[ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪

[ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ singing in spanish ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you very much. >> jay: juanes, nice job. thank you, my friend. good to see you again. thank you so much. thank you, gentlemen. thank you, thank you. i want to thank my guests,

charlize theron, jeffrey dean morgan, and of course, juanes. and tomorrow night, glenn close and the winner of "american idol." but "jimmy fallon" happening right now. jimmy, take it! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> steve: from studio 6b in rockefeller center, the national broadcasting company presents -- tonight's guests are -- and featuring the legendary roots crew. and here he is -- jimmy fallon! [ cheers and applause ] captions paid for by nbc-universal television -- captions by vitac -- www.vitac.com

♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: we have a great show tonight. it's going to be fun. welcome to "late night with jimmy fallon," everybody. it's going to be a fun night. thank you for coming. thank you for watching. hey guys, some news -- some news out of washington. today members of the secret service told the senate that there's an unwritten rule amongst agents that what happens on the road stays on the road. [ laughter ] not to be confused with that written rule that they shouldn't have sex with prostitutes. [ laughter ] >> steve: that's actually written down. >> jimmy: not to be confused with that. >> steve: law, rule. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: check this out you guys, airports here in new york city will start using a hologram to greet passengers. [ laughter ] so if you thought it was -- going through security was weird before, wait 'til you get patted down by tupac. [ laughter ] weird. big fan of your stuff.

here's an election update. today, mitt romney met with a group of wealthy latino business owners, or as romney calls them, the juan percent. [ laughter ] [ singing mexican hat dance ] ♪ [ cheers ] silly. two for the price of one, that joke. double whammy. hey, guys, you hear about this? yesterday, wildlife officials in california tried to capture a cougar that was wandering around a mall. [ laughter ] yeah, the cougar wasn't shopping. it was just hitting on the shirtless 18-year-olds outside abercrombie and fitch. [ laughter ] something we can do for you, ma'am? [ applause ] listen to this. a recent survey found that more men are finding work in fields that are historically dominated

by women. yeah. i heard it from that nun at my church, sister gary. [ laughter ] [ applause ] no, no, i'm sorry. don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. stop, please. it wasn't that great. i don't want -- i don't feel like i earned that one. did you guys see this? a restaurant in texas is rewarding customers who place their order in spanish with a free pizza. while the restaurant in arizona is rewarding customers who do that with a free trip back to mexico. [ cheers ] isn't that nice? so nice. [ applause ] some sad news this week. the man who invented the tv remote passed away at the age of 96. [ audience aws ] i was actually going to attend the funeral but it was all the way over there. [ laughter ] get into this "law and order," i guess.

check this out. this week, the man who invented super mario brothers was honored for creating a social revolution. of course, the ceremony was met with protests from that one group, turtles. [ laughter ] and finally, after losing billions of dollars, mark zuckerberg is being sued for hiding facebook's weak financial report. yep, apparently he put it somewhere no one will ever look -- myspace. [ laughter ] we have a great show tonight! give it up for the roots! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey! we have great show tonight. a lot of big stars. a lot of fun stuff. funny stuff. hey, guys, check this out. that's right. "thank you notes 2" is available right now. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> steve: the deuce. >> jimmy: you can get it right now.

the deuce. play some music right there, if you listen to it. ♪ yeah, yeah. yeah. first 50,000 or so play music on it. >> steve: do you order from the zon? >> jimmy: i was going to say, you can get it from the zon or anywhere else, barnes and nobes. >> steve: barnes and nobes. >> jimmy: b and n. >> steve: b and n. >> jimmy: but you know what i'm going to do, if we release another book, you press the button and it just reads the book to you. >> steve: yeah. >> jimmy: audio book. >> steve: yeah, but you have to just turn the pages. >> jimmy: yeah, you don't even have to do that. you just sit there and look for the remote. [ laughter ] whatever you want to do. so listen. normally, i just tell you guys to go out and buy it today, but i got a different plan. all right. so listen to this. they have this thing on amazon called amazon sales rank that ranks their highest selling books. right now we're at 27. are we on 27? where are we at? 28. ooh, boy. >> steve: boo. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not looking good. the top 27 were all "50 shades of grey." [ laughter ]

>> steve: "50 shades of gray." 60 shades of gray. 70 shades of gray. >> jimmy: anyway, so we're 28. but they rank it every hour. that's the way amazon works. they change it all the time. so i wanted to try something special. if you haven't bought the book yet, wait. then, tomorrow at 3:00 p.m. new york time -- [ laughter ] -- 12:00 noon on the west coast, i want everyone to go on amazon and buy one copy of the book. >> steve: right. >> jimmy: and then, the book will shoot to number one. and we can make this happen, you guys. no more "50 shades of grey," number one book. [ cheers and applause ] i need your help. we can do this. it's a perfect gift for grads, dads, moms, mads. >> steve: sons. >> jimmy: sads, any fabs. >> steve: glad. rabbis, priests, anybody. >> jimmy: rabs, crabs. >> steve: crabs. >> jimmy: crabs. [ laughter ] i mean, yeah. how much it is now?

$8.39. >> steve: what's 50 shades of dirty? how much does that cost? [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: where is that thing? >> jimmy: got to load up there. "shades of grey," book one. nine -- >> steve: it looks like my tie. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got something you want to tell me, dude? look at this. "50 shades of grey." one, two, three. there really are. i'm not kidding. "50 shades darker." [ laughter ] "hunger games." people love "the hunger games." >> steve: people love the hungs. >> jimmy: they love -- [ laughter ] [ cheers ] that's the sixth chapter of "50 shades of grey." [ cheers and applause ] anyway, tomorrow 3:00 p.m. new york, 12:00 west coast. let's see if we can do it. [ cheers and applause ] number one book. number one book. number one book. number one book. number one book. number one book. number one book. ♪ number one book we've got a fun show tonight. a great actress, the star of "nurse jackie," edie falco is here! [ cheers and applause ]

he's a hilarious stand-up comedian, jim gaffigan is dropping by! [ cheers and applause ] and we'll have a performance from the magical, the legendary penn and teller tonight! [ cheers and applause ] you never know what's going to happen with those guys. i can't wait. but first, here at "late night," we like to pay tribute to things in life that really matter. and that's why this week we're saluting a cultural phenomenon that is truly important, truly timeless, truly permanent. it's the permanent, aka, the perm. that's right, everyone, it's "late night" perm week. here we go. ♪ it's perm week oh my god it's perm week oh my god ♪ [ laughter ] jimmy: how's it going, buddy? how's it going? "late night" perm week. [ laughter ]

"late night" perm week. >> steve: it looks good. now you got like a curl in front, like superman. yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know who saved the children from the burning building. [ laughter ] hey, "late night" perm week is a very special week, where each day we pick one person from our audience and stylishly perm their hair. tonight's lucky perm recipient is matt peckman. there's matt. look at that dude. he's 25 years old. he's from pearl river, new york. he works in finance at barclays. >> steve: mmm. >> jimmy: yeah. he's very excited about his new hairdo. it's been a big day for matt. take a look at this guy. >> i'm matt peckman. i'm 25, and today i'm getting a perm. having a perm will take me to a new level. i think when i'm talking to outside clients on the phone, it's going to really help letting them know i have a perm. >> hey, my name's rob. i'm matt's brother. just drove down from boston to see what this guy looks like in a few hours. >> in a perfect world, it'd be real cool if i looked like bob ross, that painter dude.

>> i went to college with this sexy beast. i think the perm can only take him over the top. >> he's going to be a big beautiful dork with a perm. >> this will be my first and probably last perm. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: can't wait to see what matt is going to look like. now, matt has been sequestered since he got permed. so he hasn't seen himself yet. and his friends and family haven't seen him either. this entire process has been cloaked in secrecy. we've got his brother and two friends right here. say hello, guys. >> hello. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: now, rob, you're the brother. >> yep, that's right. >> jimmy: now, is there a history of perming in your family? >> no, i think he's breaking new ground with this one. >> jimmy: yeah, he's definitely -- yeah, yeah, yeah. yeah, you might have to do it, too. i don't think your one buddy can do it, but in a couple years he can grow it out. [ laughter ] they both did that. no, it wasn't good. [ laughter ] hey, you never know. now, don't -- please don't remove your blindfolds until i tell you, okay? you guys ready to meet the brand new, freshly permed matt? [ cheers and applause ] here's matt before, and here he

is now. matt, come on out! [ drum roll ] ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: pretty awesome. he's got confidence. a confidence that you were lacking earlier, you have it now. >> i've got a perm now. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i can do anything. >> jimmy: yeah. you can go and do anything. >> take on the whole world. >> jimmy: all right, guys, come on over here. hold hands. use the buddy system. [ laughter ] come on over. all right. now, you guys ready to see matt? >> yep. >> jimmy: here we go. all right, guys, take off your blindfolds. check out your brother. [ drum roll ] yeah, there you go right there. ♪ >> you look beautiful, baby. beautiful. >> jimmy: good work. yeah. you think he's going to stuart a perming trend in his office. >> freaky fridays. we got to do it. >> jimmy: freaky fridays? all right, good. i don't know what that means. but yeah, all right, we'll do it. every friday somebody gets permed? >> every friday. >> jimmy: yeah, i like this. this is a good thing.

>> thank you. >> jimmy: now, for the most important reveal of all. matt, are you ready to see yourself? >> let's do it. [ drum roll ] >> jimmy: i can tell you're ready. >> yeah. >> jimmy: take a look, my friend. what do you think? ♪ [ applause ] [ cheers and applause ] what is going to happen? are you going to get fired? are you going to get fired? >> as long as i wasn't coming back looking like richard simmons, i think i was going to be all right. >> jimmy: no, you're more mike brady with a beard. [ laughter ] it's very, very good. our thanks to louis licari salons for this wonderful perm. matt, you're a stud. we're giving out perms every night this week on "late night." happy perm week, everybody! stick around. we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ male announcer ] applebee's new sizzling entrees aren't just a "show."

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: welcome back, everybody. thank you for tuning in. i hope you guys are ready. it's time for "battle of the instant bands." here we go. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so before the show, we went through our audience and grabbed a bunch of people who said they were musicians. [ light laughter ] people who have never met. and then, we split them into two bands. here's a shot of them practicing backstage, 20 minutes ago. [ light laughter ] uh-oh. someone looks like trouble. but now, it's time for them to perform. so let's meet these guys right here. welcome to the show, guys. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ why don't you start by telling me your names and where you are. you go first. >> my name is phil, and i'm from brooklyn, new york. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, phil form brooklyn. nice to see you, buddy. thanks for coming out. >> i'm matt. i'm also from brooklyn. >> jimmy: matt from brooklyn, oh, very good. [ cheers and applause ] >> andrew from brooklyn. >> jimmy: andrew from brooklyn, what? [ cheers and applause ] >> and we don't know one other. >> jimmy: yeah.

that's crazy, right? >> i'm james from new jersey. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, no, i'm just kidding. i love new jersey. when you came here today, did you know you'd be performing together? you didn't know that. >> not at all. >> no. >> jimmy: all right. very good. and you've never met before at all, even though you all live in brooklyn? >> no. >> jimmy: except for new jersey. come on. while you were backstage, we asked you to come up with a name for your band. what did you guys come up with? >> da wynnerz. w-y-n-n-e-r-z. >> jimmy: what? >> da wynnerz. >> jimmy: the wynnerz? like an extra "th"? >> like, d-a and then winners spelled with a "y." >> jimmy: oh, da wynnerz. >> da wynnerz. >> jimmy: oh, yeah, yeah. it's da wynnerz, okay. i thought you were saying -- >> da brooklyn. >> jimmy: da wynnerz, okay, good. oh, da wynnerz. >> da wynnerz. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: sorry. i thought you were just struggling, buddy. i didn't know what was happening. [ laughter ] the name of the band is da wynnerz. let's take a look at your album cover, da wynnerz. oh, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] that's pretty good.

very good. all right, guys, here we go. some ladies in here. what are your names? where are you from, guys? >> i'm alexandra. i'm from eau claire, wisconsin. >> jimmy: hey, cool. wisconsin, welcome. >> i'm lexie. i'm from princeton, new jersey. >> jimmy: hey, very good. lexie, how are you? >> i'm colin from st. albert, alberta, canada. >> jimmy: hey, good man. [ cheers and applause ] >> i'm josh from pensacola, florida. >> jimmy: your name's god? >> josh. >> jimmy: josh. [ laughter ] i just met god. i'm god from pensacola, florida. [ laughter ] i didn't know god lived there. what is the name of your band? >> adopt a robot. >> jimmy: adopt a robot. all right, i like that. here's your album cover, adopt a robot. [ laughter ] very artsy. >> wow. >> jimmy: very cool, very, very cool. well now that the stage is set for a battle, look at it. your entire life comes down to what you do over there. and you only had like 20 minutes to put it all together. all right. the winners.

[ light laughter ] da wynnerz, what is the name of your song? >> "face broke." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i get it. i get it. "face broke." all right. go take the stage, da wynnerz. [ cheers and applause ] all right. here they are. get ready. ladies and gentlemen, i can't believe we got this band to come here tonight. [ laughter ] we booked them. here to perform their song "face broke," give it up for da wynnerz! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ well i went on the news feed i talked to my girl said i'd like to know ♪

♪ if i can get some shares at a reasonable price ♪ ♪ but the stock market didn't respond the shares dropped like a rock in a pond ♪ ♪ ♪ gonna choke baby baby i'm face broke ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm face broke i'm face broke face face broke broke face face broke broke ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hey, that was a good ending. that was great come on over, guys. that was good stuff. have a seat. come back over. [ cheers and applause ] hey, that was good stuff. "face face broke broke. face face broke broke" you guys ready to follow that?

>> yeah. i guess so. i don't know. >> jimmy: yeah, talking about some strategy over here. yeah, what is the name of your song? >> "cheap date." >> jimmy: "cheap date," you guys. [ cheers and applause ] exciting. all right. let's head over to the stage and see what you got. good luck. [ cheers and applause ] get over there, god. you guys, i can't believe we got this band. [ drum roll ] but they're here tonight. they're going to perform their hit song "cheap date." give it up for adopt a robot! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> here we go. ♪ adopt a robot ♪ he's a cheap date he knows where to go ♪ ♪ watch the show watch the show let the gravy flow ♪

♪ open up your bag of doritos i like doritos ♪ ♪ do you know do you know what you want to do ♪ ♪ when you don't even have a dollar bill ♪ ♪ love you lots you'll beg goodbye 'cause oh, honey you're a cheap date ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was awesome. come on over here, guys. hey, that was fantastic. it was great. it was awesome. >> thank you. >> jimmy: thank you. all right, guys. get over here. now, it's time for our great audience to pick a winner. [ drum roll ] good job, god. was it da wynnerz? [ cheers and applause ]

was it adopt a robot? [ cheers and applause ] we have a winner! adopt a robot! ♪ congratulations. our winners today will each be getting a $300 gift certificate to guitar center. thank you so much. there you go. [ cheers and applause ] and that's not all. you'll also get to take home your instruments, you guys. ♪ [ applause ] they're all your. go have fun. the runners-up will each be getting a $100 gift certificate to guitar center. here you go. there you are. good job, guys. [ cheers and applause ] they got one in brooklyn. and also, these stylish "late night with jimmy fallon" t-shirts, right there. everyone gets one of those. [ cheers and applause ] also, our thanks to our friends at guitar center, yamaha drums, zildjian cymbals, spector guitars and vic firth for this great equipment. congratulations to our winners. we'll be right back with edie falco, everybody. [ cheers and applause ]

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: our first guest is a four-time emmy award-winning actress for her work on the legendary shows, "the sopranos" and her current critically acclaimed showtime series, "nurse jackie," which airs sundays at 9:00. please welcome, the very talented, edie falco! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: edie falco, we love you. thank you for coming back on the show. >> no joke, i really did do a whole big lip thing on your face. >> jimmy: you did? [ light laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]

feel like i'm a band member of adopt a robot there. [ laughter ] i think it looks cute. thank you so much for doing that. >> oh, sure. >> jimmy: edie falco is awesome. >> all right, all right. >> jimmy: it's perm week. >> yes, so i heard. >> jimmy: yeah, and i was going to ask you if you ever had a perm. but then, i found a great picture. [ laughter ] it's your yearbook photo, pal. >> wow. >> jimmy: yeah. now -- you got -- >> i can't -- is it all right if i don't look? >> jimmy: yeah, you don't have to look. i think you look cute. there she is. [ cheers and applause ] right there. >> there it is. >> jimmy: that is awesome. edith falco right there. >> edith falco. >> jimmy: and you just went to the perm there. >> i didn't know you had to have long hair to get a perm. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i guess you don't, yeah. you got the short hair perm. >> no, i look like a -- yeah. >> jimmy: it's awesome. >> that's good stuff. >> jimmy: but everyone have -- all your friends have it? >> i don't know. i blacked out from that point on. >> jimmy: oh, come on. [ laughter ] >> i don't know what happened. >> jimmy: no -- >> yeah, it was everyone was doing it. but your hair has to be long so it can get curly like that. if it's short, then it gets curly like this. >> jimmy: yes. super tight, yeah, yeah.

>> yeah. your uncle -- is it ed? >> my uncle ed falco. >> jimmy: ed falco wrote the prequel to the "godfather" books. >> "the family corleone," which is selling in all these stores now. >> jimmy: "family corleone." >> yeah. >> jimmy: wait a second. so the two most famous mob families, the sopranos and the corleones, all have to do with the falcos. i mean, you -- >> we are. [ light laughter ] and we are, like, the most normal italian-american suburban -- you know, the fact that we end up, you know, in this world of connectedness is really -- i mean, if you knew, it's actually quite hilarious. >> jimmy: it's hilarious. no, it's good, though. i love it, yeah. >> yeah. me, too. me, too. >> jimmy: yep, that's a good -- >> i'm crazy proud of him. we're so excited about it. i take -- pictures, like, in the windows of bookstores. >> jimmy: was he always, like -- was he into -- >> no, no, he's been a writer forever. he's got lots of novels and poetry and books and plays. and then, he got this gig to write the prequel to the thing -- to "the godfather." >> jimmy: how exciting. >> yes. crazy exciting. >> jimmy: i see you on "nurse jackie." you have a lot of sopranos showing up on that show as well, a lot of different people. >> sure. >> jimmy: gandolfini -- is he ever going to come back? is he ever going to guest star on "nurse jackie," maybe? >> i have an idea. i mean, nobody's gone for it so

far. just having him go by on a gurney -- [ laughter ] -- with a gun shot. and that way, people will stop asking me about the last episode of "sopranos." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: once and for all, we know what happened. >> that's right. [ applause ] kill two birds, as they say. >> jimmy: it is the fourth season of "nurse jackie." and gosh, you're getting rave reviews, and congratulations again. >> thank you, thank you. >> jimmy: i know "e.w." put it on their "must list." >> oh, wow. great. [ applause ] >> jimmy: which is big time, yeah. they don't give it to everybody. >> that's great. >> jimmy: and you do such a great job. >> thank you. >> jimmy: it's a comedy, but it's very -- it does both. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's comedy and serious, too. >> yes. >> jimmy: it's a fun role. >> yes, for sure. >> jimmy: i mean -- yeah. i mean, no perms like the sopranos. you just wear scrubs and -- >> if they tell me to wear -- get a perm, i get a perm. i just do what i'm told, you know. >> jimmy: oh, come on. yeah, yeah. but what's happening on season four now? what's -- >> well, she stops doing drugs, and that's when life gets really interesting, you know. because now, all the things that she used to quell any kind of anxiety, she can't do anymore. so you find all other kinds of ways of dealing, and i think that's where we find her in this season. >> jimmy: and you have a new guy

taking over the hospital. >> bobby cannavale. >> jimmy: bobby cannavale. >> doesn't get better than that. >> jimmy: a tall drink of water. the ladies love that dude. >> i'm just saying. >> jimmy: yeah. [ in raspy voice ] he's got that voice, too. [ laughter ] he kind of sounds like this -- [ mumbling ] he's got that voice, eh? [ laughter ] i saw him at a play, and he screamed the whole play. [ yelling gibberish ] [ laughter ] it was like, stop yelling! he was a good actor, but he scared the crap out of me. >> he's so good. he's so good. and the best part, i mean, beyond being a great actor, is the off -- you know. between -- >> jimmy: off camera. he's a fun guy. >> he's so -- i almost said the f-word. wow. >> jimmy: no, fun. >> he's so very -- he's so very funny. >> jimmy: funny, yeah. yeah, yeah. >> he's funny and fun to be around. >> jimmy: he's very funny. yeah. i want to show a clip of "nurse jackie." here's the great edie falco and bobby cannavale. >> how you doing? >> pants are still dry. let's get a catheter in there before he pees all over us. >> bp and heart rate first. get him out of the jacket and under the monitor, please. >> i only have a tiny window. i really don't want to be cleaning up urine. >> i asked nicely. do it, now. >> fine.

>> oh, that's beautiful. you two, out. you did that on purpose. >> you wanted him out of the jacket. i did what you told me to do. >> you're being insubordinate. >> how? you want to fire me, go ahead. nobody's looking. >> no, i made a promise to my kid. besides, i don't need to fire you. you're a drug addict. i live with one, remember? only a matter of time before you [ bleep ] up again. i'm in no rush. >> neither am i. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "nurse jackie" airs sundays at 9:00 on showtime. [ cheers and applause ] sundays at 9:00. edie falco, everybody. jim gaffigan joins us next. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ [ woman ] for the london olympic games, our town had a "brilliant" idea. support team usa and show our olympic spirit right in our own backyard. so we combined our citi thankyou points to make it happen. tom chipped in 10,000 points. karen kicked in 20,000. and by pooling more thankyou points from folks all over town,

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♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: our next guest is a very, very funny comedian whose latest stand-up special, "mr. universe," is available exclusively at jimgaffigan.com for five bucks. it's totally worth it. you can see him live at the mgm grand theatre at foxwoods on june 2nd. please welcome jim gaffigan! ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "mr. universe."

there he is. >> "mr. universe" -- >> hot pockets! >> thank you, thank you. [ light laughter ] that'll be on my tombstone. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: who doesn't yell "hot pockets" at you? >> you know, it's either that or bacon or "you're sexy and good in bed." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you get a lot of that, yeah. >> i have to point this out. i was talking to quest before the show. i was in my green room. >> jimmy: uh-huh. >> and he came by. and i was like, "hey." and we know each other from twitter. and -- [ laughter ] which essentially means we don't know each other. [ light laughter ] and then -- and so i was talking to him. i was like, "hey, what song are you going to bring me out to?" and he just look at me. he's like, "what?" and for a second i realized -- i was like, "maybe he's not in the band. maybe he's just a black guy with a comb in his hair." [ laughter ] and for a second, i was like, "i'm going to go and kill myself." [ laughter ] -- black people going, "hey, you should be in a band. are you in a band?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you can't do that, man. you can't do that. >> it was very awkward. >> jimmy: yeah, well, now you

kind of know each other. >> but he does -- he's in the band. >> jimmy: yeah, he is definitely in the band. good call. you're in the middle of a 50 city stand-up tour. >> yeah. i'm very excited. >> jimmy: it's a long tour. >> it's a -- you know, it's a lot of hotels. i know comedians don't really talk about hotels really, but i'm joking. [ light laughter ] but i spend too much time in -- sometimes at night, i find myself thinking about hundreds and hundreds of interesting people that have stayed in my room. and then, i'll just get up and sleep in the tub. [ laughter ] [ audience ohs ] that's disgusting. you couldn't give away a used mattress, but you'll pay a hundred bucks to sleep on one for a night. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is weird, right? >> yeah, but i love -- i love the hotels that provide stationery. because the first thing i like to do when i get to my hotel room is write a letter. [ laughter ] "my dearest gwendolyn --" [ laughter ] "i arrived by nightfall at the embassy suites." [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: the embassy suites. >> yes.

"it'll be a fortnight after my return that this letter shall arrive." [ laughter ] "allow me to explain the curious charge in the ledger." [ laughter ] "it is because i miss thee so much, darling, that i accidentally ordered 'sorority sisters 7.'" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, in your act, you do talk about food. you mentioned hot pockets. >> yeah. >> jimmy: living on the road, i remember when i did stand-up -- it's tough. it's just kind of tough. what it is? what do you eat? what's your diet? >> well, lately, i've been eating a lot of subway, which is a bit of a disappointment. i don't know if you've been to subway. you're always like, "hey, subway, eat fresh." and then, you bite it, and you're like, "not fresh, not fresh." [ laughter ] so i think i go to subway -- you know, i go there, and not just because, you know, it's fun watching a clinically depressed person throw together your sandwich. [ laughter ] they make it right in front of us, you think they'd do it with a little bit of flair. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] they're so bummed out.

>> "you want mayonnaise?" and you're like, "uh, sure." and they're like -- [ laughter ] i feel like i'm at benihana. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: not quite that. >> it's brutal. you know, but i love all the steps you have to follow. the first step is you have to pick out your bread. and by that, they mean pick out the color of your bread. [ laughter ] because it all tastes the same, you know? all the toppings are free at subway. "free lettuce! no way!" [ laughter ] "how do you guys pay the rent?" [ laughter ] "are there free napkins?" [ laughter ] i think the toppings are free to distract us from the fact that we shouldn't be paying for the meat. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. that's understood, yeah. >> they are so stingy with that nasty ass meat at subway. [ laughter ] they, like, peel it off like it's from a wad of ones or something. [ laughter ] "here's three slices of ham. get yourself something nice, all right?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. oh, my goodness.

[ cheers and applause ] funny, funny human being. i watched your special on jimgaffigan.com. now, what made you do this thing? this is a new trend now. comedians are streaming, like, their specials right to the website. >> yeah, well, it's -- you know -- it's inspired by louis. it's a louis idea. >> jimmy: louis c.k. >> louis c.k. did this, yeah. >> and really easy to download. $5 and -- >> jimmy: it's like, going to see it at a club, except you don't have to leave your house. >> right. and instead of paying, like, ten bucks on itunes or, you know, $1,000 - - i don't know if -- >> jimmy: no one ever charges $1,000 for it. >> someone might. but so, you know, it's been fun. and, you know, you're forced to go around and do the promotion all by yourself. and i'm grateful to come on here and talk about it. but it's interesting because the thing that i encounter in every interview is -- they're, like, "you're clean. you never curse." and whenever they say that, i always say, "that's a bunch of [ bleep ] bull[ bleep ]." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no, no, no.

jim, no, no, no. jim, no, you don't have to say that. you are -- >> that is [ bleep ] bull [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: stop saying that. [ laughter ] >> that is some [ bleep ] bull [ bleep ]. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, you can't say that. jim! [ cheers and applause ] >> [ bleep ]. >> jimmy: that is not your catchphrase. that's your comedian catchphrase? >> that's my new phrase. >> jimmy: that's your new phrase, yeah. >> but it is. that is some [ bleep ] bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: no, no, no. jim, no. you are very clean. you are very clean in your act. >> i am. >> jimmy: do you choose to be clean? you just -- >> i -- you know, it's how i write everything with my wife. and it's -- it's -- i, you know -- it's not really necessary to bring up that [ bleep ] bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] you know? >> jimmy: you just leave in the blank. >> yeah. no, but it is [ bleep ] bull [ bleep ]. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you guys -- you guys, this is jim gaffigan. you should download his stand-up special. [ cheers and applause ] it's called "mr. universe" at jimgaffigan.com. you'll be glad you did. it makes you laugh. he's a funny, funny man. thanks for coming on, buddy. we'll be right back with penn and teller, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ olive garden's bringing tuscany to you

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[ male announcer ] it's one thing... to have created an icon and quite another to have done it generation after generation. to the long line of legendary mercedes-benz sl roadsters... ♪ the 2013 sl. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] jimmy: we are back with one of the greatest acts around. for over 35 years, they've been entertaining audiences. and they're currently in their 11th year, headlining at the rio hotel in las vegas. let's hear it for penn and teller, everybody! ♪

[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thank you for coming on, guys. >> well, thanks so much for having us. thank you. >> jimmy: and congratulations, 11 years at rio. >> yes, yes. well, thanks. >> jimmy: what's the secret? >> i don't know. you know, we just keep writing new stuff and putting it in, and -- >> jimmy: it's the longest running. >> yeah, i think we're the longest -- well, we have the longest-running, good show in vegas. [ laughter ] so that's the slogan we're putting on all the billboards. >> jimmy: that's very -- yeah, you are awesome. now, i heard you brought some photos because it's perm week. >> oh, yeah. sure, sure. >> jimmy: yeah, teller -- >> we're joiners. we'll do whatever you say. >> jimmy: i appreciate that. >> if you ask us, we will. >> jimmy: we have a picture of teller's -- look at this guy. [ audience ohs ] [ applause ] what a tough guy. oh, look at this! [ cheers and applause ] >> penn, can you please keep in mind before you mock, we both have knives. >> jimmy: that is weird. it's perms and knives. >> perms and knives. >> jimmy: that's next year we'll do that. we'll offer wigs. >> they go together. >> jimmy: now, last time you came here, you brought a nail gun. >> nail gun, yeah. >> jimmy: and it was an amazing, amazing thing. and today, you told me to bring my phone. >> we have a new trick, which

it's our opener in our vegas show. we're gonna do -- do you have your phone with you? >> jimmy: yes, yes. i have my phone. >> and you have someone that has your phone number or facetime number? someone in the band, you said, does. right? >> jimmy: tariq has it. >> tariq has it. tariq, would you facetime -- would you facetime jimmy now? and all we want to really do here -- it's not important for you to talk to him. we just want everybody to hear the ringtones. it's important for the trick. and we'll give a video that shows you how the trick is done at the end. you'll have a video on there that explains in detail the whole trick. but for right now, we're just waiting for you to -- ♪ oh, it's a simple marimba. ♪ >> jimmy: can you see it? in the camera? >> i'll listen to that a little bit. i didn't even know you could facetime with clothes on, but it turns out you can. [ laughter ] but there he is. we have him -- oh, it's weird. yeah, we're good. we can see him right there. i'm just going to end that. and then, i'm gonna put it into -- have you pimped this out or is right out of the box? because i can find it -- >> jimmy: no -- >> okay, it's just regular way it is? >> jimmy: yeah. >> put it right there, and now, you have to turn this around. and we're going make a little video for you. i know it's not a treat for you.

see, in our show, it's a treat for the people to be on video. but for you, you know, you've got all these cameras. >> jimmy: no, it's still a treat. >> we have a shot of -- we have a shot of you and a shot of the audience. >> jimmy: hey. [ cheers and applause ] >> and we also have a shot of you with a famous las vegas magician. >> jimmy: yep. >> we have that for you right there. but if you don't recognize him, we're going to add a little bit of drug jewelry. and you'll know right away, of course, that is -- that is, of course, criss angel right there. [ laughter ] and we have the -- we have the ripped off anarchy symbol -- the ripped off anarchy symbol, the cross, the abs. there's criss, and there's jimmy. you look very nice together. >> jimmy: thank you. >> and there's the wonderful audience. [ cheers and applause ] now, here's where it gets good, jimmy. we have a here a cup -- a video of this -- open up that cup. it's clean and dry on the inside. >> jimmy: okay. >> we'll get an overhead shot of it right there. >> jimmy: okay. >> i mean, there's no snakes or anything. there's no gags. >> jimmy: no. >> gonna put your phone in there. and when you watch this back, there's not much to see. it goes to all white. there's a nice reverb, a

john lennon sound of a voice. put that right in there. we're gonna put the lid on with just the one little sip hole. put that -- ooh, sorry. nice catch, jimmy. no fooling you. >> jimmy: thank you, my friend. yeah, yeah, yeah. [ laughter ] >> you were right on. at least you did a nice catch. just for the -- right here. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i want you to look at this stuff -- this cup right there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> focus on that. all those -- all those videos, those texts, those e-mails. your whole life is there. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and mazel tov! [ laughter and applause ] >> jimmy: oh, my god. what is going on? i did not see that. oh, hey, come on, teller. wait, how did you -- i can't even believe this. >> now, you know, jimmy, when i can't find my phone, i do what everyone else does. i have one of my friends call it. i got all my friends. we listen in for the ring tone. we triangulate. and you'd be amazed the unusual places that we find -- [ laughter ] -- my phone. >> jimmy: no, no, no. >> so, all of you people, you're our newest friends. if you would all listen for the ringtone. in fact, would you call him up? listen very carefully. listen for that. listen for the ringtone.

when you hear it, point to it. everybody point to it. ♪ point to it. point to where it's coming from. seems like it's coming from that very well-lit person right up there. [ light laughter ] reach under your seat, the woman there. pull out everything that's under there. it's a big white box under your seat. under your seat, under the center of your seat. pull that out of there. there should be a -- is there a white box there? is it sealed shut? >> yes. >> bring it down here. would you please bring it down to the stage here? i believe that should be sealed shut. [ applause ] now, don't -- hand that directly -- hand that directly to jimmy, would you please? i want you to make sure. >> jimmy: thank you. >> check that out. make sure that is indeed sealed shut. sealed shut all around? >> jimmy: yes, it is sealed. >> okay, sealed shut, yeah. pull all the tape off of that. would you open it up, please? it probably -- yeah, pull all the -- pull all the tape off here, yeah. when you get all the tape off, jimmy, tell us what's inside that sealed box that was inside the audience -- inside a box under a seat, taped shut -- what's in there, jimmy? >> jimmy: it is a fish. >> it's a fish. [ laughter and applause ]

>> jimmy: this is not -- >> it's a dead fish packed in ice. and what species of dead fish is that, jimmy? >> jimmy: is that a sunfish? i have no idea. >> it's actually a tilapia. >> jimmy: so that tilapia -- >> african fish now farmed all over the world. and we need you to bring your nose over here, jimmy. we need that famous jimmy fallon nose. come over here. all right, just take a whiff on us, jimmy. take a whiff on us, and tell us, jimmy, is that a real fish? take a whiff right there, jimmy. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> take a whiff. >> jimmy: put my head in -- yes, that is definitely a real fish. >> hold the microphone right here, if you would please. i want you to hear this carefully. you're going to hear the fish's head being cut off. you'll hear the guts spilling out. and then from deep inside -- is that inside the fish there? give a call. would you please give a call right now? is that inside the fish right there? can you see that right there? >> jimmy: yes. >> is that a phone right there inside -- >> jimmy: that is definitely an iphone. >> -- the fish. all right, we're gonna cut this open right here. are you calling? you calling? and it should -- if we're lucky, you should get him calling right there. but check it to make sure that

it's your phone. if the call doesn't come through, you can check and make sure there's personal stuff on there. find the nude pictures. there he is. ♪ could you answer right there? just give it an answer? >> jimmy: that is crazy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ what is going on? oh, my gosh. >> and there it is, right there. we are connected. and that is your phone. >> jimmy: oh, my gosh. >> you can clean your hands off. >> jimmy: you are unbelievable. you guys are un -- [ cheers and applause ] unbelievable. penn and teller! >> there's some good eating. >> jimmy: there's some good eating in there. we'll do it later on. we will. go see them live at the rio hotel in las vegas! they are the greatest. check out penn's new podcast, "penn's sunday school" on itunes! we'll be right back, everybody! penn and teller! [ cheers and applause ] ♪

you know what's exciting? graduation. when i look up into my students faces, i see pride. you know, i have done something worthwhile. when i earned my doctorate, that pride, that was on my face. i am jocelyn taylor. i'm committed akto ming a difference in people's lives,

and i am a phoenix. find the program that's right for you at phoenix.edu/beltway still thinking of replacing the truck? i just don't know where to start.