captioning made possible by sony pictures television [sanford and son theme song playing]

to replace your totaled new car. the guy says they didn't make the mistake. you made the mistake. i beg your pardon? he says, you should have chosen full-car replacement. excuse me? let me be frank, he says. you picked the wrong insurance plan. no. i picked the wrong insurance company. with liberty mutual new car replacement?, we'll replace the full value of your car plus depreciation. call 1-844-756-4653. you qualify for a multi-policy discount, saving you money on your car and home coverage. call liberty mutual for a free quote today. at 1-844-756-4653. that's 1-844-756-4653. liberty stands with you?

look, pop, all we want to have is a-- is a nice, friendly, relaxed game of poker. well, listen, i'm nice, and i'm friendly, and i want to play some poker. look how relaxed i am. was it friendly when you asked rollo to pull his pants down 'cause you said he was hiding cards in his underwear? well, listen, son, i--i just-- no, nothing, man. look, your behavior is bad enough, but the reason that i don't want you in the game tonight is 'cause you're a lousy card player. you're always losing, and then you borrow money from me, and you never pay it back. me lose? what gave you that idea? by looking at julio. your shirt looks great on him. well, i'll win it back. you wait and see. no, you won't because you're not playing with us tonight.

i'm not good enough? what makes you think you're so good? look, man, i know i'm good, and i can prove it. since we've been having the poker games here, i've managed to stash away over 60 bucks in winnings. listen, son, let me play with y'all tonight. i mean, you must have 60 bucks stashed somewhere. forget it. look, i gotta split for a minute. i'll be back here in about an hour, and i'd appreciate it if you'd have dinner ready for me 'cause i want to get the game started early. ok, son, i'll have it ready, but--but see, it'll probably be the last meal that i'm gonna fix well, that's good 'cause we haven't had unwanted, tired, broken-down, old body in over a week. hey, you can make fun if you want to, but don't be surprised if you find my heart in the jell-o mold. i can't play with him because he got some money stashed somewhere, and i don't play good enough. he must be some kind of fool. [knocking] all right, all right.

[knocking] all right, all right, all right. fred sanford! al banks! al! jee whiz, al. i can't believe that's you. it's me all right 'cause nobody else would be caught dead in this body. ha ha. hey, that's funny, al. you still got that sense of humor. hey, come on in, al. come on. make yourself at home. listen, i'll tell you what. you sit on down, and i'll go in the kitchen get us a couple of beers. yeah, i'd like that. i know it. yeah. it's been a long time, huh? what you say? i said it's been a long time, huh? no, it ain't been that long. i had me a beer this morning. no, no, no. no, no. i mean between you and i. it's been about 25 years since we have seen each other. we was real pals, wasn't we? mean and lean. yeah, but look at us now. lumpy and dumpy. say, fred, um, would you open this--

a manicure. oh, yeah. you still keep that good manicure, don't you? oh, that's my one luxury, fred. you know, uh, i always was a little vain about my hands. yeah, and i know why, too. because, see, wasn't a guy in the world could stand up to you when it came to playing cards. and you was always one of the best dealers in the world. i don't gamble much anymore. right now, i'm living with my daughter and son-in-law over in that little old apartment. sound like a couple of nice kids. oh, yeah. they're nice all right. presents, like bus tickets for anywhere. but right now, i'm just sort of riding around looking up old friends and not many of 'em left, fred. well, you got one in me, al. don't you forget that. i want you to stay here and have dinner with me tonight. well, are you sure? sure. i don't want to impose on you, but it look like you're already having company. no, see. that's for poker tonight. see, my son lamont is having some of his friends over,

and so are you. now you know, fred, i've known you for a long time. and i can look right up under those eyes, and i can see that you are up to no good. i'm past no good. i'm up to evil and approaching treachery. oh, now careful, fred. no. don't worry about that. see, uh, lamont and his buddies think they're such hotshot card players. oh, and you want me to take 'em down a peg or 2. no. i don't want you to take 'em down a peg or 2. i want you to drive a stake through the heart. all right. look, fred, a little ton can be a lot of fun, but, uh, sometimes feelings can get hurt. well, they ain't gonna get their feelings hurt. see, all i want you to do is win all the money so i can see their faces and then, we'll give them their money back. all right, but what am i gonna do about money? oh, well, look, i got 2 bucks here. here's what we'll do. i got $2.00, and we'll take this notebook and put a dollar on one side and a dollar on the other side

you got a bankroll here big enough to choke a horse. hey, you-- heh heh heh heh! yeah. to say nothing of them 4 jackasses. hey, listen, you go ahead and relax, and i'll go on in here and start dinner. yeah, well what are we gonna have? oh, i'm fixing one of my favorite dips today. see, i take 2 large garlic pars and crush 'em, and then i grate-- i grate 3 great, big onions, and then i wrap it velvetly around a pound of limburger cheese. what--what do you call it? you don't have to call it 'cause you always know where it is. fred, that was some good meal. thanks, al. say, lamont, when are your friends coming over here to play poker? now they'll be here any minute, and i want you to promise me something. now you can watch, but just, you know, don't interfere with nothing 'cause it takes a lot of concentration to play poker, pop. oh, i promise you, son--we'll be good. we'll be very good.

the left. right. no, left. [knocking] oh, hey, julio. hey, lamont. [door shuts] hello there, mr. sanford. pop, say hello to julio. all right. then say hello to your ex-shirt. ha ha ha. that's funny, that's funny. say, julio, that shirt does look good on you. mr. sanford. it would even look better if you washed it. and then-- and starch it and iron it, and then fold it up real neat and shove it up your nose. [knocking] hey, rollo. what's going on, dude? what's happening? hey, everybody, say, you know arms crowder. what's happening?

julio: how you doing, arms? what's happening, man? hey, pops, how's it going? oh, it's pretty good, rollo. uh, crime outside went down 50%. why? 'cause you inside. man. hey, rollo. how come you got here on time, man? say, man, we took the bus. you should've been there, man. the bus driver asked arms for the exact change, so he took a 50 cent piece and tore it in half. hey, look, why don't you shuffle, and let's sit down and play some poker. hey, man, i can dig it. oh, yeah. man, where do i sit? huh? where do i sit? anywhere you want to, brother. fred: say, al. look here, al. uh, here's lamont's friends. i want to introduce you to 'em. hey, fellas, this is my buddy al. this is julio-- hey, al. and rollo-- what's happening, my man? and telephone pole-o. heh heh. hi, fellas. go, lamont. deal the cards, man. a poker game.

listen, don't mess with 'em, man. i'm telling you now. they'll leave you high and dry. he's right, amigo. this is not a game for kids. yeah. we'd ask you to play with us, mr. banks, but, uh, i think the stakes might be just a little too high for you. [chuckles] oh, oh, well, then that's ok. uh, fred, i think i'll run down to the store and get some refreshments for us all, but let me check my cash first. yeah, check your cash. yeah. yeah. look at your cash. hey, why don't you, uh, sit down here and check it right here, brother? pillsbury don't make rolls that big. arms: yeah. hey, wait a second. we just happen to have an extra-- excuse me, mr. sanford. we got an extra chair right here. heh heh heh! mr. sanford, please. hey, look at that. and this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship i can tell. excuse me, mr. sanford, please. well, you mean you fellas are inviting me to play? [all agreeing] listen, man. don't do that. i'm telling you now. no. when i lose 100, i'll quit. that's right.

tting down to play with us, we're gonna let you deal the first hand. and we're playing 7 card stud poker. 7 card stud. oh, heh heh heh. that's all right. he's a little nervous. i'll tell you, i'm glad i didn't eat before i came over here because it looks like we're gonna have fish for dinner. heh heh. uh, that's right. you deal everybody 5 cards, right? heh. no, no, no. that's where you deal everybody 7 cards, but that's a mistake a poker player would make. oh. ha ha ha! [laughter] oh, yeah. well, here we go, fellas, and may the best man win. down and dirty. here we go. that's it. ok. listen. no, no, no. no, al, no. don't play. oh, no. no! oh, oh, oh! ha ha ha ha ha! well, looks like i won again, fellas. heh heh heh heh. lamont: yeah.

look, why don't you fellas deal me out of the next one? you see, i have to run upstairs for a minute. don't go up there and stay too long because i think rollo want to go up there and flush his self to death. ha ha ha. very funny. that was good. hey, wait a minute. take that money with you. oh, i trust everybody. uh-uh. listen, it's better to be safe than sorry and broke. this has got to be the luckiest dude in the world, man. to $15. i lost 10 myself, man. yeah, me, too. 25 bucks i lost. julio: oh, man. sheez. hey, man, nobody's that lucky. i'm gonna go over there and get some more money and get back in the game. wait a minute, son. wait a minute, son. ain't no use. i might as well tell you. there's something i want to tell you about my friend al. hey, man, i knew it. cat's been cheating. fred: no. wait a minute. hey, man, wait a minute. well, bring him. wait a minute.

and i invited him here tonight just to teach you guys that y'all wasn't so smart and everything with your hotshot gambling. but he-- you mean to tell me that you and al had this whole thing set up? yeah, son. see, he's coming right down and give everybody their money back. oh. [sighs] well, i've got to admit, man, he took us clean. yeah. yeah, i guess we deserved it. nice going, pops. i'm not pops, i'm lollipops, and you're the 4 all day suckas. aw, man. he's been gone an awful long time. yeah. he's been gone an awful long time. yeah. heh. aah. wait a minute, fellas. he's coming down. don't get excited. he's coming down and bring the money back. i hope so, man. no question. that's a lot of money, you know. he's gone. gone? yeah, but he left something. the money? no. the window open and a footprint in the soap dish. somebody's gonna pay me back my 25 bucks.

u'll get your money back. d-d-d-don't start nothing. look, you'll get all-- you'll get all the money back. i feel sorry, son. i'm so sorry for you, son. i'm sorry for you, son. you sorry for me? yeah. 'cause i think he's gonna try to make you an orphan. leave him alone. now leave him alone.

who is it? julio. oh, come on in, hoo. hey, man, whatever happened to that guy that beat us for all that money? i don't know, man. my father said he was going down to meet him well, man, i'll tell you something. as far as i'm concerned, forget about my 10 bucks, but you know how upset arms crowder can get. ooh. the remember the late roland jillio. i thought i had arms calm down last night, man. and i walked out in the yard this morning, and he was trying to eat the spare tire off the truck. crazy. i'm worried about him, man. i'm worried. well, now, let's begin by filling out this pink form, shall we? and let's end by getting me

we do the very best we can. well, that's good because if we don't get me a job real quick, we will be signing my death certificate. your name, please? fred sanford. your age? 40. would you repeat that, please? fred sanford. how old did you say you were? 50. education? uh, yes indeed. how much, mr. sanford? well, i figure about 60 bucks a day. no, no, no. how much education have you had? did you go to college? almost. high school? you're getting closer. junior high? how about junior low? i see. do you have a trade?

how much will you give me for this whistle? just what kind of work were you expecting? well, i don't want nothing too messy, you know, like brain surgery. i don't want that. no problem. and see, airline pilotry, that's out. mm...mr. sanford, let's be realistic. you are totally lacking in the education and/or skills necessary to qualify for most of our placement opportunities. to say nothing of your age, which falls well outside the optimum actuarial median. well, thank you very much. now, look here, sister. give it to me straight. i have one job open for you as a hydro automotive maintenance technician. well, that sounds good. where is it? the jiffy car wash. happy wiping. heh heh heh heh. happy wiping. say, listen, why don't you come on down here

where could he be, julio? it's almost 5:00. relax, man. you said yourself he was gonna be late. now, i know, man, but i could tell by looking at him that he was worried. i'll tell you, man, he's gonna have reason to worry if arms crowder comes in and wants his money back. [sloshing] pop? where have you been? i was just out-- out strolling. [sloshing] why do i keep hearing water? maybe they got high tide in tijuana. hey, lamont, look at the back of your father's shirt. wait a minute. what is this? jiffy car wash? hey, man, you didn't go to meet al banks. you went down there and got a job at the car wash, didn't you?

come on, pop, sit down. take it easy, son. take it easy, man. i think i got a-- i think i got a barracuda in my boots. ahh. oh. oh, son, that feels good. get that other one. hey--hey, listen, man. i gotta go, man. i gotta feed chico. i'm sorry about that. hey, feel better, mr. sanford, eh? hasta luego. yeah and guy lombardo to you. [door shuts] listen, son. look here. i made $9.00. now do you think you can give that to your friends until al comes back? hey, pop, look, let's face it, man. al is a thief, and he's not coming back, so let's just forget about him. don't say that. don't say that about al. look, i've known al for 30 years, and i have faith in him, and he wouldn't let me down. see, there's got to be some simple explanation. there is. he ripped us off.

come in! [door creaking] [glass shattering] i want my money. wait a minute, man. listen. what do you mean tearing my door down off the hinges? what do you mean screaming in my living room? what do you mean i want my money? i'm gonna break every bone in your body. i know what you mean. look--look--look, wait a minute. n-n-now just take it easy. now you'll get your money, now just stay there. now you'll get your money. all right. hey, listen, son. what you leaving me for in my day-- in my time of trouble? i'm gonna give you this money. this is the money that i've been saving from the poker game that i had stashed away so you can pay him and then pay the rest of the guys off. no, that's charity. i don't want you to give me that money. pop, this is not charity, man. i'm gonna tell you something. that car wash will kill you faster than arms will. well, listen, i wanna make my own money. i don't want that money. look, consider it a loan. and just take this money and consider it a loan.

whenever. i'll tell you what. pay me next year, all right? next year? next year. here. give me the money. hey, listen here, buddy. here's your money. why don't you go somewhere and buy yourself a personality? well-- thanks, son. i guess that's that. thanks a lot, son. hey, would you do me a favor? anything, son. in the future, be a little more careful about the people that you call your friends. i'm going to bed. hey, pop. fred: hey, al. al, you came back. i knew you'd come back. see--see, didn't i tell you you was wrong? wrong? yeah, see, uh, lamont said that you had stole all the money and wasn't ever coming back. well, fred, lamont was right. i did steal the money, and i was never gonna come back. but on my way to the bus station, i saw you working at that car wash, and i realized something. in you, fred, i realized i had something

a friend. so here's your money. here's every penny of it. all the money? all of it. see that, lamont? told you you was wrong. al, thanks a lot, al. look, you know what we're gonna do? we're gonna go somewhere and celebrate. me and you. i'm gonna take you down jacob's soul food and buy you the biggest dinner you ever had in your life. well, you're on, fred. hey, wait a minute. wait a minute. what do you mean you're gonna take him to jacob's soul food and buy him a dinner? that's my money. no, no. this is my money. you loaned it to me. yeah, but i loaned you that money when you didn't have no money to pay your debt off, man. now i want my money back. well, i didn't see that in the credit application. well, just how do you propose to pay me my money back? well, now, you have a choice. either let me play every friday when y'all play poker and win a little bit back every week... or? that's the choice.

i'm going up stairs, putting my shoes on. i'll be on back down in a minute.

hi, pop. hi, son. man, i am tired. sit down here and get me a little-- a little rest. yeah. well, cheer up, son. i got some good news. al is coming here to live in los angeles for good. well, that's ok. al's a nice guy. yeah. i guess i'll go upstairs and take me a little nap. uh, you can't go up there, son because al's up there in your bed. well, i'll just go in here

e meatloaf for lunch. well, i'll just sit down here and nibble a little popcorn and watch a little television. now wait a minute. that's al's popcorn. see, we was-- we was thinking of watching the afternoon movie, and it's a good one on today, uh, called, uh, godzilla eats benji. no nap, no food, no television. just what am i supposed to do? well, i have a little suggestion. practice. [sanford and son theme song playing] captioning made possible by sony pictures television

? good times ? ? anytime you need a friend ? ? good times ? ? anytime you're out from under ? ? not getting hassled, not getting hustled ? ? keeping your head above water ? ? making a wave when you can ? ? temporary layoffs ? ? good times ? ? easy credit rip-offs ? good times ? ? scratching and surviving ? ? good times ? ? hanging in a chow line ? ? good times ? ? ain't we lucky we got 'em? ?