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tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  January 14, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am EST

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>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, kaley koko sweeting. from yeah resurrection," omar epps. liam neeson. and music from steel panther. with cleto and the cletones. and now, once more, here's jimmy kimmel! >> jimmy: hi, everybody. hello, everyone.
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i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. thanks for coming together here. i mean, i hate to get right down to business but i saw some news today, i don't know if it's good news or bad news. the ir. is is warning there could be long delays getting your tax refund this year. because of budget cuts they had to cut staff. because they cut staff they're saying somewhere in the neighborhood of half the people who call the irs this year will not get an agent on the phone and quill not get a call back. they're expecting so many delays this year they're renaming themselves the dmv. but this is true. in an e-mail to his staff the commissioner of the irs wrote, right stickily we have no choice but to do less with less. i can't say i like that attitude. he's like, i am aware we haven't started yet but i already know we can't do it. so the good news is the budget cuts mean the irs also won't be
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auditing as many people. so if you're thinking of -- [ cheers and applause ] if you were thinking of claiming your turtles as depend dents this might be the year to do it. meanwhile, president obama is focused right now on the internet and cyber security. the president's pushing for new laws to protect american companies from hackers. and who better to do that than the people who brought us the obamacare website. not only couldn't hackers get in, no one could penetrate. the president visited the department of homeland security yesterday to discuss how government agencies can share information to protect us against cyber threats. of course, this comes in wake of the massive hack on the sony corporation. and nobody asked me but i do think there is a simple way companies can protect themselves online. all you have to do is use one of these. now, i see one of these? forget about it. i literally -- i have had to
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click "recapture" nine times in a row to finally get to one i kind of read and even then it's not right all the time. not only does the president want online activities to be safer, he wants them to be faster. obama was in cedar falls, iowa, today to promote equal access to high-speed internet. apparently cedar falls has some of the fastest internet speeds in all the united states. who could have guessed iowa would be the state to lead us into the future. and i finally figured it out. i always wondered what the deal was with this this is funny. last night i noticed i was on twitter, i noticed the words nancy grace were trending. naturally i assumed she killed somebody. turned out people were talking about her because two chains was on her show. two chains is -- well, let me let nancy tell you who she is. >> joining me right now, a superstar in his own right known
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as two chains, also with us. >> so you get the tone of the interview. the reason two chains was there was so that nancy could sold him for promoting marijuana use. she yelled at him for a good five minutes, then she brought in an expert to get into it with too. >> so he can do it safely like many people can drink and not have a problem. but he's missing the one in five people who will start smoking pot as an adolescent and get really sick. for whom pot is a gateway drug and it's very disruptive to the kind of life they and their families want them to have. >> i'm looking at you now and you do something. yeah, you do something yourself. you sneaking the geek in yourself. i'm looking at you, you had a little shot before you came on here -- >> okay, tell him the truth -- >> it's a lot of -- >> you can make a joke out of it. i ask you to be respectful -- >> there's a lot of personal acts. you can smell that marijuana so you know it's on your clothes. we can't smell when you're
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around here sneaking and geeking. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i will say, seriously, sneaking i will tolerate. geeking i will not. you know, espn has a new documentary series that premiered tonight, "snoop and son: a dad's dream." a five-part series that details the relationship between snoop dogg and his ton, a talented wide receiver at bishop gorman high school in las vegas. "a dad's dleem" because snoop isn't 100% sure if any of it is really happening or not. snoop is a huge football fan. his son kordell wrote does is one of the top college recruits in the country. that's kind of weird, snoop dogg having a high hi disciplined athlete for a son? like if willie nelson raised an orthodontist, right? meanwhile we have our own project we've been working on with snoop. in addition to his youtube channel ggn, snoop's been
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hosting a nature series for us about animals. that's right. animals. and it's time for this week's edition of "plizzanet earth." >> hey. it's your boy big snoop dogg. let's look at some animals and [ bleep ]. here we go, we got flamingos right? this is 32 mingos, i know what flamingos is. they pink. this is a -- damn, this is a -- what's wrong with him? oh, no, cuz. the alligators are camouflaged. the alligators got green grass on their heads and [ bleep ]. flamingo slipping off the rock. he fall in, his ass is grass. look at this [ bleep ] motor mouth [ bleep ] in the water. oh, that's cold. he through. flamingos can't fly, huh? his ass is falling. he falling real fast. oh-oh. oh-oh, look at this [ bleep ]. oh [ bleep ]! oh!
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you better keep it moving, cuz, flap, flap! oh, he got wolfed down by a gator. life and death. mm, mm, mm. that hurts. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: as i don't know if you're aware, i've been on a mission the last two weeks speaking out against the long receipts that drugstores and supermarkets give you when you buy something. you buy one item, you get a 14-foot-long receipt for it. i'm not the only one who's noticed it. i've received hundreds of tweets from people showing me these crazy long receipts. a lot of them are from one particular drugstore, cvs. some of them are from far-away places. a woman from estonia sent a tweet that said, why don't they make those stupid long shopping receipts nicely soft as toilet paper so you could really use them? i thought that was a pretty good idea. we made a roll.
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and this is what it would look like, if this is what cvs -- if they're going to give us -- [ cheers and applause ] with these enormous receipts we might as well make use of them. that said i'm pleased to host the first-ever cvs receipt fashion show. summer may be a long way away but it's never too soon to show off your beach body. with that said please say hello to the cvs receipt bikini. 100% recycled. to answer your question, yes, it chafes everywhere. an egyptian pharaoh with only a few weeks to live, or maybe an early start on halloween, all you need for that is this cvs mummy wrap. come on out.
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wrap it up. by the way, this all came from buying one bag of reese's pieces. thank you, mummy. we have one more. this is for the single ladies. did he finally pop the question? well, congratulations. but now you have to pay thousands of dollars for a dress. or, do you? no, you don't. because of this. i give you the cvs wedding dress. and oh, look at that. isn't that beautiful. cvs bouquet. beautiful, stylish, and best of all, free. and i wish you all the happiness in the world. thank you, models. and thank you, cvs. [ cheers and applause ] this is funny. you know these drones with cameras on them, they're becoming very affordable. and lot of people are buying them for personal use now. this video is from the netherlands. a guy was flying his drone for the first time. the battery lost power.
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and he was forced to make a rescue attempt. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: nicely done. the good news, he saved the drone. the bad news, he was eaten about 8 crocodile. there's a new number one movie in america," taken 3." which is the third in the popular film franchise starring liam neeson. it took in $40 million at the box office over the weekend. this was supposed to be the last "taken" movie but since it did so well they decided to make another one. we're lucky enough to have a preview of that. again, let me explain. "taken 3" did so well this weekend, even though it's only
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wednesday -- [ laughter ] they wrote the movie on monday, they shot the movie on tuesday, and they've already cut a trailer for the new film. take a look. >> to old friends. >> to old friends, liam neeson. >> security skill, right? >> those were the best days, huh? >> yeah, they were good days. how's it going? have you got a family? >> just my dogs, pippen and paco. they keep me busy. >> you need to listen to me very carefully. >> okay. >> one of your dogs has been taken. >> taken? >> yeah. >> i don't think so. maybe he just went for a walk. >> no, no, listen to me, this happens to me a lot. >> taken? like you mean -- out of the house? >> yes, someone's taken him. but listen, i don't want you to worry. i will do everything in my
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power -- back into your loving arms. >> you mean paco? >> yes. i mean paco. ♪ >> i don't know who you are but i'm warning you that i have a particular set of skills. skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. >> what are your skills? >> excuse me? >> you said you have a particular set of skills. what are the skills? >> um -- weapons training. shooting. >> those are kind of the same thing. what else? >> um -- juggling. horseback riding.
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origami. i did three years of high school spanish. >> oh! [ speaking spanish ] hola? liam? donde etas, liam? >> estoy aqui. >> you'll never get him back, never! >> no! >> come back to me, pepe! >> his name is paco! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ i believe in love only a few
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of us can ever find ♪ ♪ flying high upon the wings of love ♪ >> thank you, liam neeson, for everything. >> you're welcome, amigo. listen to me very carefully. your pants have just been taken. >> aahhh! >> settle down. >> jimmy: thanks to liam. thank you, guillermo. you look great in your underwear. tonight on the show music from steel panther. omar epps is here. we'll be right back with kaley coke coke sweeting! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everybody. tonight you can see him on season two of "resurrection" which airs sundays on this network.
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omar epps is here with us. and then later an exceptionally entertaining band, i've never seen fittier album titles than this one, from here in l.a., "all you can eat." steel panther from the at&t stage. tomorrow night, johnny depp will be with us. marian cotillard will be here. we'll have music from kansas springs. i want to mention a member of our studio audience who brought his knitting needles who apparently is a very enthusiastic knitter is making me a bow tie, right? [ cheers and applause ] he says he can do it so quickly that he'll have it done by the end of the show. he just got started after the monologue so this would be very, very impressive. if you have it before i introduce -- i love -- look at the focus by the way. he's not even -- he will not even raise his eyes in my direction for fear -- you could be killed by one of those needles, those things are dangerous, right?
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so -- you know, there are a lot of shows have celebrities, et cetera. but very few of them offer knitting on the show. it's a special night tonight. and if it works out, who knows, maybe tomorrow day coupage. our first guest stars on the most popular sitcom on television but that's not enough for her, she has her sights set on the movies too. you can see her in "the wedding ringer." please say hello to kaley cuoco-sweeting! [ cheers and applause ] >> hey! >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> can i -- can i put in an order for some ping slippers? >> jimmy: yeah, he's right there. >> my feet are so cold at night and i would -- do you mind? >> jimmy: he doesn't have pink, he's got two colors on him, blue and gray. >> i'll go with gray, that's
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fine. i have to leave in 20 minutes. leave it in the room, it will be great. >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> i'm awesome. >> jimmy: very good to see you, congratulations on the big movie coming out. >> thank you. >> jimmy: you did a fun thing over the weekend, i saw pictures here. >> i did, i did. >> jimmy: tell us where you were here. >> i got to go to the marine base in mirimar with the cast of "the wedding ringer" and it was so amazing. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kevin hart -- >> yeah, unbelievable experience. what was cool, we got to show the movie to the wounded warriors and their families, then a couple of the marines showed us around the jets. it was such an unbelievable experience. i mean, i have such respect for them. to be able to go there, bring their families, a couple of smiles and laughter -- >> jimmy: did they let you touch thin in the jet? >> it was weird. these jets, they're big. they're not -- they're no joke. >> jimmy: you in the jet -- >> that's frightening, and josh is like flying it. they're like, get on up. i'm thinking, is there something i shouldn't touch in here?
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there's a red button, don't press that but everything else you're good, get on up there. we're there, josh is playing with the handle -- which by the way the handle, i hope i didn't offend them. i said, this looks exactly like a playstation. it looks exactly the same. he was like, no we've modeled it after a playstation. so i could probably fly this. because i am really good at super mario. they were like, yeah it's the same. the handle, he's like, we shoot out real stuff. i'm like, yeah, it's the same. it's the same. >> jimmy: why not? we could -- an army of like 11-year-old boys could probably destroy most of the nations of the world. >> they're practicing a lot. >> jimmy: where is kevin? >> kevin, because he prefers to be in his own jet. >> jimmy: i see. >> he brings his team in his own jet. he was over there. we actually -- okay. so i thought i was so cool. i went to this thing last minute. i got my own private jet. just for the day. >> jimmy: okay. >> it was a four-seater.
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i thought this was awesome. i'm not bringing a team, i'm going by myself, do this on my own. i got my four-seater, my plane, so excited. so i get there. it's just for the day. and josh gad is like, how are you getting home? i got this jet, i'm so excited about this jet. he's like, can i get a ride? yeah. kevin hart is listening. how are you getting home? well, i got this jet. you know, it's so great. don't you have your own plane? can i go home with you? he lives near me. i was like, it's not like a president's plane, it's like a four have seater. when you travel with someone like kevin hart? he gets out of the car, looks at my private jet, which i thought was the coolest. he was like, what is this, a mazda miata? there's like four seats. he's like, i can't fit on this plane. he starts saying we have to give josh up because josh's weight is taking down the plane.
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he's concerned. he's acting like this thing was really crappy. and i said, kevin, maybe your 17 pieces of louis vuitton luggage can't fit on my four-seater. you can't travel with someone like kevin. all of a sudden your private jet is crap. >> jimmy: did he really bring luggage for a day trip? he brought a lot. >> there's people in that luggage, he puts them in the luggage and carries them around. >> jimmy: i've never seen anyone so unhappy to be on a private airplane. >> i know, man. >> jimmy: what's going on in this picture here? >> oh, yes. so i got to -- that's a toilet. and i wasn't going. my jeans are up. so on these jets -- >> jimmy: you do it with your jeans up? >> yeah, well, for photos only. so each of the jets has an amazing crew of people. they have nicknames for their planes. so some of them, these fighter jets -- i'm about to say something you'll have to bleep me. get ready, bleepers. they say you've got to join us on our fleet, it's called the
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[ bleep ]. and i was like, that's the nickname for your plane? and they go, yeah, because we actually have one on the plane. they were so proud. they were the one fighter jet that has an actual [ bleep ] on the plane. the best part is if you see, the little wintergreen. and i said, you guys? i go, that's not helping anything. like, what? they go, we want it to smell nice. i go, guys, that's not helping, let me tell you. you're going to need more than one of those, okay? >> jimmy: kaley cuoco-sweeting is here, the movie is called "the wedding ringer." we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of jimmy kimmel live are brought to you by dyson. new year, new clean, without the hassle of the cord. we got you your billions back! so many billions, we started thinking, "this isn't tax season..."
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your first dance will be to what song? >> to our song, "you are so beautiful." >> that's not our song. that's not our song. >> honey, of course it is. >> it's not our song. >> yes. don't you remember? your broken cd player repeated it over and over and over the first time we made love? >> aww. >> that wasn't -- that wasn't me. that was your ex, steve. and i know that because you've told me this story about five times. so -- >> oh. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: kaley cuoco-sweeting, josh gad. and really i believe he was "people" magazine's most
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beautiful comedian, "the wedding ringer." >> most beautiful, doesn't he look great? >> jimmy: he shaved his hair off which is a shame, it's a natural treasure. >> i agree. >> jimmy: a comedy, ends with a wedding. >> kevin hart is a joy. he's a hired groomsman. >> jimmy: i was thinking about this. he's like the hired best man. i would be good -- this would be a good job for me. >> you would be great on this. you could on the fly make up a speech and a toast. >> jimmy: speeches, bachelor parties, i'm good at all of that. travel arrangements. >> yes. >> jimmy: embarrassing photographs. i can do all that stuff. >> you can have someone knitting the suits for everybody, a personal knitter. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: by the way, get back to work. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you've got a bow tie and booties to make. >> are my booties done? i want those booties, man. send those home. you don't look that far done, let me tell you.
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>> jimmy: don't worry, he's not leaving here until your booties are complete. you're a newlywed. would you still consider yourself to be a newlywed? >> yeah, it's so funny. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. we've been married a year. and, yeah, it's -- very funny, actually. we still do fun things. but monday night, monday night i get home, long day at work. my husband's waiting for me. i get home and like the lights -- it's nice in the house, he'd ordered food. i go, babe, the house looks so great. he goes, guess what tonight is? special night. i was like, what's tonight? i'm so excited. this is so great. he's like, it's bachelor night, baby! >> jimmy: oh, yeah. monday night. >> i was like, i'm sorry, that's what you -- for real. like he could not wait. he wanted to watch the east coast feed so we could like really get on there and know what was going on immediately. that was on monday night. we were watching "the bachelor," which i know you are -- >> jimmy: i'm going to be on
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"the bachelor" on monday. >> that was the best tease. will you get in there and help him? >> jimmy: you feel like he's not doing a good job picking? >> i'm concerned. prince farming, which was hilarious when you said that. >> jimmy: that's his nickname. >> hysterical. i don't know if he's seen a woman before. i'm concerned. listen, i'm a fan, chris. ohio, it's fine, it's all good. but like the picking. i need you to help him. >> jimmy: what would you like to see him pick? >> i love britt, she's adorable, obvious choice. there's a brunette my husband likes. >> jimmy: yeah, i know which one you're talking about. yeah. she seems very normal. >> yeah. he's a big fan of hers. he's said that many times. but anyway. there's a normal one. i don't know why he's picking all the -- there's a lot of drunk girl sglts because we have a show to enjoy. >> you're right. >> jimmy: the bachelor knows he can't eliminate all the crazy people, all the drunk girls,
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because it would be boring. >> i'd have nothing to talk to you about, that's true. >> jimmy: exactly. then you won't have special date nights with the food coming in, candles. >> i can't wait to see what you do. >> jimmy: can i tell you something? i think that they were -- well, it was totally a surprise. >> did it really wake him up? >> jimmy: he had no idea i was coming. he had been sleeping for maybe an hour and ten minutes. >> poor guy. >> jimmy: after a night of -- you know, they keep them drunk pretty much the whole time. >> amazing. >> jimmy: like iv drip that goes on. and i woke him up. then i sent him on probably the worst date anyone's ever had. >> oh my god. baby, date night next week. can't wait. >> jimmy: i'll be there too, baby. it's going to be the three of us. "the wedding ringer." it opens in theaters this weekend. kaley cuoco-sweeting, everybody! be right back with omar epps. >> dicky: the at&t concert
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[ narrator ] on a mission to get richard to his campbell's chunky soup. it's new chunky beer-n-cheese with beef and bacon soup. i love it. and mama loves you. ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: welcome back. we have omar epps on the way. we have music from steel panther on the way. a new bow tie is being knitted for me as we speak.
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but first it is time to spin the wheel of bad ideas. here it is. this is the wheel. i want to say in advance, we've done this before, it has never -- never ends well, right? >> right. >> jimmy: here's how it works. our writers come up with a lot of bad ideas. we take them and put them on this wheel. there's a bad idea hidden behind each one of these letters. i'm going to spin the wheel. whatever it lands on, i will have to do. right, guillermo? guillermo's in charge of this. he's the guy who's going to give the directions and i'm going to give it a spin and here it goes. the wheel of the bad ideas. we're going to land on "s." let's see what horrors the letter "s" holds. the letter "s" -- gum swap. all right, that sounds terrible. how does this work? >> guillermo: oh, no. chew some gum.
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>> jimmy: okay. >> guillermo: me too. >> jimmy: all right. >> guillermo: now we swap the gum. >> jimmy: really? >> guillermo: really. a real bad idea. >> jimmy: there you go. [ audience screaming no ] >> guillermo: what happened? >> jimmy: i think this is a good time to tell you i have the measles. si. >> guillermo: no. >> jimmy: si. your stupid wheel. all right. we'll be right back with omar epps! [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: still to come, music from steel panther. you're next guest is a talented actor who plays an immigration agent whose borders are overrun with dead people who have come back to life. it happens, you'd be surprised, it happens a lot. season two of "resurrection" airs sundays at 9:00 on abc. please say hello to omar epps!
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm good, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm good. you smeel really good. >> starting off a little weird there, maybe. >> jimmy: did you know, this is something i learned from nancy grace today, did you know that two chains' real last name is epps? >> i did know that, we stick together. >> jimmy: there's three of you that i know of. what is the origin? >> per an scestr brothers from southampton, england, went to virginia and all eppses come from them. >> jimmy: it's not short for epstein, you're not jewish? >> no. >> jimmy: you're not, okay. the last time you were here, you were i think like on date eight
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of a very strange diet. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: 21 days you could not eat condiments. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: how did that go? >> it went well. i'm glad it's over. >> jimmy: was it hard not to eat the condiments for 21 days? seems like -- >> the first week is hard. then you get used to it. then like the last week you're craving everything. so i'm like back on the sir rauf which a. >> jimmy: you are, okay. >> heavy. heavy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hitting the mustard pretty hard. how old are your kids? you have three kids? >> yeah. 15, 10, 7. >> jimmy: and boys, girls? what do you have? >> two oldest are girls, youngest a boy. >> jimmy: are your daughters dating, then? >> yeah, right. >> jimmy: that won't be allowed? >> not under my watch. >> jimmy: it's the thing, you're a dad, you have a daughter, 92, no, no. then it happens. >> the shotgun jokes, they're real. >> jimmy: but they don't work.
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in fact, they probably have the opposite effect. what were you doing when you were 15 years old? >> i was -- i was playing football, writing, wishing there was an internet. you know. >> jimmy: what kind of writing? >> all types of stuff. short story, poems. >> jimmy: playing football and writing poems. did the guys on the team, were they -- were the other players aware of this? >> no, that was a secret? that was a little secret. yeah, yeah. that wouldn't probably go over so well. what kind of things did you write? do you remember any of them? >> i mean, essays. i wrote this thing in school, i wanted to be the first black president of the united states. >> jimmy: and did you? [ laughter ] >> a cool guy beat me to it. >> jimmy: you must have been very against obama, really. i can't let him win. >> the right man got the job. >> jimmy: okay, so is that something you would be interested in doing? >> no, no, not at this point.
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>> jimmy: it's more fun to be an actor. >> it's way more fun to be an actor. >> jimmy: congratulations, your show, "resurrected," picked up for a second season on abc. [ cheers and applause ] i have heard that your show is popular in other countries. what other country in particular? >> a lot of them. we went to malaysia, we went to singapore, philippines. we had a great time. >> jimmy: those are other countries, yeah. so when you go there, people know you from the show? do they know you from other things or just from the show? >> put it this way. if aliens really exist, i'm pretty sure they'd watch "house." that's how popular that show was. it's crazy. >> jimmy: alien dozen exist. there's one right over there at the door. not an insult, just a fact. so that's what they know you from, "house." when you went over there, did you get to travel around? >> travel around, try on the the
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food, i'm a big foodie fy. >> jimmy: did you eat anything weird? >> i ate something called durian. you like durian? stink fruit, stinky fruit. it has this heavy sulfuric smell. it actually tastes pretty good, i was surprised. >> jimmy: why eat it if it smells bad? i mean, really. not asking you, but in general. because there's so many fruits that smell good and are delicious. >> yeah that's true. >> jimmy: yeah i mean, you know. it was in my garden, i'd probably dig it up and throw it out. but that's just how i work. >> we humans, we try it out. >> jimmy: has the show wrapped? >> the show's wrapped. >> you shot all the episodes. >> yep. >> jimmy: home are how many episodes? >> 13. >> jimmy: do you get time off? what are you up to? >> now i've got to get back to my desk job. >> jimmy: which is? >> a lot of people don't know i am in an accredited slangologist. i'm the guy who's in charge of announcing the new slang to black people.
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>> jimmy: i don't understand what you mean by that. >> i mean like, you know, we have our slang. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> you know. like -- white people -- you guys appropriate and it all that so we got to keep switching it up. >> jimmy: that is true. >> know what i mean? no self-respecting black person is going to say the word bling after barbara walters says it. it's not going to fly. >> jimmy: you're the guy who decides? >> i'm the guy. there's a committee. >> jimmy: oh, there is? >> yes. the committee of us that i cochair with snoop dogg. >> jimmy: really? >> yes, serious. and then we, you know, do the -- i brought some tape if you want to see the announcement. >> jimmy: i would love to see the -- am i allowed to see the announcement? [ cheers and applause ] >> my fellow african-americans. professor epps here with your weekly slanguage update. first up, some changes. the word for flashy jewelry is no longer kandy. it is now shiboozi.
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as in, yo, that's some mafonda shiboozi. mafonda is new slang for something flashy or expensive. not to be confused with mafofo, now short for [ bleep ]. blunts should be referred to as pooers. hoopties are now just called cars. that's all for now. until next week i wish you all a very figgedty pudding. you know what i'm talking about. >> funding made possible by the john d. and catherine t. foundation and viewers like you. thank you. >> jimmy: thank you for letting us be a part of that. omar epps, watch his show "resurrection" on abc sunday nights. we'll be right back with music from steel panther! [ cheers and applause ]
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>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. do you guys do instant hey, i losreplacement?ard. (snap!) what just happened? check your wallet. no. way. your debit card should arrive in 7-10 business days. it's time to bank human again. get debit cards on the spot, and no monthly fee checking with just a $100 minimum balance at td bank. america's most convenient bank. thank you cable. for the slower internet upload speeds. for making me wait longer to share my photo albums. thank you cable, because if we never had you... we wouldn't know the incredible difference verizon fios makes.
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>> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series presented by at&t. mobilizing your world. >> look at this i got a new bow tie, thank you very much, nicely done. i want to thank kaley cuoco-sweeting, omar epps, i want to apologize to matt damon, we ran out of time with him. here with the song "if you really really love me," steel panther! ♪ if you really really really really love me then you really >> stop, you're out of tune, dude. >> i'm not. >> you're totally out of tune. >> we're on jimmy kimmel, bro, i'm not out of tune, i'm a professional guitar player. >> tune-up quick, we're trying to do the song. >> i know what this is about. you're trying to embarrass me on national television, on the jimmy kimmel show, because you're mad at me because i had sex with your girlfriend last week. >> i don't know, that's totally cool, that's great, i'm glad you had a good time.
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>> i get it. let's tune the guitar and be done with it and move on. ♪ how's that? >> perfect. ♪ if you really really really really love me then you really really really gotta show me ♪ ♪ don't whine when i put it in your booty ♪ or if i'm up all night playing call of duty ♪ ♪ never hassle me because i'm unemployed if i sleep all day don't get annoyed then i'll know that ♪ ♪ you really really really really really really really love me ♪ if you really really love me ♪ if you really truly want to make me feel nice ♪ make it so i don't ever have to ask twice ♪ ♪ let me have the keys to your mercedes don't get mad when i bring home some ladies ♪ ♪ if i get fat and look like an ape lie to me tell me i'm in great shape ♪ ♪ then i'll know that you really really really really really really love me ♪ ♪ if you wonder what i did with the rent ♪
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just consider it money well spent i bought drums ♪ ♪ and a new surfboard so just go tell your dumb landlord that you love me ♪ ♪ you really really love me if i have sex with your friend melanie don't act like it's ♪ ♪ some kind of felony it's not uncommon for this kind of infidelity it happens to a lot of guys ♪ ♪ like tiger woods and me just be happy that i'm like a horse and you get to ride ♪ ♪ the pony of course 'cause i'm really really really really really really ♪ ♪ really really fond of you too when you think it's really sucky girl ♪ ♪ all your friends will say you lucky girl you got a man who's hot you say all the girls ♪ ♪ wanna be with me 'cause they love me they really really love me yes they do ♪ ♪
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♪ if you really really really really love me you'd never make me hang out with your family ♪ ♪ your mom sucks and your dad really hates me when i try to borrow money he berates me ♪ ♪ somehow he thinks that i'm too old for you 'cause you're nineteen and i'm fifty-two ♪ ♪ he can't see that you really really really really really really love me you really ♪ ♪ really really really really really really really love me if you really really love me ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ we had a delia so don't you worry about the hiv ♪ ♪ let's get drunk yeah till you puke all over the floor ♪
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♪ we're gonna die yeah tomorrow so let's get hammered like never before ♪ ♪ yeah the clock is runnin' down you see you gotta do the ♪ ♪ things you wanna do your step-sister grab her by the horn find some horny cougars ♪ ♪ and shoot some cougar porn baby let's all party like tomorrow ♪ ♪ is the end of the world party freakin' hardy like tomorrow is the end of the world ♪ ♪ hey hey make love yeah with a sheep ♪ ♪ or cow or a goose i know you're wondering what it feels like so take off your ♪ ♪ pants and get loose get crazy yeah rob a bank or hijack a plane ♪ ♪ we got nothin'
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♪ this is "nightline." tonight, the new front line in a battle of the sexes. >> video games. >> the crusade against game like "grand theft auto." >> you can do whatever you want. >> and the shocking backlash. >> there's an enormous amount of hate directed toward me. >> from head shots to mug shots. a top model's hard fall from grace. we're behind bars to hear about it firsthand. >> i didn't even recognize me anymore. bridezilla? we meet someone that can make your wed going on off without a hitch. bridesmaid for hire. ensuring your happily ever after, for a price. but first, the "nightline 5." >> i will embrace


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