tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC January 18, 2018 11:35pm-12:37am EST
just want to share one personal note. i notice there's a guy in the audience named chuck who years ago taught me to hey we're on the brink of a government shut down and congress are trying to hammer out some kind of agreement to keepnd south koreas have a better relationship than republicans and democrats. republicans are saying the democrats are shutting the government down even shut their computers down without paul ryan's permission. but the republicans have done something that i think is bad. they've expired.
it's scary for parents the funding should not have ran out it is supported overwhelmingly by republicans and democrats and all mitch mcconnell had to do was put it up at a vote but now a bargaining tool and now we're on the brink of the whole government shutting down. i know it's complicated. i have something that might make sense it's time for barist a theater everyone [ cheers and applause ] here i am at my local coffee establishment. hello i'd like a cap chino please. >> great one cappacino and one giant bag of horse [ bleep ]. >> but i don't want a bag of
horse [ bleep ]. >> yeah it's kind of a two for one thing. >> oh. >> you want the cap, you also have to pay for the a giant bag of horse [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: what if i just want the cappucino. >> you start making demands like that i will shut down this establishment. >> you will shut down the store you work at. >> yeah. >> it's absurd -- and scene. thank you. [ cheers and applause ] all right. so that's what's happening. bottom line, they want to fund chip which they claim they do they could do it immediately, there would be no votes against it but they want to use children's health for leverage. unfortunate this rouse got more difficult this morning to pull off because president trump who
has weird flashes of common sense tweeted that chip should be a long term solution which is 100% correct but is the exact opposite what the white house said yesterday. now the guys don't know what to do especially because it's unclear whether the president understands that chip is a government program and not a bag of cookies whose last name is ahoy [ cheers and applause ] i have to say, i've been thinking about this, i think donald trump actually wants a government shut down i think he thinks it will be like a snow day for him to take off. the president is feeling good about the results of his annual checkup even though thinks weight is 239 pounds he said in an interview that he gets exercise, i mean, i walk, i think, i that.
[ applause ] sometimes when he's feeling up it to it, he naps. what's that even mean. he continued and said i run over to a building next door. i get more exercise than people think. he runs to a building. you 2340e know you're wearing a suit doesn't count as exercise. this is the white house. there is no building next door. unless he's been running to the washington monument. there's no way he's running next door. let's be honest only part of trump's body that get exercise are his thumbs. the white house doctor claims trump is 6'3" even though his license says 6'2" it was a small detail, he was 6'3" would be in over weight at 6'2" he'd fall into category of obesity where he didn't want to be, it's a
controversy that ted cruz got in his sticky web. >> i'm going to leave it to the president's doctor. >> you're 5'10" and campaigned against him. >> by the way i'm not 5'10" the internet is a strange place. >> how tall are you? >> 5'11". [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: 5'11" in flats, 6'2" in heels. [ laughter ] president trump was in pittsburgh today, walking, he was talking, he was doing that, this, he was there to bask in the glow of admirers at an equipment supplier where the president took a rare opportunity to boast. >> something i'm really proud of, i've been saying is it, what do you have to lose, african-american unemployment is at its lowest level ever recorded.
[ cheers and applause ] >> look at all those white people clapping. [ laughter ] he really is bringing us together. by the way, remember how over the weekend everyone in hawaii got a text alert saying there was a missile on the way and turned out there wasn't. this is a fun statistic the website porn hub you know what it is, they releeszed a chart of traffic in hawaii before and after the missile alert when people thought they were going to down traffic went down 70% from usual but after everyone found out it was all okay it shot up to 48% above the normal level. at 8:45 people they got the all clear text by 9:01 they were all clearing their browser history. isn't that something. some men celebrate i guess. i'm alive let's see everything works.
either than or i have another theory. may have been another reason for the surge in adult activity. look who was visiting hawaii on that very day. none other than president bill clinton. think he was looking at the boats don't think so. this is maybe too good. we are constantly scouring news channels across the country, we have a team of four very sad men who do it every day, the thing that keeps them going is the hope of striking gold and tonight god bless them it did coming from long island. >> planning to build high power line 72 miles underground between union dale and you know can onion brook people worried about traffic in that route including hugh james. >> i mean, there's already
enough during rush hour. >> hugh janis i heard of him. let me take you through this process. before there was cavemen said can we talk to you, yeah, he did, said what's you're name, he said huge janis not one person said really? anyway whatever your real name is, congratulations. they say heroes come in many forms that was one of them. on saturday president trump celebrated his first year in office. been almost a year since the inauguration even though it seems like dog years like so many more. president trump approval rating to the polls is 37% isn't great
that's the poll for adults i wanted to see what kids thought. so we stopped children on the street and asked how is the president doing. their answers went exactly like this. ♪ >> how do you think trump has done in his first year in office? >> great. >> what do you think he's done that's so great? >> to save the world. >> to save the world? from what? >> from harmony. [ laughter ] >> you think donald trump has done a good job in his first year as president? >> no. >> why not? >> because he wants to put a wall over mexico and i like, love going to mexico. >> what's the first thing you think of when i say donald trump. >> small fingers and little face. >> what's the worse thing he's done? >>um, i think he needs to stop
threatening north korea. >> why? >> because i don't want to get nuked. >> what's the first thing you think of when you hear donald trump? >> pictures. >> pictures of what? >> of princesses. >> do you think he's smart? >> no. >> why not? >> he treats people badly that's why i don't think he's smart. >> what's one nice thing you can say about donald trump? >> he has kind of cool hair, i think. >> he has cool hair, whose is cooler his or yours? >> mine. >> donald trump has a lot of nicknames for people like crooked hillary, rocket man do you have a nickname for him. >> poop face. >> mr. tiny hands. >> cheato. >> can you do an impression of him. >> it's gonna be great. >> we are gonna build a wall and it will be huge.
>> i will build a wall. a big one. >> china, china, china. [ laughter ] >> can you give us an impression of the president for us. >> you're fired! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was great. we're going to take a break. when we come back i have a special award show just for president trump so stick around we'll be right back. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] with 33 individual vertebrae and 640 muscles in the human body, no two of us are alike. life made more effortless through adaptability. the perfect position seat in the lincoln continental. ( ♪ )
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it's not just something we say when you arrive. the warmth of an irish welcome stays with you long after you leave. so come on over. we'll give you the inside track. and let you into some little secrets that will take you back through history, bring our landscapes to life, and make your evenings last longer. welcome to ireland. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: welcome back to the show. tonight on the show - music from maroon 5 - jason jones is
here. last night president trump gave out his first ever awards for fake news. what a great job. i thought it would be a whole presentation instead tweeted a link to list of awards on g.o.p..com unfortunately the link didn't work for an hour so this is what people got when they clicked on the awards it looked like the awards might be fake news themselves. but the big winner was cnn. new york times, times, news week and our network abc each picked up an award apiece. very thoughtful for the president to hand out awards to the media, dishonest awards but still since he did it to us i think only fair to extend the same honor to him so tonight the first annual dishonest corrupt president awards. [ cheers and applause ] that's right.
and the first award is for best fabric ate te fabricateded numbers. nominees are. the number of illegal voters. >> 3 to 5 million voters? >> could be that much. >> time magazine covers i've been on their cover 14 or 15 times i think we have the all-time record in history of time magazine. >> and donald trump's net worth. >> i'm over $10 billion. >> and the winner of the award for best fabricated numbers is illegal voters. [ cheers and applause ] and accepting on behalf of illegal voters our very own guillermo. guillermo? [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> thank you. >> jimmy: you're welcome. our next category is least convincing display of love.
and the nominees are. women. >> i love women, i cherish women. >> his children. >> i love my children. i love my children. >> and the mexican people. >> i love the mexican people. >> and the award for whatever that was is mexican people. [ cheers and applause ] accepting on behalf of the mexican people [ cheers and applause ] guillermo. >> gracias. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: next. the award for best self-proclaimed bestness. and the nominees are taxes. >> i understand the tax laws better than almost anyone. >> jimmy: the military. >> there's no one bigger or better at the military than i am. >> jimmy: and words. >> i know words i have the best words. >> jimmy: and the winner is words.
[ cheers and applause ] accepting the award on behalf of words please welcome the word, thanks [ cheers and applause ] thanks, thanks. and finally, the big award of the night, outstanding achievement in obama fan fiction. and the nominees are, kenya. >> his grandmother in kenya said oh, no he was born in kenya and i was there and i witnessed the birth. >> jimmy: islam. >> he doesn't have a birth certificate now he may have one but there's something on there maybe religion, maybe it says he's a muslim. >> jimmy: and isis. >> president obama. he's the founder, he's the
founder of isis. he's the founder. he founded isis. >> jimmy: and the winner is, isis is the winner. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ accepting on behalf of isis the leader of isis, abu bakerabu da drks i. >> thank you for this award. i have been thinking of it since a was a little boy. and infidels [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you. congratulations to all our winners. especially the biggest winner of them all our president trump wow. one more thing it's thursday night. time to bleep and blur. shouldn't someone kill him he's right there.
it's this week unnecessary censorship. >> i didn't ask this question so i could be wrong but i would say he [ bleep ] four or five [ bleep ] a night. >> bottom line this is a president who wants to be [ bleep ]. >> i remember vividly as a nine-year-old sitting in the kitchen getting my [ bleep ] by my uncle. >> i think we should all stop [ bleep ] during cold and flu season. >> we hope this experience gives north korea and it's athletes a small taste of [ bleep ] and that rubs off and something that spreads. >> will the president [ bleep ] on the wall. >> i want to make a good impression i'm getting my [ bleep ] today. >> it's a beautiful blast of [ bleep ] in your mouth. >> so one item on betty's bucket list that is [ bleep ] robert r redford. >> allow me to demonstrate by [ bleep ] on your [ bleep ]. >> i -- i approve of that. ♪
[ cheers and applause ] tonight on the show - music from maroon 5 - jason jones is here - and we'll be right back with adam levine. cheer ♪ ro area. go, go, go, go, go! we can fit more! there's still more room! we gotta go. juicer! we don't have a juicer! the volkswagen tiguan. it fits everything you need, and everything you don't.
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the show," the detour" - which can be seen on tbs - jason jones is here. then - their album is called "red pill blues" - maroon 5 from the mercedes-benz outdoor stage. next week - we have new shows - with zach galifianakis, lisa kudrow, viola davis, antonia thomas, sarah hyland, rich eisen, thomas haden church and aaron paul - with music from tune-yards, ajr, bahamas, and lanco. ed so please join us next week. our first guest tonight is a grammy award-winning musician on an emmy winning tv show - and, in my opinion, the sexiest of all the sexiest men alive. this album by his band maroon 5 is called "red pill blues." please welcome adam levine! [ cheers and applause ] ♪
>> jimmy: i want to say i know you're a lot more fashionable than i am but it looks like there was a fire in the middle of the night and buttyou put on whatever was closest. >> that's exactly what a was going for. >> jimmy: and you've been to the beauty party as well. >> i have. stress really. >> jimmy: before you do something like this, before you dye your hair, which is a big step to take, do you run it by your life or check with anyone, for me it would be a huge thing to dye my hair. >> yes, the short answer is my wife loves it when i do it. >> jimmy: she does? >> i ran it by her because i want her to want to -- >> jimmy: i see. right. >> so of course but like, why would you do anything that would, now he, put you in a less than advantageous position when it comes to the person you want
to sleep with you. you want that from them. >> jimmy: it's a smart question. a question my wife often asks me. why say something like that right before. and i don't know why. >> just say nothing. >> jimmy: i wish that was an option. >> just sit there and you know. >> jimmy: this is why you've impregnant nated your wife as well. you have a 16 month old daughter. >> i do. >> jimmy: and you have a baby coming soon, right. >> very, very soon, like any minute now, very close. >> jimmy: the baby were to come, like, right now, like hey i got to go to the hospital would the rest of the guys in the maroon 5 would the show go on without you? >> oh, would they do it without me? >> jimmy: yeah. >> no. for obvious reasons. >> jimmy: like jump in this is show biz we got to make it
happen. >> one reason it wouldn't happen because valentine would have to step up and sing and he doesn't know any of the words, to this day after 20 years. >> jimmy: so the baby comes you're out of there. >> show is over. >> jimmy: how did you do in the delivery room the first time. >> yes, i was definitely in the delivery room the whole time. i received a tip from carson daily. >> jimmy: okay. >> you know television's carson daily. >> jimmy: i've noecknown carson since he was 12 years old so the idea of him giving advice on anything. >> well he has like 400 kids. >> jimmy: yeah. >> he said i have to eat something. remember to eat. a large percentage of new dads when wife's in labor they faint a lost the time. i don't know that is true. it sounded pretty official the way he told me.
>> jimmy: i do know men do pass out in the delivery room regularly. a hell of a way to start as a dad. >> a horrible vibe. not the pillar of strength she was hoping for. >> jimmy: was it good advice? >> it was good advice but can be used, misused so i go to craigs the restaurant i'm like i got eat a lot of food because otherwise i will faint. this is super embarrassing si se myself telling the story and regretting it. so huge bag of food to the house, cheese burgers, pizzas and comfort food and i started going at it. what i discovered about myself is i'm a nervous eater. so all throughout, she was going throughout labor throughout the day. was beautiful. i zenned out. i became a different person.
i'm not this guy. i actually went a different direction. i was eating a lot though. so by the time we got to the hospital i put back an unbelievable amount of food so i basically am bursting at the seams like i'm going to [ bleep ] my pants like there's no other way i can tell you this. but like also my wife is, is, in labor so it's the lamest thing to be when you're wife is going to be having a baby and you're like i got to take a [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: yeah my stomach hurts. >> that's in no way a viable complaint and so you got to keep it in inside literally and figuratively i didn't want to go to the bathroom and come back and the baby's out. >> jimmy: would be funny as hell but brutal. >> so i waited. doubled over in pain and finally the baby came.
it was beautiful and amazing. second the close was clear, my wife's good, everyone's healthy and happy, took one of the nurses aside like look you got find me a bathroom. she's like there's one right here. it's like at the foot of my wife's bed. >> jimmy: not this one. cheer here [ cheers and applause ] >>. >> jimmy: that's fatherhood for you. you jump right into fatherhood usually takes guys more time to get there. you're what they call a natural. adam levine is here. his ad april is called "red pill blues". we'll be right back. oh. hey! at least your taxes are free! what?! with turbotax absolute zero! at least your taxes are free! you're throwing a rope to me?! no, no, no, at least your taxes are free!
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♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: adam levine is here a and i think we should move past what we were talking about. >> i do too. >> jimmy: i want to ask you next month "the voice" returns. >> that sounds right. your fellow coach sometimes friend sometimes nemesis was named "people" magazine sexiest man alive two years after you
were named sexiest man alive. >> yeah, i mean, like, ugh. okay. so there's some funny things. >> jimmy: i could imagine him making fun of you when you were named sexiest man alive. >> i give him credit he thought it was really cool hence the reason he chased it down for couple years. here's the thing when i got the thing i made a speech on your show as you remember. >> jimmy: yes. >> and behind me was a huge picture of the cover so giant. i don't know you know this but i took it, framed it, which is not, this is not a cheap practical joke by the way, a lot more expensive than i care to admit. i framed it and sent it to his house in oklahoma. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> i did, truth. and he put it up in his barn [ laughter ] and it's there now. and i guess that lit a fire
under him. he's not sexy. [ laughter ] it also made it feel worse that i got it. >> jimmy: it cheapened it for you. >> a lot. like sexy dude got before i did. all right cool guess i'm sexy now that blake got it guess i'm not as sexy as i thought. >> jimmy: sorry he ruined that for you. i want to ask you about the title of the "red pill blues" is that matrix related. >> it's matd rix related it's dirty. here's the "red pill blues" thing, naming an album is the worse. >> jimmy: is it worse. >> we all come up with names and becomes dumber and dumber and dissolves into a really bad think tank that goes nowhere. finally we were in rocking rio in brazil. there's jesse, we were talking, i came up, it came out "red pill
blues" talking about the matrix, wouldn't it be cool. the whole point is the feel the red pill is one of those whren you're part of the underground cool rebellion and blue pill is you're in the matrix don't know what's going on it's oblivion i feel there's some people who took the red pill because they were righteous in the moment and then saw this reality in the under world they're like [ bleep ] i regret this immediately. >> i would think ahead and just take the blue pill. >> no doubt some red pill takers were contemplating their decision. i thought it was nice play on words and of course the blues, music. just one of those thing that's sounds great and has cool meaning. >> how many in maroon 5. >> like 17. >> jimmy: yeah it's not 5. you ever think of changing the number? >> no i think we're going to stick with the number. >> jimmy: stick with the number. >> we have a lot of musicians
that we love and are our friends forever it's nice to have them in the fold, you know, ben folds five had three members. >> jimmy: that's right. he gave himself to grow. >> we should have gone with seven or eight. >> jimmy: yeah should have called ben. you know the band can't sing without you. >> we can just see, let's just stay here and see. >> jimmy: see what happens. >> like all right guys let's do it. >> jimmy: it's very good to have you here. adam levine, maroon 5, "red pill blues" is out now. we'll be right back with jason jones. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] what? i switched to geico and got more. more savings on car insurance? a-ha. and an award-winning mobile app. that is more. oh, there's more.
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cheer here [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: we're back moon jaears on the way. you know our next guest from the daily show - where he worked with his wife samantha bee - with whom he teams up again as writer & executive producer of his very funny show "the detour"- the season three premiere is tuesday at 10:30 on tbs, please welcome jason jones.
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: i mentioned in your introduction that you, did you meet your wife on the daily show? >> no we met in canada. >> jimmy: oh, you're canadian. >> yes. >> jimmy: what were you doing before "the daily show". >> like the girl that works out here, serving at hurricane links i was an unemployed actor and i came down to the united states and was greeted with great success often an extreme crafting game show. >> jimmy: what's an extreme crafting game show? >> you take crafts and a host, myself, who is a [ bleep ] and he makes fun of the crafters. >> jimmy: oh. >> yeah. >> jimmy: while they're
crafting? >> while they're crafting and crafting people are sweet, delicate souls. >> jimmy: it's a gentle group. >> it is and i was out acting like vince mccmah orkon making f their crafts. there was one craft about 20 minutes into it the producers gave me a leaf blower. [ laughter ] one poor girl hadn't sewed them on yet she spent so much time and i just came around and yelled hey it's cheaper and easier to buy stuff. and i just blew all her leafs. >> jimmy: it is cheap er easier. >> and tack down your leafs before a jerk comes down. >> jimmy: tack down your leaves. >> tack them down folks.
it's a miracle that that show didn't work. this show is doing great. this is yr third season? >> yes. >> jimmy: explain what the show is about. >> it's basically a tight-knit family. changes every year. first year season was a road trip through florida. second season about us moving to new york. and it evolves. this season we're on the run from the postal inspection service in alaska. >> jimmy: yeah. it's kind of like, it is very funny like the vacation movies like national lampoon but combined with ozark. >> a little bit you haven't seen it on the first show my doubt who are is 10 at the time gets her period at the strip club. that sets the tone you get it after that. >> jimmy: it's high brow thing. >> the strippers are very nice, they take her through it. >> jimmy: you have an episode in alaska this year.
>> we're the whole season in alaska. >> jimmy: oh, okay are you really in alaska or shoot else where. >> shot it in my home country canada because it's cleepe eer cheaper. >> jimmy: you did get a famous alas alaskan to appear. >> i don't like to giveaway spoilers but the former first man mr. todd palin. >> jimmy: the snow machinist. >> he read the script and went glad you called it a snow machine. i'm like of course i have to call it a snow machine. >> jimmy: did you goof on him when you were doing the show. >> he was a very lovely man. he played a referee i was an intense hockey coach, coaching small children who couldn't skate but i was really intense. he makes a bad call and we get into a fight, the ref and myself
fight and as we're tussling i threw in the line i've been to your house todd you can't see russia. [ laughter ] and then he threw out the line, she never said that. >> jimmy: was he just defending himself. >> yeah and i was like hope that was cool. he's like yeah, you got your joke in. >> jimmy: they're probably used to that by now. >> i think they're pretty used to it. >> jimmy: you're the producer, writer, and star of the show. >> yeah. >> jimmy: which is the most difficult of the three jobs. >> they're equally difficult when you mess up. i'm in charge of 150 people at any given time. funny last season we did this scene where we're boating from florida to cuba, there's a lot of traveling in the show if i haven't guessed, we jump in the
boat and peel away from the bad guy but i didn't know how to boat. >> jimmy: really because i think you are can get your voting license at 14 years old. >> it's just a test. like $14. >> jimmy: you don't drive a boat wow. >> yeah. so i took it up on to the dock, like the whole boat on to the dock, a very narrow slip and i just went, and drove it up on to the dock. everybody is worried about my safety and my wife was in it. they were all worried of course and we shot in staten island and made it worse when all of those guys came down and went what did i rogue wave hit you. yeah the wichbds are really picking up. i can see how you can't drive a boat straight out of the slip.
then the executive producer in me said oh, wait we got away with a $100,000 stunt for like a $100 deductible on the boat. >> jimmy: well you're wearing a i lot of hats. well the show is very funny. the season premiere of "the detour" airs next tuesday at 10:30 on tbs. and we shall return - with music [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> announcer: "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz, best or nothing. -♪ well, i'm trying to get home ♪ ♪ but it feels like another life ♪
♪ yeah, i'm trying to stay strong ♪ -hey! -♪ but sometimes i realize ♪ that the further i go ♪ the more that i know ♪ that i want to go home -[ snorting ] -when you and your money are treated with respect, you prosper. and at santander bank respect adds up. anif you've got a lifee. you gotta swifferr.
in a dress that color no it's a special occasion♪ ♪ not invited but i'm glad i made it oh let me apologize i'll make up make up make up make up♪ ♪ for all those times your love i don't wanna lose i'm beggin' beggin' beginn' beggin' i'm♪ ♪ begging you wait can you turn around can you turn around just wait can we work this out can we♪ ♪ work this out just wait can you call me please 'cause i wanna be with you wait can you turn♪ ♪ around can you turn around just wait can we work this out can we work this out just wait♪ ♪ can you call me please 'cause i wanna be with you can we talk for a moment got these♪
♪ feelings that i'm tired of holding on wasn't tryna get wasted i needed more than three♪ ♪ or four to say this oh let me apologize yeah i'll make up make up make up make up for all♪ ♪ those times all those times your love i don't wanna lose i'm beggin' beggin' beginn' beggin'♪ ♪ i'm begging you wait can you turn around can you turn around just wait can we work this out can♪ ♪ we work this out just wait can you call me please 'cause i wanna be with you wait can you♪ ♪ turn around can you turn around just wait can we work this out can we work this out just wait♪ ♪ can you call me please 'cause i wanna be with you
you say i'm just another bad guy you say♪ ♪ i've done a lot of things i can't undo the last time♪ ♪ i'm beggin' beggin' beggin' beggin' you wait can you turn around can you turn around just♪ ♪ wait can we work this out can we work this out ♪ be with you wait can you turn around can you turn around just wait can we work this out can♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you!
this is "nightline." >> tonight the nightmare next door, the california couple accused of torturing their family of 13 children. disturbing new details of the alleged horrors hidden in that suburban home, chained to beds, starved and allowed to shower only once a year. neighbors recalling bizarre beharvb behavi behavior. >> how long would they march back and forth. >> hours. >> and a 17-year-old who alerted police how she planned the daring escape for years. plus the monkey going bananas, now a hip new viral
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