tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 20, 2015 11:35pm-12:38am EDT
>> jimmy: thank you. howdy. how are you doing? thank you very much. thank you for joining us here at the long center in austin, texas. that's very nice of you. well, that is greatly appreciated. i don't want to leave either but i have to leave because if i stay any longer my body will turn into brisket. and i will have no choice but to eat myself. i really do have to go home. none of my clothes fit anymore. my socks are even tight. that's when you know. i had to buy a new suit. my head is so fat i had to put a hat on it.
when we get back to l.a. i'm going directly to zumba without hesitation. i'm going to miss being here, i'm going to miss all of you, i really am. [ cheers and applause ] you know what i have to say? i kind of feel like you guys should stop having fun when we leave. i don't like the idea of it going on without me. but we're not done yet. we're closing things out tonight in a big texas way with the great and powerful willie nelson who is with us. [ cheers and applause ] if any of you are still selling girl scout cookies this could be your lucky night. last night bill murray was here, which was just great, unbelievable. all the funny things you hear about bill murray are true. he's just funny all the time. bill was talking about how important it when is you're out drinking to drink water. he feels very strongly that you
should have one glass of water for every drink you have. so after the show we went out to see some live music. we went to see a rapper called early spreadshirt who bill kept referring to as sweatshirt joe. when we got there, mr. sweatshirt was nowhere to be found. but there was a rap group on, somewhere in the neighborhood, i think 175 people on stage. there were more people on stage than in the audience. not one of them was playing an instrument. so we stayed for a while. and there was no earl sweatshirt. . we went to another place. the police had shut the music down. we went to another place and we saw a band called waves. and it seemed like they were good but it was hard to tell because we got there toward the end of their last song. we left there and went to another place. went to like 19 places. and somehow, bill murray found water everywhere we went. he was not kidding about the water. every drink we got was
accompanied by a bottle or glass of water. at one point he went to the bar and came back with a round. he put it down, i thought it was vodka, it was water. end of the night i am beat, i'm ready to go, we get in the car, my wife and i were about to pull away. all of a sudden there's banging on the side of the car. we rolled the window down. and there's bill murray with two bottles of water in his hands. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] this is true, i'm not making one bit of this up. he goes, sparkling and flat. and throws them in the car and disappears into the night. and by the way, look what happened. bill murray told us we need water, all of a sudden it's pouring rain here. like we spent the night with a wizard. i should mention that, all this eating and drinking we've been doing for a good cause. or at least guillermo has. beginning of the week we weighed guillermo. the moment he stepped off the plane from l.a., i weighed him.
he clocked in at 192.4 pounds. and for every pound guillermo gained this week we're donating $2,000 to a local austin charity called urban roots. [ cheers and applause ] it's an organization that helps people, young people, with food and farming. now it is time for the moment of truth. ladies and gentlemen, please look to the skies. i give you guillermo, guillermo! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> guillermo: hi, everybody!
>> jimmy: let me help you get your chains off. >> guillermo: wow. i need water. i need energy. >> jimmy: that won't come off. send him back up! >> guillermo: no! >> jimmy: did you like being up there? >> guillermo: it was a little scary. >> jimmy: it was? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: why was it so scary? >> guillermo: too high. >> jimmy: that one came off no problem. all right, let me get this one off. oh, this one came off on its own. that's good. [ laughter ] >> guillermo: oh my god. >> jimmy: all right, so again -- are you ready to weigh in? >> guillermo: yes. >> jimmy: okay, the number when we got here was 192.4 pounds. let's find out what you weigh now. jump on that scale, guillermo. here we go. guillermo weighs -- 199.2 pounds! [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: congratulations. >> guillermo: wow. >> jimmy: 7 pounds. that's a pound a day. a pound a day. so i guess that means we'll donate $15,000 to urban roots. congratulations, guillermo. >> guillermo: thank you, everybody! >> jimmy: we'll get you one of those seat belt extenders for the flight home. meanwhile, the south by southwest festival which is the reason why we came here this week goes on until sunday. the keynote speech was delivered this morning by snoop dogg. snoop dogg spoke about the future of the music. his speech went great but he was a little freaked out by the screen full of words that seemed to know everything that he was about to say. it's a big deal to give the keynote speech, very prestigious.
previous speakers have included johnny cash, neil young, bruce springsteen, lady gaga. so snoop took this very seriously as you can see in this video he posted to instagram this morning shortly before he spoke. ♪ >> i like to cha-cha! >> jimmy: that's right. oh, i guess his glaucoma was acting up. we've had -- we've had such a great week. this is our second time coming to austin which means it's getting serious and the next time i expect to meet your parents. but everywhere i've been, people have been lovely. so i wanted to say a few words. but why say words when you can sing words? and i hope you'll bear with me, i have no voice left after very late nights here. i would like to summon the spirit of julio iglesias to let you know just exactly how i feel. ♪
♪ to austin i can't love you more ♪ ♪ i've kept you sitting by the door ♪ ♪ you're beautiful and weird and man you all have boards ♪ ♪ austin i can't love you more >> jimmy: i'm sorry. i just -- i'm feeling a little bit lonely here all by myself. is there anybody that could help me with this song? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know this song. >> hey, how you doing? you're looking good. >> jimmy: so where were we?
♪ ♪ to all the lone star beers i drank ♪ ♪ and hippie and the bang ♪ the traffic doesn't flow by blood type is queso ♪ ♪ to austin i can't love you more ♪ ♪ my silky braids are always rolling ♪ ♪ with tacos served all night ♪ the lines are overflowing all right all right ♪ ♪ to all the pedicabs i took ♪ the many u.t. horns i hooked ♪ the doughnut shops students
yelling oh you sucks ♪ ♪ to austin i can't love you more ♪ ♪ to all the cobblers that i ate ♪ ♪ got high and put them on my plate ♪ ♪ we deep fried deviled eggs i can hardly feel my legs ♪ ♪ to austin i can't love you more ♪ ♪ until it falls into the sea i'm moving straight down here to austin ♪ ♪ and bringing guillermo here with me ♪ ♪ to all the things i learned this week ♪ ♪ from all the many freaks on sixth street ♪ ♪ i dedicate this song to willie
nels nelson's bong ♪ ♪ to austin we can't love you more ♪ ♪ we're glad we came along we dedicate this song ♪ ♪ to austin we can't love you more ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: willie nelson. thank you, austin. tonight on the show, edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. colin hanks is here. we'll be right back with willie so stick around! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] find brands like nutribullet
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us use their beautiful theater. i want to thank our crew for working so hard under such drunken conditions. this is truly a heroic effort. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks to our great band cleto and the cletonecleto. they sound even better than they already do. most of all i want to thank everyone who came to see our show in austin. thanks to you guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you know, in all the united states there is no better town than this if you ever get the chance to spend time here, it's great. right, guillermo? >> guillermo: i love this place, yes. >> jimmy: you look great. by the way, i want to mention guillermo has been the subject of a little game we've been playing. it's not a game, i guess. we've been doing this all this week. these are what we call guillermo flattos. we've asked people to post pictures on social media around
town with flatto. this is from the texas senate. here is guillermo flatto, somebody dressed him up and put him in the hospital. which might not be so unrealistic. this is guillermo flying around like a bat. a couple of celebrities participated in this too. rosario dawson had a little ride with guillermo. and steven van zant also has a little guillermo flatto in his "entertainment weekly." this is guillermo, i guess you ran into somebody, huh? i like this. because this is a real reversal of how things have gone. so far this week. here's a religious artifact. a little guillermo. and finally, there's guillermo where he's happiest, amongst the doughnuts at round rock. [ cheers and applause ]
thank you all for doing that. tonight on the show, a gentleman, he's an actor, now he's a director, a new documentary that premiered at south by southwest called "all things must pass." colin hanks is with us tonight. later, a band from l.a. of all places, we brought them with us. this is their first live album. it's called "live in no peculiar order." edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros from the at&t stage. next week we'll be back at home. we have all-new shows with john cena, matthew perry, chelsea clinton, zooey deschanel, adam carolla, maisie williams, music from zac brown band, sync motel for king and country and charlie wilson too. please join us for all of that. our first guest tonight is a living, breathing, rolling, smoking legend of country music.
the official talent of his mythical existence is called "a long story, my life." it comes out may 5th. please welcome willie nelson! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you for coming. thank you for lending your beautiful voice to mine. >> i've got one. >> jimmy: you've got one on you. >> okay, good. >> jimmy: cure that guy who was under your shirt? that's what he was doing. >> oh, that was him? yeah. he's a nice-looking guy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: for the record, how many girls have you loved before? >> you're kidding, of course. i can't remember last week. [ laughter ] i've been very fortunate. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah.
i guess the answer is, all of them. right? >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to apologize. i was invited to a charity event at your house wednesday night. and so i did the show and then i drove out there. and when i got there, it was over. and no one was up. well, they actually thought you were sleeping. they said, willie might be asleep. i said, he's don't wake him up. then it turned out you were up, hanging around with your family. thank you, you hung around a cull of hours. >> thanks for coming out. >> jimmy: i felt bad because i felt like, he was planning to go to sleep and i kept him up a couple of hours. >> no, no, no, no. >> jimmy: we did not overstay our welcome? >> that was way too early. i go to bed around daylight. >> jimmy: all right, excellent. okay. do you ever have problems because your house, it's such a big and unbelievable place. do you ever have problems getting people to leave? >> my biggest problem is keeping me there. >> jimmy: i see. >> i keep running off around the
world. when i get back and i see all the horses and everything i say, wait a minute, why am i running around so much? >> jimmy: you have to go on the road again. it's kind of your motto. it's something that you as willie nelson are going to do. >> i guess. >> jimmy: there's a great story in the book about the time your friend, i think zeke, he dared you to get on a freight train. >> yeah. >> jimmy: do you remember this? should i read it? >> let me see, i remember -- >> jimmy: when you read this book you're not going to believe all the stuff that happened to you. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> it's a long story. no, i remember zeke and the train. from there it's kind of blurred. >> jimmy: he dare yodto jump on from ft. worth to california. you were supposed to take the train. >> oh, and we threw our luggage on the first car and was going to catch the second car and we missed the whole damn train. [ laughter ]
then our luggage was out in west texas. >> jimmy: you never made it to california? >> there wasn't that much in the luggage. >> jimmy: there's a rumor that you once smoked pot on the roof of the white house. >> i heard that. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i'm probably asking the wrong guy, but did that happen? >> i've heard that. i've heard that once you get up there, all the streets are coming in at you from different directions. >> jimmy: you have to do something to calm down? >> i would think so. if it ever happened, i definitely would have to calm down. >> jimmy: you were friendly with president carter? >> yes. >> jimmy: you've met all the presidents, i assume? >> jimmy carter is a real close friend. him and his wife roslyn come up and sing the gospel stuff with us when we go down to atlanta. good people. >> jimmy: did they know you were smoking pot, allegedly, on the roof of the white house? >> i forgot to tell them. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: willie nelson is here. this is his book, it's called "it's a long story." we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: portions of "jimmy kimmel live" are brought to you by the ibm engagement center. follow along. you're not mr. craig. yeah, i'm confused, where's mr. craig? well, i'm sorta mr. craig. we're both between 35 and 45 years old. we both like to save money on car insurance. and we're both really good at teaching people a lesson. um, let's go. cool. sit down! alright. sorta you, isn't you. only esurance has coveragemyway. it helps make sure you only pay for what's right for you, not someone sorta like you. i think i blacked out from fear... did we ask him where mr. craig was? we did. esurance. backed by allstate. click or call.
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the magnetic zeros. willie, you have a new album coming out with merle haggard. >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: it's called "jangle and jimmy." the first single is called "it's all gone to pot." it comes out on 4/20. what is that song about? [ laughter ] ♪ it's all going to pot whether we like it or not ♪ ♪ far as i can tell the world's gone to hell ♪ ♪ and we're sure going to miss it a lot ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ all the whiskey in lynchburg, tennessee, just couldn't hit the spot ♪ ♪ i got a hundred dollar bill you can keep because it's all going to pot ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: these are -- they were your braids. these were sold at a charity auction. do you know how much he got for these braids?
>> i don't know. what did i get? >> jimmy: $37,000. >> who got it? >> jimmy: i don't know. i can't imagine how much thc is in these -- >> plant them and they'll grow. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: your own willie nelson. when you go on tour to a place like japan where pot is very illegal, what do you do? how do you get it? do you get it? >> well -- first of all, i know what the situation is now. so i wouldn't worry about it. but last time i went over there, that's the last thing they told me, you can't have no pot. i heard somewhere that canary bird seed, bird seed was made out of marijuana seeds. >> jimmy: in japan? >> yeah. so i thought, maybe if i get enough of it and i filter it down. and i can get enough for a small joint, you know. but after about eight pounds of bird seed, it did not work. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: in addition to your place in austin, you have a place in hawaii and woody harrelson is your neighbor there. woody has told me that you are one of the funniest people he knows. he says you have a million jokes, you are always cracking wise. do you have one that you go to frequently that you can share with us? >> guy went to the doctor. doctor says, i don't remember whether you've got aids or alzheimer's. he says, well, at least i ain't got aids. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you had me nervous for a second. somehow you managed to tell a nonoffensive aids joke. that's unbelievable. >> the guy coming out of an antique clock shop, he had this big grandfather's clock. he bumped into this drunk, fell down, busted the clock to pieces. got up and said, why don't you
watch where you're going? the drunk said, why don't you wear a wristwatch like everybody else? >> jimmy: nicely done. isn't it weird that you can't remember getting on the train? >> what train? >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. it is a pleasure to have you here. willie nelson, everybody! his book comes out may 5th. "it's a long story: my life." we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: ebay and the guitar center celebrate "jimmy kimmel live" in austin by offering one of a kind guitars autographed by bill murray, brad paisley, tony romo, willie nelson, and others. all proceeds benefit local austin charity urban roots. go to ebay.com/kimmelinaustin to bid now. rollover data, so the data you don't use this month rolls over to the next. sounds great. but what's your angle?
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teaming up with mogees. what is mogees? well, since you asked so nicely, mogees is a new sensor and app that can turn anything into a musical instrument on the fly. our friend, guillermo, and his friend, robert delong, tried it out with a new 2016 mazda 3. >> what's up? >> guillermo: what's up, how you doing? >> so good. >> guillermo: do you have any instruments? >> we're going to play the car. >> guillermo: the car? what's wrong with your brain? >> nothing, check it out. >> guillermo: whatever you say. how this works? you push it? >> different panels make different sounds. ♪ >> guillermo: oh my god. like a piano. hello. even when you're angry and you throw a door. >> sounds nice. >> guillermo: still sounds nice. you forgot the note again!
♪ >> let's make you into an instrument. >> guillermo: sure. wow! i'm a musical instrument. >> let get this party started. >> guillermo: let's do it. ♪ >> guillermo: yeah, whoo! ♪ >> guillermo: put your hands in the air like you don't care! >> dicky: go to mazzaconnects.com to see what mazda's up to. >> be right back with colin hanks! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
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[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, there, welcome back. we are in austin, texas. our next guest is an emmy- and golden globe-nominated actor whom you know from "dexter," "mad men," and "fargo." he has a new documentary for serious music fans called "all things must pass." please welcome colin hanks. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: how did you know that's what i needed? >> well, because it's south by southwest. i don't wear every one of these bracelets for any other reason. >> jimmy: wow, you must be rich, you've got all those bracelets. >> for the tradition, cut them off and let them fall where they may and walk away and go on with your life. >> jimmy: that's what the sanitation people like to hear. let's move that because it's blocking the beautiful view of my face. you're staying out late, having fun? >> having a blast. going out, a couple of screenings of my movie, also seeing a lot of bands. i saw edward sharpe last night. [ cheers and applause ] >> it was amazing. they played their new album. it was really sort of a great, special, intimate evening which
was really a great start because the next act i saw was absolutely insane. jeff the brotherhood. >> jimmy: i know that band, yeah. >> and they were -- i wanted to do like a great juxtaposition. that's one of the thins i love about south by is you can see completely different artists play. and so there was the nice edward sharpe show, everyone was smalling and happy, amazing show. then jeff the brotherhood was like tons of people onstage and people crowd surfing and dancing and banging heads. i captured photos of both shows for like the juxtaposition. right when i was taking the photo of werehood and doing the dance of i've got my beer in one hand and the camera. and i take a photo. and then i'm sort of like holding it and doing like the thing of like, hey, i'm at the brotherhood. put it in my pocket. two seconds later, someone threw a cassette tape from the stage.
and it hit my beer perfectly. they're like, that man doesn't need that beer, he needs this cassette tape! the beer just fell. >> jimmy: oh my god, it died? >> it died. it was a brand-new beer. i just started laughing. the timing of it. >> jimmy: and they're out of beer in austin, too. >> yeah, i know. here's the cassette tape. >> jimmy: oh, all right, thank you. [ cheers and applause ] i haven't seen one of these in a long time. >> there you go. >> jimmy: you had your bachelor party in austin. >> i did, i love it here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i have a policy when it comes to bachelor parties that nobody's allowed to take pictures. >> but here's the deal. so i was shooting up in dallas, texas. [ cheers and applause ] you've heard of it. and i was shooting a tv show up there. and i had friends from new york. i had friends from l.a. they were going to come to austin and we were going to meet in the middle.
and i told the like scheduler of the show, look, i got guys coming in from both coasts, as we like to say in show business. and you need to give me this friday off. because all my friends -- >> jimmy: a bachelor party. >> a lot of them don't know each other and i'm the glue that keeps everyone together. he said, yeah, sure, no problem. of course i end up getting booked for a night shoot on that friday night. so i missed the first night of my batch already party. bachelor party. but i've got a really great best man who's also the producer on my movie. and he called me wife and said, i need photos of your soon to be husband in various -- various stages of drunkenness. he got a blow-up doll, put the pictures on, and went around austin. >> jimmy: so this is the beginning of the evening, i presume. >> that's my friend rashad.
and that is me. very excited for my bachelor party. . they were texting me these as i was working, by the way. there's me. having a beverage. not a water. >> jimmy: there you are. >> that's me after having a few too many beverages. >> jimmy: then finally. >> that's the end of the night. >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: clever friends. >> it's not really me. the only reason yes feel comfortable showing that on national tv is those pictures are not me. >> jimmy: yet they are you in a way. they also are you. >> i would have been like that i'm sure. >> jimmy: i think your documentary was great. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i personally am a guy, when i was in college, i spent a good five, six hours a week in tower records in tempe, arizona. scouring, looking for records. and you made a documentary. i didn't know any of this stuff about tower records. >> good. >> jimmy: explain the basic
idea. >> so basically i'm from sacramento, which is where tower was originated. and tower, the founder of tower, russ solomon, amazing character. he started selling used 78s out of his father's drugstore in 1939. >> jimmy: tower drugstore? >> yes. the tower drugstore. and eventually it evolved into opening the first tower records in 1960. by the time they went bankrupt in 2006, they had over 192 stores around the world. and so when i found out about that drugstore, because coming from sacramento, tower's a point of civic pride. but i didn't know much about its history. when i found out about that drugstore, i instantly just went, well, that sounds like a documentary. if it starts there and ends there and it involves the music industry, i'm sure there are a lot of really great stories. >> you have all these people, elton john, bruce springsteen, dave grohl, talking about what tower meant to them. dave grohl worked at a tower
records store. >> he worked at tower records in virginia. >> jimmy: elton john would go in all the time. >> elton, they would open the store early for elton. he would have his limo driver carry a box, elton had a list of records and he'd buy three, one for each one of his houses. he did that for decades. >> those are great. just going through the record store. now we get everything so easily. it's not the same. i know we romanticize everything, but -- >> it's like the way i look at it, i don't remember -- when i look at a certain album i don't remember, i remember where i was when i downloaded that, it was so great. know what i mean? >> jimmy: i was at home. >> i was at home in my underwear. great, oh, and then i just danced the night away. so for me, it's something about record stores and going and that physical interaction, that personal connection. but then also tower itself, it was such an amazing company. there were people that worked at tower. they started at clerks.
they worked there for 30 years. ended up basically the highest of the food chain there within the company. there were people that spent a huge chunk of their life there. >> jimmy: i was one of them. >> and then when they went bankrupt, they all had to fire each other. so it's really a very human story. it's really not so much a documentary about the music industry so much as it is about this misfit family that came together and took over the world and had a lot of fun doing it. >> jimmy: it's excellent. especially if you're into that sort of thing. it's called? >> "all things must pass." >> jimmy: colin hanks, everybody. thank you, colin. be right back with edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by at&t. mobilizing your world.
"ride away" (by roy orbison begins to play) ♪ i ride the highway... ♪ i'm going my way... ♪i leave a story untold... he just keeps sending more pictures... if you're a free-range chicken, you roam free. it's what you do. if you want to save fifteen percent or more on car insurance, you switch to geico. it's what you do. ♪ two wheels a turnin'...
everyone in austin, texas, for supporting it. i want to thank willie nelson, colin hanks and apologize to matt damon, he was not invited to participate. "nightline" is next, but first, this is their album "live in no particular order." here with the song "if i were free," edward sharpe and the magnetic zeros. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ if i were free i would run into battle with flowers and hugs and bow at the boots of our well-oiled thugs ♪ ♪ yes, if i were free if it were me i would yell out i love you ♪ ♪ to all i passed i would disrobe and disco and rip off my mask
that would sweep every castle made of sand out across the old ♪ ♪ far holy land oh, if this were free if this were free we'd be free of the ♪ ♪ terror of the graves and fear masquerading as the brave oh, if this were free ♪ ♪ ♪ i woke upon a of red white and blue the circus got too heavy so we fell into the zoo ♪
♪ swimming with ancients ♪ laughing tired of getting lost we took our left remember ♪ ♪ when we leaned upon the cross what did you see i saw that you and i ♪ ♪ forever have been free the light became too heavy and we fell into a dream ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> this is a song called "all wash out the rain." here's the thing, though. i feel like it's raining outside, by the way -- and this is going to sound really dopey. but any of y'all already had chairs all night so it's not
very special. i want to invite you upstage but i didn't clear it with anyone so i'm going to come out to y'all. maybe i could even like come sneak in with you guys here. okay. and then maybe, maybe we could all just -- we could all just sit down. but it's not very -- you know what, here, i'll just stand up. just to be with y'all. this is a song called "all wash out." you'll get the lyrics in a second. you can snap if you want to. ♪ oh, here come chilly preacher stumbling 'gainst the wind singing love ♪ ♪ love is something i believe in. >> i didn't know i was going to do this show late night. ♪ to my defenses dangling from
the chain ♪ this is "nightline." catch me if you can. he's the self-proclaimed travel expert so good at gaming the system he compares himself to this famous con man. he says you too can fly in style and stay at the nicest hotels with his creative and questionable hacks. >> there's nothing wrong with being shameless. the way for apple's latest innovation the watch is almost over and it can be traced right back to this top-secret apple lab. tonight we're getting an exclusive look inside. plus, the godfather of film. >> don corleone. >> he's left his mark on 47 movies. for 48 al pacino will show a new side. tonight behind