tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC December 16, 2016 1:08am-2:08am EST
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ramen challenge ramen challenge r a m en challenge ♪ ♪ >> i like this song. >> jimmy: yeah, you can't beat the roots. they're the coolest. now here -- here's how this works right here. i'll pal, chef david chang, and this place called sun noodle, made these special four foot long ramen noodles for us. now there's six -- >> four foot. >> jimmy: there's -- four foot noodles, yeah. >> bigger than me. >> jimmy: there's six of them in this bowl, three for each of us. we each have three shots of sake. >> what? >> jimmy: okay. you slurp your whole new noodle, then you take a shot. whoever finishes first wins. [ laughter ] [ slurping ] >> okay. >> jimmy: we're going to call it -- [ slurping ] but we changed it to the "ramen challenge." everyone can do this at home. now, let's get our -- our first noodle in position. >> what -- yeah. >> jimmy: now, it's also customary to lock eyes with your opponent the whole time. >> okay. i love it. >> jimmy: and i don't want to talk. it's all right, i'm not talking. >> dude, not on the ramen dude. >> jimmy: i wasn't coughing on the ramen. >> you did it. j
>> jimmy: no, no. hey. no. i'm a sore -- i'm a gracious, gracious winner. >> that's the most inelegant thing i have ever done in my life, and it was on tv. >> jimmy: it burned my eyes. it was delicious by the way. >> it went in my eyeball. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: now look, i'm a a gracious -- a gracious winner. i appreciate all the fun games. >> i'm covered in ramen, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. earlier, you said that you love the rockettes -- >> oh, their the best. >> jimmy: and that when you -- yeah, and that you wanted to be a rockette. >> yep. >> jimmy: well, we here at "the tonight show" want to make dreams come true. [ cheers and applause ] so we made a few calls. >> stop it. >> jimmy: to our friends across the street. and now please welcome, from the christmas spectacular, the one and only radio city rockettes! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: yes! [ cheers and applause ] you ready, pal?
>> jimmy: we're going -- you're going to do -- i'm doing it -- i'm going to do it with you. oh, my gosh. hi, guys. oh, my gosh. you guys -- you guys have great core. >> i've never been so satisfied in my life. oh my gosh. >> jimmy: all right, no, i don't know -- yeah. get ready. this is it. >> that's the wrong way -- >> jimmy: i know, but i have ramen all over the place. all right, here we go. thank you, thank you, thank you guys. [ light laughter ] ready? cue the music. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: my thanks to sienna miller, the radio city rockettes! [ cheers and applause ] check out the christmas spectacular at radio city music
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: yeah. nice, frank. nice, frank. guys, check us out tomorrow night. from the animated movie "sing!", the lovely reese witherspoon will be here. [ cheers and applause ] andrew rannells. we have music from war paint. it's going to be great. [ cheers and applause ] i'm telling you, virtual reality pictionary. it's the future. it really is, because, again, it is on tomorrow. [ light laughter ] actually later on today. yeah. if you're watching it -- yeah, see how deep everything got? [ light laughter ] anyway, it's going to be great. guys, get ready for this. this is unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] blew me away.
tonight's performer is a a grammy-nominated artist whose new number-one album has received widespread critical acclaim. performing "rise" and "weary," please welcome solange. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ fall in your ways so you can't crumble fall in your ways so you can sleep at night ♪ ♪ fall in your ways so you can wake up and rise fall in your ways so you can't crumble ♪ ♪ fall in your ways so you can sleep at night fall in your ways so you can wake up ♪ ♪ and rise
♪ i'll be back real soon real soon i'm gonna look for my body yeah ♪ ♪ i'll be back real soon real soon but you know that a king is only a man ♪ ♪ with flesh and bones he bleeds just like you do he said where does that leave you ♪ ♪ and do you belong i do be leery about your place in the world ♪ ♪ you're feeling like you're chasing the world you're leaving not a trace in the world ♪
♪ but you're facing the world i'm gonna look for my glory yeah ♪ ♪ i'll be back real soon real soon i'm gonna look for my glory yeah ♪ ♪ i'll be back real soon real soon i'm gonna look for my glory yeah ♪ ♪ i'll be back real soon real soon yeah but you know that a ♪ ♪ king is only a man with flesh and bones he bleeds just like you do he said where does ♪ ♪ that leave you leave you and do you belong i do ♪ ♪ oh oh whoa
whoa whoa whoa oh ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: come on! oh, my god. fantastic! fantastic. solange, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] that's how you do it right there. oh, my gosh. "a seat at the table" is out now. my thanks to casey affleck, sienna miller, the radio city rockettes, solange once again! [ cheers and applause ] and the roots right there from philadelphia, pennsylvania, ladies and gentlemen. [ cheers and applause ] stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers." thank you so much for watching. have a great night. i hope to see you tomorrow. bye-bye, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
music from megadeth, featuring the 8g band with dave lombardo. ♪ [ cheers and applause ] ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening, i'm seth meyers. this is "late night." how is everybody doing tonight out there? [ cheers and applause ] that is fantastic to hear. in that case, let's get to the news. donald trump continued his thank you tour, battle of battle ground states today in pennsylvania and hillary clinton continued her thanks for nothing tour, deeper into the woods. [ laughter ] house republicans stated that even though they plan to vote on repealing obama care early next year, the actual process to replace the law could take all of donald trump's first term. really? it could take six months? all right. [ laughter and applause ]
sources say that donald trump attacked "vanity fair" this morning, because the magazine wrote a negative review of his restaurant, saying it serves garbage food. even worse you know it's accurate because this was the reviewer. [ laughter and applause ] donald trump also attacking vanity fair editor, graydon carter, who is the first to suggest trump has small hands. funny, with those tiny hands, you would think it would be easier for trump to let go of things. [ laughter ] "variety" magazine yesterday named television coverage of donald trump's campaign to be the worst tv of 2016. are you kidding me? that show had everything. it had passion. heart break. it had lavish sex. there was a goofy dad. a whacky neighbor. actually, a bunch of whacky neighbors. it had romance. and the biggest, the biggest twist ending in tv history.
oh, and major a cliff hanger for season 2. reporters of an old interview in which donald trump allegedly says he likes having people explain things to him in ten words or less. okay, if you keep skipping security briefings, we're all gonna die. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] today in 1791 the bill of rights became law. and on january 20, it'll become a suggestion. peter pan peanut butter has been hit with a record $11.2 million fine for it's role in a massive salmonella outbreak. to be fair, peter pan has always been very up front about not wanting kids to grow up. [ laughter ] researchers have six new species living on the sea floor, including a kind of hairy-chested crab. i think we actually have a photo
oh, there it is. a woman in russia passed away after falling into a tank of melted chocolate. or as chris christie calls it, natural causes. [ light laughter ] and finally, paris is reportedly facing its worst rat crisis in decades. but on the bright side, a lot of great new restaurants. ladies and gentlemen, we've got a fantastic show for you tonight. [ cheers and applause ] her spectacular "all i want for christmas is you" concert is a new york city must-see. now through december 17th at the beacon theater and "mariah's world" airs sunday's at 9:00 p.m. on e! mariah carey is here tonight, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] also, he has a fantastic comedy special on netflix, "the new york story", colin quinn, one of our favorites is back shown the tonight. [ cheers and applause ] and they are legendary titans of metal and they are here to perform for us tonight, megadeth
is here, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] i challenge you to find anywhere else in new york city where you'll get mariah carey and megadeth in the same place. you know, when i came in this morning there were actually some flurries falling. and yu know, it seems like the time of year when you just can't help but -- wait, i'm sorry i could be wrong here. but i think i smell some smoke. and that can only mean one thing. it's time for "ya burnt." ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome to the burn zone. we've got a lot of topics to sizzle through but not a lot of time. over here is the burner, let's turn on the gas, and load her up. woohoo! hello, nurse. first up, the three wisemen. who even are you? if i find out my infant son had three adult male friend i'd have questions. oh, good, baby jesus' fully grown bros are here, and these
gold, frankincense and myrrh, just what a baby wants myrrh. honey, the baby is crying, get the myrrh. did you forget you were buying for a newborn? next time just hook a brother up with a binky, a blanky, and a baby bjorn. i'll see you guys wandering around all night trying to find a baby? that's not a bible story, that an episode of "law and order: svu." three wise men wise up to this. ya burnt. mistletoe, the bill cosby of plants. side burn cosby. >> sideburn. >> seth: mistletoe is the tradition that answers the question, what if tinder was just some leaves. also this is the holiday spent mostly with extended family, do we really need to incentivize on the mouth kissing and no one has gone to the bathroom for 45 minutes because weird cousin gary has been lurking in the door way. mistletoe? more like mistle-no, you're burnt. christmas carolers, so wait. you're telling me i get to pause the basketball game i had on and watch an a cappella concert i
didn't ask for? sign me up. [ light laughter ] also, carolers, can someone please tell me what i'm supposed to do while you're singing? do you want eye contact? do you not want eye contact? do you want me to sing along? because i do not know good king wenceslas. i don't even know how to say it. wenceslas? wen ces las? wence las? get an easier to say name, king. but seriously, thank you so much. without you, i didn't know where i would hear christmas music this time of year. by the way, lady in the back, if the scarf guy next to you is your husband, your husband is gay. hey, carolers get off my porch before i deck you right in the halls. it's beginning to look a lot like ya burnt. candy canes, finally an after dinner mint that doubles as a choking hazard. merry christmas kids now suck on this minty fish hook for a while until it breaks off and gores the inside of your mouth. candy canes, the only thing you're good for is after sucking you for a while can i use you as a prison shiv the next time weird cousin gary tried to get handsy under the mistloe
double burn, cousin gary. >> double burn. >> seth: candy canes, go suck yourself, ya burnt. stocking, hey, whose idea was it to hang flammable clothes over the fire place? are we trying to frame santa for arson? why is it the good kids get things in their stockings? it should be the bad kids. kevin, you've been a real ass ache all year so here you go, an old sock filled with batteries and tic-tacs. by the way, if anyone can use tic-tacs, it's that creep cousin gary. triple burn, gary. >> how is he not in prison? >> seth: hey stockings, you stink and ya burnt. snow days, man, snow days are the best. waking up to hear the guy on the radio saying school's cancelled. coming downstairs all sock-footed, seeing mom has already made some hot chocolate. staying cozy and then getting all bundled up. heading out to throw snowballs at the garage. and that's why snow days are this week's unburnable. stay frosty my friends. [ cheers and applause ] gingerbread houses. hey, gingerbread houses. let's call you what you are.
shotty building materials put together using child labor, i don't know if that's frosting holding this house together or snot because little tommy is coughing up a storm and i've never seen him wash his hands in his life. gingerbread houses, ya burnt. the 4:30 p.m. sunset, tis the season for depression, fa la la la la la la la la. seriously, this is great. now i can finally enjoy a beautiful sunset while i'm eating lunch. [ laughter ] the only thing worse than it getting dark at 4:30 is that all of your coworkers seem to have amnesia about it. i can't believe it's getting dark so early. oh, really, judy? you can't believe a thing that has happened every year since the beginning of time is also happening now? [ laughter ] f off judy. >> judy's just trying to get -- >> seth: yeah, f off to you too. 4:30 p.m. sunsets. ya burnt. stradle -- the game that sounds -- what is it? dreidel -- the game that's as fun as it sounds. he
and whatever side it lands on we're all losers. and i don't care what your song says, you did not make that dreidel out of clay. it was made from plastic by a bunch of kids in a chinese factory who have never even heard of chanukah. also, the goal of dreidel is that jewish kids can horde gold coins? way to play into the stereotype, dreidel. does the winner get to retire in florida. dreidel, you're spinning out and ya burnt. up next, angels who save christmas. [ buzzard sound ] oh, ruh-roh. that buzzer means we have run out of time. this has been "ya burnt." we'll be back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ ♪ i said i really can't stay
♪ i have to go away ♪ baby it's cold outside ♪ i really can't stay ♪ baby it's cold outside! you never know who you'll meet at barnes & noble. sir? you give me that salad and i will pay for your movie and one snack box. can i keep the walnuts? yes. but i get to pick your movie. can i pick the genre? nope. with the blue cash everyday card you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. backed by the service and security of american express. you get cash back on purchases with no annual fee. the spare, no, i don't want to put anybody out. nonsense! we lend it to everybody. some people we hardly know.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our first guest tonight is the best selling female artist of all time. she has 18 number one hits, more than any other solo artist in history. she wraps her "all i want for christmas is you" concert series this saturday at the beacon theater. you can also see her docu series, "mariah's world," sunday nights on e! let's take a look. >> don't show me. show the artwork. look at this. it's so good. of course when there's like all these people waiting for you and you have t
the priority. but i never want my kids to feel like mommy doesn't put them first. and cut. >> seth: please welcome to the show, music legend, mariah carey, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: thank you so much. >> thank you for having me. >> seth: i'm so honored to have you here. >> it's an honor to be here. i have a little cold, so i don't want to get you -- >> seth: oh, it's all right. once you're in a sleigh with somebody. >> it's a -- yeah. >> seth: and i do want to point out this is our first sleigh interview. >> yes, it is. >> seth: which i felt like we needed to do that for a couple of reasons. one, i feel like you are the queen of christmas. >> they say that, but that's just a huge title.
>> seth: you can't take it? >> no. >> seth: i'm the duke of halloween. [ light laughter ] >> i think less people get offended by that. >> seth: yeah, that's true. i also wanted to make sure i had you somewhere comfortable because we saw an example of that in the clip. you are the most comfortable looking person on your show. >> am i really? >> seth: well, does is not -- this happens all the time. >> hiking gear. >> seth: look at that. this is not a one-time thing. here you are at a different time. >> we should have laid out the sleigh this way. >> seth: i know. i'm sorry. >> i mean, the sleigh clearly needed to be this way. >> seth: you are doing such a nice job. look at that. i've never been that relaxed in my life. >> it's hard work to lay down like this all the time, seth. >> seth: it is though right? i think that's important to note. because you look relaxed but it took you a lot of work to get to that place. >> you got to pull up and stay there. it is what it is. >> seth: now, you do have this incredible christmas song we hear it all the time. is it your favorite christmas song? >> "all i want for christmas is you," it was the first christmas song i ever wrote.
>> seth: you love them all. come on. there's a couple of dogs in there. [ light laughter ] >> i love -- oh, well, yeah. >> seth: i mean, are you ever happy when someone starts the "12 days of christmas?" >> depends who it is. >> seth: that's true. i guess i wouldn't be bummed if you started. i would say, oh, my god i'm going to get so much mariah right now. >> definitely 12 days. >> seth: then because you are the expert, the queen, my term, not yours, is it -- when is it too early to start playing christmas songs? >> i have a whole thing about this. >> seth: okay, good. >> okay, because i'm a new yorker. we love new york. this is a great place to be at christmas. although, i go to aspen because i'm guaranteed snow. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> so i have to have that. >> seth: you need to have snow? >> it's kind of a big deal to me. yes. >> seth: okay, gotcha. >> santa claus comes in a real sleigh with real reindeer. >> seth: yes, because here in new york he has to take the subway. >> yeah. in aspen he just knows the way to my house. >> seth: well, there you go. is christmas a huge deal in mariah carey's household? >> of course. >> seth: you take it super
>> i do. but we have fun. we go on a sleigh ride. >> seth: that's good. >> lots of things. yes, we're here on a mock sleigh ride. >> seth: mock sleigh ride, please. >> you could have come to my sleigh ride and i would have -- you would have been really -- >> seth: next time we'll do a live remote from your sleigh ride. >> yes. and we can do like kind of like, even like a bathtub sleigh ride. like we'll have clothing, although, it will be like more relaxing. >> seth: oh, my goodness. >> because that's part of it. >> seth: i'm so in on this. every part of this. [ light laughter ] a bathtub sleigh ride. sign me up. >> bathtub sleigh ride with diamonds. >> seth: didn't know it was a thing now can't stop thinking about it. >> now we made it a thing. >> seth: now we made it a thing. honey, i have christmas plans for next year. where are you going? aspen with mariah carey in a bath tub with diamonds. >> soaking in a sleigh. >> seth: i would -- see here's the thing though. i would be -- i feel like you would be a person -- it would be very intimidating to try to buy you a christmas present. one, i feel like you probably have a lot of things you want. and are you a hard person to shop for on christmas? >> not rea
a feeling. >> seth: gotcha. >> i'm going to be happy. it's festive. it's got red on there. >> seth: for someone who has ever tried to buy one of those it might be hard though. >> you know, honestly, i do, i was looking at the pictures and i saw the clip that you guys showed and i was looking at my kids and that's most important. >> seth: i was watching you were looking at the artwork of your kids. how old are your children? >> five. >> seth: mine, not even a year old. but that is very exciting seeing art they do. even as an artist. you are an artist on the top charts. when, though be honest, ten years ago before you had kids, if you looked at that and it was someone else's child had drawn it. >> oh i would be like, what is that? >> seth: exactly, right. >> no, i wouldn't. see people give me gifts and stuff like all the time. >> seth: oh, yeah. well, your fans. >> yes. >> seth: and your fans are called lambs? >> they call themselves lambs. everybody else made up names for their fans. my fans heard me calling like my friend, hey, lamb, like it's our private joke. long story way too long for the segment. but they heard me say it, hey,
lamb, lamby whatever. and they started calling themselves lambs. >> seth: that's very sweet. and the lambily. they call themselves the lambily. >> that i gave them. >> seth: oh, that's nice of you. >> well, you know. >> the least i can do. >> seth: gotta give something back. >> the lambs know it. the thing is, they have a name for all these other people's fans with naming their fans. >> seth: like the beliebers and stuff like that? >> no offense to anybody else's fans, but mine came first. >> seth: you might be in the sleigh with a belieber right now and you wouldn't even know it. >> they might think i'm trying to slay them myself. but no. >> seth: your children names are rock and roe. >> that's moroccan and monroe. >> seth: that's great. and do they -- have they shown any joy of performance themselves? >> yes. at first they were super shy and they didn't want to come on stage. now they go, we want to go on the stage with mommy. this is miss monroe doing a pose like mommy. >> seth: there is miss monroe rocking it out. is that rock sort of lingering in the background? >> she never does this.
the whole thing his show. that night she was on fire. >> seth: well, there you go. i think they have a very bright future. this is very exciting too. are you going on tour with lionel richie? >> yeah. we're going on tour. yeah. [ cheers and applause ] i spoke to him the other day. and it's really great, 'cause he's so legendary and it's just kind of like my little moment to be there. and you know, have some fun and see some fans. >> seth: i just met lionel richie for the first time earlier this year. that man looks fantastic. he is the definition of ageless. >> is he really? >> seth: yeah, you know. why are you asking me? am i the expert on lionel richie in this sleigh? >> well, who's -- never mind. [ laughter ] >> seth: i can't think of a better time to have you here than at christmas time. having you here back in new york city. i know you have to get to aspen. but thank you for making time for us here. >> thank you. you're not going to magically get me there with this? >> seth: i'm going to magically get you there right after this. give it up to mariah carey, everybody. "mariah's rl
it's time to givehl's the perfect gift so let him be a kid again make her sparkle and help him save the galaxy. at kohl's you'll save a little more with an extra 15% off and earn a little more with kohl's cash so you can give a little more this holiday. kohl's. (vo) it's the holidays at verizon, and the best deals are on the best network. with no surprise overages, you can use your data worry free and even carry over the data you don't use. and right now get four lines and 20 gigs for only $40 per line. you'll even get the iphone 7, the samsung galaxy s7, the pixel phone by google, or the motoz droid for only $10 per month. no trade-in required. hurry, these offers end soon.
only on verizon. but when we brought our daughter home, that was it. now i have nicoderm cq. the nicoderm cq patch with unique extended release technology helps prevent your urge to smoke all day. it's the best thing that ever happened to me. every great why needs a great how. i'and thanks to target, i got to the after party - this nice little outfit just in time using order pickup. stay fresh! get last minute gifts with order pickup at target.
♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back. give it up for the 8g band right over there. all week long, we've had a talented two-time grammy award winning drumming pioneer and a cofounder of metal icon, slayer, sitting in with the great 8g band. he's also of punk legends, the misfits, suicidal tendencies, and dead cross featuring mike patton. please give it up for dave lombardo, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] it's such an honor having you here this week, dave. >> likewise.é >> seth: thank you so much for being here. >> you got it. >> seth: our next guest is an emmy-nominated comedian and an author who you know from "saturday night live," and his one-man show, "unconstitutional" and "long story short." his latest "colin quinn: the new york story" is currently streaming on netflix. please welcome back to the show, our good friend, colin quinn. ♪
>> seth: hi, buddy. >> well, with that guy's credit, i expected it to be, like, toothless and his head like this. look at him, a normal guy after all those years. >> seth: yeah. >> and 17 psychotic punk and metal bands, you know? >> seth: no, dave is keeping it together very well. >> i know. you really held it together. >> thank you. >> seth: you know, i want to talk about you because you -- i'm worried about you holding it together. you were supposed to be here a few months back -- >> yes. >> seth: to promote your web series "cop show." >> yeah. >> seth: a fantastic show. >> oh, god. >> seth: i got to guest on it this year. >> yes, you were amazing on it. >> seth: thank you. a lot of people told me that. >> yeah, a lot of people -- [ laughter ] but one applause was worse than no applause. i appreciate it though. >> seth: what is worse? cause you feel like they thought every -- they only did it because they thought everybody was going to. >> yeah. and they're like, "oh, i guess -- yeah." >> seth: so, but you hurt yourself. >> i hurt my achilles. >> seth: you hurt your achilles? >> i hurt my achilles. i was playing basketball on the
and -- and then i just -- it popped. >> seth: it popped, and you knew right away? >> yeah. >> seth: had you ever popped an achilles before? >> no. >> seth: okay. >> but, no. but i -- you know, i was getting along, but -- like i've been playing it up. i just do a limp a little bit. >> seth: got you. >> but i don't really have to at this point. [ light laughter ] >> seth: you like the attention? >> i just -- i got to a certain point, like, even, like, i lie about, like, how bad my medical problems are, and i was just told doctors are amazed, like, that you can walk. you know, and then people compare. and the only people i hate now are acl people that have torn acl because i didn't realize the achilles and acl, like, the one thing that's better than the achilles is the acl as far as a worse injury. >> seth: oh, i see. [ light laughter ] >> so they, you know, they kind of lured it over you a little bit. so, it is a little bit of a conflict on society. >> seth: i see. so you would rather have the worst of the injuries, so that you could get the most attention? >> yeah, like, when you have ac -- achilles, people are like, "oh, like kobe?" and i'm like, "yeah, like kobe." >> seth: yeah. >> it feels good, you know. [ light laughter ] and they're like, "that must be hurt -- painful."
it's not as bad as you think." i'm being, like, humble, you know. >> seth: yeah. >> and then they're like, "oh, this guy is pretty brave." you know, a stalwart. you know. >> seth: i want to talk about your great show, "new york story." but i want to -- before we get to that, we have now a new yorker is going to go into the white house. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> seth: how do you feel about this? what is your reaction to the election of donald trump? >> well yeah, but he got elected by -- he got elected by not new yorkers. he got elected by mostly red states, you know? >> seth: yeah. >> and, yeah. but, i mean, it's partially -- i blame show business, our peers. and because apparently carpenters at the -- they don't like civics lessons from people on the red carpet, okay? you can't tell the sheet metal worker in wisconsin to acknowledge his privilege. they don't like that. >> seth: no, they don't. >> i think there's going to be a civil war. >> seth: you do? and how would a civil war manifest itself in the modern era? >> online. >> seth: online? [ laughter ] >> oh, yeah, i think we will break up. k
like the big east, you know, the pac 10. it's gonna be, like, broken up into divisions, like the ncaa. [ light laughter ] >> seth: and then, will there at least be a bowl period around the holidays so where we can face off against each other? >> yes, i like that. yeah, the wars will be bowl games. >> seth: and do you -- what do you think -- >> it's a good idea. we can put together, like, a bad movie, like a movie that seems good until you see it. >> seth: oh yeah, that's right. >> and the bowl's not even that great. >> seth: a we can go in, and we can sell that idea immediately. >> yeah, exactly. >> seth: and then, three years of turning in scripts and them saying, "i thought it would be funnier." so you -- what do you think the relationship is between mike pence and donald trump? because these are two very different guys. >> that's the other -- when i say civil war, there is going to be, like, ten different countries going on in the united states. we're too big, you know? >> seth: yeah. >> 13 colonies, and then, we should separated every other -- but because pence and trump, that's another conflict on the way. pence, it's like, it's like, the christian, like the real -- he's a real republican. and trump's guys are gonna be like midtown steakhouse, you
>> guys putting each other in head locks, and, like, you know. you know, guys trying to find a grammy dropped on the ground at the holiday party, basically for you know, goldman sachs holiday party. >> seth: and are you concerned about the role russia played in this election? is that something -- >> no, because we already have -- we don't need the cia because we already got -- nobody understands the way i understand what's going on. it's we already have our cia guy over there. who just scammed the big citizen in russia? >> seth: i don't know. who did? >> steven seagal. >> seth: oh, right. steven seagal is now officially a russian citizen. >> trump will be like, "a tremendous guy, tremendous guy doing fantastic work. steven, what's going on?" "he's doing a wonderful, wonderful job? wonderful, fantastic." and, those go back and forth. >> seth: the fact that we just don't have to worry about it because trump will talk to putin. >> sorry folks. i'm not an impressionist. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: you're being way too hard on yourself. >> it's okay. [ applause ] >> seth: they did -- there was that moment of, "oh, we're about to see a master impression of trump talking to seagal." and they got all right on the edge of their seats. >> i know. >> seth: then you just let them
my joke was trying to say, like, they both sound the same. >> seth: yeah. >> that's really what i was selling. [ light laughter ] if i could do the impressions, i would have done them. i actually went on -- i thought of it today. and i was literally on youtube for 20 minutes, and you feel bad. i'm not responding. trying to, like, get seagal's voice. >> seth: wait. that was the practiced impression we just saw? >> yes. [ laughter and applause ] >> seth: that was researched -- researched and practiced? >> i literally -- 20 minutes there, i was like, "you know what? we are on youtube and watch seagal and try to get it." >> seth: yeah. >> and now we see the response. [ laughter ] >> seth: this is -- >> i see i didn't get it. >> seth: yeah. >> that's how comedy works. >> seth: so -- >> sometimes you got to watch the cow get slaughtered, right? >> seth: there you go, absolutely. "new york story," which is a fantastic one-man show. i loved it when i saw it. >> thanks. >> seth: but you had an actual new york story happen on a subway recently. >> oh, yeah. i go on the subway. i go -- i go down the subway. you know? so i'm on the subway. the's guy is playing neil young, a young kid, playing a neil young song.
car that's old enough, white enough to really appreciate a neil young song. [ light laughter ] >> seth: right. >> you know what i mean? it's, it's -- >> seth: it's for you. it's, like, your -- >> yeah, exactly. it's not -- >> seth: your pandora station. >> yeah. [ light laughter ] yes, perfect. so the kid comes by, you know. everybody is ignoring him. i throw him a $5. it's not $50. you know, it's not that kind of story. and i give him 5 bucks. i'm in a metro cart. i'm on the subway. [ light laughter ] and then i give him $5, and i didn't think he noticed me. just walking by and takes the $5, and he goes, "hey, man, thanks. i knew it was just a character you played being a dick on tv." [ laughter ] i should've snatched that $5 right back from him. [ laughter ] he was a little guy, too. but i admire that more when somebody small has this attitude like that. >> seth: yeah. >> anybody big can be like that, but when you're small, it's -- you know. >> seth: you talks a lot about -- new york has a lot of unique people with attitudes. >> true. >> seth: including one of my favorite, that new york has
>> yeah, yeah. >> seth: they're unique. >> blue-collar snobs. >> seth: blue-collar snobs. >> yeah, it's the only city where even people, like-- you can go on vacation everywhere else, people come and are like, "oh," when they go on -- new york people go on vacation just to tell people how it's not as good as new york. they'll be like, "we have pizza." they're like, "that's not new york pizza." it's like, "yeah, you know, you're in italy." "i don't care. it's still not new york pizza." [ laughter ] "that's not a new york bagel. what kind of bagel is that? it's the wrong water." that's what everyone says. "it's the wrong water you're using." and we're telling people that water is like -- out water's filthy. >> seth: yeah. >> they're like, "you don't have the right water." one time, i was in l.a. in the '90s, and cathy moriarty had, like, a pizza place, she's an actress and she had this pizza place, mulberry pizza -- and even, like, on "the tonight show," jay leno would be like, "oh, they use new york water. and that's why the pizza tastes so good." mulberry street, it's called. so one time, i'm in there -- i used to talk to her all the time -- we we're, like, friends. and i go, "hey, is it true you use new york water, and that's why the pizza is different?" she just stopped and gave me, like, the most disgusted look. she goes, "colin, think about it.
[ laughter ] "well, how? by truck or plane everyday?" and i was like, "oh, good point." >> seth: you also note that new yorkers do not -- even on vacation, they do not ask people for information. >> no, that's how you tell who's the tourist. the tourists in new york, "excuse me, where's the museum? excuse me, where's the subway?" people in new york accuse you of information. "where did you get the coffee?" [ laughter and applause ] and then, they go -- [ applause ] and then they want the review. you go, "down there." "is it good?" [ light laughter ] you have to leave because they come back. "who is that guy who said this was good? it's not good." [ light laughter ] >> seth: your show is very much about immigrants and this sort of immigrant experience. >> immigrante. don't know what that accent was. [ light laughter ] folks, if you came, and you wanted colin to do some impressions or something, maybe that's your problem.
i wore my holiday sweater. you know, i'm looking festive. what do you want? >> seth: that's not. >> no, go ahead. >> seth: that's barely holiday. that's maroon. >> what! >> seth: don't feel like that has the red -- the robust redness of a holiday sweater. >> oh, that's right. i don't know what -- yeah, you know. i don't know what kind of guest you're getting on here, but a guy like me -- this is pretty holiday. >> seth: one of the things you talking about is this city -- >> nobody in the misfits wore this sweater. >> no. [ laughter ] do you guys ever wear holi -- >> never. >> yeah. cbgb's 1983. >> never. >> "hey, it's our christmas show. let's put on a holiday sweater." [ light laughter ] >> seth: you're right. >> i know. >> seth: compared to the misfits, this is very holiday. >> thank you. >> seth: obviously, there is so much discussion about immigrants. >> right. >> seth: and there was such a role in this election. your show sort of celebrates in a great way. >> yeah. >> seth: both that this is a city of immigrants, and that immigrants have gotten along and also don't like each other and also -- >> you're right. >> seth: live together, and it has become a thriving city. i mean, what is your -- do you fe l
sustain itself, not just here, but everywhere else? this idea that, yeah, if people from a bunch of different places makes new york great, it can make anywhere great >> no, i told you that we're gonna have a civil war. >> seth: that's right. oh, i forgot the war. there was no optimism there. >> we're gonna have six -- >> seth: all right, the pac 10, big 10. >> you know, how are you going to pitch this movie if we're halfway through, and you're like -- if people do get along, and i'll be like -- [ laughter ] seth's been really working hard. when do a daily show, you're under a lot of pressure. >> seth: okay, there we go. >> that's not a conflict. >> seth: civil war, six conferences. there should be one -- they are, like, independent conferences? because, you know, like the pac 10 -- >> right. >> seth: that covers. we know what that covers. >> right. >> seth: but then, i feel like, there's, like -- because notre dame, unaffiliated. >> oh. >> seth: so do we have part of the country that is like our independent college? >> yeah, well, you know, i'm glad you said that because you're right. there's, there's, there's, like, blue states. there's blue cities in red states. >> seth: right. >> austin, texas. >> seth: austin, texas. >> charleston. >> seth: yup, so those -- >> staten island. >> seth: yeah, there you go,
>> know what i mean? >> seth: it goes both ways, yeah. it goes both ways. >> it goes both ways, sure. >> seth: we're gonna write a hell of a screenplay here. >> i know. we are. i know, we're just gonna write a pitch. >> seth: yeah, we'll just write a pitch, sell it, and then give it to somebody else to write it. thank you so much for wearing your holiday sweater. it's so great having you here. >> thank you. >> seth: always a pleasure. [ cheers and applause ] colin quinn, everybody. >> thank you. >> seth: "the new york story" is streaming on netflix, and watch "cop show." i'm wornderful in it. >> yes. >> seth: on lstudio.com we'll be right back with more "late night." [ cheers and applause ] ♪ there's no one i'd