tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS February 26, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
captioning sponsored by cbs >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause ) welcome to "the late show." thanks, everybody. thank you. thank you, sir. thank you! >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: hey! thanks so much! welcome to "the late show," everybody. i'm stephen colbert. now, a couple weeks ago... thank you so much. i don't know, friday night, wonderful to be here on friday night. thank you so much for being here. a couple of weeks ago, if you guys watch the show on a regular basis... do you guys watch the show? ( cheers and applause ) that's good to know. that's good to know. now, i told you a few weeks ago, that scientists at cambridge university in england released a
scientifically impossible for spider-man to walk on walls. okay, i believe it was a ph.d. thesis on destroying my childhood. why do you want to hurt me, cambridge? why destroy my dreams? ( laughter ) given a scalpel, would you dissect a rainbow? ( laughter ) that was hard. that was hard to read. ( cheers and applause ) that was hard to read. it was almost as disappointing as when they realized that study proving that, for hawkman to fly like a bird, he would also have to poop like a bird. i'm just saying, batman, be careful where you park the batmobile. and definitely put the top up. but anyway, here's-- here is the spider-man situation. the peter parker party poopers
someone man-sized can't get enough adhesion on a wall to climb it with hands this size. the largest animal capable of climbing a wall, they say, is a gecko. come on! who wants to be rescued by gecko man? >> jon: i don't want no gecko. >> stephen: "i have saved you from the green goblin. now, i will save you 15% on car insurance." ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheers and applause ) no! ( cheers and applause ) but i have just received some hopeful news. the super-heroes at stanford university in the states just sent me this: >> so, colbert, i was watching your show on thursday, and you said something about spider-man not being able to climb walls. now, here at stanford, we had an issue with that, because, if you don't just copy the gecko, but instead you're clever about how you distribute your weight, you can use a device like this, and a human can climb a glass wall. >> stephen: that's right. spider-man could be real after all, because stanford has
scale a building. let's take a look at stanford's amazing web-slinger in action! there he is. there he is. ( laughter ) ( slowly ): spi-der-man, spi-der-man, does whatever this appears to be so criminals, you are on notice. spider-man is going to bring you to justice! just stay on the second floor and give him about an hour and 20 minutes. you're on your honor! he's coming! ( cheers and applause ) cha-ping. cha-ping. ting! >> jon: szzztk. >> stephen: ting! so, thank you, stanford. keep sticking it to those
oh, oh! my "late show" sense is tingling, because we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause ) is that what that is? two? >> jon: not one, two. >> stephen: first, i'll be sitting down with bobby cannavale. ( cheers and applause ) his new show, "vinyl," is about the new york music scene in the '70s. it was pretty wild. imagine the hard rock cafe, but with no chicken fingers. then, we're going to take a look at the greatest super bowl ads of all time with advertising legend donny deutsch. ( applause ) you are going to want to-- you are going to want to stay through all my commercials to see these commercials. plus, we'll hear music from singng-songwriter charles kelley. ( cheers and applause ) oh, hey! tick tock, tick tock, tick tock.
human dancers, everybody. say hi, y'all! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: get down! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's my super- hero, fish man. his only power, when he's not in the water, is to flop. this band is about to play that secret note that starts the show. but before they do, one more ing: ohio governor john kasich has pledged to reunite pink floyd if he is elected president. but he is also againstst
want you to enjoy them. >> announcer: tonight, stephen welcomes actor bobby cannavale. advertising legend donny deutsch. and a musical performance by charles kelley. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now it's time for "the late show with stephen colbert!" ( cheeee and applause ) >> stephen: hey!
thank you so much. >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: thank you so much! you know what? ( cheers and applause ) that's amazing energy. i know, you cannot beat these friday crowds, like the one we have tonight. ( cheers and applause ) because... you can't beat them. because, as i said before, it is friday tonight. and we definitely did not pre-tape this thursday so we could have extra time to prepare for our special live show right after the super bowl on sunday. i'll prove it, i'll prove it right now. audience, is it friday? >> audience: yes! >> stephen: and as you know, every friday, we set up hypothetical battles between two persons, places or things. it could be anything, like pen versus sword;
2014 boston pops; a horse-sized duck versus a horse-sized horse. then, we post those match-ups as twitter polls and let you, the people, decide who would win the battle. so get your gloves out and put them on your thumbs. it's time for... >> audience:"friday night fights!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to "friday night fights!" ( cheers and applause ) now, folks... ( cheers and applause ) everybody loves "friday night fights." first up, as we do every week, first, let's check the results from last friday, when i debated
astrophysicist neil degrasse tyson. neil, thanks for coming back to face the music. ( cheers and applause ) >> thank you. >> stephen: good to see you. all right, neil. brace yourself. our first fight pitted feline flake tycoon, tony the tiger, versus legume dandy, mr. peanut. neil, you sided with mr. peanut, but twitter has spoken, and the winner was tony the tiger with 62% of the vote. boom! how do you feel, neil? >> we're thinking mr. peanut is, like, a human, but he's still a vegetable. >> stephen: right. >> and tigers don't eat vegetables. >> stephen: oh, so there's no appeal to even attack. >> exactly! >> stephen: nicely done, but too late. neil, i sided with tony, and it's g-r-r-rratifying to win! for our next match-up, this is in your wheelhouse, neil-house-- we debated which is more inescapable, the super-massive
galaxy, sagitarrius-a, or the obligation to be with your family at the holidays. neil, you sided with the super- massive black hole because you're a man of science and because you have never met my family. twitter said: 65% family. ( applause ) i went two-for-two, neil. i kicked your "degrasse." what say you? how do you feel now? >> see, i thought people would go with the fact that the black hole... you could still be with your family, and then the black hole eats everybody, you see. so i thought that could still work as kind of a backdoor way for me to still win that one. >> stephen: your grandmother is not getting any younger. she just wants to see you one last time. okay, now budge over, neil. you've done a good job. we've brought in another champion for this week. please don't go anywhere, please stay with us, okay? >> i can do that. >> stephen: it's time for us to be joined by my next worthy opponent: she is editor in chief
one-stop shop for politics, entertainment, and what part of selena gomez we weren't supposed to see on the red carpet last night. give it up for the titan of traffic! the magistrate of click-bait! the greek who isn't meek! arianna huffington! ( cheers and applause mwaa! darling. let's do this. arianna, thank you for being here. good to see you again. >> great to see you. >> stephen: now, you're a champion debater. if i got this right, you were the captain of your debate team at cambridge university. >> right. but i'm not as good a debater as you. >> stephen: oh, really? >> no, not at all. >> stephen: i think you're a better debater than i am, and if you convince me i'm better, that means i won. >> no, no.
know what? since donald trump, bragging is out, humility is in. >> stephen: oh, really? >> and, also, if i can beat expectations tonight, then i win. so, basically, if everybody expects you to be better, but i turn out to be better, whether it's iowa, new hampshire, or "friday night fights," that's a game now. beating expectations. >> stephen: you're low-balling yourself. >> definitely. >> stephen: let's do it, then. are you ready for the fights? >> ready. >> stephen: okay. our first one is literally a classic. it matches mozart with his magic flute against beethoven wielding a machete. let's go straight to the tale of the tape. starting with wolfgang amadeus mozart, 5'4", tipping the scales at 127 pounds, this prodigy was blessed with the ear of god and the fingers of an angel. strengths include: harpsichord- shredding arpeggios, the powderiest wig this side of the danube, and a magical flute that controls the thoughts and emotions of all who hear it and,
weaknesses include: died penniless, and the emotional baggage of a former child star. but this fight isn't done, done, done, done because his opponent is beethoven with a machete. coming in at 5'3" and 132 pounds, this machete maestro's strengths include: inexhaustible genius, the original resting bitch face, and a chronic abdominal pain that led him to contemplate suicide, so he's got nothing to lose. weaknesses include: alcoholism inherited from his father, and he is deaf. okay, arianna, mozart flute, beethoven machete. who do you think is going to create the symphony of destruction on this one? >> i am going with mozart. first of all-- >> stephen: mozart? >> yes. as you said, beethoven was deaf, so this little old man wouldn't hear the flute coming. ( laughter ) on top of it, on top of it, he was suffering from jaundice,
the liver, inflammatory degeneration of the artery. >> stephen: that just proves that beethoven can take the punishment and keep on coming. >> no, it basically proves, that as modern insurance companies would say it, every pre-existing condition, and on top of it, magic. i always go with magic. who would you go with, harry potter versus a muggle? you always go with harry potter. >> stephen: so mozart with the magic flute. >> stephen: here's where you're wrong. here's where you're wrong, cambridge. because the magic flute must be heard by its victim, beethoven's deaf, he is immune to the powers of the flute. machete to the neck, mozart goes down. >> here's why are you wrong. it's not about beethoven hearing the magic flute. it's about all the animals that mozart can get to surround beethoven and attack him. ( applause ) and-- and-- >> stephen: strong argument. strong argument. >> there's one more thing that's terribly important, which is the
weapon because you can sharpen it and use it as a spear. and did you know, that the first-- the first flute was actually made out of the bone of a bear's leg? >> stephen: so the first flute was made from a bear's leg? >> yes! >> stephen: well, the bear might come back for that flute. mozart better look out. all right. >> don't forget, the flute has a laser. you said, you put a laser in the flute. >> stephen: it is laser flute. >> you have laser and it's magic... >> thank you! >> stephen: okay, the poll is now live on twitter. go to @stephenathome and vote on the question, "who would win in a fight, mozart with a magic flute or beethoven with a machete?" you make the call! next up, are you ready? >> mmm-hmm. >> stephen: all right, a question that has baffled philosophers for centuries: which is more joyful, that feeling you get when a coworker shows you a photo of their new baby, or that feeling you get when you realize they forgot to charge you for the extra guac on your burrito? ( laughter ) let's go to the tale of the tape, starting with your coworker's baby picture.
pounds, four ounces, six megapixels. it seems important to them. strengths include: seeing a baby's adorable toothless smile, building intimacy with your coworker, and making cooing sounds proves you're not dead inside. weaknesses include: bringing up guilt about either your childlessness or your own parenting skills, the fact that you hardly know this person, and the weird feeling if you say anything stronger than "cute." its opponent is not to be trifled with: free guacamole. coming in at three ounces-- five if you're lucky-- this super- condiment feels like your birthday and christmas teamed up to throw you a surprise party. strengths include: it's guacamole! and, you didn't pay for it! weaknesses include: you won't feel a rush like this again for a long time and nothing else. arianna, what brings greater joy, office mate's offspring or keep on guacin' in the free world? what say you? >> hands down, the baby. here's the thing. i get the-- >> stephen: nobody's on your
no one. no one's on your side. >> i have not made my case yet. i get the advantages of the free guacamole, but then the guilt comes in. what if they find me out? what if the poor guy or girl who forgot to charge me for the guacamole gets fired? and the ultimate fear-- what if i end up going to hell because of that? ( laughs ) >> there's nothing in the bible that says you'll go to hell for guacamole theft. no one said-- what if-- let me ask you this-- neil, you have to chime in on this one. >> it's in the other five commandments, that moses dropped coming down from the mountain. >> stephen: what about this-- what if the baby is hideous? what if it's not a beautiful baby and you have to lie to the person, say it's cute? isn't a lie a sin and don't you go to hell for that? >> here's the thing, beauty, beauty, stephen, is in the eye of the beholder. >> stephen: but i get to say if the baby is ugly. >> i personally, i personally have never seen an ugly baby but i have seen plenty of ugly, brown guacamole.
>> stephen: you've got to put the lemon juice in. you've got to put the lemon juice on. >> with neil here, we have science on our side. you have science on your side? >> yes, two graduates from yale in 2012 came out and discovered that looking at baby photos and animal photos releases dopamine, a joy hormone in us. so basically, we have completely incontrovertible scientific evidence that the baby beats the guacamole! >> stephen: okay, wait a second- >> i have to add something. i have to add something. >> stephen: go ahead. >> if you add up all the possible ways of being human, all combinations of the genome that would produce a human being, those of us who have ever been born are triflingly small fraction of the total number of humans who could have ever been born. so the fact that any single human is ever born is basically a scientific miracle. >> stephen: okay, but i'll counter that with-- ( cheers and applause ) no, i will counter that with, you didn't pay for the
hard to beat the free gauc. but you guys can hop on twitter to @stephenathome and cast your vote on the question, "which is more joyful, seeing a photo of a coworker's baby or free guac on your burrito?" the polls will close wednesday at midnight eastern. so let's get it on. we'll announce the results next time on... >> "friday night fights!" >> stephen: arianna huffington and neil degrasse tyson, everybody. we'll be right back. our breakfast hours are simple: always. our lunch and dinner hours: same. our value menu is prettttttttttttty simple, too.
hey there, can i help you with anything? hey siri, what's at&t's latest offer? oh, i don't think that siri can... right now, switch to at&t for an iphone and get one free. wow, is that right? yeah, it's basically... yes. that is the current offer from at&t. okay siri, you don't know everything. well, i know you asked me to call you the at&t hostess with the mostest. okay, shut her down. turn it off.
alright, what do you think boys? we could do tacos. we could do some thai. ooo... how 'bout sushi, eh? [weird dog moan/squeak] why not? [dog yawning/squeaking] no, we're not, we're not having barbecue... again. [quiet dog groan] why? because you're on four legs, and i'm on two... and i'm driving. that's why. [dog whine] sushi it is. narrator: every day all over the world... american citizens go missing.
( band playing ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody. my first guest tonight is an emmy-winning actor who stars in the upcoming hbo series, "vinyl." >> three bars. three bars, i can tell they'll be filling football stadiums. >> come on, richie. >> where are we with the good rats? eventually, you're going to have to swallow, and when you do, i want to hear some good news.
they went with warners. >> and you're here eating lunch? >> he needs sustenance, doesn't he? >> what he needs is to sign the next good rats like i'm ( bleep ) paying him to. >> stephen: please welcome bobby cannavale. ( cheers and applause ) >> that is the best band. >> stephen: aren't they an amazing band? >> they're the best. >> stephen: first of all, congratulations on "vinyl." i can't wait for it to start. this is my kind of show. >> thanks so much, thanks. >> stephen: but, also, thank you so much for dragging yourself here, because my understanding is you have not slept for three, four days, something like that? >> four days. i'm sorry i haven't shaved. >> stephen: no, it's fine. it's a rugged look. because you have a new baby. >> i had a baby on monday, yes. ( cheers and applause )
how is the mother doing? how is the mother doing? >> you know, i didn't do anything. >> stephen: oh, i know. >> we don't do anything, and i'm so tired. i think i've gained 28 pounds since monday. i mean, i'm not kidding you. like, this jacket fit so well, like, last thursday. but i've been eating... >> stephen: it's all water weight. it's all water weight. you're going to lose it. what's the baby's name? >> rocco. >> stephen: rocco cannavale. >> rocco cannavale. >> stephen: that's nice. named after saint rocco? >> actually, you know, yeah, patron saint of the sick. >> stephen: there's a saint rocco? >> yeah. >> stephen: there is, really? >> yeah. he took care of sick people. pretty sure. >> stephen: yeah. >> could be wrong. i'm tired. >> stephen: it kind of sounds like the patron saint of prizefighters, too. >> totally, totally. or, like, made guys, the patron saint of made guys. but, he's not-- he was german, actually. he wasn't italian, this saint rocco. >> stephen: and the baby is doing well? >> the baby is doing great. >> stephen: is this your first child? >> this is my second child.
>> stephen: oh, wow. nice grouping. >> thank you. thanks, thanks. i just started getting sleep before this one came, so... >> stephen: now, the series "vinyl" is about sort of the gritty, kind of wild '70s music scene. >> that's right. >> stephen: you're a promoter? >> no, i'm a guy who owns a record company. >> stephen: record company, okay. >> record label, and he's owned this label for some years, and it's 1973, and the label is in trouble. and he's... he doesn't want to sell the label, so it's about him bringing this label back to prominence. either he does that or he kills himself by doing too many drugs, or both. >> stephen: there is no drug he could do that is more mind bending than having a brand new baby. >> that's true. >> stephen: and not sleeping for four days. >> that is true, man. >> stephen: now, you did this-- martin scorsese is the producer and directed the first episode. >> that's right. >> stephen: what was it like working with scorsese? was he a hero of yours? >> oh yeah, absolutely. i grew up wishing i could have
sort of the next-best thing, here i am making a show with him, set in his time there, 1973. and i'm italian american, and that's like-- i grew up watching de niro in those movies, and now, you know, the guy, every time, every day we'd shoot he'd be like, "i remember, bob, we were shooting 'taxi driver'..." and every day was something like that. it was a story about shooting "taxi driver." and-- but i kept it cool, man. you know, sometimes i'm a little too cool, you know? i was always worried that i was taking up too much of his time. >> stephen: really? even though he's your director? >> but still, in between, he'd have me come over, "come over here and sit down and talk to me." i never wanted to over-extend my welcome. so one day i was like-- i guess i said it too many times-- i said, "let me let you go." that's my thing to say. "marty, let me let you go." and finally he goes, "where are you going to let me go?
where do you gotta go? where do you gotta go that you can't stay here and talk to me?" >> stephen: did you confess? >> i said, "i don't want to annoy you." he said, "you're not annoying me. stay here." he was just a dream. he just puts you in his pocket when you're working with him, and he's very collaborative and it's just a dream come true. >> stephen: i understand pacino was also a hero of yours. >> yeah. >> stephen: you had a ritual you would do before you did a play? >> yeah, so, i've done a lot of theater and i just grew up, like, he was my idol. and every time i would go to the theater i would say this little mantra, "al's coming tonight. al's coming tonight. al's coming tonight." >> stephen: like into a mirror before you went on? >> no, just to myself, on the train or walking... >> stephen: to make yourself nervous? >> to up my game, you know what i mean? i have to be good because al is going to be there. >> stephen: sure, sure. >> and he never came, you know. ( laughter )
the tony awards. we were both nominated for the same award-- weird. and we were sitting next to each other, and i asked him if he'd come to the show, and i was like, "you're my idol. i would love it if you came." and he was like, "i'm coming." and he came the next week. and we've been great friends. we made a movie together. i got to play his son. and we play cards together. and it's just a trip, man. it's a... >> stephen: can you relax around him? >> i mean, i can now. i can now. he's been... he's just great. he's just a good friend. he gave me a diaper cake for the baby. ( laughter ) that's so sweet. >> stephen: i'm going to imagine that's nice. >> it was like a big cake made out of diapers "for your boy!" so it was awesome. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i'm not sure who i want to hear more, your scorsese or your pacino? >> yeah, man, i pinch myself every day. it's nuts, you know. >> stephen: now, you do a lot of drugs in this series.
>> stephen: there's a lot of cocaine being snorted. i'm going to assume that's prop cocaine. >> yeah. >> stephen: what are you using, because-- what are you using when you snort this stuff? >> i could use some right now, you know. >> stephen: would you... would you like some guacamole? because this guacamole is free, it's free guac. it's free guac, bobby. >> this is why i don't fit in the suit. >> stephen: no, just chew, just chew. there's no hurry. just relax. just relax for a second. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, bobby, i'm ( laughter ) ( applause ) thank you so much for being here. "vinyl" debuts sunday, february 14, at 9:00 p.m. on hbo. see it.
bobby cannavale, everybody! here's what we were thinking. what if we did for mortgages what the internet did for buying music and plane tickets and shoes? you would turn an intimidating process into an easy one. you could get a mortgage on your phone. and if it could be that easy, wouldn't more people buy homes? and wouldn't those buyers need to fill their homes with lamps and blenders and sectional couches with hand-lathed wooden legs? and wouldn't that mean all sorts of wooden leg-making opportunities for wooden leg makers? and wouldn't those new leg makers own phones from which they could quickly and easily secure mortgages of their own, further stoking demand for necessary household goods as our tidal wave of ownership floods the country with new homeowners, who now must own other things and isn't that the power of america itself now shrunk to fit the hands of a child, or, more helpfully, a home-buying adult.
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: beautiful. welcome back, everybody. i am pumped for the big event this sunday that everyone in america will be watching-- my live super bowl post-game show! ( cheers and applause ) and-- right there. and as a public service, i just want to remind you that you only have tomorrow-- saturday, which tomorrow is-- to get everything you need for the perfect super bowl party, okay? you need a big screen tv, comfy couches, a guy named phil, a football-shaped pretzel bowl, enough beer to fell a horse, and a horse with a drinking problem. but, most importantly, you've got to have the right snacks. and i got two words for you: chips and dip. exclamation point.
in a pile, we here at the "late show" have created a helpful how-to video full of dip tip. jim? >> chips, nature's tastiest triangle, be they yellow corn, blue corn, potato, or pita, they're as close to food as anything in your super bowl spread. grab a sweaty handful-- wait a minute, where's the dip? don't freak. we have dips to make you flip. cheese cubes, those are for squares. turn them into a three-layer queso. as the cheese cools, it forms a thick rubbery skin, there's the first two layers, and the third layer is the bowl. viva la revolution! this again? don't embarrass yourself. this is the super bowl, not the pro bowl. beef it up with grade-a sirloin. now, there's a dip that will go deep-- in your mouth! time out! you forgot the dip. or did you? crunch those babies up into a dippable crumble.
bag. make sure to save one for dipping. mmm! now you're b bk in the game. looking for a low-fat dip-ternative? you already have one. just turn on the tap and let the flavor flow. mmm! soft and yielding. take a knee. why not spice things up with some salsa? why not? because salsa's not a ( bleep ) dip, cheryl. don't drag down my party with that weak ( bleep ). snacks not in pawing distance? just strap a bowl to your dog's head and let the dip come to you. that's your m.v.p.-- your most valuable pooch. here's a trick play your guests won't see coming. just fill the dip bowl with chips and run a reverse. in american football, you can use your hands. have a great super bowl. and if you don't watch football, yoyocan still savor these dips during a viewing of "the man in the iron mask," starring leonardo dicaprio, jeremy irons, and gerard depardieu as porthos. this one will keep you guessing
it's the super bowl of movies. have a great regular sunday. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: we'll be right back with donny deutsch. shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60 months on a ford suv. that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer. see your ford dealer today. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. so i'm going to take this opportunity to go off script. so if i wanna go to jersey and check out shotsy tuccerelli's portfolio, what's it to you? or i'm a scottish mason
papa! you're no n of mine! or perhaps it's time to seize the day. don't just see opportunity, seize it! (applause) why are you all here? to learn, right? so you can get a good job and you're not working for peanuts. well what if i told you that peanuts can work for you? while you guys are busy napping, peanuts are deliveriri 7 grams of protein and 6 essential nutrients right to your mouth. you ever see a peanut take a day off? no. peanuts don't even get casual khaki fridays. because peanuts take their job seriously. so unless you want a life of skimming wifi off the neighbors, you'll harness the hardworking power of the peanut. (cheering) hi, i'm captain obvious. when i heard there was a race for president i decided to run. and i'll be running all over america. so follow me on "captainobviousruns forpresident.com" or don't. we live in a democracy.
( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my next guest tonight is former chairman and c.e.o. of deutsch, inc., one of the world's leading ad agencies, and is the creator and star of usa's comedy series "donny!" please welcome donny deutsch. ( cheers and applause ) >> great to be here. >> stephen: all right, now, as i said, you're the star of "donny!," on usa comedy network. that's "donny" with an exclamation mark. just, donny! >> that worked well for jeb, didn't it? >> stephen: yes, yes! ( laughter ) now, you were the master of the ad game for decades, okay, one of the biggest and most impressive firms out there... >> i think you used "legend" in the introduction. >> stephen: did i really? >> let's stay with that. let's stay with that. >> stephen: okay, you were a mythical creature, you were a unicorn of a pegasus of an ad executive. explain to me-- we've got the super bowl coming up this
everybody wants to see them. how do ads work? like, where are you putting the hook in on me, on my brain, my heart, my gut, or right in the groin? where are you, how are you trying to get me? >> interestingly, you aim at different parts, but a great ad is no different than a great tv show or a great piece of poetry. it holds up a mirror to who you are and it presents a brand as a value system. it says, this is what this brand is about. if you like it, vote for this brand. like you do with a politician, like you do with a mouthwash, like you do with an entertainer. >> stephen: so, i'm not buying doritos, i'm buying a lifestyle. well, this sunday, a 30-second ad on the super bowl is $5 million. how do you, as somebody who is planning-- because you planned a lot of super bowl ads-- how do make the most out of it? how do you get your five mil out of it? >> in this world today, clearly, you have to go online. it's not just what happens. it's, do you tease online? do you get thousands, millions of impressions? do you get talked about on shows like this? so in order to get the bang for
everywhere, so basically it's on youtube, it's here, it's there. and all of a sudden, yes, there is 100 million people watching it on the game, but there are 60 million people watching the ad. it's the same thing, how do you get a bang for a buck here also? we live in a world where tv is a smaller and smaller part of everything we see. >> stephen: i didn't realize that. that's very depressing. ( laughter ) why did i take this gig, donnie? i don't understand. all right, so, let's talk about some of the most famous super bowl ads of all time. here's one that came out in 2000 which became very famous. this is the budweiser ad. >> hello? >> whazzup?! >> whazzup?! >> whazzup?! >> so what's up? >> watching the game, having a bud. >> true. true. >> that was great. >> stephen: so, what was different about that? why did that make such an impact? >> works for two reasons. when something climbs into the culture-- here you have an ad and all of a sudden everything's going, "what's up?" they brought it back to the brand. it's about guys watching the game, talking on the phone,
you not only have to break through and make it part of the culture, but you have to bring it back to the brand. and it did both of those things. to this day, you still can go, "whazzup?" you can, but people would make fun of you. >> stephen: no, no. >> actually, you really can't. ( laughs ) >> stephen: okay, here's one-- this was from your company, this was the most popular ad by far, four years ago or five years ago, in 2011. this is for volkswagen. ( "star wars'" darth vader
( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: i will buy that child anything! i would buy that child anything! now why, why, tell me about that ad and explain to me, why is that ad... it's so appealing to me? >> i think the best ads, over time, are simple human stories that we can all relate to. wow. i love the way they approach that kid. you bring in a piece of popular culture, like "star wars" but sometimes it's so human and so rere and hits you-- it's interesting you talked about it. it hits you in the heart. i like a company that brings me an ad like that. i like volkswagen. >> stephen: i thought you were going to say i like a company that brings an ad like that. of course, it's your company. you're out of the game, you're out of the ad game. it's super bowl sunday, the super bowl of ads. do you wish you were still in the game? do you have that hunger? do you want to go out there and sell me some chips? >> you know, to tell you the truth, no, i like being a tv star a lot more, and having a it's more fun than dealing with
no, i actually do miss it. it is a great business, it's kind of who we are. advertising is one thing we all get to participate in, whereas we all-- >> stephen: we have no choice. >> we have a choice. >> stephen: we don't get to. they're selling ad space on the inside of my eye lids at this point. >> i'm not buying your product, that's a choice. we vote artistically in the way we spend money. so basically, i like your ad, i buy your product-- it's not as simple as that. it's the actual one art form that we all participate in. it sounds very prolific. it's just ads! it's just selling stuff. >> stephen: donnie, i'm going to let you go. you can see "donny!" on demand on www.usanetwork.com. donny deutsch, everybody! we'll be right back. hi, i'd like to make a dep-- scanner: rescan item.
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