someone who would like to go out with you." i was like, "screw you!" [ laughter ] >> i told you, don't say that. >> i really cannot hear you guys. you know how television works, right? i'm sorry, are you saying assad is insensitive? >> no, no, no. >> no, no. he's a true friend. love the guy. i just feel like -- he get's like -- he get's like, impatient in social situations. so, we're leaving the baby shower. >> yeah, and he's like, "i'm going to go get my car." and we're like, "oh, can we get a ride with you? we're on the way. >> he was getting all weird. >> yeah. >> and then, he was like, "oh, actually, i want to stay. why don't you guys get a cab?" >> we're like, "what?" we're like, "why are you being so weird?" and he's like, "you guys dragged me to this thing, and i've been waiting around all day for you." >> "i'm so stressed and i've got this whole country to run."

i'm like, "today's about the baby." >> it's about the baby. >> it's about the baby. >> i cannot hear a word you guys are saying. [ laughter ] based on your faces are you saying assad has problems with anger and rage? >> no, it's -- it's kind of like how you feel about the new cast members? >> no, the new cast members are great. i think they're -- i will say that they haven't quite learned -- [ laughter ] -- how the sketches work, you know? the rhythm of the sketch. >> seth meyers, everybody. >> assad's best friends! [ cheers and applause ] a college freshman in new york city was injured when a futon mattress fell 30 stories and fell on him. said the freshman, "sweet, free futon." new research suggests that removing a tattoo becomes harder if it is more than 12 inches in size, has colors other than black or is more than three years old. strike one, strike two and strike three fred durst. [ laughter ] a new york man who dresses as elmo in times square was arrested this week after allegedly going on an anti-semitic rant. though what's most shocking

about this story is that there are people in those costumes and not, as i had assumed, 100 rats working together. [ laughter ] it was reported monica lewinsky signed a $12 million deal to write a tell-all memoir about her affair with president clinton. wow, i can't wait to read that said 1998. in radio interview this week ann romney lashed out at republican critics of her husband's campaign telling them to stop it, because this is hard. here to elaborate on those comments, ann romney. >> hello, seth. thank you for having me. >> well, thank you for coming, ann. so, based on the interview, is it safe for us to say that the rigors of the campaign are starting to wear on you? >> seth, i have loved this campaign. we've had the pleasure to meet so many wonderful people across this great nation. but yes, at the same time, there are parts that are hard.

there are many sacrifices to the schedule. it's fall and we're missing apple picking season. we love apple season. it's like mormon mardi gras. i once drank so much cider, i woke up in my bed the next morning wearing my pajamas. >> >> you said americans need to realize how lucky they are to have mitt. are you worried this will give fodder to those who see you as an elitist? >> that's -- now, i understand that mitt and i have a blessed life. but, are we more elitist than barack and michelle obama? they are friends with jay-z and beyonce. [ laughter ] did i miss something? is hanging out with jay-z and beyonce a thing regular people do now? [ laughter ] >> oh, that's a fair point. >> everyone is always saying i'm un-relatable because i had a horse in the olympics. well, let me tell you, i would kill that horse if i could meet beyonce. [ laughter ] >> i wouldn't have pictured you as a beyonce fan. >> everyone is a beyonce fan, seth. [ laughter ]

that's why running a republican campaign is so hard. if you're a democrat, you get to eat with cool people, like george clooney. if you're a republican, you get to shake jon voight's cold lizard hands. [ laughter ] >> now, your harshest words were for republicans who aren't getting behind mitt as the nominee. do you regret those comments? >> you know, i don't. and if you don't mind, i'd like to speak to those critics again tonight. do you really think this would be going better if you had nominated someone else? who? rick santorum? are you thinking you missed the boat this newt gingrich? if you think i'm unrelatable, check out callista. looks like a character. my hair moves. >> very nice. >> it's better than nice, it's freaking awesome. you guys wish ron paul was still running? well guess what, he probably is, because he's a lunatic who doesn't understand how voting works.

[ laughter ] and, you know what, if you want rick perry back, it's real easy. you just say his name three times and he'll show up. rick perry, rick perry, rick perry. >> do i get to be president now? >> no, no, rick. no, no. >> oh, you big tease. >> yes. [ laughter ] >> where does he go back to? >> if he's lucky, he goes back to high school. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> and to all these republicans that are saying "if we can't win against the president this week, what does that say about mitt romney?" well, if this race was so winnable, how come jeb bush, chris christie and marco rubio decided not to run? fellas, if you don't net up, you have to shut up, okay? [ laughter ] >> wow, pretty strong words, ann. >> when you go after my man, i get angry, seth. and let me tell you, no matter how hard this campaign gets, i will always be by his side. to quote the great beyonce -- ♪ me and my boo and my

boo boo riding all up in that black with his chick right beside him ♪ ♪ ladies if you love your man, show him you're the fliest ♪ ♪ grind up on it, girl show him how you ride it ♪ ♪ oooh, oooh, oooh, oooh damn i think i love that boy do anything for that boy ♪ >> ann romney, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] a cab driver this week recorded paris hilton saying that she thinks gay men are disgusting and that most of them probably have aids. and if that changes your opinion of paris hilton, welcome aboard, we've been waiting for you. [ laughter ] a cat in great britain has been annoying its owner's neighbors by sneaking into their house through pet doors and stealing ladies underwear. said the neighbors, "yeah, that guy doesn't have a cat." [ laughter ] brad pitt reportedly said this week that he would be interested in appearing in a

bollywood musical, then looked around at his kids and realized maybe he already was. [ laughter and applause ] a 66-year-old florida grandfather this week wrestled an alligator that tried to eat his dog. that story again, an old man and his dog were eaten by an alligator. [ laughter ] after the new york jets lost the steelers last sunday, many in the media are asking if backup quarterback, tim tebow, is being used enough. here with his take is the espn analyst, stephen a. smith. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth, it's good to see you, brother. >> great to have you here. stephen, jets quarterback mark sanchez had a terrible game last sunday going 10 for 27, yet tim tebow played only three downs. do you agree it's time for tebow to play a bigger role? >> well, seth, i respect you, but you're talking junk, okay? and this is a tough one for me, seth, because i know tim tebow. he is a good man. but, tim tebow does not have the accuracy to be a quarterback in

the national football league. and his very presence on the roster is ripping the jets apart. >> i don't know if that's true. i mean, starting quarterback, mark sanchez, has been very vocal in his support of tebow. >> seth, please. i know mark sanchez. mark sanchez is a close personal friend of mine. mark sanchez and i talk every night before bed. [ laughter ] so i can tell you that with no uncertainty that mark sanchez believes tim tebow is more dangerous than a cowboy with a chainsaw. [ laughter ] are you hearing me, seth? >> yeah, everyone is hearing you. >> listen, i know i'm allowed, seth. my doctor says my hairline isn't receding, it's just trying to get away from my mouth. [ laughter ] >> darr now, how do you respond to jets quarterback, darrelle revis, who called tebow a natural born

leader? >> that is blasphemy, seth. clearly, seth, understand, i'm very close with darrelle revis, okay? he completes me. [ laughter ] they should print up a phony schedule and put it in his bible, come game day he's not even in the same city as the new york jets. >> a lot of players say they like playing with a man of faith. >> tim tebow's throwing arm is proof there's no god. >> you don't mean that. >> of course not. i know god. he's a dear, dear friend of mine. [ laughter ] >> in the end, isn't this really just coach rex ryan's decision? >> it is. and that's why it hurts me to say this, seth. rex, i know you're listening. >> rex, you are my light. we have shared so much these past 30 years. >> that's not true. [ laughter ] >> when i was 11, you pulled me from a river and saved my life. >> no. [ laughter ] >> the next year, i returned the favor, and pulled you from that same river. >> you guys have got to stay

away from that river. [ laughter ] >> rex, i know this is hard -- look at me, rex. you cannot allow this man to play. before even game you need to lock in tebow to a walk-in refrigerator and seal the door with a blow torch -- until the final gun is sounded. >> you don't know any of the people you mentioned tonight. >> that's just your opinion, brother. >> stephen a. smith, everybody! for weekend update, i'm seth meyers. good night. unless we figure out a wayoke to divvy up this shared data plan...fairly. so, um, whoever's fathered the most children, gets the most data. let's just do it by hair. body hair? most dental work. what? [ phones buzzing and beeping ] stop downloading, and stop liking everything. it should be by who has the least amount of cartilage in their left knee. [ mom ] i just want to take a bath. [ male announcer ] say no to sharing. say yes to sprint. with truly unlimited

data, text and calling. my bud light threw for 4 tds. [ male announcer ] draft players using codes on specially marked bottles of bud light. mine won the game with a 60-yard field goal. [ male announcer ] manage your team at budlight.com/ffl. bud light fantasy football. here we go. [ male announcer ] manage your team at budlight.com/ffl. ok ay, bud light fantasy football. here we go. what'ya havin? [ male announcer ] manage your team at budlight.com/ffl. i'll have the build your own burger with a... sunny-side up egg, jack cheese, jill. and, uh... make it a double. inspiration can come from anywhere. build your own burgers are now at denny's.

>> hi, i'm seth meyers, tune in thursday for an you'll new "saturday night live" thursday. remember, it's snl but you still have to go to work the next day.

big day tomorrow. you ready? >> i'm ready. man, you know what? i really appreciate you guys flying all the way out here to london. >> hey man, you marry a british girl, we get to try some british beers. that's a win-win. >> someone say beers? >> hey! there he is. >> there you go. >> cheers. >> all right. man, i am loving the vibe of this place. london, england, rocks.

i don't know if you saw this, but looks like they have a cool beatles cover band performing tonight. >> oh yeah? >> yeah. >> good evening, everybody. [ laughter ] we're hey dudes, and this goes first one goes out to chris who we heard is getting married tomorrow. >> oh! >> hey! >> did you guys do this? >> we sure did. >> this one's for chris. one, two, three, two, two three. ♪ here i stand head in hand ♪ >> oh, wow, it's my favorite. >> i know. >> thank you so much. you guys are the best. so how was everybody's trip in? >> well, me and the lady had a little bit of a tough time getting through customs. they ended up searching both of us and going through all our bags. it got pretty intense. ♪ >> nice. did they find anything? >> yeah, they found my girlfriend's vibrator. it accidentally got switched on at some point during the flight. they thought it might have been a bomb or something. >> so then did everyone around you see it? >> no. no, no, thank god. no, they had to take us to a private room to pull it out of my ass. [ laughter ] ♪ hey, you've got to hide your love away ♪ >> yeah, the batteries are still