-- [ some applause and cheering ]

[ some applause and cheering ] and my sister was a hostage. [ laughter ] >> you'll probably enjoy halftime. >> yes. uh. "i came all the way from kansas, to see you. would you come to kansas, to see me?" says-- [ laughter ] asks connie richardson. where're you, connie? >> here. >> long as you don't live in lawrence, kansas, i would come to see you. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] kansas-- good state. that's just south of where i used to live, in nebraska. did you know that? >> sure. >> you didn't know that. [ some laughter ] is that a big secret? >> that's right. anybody can look that up. mabel m-matherno? >> yay! >> how do ya pronounce your last name, mabel? >> mathari. >> matha-- m-m-- >> mathari. >> mathari. i'm sorry about that. new orleans. "how is your love life?" [ laughter ] about the same as the hindenburg's air speed.

so, not, uh-- [ laughing ] >> jeff, from san diego. wants to know if i've ever waited in line, for three years, to see anything, in his life. for three hours! to see-- probably seems like three years, out there. >> no, i don't thi-- you? >> no. >> once, in guam. >> yeah? [ laughter ] >> wait-wait in line, three hours. >> was it worth it? >> no, it was tanya, with the, uh, twirling-- [ laughter ] twirling freckles, or something. "h last night, with the girls?" well, we already touched on that. "what was the most embarrassing moment, as host of 'the tonight show?' " i think the night that little creature climbed up on top of my head and did a-- [ laughter ] did a-- did a number. how dudley moore got up there, i'll never know. [ laughter ] no, that really wasn't embarrassing. >> no. >> that was kind of a-- >> weird. >> what was the most embarrassing, uh-- >> i dunno. >> all right. let's see what-- "what other profession would you have gone into,

asks joshua bloom. where are ya, josh? >> up here! >> okay, josh. where ya from? >> originally, or now? [ laughter ] >> i know where ya are now, josh. [ laughter ] [ some applause ] where-where were ya, before you-- >> originally. >> where were ya, before you came in here? >> originally from baltimore. >> okay. [ some applause and cheering ] what would i have been? i dunno. i was gonna-- i wanted to be a lawyer, once. >> yeah? really wanted to be a lawyer. should've. i coulda saved myself a bundle! [ laughter ] [ applause ] [ laughing ] >> what were you-- what would you wanna be? >> i told ya, an architect. i'd love to be an architect. >> that's right. you wanted to be an architect. >> but you have that secret desire. very few people want that, or do that work, anymore. >> well, i don't think there's much call for it, anymore. >> yeah. >> i wanna be a shepherd. >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> great outdoors. >> yeah. >> baa. >> close to the land. >> my piece of bottom land and some sheep. [ chuckling ]

[ laughing ] >> why do i get into that? [ some laughter ] anyway, thanks for the questions. robert blake is gonna be out here, shortly. okay. chex brown ce-- uh, chex brand cereal. >> brand. [ some laughter ] >> uh, not bran. chex brand cereal. presents another great breakfast taste-- new crispy

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[ music ] [ applause ] that old thanksgiving day song. [ humming ] [ laughing ] uh, my first guest is one of the most interesting people i think i know-- robert blake. he, uh, says what's on his mind. he, uh, sometimes is controversial. but he says it as it is. as you know, he won an, uh-- an emmy, for his role as, uh-- in the television series "baretta." and he's here to spend-- i think he was with us last thanksgiving, wasn't he? would you welcome robert blake? [ applause ]

get your security to hang on to, there. [ sighing ] >> wow! okay, deep breath. relax. >> i'm glad that's over. >> yeah. [ chuckling ] >> just the walkout? >> ugh! >> how are ya? >> oh, wonderful! >> good. >> happy, uh-- >> happy bird. >> bird, yes. >> yeah. >> uh, thanksgiving. >> yeah. you were with us last year, weren't ya? if i remember-- >> yes, and i'm thankful to not be dead. [ chuckling ] a year later. >> anothoo >> haven't gone to the... bone orchard. >> the bone orchard? >> i haven't, uh-- [ chuckling ] gone to the hospital. >> well, that's-- >> i ain't at folsom. uh-- >> what more can a man want outta life? [ laughter ] >> that's right. >> miracles galore! [ laughing ] >> i mean-- what a happy, uh-- happy year you've had. >> i-i-- [ chuckling ] >> if you live to be a million-- >> yeah. >> you will never know anybody luckier than me. i mean-- >> really. >> if i could ever write all the times i shoulda

>> yeah. >> but you ain't up here talkin', so i gotta talk about my life. [ laughter ] so, that's all-- >> why don't you write about it? [ laughing ] >> that might be a good, um, catharsis story. >> i've done everything else. yeah, why don't i write about it? >> sure. >> or i could sing about it. or dance about it. no, i don't wanna do any o' those things. >> i think writing would be nice-- >> i, uh, y-- listen. you pay me a handsome sum here to come and talk about it, once every six months. >> oh, hardly-hardly handsome. i mean-- [ laughing ] not a handsome sum. >> depends on where you're livin' and what you're eatin'. >> yeah. >> in my book, today is handsome. >> yeah. where are-- where are you gonna eat, tonight, by >> i had my thanksgiving dinner, in, uh, the dressin' room. >> you're puttin' us on. >> same as i did last year. no, they brought me, uh, a turkey sandwich. >> did shirley send you in a turkey sandwich? >> mayonnaise, and so forth. i brought the kids, this year-- noah and deli. they shared it with me. >> isn't that nice? [ laughing ] yeah, well. >> that's cool. happy thanksgiving. >> you look like, uh, one of the ozzie nelson kids, with that hairdo. what, uh-- [ laughter ] >> you know, it's weird how it came out that way. >> it's a c-- it looks like a crewcut. or hardly a crewcut. >> i got sick o' my hair, 'cause i ain't workin'.

all done, and i looked, and i had a haircut like-- when i was a kid, my heroes looked like that. >> yeah. >> 'member when van johnson went off to war, and spencer tracey said goodbye to him, and he had a butch haircut-- >> yeah. >> and all them people looked like that? and i said, "gee, that's what i went and did." >> i like it. >> lookin' for all them people. yeah, right. anyway. for my next trick-- >> you did this, yourself? >> uh, yeah. well, when i'm not workin', uh, i don't like to sit there and have them people flivitting over my hair. >> yeah. put the dye on, and get outta the shower, and-- >> whaddya mean, you put the dye on? >> i been dyein' my hair, for-- since i was about 20 years old. >> i didn't know-- i didn't know that. >> well, when you had my kinda life, you get grey. [ chuckling ] [ laughter ] >> and only the good dye young. >> like i said, as many times as i was s'posed to die-- every one o' those times, i got a little greyer. >> what-- is your, uh, hair normally my color? >> was that way, when i was 20. >> you're kidding. >> yeah. i don't happen to have

where i can play old people and let it go grey. and i ain't got no steady gig, like you, to let-- [ laughter ] so. >> are you saying i look like abraham lincoln? is that what you're saying? >> no. what i'm sayin' is you have one o' them little, kinda pooncy, young faces. and, if you was out there, lookin' for-- [ laughter ] >> gimme that, again. a poonchy, young face? [ chuckling ] >> what i'm saying is, if you was out there, lookin' for a gig, you'd be dyin' your hair. >> yeah, lemme tell ya what i did, when i was about 40. and it's when it started. and my dad's hair was grey, when he was about 37, 38. it runs in the family. it's genetic. and i started to put-- i'll be honest with you-- the clairol stuff in it. great day, or something like that. [ chuckling ] you go through all this, and then you put the cap on. you sit around, lookin' like a-- [ laughter ] ya know? and have to put it on for 20 minutes, and that-- but the trouble is, if you don't do it on a regular basis, the hair keeps kinda zipping in and out, and, sometimes, it's not quite the right color. the next time, it's a little greyer. and then, it would be a little blacker. and i finally said, "enough o' that." and i just knocked it off, and let it go.

right now, to complain about whichever color it is. i can go in the shower and come out and have the rainbow. it don't make no difference. >> yeah. [ laughter ] well, i can do that, too. >> i'm on the same program-- [ laughter ] what's that program you said? the fallow program? >> um, f-- >> i'm on that same program. >> you're in the-- in the fallow period. >> semen retention program. >> the way you feel, yes. [ chuckling ] oh, well... [ laughter ] >> one way to stay outta trouble. >> never-never-never heard o' that. [ laughing ] >> if you can't do nothin' right, don't do nothin' wrong. >> "thte i never-never heard it put that way. are you being ch-- are you being chased? is that what you're trying to say? >> uh. yeah. well, that's a kind of a religious expression, to which i don't know was applicable, under the circumstances. [ laughter ] well, you-- >> that sort of applies to a priest. mine is more like, ya know-- >> voluntary, uh-- >> yeah, just-- >> yeah. >> guy does a lotta walkin'. >> yeah. >> as long as ya don't-- don't' get on the phone, don't talk to nobody-- if they say hello, don't say hello back. sleep by yourself, stand by yourself. if you can't do nothin' right, don't do nothin' wrong. that's what i'm doin'.

>> you tell me. i'm just rowin', you-- >> what a fun life! [ laughter ] what a-- what a fun-filled life. okay, we-- lemme take a break, and we'll come-- >> oh, great! no, i ain't got nothin' else! >> n-- oh, yes, ya do. we gotta sell something, here. and then, we'll come back. we'll delve into this. >> okay. [ applause ]

[ music ] [ applause ] >> shaughnessy, tearin' 'em up! [ cheering ] >> okay. >> lemme tell you somethin'. >> sure! why not? >> just-just very brief. before we get into my big, dynamic contract-- [ chuckling ] and the money i'm makin', and all that stuff. you talk about bein' thankful. >> yeah. >> this a-- this a kind of a, uh, uh, uh, spiritual experience. i've had things like this happen to me, all my life. ya know, i talk about somebody watchin' my store? >> right. >> there really is. i was-- you know, i'm cleanin' up, and makin' friends, and apologize, and gettin' all straight, and all like that. and i don't drink, and don't dope, and ev-- i was at the gym, the other day, right? >> right. >> and i'm workin' out,

or whatever. and there was, like, very few people there. and, uh, this guy starts leanin' on me, out of the blue. "hey, baretta, where's your bird, man? [ mumbling ] say, weren't you little beaver? didn't you wear the feather hat?" and, all of a sudden, i was back on the school ground, when i was a kid. >> mmm-hmm. >> and they're takin' my pants off and, uh, makin' fun o' me, for bein' in "our gang" and "little beaver" and all that stuff. and i just-- i felt it happen, man. and i knew... it was gonna happen. and it was nobody around, to stop me. there wasn't nobody coulda stopped me, anyway. >> you killed him. >> i was going to. [ laughter ] i knew i wasn't gonna hit him. >> yeah. >> 'cause i was lookin' at his throat. and i was thinkin', "wouldn't it be nice if i had his adam's apple in my hand?" i say, "say, jim, you can't talk no more. ha! ain't that funny?" [ some laughter ] and, inside me, i heard, "not this time, mickey." >> uh-huh. >> now, i ain't been called mickey, since i'm, like, eight years old. that's my real name.

"not this time, mickey." it was like somethin' pulled me, from the back, and i backed away from this guy. and i didn't do it! >> hmm. >> somethin'-- it was like-- you know when you say there's somethin' that keeps you-- that makes you look up, when that car's comin' at you-- >> right. >> or that makes that thing happen. >> instinct, or whatever. >> i walked outta that gym, and i sat there for an hour, waitin' for that guy to come out, 'cause i'm still gonna kill him, out on the curb. >> only because he was... giving a little, uh-- >> well, when ya been where i been-- >> yeah. >> and you're as insecure as i am, in the first place, and all them little kids been sayin, 'cause you was in the movies? ah!" and all those times-- >> yeah. >> that-- it doesn't take all that much. >> we're all guilty of that, ya know. there's a wonderful book called-- that i read, some years ago, called "the child within us." which means that, even though you're an adult, very often, your emotions, as a child, still rule you, as an adult. >> well, you can just skip that part about being adult. >> and you'll-- and you'll revert to it, all of a sudden. >> oh, yeah! yeah, i revert, unless somebody's watchin' the store. now get on to the-- i just wanna say that, 'cause-- >> what? >> everybody's out there, tryna figure out somethin' to be thankful for. >> well, that's good to know.

'cause i'd a' been dead, long gone, many times before. >> yeah. >> now, see? i got this gig. >> yeah. >> i just gotta tell you this, because this-- another thing to be thankful-- i got the best job i have ever had in my life. >> well, good. >> for two years, i am under contract, to columbia. and they payin' me $1100 jillion, a year-- >> yeah. >> for these two years, and i ain't done nothin'. [ some laughter ] i had one meeting, with the boss. he'd been there-- i'd been there about three or four months, and they're payin' it's more'n i got on "baretta." and he-- i sat down at the big ol' table with him. he says, "now, look." i says, "okay, you're the boss. whaddya want me to do?" >> yeah. >> he says, "don't do nothin'." [ laughter ] he said, "only way you're gonna get in trouble with me is if you talk to anybody with a suit on." >> that's right. >> he said, "don't go near a network--" >> don't attack the executives. >> "don't answer the phone." >> right. >> "if jesus calls you, put 'im on hold." >> on-on hold. [ laughter ] >> "tell him talk to me." and, for three months, i don't even know

if he was layin' there, dead, i wouldn't know what the hell he looks-- i know his name is herman. >> right. >> and he's cool. and that's my job. i'm goin' crazy! >> how long do have-- how long do you have to do this, now? >> two years! well, i mean, i know that they figured on-on-- you know, they're gonna make some'in' outta the deal. >> yeah. >> but-but i ain't got nothin' to do with it. >> that's-- >> and, like, there been people offerin' jobs, and i say, "say, herman! i'm gonna do this job," and, like, one of his henchmans comes down. they give me a big office. >> i don't think "henchmen" is the right word, there. you see, that's-- [ laughter ] this may be part of the problem, right there. [ chuckling ] >> one of his assistants. >> one of his assistants. one o' them people. one of those assistants. yeah, i know those people. >> how's your love life, by the way? >> huh? >> how's your social life? >> my, uh-- well. i just-- like i said, i should go to bakersfield and find some trucker's widow, livin' in a trailer, with two kids. i-i just-- i don't know, man. i ain't doin'-- i go to beverly hills and rodeo drive and-- you know-- [ laughing ] see-- on rodeo drive, from-from six feet away, everybody is a 10.